I am WOMAN...Hear me ROAR!!!

I did my own PIO shot last night! Yeah!!!

It actually hurt less than when R does it!

I'm sore today, but, I don't think we can ever fix that...

What's that? Hope? I thought we were no longer friends...

I have a funny feeling...and I think it's Hope creeping back in. I thought she'd long since abandoned me...given that I haven't seen a glimpse of her in what feels like months. But, I think she may be slowly trying to edge back into my life. I must admit, I would prefer to keep her at bay and protect my damaged-enough-already heart.

A few reasons for hope:

My friend at A Few Good Sperm is waiting on her 3rd beta. Her levels have been normal so far. This is awesome! I've been wondering if IVF was just a masochist activity my doctor has been joking about and that it never really worked for anyone. Her positive has done a lot for my belief in IVF.

A sweet baby girl was born the day of my retrieval to a fertile friend of mine. While fertile, they have experienced an early miscarriage and he is so compassionate with my rants surrounding IF. Maybe his miracle is an omen for us?

So far, we've had decent, dare I say good, fertilization reports. I'm starting to *hope* that we will maybe have 1 or 2 to freeze.

Its been strange not talking incessantly about this cycle with my friends. However, its been a nice break for my heart. I've just been coasting through, kind of in denial that its even been happening.

I sit here now, on pins and needles (and a heating pad), waiting for more news. *Hoping* that month 30 of this journey, in my 30th year, will bring us the miracle we've been hoping for all along.

The days tick away...

And we slowly get closer to IVF #4.

I'm ready. SOOOOO ready. Let's get this party started.

As we get closer, I slowly feel hope creeping back in. It's a strange thing. How can you continue to get hopeful when you've been burned so many times before?

Did anyone see the Michael J. Fox special last Thursday night? It was all about optimism.

Interesting piece. Some days it's harder than others to remain optimistic.

Here's to optimism, baby. Pun intended.

Its Thursday Afternoon and I have lost my motivation

Has anyone seen it?

I had a major breakthrough in my big monthly reporting package today that is going to make life much easier. Once I figured it out, I pretty much checked out. That's OK, right?

We have our protocol for the next cycle...everything will be over and done with by around June 15th. Its a weird protocol that even an old veteran like me has a hard time figuring out. We'll get started soon.

This is it, though. All in.

I'm hoping that by some miracle Grace of God we can freeze something. Well, I'm really banking on it working AND us being able to freeze.

We'll see. I'll probably really get my hopes up once we get started. For now, I'm just over being infertile. I'm ready to cash in and head to a remote island...work at a suntan lotion stand on the beach. Be a free spirited hippie - Me, R and our dogs.

The plan is to do this cycle under the radar. No daily estrogen levels and follicle count updates. Early appointments so there are no questions at work. No blogging about every emotion - too many people know about my blog for me to blog and still have a low key cycle. I'm hoping to avoid anyone calling me the day of my beta to ask about the results. I'm hoping to avoid the past repeating itself.

I labeled this post IVF #4. I never in my life dreamed what was in store for us in our effort to grow our family. Its been a heartbreaking chain of events over the past 2 and a half years that we will either get through and be stronger for or we will let it tear us apart. Luckily, for us, we are not letting IF win. No matter how this last cycle turns out, what joy or heart ache it brings, we are going to survive.

With my lack of blogging, I find I have so much to say. Maybe going underground wasn't the best idea.

Here are some updates that are basically jumping off my chest!!!:

1. My friend over at a Few Good Sperm had a negative beta after IVF#1 yesterday. Please go give her some support.
2. I'm having friends with 6 beautiful girls tonight, who also happen to be infertile. Most of us go to the same doctor. We are all less than 7 degrees separated.
3. Mother's Day is soon and has really been on my mind. I am so truly blessed to have such a wonderful Mom.
4. Several close friends are expecting...its had a strange effect on me. Not a bad effect, just a strange one. I'm trying to sort through those feelings.
5. Work has actually been pretty good- I've been in the office more lately and am not hating it so much. Maybe it's been my attitude in the past about being here...maybe I'm just over spending so much energy dreading it here.
6. I'm taking a cake decorating class in May...I am so nerdy...and SO EXCITED! Hopefully, I will have the motivation to show up to Show and Tell and share my creations :)
7. We've been working in the yard and it's been really gratifying. My rhododendron were blooming this morning and it absolutely made my day. They are gorgeous.

Its nice to be back. I've missed you girls. Thanks for understanding my need for a break from it all!