Saturday, April 20, 2013 5:10 PM
Hi.
It's been a while since I've stepped into this tiny space.
Not sure who has been coming back to this lonely page though.
Grabbing some time out of the busy work life (and yes feeling really too lazy for work this weekend).
As always, life has always been on a constant change.
It's really incredibly amazing how things can be so different compared to just merely a year ago.
CHANGES;
Situation changes. Circumstance changes. And then change in perspectives follow.
Just last year now I was completely submerged in a pool of sadness and tears.
I was almost fully going through self destruction. I thought I could die of overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions. Life was pretty bad. No, it was atrociously rotten. Each and every cell in my body was filled with negativities. I could not drag myself out of the deep hole I fell into, similar to the life of Sadako you can say. The walls built up, and the facade put up was killing me every passing second. But I had no choice. That was probably the only way out, numb myself from the pain, to shut off all the emotion switch. Practically playing pretence.
As much as 'time heals all wounds', you can never deny that certain wounds will remain as raw and fresh as they have been. Because that's the way it is. Seeing yourself pushing your way through these negative forces from an outsider view, you start to wonder where the supersonic strength comes from. Possibly from the late night partying and being overly intoxicated. I didn't expect these wounds to turn to scars, and then gone, like how (physically) we can scrape the skin off a healing wound and it becomes all brand new again. I thought the scar would remain. I thought the hauntings and recurring fears will never cease.
Until someone so special appeared.
Someone who has never ever given up no matter how I shut off, how I pushed away all the care and concerns. Someone who has managed to pull me out of my shell. Learning to start all over again is not an easy peasy task. Not something you can do within a snap of fingers. It takes a lot of patience from the other party to withstand all your insecurities at the beginning of the journey. & I'm glad this special someone stood by and never left. Thoughts of whatever that happened a year ago never appeared in my mind since.
Cheesy as it seems, for the first time, I'm really thankful to have met someone who loves me for who I am, all my ridiculous mood swings, my temperamental self, fears, weird antics and habits.
Someone whom I don't have my reservations for, someone that I don't have to constantly be on my toes when togethher, someone I don't need to go through mind games with.
I can never be happier than I am now.
With my closest people with me, my dearest girlfriends who always stand by me,
What more can I ask for?
(0) shout out all the love<3!
Saturday, July 14, 2012 1:39 PM
Haven't gotten down to proper writing in months. Finally seated down with a calm mind on a Saturday morning in the office, decided to pen down six months worth of craziness, emotions, thoughts and feelings. Actually, no. Thoughts and feelings are still strung together in a tangled mess that, I doubt, will ever dissolve and turn into uncomplicated strands. The number of roller coaster rides I've been put through was something I can never get to comprehend still.
All things happen for a reason, good or bad. And we all have a choice in making things or allowing them to happen. You can't really blame anyone for any unfortunate consequences if you get to make a choice or choices right from the beginning. You can't regret when things didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be. There is no point in living in regrets - regret in what? For making the choice you made initially, then realised it was wrong? Never try never know. What if you didn't make a decision, then you would never have known the outcome at all.
There has been a lot to learn these past months. Picking up the game again, after what seemed like a decade, only to have it crumbling all over in lightning speed, faster than I thought it would have. I did not know where all the courage came from, but all I knew was it was going to be a tough game. No doubt things spiraled out of control, situations and emotions fluctuated like how stocks rise and fall in every instant. These months saw me shrunk from the amount of liquid I lose, and happiness that only last for less than an hour a day, or none at all. To worsen the situation, immense pressure from school, work and people spun me all around and broke me further into smaller pieces. Not knowing when the agony will end especially when you lose total control of your heart and mind, it totally felt like being lost in a tunnel with no light in sight. I lost all the strength and will to fight any negative emotions, I thought I could never get out of it.
It was a rather tough and tedious battle. Not only did I almost lose
myself in the process, I also almost lost people that are closest to
me. Through all these, I took with me many things that are intangible, lessons that probably can and should only be learned once. Discovered, or uncovered, things about myself, people and situations. Not only it is wrong to trust people too easily, trusting your heart or mind can result in the same consequences too. Words come too easily from people, but words from your heart and mind do the same as well.
You can always put your past behind you, but you can never ever forget how it once made you feel. You were happy, at least for a little while. You also begin to realise, truth is overrated. Sometimes, or most of the time, truth doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the outcome, neither does it change the moments that made you feel.
Now that life's slowly getting back on the right track, there are still moments of darkness that pop out during random night times. This is only normal. You cannot expect everything to go off. You can shut them out, but it will haunt you every now and then, and you can never run away from it. Shutting off is as easy as an on-off button now, and struggling to feel anything at all becomes a problem too. With walls made of bricks built high up, I hope it becomes harder to tear it down. Perhaps the next time the game is played, it will be another half a decade later.
Blocking out all negative emotions while channeling full force energy in carving out a proper career shall be the focus. Going through days by counting my blessings, and avoiding looking at the shortfalls of my life shall be the goal of every day. I feel so tired to go on sometimes, facing what seemed like a debt collector office rather than a home. We shall see how long this can last, and how long more I can hold on till everything crumbles down again.
I knew from the start we were nothing like 'forever'.
Because forever is such a scary place.
(0) shout out all the love<3!
Saturday, June 16, 2012 2:56 PM
Is this what I think it is?
If it is, must I run away?
Shut offffff.
(0) shout out all the love<3!
Sunday, May 27, 2012 7:53 PM
So to say, I've actually gotten what I wanted from the start without realising it
(0) shout out all the love<3!
Monday, May 14, 2012 5:56 PM
The person who says won't hurt you,
will hurt you more than you ever known
(0) shout out all the love<3!
