Mr Tea is peeing in a cuppa

The Guardian's resident food equipment blogger, Rhik Samadder, has been suffering for our entertainment for a couple of months now, trying out all sorts of horrific kitchen gadgets and the food produced therefrom...

There's Mr Tea, quietly and horrifically peeing into your cup of brewed goodness...

There's Garlic Zoom, a stagecoach of garlic chopping fun...

And most horribly the Egg Master, creator of tubular eggs...

The new spin on food

I appreciate my food with a side of cheek.

That's why I'm enjoying Deadspin's epicurean offshoot, Foodspin. 

They've got chucklesome columns like Which animals are the worst to eat morally?

Food-related columns like their thoughts about new LiquiGlide-coated bottles.

And a bunch of recipe columns with a healthy dosing of vulgarity and snark like how to roast a chicken, make arrabbiata sauce, and cook lobster tails.

Be warned that the site is slightly NSFW, but it's at least entertaining.

That's just, like, your opinion, man.

Channel 9's Meal Madness took sixty-four Cincinnati-area restaurants and pitted them against each other to find the most popular restaurant in the area.

And they got it probably right.

But if they were going for the best restaurant, they got it most certainly wrong.

Let's break the restaurants into groups...

Places I've been and love...

• Senate - getting knocked out by Taste of Belgium in round 2 is a crime.
• Terry's Turf Club - A 1st-round loser? Tragedy
• Knotty Pine on the Bayou - At least this one made it to the final four.
• Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse - Way, way better than Embers which knocked it out.
• Eli's BBQ - Another crime that it lost in the 1st round.
• Bakersfield - At least it lost to Knotty Pine. I'm okay with that.
• Taqueria Mercado - I wonder if this is the one in Fairfield (my preference) or the one downtown.

Places I've been and think were pretty good...

• Nicola's
• Brown Dog Cafe
• Carlo & Johnny's
• Taste of Belgium
• Embers
• Nicholson's
• Boca
• Parker's Blue Ash
• Moerlein Lager House
• Celestial
• Mecklenburg Gardens
• The Precinct
• The Eagle

Places I've been and thought were just okay...

• A Tavola
• York Street Cafe
• Montgomery Inn (the winner)
• Anchor OTR 
• Jag's
• Zip's
• Primavista
• Relish Modern Tapas
• Jean Robert's Table
• Lavomatic

Places I haven't been and can't really rank...

• Meritage
• Bouquet
• Jimmy G's
• Dancing Wasabi
• Tony's
• Otto's
• Marribelle's
• Orchids at Palms Court
• Virgil's Cafe
• Bella Luna
• Tom + Chee
• Local 127
• Melt
• La Poste
• Oriental Wok
• Slung
• Dee Felice
• The Palace
• Andy's Mediterannean
• Abigail Street
• Myra's Dionysus
• Trio
• Sotto
• The Rookwood
• Pho Lang Thang
• Nada
• Zula
• Teller's
• Bistro Grace
• Buz
• Nectar
• Quarter Bistro...man, I should get out more. That's a far-too-long list.

Better Baking Through Science

Last quarter, one of my students turned in an extra credit assignment in which she had made chocolate chip cookies and done a little research to explain the chemistry that went on while the cookies baked.

She brought in the cookies for the class, and they certainly weren't bad. They weren't the best I'd ever had, but they were cookies I didn't have to make myself. I'm not one to look a gift cookie in the mouth.

The best part of the project, though, was the two resources to which she pointed me. The first is a video from Ted-ED that explains a lot of the science involved as dough turns into cookie.



The second is from SeriousEats and goes through variable by variable, eventually finding what they say is the best recipe around. The author explores the macroscopic results that all twenty-one change make and the science involved.

I need to do some baking because their final results - with a little sprinkle of salt on top - look outstanding.

I wish I could link you to the Cooks Illustrated recipe, because it's got some interesting takes (browned butter, one whole egg + one yolk, extra brown sugar). Sadly, though, it's behind a paywall. If you're willing to pay, Cooks Illustrated is a fun site from tip to tail.

Who goes to Jungle Jim's?

I love Jungle Jim's grocery store in Fairfield.

It's easily one of the top attractions in all of Cincinnati, an absolute must-see for any out-of-town visitors. There's an acre of produce, fresh fish, seeming miles of imported foods, cheese as big as a small car, beer tasting, a great deli and bakery, and a whole bunch more.

It's awesome.

If anyone loves the Jungle more than I do, though, it's The Girl. She spends a couple of hours there every Sunday morning. She bakes Christmas cookies for her friends at the fish counter, in the kitchen goods area, and behind the produce section. She loves, loves, loves Jungle Jim's.

So it makes sense that she'd appear in the updated version of The Jungle Jim Story. Check her out above at 7:35. She's the one in the short, brown hair and the teal, 3/4-sleeve baseball shirt working her way through the produce section.

I think I threw up in my mouth a little...

Calen sent me a link to a recipe that she got sent her from Epicurious: feta-stuffed watermelon blocks.

It would be tough for a recipe to contain ingredients that I found more repulsive, but let's see what we can do to change that.

Let's take the basil and replace it with anise seed, maybe some tarragon.

Now, chop up some olives and mix 'em in with the feta, then restuff the watermelon cubes.

I challenge anybody to come up with a recipe that has more stuff I find gross. Here's a working list...

• olives
• feta cheese
• watermelon
• in fact, most tropical fruit flavors (papaya, mango, coconut)
• and most melons (cantaloupe, honeydew)
• cucumbers
• anise & licorice
• broccoli
• cauliflower

And saying "an olive-feta-watermelon-papaya-mango-coconut-cantaloupe-honeydew-cucumber-anise-broccoli-cauliflower smoothie" doesn't count.

SubZero was so cool!

On one of my many travels this summer, I was lucky enough to get to visit SubZero, an ice cream store that makes their ice cream to-order with big squirts of liquid nitrogen.

The menu was a bit daunting with options on top of options:

• 5 six cream bases (premium, lowfat, custard, yogurt, non-dairy, soy/rice)
• 47 flavors (strawberry, chocolate, vanilla...citric acid, watermelon, Mt Dew, cotton candy...)
• 33 mix-ins (berries, chocolate flakes, Andes mints, mangoes, bubblegum...)
• various consistencies from soft serve to hard frozen

 ...but I managed to make a few choices and get to the sweet treat. Turns out the quick-freezing action of liquid nitrogen makes for a very smooth ice cream because the ice crystals never have a chance to grow large and make for grainy ice cream. The on-demand production lets them have all the options for everybody to order.

And it turns out it makes outstanding ice cream...with a show.

It's a blast. Give it a try if you're ever in the area. The closest to me (where I am in Cincinnati) is in downtown Cincinnati.


 Plus they do some pretty cool-looking educational outreach...

The joke is so obvious he already made it himself

...but I like steak...

I can't imagine eating this concoction of balanced nutritional...um...nutritional slime.

Upon further clicking, though, I can see that it appears the inventor of - I swear he's calling it this - Soylent actually has done some research into the nutritional needs of himself.

The original post - titled "How I Stopped Eating Food" - goes through the reasoning for the 'scientist' attempting the experiment upon himself. Seriously, he's experimenting on himself and eating nothing but largely colorless, tasteless, nutritional slime for thirty days. In a second post the 'scientist' goes through the exact nutritional contents of the Soylent and asks for some volunteers to join him in his experiments. After two months of a 92% Soylent diet, Rob gave us a second check-in and seems pretty happy.

Anybody interested in shifting to an all-gruel diet?

A hot lunch

First there was Heater Meal - the meal that heats itself.



Those folks have now expanded to offer big soup/coffee/tea/hot chocolate kits and a dozen different entree or breakfast options. (You can learn more here. They're made a couple of miles from my school.)

Then there was the self-heating coffee can from Hillside Coffee...



And now there's Christmas Dinner in a Can from the Hot Can people (one of their many varieties, natch).

I've had the Heater Meals and the self-heating coffee, but I haven't had anything from Hot Can...yet.

Anybody wanna find me some?

Oh, and if you've been counting, yes, this is post #3000. Congrats to me...and to those of you who've been here since the beginning.

100 foods to eat before I die

Here's how I'm doing so far...

1. Abalone
2. Absinthe
3. Alligator
4. Baba Ghanoush
5. Bagel & Lox
6. Baklava
7. BBQ Ribs8. Bellini
9. Birds Nest Soup
10. Biscuits & Gravy - the best come from The Girl
11. Black Pudding - Scotland, whatya expect?
12. Black Truffle
13. Borscht
14. Calamari
15. Carp
16. Caviar
17. Cheese Fondue18. Chicken & Waffles
19. Chicken Tikka Masala
20. Chile Relleno 
21. Chitlins
22. Churros - the best were at Xoco in Chciago
23. Clam Chowder
24. Cognac
25. Crab Cakes26. Crickets
27. Currywurst
28. Dandelion Wine
29. Dulce De Leche30. Durian
31. Eel
32. Eggs Benedict
33. Fish Tacos - outstanding in Madison, WI a few summers back
34. Foie Gras
35. Fresh Spring Rolls
36. Fried Catfish37. Fried Green Tomatoes
38. Fried Plantain
39. Frito Pie
40. Frogs' Legs - I don't remember them well, but I know I had them at the Knotty Pine.
41. Fugu
42. Funnel Cake - always awesome but just with powdered sugar...who needs the fruit snot? not me
43. Gazpacho
44. Goat
45. Goat's Milk
46. Goulash
47. Gumbo
48. Haggis - had it twice in Scotland - once fancy and once deep fried at a chip shop, dug 'em both
49. Head Cheese
50. Heirloom Tomatoes
51. Honeycomb
52. Hostess Fruit Pie - gimme the peach, especially
53. Huevos Rancheros
54. Jerk Chicken55. Kangaroo
56. Key Lime Pie - a favorite around the house...one of my favorite desserts
57. Kobe Beef
58. Lassi
59. Lobster - a treat around The Homestead
60. Mimosa
61. Moon Pie62. Morel Mushrooms
63. Nettle Tea
64. Octopus - remind me to tell you the story of my Christmas Eve dinner in Rome
65. Oxtail Soup
66. Paella
67. Paneer
68. Pastrami on Rye
69. Pavlova
70. Phaal
71. Philly Cheese Steak72. Pho
73. Pineapple &; Cottage Cheese
74. Pistachio Ice Cream
75. Po' Boy
76. Pocky
77. Polenta - meh
78. Prickly Pear
79. Rabbit Stew
80. Raw Oysters
81. Root Beer Float
82. S'mores
83. Sauerkraut - tried it, didn't like it
84. Sea Urchin
85. Shark
86. Snail
87. Snake
88. Soft Shell Crab - loved it the one time I had it fancy, almost threw up when I had it low class
89. Som Tam
90. Spaetzle
91. Spam92. Squirrel
93. Steak Tartare
94. Sweet Potato Fries - tough to get 'em crispy, too much sugar
95. Sweetbreads
96. Tom Yum
97. Umeboshi
98. Venison
99. Wasabi Peas - didn't like 'em
100. Zucchini Flowers

Only 37 taken care of...the rest need to be tried, but some of them kind of repulse me. Snails!?!? Sea urchin?!?!

Serious eats

The Serious Eats blog is a bit of a Frankenstein of food blogs. The blog's makers have apparently sewn together parts of a food geek blog, a food travel blog, a fast food trick blog, trash food review, and a straight-up cooking blog and ended up with something with posts appealing to just about every cross section of epicurean interests.

Here are a few of my favorite posts from their melange...

• Check out the winners of our 2012 Pi Day challenge (geek)
• The $1 poor man's Big Mac: worth it? (fast food)
• My favorite cooking hacks (geek)
• Remember Peepshi? (geek)
• Easter Basket 2012: A few bad eggs (trash review)
• Pie of the Week: Chess Pie (recipe)
• Cadbury Creme Scrambled Eggs (geek)
• Doughnut Style Guide (definitions, I guess)
• Key lime bars (recipe)
• 6 off-menu dessert mash-ups at McDonald's (fast food)
• We try every cheesecake at the cheesecake factory (fast food, kind of)

Chicken dinner...

Look who's got a $25 Busken's gift certificate (and apparently a $25 Graeter's gift certificate, too) coming to him.

Thank you, WineMeDineMe!

I've said it before (before I was a winner), and I'll say it again - anybody in Cincy should be checking Julie's blog.

For two of you...

I have these two works friends who seem to have some sort of affection for Nutella. I thought I'd share this Christmas idea with them in case they happen to wander through these parts.

Fried Cereal!

Clearly, this need to be made.

I'm totally making this over the break.



Thank you, Charles Phoenix.

Well, hello, Harold...

The last meal project

The last meal project takes a look at the last meals of various people put to death in the United States over the past twenty-plus years and intersperses their photos and meal choices with commentary about the death penalty.

More info about last meals can be found at these websites...

• Last meal requests by notable prisoners
• Last meals of death row inmates beautifully recreated
• Can a prisoner request anything for his last meal?
• Famous death row last meals
• Dead Man Eating Weblog

A Revelation

Down in Houston this past week, I tried a snack bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos Limon (that's 'with lime').

They're phenomenal.

Outstanding.

Find some.

I'm gonna see if Jungle Jim's can start carrying them.

If not, I may have to start driving down and back, opening up my own corner stand.

TV Gourmet

Some people just need something to do with their time.

For example, there's Josh and Nadia who have done two editions of TV Gourmet in which they make and eat  foods found on television. In the first edition, for example, they went for the Cheesy Blasters from 30 Rock - a hotdog stuffed with jack cheese and folded inside a pizza - and milk steak - steak cooked on a skillet with milk, honey, and jelly beans - from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

In round two, then, the same two fools returned to try a good morning burger - burger + egg + ham + bacon - from The Simpsons and Rachel's trifle from Friends.

I'm glad somebody else did it so I don't have to.

Epic Meal Parody

Time is tight...more content coming another day...

Thanks, DailyWh.at

Eatin' meatless on the cheap

I've mentioned to The Girl that I would like to occasionally eat a meatless meal, something that's more environmentally friendly than partaking of the awesomness of a thick, juicy, large-carbon-footprint strip steak. She's good to me, so she tries to accommodate my meal requests in as much as she feels like it. So, Monday and Tuesday were meatless meals.

Turns out that the economic footprint of the meals was already pretty frickin' small - about $1.50 for eight of these pupusas which made for two meals for each of us. We added a salad for a pretty healthy, cheap, meatless meal.

The source of the recipe is from Vegetarian Times's April/May, 2011 issue. I would link to the recipe, but their website stinks like tofu-fish...

Pupusas
Serves 8

•  4 cups masa harina, such as Maseca
• 2 tsp. ground cumin
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 cup vegetarian refried black beans
• 1/2 cup crumbled Cotija cheese
• 8 tsp. vegetable oil

1. Combine masa harina, cumin, baking powder, and salt in bowl.
2. Stir in 2 cups warm water, adding more, if needed, to form soft dough.
3. Cover, and let stand 30 minutes.
4. Line baking sheet with wax paper. Roll dough into 16 balls. Make indentations in centers; fill 8 balls with 1 Tbs. refried beans. Fill remaining 8 balls with 1 Tbs. cheese. Fold edges over fillings and roll into balls once more. Press into 4-inch disks. Place on prepared baking sheet.
5. Heat 2 tsp. oil in skillet over medium-high heat. Add 4 pupusas at a time to skillet; cook 5-6 minutes, turning once.

The Girl does cotton to refried beans, so she just mashed up some black beans that she'd made earlier in the day. She also didn't do some with cheese and some with beans. They just got mixed into one filling and used in every pupusa.

The beans, themselves, are also dirt cheap and phenomenally tasty.

Black beans
makes a crapload

• ~8 cups water
• 2 lbs black beans
• onion, finely diced
• 2 jalapenos
• dried chili peppers
• 2 tsp. salt

1. Add all ingredients but salt to pot. Bring to boil; simmer for 1 hour. Do not stir.
2. Add in salt; stir gently. Simmer 1 hour.

The beans make for a great side dish (especially with a little sour cream and salsa stirred in) or as an ingredient in burritos or enchiladas or whatever.

 Neither of the photos today are mine. The first is from Fat-Free Vegan, and the second is from The Wahsingtonian.