Case of the Common Schoolgirl's Crush

I am an expert at developing crushes.

I always have those secret crushes where some random guy is my harmless eye-candy. You know, that funny lab partner with both brains and mesmerizing eyes to back his wit or the cutie at the coffee shop who accompanies my 16oz Earl Grey with the most adorable smile.

I am also the queen of one-sided crushes. I know those so well that a part of me is used to being the person with more feelings.

He said to me one time, in a moment of shockingly insightful observation of my character, “I think deep down you’re afraid of someone liking you.” I couldn’t quite form a coherent reply, not just because I was surprised by his perceptiveness, but also because I knew him to be somewhat right.

Having lived in 7 different states growing up, I tend to get along with most anybody with a friendly smile…but I had to learn the hard way (several painful times) that there is a decided difference between acquaintance, friend, good friend, and close friend. I stopped calling closer friends ‘best friends’ ever since elementary school—my best friends in life have been and will always be my sister and mother. Nonetheless, my closest friends today are just as special, have been chosen wisely, and are unconditionally treasured...

When it’s decided, I give my all. So, I know that in a romantic relationship, I’d also be all or nothing. It would be like my closest friendship PLUS my heart, and then some. It'd be a sort of unconditional giving that's equal, if not (in some ways) more than, the love I reserve for my family.
My #1 is...well, you know...my #1.

That knowledge scares the living daylights out of me.

It shakes me to the core.