Return to Zero

I sat down to watch Return to Zero with my husband--the first Lifetime movie in history I think he's ever been willing to watch with me. Because this one is about stillbirth. This one tells our story, at least, in some small part.

The words "based on a true story" flashed across the screen at the beginning, and I thought, yes. Yes. Based on a lot of true stories. A lot of devastating, heartbreaking, horrible, endlessly sad true stories.

And then I'm falling. Remembering. Lost in the experience all over again. The fear, the knowing yet not knowing, the weight of the loss, so sudden and violent. It rips out your insides in one fell swoop.

No heartbeat.

No heartbeat.

Sorry, spoiler. The baby dies.

I sat through all two and a half hours of it and I don't think I stopped crying. Minnie Driver captured that empty, hollow feeling completely. They ask, "Did the baby have a name," and I felt that hesitation--as if naming him made it final. 

I am naming a dead child.

I know what that's like.

And Paul Adelstein does an amazing job as the father--burying himself in doing something, anything. That helpless, lost feeling of a man without a direction. His honest portrayal of loss is poignant and painful to watch.

But it is all very, very real.

I hope everyone watches this movie. Not because it's an amazing piece of cinematic genius. This is a Lifetime movie we're talking about. But it's raw, it's emotional, and it shows stillbirth like it really is, for the most part.

We're all different, of course. Not everyone handles things the same way. But we all remember the moments we have in common.

We all remember the moment we found out. The first time we saw our dead baby. The last time.

We all remember that person who said, "Everything happens for a reason." We all remember the worst, most unhelpful thing someone said to us, like my sister, who said, "Dad got to hold the baby first up in heaven!" Or the awful, "Be grateful for the children you already have."

We all remember when our milk came in to feed a baby that wouldn't ever need it. We all remember the first time we had to face a pregnant woman afterward. We all remember holding a living baby at some point after holding our dead one. We all remember pretending, putting on a happy face, sinking into depression in the meantime, drowning our sorrows in our nearest comfort of choice.

We all remember, because we can't forget.

The most beautiful thing about this movie is its honesty.

I know it isn't easy to face the horrible reality of infant loss, even from the outside, but for many, many families, it is a reality they can't escape. They live it every single day, with every breath, until they die. It doesn't go away. It's not something you move on from or move past.

That's why I think Return to Zero is worth watching. Yes, there is (spoiler alert!) a rainbow after the storm. There is another baby. But that baby doesn't ever fill the hole in your heart. It doesn't change things. You're still the mother--or father--of a dead baby. Forever.

For baby loss mamas afraid to feel it all again--watch it anyway. It's beautiful. It's cleansing. It's like turning to that first mama you discovered had also experienced a loss, seeing the same look in her eyes, and knowing--she understood your pain. Finally, finally. Someone understands. It's that feeling, all over again. Being heard, being felt, being witnessed.

For people who have never experienced a loss like it and are afraid to think about it--watch it anyway. It will break open your heart, it will leave you raw but your perspective completely changed. You can't know the pain of that loss--but you can empathize, and that is your best gift to the walking wounded. I have been lucky enough to know women in my life who can do just that, who took time to understand, even if they couldn't imagine the unimaginable.

So thank you to Sean Hanish and his lovely wife, Kiley, for bringing their story to life for the rest of us. Your son, Norbert, was a gift to you, and now to all of us. The world. Thank you for sharing him. He will always be remembered.