Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Liberated women
Marianne Faithfull says she is proud to have escaped the “straitjacket” of being Mick Jagger’s girlfriend. She makes it sound like a feat worthy of Houdini. It’s quite possible, of course, that Jagger did tie her up while attempting some devilish perversion. The 1960s are remembered as a decade of feverish experimentation, particularly for pop stars who spent the greater part of their leisure time as high as a kite. Yet, he doesn’t strike me as the possessive type in his relations with the fairer sex. Why would he chase after fallen apples when he could pluck a new one from the tree?
Whatever Mick did to her, she couldn’t have enjoyed it that much, because she cheated on him with Keith Richards, describing her debauchery as “the best night ever”. Keith had been eager to seduce her after his own girlfriend had been ravished by Jagger, and he later rubbed salt into the wound by claiming that Mick’s todger was too puny to have satisfied Marianne. There is truly no honour among cuckolds.
Ms Faithful may think of herself as a liberated woman, but her behaviour seems quite dated to me. Hopping from the bed of one famous man to another is what Helen of Troy did to secure her place in history. While it’s true that Marianne had her own musical career, her fame was obviously fuelled by her antics with the Rolling Stones. Her status was never comparable to that of Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus, who are queen bees rather than concubines.
Miley has recently been in the news for having her bottom spanked with a Mexican flag. It must have been a token spanking, because a piece of cloth cannot smack a lady’s rump with the required force. Her stunt has nevertheless outraged the Mexican authorities, who have threatened to prosecute her. They are too easily offended if you ask me. Isn’t it obvious that Miley’s gesture was a submissive one, generously declaring her peachy posterior to be the property of Mexico? If the Mexicans don’t want it, there must be a dozen other tortilla-eating nations that would be delighted to claim it as a national asset.
Maybe the Mexicans are annoyed because Miley is an American, whom they subconsciously blame for the loss of Texas and California. Those festering wounds were later aggravated by scores of Hollywood westerns depicting them either as helpless peasants or bandits with bushy moustaches. It’s well-known that most Mexicans of that era were actually like Zorro – fearless swordsmen of noble birth whose moustaches were curly rather than bushy.
Let’s hope that Miley avoids a jail term for her well-meant stunt. Perhaps she could make amends for the unintentional offence she caused by starring in a movie showing Mexico in a positive light. I’d like to see her play an Aztec queen who eats tortillas and beans while being spanked with fly whisks made from the plumage of exotic birds. After watching a film like that, I would salute the Mexican flag whenever I saw it.
Labels: Marianne Faithful, Mexican bandit, Mexico, Mick Jagger, Miley Cyrus, spanking
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
She's bad!
A German grandmother aged 50 has embarked on a career as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Before fans of the late great Jacko bite their kneecaps in horror, they should note that Großmutter Christine Guntrip is eminently qualified for the role, having shed 32 kg to make herself as svelte as MJ, and studiously avoided sunlight to keep herself as pale. Obviously she will sing the songs in a German accent, with the odd “ich” and “liebe” thrown in, but you can’t have everything.
Frau Guntrip laughed off suggestions that she would be putting vegetables in her knickers to bridge the gender divide:
“When you get to my age, there is enough natural stuff down there to fool the casual observer,” she explained. “Maybe I will stick a little zwiebel inside before doing dances where the crotch is making in-out movements.”
This seems like a sensible approach. I find it hard to believe that Jacko’s fans were remotely interested in the contents of his underpants – indeed, only his detractors seemed preoccupied with such matters. I would advise Frau Guntrip to take her act to Las Vegas, where the celebrity impersonator is a respected pillar of the community. In that golden city, Elvis Presley look-alikes officiate weddings, sell life assurance and give children lessons in road safety. If she can’t make it there, she may as well throw in the towel… and throw out the zwiebel.
The one big thing in her favour is her age. A 50-year old woman has many natural advantages as an entertainer: her face is more expressive, her voice is more confident and her wobbly bits make her more suited to comedy. It is the perfect time in a woman’s life to throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out.
Back in my circus days, I was often approached by nubile young women who dreamt of a show business career. If they were hoping for encouragement, they had come to the wrong ape.
“Don’t do it!” I exclaimed. “You will be deceived and exploited by lecherous impresarios at every turn! Now is the time in your life to find a stable occupation or a rich husband. Don’t even think about entertaining the masses until you have passed your child-bearing years and acquired a solid foundation.”
More often than not, women who hit the big time at a tender age go off the rails. Consider the case of Marianne Faithful, who became a successful pop singer at the age of 19. Premature stardom went to her pretty little head, causing her to leave her respectable husband for the Rolling Stones. As she later wrote in her autobiography:
"My first move was to get a Rolling Stone as a boyfriend. I slept with three and decided the lead singer was the best bet."
Her licentious conniving did her no good. Jagger was obviously a very bad influence, inspiring her to mimic his degenerate lifestyle of drug-taking and debauchery. Among her many notorious deeds was an act of self-penetration with a chocolate bar at a libertine party in Soho. However successful Frau Guntrip is in her new career, I am pretty confident that her coochie will remain a chocolate-free zone.
Labels: celebrity impersonator, Marianne Faithful, zwiebel
