I'm so tired...

...I slept and slept and slept.

but I'm still tired.

...and cranky.

...and unsociable.

...and so I'll stick to this:

Late Show with David Letterman
Summer is almost over. I’m going to miss going to the beach, because if there’s one thing girls love, it’s a bypass scar.

Here’s a sure sign summer’s over: They’re putting up Christmas decorations on 5th Avenue.

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin 76 years old tomorrow. Actually, he’ll be 91. He doesn’t like to count the 15 years he spent with Kathie Lee.

I don’t want to say Regis is old, but his first co-host was Eve.

Stop the ride... I want to get off...

It’s a great day for Russia. They’re giving everyone a day off next month to procreate. They want more citizens. Apparently they’re running out of Russians.

I wish I could have a day off to procreate. I could have sex and still have 23 hours and 58 minutes to do whatever I feel like!

Today is a very special day in the world of show business. It’s the Material Girl’s birthday. She turns 49 today. That’s right — Elton John, 49 today.

Madonna gives millions to charity, done lots of benefits, given a lot of money away . . . her greatest gift, of course, to mankind — she’s promised never to do another movie.

Hmmmm........

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?