Infertile and living in a Fertile World

I had dinner this week with some friends. I was in a pretty shit mood to begin with. You know how some days you just wake up insanely pissed off that seemingly everyone in the world has kids or is pregnant but you? Yeah, that was me.

So, at dinner, the topic came up about how so many infertiles magically get pregnant after adopting or finally getting that illusive positive after IVF that we are all searching for. Yeah, I've heard those stories, too. Actually, I've lived with that story happening to R's cousin. (And! She bitched the entire 2nd pregnancy and acted like it was such a burden...). So, I got pretty annoyed at the conversation, and in my dissertation of how that is statistically improbable to happen to most couples, adoption isn't a cure to IF, most people would eventually fall pregnant after 10 years, etc...I think, scratch that, pretty well know that I hurt her feelings. It wasn't my intent - it was just the angry infertile in me lashing out.

With my diagnosis, and Dr. K's research, it is statistically improbable that I will ever just fall pregnant on my own. Actually, it will be very hard for us to get pregnant even with IVF. I'm not being negative, its just the harsh reality that I have to live with.

Google defines normal as:

• conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal ...
• in accordance with scientific laws
• being approximately average or within certain limits in e.g. intelligence and development; "a perfectly normal child"; "of normal intelligence"; "the most normal person I've ever met"

In the life of an infertile, or at least this infertile, I don't think anything about my life will ever be "normal" again. Yes, we may live in the burbs, drive our SUVs, have our 2 dogs and 1 cat, enjoy vacationing at the beach, etc. Long after these battle wounds have healed, R and I will live out our lives with permanent, deep scars. We will always look at pregnant teenagers with eyes of both disgust and envy. I'll always look at pregnant bellies with longing eyes (even if I get to enjoy those amazing 40 weeks myself). I don't think I will ever consider us "normal". After all, we live in a world where fertile is normal...so, automatically, are abnormal.

This isn't a post to get you to feel sorry for me that I don't feel normal. I'm not ashamed. I just have those days where it really pisses me off that I am abnormal. I hope my friends forgive me for those days and will continue to love us through this journey.

73rd Post, 73 Reasons why my Plus One is Awesome

Welcome to post 73!

Too often, I think I get caught up in IF and forget that this journey is really about US...It's not just ME experiencing the heartbreak and constant disappointment.

So, totally random number, but I didn't want to wait to 100 to post. Here you have it - 73 reasons why R is Awesome!

1. He doesn't complain about what I cook for dinner, even if its awful or something he doesn't like.
2. He cleans the house - I haven't cleaned a toilet in 5 years.
3. He understands my compulsive need to have closets and laundry rooms organized.
4. He doesn't understand why that organization doesn't spill over into cabinets or pantries, but he moves on.
5. He enjoys the little things in life - "WOO HOO! Our forsythia bush is slap full of blooms!"
6. He loves his parents and treats them well.
7. That being said, he doesn't like it, but tolerates it, when I bitch about them.
8. He loves my family...craziness and all.
9. He loves my niece as much as I do.
10. He doesn't complain when we have said niece and gets kicked out of our bed.
11. He probably doesn't understand, but is supportive of the extended support lines I need to get through IF.
12. He works very hard - and at night - but lets me have pretty much sole control of our finances.
13. He doesn't complain when I tell him we need to watch our spend very closely and then spend $60 on a tennis outfit.
14. He lets me fill our house with friends and family as often as I like.
15. He has been truly my partner in making our house a HOME.
16. He totally trusts my judgement - I have been the only one to test drive the 3 cars we have bought together.
17. He takes care of the dogs - and all I have to do is love them!!
18. He takes care of our crazy-expensive stray cat...who I admit I like her...but she drives me nuts
19. When life gets too hard, and we can't even say the things that are too hard to say, he will write me a love letter email so that his feelings are still "said."
20. He loves "stupid" movies and shows - the ones that make you laugh just because they are so unbelievable (Taledaga Nights, Sponge Bob, etc.)
21. He finds Curious George episodes comforting.
22. He is freaking FUNNY.
23. He really loves my Dad and being with him (at least, that's how he acts!).
24. If he is your friend, he will be there with you for ANYTHING.
25. He's anally organized - he will keep 3 or 4 lists of things he "needs" to do going at the same time (sometimes this also drives me nuts).
26. He cries with me about infertility, but doesn't blame me that we are going through it.
27. He tells me that I am annoying when I get going on a saying, "That shit is funny dude!!" and the like, but, deep down I know he thinks its funny, too!
28. He understands that I thrive in social settings and doesn't get too annoyed when I have happy hours and such after work (with friends or with co-workers).
29. He loves his job and takes pride in his work.
30. He is a handyman.
31. He is a handyman for anyone - me, my sis, my parents, his parents...anyone.
32. He doesn't get annoyed when I sign him up for something that he doesn't really want to do.
33. He understands and doesn't complain when I get burnt out on SEC football and don't want to make the trek to Athens every weekend in the fall.
34. He loves Jesus Christ.
35. He is open to most ideas.
36. He can intelligently engage in conversations.
37. He has a plethora of knowledge about random stuff.
38. He loves National Geographic - and claims to have read tons of old versions at his Grandmother's house.
39. He loves his grandmother as much as I loved mine...and we both still grieve for them, 15 years after they've gone.
40. He loves the beach.
41. He is very sentimental.
42. He is very creative with gift giving (scavenger hunts, etc.).
43. He is very creative with just about everything!
44. He takes care of the cars - oil changes, etc.
45. He is not a screamer - and I am - which would make for way worse arguments!
46. He likes to sleep in with me!
47. He puts away his own laundry.
48. He is easy going and laid back.
49. He can enjoy a day where we do absolutely nothing.
50. He goes to IF doctor appointments with me.
51. He doesn't complain about having to "give samples" for IF treatments.
52. He feels the same heartache as me - month after month.
53. He will be an INCREDIBLE father.
54. He isn't one of those guys that is all "If we have a girl, I will just die. I want a son to play sports with."
55. He plays princess and funny things that our niece thinks up.
56. He loved his truck, but realized it was time to sell it.
57. He is sentimental enough, that, had we could have afforded to and had a place to store it, he would have kept that truck his entire life.
58. He included our families about how/when/where he was going to propose.
59. He asked my parents permission before he proposed.
60. He planned our honeymoon and kept it a secret.
61. He accidentally told me where we were headed for above mentioned honeymoon the week of our wedding.
62. He always give presents when he buys them because he gets too excited to keep the secret.
63. He gets creative with how to pay for presents because I am in charge of the budget and will see the charge on the AMEX.
64. He will IM me from the bed and say funny things (he works at night, I typically work at home in the kitchen). He'll be 20 feet away from me when he does it.
65. He'll text message me when we are sitting together and say something funny.
66. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know.
67. He likes to drive my sister crazy when we are together by making me laugh at things we can't really explain or aren't really funny to anyone else. She swears we have secrets and are talking about her.
68. He enjoys hanging out with our siblings and their spouses.
69. He doesn't complain that I get to go to the beach more than him - because I have more vacation days.
70. He understands when I am a raging lunatic about IF - be it from the drugs or from severe grief.
71. He gave me my PIO shots and I think it hurt him worse than it did me.
72. He loves animals - ours or someone else's. He has a natural affinity with them
73. He loves me!

A Better Today

I met with 4 other fellow infertiles last night. It was very fun! Its nice to have an IRL support group with people who are also in the trenches of this battle. It's free therapy!!

Please pray for my friend who is having her transfer (5 day!! You go girl!) today - this is her first IVF cycle - and, as we all know - it is sooooo overwhelming!

After my post yesterday, however gratifying it made me feel to say those things, it just annoyed me that I am that angry girl now. So, starting today (even though I couldn't face going into the office), I am going to try harder to be myself again.

I am really nervous/anxious about going to see Dr. K on Friday. This is our post IVF appointment with him, and at my last clinic, my post IVF was a bombardment of "your only hope is donor egg...talk to you sister, see if she would be willing to give you some eggs" heartbreak. I'm nervous he will pull the same stunt, and I just don't think there is any way to prepare my fragile heart for it if he does. On the flip side, I'm not sure if this ol' girl can take another negative beta after IVF.

So, instead of masking all of this pure terror with a really pissed off face, I'm just gonna face it the best I can. So, if I cry everyday, is that really a new thing for me? Not really. At least I can let go of the bitterness.

We will have a baby...come hell or high water...we will be parents.

Monday Monday

So, its a very dreary, rainy day here in Atlanta. I wish I could say my mood was better than the weather. These are the days I wish my blog was private and no one that I "knew" was reading. Oh, well. My IRL people will just have to listen and read my bitching.

I keep thinking I am better and over this last cycle. But, actually, I just continue to be super pissed off. I mean, like, kind of crazy mad about being infertile. Almost need to be committed mad about being infertile. I never wanted to be that really pissed off woman. However, I look in the mirror and there she is.

Don't get me wrong - I am not that girl who won't acknowledge other people's happiness or cannot be happy for other people. I can be happy for others. It is just harder than it used to be. I am totally over pretending to be happy for pregnant teenagers or people who "weren't planning" to become pregnant. If you aren't preventing, then you are trying, idiot. I have friends who are pregnant and its totally fine. Yes, sometimes it makes me feel awkward to be around those huge bellies - because I feel like this idiot puppy - drooling over what I want. PATHETIC. PATHETIC. But, what can you do but wake up every day and just get over yourself?

We went to an adoption seminar at a church yesterday. We didn't tell anyone we were going - I didn't want any opinions. I still don't want any one's opinions on it. I am not sure what my opinion is on it. I do know that it pisses me off that in order to adopt you have to have some stranger come into your home and evaluate whether you are fit to be parents or not. I mean, really? If I were a crack whore in the local trailer park, I could certainly conceive without the government telling me I was a good enough person to be a mother. If I were freaking 16 years old and having sex in my boyfriend's backseat, I would certainly be unfit, but no one would tell me that I couldn't have a child.

I think I have some anger issues I need to work on. I know anger is part of grief, but I'll be damned if I have to live the rest of my life this pissed off.

My ray of sunshine for the day - meeting my IRL infertile friends for dinner tonight.

Heaven help me.

Titles are a bitch

I couldn't think of a title to this post because, well, really, I don't have much to say.

We had a really busy weekend, and that helps keep my mind occupied. I officially went back to work this week in the office and have scheduled Mon - Wed until April 1st to be here. The first day back I cried a lot (again). Sucks. I think the office makes me more depressed because the people here are so high school and I'm never really sure what they say behind my back. I only have 2 friends at work and that is really rare for me.

I am keeping busy at night enjoying this spring weather (at least for this week) walking with friends or playing tennis.

I guess life goes on.

I think this last cycle was much harder than R or I can even admit. I had all these visions of Dr. K swooping in on a white horse and saving the day. I know, he still could, but, I was so sure it was going to be this first time with him.

I have met several people IRL that go to my doctor lately. One is having her ER tomorrow. I whole heartedly pray for her. One is having a D&C today with a tubal in a tube that was removed last year except for one tiny bit. Yeah, I know - you don't even have to say it. One is recovering from endometriosis surgery where they diagnosed it as stage 4. Again, you don't even have to say it.

I know from where I sit, life could be worse. We could have a much worse diagnosis...way worse things could be happening. This, I know.

However, at what point do you let your heart move on? That is the question we are currently exploring. How much are we willing to afford emotionally? Financially, too, but even in my accountants brain, I have long stopped caring about the money.

In real life, I do try to act happier than I feel inside. I try to carry on normal conversations and put on the face of a normal person. Really, though, I am sad. This is not a path I would have ever chosen, and I try to believe and remind myself that its not my choice and that He will carry me when I can no longer walk.

Ga HB 169

Dear Georgia Residents,

Today, the voices of the infertility community in Georgia came together as one voice in opposition to Senate Bill 169 - a bill that would regulate the practice of IVF in Georgia so greatly that it would be impossible to build your family using this medical procedure.The Senate Health and Human Services Committee heard testimony today and voted to send SB 169 to a special Subcommittee consisting of 4 Senators to review the complex issues surrounding this bill.

Click here for complete information on SB 169 and the next steps.RESOLVE wishes to thank the thousands of people that oppose this bill. Your voices were heard! Over 18,000 faxes and emails were sent to the Senate Committee, and many showed up today at the hearing. THANK YOU for taking the time to voice your opposition and to show your support of family building in Georgia.Our fight is not over.

We will monitor this Subcommittee and alert you when a vote is imminent from the full Committee. Stay connected with RESOLVE and this issue - Register to receive RESOLVE's Action Alerts. Get involved. Take Action. Know that by coming together we can make a difference! Thank you again.

Sincerely,
The Board of Directors, Staff, and Volunteers of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Monday Blues...on Tuesday

WARNING. SERIOUS CASE OF THE MONDAYS.

Ugh. I went back to the office today. I don't think I've been in since....um...I don't know. I didn't go in more than maybe 3 times in February. Each time I did come in, my chair was missing from my desk. Today, someone was sitting in my seat. And, I basically had to make him move (he wanted me to go sit somewhere else). I mean, seriously? All my shit is here. Move your new to the company ass somewhere else.

It pissed me off.

Everyone keeps asking me where I've been. At home, mother fuckers. Mind your own business. I am not pregnant, again, for the 26th time in a row. Do you want all of the gory details? My ass is still sore from shots that we done in vain. I have the worst cramps of my life. I am bleeding so bad that I feel like I might need a transfusion. Do you want me to cry and tell you all of these extremely personal details? Oh, really, you do? Because we aren't even friends. I've been at home, asshole - now shut your face and go about your business.

Ah well, that made me feel better.

I might go to a prayer group tomorrow with someone I met at my REs office. If the time is OK permitting work and everything. Maybe it will help. I'm definitely more upset about this that I originally thought. Probably, because I had my niece from Thursday until yesterday and she makes me happy and kepy my heart and mind occupied. Wonder what my sister would think if I just stole her? TOTALLY NOT BEING SERIOUS. I haven't gotten so desperate to kidnap....yet.