Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Dietary advice
Can you call yourself a vegan if you eat your friend’s semen? The question occurred to me after watching a video made by a 29-year-old English woman who says she is a vegan. Miss Tracey Kiss (pictured above) is justly proud of her flawless complexion, which she credits to a healthy diet of organic food and a daily sperm supplement.
“People are so weird about sperm when in fact a teaspoon is full of amazing goodness,” she explains. “I’d been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I’m full of beans and my mood has improved.”
She’s certainly full of something, but before any man thinks of making her an offer, please note that her nourishment is not taken at source. A gentleman friend provides her with regular emissions (in a test tube?), which she stores in her refrigerator.
“Every batch tastes different, depending on what he’s been eating,” says Tracey. “If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particular pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads-up so I know not to drink it neat.”
Miss Kiss has a number of appetising semen recipes in which the taste of the raw ingredient is modified by various condiments. Perhaps she should share her ideas with a gourmet chef. Michelin star restaurants are always on the lookout for additions to their menus, and there is no surer path to immortality than having a dessert named after you. “Open-mouthed Kiss” would be a plausible title for the dish.
The mysterious character in this otherwise uncomplicated tale is the fellow who donates his manly secretions. The question I can’t help asking is: “What’s in it for him?”. If Tracey were taking an active hand the extraction process, that would be one thing, but where’s the fun in having to milk yourself like a cow? If a female gorilla asked me to perform such a service, I would tell her to go and molest a baboon.
A generous explanation of his behaviour would say that he is acting from the same neighbourly instinct that causes the resident of an apartment block to offer a new tenant a packet of sugar. But I am not inclined to be so generous. I fear he derives some sort of wicked pleasure from the thought that a nubile woman is gulping down his jism. A man who is proud of something like that can have little else to be proud of.
I started this post with a question you may have forgotten in all the commotion: Is semen a permissible food for a self-proclaimed vegan like Miss Kiss? I would say it’s no less of an animal product than milk, eggs or cheese. Perhaps Tracey would argue that it does no harm because the animal in question is not locked up in a paddock or chained to a fence. Yet if millions of women take her dietary advice to heart, who is to say that men will not be locked up in paddocks or chained to fences in the future? You can’t go around breaking rules without thinking about the long-term consequences.
Labels: dietary supplements, jism, semen, vegan cooking
