Obama Administration Justifies Support for Higher Gas Prices

Tired of Being “Dogged” by Criticism

In an unusual admission today, the Obama Administration doubled down on support for higher gas prices.  According to Press Secretary Jay Carney, the Administration became concerned after hearing reports of how Republican Presidential hopeful and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney had driven on a family vacation with the family dog in a cage strapped to the roof of the car.  “Having a dog in a cage reduces vehicle fuel economy,” stated Carney.  “With higher gas prices, people will think twice about reducing their mileage with that kind of aerodynamic drag.  Our Nobel Prize-winning Energy Secretary showed us the calculations, and they blew us away.  This could be the biggest thing since the President’s suggestion from the 2008 campaign to have everyone inflate their tires properly.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton joined the press briefing to add her own support to Administration policy.  “Once Bill and I were in the car and I got mad at him for buying a dozen Big Macs.  I hadn’t thrown more than three of them out the window before we got into an argument.  The next thing I knew he had pulled this big cage out of the trunk, stuffed me into it, and strapped it to the roof.  If you think being on a car roof while on a trip to Canada was bad enough, you should try being in Arkansas during the summer!

“All this time I was wondering why he kept that cage in the trunk among the payoff checks.  I should have known better than to believe Bill when he winked and said it was for cigar boxes.”

Vice President Joe Biden, ever the one to be sensitive to Asian people, added that he had a practical solution to keep the dog occupied during long road trips.  “In honor of the Secretary of Energy, we have provided stimulus money to one of our generous donors to develop a ‘Chu toy.’  Get it?”

Cross-posted to Virginia Virtucon

Tim Kaine Presents Birth Control Compromise

Flushed with Pride

Virginia U.S. Senate candidate and former Governor and Tim Kaine (D) has presented an idea that he is sure will satisfy the Catholic church over new regulations promulgated by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) that require employers to provide abortion and birth control coverage in health insurance policies. Kaine proposes to close highway rest stops across the nation, and use the money saved to fund birth control pills and abortifacents for those employees of institutions that have moral objections to paying for health insurance policies that provide these products and services. “I am demonstrating how my leadership in Virginia transportation issues can benefit the nation,” said Kaine in a brief statement. “Not only will we achieve important political goals, but this compromise will cut the budget and benefit the environment as well.”

The White House was cautiously optimistic about Kaine’s proposal. “Tim Kaine knows a lot about traveling around as he did so much of that while he was Chairman of the Democratic National Committee during his term as Virginia Governor,” said a spokesman. “Since he has been such a vocal supporter of the President’s health care law, we are glad that he is always willing to help impose all its sizeable mandates.”

The campaign of former Senator George Allen (R) had not comment on Kaine’s proposal. However, it is believed that the National Republican Senatorial Committee will present ads showing how Kaine’s ideas are still quite costive.

Cross-posted at Virginia Virtucon.