Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Prenatal nerves
The actress Mila Kunis is pregnant for the first time and anticipating the ordeal of childbirth with ill-disguised trepidation. She gave the following rebuke to expectant fathers on a late night talk show:
"Stop saying 'we're pregnant’. You're not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No."
As for the father of her own child, she expects him to avert his eyes from horror show occurring between her legs when she gives birth:
“He'll be head to head, not head to vag,” she said. “I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded.”
One gets the impression she doesn’t quite believe it’s physically possible for a baby pass through her birth canal. You might think her remarks were intended to be humorous, but she’s obviously trying to talk up her spirits. I’m sure the captain of the Titanic made similar quips when the band was giving its final concert.
The man who impregnated Mila is an actor called Ashton Kutcher, whom I know nothing about. Be that as it may, he should attend a prenatal fathering class so he can learn how to mollify his missus. My old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, used his experience as a vet to help his own wife deliver their brood:
“I told her to moo like a cow during her first labour,” he explained. “It emptied her mind of all human concerns and got her into animal mode. Our firstborn popped out like a bar of soap.”
“Did you deliver the child yourself?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t have the right license for that,” he replied. “But we hired a Nepalese midwife who couldn’t speak a word of English. It made the whole thing more like a veterinary experience.”
One would hope things go as smoothly for Mila, but I can’t say I’m optimistic. Her birth will doubtless be attended by a team of busybodies, barking out instructions instead of letting Nature take its course. You couldn’t blame a baby for staying inside the womb rather than entering a zoo like that.
On a more positive note, Mila is delighted that her breasts have got bigger in preparation for the new arrival:
"They're amazing!” she exclaimed. “They've tripled in size. I was a 34A: now I'm a 36C!”
This is very good news for everyone connected with Mila, and especially good news for the baby, who can look forward to a hearty meal after being rudely ejected from its cosy cubbyhole. A pair of boobies, brimming with milk, is just what you need to calm your nerves when you arrive in a strange place.
I hope Mila has invested in one of those suction devices that can harvest milk from over-lactitious women. She could donate her surplus to less bountiful mothers or the makers of gourmet ice-cream. I wouldn’t eat it myself, but she must have fans willing to pay top dollar for a taste of her titty fluid.
“Let others feed on what you don’t need” as we say in the jungle.
Labels: breast-feeding, human milk, Mila Kunis, natural childbirth, pregnancy
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Mother's milk
I’ve been studying photos of Alicia Richman, the Texas mother who donated 87 gallons of her breast milk to charity. She is nothing like the buxom matron I imagined her to be. Her figure, indeed, is remarkably svelte. It just goes to show that you can’t judge a dairy by the size of its cows. If the herd is contented, the milk will flow freely.
It all makes sense when you think about it. A woman who copiously secretes a creamy substance from her nipples has a fool-proof method of eliminating surplus body fat. Donating milk could be the next big thing for the health and fitness industry. Feel like having an extra helping of dessert? Go right ahead. Just remember to give your breasts an extra pumping in the morning.
Mrs Richman’s remarkable outflow has been recognised as a Guinness world record. She credits this achievement to her rigorous milking regime:
“I pumped at work, on vacations, in the car. And I never had to buy formula.”
Is it my imagination, or is there something weirdly obsessive about her behaviour? Anyone would think that having a white fluid sucked out of your body was enjoyable. One struggles to think of a precedent.
When I told the manager of the safari camp about Mrs Richman, he frowned and shook his head.
“I pity her husband,” he said. “He must worry about getting squirted in the eye whenever he fondles her boobs.”
This concern seemed exaggerated to me.
“Isn’t it possible to caress a woman’s breasts without squeezing them like udders?” I asked.
“No,” he replied. “You haven’t done them justice unless you grope them firmly and suck them too. What’s he supposed to do if milk starts pouring into his mouth?”
“Drink it?” I suggested.
“Ugh!” grunted the manager. “I’d rather drink dishwater!”
I thanked the manager for sharing his perspectives and bade him a good day. It’s odd that he had such strong feelings of revulsion for Mrs Richman’s milk. I suppose he holds old-fashioned views about a man’s right to enjoy his wife’s jahoobies without being sabotaged by unwanted lactation.
Interestingly enough, a book has recently been published which claims that men are attracted women’s breasts because of subconscious memories of being suckled in their infancy. The authors argue that baby boys get such a high from the hormones in their mother’s milk that they spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate it. It’s a cute theory, but logic compels me to dismiss it as hogwash. Babies are clueless little critters who just want to be fed and protected. They don’t know the difference between a tit and a teddy bear.
The true explanation of why men find breasts attractive was given by Desmond Morris, the primatologist of Naked Ape fame. It’s because of the uncanny resemblance that a lady’s chest cleavage bears to a pert pair of buttocks. And why are buttocks sexy, I hear you ask? The answer is simple. Because they are buttocks.
Labels: buttocks, human milk, jahoobies, lactation
