Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I apparently didn't really take any pictures this week. DADDY WAS TIRED.

So, I randomly clicked on files in my computer and selected pictures from over the past few years to share with you today. And now I'm feeling all nostalgic.

We were so young back when we were so young.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Mr. Scraps takes a nap.

Time to Update my Resume

Are you guys sitting down? I need you to be sitting down for this. I have a really serious and shocking thing to say at you. I'm very worried Awesomesauciness is going to have a heart attack when she hears this news because she always says she's super old and apart from being incredibly sassy, that's all I really know about her. Maybe everyone can go and sit with her while you read this just to make sure she's ok.

I'll wait.

Ok. Now is everyone sitting down in Awesomesauciness's house? Is she as funny in person as she is here? Does she have cats? Did she ask about me OMG YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING SHE SAID LEAVENOTHINGOUT!

My big news is that I, Eli Whittleblister McCann, performed manual labor.

You guys. This is not a drill. I did actual physical work this weekend. BY MYSELF. WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE. I actually, legitimately, hashtag did it myself. I didn't hashtag do it someone else's self.

I HASHTAG DID IT MYSELF.

Growth Spurts

Bob and Cathie think I'm still growing.

I'm not joking about this. They legitimately think I'm still growing.

Tonight, after Easter dinner and birthday cake for my niece Emrie who wouldn't acknowledge me but didn't insult me either so I'm counting it as a victory, I gave Bob and Cathie hugs goodbye. And as I did, Bob inquisitively stated, "you sure are getting tall."

Not, "you sure have gotten tall." Not, "when did you get this tall." You guys. He didn't say those perfectly reasonable things a parent sometimes says to their children.

He said, "you sure *are* *getting* tall." Emphasis "ARE." Emphasis "GETTING."

Let me zoom out a bit, in case this is your first time ever reading Stranger (and if this is, sorry for all of the confusion. If you're willing to devote upwards of 20 hours binge-reading the posts and comments, 75% of what you find here will make sense. Like in the "Pee Wee's Big Adventure makes sense" kind of way).

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I haven't laughed as hard as I have this week reading all of your interactions on Imzy since [insert a funny thing]. I got an email from the Imzy people today, telling me that our Community there is "by far the most vibrant one" on Imzy. And I'm super proud of us for going three full days so far without getting kicked out of the place, like I imagine will happen when we finally have our in-person family reunion in our Snuggies and matching June Snapple t-shirts.

You guys. They aren't kicking us out. THESE PEOPLE LOVE US! If we weren't hipsters now, we would be so excited about this popularity. But, like, we don't even care. We were popular before anyone even knew who we were.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Teddy thinks he needs glasses but really he just needs a hair cut around his eyes. 

Thank You For Being A Friend!

A quick note before we get into today's story: A huge thanks to the hundreds of you who have joined us over at Imzy so far. It has been incredibly fun to interact with you there and not do anything else like my job or responsibilities. If you haven't joined yet, please do so now at this link.

Since we are all hipsters now and because this is Imzy's beta testing, we have a uniquely loud voice right now when it comes to feedback. So if you have any feedback about how Imzy is working or what you would like to see there, let me know and I'll be happy to pass it on. So far they've been wonderfully quick at implementing suggestions.

Also, a couple hundred of you have won June Snapple shirts so far and if you don't email me pictures of you wearing them and/or canvassing your neighborhood for June's candidacy, THEN I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.

In other news, you may remember my naively optimistic plan to bury the dilapidated concrete pond in the my backyard, which The Perfects informed me last summer has been holding stagnant water for at least four decades now.

Imzy: Because We Are Now Hipsters

You need to read all the way through this post to find out how to get this shirt. Yes. Stranger just did that annoying thing American Idol does where you have to watch 59 minutes of nonsense to hear 5 seconds of results.

Let me just start by saying that this will be the most hipster post you've ever read on Stranger. So if you have hipster glasses in your house, you may want to put them on real quick. Also, maybe shave one side of your head and wrap a couple of socks tied together around your neck as a scarf.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

When I was in Spanish class in 8th grade Senorita Legos made us watch the film "E.T" in Spanish and the only thing I remember from that day is when E.T. says in a super creepy voice, "E.T. telefono mi casa!" And to this day, that is the most useful Spanish I know. Well, that and the words from the song "el es no gatos en Amerika" from "American Tale." You kids are too young to remember those films. In any language.

I don't know why I told you that.

Daddy isn't mad. He's just tired.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

I took the road as far as it would let me and Paul Cyclemon go.

The World's Ugliest Fireplace

My house is 90 years old. It is older than your grandma. Unless your grandma is older than 90. In which case, I'm sorry I lied. And disrespected your grandma.

Over the course of those 90 years, people have made a few very disappointing decisions regarding this house. Namely,

Guys. This is the UGLIEST fireplace stone that has ever fireplaced in the history of fireplacing. AND I DON'T EVEN SAY Y'ALL.

Some Disturbing Comics

A huge thanks to all of you for your amazing support of episode 2 of Strangerville, which we released this week. If you haven't listened to it yet, drop the most important responsibilities you have in your life right now and do this. If the first segment with the kids doesn't make you smile, we will give you all of your money back. My ovaries cried out when I put it together. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD OVARIES IN UP TO SIX MONTHS.

You can find the episode on iTunes or through Stranger by clicking here.

I periodically thank you for all that you do to help create a valuable Stranger community, and I hope you know that I'm completely sincere every time I do this. I fully recognize that your willingness to engage here and share Stranger with friends and family is the reason Stranger has been able to grow and develop into something we all enjoy.

And so, with that, I want to ask you to please take a minute right now and share Strangerville on social media or in whatever capacity you are able. We are so proud of the finished product and we are excited to bring much more great content and stories over the next many months. And Jolyn told me that she will personally guarantee that anyone who helps spread the Strangerville word will have increased fertility. Or decreased. Whichever you prefer. The point is, she has made promises regarding your fertility.

NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT FERTILITY IS, CATHIE.

Episode 2: The World of Chaos

In episode 2 of Strangerville, we explore stories of chaos. What role does chaos play in our lives? Children remind us of the confusing process of learning to be a human. An online comment moderator responds to death threats from an Internet troll. Folks wander through recent devastation in Ukraine. And hostile desert monkey(s) teach a tomboy a lesson.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We are putting the final touches on episode 2 of Strangerville, which will be ready for you early next week. Stay tuned. We are thrilled with how it turned out and I think you're going to love it like Tami loves being naked. Please subscribe to us at the iTunes if you haven't already.

Spoiler alert for episode 2: a five year old tells me I have bad hair in one segment.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

We looked away and when we looked back Mr. Pants and Mr. Scraps were doing this. And 50 angels got their wings.

East Jesus

Last weekend I wandered to southern California to visit my grandma and my Uncle Will. So, naturally, we spent a good portion of our Saturday hippie hunting in the hot desert. Because that's what one does in Death Valley. 

I've told you before about Salvation Mountain. 

1:00 On A Weekday

I worked late on Thursday night in an attempt to meet a few early Friday morning deadlines. By the time Friday morning hit, I was relatively burned out with work. It was a beautiful day in Salt Lake City and I've been antsy to get started on some yard work. Mostly just stuff I was supposed to do in the fall but didn't get around to because tv and eating.

So I decided to play hooky and take the afternoon. I got home around 1:00.

I need you to remember that this was a weekday. It was 1:00 on a weekday when I got home.

About five minutes after I walked through door, I heard the door open again. Matt and Ollie wandered in.

At 1:00. On a weekday.

Eli: Oh. Hi.

Matt: Hey. [Matt opens the fridge; retrieves some Diet Coke]

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Sometimes Stranger becomes something I never really imagined before. Like that time that I made a joke about genealogy and then we all did family history work and established that the Suzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and I are 29th cousins twice removed cross my heart and a partridge in a pear tree. And for some time, this was all we talked about.

This week is no exception. You should be advised that my post on Fuller House from Monday has already had more traffic that almost anything I've written in the last two or three years. WHICH MEANS, I apparently write for people who are entertained BY FULL HOUSE.

FULL HOUSE! You guys! When I saw the scene in episode 12 of Fuller House where everyone at the party breaks into a perfectly choreographed Bollywood dance routine, all I could think was "Eli--you produce content that appeals to the same audience that likes this show."

Oh! NOT THAT I'M STILL WATCHING IT!

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Date night with Mr. Pants!

Nirvana

A couple of weeks ago my friend Kate told me that she found a free meditation class near our houses and she thought it would be a good idea for me to go to it. And I was like, "I DON'T NEED MEDITATION I'M PERFECTLY CALM WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!?!?!"

It's true that in the last couple of months I've been just slightly more on edge than usual. There was a 7-week period starting somewhere in January where my phone began telling me how long it would take me to get home from wherever I was, using my office address as the "home" location.

A couple of weeks ago Matt had a come-to-Jesus with me about my life choices, which means things were really serious because Matt doesn't like to talk about anything, ever. I'm not kidding you about this. I have at least four dozen inanimate objects in my home right now that talk about their feelings more than Matt does.

So when Kate mentioned that a meditation class might be a good idea for me, it wasn't much of a surprise.

She came with me, along with our friend Matt. Not Matt Pants. A different Matt. Matt Pants would never attend a meditation class. When I asked him if he wanted to come, he told me some variation of "hell no" and then said that while we were doing that nonsense he was going to be home pouring himself "a glass of dinner." (Hashtag wine).