Today was a big day and I'm glad to have it behind me. The anticipation of starting chemotherapy just about did me in. I've had 3 months to think about it over and over and my mind has played a lot of games with me. Our reason for waiting though, was to let the baby grow bigger and be closer to delivery. I was surprised by how emotional I was this morning. I mean, I've cried more in the last 3 months than I knew was possible. Thank you pregnancy hormones for helping out with that! :) I just could not get it under control this morning and even checking in with the receptionist I could barely squeak out my name. Drawing my blood- bawling. Calling me back to talk with the doc- bawling. Nurse explaining how she's cleaning my port-bawling. Geesh! I'm not usually that way, but it was hard to not think about how this is what my life has become and how did I get here?? I was 30, now 31, and have colon cancer. I don't get how this happened, but I know there's a reason.
I reflect on ALL the blessings that have occurred in just these 3 months alone (another long post for another day), and I can't help but be grateful. Just so deeply, genuinely grateful. Experiences like this change people and I get it now, how and why. I'm grateful I get to learn these things first hand, so I can become a better person.
So, treatment 1 of 12 done! We spent 4.5 hours there today talking with the oncologist, having blood drawn, genetic testing done, the pre-treatment drugs (saline, a long term nausea med, heparin, and a steroid), then I receive a chemo drug called Oxaliplatin, and an amino acid called Leucovorin for 2 hours. After that's all finished I am hooked up to a small-ish pump that comes home with me for 46 hours with a med called 5-Fluorouracil (or 5-FU), as they call it for short. Seems fitting. :) I have an awesome fanny pack I carry it around in, I'm considering sporting a side ponytail. I feel like it would complete the ensemble with the preggo belly!
One of the biggest side effects that I will experience is a cold sensitivity, which isn't great timing with winter. They say if I go outside and take a deep breath it'll feel like my throat is closing down, or if I touch cold things in the freezer or fridge it'll feel like my skin is burning off. It's not, obviously, but that's what it feels like. I was amazed that it was already starting to kick in before my first treatment was even done. A sweet friend that I've made recently through her sharing her experience of colon cancer with me, showed up while we were sitting there, with a Jamba Juice smoothie. She knew that that would be the last cold drink I would enjoy for quite a while. Such a sweet, amazing woman. I really enjoyed that smoothie. By the time I was getting to the end of it I said to Jake, "Holy cow! I think I can feel the cold sensitivity starting!" I couldn't believe it, and thought maybe it was all in my head. Then I went to wash my hands before I left the building and felt shocked again when I realized the cold water felt like it was numbing/burning my hands. Modern medicine is an amazing and very strange thing!
As Jake and I sat there, we talked to several other cancer patients and listened to their stories. I can tell I'm going to learn and grow a lot just talking with the people there. Most of them are much older than me, they have a lot of life experience and wisdom! :)
Anyway, that's enough for now. I know I'm being watched over and feel so much comfort in that. And the love and support from friends, family, neighbors, ward members, etc. is absolutely amazingly overwhelming! There are just so many good people in my life and I'm forever and eternally grateful for that. With the support alone, I feel like I can get through this. I feel so undeserving, but I am determined to be a MUCH better person because of all the examples I am witnessing around me.
