Sharing

I make my kids share. You can find all kinds of theories out there about why that is a bad thing or a good thing, but at our house it doesn't matter. We have five kids close in age in small space and we have no choice. We have to share. And of course, they don't always like it, but here are a few things we do that make things easier.

Vocabulary - There are a few things I say over and over and over again. Yes, it gets old. But its helpful to use the same language, especially when the kids are very young. It helps them make the association that taking a ball away from someone and taking a train are the same action and will have similar consequences. I use "take, trade and turns." As in, "Don't take" and "It is not nice to take, you can see if he wants to trade, or you can wait your turn." We started this when my second was barely a week old. Anytime my oldest was playing with something and his brother was in the room I would ask him to share. So he would set one of his trains on the baby blanket and play with the rest, and when he decided that he wanted that particular train back I would remind him that he couldn't just grab a toy that someone else had, he needed to trade him for something else. It was helpful that the baby couldn't focus more than 12 inches, let alone care which toy train was sitting near him; but it set up the pattern, and that was what we were going for.

Alternatives - Inevitably there are some specific toys that my kids don't want to share. Usually something new, like a birthday present. And that's fine. They shouldn't have to share everything. But it's hard for the other kids, too. Because new is cool and they want to see. So if they have something they don't want to share, they don't have to, but they don't get play with it in front of everyone else either. Thats just rude. So the toy gets put away, and they can play with it when they are alone or when they decide to share.

Rules - At our house if you put something down and walk away, you can't get mad if someone else picks it up and plays with it. You can ask for it back, but the other person doesn't have to give it to you. If you don't want anyone else to have it, you have to put it safely away in your bed. [Each kid has a bin or box at the foot of their beds for special toys and things]

You want to trade me the green train for the blue one?
I don't know.....

No one is ever allowed to grab something out of someone else's hands. Not even me. So even if one kid has taken a toy and needs to give it back, I don't physically touch the toy. I have been known to grab a toddler before she runs out of the room and hold her on my lap. Then I tell her she can't keep a toy that she took from someone's hand and she has to give it back. I will even guide her elbow to help her give back the toy, but she has to do it herself.

There are two important reasons to do it this way. One, is that I need my kids to get used to obeying my voice, not physical force. For safety reasons alone, they need to react to my voice. Also, it doesn't take too long before I can't physically force them anyway. Kids are strong little suckers and there is nothing more difficult than trying to wrestle a stolen toy away from an uncooperative toddler while 8 months pregnant at a play group while you are trying to make a good first impression. (Not that I know from experience with that one or anything.)

The second reason is that it keeps the kids from getting into physical fights when I'm not there. We've been doing this for so long now that only the two-year-old ever grabs toys from someone's hand, and the older ones never even try to grab it back. They scream, or tell her no, or come get me, but we don't have any out-and-out brawls over toys ever. [More on our "no hitting" policy to come]

Consequences - I set a timer if the kids need to take turns with something, but sometimes not even that works. On those occasions, the toys simply get taken away. I say, "If it isn't fun, you don't have to play with it. And we will find something else to do." And then nobody gets it. The top of the fridge is a great place to put toys into time out because the kids can still see them, but can't reach. I also put things in the top of my closet if it is going to be gone for a long time. Sometimes the kids are sent to different rooms to play by themselves. At this point, they don't usually see that as a punishment, and it isn't meant to be, just a way to make sure our home is more peaceful.

The majority of sibling rivalry centers around the sharing of stuff and space. And it is understandable that kids will fight sometimes, but they can be taught to share and coexist peacefully (most of the time).

Parenting Advice

Saw this pose on Pinterest.
Can we re-create it?

My parenting philosophy is this: as a parent I should read/learn everything I can about child development, child psychology, personality types, love languages and all the things that can help me  understand who my children are and what kind of behavior is appropriate for their age. And after that I do whatever works best for our family. I love hearing different strategies and ideas for dealing with specific problems, but I always filter them through this lens of what I can do and what our whole family needs. Sometimes I'm sure there are things that I could do that would really benefit one child, but if I can't do that without damaging myself or my relationship with my husband or my time with the other children it isn't going to happen, because I have to consider the needs of the whole family and everyone in it. 

nope

To this end I spend a lot of time reading books and magazines about child-rearing. (Side note: never trust a source that is not based in science. There is so much research being done and made available that I'm very skeptical about any source that doesn't even bother to address it. Especially books written from a religious perspective. All my studies have led me to understand that science and religion can and should support each other. Also, be very wary of other people's opinions on the internet. Just because someone is interested in it and can type about it does not mean that they actually know what they are talking about. Including me- ESPECIALLY me.)

Still nope

Since I love reading what has worked for other people, I've been thinking of writing some blog posts about what has worked for us. But here is my worry; I would hate for anyone to read what I have written and then be self-conscious about their own parenting. You have to do what is best for you and your family. And any advice I happen to give here is of the try-it-if-it-helps variety.

Also, I am not judging anyone's parenting. I don't watch other parents and think about what a horrible job they are doing. Unless you are abusing your child - in which case, yes, you are a horrible parent and should get help immediately. I do sometimes notice when parents are doing things different than I would do them, but at most I think that they are making their own lives harder. Kids are really resilient and will figure out a way to handle being raised by imperfect people (Thank goodness!)

Ok, now there is crying.
Everybody stop.

Most parenting mistakes only result in more work for the parent, and not in long-term damage to the child. That parent responding to the child's tantrum with giving in or a tantrum of his or her own? Just gave the kid power and he will do it again the next time he wants to be in control. But will it stop him from graduating from High School or getting a job? Probably not. It just makes his growing up years harder on his parents.

So please don't ever feel after reading my blog that I am judging you. You have to do whatever works for your family. And I think that anyone who is trying to be a good parent is on the right track. I just like to assume that everyone is doing the best they can in their own moment. But if you are stuck on something and need a couple of ideas of things to try, I'm hopeful that I can help about that.

My hardest times as a parent have been when I am out of ideas. I would rather have 10 ideas and only have to use five of them than have three ideas that didn't work and I'm stuck with a screaming child and no plan of how to react.

image credit, David and Kelly Sopp "Safe Baby Handling Tips"find it here

I do have many years of experience. I was a teacher before I was a parent, and a babysitter before I was a teacher. (My lifetime total of diaper changes is astronomically high) And most of the time, I'm pretty good at what I do. But God knows what he is doing. If He had wanted me to raise your child, He could have sent that child to me. But He didn't. He sent your children to you because they need you and you need them. They need your best efforts, and they also need your mistakes. And they want YOU, they love YOU.

So if reading about what we do is helpful, great. If not, please don't waste any energy worrying about it. Just move on to something that does help.

The care and keeping of introverts

I think of myself as an introvert, but if there is a continuum, I'm closer to the middle. And my fourth child? She is ALL the way at the end. In some ways, it feels like I'm still getting to know her. Nearly four years as her mother and she is still sometimes guarded with me, still revealing her personality piece by piece. And this girl has personality to spare, she is so delightful and fun, she just keeps it to herself until she feels ready to share.

And she is very articulate for a three-year-old, so lately she has shared some thoughts that are so classically introvert that I felt I should pass them along, just in case you come across an introvert sometime in your life and want to understand what is going on inside their head.

The other day she was playing with her dolls, making them sing and dance. (Aside: She would not have been singing so freely if I had been watching her. She likes to know I am there and paying attention, but does not like to be the center of attention. So I was packing and she was playing - and we just happened to be in the same room.) Her doll was dancing on the dollhouse roof: "I'm so BRAVE! I'm the bravest! I can talk to anyone in the whole world!"

Dancing on the roof? Not a problem. Talking to any random person? Now that takes guts.

A few days later she was playing with another doll - this one can open and shut her eyes when she sits up or lays down. She brought the doll into my room, situated her on my bed and informed me: "Mom, she isn't asleep. She is just doing that with her eyes because she doesn't like people."

Dancing in the moving truck

And last week we moved. Overall, this will be a very good change for our family, but it was still change and that is stressful. New experiences take a lot of energy out of an introvert and she need lots of time to recharge.

Child #4 was great. Exploring the moving truck was cool and she enjoyed the slumber party after I had disassembled the beds. She was excited about going to a new church building and meeting new friends. She stayed in her class with no fuss at all. And when I picked her up after class she tightly wrapped her arms and legs around me and whispered in my ear "I'm never letting go of you again!"

After about half an hour of cuddles she was ready to play by herself again. The next day she begged for her favorite foods for lunch and then climbed into her bed and slept for three hours.

I have been trying to be respectful of her needs and to help her through all this change. One of the best things I did was a complete accident. While packing I came across an old blanket of mine. A miniature purple down comforter. She has adopted it as her own and wraps up in it whenever she needs some time alone.

Napping for the first time in at least a year

And she has needed lots of alone time. This is one of the hard things about being an introvert in a big family. She loves her siblings and plays with them a lot, but sometimes she just needs to play alone. And she doesn't really care which toys she gets as long as no one is touching them or her. Having quiet time in her bed is a huge help. She gets a couple of toys and as many books as she wants and everyone has to be quiet and in their beds. It is extra nice because child #5 is still in a crib and can't get out to bug her even if she wanted to. At our house beds are sacred territory, you are never allowed to get into anyone else's bed unless invited.

The more I get to know her, the more I realize what a treasure she has shared in opening up to me. She won't allow very many people in her life to be this close to her. And I'm her mom. I get to be the first. What a gift! I'm actually a little terrified that I might accidentally dismiss something important from her one day, and unknowingly betray that trust. I'm afraid that would be a disaster for our relationship.

Husband and most of our kids are introverts as well, so she is in good company, but I think she has needed the most TLC lately. Mostly it is about finding the right balance between being respectful of her space and being available when she needs comfort.

An open letter to a dear friend

(Author's note. This is a serious post. I was trying to be serious. But it came out geeky (and Sirius))

Oh, my Friend,

It is always a pleasure to talk to you, and I'm so glad we have had the past several years to get to know each other. After our last handful of conversations, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. If it were in my power I would wave my magic wand and fix everything for you (curse my muggle blood!)

I do understand what it is like to have a crisis of faith. I know what it is to be plagued by doubts and to lose sleep wrestling with thoughts that can't always fit in your head all at once. It is not a comfortable place to be - trying to understand how you can believe two things at the same time that seem to contradict each other. Your phrase "cognitive dissonance" is perfectly descriptive. It would be nice if you had a pensive, to take out your thoughts and look at them again from a different perspective.


I'm not you. So I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through. But I can tell you that I have an inkling. You are not weird or even slightly unusual. There are more of us out there than you think. We tend not to talk about it much. But here is where I am now.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know, its a mouthful. I prefer LDS for convince. Around here lots of people call it "The Church" for short, usually without realizing how egotistical it sounds. A lot of people call us Mormons. But I don't call myself Mormon. To me, Mormon is a culture; an upper-middle-class-suburban-white-conservative-Republican group think that makes me very uncomfortable. I'm lucky, because even though I was raised in that culture, it was always very clear to me that there is a difference between the actual doctrine taught by the LDS Church and the way people interpret it to support what they want so that they don't have to think outside the box. I love the doctrine - I tolerate the culture. Sometimes only barely.

My place in this church is hard won. I was baptized by my father at the age of 8, and I've seen close up a lot of beautiful Christian service and a lot of really awful things too. Which is to say that my church, like the rest of the world, seems to be full of human beings. I never felt pressured to go to church, I never worried that my family and friends would stop loving me if I gave it up. I choose to continue attending this church knowing full well what I was getting myself into. At eighteen I sat up many nights honestly evaluating myself and my life and deciding what role religion would play in my future. I choose to be LDS, just as surely as any adult who runs into our missionaries and decides to join. And I've spent a lot of time re-evaluating that choice over the years. For me, going to church is always a deliberate act of Christianity, and not something I do out of routine.

You're not wrong, my friend. You are not wrong when you ask questions and point out inconsistencies. I wish there were some sermon, some scripture that would make everything fall into place. That would sort everything out that doesn't make sense. Some things don't make sense. Some things seem contradictory. I don't have the answers.

But if you'll forgive me, I do have some advice.Well, Joss Whedon has some advice, which I am going to steal. "When you can't run, you walk. When you can't walk, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you."



You know I'm far from perfect, and my faith probably can't carry you for long. But I'm offering it for as long as you need. Here is what I know, here is what has sustained me through my rough times. If anything helps, take it and leave the rest.

First, know that you have your very own conscience. You were born with the "light of Christ... that (you) may know good from evil." No one else needs to tell you what is right, you will know it when you feel it. Have the confidence in yourself that you are capable of finding the peace you seek, as long as you are paying attention. Sometimes it is easier and more fun, to ignore what you feel in your heart and just do what will make you forget. (Why do you think people love Netflix with its 15 seconds to decide if you want to think anymore?)

Sometimes I feel that I'm loosing myself in a lot of conflicting messages about who I should be. It is confusing, and never helpful when I'm trying to set my own priorities. I do better when I focus on who I am now. Who I really am, not who I wish I was, or who I pretend to be. "Just be yourself!" Bwahahaha! All those cheesy Jr. High motivational posters coming back to haunt me. But I find that when I fill my days with things that I love; that I love for deep, personal reasons that have nothing to do with how high-class other people will think I am, that is when I feel the most like myself and make the best decisions.



Second, know that you are who God make you to be. You were created with a quick mind and a strong sense of justice. You desire simple truth and compassion and fairness. Those are qualities that God has and that you inherited. These are good things, and it is right that you should use them to evaluate the world around you. You are a child of the Gods and you are expected to use your talents. Even when your talents lead you to ask difficult questions. You are right. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not a spiritual person because you don't automatically believe everything people tell you to.

And my final bit of advice comes from James Jones, a therapist. I took a parenting class from him years ago. I'm paraphrasing a bit, but after giving us all kinds of ideas and advice he told us that the most important question you always have to answer - no matter what the problem is - is "How do I react in a Christ-like way?" Because in the end, it won't matter what anyone else said or did, it will only matter that I acted like a Christian.

I may not be helping you at all. I just wanted to let you know the things that I find most helpful. And I'm grateful that you trusted me enough to confide in me. And I will love you no matter what. I have faith in you. You can find what you are looking for.

 - Love you!

#4

Once there was a little girl, who had a little curl, 

right in the middle of her forehead. 

When she was good, she was very good indeed. 

But when she was bad she was horrid.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This is Child #4. 

 She shines.

She is so full of life it shoots out of her in sparks and rays and beams. When I was pregnant with her I was praying to know how to prepare and what to expect from the next little life to join us. The answer that I got was very specific: "This child will be different in ways you can not imagine." With an introduction like that I knew we were in for quite a ride.

I have not been disappointed.

The majority of the time she is delightful. But this past year has been hard for us. Two is always a rough age, and her personality made it especially difficult. I don't always know how to handle her. When she gets upset, she is hard to calm down. Even if I just let her cry it out, she can sit in her bed and cry for an hour and then be on edge for the rest of the day. I can not always anticipate what will set her off. And she has recently been diagnosed with Celiac like her father and brother, so she spent much of the past year not feeling well.

I tried every trick I know to avoid tantrums, screaming and whining. Nothing was working. I can not stop that child from being upset if she has a mind to. So I gave up. I decided the only thing I can do is to try and tip the scales. I tried to make her laugh at least once a day (and we had been weeks without hearing her laugh). I chased her and tickled her and sang more songs. I drew out the happy times as long as possible, knowing that I needed to save up her smiles to help me get through the screams.

I wasn't expecting it to change her behavior, but it has. She is happier, more confident, less clingy and does not have nearly as many bad days. I can't stop her from fighting with her sisters or getting into things she shouldn't. But I can make sure she has fun games to play and lots of hugs. I should have realized earlier that she is very good at reflecting the emotions going on around her, and made sure she had plenty of positive ones to choose from.

She turned three in November, and I have been worried. Our experience has been that three is harder than two. And she has been our hardest two year old. But so far things are just getting better. She is old enough now to do so many things herself that she can be as independent as she has been fighting to be. And I am enjoying this sweet season of spending lots of time with my little firecracker.

We have this ongoing battle about pants. She hates them. And she hates that I make her wear them. Our compromise is that she can wear just a skirt at home but when we go out in the 10 degree weather she has to wear pants. At her three-year checkup she got a flu shot, and she had to take off her leggings. I told her she did have to get the shot but she did not have to put the leggings back on. So she let the nurse give her the shot with no fussing at all.

And the next week we had to go back because she had had an ear infection for several days. The nurse and the doctor both commented on her outfit - a very typical bright patterned shirt, non-matching striped skirt and zebra striped leggings. They both asked her if she dressed herself and told her she looked nice. I find it hilarious that they think I EVER get to pick her clothes.

In about fifteen years her insistence on wearing short skirts with nothing underneath and covering her arms and legs with bad art is going to be a lot less cute. (Yes, I give her pens and let her write all over herself. It washes off. Not even worth trying to stop.)

A bit of psychology

So I worked out yesterday. Yay me!

Now, I am not ordinarily a big fan of people who feel the need to broadcast their exercise status all across the internet. No one cares that you spent an hour at the gym today - you are just making the rest of us look lazy, which may be the point, I don't know.

But I'm bothering posting about it partly because it has been several months since the last time I worked out, so it's kind of a big deal, but mostly because before that I was on a pretty good routine and I finally found something that works for me (mostly) so I thought I'd share.

I'm not the kind of person who loves to work out.  I do like to run, but mostly because I can listen to my music loud and no-one can be clinging to my leg. I don't like being sore the next day because I pushed so hard. I don't love a aerobics class or sweating with other people. None of that is appealing to me.

And the biggest reason I don't love to work out is because of the mental state I have to be in to exercise the way most people seem to recommend. I've done it, but I've realized that I have to hate myself a lot. Disgust with myself and my body is the only way to keep going when I feel terrible and want to quit.

For me, it became a form of self-punishment. A way to medicate against my low self-esteem. (There are much worse coping strategies, I know.) But I found a lot of my pleasure in working out was vindictive against my body. I felt I deserved to suffer through a hard workout because I let myself eat junk food. And I was glad that I was sore in the morning because I knew I was a bad person. It was the same kind of subtle hate I was feeling for myself when I picked at a pimple or a hangnail. It almost felt better to be inflicting pain that I felt I deserved. And it worked the other way too. I would eat junk food while hating myself for eating it and feeling like I deserved to be fat and unhealthy. I would tell myself how ugly I looked because I have so many pimples while picking at them and making them worse because I did not deserve to be pretty.

Recognizing why I was doing it was a huge first step in stopping. Logically, I know I am a good person and that I deserve to be happy and healthy just like everyone else. I don't wish pain or sickness on someone else, why would I bring it on myself? Becoming aware of the thoughts behind my actions helped me take control of how I was thinking about myself.

But I still wanted to work out because I want to be healthy and active. So here is my safe-easy-fun-do-it-yourself-patented-home-workout method. Look for my name next to...... someone famous for working out ( I don't know any of those people's names)

I found a five minute zumba video on YouTube, and I thought. "I can do five minutes." And I did. Then the next day I did five minutes, and the next. Any day that I did any kind of exercise I deliberately told myself how great I was, how healthy I was, how much more energy I had. I celebrated every time. Even those days that I held a plank for five seconds and quit. Five SECONDS! Woo-hoo! It's five seconds more than nothing. My only goal was to do something active every day. Two push ups? Awesome. Danced to my favorite song for three minutes? Perfect. The days I managed to do a seven minute routine from YouTube I felt so powerful.

Naturally, it didn't last forever. And I can't post pictures of how sculpted my body is now, or tell you the number of pounds I lost (we don't own a scale anyway.) That wasn't the point. The point was that I felt better, I had more energy and I liked myself. Then chaos took over and I lost my momentum. And that was fine too. I did not NEED to work out, I just like it. I like spending time everyday on something that makes me feel good. I can spare five minutes for myself.

And so can you. That is what I wanted to pass on. It doesn't have to be exercise. Read a book, play a video game, paint a picture, build a cabinet, whatever. Just become aware of how you are thinking about yourself and don't be your own enemy.

It's hard still, sometimes. I can't completely change my thought patterns at once. I can not always stop myself from feeling bad about myself. What I can do is take time every day to fill myself with positive thoughts. Rather than trying to silence the bad, I'm trying to drown it out. A flood of positive that leaves no room for negative.

And a page from "The Twits" By Roald Dahl

The Sex Talk Part II

(On becoming a sexpert)

In which I go into full on teacher mode and everyone is bored out of their minds. Also, a reminder: this is just what I think and what worked for us. It is not the only or even the best way to talk about sex. Ignore me completely and do whatever works for your family.

For Part One, go here.

I was telling my husband that this post really needs some cool images to break things up - but I couldn't think of any that would go with the topic (and I'm not about to do an internet search)

Before you set out to teach someone else, you should become an expert on sex yourself. No, I don't mean you need to perfect your technique (though that might be helpful for other reasons).  I mean you need to understand what your own values and beliefs about sex are and be able to talk about them.  I know everyone has different degrees of comfort in talking about intimacy and that is OK.  I actually find it fascinating that there is such a variety in how comfortable people are talking about sex, but everyone seems to think that they have found the perfect balance.  "My comfort level is the RIGHT place to be.  People who are less comfortable talking about sex are prudes; people who are more comfortable talking about sex are too racy."  Honestly, the only people you need to be comfortable talking about sex to are: God, your spouse, your doctor, and your children - in that order.  (Yes, I pray about sex.) If you don't think you can talk to your kid about sex, I suggest you practice.  Sit in front of the mirror if you have to.  There is no situation I can think of where avoiding this topic is in any way helpful. If you are capable of having children, you better make yourself capable of talking about how they got here.  Or, to quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "If you're doing it, I'm pretty sure you can say it."

The tricky part was in being able to explain things in vocabulary that he understands. So I'll tell you what we talked about, but for me, it is easier to explain the way I would to a grown-up. If you want to repeat some form of this with your own kids, I'm going to leave the translating-to-kid-talk bit up to you. Just bear in mind that kids can understand a lot, but you will need to define a lot of words. And here is a great comic, explaining the space shuttle using only the ten hundred words people use the most often. I kind of felt we were talking like this much of the time. (follow the link here to see it closer.)

Here is my short list of the topics I wanted to cover on his birthday:  Sex, Chastity, Masturbation, Pornography, Personal Safety, Homosexuality.  Obviously we've talked about some of these things before in Family Home Evening and things, but I wanted to go over them again in our formal talk.

First, I asked him if he knew what sex was.  He said no. Again, he is a kid.  Even though he read a book about where babies come from and we've talked about it before, this is really not on his mind.  No hormones, remember? (this is actually probably the biggest reason to talk to him about it now, before it gets all complicated).  So we told him that sex is the word for how babies are made, and we wanted to talk a little more about that now that he is old enough. The details of what happens during sex are pretty straight forward and we spent the bulk of our time talking about what sex is for.

Sex is kind of like eating, in that you have a desire for it and it serves several functions.  One function of sex is to make babies.  Another is to deepen the love between partners.  Another is to foster communication between partners.  Another is to have physical pleasure for yourself.  Another is to give physical pleasure to someone else.  Another is to build self-control, and to show our willingness to obey the commandments of God.  All of these things influence each other and can work together to help individuals, and couples, and families. And that is why we believe that sex should only happen between married couples. Sex is about making a family stronger (and sometimes bigger). The reasons we have sex, the reasons we wanted to talk to him about sex, are all about being a happy family.

Even though so much of this happens only with a husband and wife, I don't believe it is possible to be dysfunctional in this area and not have it show up in other areas of your life.  You just can't separate yourself into pieces like that - and trying only makes things more complicated.  And it definitely affects the kids, even if they never know the details.  I have had the unfortunate experience of seeing in certain friends some family dynamics that were very wrong, but not really being able to put my finger on why.  I found out later that the problem was with the parents and their sex lives.  To this day, it affects those children, even though I believe that I know more of the explicit details than they all do.

Most of the problems that arise from sexual dysfunction stem from the fact that people try to pull the functions of sex apart and only get them one at a time.  You have to have the communication and the pleasure and the love all at the same time for it to be healthy.  I'm not saying that people should have sex only to have babies, or that birth control is wrong, but if having a baby is the worst possible scenario in your life right now - you're better off taking a cold shower.  I know I've joked here before about our inability to prevent our children, but the fact is that the real reason that I wanted the timing to be different was because being pregnant is a hassle, and I didn't want to make the time for it.  In much the same way I get upset when I have to wait in traffic for an extra 20 minutes.  We are happily married with good family and neighborhood support, so we can handle the possibility of a child.  If you can't even handle the possibility. . . like I said: cold shower.

But there are lots of ways that people try to separate sex into it's parts and only get one at a time.  I believe that any time a couple has sex or doesn't have sex based solely on one person's pleasure is wrong.  It is enjoyable to bring pleasure to someone you love, and to feel pleasure in return.  I think a lot of couples get into trouble by simply being selfish in their approach to sex.  When you truly love someone and care about them, sex is a expression of how you feel and how you want them to feel - selfishness has no place in that kind of love.

Back to the food metaphor:  If you were to try and get only the pleasure of chewing and tasting without the benefits of digestion and nutrient absorption you would start to see some serious effects on the body.  Taking  the functions of sex apart works in much the same way.  I think the most obvious form of this is masturbation.  Masturbation is to sex what bulimia is to eating.  You are only trying to get one form of pleasure out of something that is meant to serve many purposes.  And just like bulimia, you aren't going to see any damaging affects right away, but it is a symptom of deeper issues.  And most likely, those deeper issues are the same kinds of things: low self-worth, need for control and a misunderstanding of your own value as a human being as well as the value of the people surrounding you.

And yeah, you won't read this in any child rearing book.  The most they say on masturbation is to tell the kids to do it in private, and to recognize that it is normal.  I think this is because child-rearing books used to warn parents that masturbation could lead to insanity and to shame and punish their children if they were ever caught curiously touching their own bodies. The books seemed to have skipped over (my understanding of) the middle ground: where masturbation should be discouraged because it (coupled with pornography) can be addictive and stunts your ability to communicate with, be excited by, and enjoy your partner. It doesn't make anyone evil, it is just a bad coping mechanism and defeats the purpose of sex. And that is as far as we went explaining that. But, now we've opened the door, and can talk about it again as it comes up.

The only thing we said about homosexuality was to define it and some slang terms associated with it (gay, fag) explain that we do not believe that it is right (another of those things that goes against what we believe sex is for in the first place) but some other people do - and that is OK. And to tell him that there is no reason to EVER use any of these terms to tease anyone, and that that is very VERY wrong.

Whew. I'm not done yet, but we'll break for now. Safety and abuse are a whole other blog post. Stay tuned.......

The Sex Talk Part I

Child #1 turned eight a couple of months ago.  Crazy.

Eight is a big one for us.  He'll be getting baptized and has reached what our religion calls the "age of accountability "  Which means that he can now begin to sin.  Woo-hoo! We believe that kids under the age of 8 are incapable of sin.  They can misbehave, but sin is knowingly disobeying a law of God, which we believe that they can begin to understand at 8.

Our society is awful at rites of passage.  We don't have any really good ceremonies or celebrations that show a child is growing up.  (Maybe that is why we keep pushing back the age of adolesence.) We really wanted to make his eighth birthday a big deal, an initiation into growing up.

So partly in preparation for the baptism we took him on a date, just Husband and me.  We got a babysitter for the younger kids and got to just talk about grown-up things.  We talked it up for weeks.  How excited we were that he is old enough to understand grown-up talk, how important it is, etc, etc.  Then we went to a grown-up restaurant, one that does not say "burger" anywhere on the menu.  And he sat on the inside of a booth right next to Mom and across from Dad where he could't escape.  And he had nothing to distract him but his strawberry lassi.  And we talked about sex. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Every kid's worst nightmare right?  Well, every teenager's worst nightmare maybe.  Not for an eight-year-old.  He had a great time and thought it was cool.

I was surprised at how well it went.  It wasn't awkward at all, not for him or us.  I'm not sure about the people in the booth next to us, I couldn't tell how well the sound carried.  It was positive and informative and we talked about everything I wanted to cover.  I am very pleased.

Every kid's needs are different, and I'm not saying we have the perfect system, but I've had several questions from other moms about how we handled it.  If you hate it, hey, at least you know one way NOT to do it.

First of all, we've been talking about "private parts" since he was a baby.  Private parts are covered by your underwear.  They are the special parts of your body that you use to go to the bathroom.  Boys and girls are different.  Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.  (SOOOO important to use correct words!) We call them private parts because they are personal and special.  A grown-up like Mommy or Daddy or Grandma can help you in the bathroom, and the doctor will sometimes need to check your private parts to make sure you are growing healthy.  Unless you are in the bath or using the bathroom, please leave them alone.  And, when they forget and wander around scratching their crotch, (ALL kids do this.  Boys and Girls.  It is normal.) we simply ask if they need to go to the bathroom and remind them to wash their hands.

Then, of course, we answer every question in an age appropriate way when it comes up.  Thus the chicken conversation.  (By the way, I wasn't explicit in my last post about this, but a two minute sex talk goes something like this:  "The male puts his penis in the female's vagina and a liquid with the cells from the daddy goes inside.  Not pee, but a special liquid called semen.  And the cells from the daddy meet with the cells from the mommy and a baby starts to grow.")  This requires really paying attention to your kid and what they are saying, not what you are reading into what they are saying.  An adult perspective is completely different from a kid's.  You may think it was awkward to walk in the room and find your sister sitting on her boyfriend's lap and kissing.  Your kid did not see it the same way you did, trust me. Be very literal and only answer the questions they ASK.  And define things as you go along.  A few words your kid will need working definitions to: vagina, penis, cell, private, uterus/womb, sex, baby, semen, etc....

And we have an age appropriate book about it.  There are several options available.  We went with "It's Not  the Stork!" by Robie Harris, which I highly recommend.  I read it beforehand and gave it to him to read one night by himself.  You could easily read it to your child if they needed the information, but weren't reading independently yet.  But I don't leave it in circulation with the other kids' books.  Mostly because I don't want to have to read it to the two-year-old.

One thing that seemed to work very well was that he was by himself when we read it and when we talked about it.  He and his brother are close in age and get along well, it would have been easy to combine and talk to them both about it at once.  But I think it worked better that we didn't.  It underscores that this is an important topic, and doesn't set either brother up as an expert to give advice to the other (I want that to be our job).

The other thing that I think is crucial to making this work so well is that Husband and I are on the same page about what to tell him and when.  We've spent hours discussing our own beliefs about sex and sexual morality, and we were able to talk to him about it at the same time, without either of us really taking over or contradicting each other.  This is one thing you and your spouse REALLY need to be on the same page about for yourselves, not just for the kids.

So I had made a quick outline of what I thought we needed to cover.  It only boiled down to answering a couple basic questions: What is sex for?  Why do we treat it with respect?  And practically, what does that mean for an eight-year-old? or How do we show that respect?

Husband and I talked it over and wrote it down (I'm big on writing things down).  I didn't end up getting my notes out at our dinner, but I had them in my purse just in case.  The other thing I added at the last minute was homosexuality.  We didn't go into a lot of detail about that, just defined it (and it's partner words, gay, fag, etc...).  And told him that it is never, under ANY circumstances, ok to tease someone using those words.

It was such a fun night.  We all had a good time, and I'm feeling like it was a great starting point for the rest of these conversations.



(I will go into detail about exactly what we said...but this post is getting long and it has already taken me several months to write and edit.  Part 2 is partially written, I'll post it when I can.)

Hell Week

This post is probably only interesting if you're in the middle of the newborn phase of child-rearing or facing it in the very near future.  If that isn't you, go ahead and skip to something more interesting, like read a book, or. . . hey!  have you seen this BBC series about an Italian police officer named Zen?  I love it.  

Baby number five is now a month old.  This means that I have now had a little over a week to recover from her third week of life, or as my mother and aunts affectionately refer to it: Hell Week.

Week three of a new baby's life is Hell Week because everyone goes back to their normal schedule and leaves you alone with the baby.  Mom and Mother-in-law go back to their regular lives, Husband goes back to work and they leave you alone.  She's three weeks old after all.  You should know what to do with her.  But you don't.  Because a three-week-old baby is still pretty much an insensible lump.  She has no recognizable schedule and can't maintain eye contact for more than a couple of seconds.  How are you supposed to know what to do?

By week three, the sleep deprivation is setting in with a vengeance.  You probably haven't slept through the night for at least two months. Now that the baby's head isn't pressing on your bladder, she thinks she should be able to suck on your breast non-stop.  Which still hurts.  Even if you've breastfed multiple babies before, it still takes a newborn a while to figure out how to eat without causing mommy pain so bad she wants to cry.  And your body is still regulating milk production - odds are you are making too much, which adds to the pain. Even if you aren't breastfeeding, your breasts are still very tender by week three. And while I'm on the subject of pain -   By week three your doctor prescribed pain meds are gone, even if you've been rationing them.  But the pain? the pain is NOT gone.  In fact it is made worse by the sleep deprivation.  I don't know why doctors don't prescribe medication to last as long as the pain will, but they never do.  The stool softeners last for at lest a month, so they KNOW that you won't be back to normal by then, but the happy drugs only last two weeks, tops.

And if you are me, your first excursion out with the baby and whomever else you may have to take care of all by yourself will be to the doctor's office to get yourself another prescription, this one for a UTI.  (Which, by the way, does not come with pain medication - I asked) This is very common and has happened to me after every single baby. So you may find yourself wrangling five small children at the insta-care and trying to give a urine sample while the youngest two scream bloody murder because they are still traumatized by the doctor's visit last week which involved immunizations.

By week three it will be dawning on your other children that the new baby isn't going anywhere, and she really isn't much fun.  Expect the bad behavior and regression to worsen as they adjust.  Your own hormones are going through yet another shift, so the crying and tantrums will not be coming only from the children.

Right now I'm trying to focus on the best, simplest baby advice I ever got.  Two things:  Feed the baby right when she wakes up and try and give her a "full" feeding every time.  Lots of babies like to take ten swallows of milk and then fall peacefully to sleep - only to wake up 45minutes later wanting to eat again - repeat cycle all night long.  If she's full, she'll sleep or be awake and content for a lot longer.  Plus, my kids tend to sleep better if they fall asleep after a feeding, not during.  It sounds pretty simple, but it's not.  Actually right now I'm focusing on the feeding thing.  I feed her as much as she will eat all at once and then I know if she cries in the next couple of hours, it is because she needs something else.  The schedule will come, everything else will fall in place eventually.  And now that I'm past it, I can tell you that even Hell Week will end.  

genius

Sometimes, very rarely, I have a moment of parenting genius.  A moment when I do exactly the right thing and it works perfectly.  It doesn't happen very often, so I have to document and share it.  Last week I had one of those moments.

I was helping my Kindergartner with his homework.  He has a hard time remembering which way his b's and d's face.  This is totally normal, and most teachers and tests don't even count it as a mistake until 1st or 2nd grade.  But he was frustrated and didn't want to have to keep asking me which way a D goes.

We've also been learning the alphabet in sign-language, mostly because I knew it growing up and thought my kids should too.

SO:  If you can't remember which way a D goes and you are writing something, just look at your hand.  Does your hand remember?  (pointer finger pops up) I DO! I DO! And you are making a d with your hand.  He thought it was hilarious and he hasn't had a problem with it since.

p.s. If you have a lefty, just make sure you tell him that his writing hand only remembers the letter B - the letter it learned first - hands have a short memory like that.  OR if you know sign language, (and know that the letter b is different) tell him his writing hand is too busy, and he should ask his other hand, which should be on the desk anyway, holding the paper still.

self inflicted wounds

Its a sad and kind of embarrassing thing, but most of the time when one of our kids is having some kind of problem, I can trace the it back to myself.  For the first three years ALL of their misbehavior comes from the examples they see, after that they begin to make some of it up on their own, but very little.  It isn't until around school age that they start being able to deliberately misbehave. (Have I warned you about seven-year-olds?)  But even so, I can usually find the source, and it is always a little to close to home.

Like a couple of months back, we were having a problem with Lil' girl sleeping through the night in her own bed.  This hadn't been a problem for a while, but suddenly she was climbing into our bed at all hours of the night because she wanted to cuddle with mommy.  She'd fall back asleep pretty quickly - usually by lying on my face.  But if I tried to send her back to her bed too quickly she would scream and wake up her little sister.  This is a real problem for us.  We can have Sleepy Mommy or we can have Happy Mommy, also known as Nice Mommy, but we can't have both.

I had no idea what to do.  But the longer I thought about it (and prayed about it, always pray about it) I realized what had changed.

She was transitioning out of everyday naps.  I would put her in her bed for quiet and reading time and she was content to read for an hour or fall asleep - either one was fine with me as long as I got a few minutes to do the dishes, or sleep (usually sleep.)  But when it got to the point that she wasn't napping at all anymore, it kept the baby awake.  So I'd let her read books on my bed and I'd lay down by her.  After a few weeks of napping together she started getting into our bed every night.   Ah Ha!  Because sleeping with Mommy in the daytime was so much fun, sleeping with Mommy at night would be fun too.

Also, she was potty training and sleeping more lightly as she was learning how to wake herself up when she needed to use the bathroom.

Solution:  Quiet time on the couch with her books.  After about a week we were back to our regular sleeping routine and life is OK again.

It surprised me that I didn't realize that I had been creating this problem for myself.  But I think that most of my parenting "wounds" are self-inflicted.

Not long after this we were working on another problem.  The baby can talk a little.  She can say several words, and sign several more.  So every time she came to me and held out her arms to be picked up and screamed, I would remind her to talk.  "Say, UP.  UP.  Stop yelling, you can talk."  We were making a little progress - yelling goes down noticeably when talking gets you what you want faster.

Then one morning she woke up around 5am and was just babbling in her crib, happy as could be.  I lay in bed and thought "There is no way I am getting out of bed at 5:00 if she is content to stay in her crib."  She wasn't even being loud enough to wake her sister.  As I drifted back to sleep I realized that she was saying: "up up up up."  I knew that if I don't respond it would go against that whole "talk, don't scream" rule I'd been trying to make.

Whatever. At 5am I am not coming to get you unless you scream.  zzzzzzzzz

Spring Break

So I know there are a lot of moms who dread having their kids out of school for an extended period of time, but I LOVE it.  In fact, I kind of hate sending them to school at all.  I know that it is the right thing for them and all of us right now, and they love school - so don't tell them that it is a hassle, because my resolve isn't that good.  It wouldn't take much whining/complaining for me to let them stay home.  

I know we probably should have done all kinds of educational, fun, memorable things while we had the extra time, but mostly we just hung around at home.  

Here are a few of my highlights:

• Sleeping in.  I can count on one hand the number of times my oldest has slept past 7 o'clock since he was six-months-old.  Occasionally the younger ones sleep until 8, but not often.  So they didn't actually sleep, but they didn't need me to get them breakfast or find clean school pants, so they went downstairs and read books to each other for an hour.  When I wandered downstairs at 7:45, they were coloring pictures to give to their stuffed cats.  

• Built-in friends.  By the time we finished breakfast on the first day my oldest was sitting on the heater in the kitchen and the second was sitting on the heater in the living room.  Baby Cakes ran back and forth from each room, laughing and waving her arms - SOO excited that the boys were staying home to play with her. She likes them better than she likes me.

Snack time out of kitty dishes.  Have I mentioned all my children are obsessed with cats?  It's bizarre.

• The help.  OH, the help!  Just when I get them trained really well and they are old enough to follow complicated directions, I have to send them away.  Last week I got to shut the door when I went to the bathroom, because the boys can keep a small child entertained; I got all the laundry done, because the boys sorted and carried baskets down to the laundry room for me (this gets increasingly more complicated as the belly gets bigger and the baby can't stand me walking out of the room without her); I got all the games sorted through, because the boys knew where all the pieces went.  AND, the major accomplishment, we re-arranged the bed rooms and the toy room and got the house cleaned.  It was awesome.  

So this week when school started again was sad for us girls who had to stay home without them.  Lil' girl asked for her brothers every day and the baby didn't really start smiling until around 2:30 in the afternoons. (Coincidentally, when we walk over to the school to pick up the boys.)  

p.s.  Part of the awesomeness that was Spring Break is due to my most genius parenting idea yet:  The kids can earn a ticket for 15 minutes of computer time by reading three books to one of their siblings.  So they are forever asking each other if they can read stories, and then inviting the other one to watch while they play computer games.  I have no idea why it is fun to watch someone else play the computer, but my kids love it. They spend most of their time at pbskids.org, coolmath.com, or playing this Portal/Mario mashup that Husband found.  

Baby hungry

In which you realize that I am actually crazy and you have nothing in common with me.

You know how sometimes you can listen to a person talking and know all the words they are using and still have no idea what they are talking about?  That is the way I feel about the phrase "baby hungry." I understand what someone means when they say that they are going through a phase where they really want to have a baby and they would love to hold a baby, but I can't say that I personally know the feeling.


I mean the part about it being a phase.  Or the idea that wanting a baby makes it a good time to have one.

See, I LOVE babies.  Misshapen heads, pimply skin, weird red marks on their eyes, can't do anything but cry, newborns.  This isn't normal.  I've only ever met one other mom who feels the way I do.  Of course, other moms love their children, but most everyone that I've talked to takes three to six months before they actually enjoy their babies.   I wish we talked about this more as mothers, but it seems a little taboo.  There is a great article here that sums up how most people that I've talked to feel.

I think part of this comes from the fact that (around here) fewer people are having babies, and people are just exposed to them less.  So they are not exactly prepared with what to expect.  Movies and TV aren't a good substitute, since you can't actually put a week-old baby on camera for long enough to shoot a scene, let alone an entire sitcom.So sometimes mothers are surprised that their newborn is actually kind of freaky-looking and requires more maintenance than anything they've ever imagined.  (You should pause here and read this post from Rants From Mommyland where they very accurately call newborns "grimacing plucked chickens")

 Me, well. . . I'm special.  I've always had a thing for babies (this does not apply to baby animals of any kind).  One of my earliest memories is repeatedly running to my mom because my baby doll wasn't staying wrapped in her blanket right.  I was too small to do it myself, but I knew there was a right way to wrap a baby.   I was two.

When I was expecting our first I read in one of my books that you should get the nurses to teach you how to swaddle the baby before you leave the hospital - since they are experts, and babies like it so much. I was expecting to find some new trick, and then realized that they were just wrapping the baby the "right" way.

 I can't think of a day in my life, including high school, the day I was married, or the day I delivered any of my children that I would have declined if you had offered to give me a baby.  I am logical enough to know that there have been times when I shouldn't have a baby, and many other people waiting for a baby that could provide a better home than I could; but if you had insisted - yes, in a heartbeat, I would take care of a baby.

The thing is, there is a huge, HUGE difference between a baby at six days and six weeks and six months, but we call them all "babies." There is nothing wrong with liking one stage more than another, and really hating some stages.  Having a newborn feels like being directly deposited into your own personal hell sometimes - even for me, and I like newborns.

We've romanticized the "mother-child" bond so much that a lot of moms feel that they'be failed if they don't spend the first few minutes of their child's life staring with wonder into her eyes and forming a magical connection that will carry through her entire life.  I've been through it four times and I've only felt that way once, and it wasn't with the first.  It doesn't make me a bad mom.  It doesn't mean that I love that child any more than the others.  It means that I was emotionally ready for it at that moment that one time.  There isn't one moment to bond with your child that defines your entire relationship.  A relationship is built on millions of those moments - spread over a lifetime.  If you don't get them in the first six months, don't worry.  They will come.  I'm looking forward to many more of those moments.  Maybe when he turns 50 and I'm 70-something our eyes will connect through two pair of thick bi-focal lenses, and we'll just know, we were meant to be a family.




Which brings us to one of the strangest videos I've ever seen.  This is a robot baby, meant to be used in film making, since it is so difficult to use a real baby.



Normal people are just creeped out.  My first thought was "Somebody needs to pick that baby up.  He's crying!  Where is his robot mommy?" and I started to cry.

See? Crazy person.

'Male baby hunger is not as great as women's – few have to make such a stark choice between reproduction and professional success. Baby peckishness, perhaps.'  THE OBSERVER 28TH APRIL 2002

Manling

 So I was rubbing lotion on my son's back the other day and I noticed how broad his shoulders are getting, especially compared with his narrow waist.  I know that it is mostly just because he is so tall and skinny and growing so quickly.  But just for a moment, he wasn't my little boy anymore - he was almost a man.  No longer needing me to take care of him or tell him what to do.

It was kind of terrifying, actually.  I felt like my time with him is slipping away so fast.  Soon, I won't be his favorite person anymore.  Truthfully, I'm not his favorite person most of the time now.  Seven-year-olds, well, they're special.  In my mind seven is the new three (ie: the age that is surprisingly difficult and I don't know what to do.) (For more on three-year-olds, go here and here.)

Most cultures have some kind of coming-of-age ceremony around the 7-8-9 ages.  Kids are given more responsibility and privelages.  As I watch my son, I can really see why.  His whole way of thinking is changing.

Most of the development in middle childhood is mental and emotional, the super-fast physical development of the toddler years has slacked off dramatically, deceiving you into thinking maybe things will calm down a little.  Since you can't see the mental development, it may catch you off guard, but trust me, you won't miss anything.  In the infant/toddler years you can go out of town for a week and completely miss a whole stage - not so in middle childhood.  The stages come on gradually and linger and linger and linger - you'll KNOW.

He is developing empathy, which is HUGE.  Empathy means friendships are deeper and more complicated, games and sports are more involved, he can lie intentionally and accurately, he can manipulate.  He can also be very sweet and understanding.  He has a serious fixation with justice and fairness - though fair is defined pretty narrowly as "equal."  Which means we can have fun conversations like this:

Him:  "It isn't FAIR that I have homework and Lil' girl doesn't."
Me: "She's two.  You didn't have homework when you were two."
Him: "So.  It still isn't fair."
Me: "Well, you're just going to have to get over that."
Him: "Well, you're going to have to get over SAYING that."
(Oh and have I mentioned the ATTITUDE?)

There are also a whole vocabulary of grunts and humphs and eye rolls and foot stomps to let me know his displeasure.

The anger is the hardest for me to handle, but also the best thing going on with him right now.  I'll try not to lecture you too much on child-development.  He is getting a lot more control over his emotions, and is able to distract himself from things that are distressing.  So the talking back, foot stomping, ect, are actually replacement behaviors for crying and whining; giving him a little distance and control over the situation.  It's good.  It's also annoying.

All of this is good, and it means that his views on morality can shift from "This is wrong because I will be punished for it." to "This is wrong because it could hurt someone else."

We're Latter-Day Saints, which means that if he chooses, he can be baptized after he turns eight.  We believe that at eight a child can be accountable for his own actions - before this any misbehavior or sin were the direct responsibility of the parent (which is scary).  But at eight, he can make his first covenant with God, and begin to decide what kind of person he wants to be for the rest of his life.  We also believe that any child who dies before eight immediatly goes to heaven, after that, they will be judged on their choices.  But again, the parents are responsible to teach them how to make good choices, and we will be accountable before God for how we taught (and showed good examples to) our children.  So no pressure.

Also, before eight, Satan is not allowed to tempt a child - all misbehavior is a result of the examples children have seen.  After eight, they can start coming up with ideas on their own.

As part of his baptism, he will also recieve a special blessing, the option of the constant guide of the Holy Ghost to help him make good choices.  Every human being has the Holy Ghost to guide them - we usually call it a conscience.  But it comes and goes, and bothers us less the more we ignore it.  But with the "Gift of the Holy Ghost" you can be guided through ALL your choices in life.  Which is cool, when you are willing to always do what is right, which is hard.

Whew!  We're done with Sunday School (for now).  So I'm reminding myself of this as I watch him ignore me and start making decisions simply because HE wants to and not because I tell him to.  (Gee, I wonder where he sees that.)  Now is a good time for him to want to be independant and I need to respect that, even when it is annoying or makes my life more complicated.

The more I pray about what to do, the more the answers come that I shouldn't do anything.  I shouldn't lecture, shouldn't remind.  HE KNOWS.  I just need to let him figure it out.  Do you know how hard that is?  Inaction is not a parenting skill of mine.  But he has been taught right from wrong, and I just need to let the natural consequences take their course.  (Most of the time.)


Also, most of my discipline stratagies have been phazed out now.  You don't really send a seven-year-old to "time out."  I occasionally sent him to his room, but that is more so that both of us can cool off.  See, he usually hides candy in his pockets and a book in his bed - so sending him to his room is not really a punishment.  I do threaten to take away privelages.  But he is most attached to his books, and it is hard for me to want to take those away from him.  "You can't read!" kind of runs counter to our entire parenting philosophy.   Again, natural consequences.  You don't clean up your toys = mom cleans up your toys and you can't find them (no wonder they check the garbage).  And I really can't punish him for attitude.  As annoying as I find it, annoying isn't a punishable offense at our house.  Danger and destruction are pretty much the only things that are.  It's a good thing too - I would be sent to time out regularly based solely on the music I like that no-one else does.

So I'm doing what I always do.  I pray.  A lot.  I highly recomend praying no matter what your religious affiliation is.  Especially as a parent.  And I mean more than meditating.  It really helps me to talk through everything I'm thinking with God (he never repeats what I say to anyone).  After I've explained everything that I'm feeling I'm able to formulate specific questions about what is going on.  Most of the time I already have the answers.  Once I boil down my issues to a specific question, I know how to begin my search for answers.  Most of the time all I need from God is the peace to keep going.  And that He has in abundance.

How to Potty Train your Toddler in One Day

BAAA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, I'm sorry.  Did you think I was serious?

This post may sound a bit like advice.  And I love to give advice, but I try not to unless someone asks - so that I don't sound like a know-it-all, which I totally AM, but that is beside the point.

I started writing this post in my head a couple of months ago when I started potty training our third child.  I kind of thought I was an expert on this stuff - I mean, I've personally potty trained two and a half children.  Plus, many, many years ago - when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I didn't have stretch marks - I worked in the two-year-old classroom at a day-care center.  The three-year-old room didn't have diaper changing facilities, so the kids had to be potty trained by their third birthday (no pressure).  I was assistant potty-training up to 14 kids at a time.

When Lil' Girl was ready to start her adventure, I figured it would be no big deal.  Yawn, I've seen it all before, I'm way too experienced to be frazzled by any of this anymore.

HA!

So this is my list of reminders to myself about some of the tricks I've re-learned.  I figured they might be helpful to someone else as well.

•  Know that you are in for the long haul.  A lot of books will tell you that you can train your child in one day, or that your child can be trained at six-months-old.  That is impossible.  You can transition from diapers to underwear in one day - but to me, that isn't the same thing.   To me, a child is not potty trained until she is completely potty trained.  In other words, I don't have to deal with her crap anymore.  (I get that as a mom, dealing with kid's crap is kind of my job, but at least it doesn't have to be figurative AND literal.)  So if I still have to go with her to help with the arranging of clothes or wiping or even turning on the water to wash hands, we aren't done.  

• Don't be too quick to buy and use underwear.  This is actually one of the last steps.  A lot of "experts" (the ones who are sponsored by children's underwear companies) will tell you to buy cute underwear with your child's favorite character on it to get her excited about the whole process, and then hope that she will feel so bad about soiling them.  I think this is a bad idea for a couple of reasons.  It's expensive and you're going to need a ton to start out with, and you don't want your kid to feel bad about accidents.  They're accidents.  Buy a huge package of generic underwear to start with.  If your child is really resisting, consider upgrading to the fairy/princess/robot/superhero kind.  I goofed on this one this time.  Lil' Girl loved her new underwear so much she sneaked out of her bed at naptime and put every single pair of underwear she owned in bed with her.  Then she fell asleep and wet the bed.  And had to wear a diaper while I did laundry.  MOMMY FAIL.

• The potty chair.  I'm not a fan.  Mostly because I don't need ANOTHER toilet to clean.  If possible, teach your kid to use the facilities he will be using for the rest of his life.  This is also good because when you are traveling, the less stuff you have to cart around the better.  Again, I didn't do it that way this time.  Because Lil' Girl is smaller and younger than her brothers were when they started, and it is hard to relax enough to "go" if you are about to fall "in."  So they can be useful.  But you may not want to fork out the money for one until you are sure you need it.  Also, the simpler, the better, because you are going to have to clean the whole thing.

• The words.  You better get comfortable using potty words casually and sometimes in public.  Your child needs words for all of the body parts involved, the equipment used and the results produced.  Please teach your child real words, not made up ones.  If you don't, kids like mine come home from school no longer wanting to say penis, because the words his friends use are much funnier.  (Thanks a lot.)  If you must use euphemisms please keep a couple of things in mind:
• I will make fun of you in my head for not being able to say vagina.
• Now is not the time to get creative.  Maker sure that your made-up words are at least standard issue.  Eventually she may have to ask the babysitter or her best friend's mom where the bathroom is.  It is best if other people actually understand what your child is trying to say.  
• Also, be aware that the words have power.  We need words to express ourselves, even if only to ourselves.  Please, please, please don't make your child feel ashamed or inferior about things that are a natural process in life. 

•  Know the other concepts your child has to learn. Learning to use the toilet is actually a fairly complicated process.  It is more than just paying attention to your body.  Your kid needs to know words and concepts for before, during and after; up and down; opened and closed; front and back.  She has to be able to do buttons and snaps (or only wear things with elastic waists) push a stepstool around or find her potty chair.  

• Buy Clorox Wipes!

• Rewards.  Again, not a fan.  The whole point is to be able to phase these out, so the sticker/candy/toy can't be the only reason your child will use the bathroom.  Also, they just didn't work for my kids - except when it made the non-potty-training children jealous, which created a whole new set of issues.

• Consider your child's personality.  Not everything works for every child, so go ahead and read whichever gook you want to, and then be prepared to modify everything