Oh, why can't she just steadily gain weight. Peanut gained the minimum amount required last week, but over the last 6 days she only gained 1.4 oz. I think the minimum for a 6 day period would be 3 oz. I'm not sure b/c I haven't been able to talk to the dr about it.
My milk supply is definitely down. I think it's a combination of stretching out feedings, pumping less, and she is just not big enough to suck vigorously to stimulate the breast enough. It doesn't help that I am in a constant state of stress over whether or not she will get enough from my breast. I had a breast reduction 10 years ago. We've been amazed at how good my production has been, but that was with 3 hour feedings and pumping after nearly every feeding. I don't know what the dr is going to say, but my plan is to go back to 3 hour feedings around the clock and to pump more times per day. I won't say how many pumpings...let's just say as many as I can stand.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Growing...
Hallelujah! Yesterday at her doctor's appointment her weight was up to 5 lbs 3.5 oz. What a good big girl! The pediatrician took us off of the hellish NICU feeding schedule (hear me screaming for joy). We now breast feed on demand with one formula supplement feeding in the evening. I will pump for only that feeding. Our only limitation is not to let her go more than 4 hours without eating. Last night she went 2 four hour stretches so I was able to get some really good sleep. It was bliss
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Baby Girl is here!
Born October 22, 2009 at 1:04 pm. 4 lbs 8 oz 18 1/2 inches long
She was not able to maintain her temperature because she was so small and had no fat to keep her warm. She spent 7 days in the NICU, but we brought her home on Thursday afternoon. She was up to 4 lbs 15 oz just before we brought her home.
We're exhausted. She's on a strict 3 hour feeding schedule which includes breastfeeding and then adding a formula supplement. I also pump at almost every feeding.
We go to the pediatrician on Tuesday. Can't wait to see how much weight she's put on.
She was not able to maintain her temperature because she was so small and had no fat to keep her warm. She spent 7 days in the NICU, but we brought her home on Thursday afternoon. She was up to 4 lbs 15 oz just before we brought her home.
We're exhausted. She's on a strict 3 hour feeding schedule which includes breastfeeding and then adding a formula supplement. I also pump at almost every feeding.
We go to the pediatrician on Tuesday. Can't wait to see how much weight she's put on.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Birth Day
Checking in at the hospital tomorrow morning at 6:15 to induce. I've been having lots and lots of contractions and was 2 cm dilated on Monday. I hope that means that we can use the minimum amount of drugs. Better yet, maybe I'll just start full-on labor during the night tonight.
I'm very excited that my dr of choice is on call tomorrow.
More when I'm a Mommy!
I'm very excited that my dr of choice is on call tomorrow.
More when I'm a Mommy!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Waiting
And we wait another week. The amnio showed that the protein level was not high enough to induce yet. This is particularly bothersome b/c the peri so does not like the look of things that he lowered the bar on his protein level requirement from 55 to 50. It was 42.9. Our new plan is to induce on Thurs Oct 22. No more testing. No questions asked. It's a go.
She only gained 2 oz in a week (babies at this point should be gaining 8 oz per week). That was with the 2nd measurement done by the peri himself. The first measurement done by the sono tech showed that she actually lost weight. She's now fallen lower than the 9th percentile of last week. He wouldn't even give us a number. He just said, "It's less than 10%." The 10th percentile mark is where a small baby goes from Small for Gestational Age to Intrauterine Growth Restriction. Above 10th is SGA; below is IUGR.
It's so scary and frustrating to go from, "we need to get her out right away." to "we're going to wait a week."
They didn't put me on bedrest, but my husband has. He's so sweet and cute. He's been reading up and decided that I should try bedrest b/c it is something that we can do. I plan to spend the week internet shopping and scrapbooking. There will probably be prayer without ceasing going on along with all of that.
She only gained 2 oz in a week (babies at this point should be gaining 8 oz per week). That was with the 2nd measurement done by the peri himself. The first measurement done by the sono tech showed that she actually lost weight. She's now fallen lower than the 9th percentile of last week. He wouldn't even give us a number. He just said, "It's less than 10%." The 10th percentile mark is where a small baby goes from Small for Gestational Age to Intrauterine Growth Restriction. Above 10th is SGA; below is IUGR.
It's so scary and frustrating to go from, "we need to get her out right away." to "we're going to wait a week."
They didn't put me on bedrest, but my husband has. He's so sweet and cute. He's been reading up and decided that I should try bedrest b/c it is something that we can do. I plan to spend the week internet shopping and scrapbooking. There will probably be prayer without ceasing going on along with all of that.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
....and then there was drama.
I didn't post about that I've had uncontrolled asthma symptoms. We've finally got it under control now, but I got bronchitis (which I'm highly prone to get) and suffered terribly from severe asthma symptoms for the last 9 or so weeks. Because the asthma was so poorly controlled, I checked out what A*COG recommends for asthma in pregnancy. They recommended regular u/s monitoring starting at 32 weeks. I asked for an u/s and it was scheduled for 3 weeks ago today in the afternoon. However, I woke up that morning realizing that the baby wasn't moving and had moved very, very little for about 36 hours. I went right in after the office opened and got the u/s; which didn't look so good and then immediately following that a non-stress test. They didn't like the looks of any of it so they sent me to the hospital for monitoring and had my peri's sono techs meet me there.
As it turns out, she was measuring 15 days behind. Since then, I've been having 2ce weekly monitoring. Actually, sometimes more because when I freak out if she's not moving I go in for an extra one. I've also had a couple of ER visits for breathing treatments in the last 4 weeks. One of which included an NST.
We went on Friday to the peri for a follow up u/s. Again, not so good. She's fallen even more behind and is now more than 3 weeks behind. Weighing in at 4 lbs 8 oz at 35 wks 4 days.
The plan is that we go tomorrow pm for an amnio to measure the protein level which indicates lung maturity. If her lungs are mature tomorrow, we will induce on Friday. Yes! The day after tomorrow!!!
I'm really hoping we go ahead and induce. The stress is killing me. Also, she's dropped and I'm very uncomfortable. I'm having so much trouble walking and getting up from a seated position is just a very painful experience.
Please send prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts, or whatever you believe in. I suppose my next post will be a birth announcement.
As it turns out, she was measuring 15 days behind. Since then, I've been having 2ce weekly monitoring. Actually, sometimes more because when I freak out if she's not moving I go in for an extra one. I've also had a couple of ER visits for breathing treatments in the last 4 weeks. One of which included an NST.
We went on Friday to the peri for a follow up u/s. Again, not so good. She's fallen even more behind and is now more than 3 weeks behind. Weighing in at 4 lbs 8 oz at 35 wks 4 days.
The plan is that we go tomorrow pm for an amnio to measure the protein level which indicates lung maturity. If her lungs are mature tomorrow, we will induce on Friday. Yes! The day after tomorrow!!!
I'm really hoping we go ahead and induce. The stress is killing me. Also, she's dropped and I'm very uncomfortable. I'm having so much trouble walking and getting up from a seated position is just a very painful experience.
Please send prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts, or whatever you believe in. I suppose my next post will be a birth announcement.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sheesh! How long has it been?
It's been forever since I've posted. I just don't have any drama. Everything is going fine and that just doesn't make for a very interesting post.
Just 9 weeks to go. We're finally working on the baby's room. We've ordered all of the furniture and I have 2 showers coming up at the end of the month.
So pleased that I haven't gained a ton of weight. I'm staying a pound or two under the minimum recommended weight gain. It's, thankfully, all out front. I never expected to be one of those pg women. I thought I would S-P-R-E-A-D out!
She's still an active little girl. We can't wait to meet her!
Just 9 weeks to go. We're finally working on the baby's room. We've ordered all of the furniture and I have 2 showers coming up at the end of the month.
So pleased that I haven't gained a ton of weight. I'm staying a pound or two under the minimum recommended weight gain. It's, thankfully, all out front. I never expected to be one of those pg women. I thought I would S-P-R-E-A-D out!
She's still an active little girl. We can't wait to meet her!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
ONE out of three IS bad
Well, the 2ww is over for my friends. My IRL friend got a BFN as did musicmakermomma. I hate to say I'm so sorry because I can remember hating the "I'm so sorry's." So let's say "that sucks" and maybe hit something. I remember how painful that was when it happened to me. I hope that if you ladies decide to cycle again you'll have success in the future.... and if you don't that you'll have complete peace in your decision.
We can celebrate with TheElderlyOvary. She's preggers and waiting for her first u/s. Her high betas may indicate more than one bun in the oven so I can't wait to hear the u/s results.
Stop by and see my friends and drop them a little note of support.
Not much to report for little ole me. I'm GROW -ING! I just noticed today for the first time that my belly is getting that tight, stretched look to it. I had to buy new, bigger clothes because the ones I bought late first trimester are on the verge of being very uncomfortable. I'm so thrilled to feel the baby move every day. At night, when I get in bed she gets active and I usually start crying from the joy of it.
I am stunned every day that this is happening to me. I was getting so close to really, really believing that it never would.
We can celebrate with TheElderlyOvary. She's preggers and waiting for her first u/s. Her high betas may indicate more than one bun in the oven so I can't wait to hear the u/s results.
Stop by and see my friends and drop them a little note of support.
Not much to report for little ole me. I'm GROW -ING! I just noticed today for the first time that my belly is getting that tight, stretched look to it. I had to buy new, bigger clothes because the ones I bought late first trimester are on the verge of being very uncomfortable. I'm so thrilled to feel the baby move every day. At night, when I get in bed she gets active and I usually start crying from the joy of it.
I am stunned every day that this is happening to me. I was getting so close to really, really believing that it never would.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
What did I just say!
I called my MIL back this morning. She has a gift for the baby. She got one just like it for my SIL's baby. MATCHING OUTFITS!
I'm going to teach my girl to fight like hell for her autonomy!!!!
I'm going to teach my girl to fight like hell for her autonomy!!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Here we go again. Once an IF, always an IF.
I found out today that my SIL is having a girl. If you're new to the blog, she's due just 3 weeks after me and she got pg the first month that she went off birth control after just 10 months of marriage. ACK!
So here I am raw, ugly, and with all of the fresh anger of an infertile. I feel as if someone has pulled the band-aid off of a sore the size of my entire being. My soul is shrinking into a ball and trying to hide and my actual physical self is sitting in a dark room and literally hiding from the world. I'm not answering the phone and flinch every time it rings. My MIL has already called. I cringe to think what celebratory conversation she wants to have with me. I have horrified visions of her going out and buying matching outfits for our babies.
I lick my ever present wounds of the infertile and hope that the grace to celebrate her baby comes sooner rather than later. All the while, what I fantasize about is running away with my family. Far, far away so that I can avoid this baby that to me is an infringement on the joy of my own painfully won pregnancy.
So here I am raw, ugly, and with all of the fresh anger of an infertile. I feel as if someone has pulled the band-aid off of a sore the size of my entire being. My soul is shrinking into a ball and trying to hide and my actual physical self is sitting in a dark room and literally hiding from the world. I'm not answering the phone and flinch every time it rings. My MIL has already called. I cringe to think what celebratory conversation she wants to have with me. I have horrified visions of her going out and buying matching outfits for our babies.
I lick my ever present wounds of the infertile and hope that the grace to celebrate her baby comes sooner rather than later. All the while, what I fantasize about is running away with my family. Far, far away so that I can avoid this baby that to me is an infringement on the joy of my own painfully won pregnancy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Just a little 2ww with my friends
This morning a very good friend IRL transferred 2 grade A day 3 embryos. I am seriously more excited than I was with my last transfer. This is her first IVF cycle. She's be TTC for exactly 2 years and she's 40 yo. She was given a terrible diagnosis regarding her ovaries, but lo and behold she eeked out 7 eggs and 6 of them fertilized. We must always remember to go with our gut because doctors can give us an educated opinion, but they really don't know what's going to happen. Her dr had already been talking to her about DE before she even tried any sort of medicated cycle!
My other friends in the 2ww are in the blogosphere. Lorraine over at TheElderlyOvary transferred some beautiful blasts over the weekend and musicmakermomma is about halfway through her 2ww on a donor egg cycle. Visit them and wish them luck!
And here in my house everything is going along swimmingly. I feel my little girl squirming around every day. We're to the point that if I get down on the floor and lay on my back Daddy can even feel his little girl kicking.
Week 22 and all is well.
Thanks e/o for your kind posts. All you ICLW posters, thanks for stopping by.
My other friends in the 2ww are in the blogosphere. Lorraine over at TheElderlyOvary transferred some beautiful blasts over the weekend and musicmakermomma is about halfway through her 2ww on a donor egg cycle. Visit them and wish them luck!
And here in my house everything is going along swimmingly. I feel my little girl squirming around every day. We're to the point that if I get down on the floor and lay on my back Daddy can even feel his little girl kicking.
Week 22 and all is well.
Thanks e/o for your kind posts. All you ICLW posters, thanks for stopping by.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Oh Happy Day!
Well, I had my anatomy scan with the peri yesterday. The baby looks great and it is definitely a girl. This time instead of saying "well, I don't see any boy parts" he was confidant enough to say "it's a girl!" I need to go back to the tech at my OB's office and tell her that she should just not say anything as early as 10 weeks no matter what she thinks. She says a lot of inappropriate things! I digress....
Everything looked wonderful. There were no markers for Downs. I don't know if I've mentioned here that we opted not to do any diagnostic testing so this is the only look we get at Downs markers. All measurements were perfect for a normal, healthy baby. My husband said that he felt a little bad at how relieved he was. We had committed to happily taking whatever baby God blessed us with. I suppose it's not bad to be relieved, though. We're just happy that God chose to give us a genetically normal baby. That's a really big deal for a couple of 43 yo's.
My peri also checked over my uterus and cervix again. I have a small uterus and a short cervix so there were initially concerns about being able to carry a baby to term without a cerclage and probably a buttload of bedrest. Amazingly, both the uterus and the cervix are of normal size/length now. It's true! They are made to change to accomodate a baby and that's exactly what my body has done. Take that RE's that made me worry more than I needed to!!!
And in a shocking turn of events; my peri released me. Yes, I have been released to the OB with no further visits of the kind necessary for a person of high risk unless something comes up in the future. That'll just about make a crazy girl swoon. "Don't go making me feel almost normal, Doctor!"
DH and I celebrated by going to my favorite little cafe (which happens to be right next to my peri's office) and getting two big, fat, made with white flour, bluberry muffins. Mmmmm, I miss white flour sometimes. However, within 45 minutes of eating it, my fingers blew up like sausages. Oh well, back to whole grain.
Speaking of food. I've been craving my mama's fried chicken lately. I haven't made it in probably about 20 years. Well, we've invited my FIL for supper and I'm going to make fried chicken, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, and biscuits (yes, with white flour). Mmmm, just like Mama used to make (my parents don't eat like that anymore, either). Don't know why, but the comfort foods of old are really calling to me these days. I'll not deny myself altogether. Once in a while, you've just got to live a little!
Life is good....the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, my cats are huddled around me, my sweet husband is upstairs playing video games, and my precious baby is growing just as she should.
I think I'll go take a shower now so that I can go out and buy something PINK... :-) Time to start the name negotiation. Good times!
Everything looked wonderful. There were no markers for Downs. I don't know if I've mentioned here that we opted not to do any diagnostic testing so this is the only look we get at Downs markers. All measurements were perfect for a normal, healthy baby. My husband said that he felt a little bad at how relieved he was. We had committed to happily taking whatever baby God blessed us with. I suppose it's not bad to be relieved, though. We're just happy that God chose to give us a genetically normal baby. That's a really big deal for a couple of 43 yo's.
My peri also checked over my uterus and cervix again. I have a small uterus and a short cervix so there were initially concerns about being able to carry a baby to term without a cerclage and probably a buttload of bedrest. Amazingly, both the uterus and the cervix are of normal size/length now. It's true! They are made to change to accomodate a baby and that's exactly what my body has done. Take that RE's that made me worry more than I needed to!!!
And in a shocking turn of events; my peri released me. Yes, I have been released to the OB with no further visits of the kind necessary for a person of high risk unless something comes up in the future. That'll just about make a crazy girl swoon. "Don't go making me feel almost normal, Doctor!"
DH and I celebrated by going to my favorite little cafe (which happens to be right next to my peri's office) and getting two big, fat, made with white flour, bluberry muffins. Mmmmm, I miss white flour sometimes. However, within 45 minutes of eating it, my fingers blew up like sausages. Oh well, back to whole grain.
Speaking of food. I've been craving my mama's fried chicken lately. I haven't made it in probably about 20 years. Well, we've invited my FIL for supper and I'm going to make fried chicken, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, and biscuits (yes, with white flour). Mmmm, just like Mama used to make (my parents don't eat like that anymore, either). Don't know why, but the comfort foods of old are really calling to me these days. I'll not deny myself altogether. Once in a while, you've just got to live a little!
Life is good....the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, my cats are huddled around me, my sweet husband is upstairs playing video games, and my precious baby is growing just as she should.
I think I'll go take a shower now so that I can go out and buy something PINK... :-) Time to start the name negotiation. Good times!
Monday, June 15, 2009
New Kitty
Welcome Little Girl! We have a new addition to our home. After the loss of my Sunshine, my little 6 yo kitty started getting depressed. So 2 weeks ago, I got a new little kitty. I won't post her name b/c it happens to be the same as the female character of an uber popular series of v*mpire books and I don't want every 'tween that searches it to find themselves here. I read the whole series, but it had absolutely nothing to do with naming my kitty that name. In fact, it didn't even occur to me until my BFF said something about it. After living with her for 4 days, it was just the only name that kept washing through my mind. If you're not familiar with the books, it's Italian for beauty.
New Kitty likes watching tv, taking long naps, and reading chick lit.
She also likes to chase the cursor on the computer screen, but I haven't been able to capture an image of that. :-)
New Kitty likes watching tv, taking long naps, and reading chick lit.
She also likes to chase the cursor on the computer screen, but I haven't been able to capture an image of that. :-)
"Hmm, I think the boyfriend did it."
"Don't scratch my tummy while I'm sleeping!"
"Thanks for making that run to the bookstore. I'm just about done with this one."
6 YO Kitty hasn't totally warmed up to her, but she has started playing with her a little bit in between the growling and hissing...and she's come out of hiding. She can even stand to sleep with me with New Kitty in the bed. New Kitty is super sweet and most importantly, she loves Daddy. A big goal for New Kitty was for her to not be afraid of Daddy as 6 YO Kitty is.
In pg news, I'm 19 wks today. I'm definitely feeling the baby move. So weird. Back to the peri on Friday. I had some cramping on Sat night that was a bit scary, but it didn't last long and hasn't come back. When do you know when you're supposed to worry? This is such a foreign land for me.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wasn't I supposed to relax now?
I told myself that once I got that 16 wk u/s behind me that I would relax. Sadly, it's just not that easy. I have had some relief, but it's not like I can just let go and wait to get to 40 wks. The thing that I can't get out of my head is my local RE saying to me last year, "that uterus is never going to support a pregnancy!" It haunts me. I'm so afraid that she may be right. Every day of this pregnancy I have been amazed that nothing has gone wrong. I hate that I feel like I'm spending the pregnancy waiting for something bad to happen. I'm trying so hard to enjoy it. What's a girl to do?
Friday, May 29, 2009
It's a ????
Well, thank goodness that I had been questioning the sono tech's belief from the 10 wk scan that we were having a boy. I went yesterday for my 16 wk visit with the peri and he thinks it's a girl. He didn't seem totally convinced so I'm not settling on anything until the next visit in 3 wks.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Oh my...
Well, tomorrow I'm off on a long weekend to NYC with my MIL and 2 SIL's. This will be the first time that I've ever been around any of them this much. I'm very nervous. It will also be the first time that I've seen my pg SIL since finding out about her pgy. I had this trip planned before knowing about her pgy.
It would make it so much easier if I could drink! A nice little buzz maintained through the weekend could make everything seem a little nicer. I hope I'm worrying about nothing.
It would make it so much easier if I could drink! A nice little buzz maintained through the weekend could make everything seem a little nicer. I hope I'm worrying about nothing.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
More thoughts
So I've realized that my last post could have given the impression that people who've had multiple pregnancy losses are or should be without hope for success. That couldn't be further from the truth. I want to talk a bit more about this. I hope that I didn't hurt anyone by my comments in that post.
My point was that in the 1950's there were so few options available to women with fertility issues or RPL. We are so fortunate today to have a plethora of diagnostic testing and treatment options available to us. My mother had none of that. Given the despair and loss of hope that I felt as I went through my journey, I thought that my mother may have felt something similar. However, she did not have the looming age issue that I had.
In other news, I had a good OB appointment on Friday. Everything is just as it should be.
My point was that in the 1950's there were so few options available to women with fertility issues or RPL. We are so fortunate today to have a plethora of diagnostic testing and treatment options available to us. My mother had none of that. Given the despair and loss of hope that I felt as I went through my journey, I thought that my mother may have felt something similar. However, she did not have the looming age issue that I had.
In other news, I had a good OB appointment on Friday. Everything is just as it should be.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Talk with Mama about Pregnancy Loss
I grew up knowing my whole childhood that my mother had suffered multiple pregnancy losses b/t children numbers one and two. In fact, the matter of fact manner in which she always spoke of her losses did not serve me well when I had my own. B/c of the way she always spoke of them, I greatly underestimated the great pain and depth of despair that goes along with such a loss.
I am the 5th of 5 children. By the time I came along, the losses were a memory 8 to 9 years old and older than that by the time she was discussing them with me. It's so strange to me now how it was just something that we always seemed to talk about. Did we really or is that just how I remember it? Anyway, she went on to have 4 more healthy children after those losses and had a baby at home while they were happening. I suppose that makes all the difference.
Allow me to digress a moment for background purposes....My sister also m/c her first pg and went on to have 4 healthy babies in 12 years. My mother's sister had 3 or more m/c after her 1st over a 12 year period until giving birth to number two. All of these women seemed to sail through these losses. How is that possible? Was I too young to see the truth? Does going on to have a baby change it all? I don't know the answers to these questions. I know that I still ache for my lost baby even while I nurture and grow this one in me.
Okay, back to the story...
This weekend I went home for... Well, you know what I went home for. I don't think we have to name it here. And to tell my parents about the pregnancy. Sat night my mother and I couldn't sleep. We sat up in the living room talking. I started asking questions about her miscarriages. So now she tells me that maybe there were 4. I always knew that one of them was a 2nd trimester loss and that she almost died from blood loss, but now I am just heartbroken by the story. She was taken to an Army hospital and was knocked out immediately without being told anything. They took the baby, by a D&C I suppose. She doesn't know any details of what they did to her. The procedure was not abdominal. She knows that it was a boy. She did not get to see the baby. The Army, an organization that has to give a name to everything, made her name the baby that she never saw. She has no idea why she lost the baby because, as she says, "the Army doesn't tell you anything." It sounds like placental abruption to me. They did not tell her how far along she was, but she thinks 4 or 5 months. I'm so thankful that I did not come of age in the '50's. She was treated as if she had no brain.
Oh, the story will be so much more poignant if you understand that my mother got married at 17 in 1954. She had her first baby 11 months later at age 18. All of these losses were happening when she was 19 years old. Can you imagine that?
Now, here's the thing that I really wanted to tell you. I asked her, "when you had all of those miscarriages, did you get to a point where you thought you would never have another baby?" I almost fell off my chair when she said, "No, uh uh." I mean, it was so obvious that it had never occurred to her.
Youthful naivete or faith? What do you think?
I am the 5th of 5 children. By the time I came along, the losses were a memory 8 to 9 years old and older than that by the time she was discussing them with me. It's so strange to me now how it was just something that we always seemed to talk about. Did we really or is that just how I remember it? Anyway, she went on to have 4 more healthy children after those losses and had a baby at home while they were happening. I suppose that makes all the difference.
Allow me to digress a moment for background purposes....My sister also m/c her first pg and went on to have 4 healthy babies in 12 years. My mother's sister had 3 or more m/c after her 1st over a 12 year period until giving birth to number two. All of these women seemed to sail through these losses. How is that possible? Was I too young to see the truth? Does going on to have a baby change it all? I don't know the answers to these questions. I know that I still ache for my lost baby even while I nurture and grow this one in me.
Okay, back to the story...
This weekend I went home for... Well, you know what I went home for. I don't think we have to name it here. And to tell my parents about the pregnancy. Sat night my mother and I couldn't sleep. We sat up in the living room talking. I started asking questions about her miscarriages. So now she tells me that maybe there were 4. I always knew that one of them was a 2nd trimester loss and that she almost died from blood loss, but now I am just heartbroken by the story. She was taken to an Army hospital and was knocked out immediately without being told anything. They took the baby, by a D&C I suppose. She doesn't know any details of what they did to her. The procedure was not abdominal. She knows that it was a boy. She did not get to see the baby. The Army, an organization that has to give a name to everything, made her name the baby that she never saw. She has no idea why she lost the baby because, as she says, "the Army doesn't tell you anything." It sounds like placental abruption to me. They did not tell her how far along she was, but she thinks 4 or 5 months. I'm so thankful that I did not come of age in the '50's. She was treated as if she had no brain.
Oh, the story will be so much more poignant if you understand that my mother got married at 17 in 1954. She had her first baby 11 months later at age 18. All of these losses were happening when she was 19 years old. Can you imagine that?
Now, here's the thing that I really wanted to tell you. I asked her, "when you had all of those miscarriages, did you get to a point where you thought you would never have another baby?" I almost fell off my chair when she said, "No, uh uh." I mean, it was so obvious that it had never occurred to her.
Youthful naivete or faith? What do you think?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
It's a new day!
I actually did something really good for myself and with perfect timing. A few weeks ago I signed myself up for a photography class. I thought it would be a good distraction during the pgy and by the time the baby arrives I'll be able to take much better pics. What a good idea! I'm so thankful that it's a good class; amazing instructor. It's given me something to take my mind off the worry and other obssessions and something to look forward to in the short-term. I can't wait for Tues so that I can go to the next class.
Monday, April 27, 2009
The ups and downs of being an IF
So yesterday was the due date for the pregnancy that I lost in the fall. Now today I begin week 12 of my current pregnancy. How's that for timing? No need to tell you that being pg made yesterday much easier, but I did spend some time crying for my little guy that I lost. It's a mystery as to why the pg failed. The karyotype showed no chromosomal issues.
So......moving on. I need to focus on the baby that I'm nurturing right now. I've been so worried about so many things. I was losing some weight for about 3 weeks running. I never got to a negative net gain from pre-pregnancy, but it was starting to make me go hmmm. Oh well, apparently I took care of that. When I got on the scale this morning, I was UP. A little more up than I was looking for. I don't know where it came from either. I definitely was worried for the last several days that I wasn't getting enough food in me.
I woke up yesterday really anxious about whether or not everything is okay. I'm dying to get to the point that I can feel the baby move so that I will have a daily measure of how it's doing. I don't go back to the dr for another 2 1/2 wks. Man is that ever going to be a long wait. There are just a whole series of 2ww's aren't there!
So......moving on. I need to focus on the baby that I'm nurturing right now. I've been so worried about so many things. I was losing some weight for about 3 weeks running. I never got to a negative net gain from pre-pregnancy, but it was starting to make me go hmmm. Oh well, apparently I took care of that. When I got on the scale this morning, I was UP. A little more up than I was looking for. I don't know where it came from either. I definitely was worried for the last several days that I wasn't getting enough food in me.
I woke up yesterday really anxious about whether or not everything is okay. I'm dying to get to the point that I can feel the baby move so that I will have a daily measure of how it's doing. I don't go back to the dr for another 2 1/2 wks. Man is that ever going to be a long wait. There are just a whole series of 2ww's aren't there!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Oh Phoebe, you said a mouthful (see comments from last post if you're wondering what I'm talking about). That's the epiphany I've had in the last 2 days. I thought I was really getting back to myself since I've been pg. I've started feeling so normal, but when this happened I realized that the IF woman in me isn't going anywhere. It is now a part of who I am. I will never react normally to things that fertile people take for granted.
I've been obsessing again for the last few days about whether or not things are ok. I'm so scared to tell people. I think we're going to wait until 16 wks now. I need another good OB appt before I can tell.
I went into a baby store today and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I shouldn't have been there or like I was an imposter. I looked around and I was seriously nervous that a sales associate would approach me. I left pretty quickly feeling kind of that feeling like when you go into a store where there is nothing that you can afford and you feel like you shouldn't be there. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a move towards preparations for baby and then the baby is going to get yanked from me. I'm still so afraid of jinxing it. Oh, yes...I still have the heart and mind of an IF woman and it's pretty warped and broken.
I'll be 12 wks tomorrow. I should be so excited to be reaching the end of my first trimester. Instead, I'm paranoid that something is wrong. RRRGH! I think I'll start feeling ok at about week 45! When my baby's safely in my arms... Even my OB told me that he's not going to relax about this pregnancy until he catches the baby in his hands. That really helped me relax! Sheesh!!!
I've been obsessing again for the last few days about whether or not things are ok. I'm so scared to tell people. I think we're going to wait until 16 wks now. I need another good OB appt before I can tell.
I went into a baby store today and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I shouldn't have been there or like I was an imposter. I looked around and I was seriously nervous that a sales associate would approach me. I left pretty quickly feeling kind of that feeling like when you go into a store where there is nothing that you can afford and you feel like you shouldn't be there. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a move towards preparations for baby and then the baby is going to get yanked from me. I'm still so afraid of jinxing it. Oh, yes...I still have the heart and mind of an IF woman and it's pretty warped and broken.
I'll be 12 wks tomorrow. I should be so excited to be reaching the end of my first trimester. Instead, I'm paranoid that something is wrong. RRRGH! I think I'll start feeling ok at about week 45! When my baby's safely in my arms... Even my OB told me that he's not going to relax about this pregnancy until he catches the baby in his hands. That really helped me relax! Sheesh!!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
From a dark and ugly place
So I've been happily skipping along in the glow of pregnancy. Well, today I got clotheslined! My husband called to give me a heads up that his little sister is pg. She's making her big announcement today....at 8 weeks. We're just about to be 12 wks and I've been thinking all week that I want to wait until 16 wks. Anyhoo, she has been married all of TEN MONTHS!!! I am just so fucking pissed off. I'm just going to admit right now that I am not one of those people who "wouldn't wish this on anyone." Seriously, I want everyone to have trouble getting pg and when they don't, it makes me mad as hell. Add to that that this overnight pregnancy in particular is going to suck the life right out of my announcement and I am just a crying, sobbing, puddle of emotion.
I don't want to hear how everybody will still be excited or how great it will be to have a cousin so close. One friend even said that it would be fun to be pg with my SIL. HA! I think that's just bullshit! I've been to hell and back and I want to be pg by myself. I want to make my announcement without being in the shadow of anyone. And I want to have the only newborn in the family. I am selfish and unreasonable. That's how I feel and I don't care.
To make matter worse, on the other side of the family, my nephew's wife is due to deliver 4 months before me. Shit! I'm getting it from every side. This happens to be the nephew that took my girl name (MY grandmother's name) for his first child apparently without a care as to how it would make me feel b/c my sister plainly told him that I was planning to use it and that he should reconsider.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! I just want to be able to have something go easily for me in the department of having a baby. And I'm sick and tired of it going so easily for everybody else. I don't even think anybody that gets it easily even appreciates it the way they really should.
I'm also sick of having to suck up my broken heart so that I don't hurt anybody else. My husband doesn't understand how I feel at all. I'm actually pretty sick of him at the moment, too. I practically hung up on him tonight. I'm so glad that he's doing a boy's weekend and I don't have to have him here sitting in judgment of me all weekend. With the name issue, he was a complete ass and showed no understanding. He actually said to me that I was NOT ALLOWED to be mad about it. WTF? Who in their right mind thinks they can tell someone what it is and is not okay to feel. You feel what you feel.
And if all of that is not bad enough, Sunday is the due date for the pg that I lost. I knew it was coming up, but I was really trying not to give it much thought. Then tonight I was checking my Palm and got a reminder "April 26, 40 weeks, Due Date." Oh, it was a knife through the heart. It was just so unexpected. I took it out of my Outlook calendar on my laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't synced the two so it was still in my mobile. Could that have happened on a worse day? The bawling just started all over again.
I'm going to go and try to sleep off some of this anger, disappointment, and grief now. Perhaps next time I'll be in a frame of mind to write something that is actually fit for human consumption.
I don't want to hear how everybody will still be excited or how great it will be to have a cousin so close. One friend even said that it would be fun to be pg with my SIL. HA! I think that's just bullshit! I've been to hell and back and I want to be pg by myself. I want to make my announcement without being in the shadow of anyone. And I want to have the only newborn in the family. I am selfish and unreasonable. That's how I feel and I don't care.
To make matter worse, on the other side of the family, my nephew's wife is due to deliver 4 months before me. Shit! I'm getting it from every side. This happens to be the nephew that took my girl name (MY grandmother's name) for his first child apparently without a care as to how it would make me feel b/c my sister plainly told him that I was planning to use it and that he should reconsider.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! I just want to be able to have something go easily for me in the department of having a baby. And I'm sick and tired of it going so easily for everybody else. I don't even think anybody that gets it easily even appreciates it the way they really should.
I'm also sick of having to suck up my broken heart so that I don't hurt anybody else. My husband doesn't understand how I feel at all. I'm actually pretty sick of him at the moment, too. I practically hung up on him tonight. I'm so glad that he's doing a boy's weekend and I don't have to have him here sitting in judgment of me all weekend. With the name issue, he was a complete ass and showed no understanding. He actually said to me that I was NOT ALLOWED to be mad about it. WTF? Who in their right mind thinks they can tell someone what it is and is not okay to feel. You feel what you feel.
And if all of that is not bad enough, Sunday is the due date for the pg that I lost. I knew it was coming up, but I was really trying not to give it much thought. Then tonight I was checking my Palm and got a reminder "April 26, 40 weeks, Due Date." Oh, it was a knife through the heart. It was just so unexpected. I took it out of my Outlook calendar on my laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't synced the two so it was still in my mobile. Could that have happened on a worse day? The bawling just started all over again.
I'm going to go and try to sleep off some of this anger, disappointment, and grief now. Perhaps next time I'll be in a frame of mind to write something that is actually fit for human consumption.
Friday, April 17, 2009
What an amazing experience!
My u/s was incredible. The tech switched over to 3D and it was just the most incredible thing I've ever seen. In 2D she said that she thought she saw a penis, but in 3D even I could see it. It was especially funny b/c just that morning my SIL had asked me when we could tell the sex and I said well the external sex organs are forming this week, but you'd have to put a camera in the uterus to be able to tell. Well...maybe not!
10 weeks
2 days
See what I mean. He lifted his little leg just to show it off! Just like my husband.
I'm just beside myself with excitement. I hardly slept at all the night of the u/s. I'm just so thrilled with how good he looked and how active he was. There was one point on the 2D where I could even count five fingers on his left hand. I'm really in love with technology right now!!!
BTW - Lisa, please don't feel bad for laughing at my post telling about my fit. That was the point. I really get how funny it was. It was made even funnier by the fact that my DH wasn't phased by it. When I went upstairs to read, he fell asleep on the couch. The next day he teased me a little about it. But all-in-all, he incredibly reacted as if it were perfectly normal behavior.
10 weeks
2 days
See what I mean. He lifted his little leg just to show it off! Just like my husband.
I'm just beside myself with excitement. I hardly slept at all the night of the u/s. I'm just so thrilled with how good he looked and how active he was. There was one point on the 2D where I could even count five fingers on his left hand. I'm really in love with technology right now!!!
BTW - Lisa, please don't feel bad for laughing at my post telling about my fit. That was the point. I really get how funny it was. It was made even funnier by the fact that my DH wasn't phased by it. When I went upstairs to read, he fell asleep on the couch. The next day he teased me a little about it. But all-in-all, he incredibly reacted as if it were perfectly normal behavior.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
April 14 and all is well
So things seem to be going really well. I expect good news at tomorrow's u/s. My belly is growing a bit and I'm soooo exhausted. I got miserably sick on Easter morning. Thankfully, I was okay in time for lunch with the family. I felt so bad that we didn't go to church. It's a good thing, too. I puked and puked and puked at exactly 11:30. That would have been so ugly if I'd been sitting at church. It's a loooonnng way from the sanctuary to the restroom!
I'd like to just sleep through the next 2 wks. I may just darn near do that. Oh, I'm so glad that I don't work for someone else. How do people do it? If I had to keep a regular schedule right now I'd wind up laying on the floor of my office pitching a fit. I find it impossible to resist the sleep that I need. I'm just too miserable to live if I deny the sleep.
I've bought a few pieces of maternity clothing. I'm going to try to wait 2 more wks to wear them, but I may not make it. The pieces are really cute so I'm actually looking forward to it. Also, I'm ready to look pg instead of just dumpy and fat. Pg is cute....the big, frumpy look that I've got going right now is not cute at all.
So send good thoughts for my little kumquat for our u/s tomorrow. I can't wait to see it with the defined arms and legs looking more like a human than a tadpole. I'll be 10 wks 2 days tomorrow. Whoohooo!!!
I'd like to just sleep through the next 2 wks. I may just darn near do that. Oh, I'm so glad that I don't work for someone else. How do people do it? If I had to keep a regular schedule right now I'd wind up laying on the floor of my office pitching a fit. I find it impossible to resist the sleep that I need. I'm just too miserable to live if I deny the sleep.
I've bought a few pieces of maternity clothing. I'm going to try to wait 2 more wks to wear them, but I may not make it. The pieces are really cute so I'm actually looking forward to it. Also, I'm ready to look pg instead of just dumpy and fat. Pg is cute....the big, frumpy look that I've got going right now is not cute at all.
So send good thoughts for my little kumquat for our u/s tomorrow. I can't wait to see it with the defined arms and legs looking more like a human than a tadpole. I'll be 10 wks 2 days tomorrow. Whoohooo!!!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Goodbye Sunshine
It's a sad day here. We had my 19 yo cat put down. She was such a good, good girl, but she was old and tired. Her little body was just giving out on her.
Above is a picture of her from better days.
All is well otherwise...more later.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Hmmm, perhaps the hormonal crazies have begun
Soooo, I had an all out bitch-crazy fit tonight.
We live in a house that is 103 years old. My stove in my pathetic kitchen is from sometime in the '80's. We keep putting off a big renovation project that will modernize kitchen, baths, etc. The kitchen is nowhere near to being a cook's kitchen; sadly, I am a cook. So tonight I decided to make up a little homemade mac & cheese. I put the butter in the pan and then the flour. I can't get the damn flour mixed in with the butter because all of the @#$%ing butter is on one side of the pan because the stove eye is not, can not, will never be level. I HATE THIS STOVE! Which is what I started screaming, yes really screaming, as I beat (see woman raising frying pan with 2 hands and beating it on stove repeatedly) the pan on the stove sending butter and flour flying around my kitchen. For a good visual, probably the best I can recommend is Shirley MaClaine in Terms of Endearment having the fit in the hospital. Insert my stove in the place of the nurse's desk and put a skillet in her hand.
In the spirit of mature women who can overcome anything, I turned off the stove, stormed upstairs and got in bed with a book. After reading for about 45 minutes, I calmed down enough to order a pizza.
Looking forward to the next 7 months!
We live in a house that is 103 years old. My stove in my pathetic kitchen is from sometime in the '80's. We keep putting off a big renovation project that will modernize kitchen, baths, etc. The kitchen is nowhere near to being a cook's kitchen; sadly, I am a cook. So tonight I decided to make up a little homemade mac & cheese. I put the butter in the pan and then the flour. I can't get the damn flour mixed in with the butter because all of the @#$%ing butter is on one side of the pan because the stove eye is not, can not, will never be level. I HATE THIS STOVE! Which is what I started screaming, yes really screaming, as I beat (see woman raising frying pan with 2 hands and beating it on stove repeatedly) the pan on the stove sending butter and flour flying around my kitchen. For a good visual, probably the best I can recommend is Shirley MaClaine in Terms of Endearment having the fit in the hospital. Insert my stove in the place of the nurse's desk and put a skillet in her hand.
In the spirit of mature women who can overcome anything, I turned off the stove, stormed upstairs and got in bed with a book. After reading for about 45 minutes, I calmed down enough to order a pizza.
Looking forward to the next 7 months!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Always something to worry about :-(
So I've been spotting for 3 days. It's all been brown and my OB's office says not to worry about it b/c I'm not having any cramping. HA! Fat chance! If it's still going on tomorrow and my OB's office still brushes me off, I think I'm going to try to go back to my RE's office. I really need some peace of mind on this. I know spotting in the first trimester can be perfectly normal, but come on. After all I've been through, I'm supposed to not worry!
I'm trying really hard to take it easy. That can be hard to do. Somehow my house is staying in a constant state of disarray and it's driving me crazy. I try to do just a little bit and then rest for a while. I've hardly gone into the office this week at all so that's good, but I need to hire somebody to get this laundry under control.
I may be wearing my jeans for the last time today. They're a wee bit snug. I bought a pair of maternity pants yesterday and 2 pair of yoga pants. Yoga pants are my best friend right now. Oh, I also bought a huge bra! I got a belly band, too, but I really don't think I can run around town with my pants undone.
For the first time in my life, I absolutely don't care about my pouchy stomach. Yea for me! However, I don't want it to accidentally fall out in the middle of Target either.
I'm trying really hard to take it easy. That can be hard to do. Somehow my house is staying in a constant state of disarray and it's driving me crazy. I try to do just a little bit and then rest for a while. I've hardly gone into the office this week at all so that's good, but I need to hire somebody to get this laundry under control.
I may be wearing my jeans for the last time today. They're a wee bit snug. I bought a pair of maternity pants yesterday and 2 pair of yoga pants. Yoga pants are my best friend right now. Oh, I also bought a huge bra! I got a belly band, too, but I really don't think I can run around town with my pants undone.
For the first time in my life, I absolutely don't care about my pouchy stomach. Yea for me! However, I don't want it to accidentally fall out in the middle of Target either.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
All Good News!
At the appointment on Friday, the baby looked just beautiful. It measured at a perfect 7 weeks, 4 days and had a heart rate of 150.
We are flying high and so excited. The spotting lasted less than 24 hours and hasn't returned. My RE thinks it could have been the 2nd yolk sac passing or from the change from PIO to oral progesterone. Yes, I got to take my last shot on Tuesday!!! Wahoo!
I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow. 4 more weeks and we're going to start on the nursery. Can't wait!
We are flying high and so excited. The spotting lasted less than 24 hours and hasn't returned. My RE thinks it could have been the 2nd yolk sac passing or from the change from PIO to oral progesterone. Yes, I got to take my last shot on Tuesday!!! Wahoo!
I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow. 4 more weeks and we're going to start on the nursery. Can't wait!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dear Baby
Dear Precious Baby in my Womb,
Please grow and flourish. We're going to get to look at you again tomorrow. I hope your beautiful little heart will be beating away and that you are healthy and perfect. I am so nervous and have so much fear for your well-being because we lost your brother at this very point when he was growing in me.
I'm praying for you, Baby. I want to meet you in November.
Love,
Mommy
Please grow and flourish. We're going to get to look at you again tomorrow. I hope your beautiful little heart will be beating away and that you are healthy and perfect. I am so nervous and have so much fear for your well-being because we lost your brother at this very point when he was growing in me.
I'm praying for you, Baby. I want to meet you in November.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Ain't Life Grand!
I got to hear my baby's heartbeat today. I am 6wks1d and all is well. Everything looked just perfect.
I'm now sitting on my front porch with my laptop and a neighbor (college student) across the street is on his porch playing acoustic guitar. It's about 75 degrees. Only my DH coming home could make it better! Alas, Thursday is coming.
I'm now sitting on my front porch with my laptop and a neighbor (college student) across the street is on his porch playing acoustic guitar. It's about 75 degrees. Only my DH coming home could make it better! Alas, Thursday is coming.
Nerves
We went back to the OB on Friday. DH went with me. So glad he did. We were able to see the hb. 5wks, 4days. So the last time we were pg, the baby stopped developing at in the 7th week (can't remember if it was 6wks 2 or 4 days. So here I am in the 7th week and I'm on pins and needles. Thankfully, I'm going back to the OB today and then back to the RE tomorrow. I'm hoping that these visits can ease my mind and give me some comfort that this pg will be healthy.
4 hours to u/s. What a relief! If I didn't have these appts, I'd be going completely crazy. Let's get past this hurdle and maybe I can find the joy again.
4 hours to u/s. What a relief! If I didn't have these appts, I'd be going completely crazy. Let's get past this hurdle and maybe I can find the joy again.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Can you say....MISDIAGNOSIS!!!!!
So I went to the IF clinic in ATL. After much probing with the, well, probe, it was determined that the tech at my ob's office did not have experience looking at over stimulated ovaries. What she thought was a gestational sac was actually a huge corpus luteum. What an enormous relief!!!
So we finally got that 2nd beta back and it was good. I also got the one from yesterday. I did a calculator from the first one to the one yesterday and it says it's doubling every 45.7 hours.
The fetal pole was "beautiful." They also saw a second sac, but couldn't see a fetal pole in that one. I wonder if it has stopped developing or if it's just slower.
My ATL clinic invited me to continue to monitor with them until wk 12. I jumped all over that!
So tired....must sleep.
So we finally got that 2nd beta back and it was good. I also got the one from yesterday. I did a calculator from the first one to the one yesterday and it says it's doubling every 45.7 hours.
The fetal pole was "beautiful." They also saw a second sac, but couldn't see a fetal pole in that one. I wonder if it has stopped developing or if it's just slower.
My ATL clinic invited me to continue to monitor with them until wk 12. I jumped all over that!
So tired....must sleep.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The very latest
My in-state RE wants to see me first thing tomorrow and to arrive prepared for the possibility of surgery. If the little rebel embryo is large enough that it may pose a problem, he will go ahead and take it tomorrow.
I'd just as soon get this over with so tomorrow is fine with me. If we wait to see if it fails on it's own, I'll just be on pins and needles until it either happens or doesn't.
I finally fell apart a bit ago when I had to call someone to go with me. I had been freakishly calm all day. DH is out of town working and won't be here tomorrow and since there is a possiblity of surgery I can't go alone.
I'd just as soon get this over with so tomorrow is fine with me. If we wait to see if it fails on it's own, I'll just be on pins and needles until it either happens or doesn't.
I finally fell apart a bit ago when I had to call someone to go with me. I had been freakishly calm all day. DH is out of town working and won't be here tomorrow and since there is a possiblity of surgery I can't go alone.
Who ever heard of a Heterotopic Pregnancy?
WTF? I went in today for my 5 wk u/s and there is one nice little yolk sac in the uterus. Unfortunately, there's another yolk sac outside of the uterus. It appears to be in my left fallopian tube. They drew blood to check my hCG levels and will do so again on Fri to compare. I also will have another u/s on Fri.
If things go well, the embryo in the tube will cease to grow and my body will absorb it. If that doesn't happen, I'll have to have surgery to have it removed. I'm trying to find out about the success of keeping the in utero pregnancy when this happens.
Does anybody have any information on surgery for heterotopic pregnancy?
If things go well, the embryo in the tube will cease to grow and my body will absorb it. If that doesn't happen, I'll have to have surgery to have it removed. I'm trying to find out about the success of keeping the in utero pregnancy when this happens.
Does anybody have any information on surgery for heterotopic pregnancy?
Friday, March 6, 2009
If I'd known then
A friend of mine she cries at night, and she
Calls me on the phone
Sees babies everywhere she goes and she
Wants one of her own.
She's waited long enough she says
And still she can't decide
Pretty soon she'll have to choose and it tears her up inside...
She's scared...
scared she'll run out of time.
This song, Nick of Time, was on Bonnie Raitt's 1989 album also titled Nick of Time. I spent most of 1990 wearing out the cassette tape of this album. I LOVED every song on it. Interestingly, this song didn't move me any more than any of the rest. I was 24, wild, and free (and probably on birth control). I remember that summer almost every weekend a big group of friends and I would go up to the north Georgia mountains and have the most wonderful, carefree weekends. One girl would bring her guitar and we'd sit around and sing songs from this very album. I practically breathed this album. And I did not have a clue to what the verses above spoke.
These days, I've put this album on my phone. I was out walking this morning with my phone on shuffle mode going through all of the songs on it, but we came around to Nick of Time. Now it almost stops me in my tracks. When I was 37, I made up my mind that I just couldn't wait any more. I had to find a husband and get married. Luckily for me, my plan actually worked. We got married at 39. I was no longer listening to this song, but I was living it.
Isn't life funny.
Calls me on the phone
Sees babies everywhere she goes and she
Wants one of her own.
She's waited long enough she says
And still she can't decide
Pretty soon she'll have to choose and it tears her up inside...
She's scared...
scared she'll run out of time.
This song, Nick of Time, was on Bonnie Raitt's 1989 album also titled Nick of Time. I spent most of 1990 wearing out the cassette tape of this album. I LOVED every song on it. Interestingly, this song didn't move me any more than any of the rest. I was 24, wild, and free (and probably on birth control). I remember that summer almost every weekend a big group of friends and I would go up to the north Georgia mountains and have the most wonderful, carefree weekends. One girl would bring her guitar and we'd sit around and sing songs from this very album. I practically breathed this album. And I did not have a clue to what the verses above spoke.
These days, I've put this album on my phone. I was out walking this morning with my phone on shuffle mode going through all of the songs on it, but we came around to Nick of Time. Now it almost stops me in my tracks. When I was 37, I made up my mind that I just couldn't wait any more. I had to find a husband and get married. Luckily for me, my plan actually worked. We got married at 39. I was no longer listening to this song, but I was living it.
Isn't life funny.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Finally
The beta is in: 384 That's for 12dp3dt.
I'd say more, but I really want to eat and sleep. Just as it should be.
I'd say more, but I really want to eat and sleep. Just as it should be.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A quick word about snow and embryo transfers
Sadly, I wasn't able to get my beta yesterday. We got 7 inches of snow here. In the south 2 inches will shut everything down. We just don't get enough snow here for it to be feasible to invest in snow-moving or salt-spreading equipment. When we do get snow, it usually only hangs around for a day. Case in point, it's supposed to be 45 degrees today. So the long and the short of it is that my gynecologist's office was locked up nice and tight yesterday when I trekked the 4+ blocks through the snow, none of which had melted or been moved (see above), to go get my blood drawn. It was a good walk though. Walking through 7 inches of snow is kind of like walking in soft beach sand. I think I got a pretty nice butt workout.
Okay, I'm sure some people are going to see my blog about transferring 6 embryos and think we are crazy or just plain stupid. Therefore, I am going to go over a bit of history and the decision-making process so that all may see how we made our decision. And believe me, it wasn't an easy one.
Our first transfer which was about 1 1/2 years ago, we transferred 2 embies and got a BFN. Our 2nd tranfer was last fall. We thawed 8 and 4 of them survived. We tranferred all 4. At that point, we had enough information to think that there was no way I was going to get pg. We were dumbfounded when we got a positive beta. My RE had basically given us no hope. We tranferred 4 and we had one attach. We saw the HB at 5 weeks, 5 days, but 2 weeks later it had stopped. We were devastated by the loss, but at the same time had renewed hope. Even my RE changed her mind and said we could do it. We could get pg and have a healthy baby. She was wrong. How often do you hear an MD say that? So with renewed hope we set off to do another fresh cycle. We went to the best fertility clinic on the East Coast. This time, we knew so much more and we meant business.
As previously noted, we got 7 eggs, 7 of them fertilized and 6 of them grew to beautiful embies of 7 to 10 cells. There were 2 perfect 8 celled embies. I started out afraid to transfer 5, the minimum recommended number for my age. Cornell recommends a woman my age transfer 5 or 6. Why? Because the likelihood of any embryos created from the eggs of a 43 year old woman attaching is extremely low. Also, embryologists are still not to the point yet where they know which embryos really have the greatest chance of implanting. There are a whole lot of stories out there of not-so-good-looking embryos that drs don't think have a chance turning into healthy babies. I told my dr of my fears and he reminded me of the low likelihood of HOM's. In my age group, the chance of more than 2 embryos attaching to the womb is less than 10%. Couple that with the fact that any success at all is unlikely at my age and you've got some pretty dismal numbers. According to the CDC, the likelihood of a 43 yo woman conceiving through IVF with her own eggs is only about 11% (based on 2005 data). The percentage of 43 yo women who took home baby was only 4.9%.
So let's see... a less than 10% chance of HOM inside an 11% chance of any pregnancy at all. See what I mean, dismal.
So you see, it's not crazy. Now you may be thinking that we're crazy to try at all. Well, that may be, but we just believe that we will be the exception. Everything we've done has been a surprise to the drs; the way I've responded to the drugs, that I got pg at all. It's been one big exception to the rule after the next.
Let me be clear here. I don't think I would have felt the need at all to make this post if it weren't for Nadya. Bitch. She's going to screw it up for so many that come after us. There is already legislation being put forth in my state to limit the number of embryos transferred (more on that later).
Okay, I'm sure some people are going to see my blog about transferring 6 embryos and think we are crazy or just plain stupid. Therefore, I am going to go over a bit of history and the decision-making process so that all may see how we made our decision. And believe me, it wasn't an easy one.
Our first transfer which was about 1 1/2 years ago, we transferred 2 embies and got a BFN. Our 2nd tranfer was last fall. We thawed 8 and 4 of them survived. We tranferred all 4. At that point, we had enough information to think that there was no way I was going to get pg. We were dumbfounded when we got a positive beta. My RE had basically given us no hope. We tranferred 4 and we had one attach. We saw the HB at 5 weeks, 5 days, but 2 weeks later it had stopped. We were devastated by the loss, but at the same time had renewed hope. Even my RE changed her mind and said we could do it. We could get pg and have a healthy baby. She was wrong. How often do you hear an MD say that? So with renewed hope we set off to do another fresh cycle. We went to the best fertility clinic on the East Coast. This time, we knew so much more and we meant business.
As previously noted, we got 7 eggs, 7 of them fertilized and 6 of them grew to beautiful embies of 7 to 10 cells. There were 2 perfect 8 celled embies. I started out afraid to transfer 5, the minimum recommended number for my age. Cornell recommends a woman my age transfer 5 or 6. Why? Because the likelihood of any embryos created from the eggs of a 43 year old woman attaching is extremely low. Also, embryologists are still not to the point yet where they know which embryos really have the greatest chance of implanting. There are a whole lot of stories out there of not-so-good-looking embryos that drs don't think have a chance turning into healthy babies. I told my dr of my fears and he reminded me of the low likelihood of HOM's. In my age group, the chance of more than 2 embryos attaching to the womb is less than 10%. Couple that with the fact that any success at all is unlikely at my age and you've got some pretty dismal numbers. According to the CDC, the likelihood of a 43 yo woman conceiving through IVF with her own eggs is only about 11% (based on 2005 data). The percentage of 43 yo women who took home baby was only 4.9%.
So let's see... a less than 10% chance of HOM inside an 11% chance of any pregnancy at all. See what I mean, dismal.
So you see, it's not crazy. Now you may be thinking that we're crazy to try at all. Well, that may be, but we just believe that we will be the exception. Everything we've done has been a surprise to the drs; the way I've responded to the drugs, that I got pg at all. It's been one big exception to the rule after the next.
Let me be clear here. I don't think I would have felt the need at all to make this post if it weren't for Nadya. Bitch. She's going to screw it up for so many that come after us. There is already legislation being put forth in my state to limit the number of embryos transferred (more on that later).
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Clearly, I am not psychic....
...but I am pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I peed on a stick this morning. I know, I know, I said I'm not a girl that does that anymore. However, this time I was so certain that it had not worked that I wanted to go ahead and POAS to get to that terrible moment when I find out that I'm not pg over with. How wrong I was! It turned so fast that I was stunned by it. And we're not talking about a faint pink line. It was nice and dark...probably half as dark as the control line.
Poor DH. I did the test at 6 am. I think I scared him to death. He awoke from a dead sleep to my screaming. He had trouble waking up enough to grasp what was going on. Alas, when he did get it, we had a beautiful moment and just could not stop looking at the stick over and over and over again. It now sits on my bedside table right next to the photo of my embies. What a beautiful sight!
We are stunned. We are thrilled. I wish DH didn't have to fly off this afternoon to go work. I wish he could stay here with me and bask in the glow of my pregnancy.
Keep sending the good thoughts ladies. We need another 36 weeks of healthy pregnancy! Thank you so, so much for the support that you're sending me.
Poor DH. I did the test at 6 am. I think I scared him to death. He awoke from a dead sleep to my screaming. He had trouble waking up enough to grasp what was going on. Alas, when he did get it, we had a beautiful moment and just could not stop looking at the stick over and over and over again. It now sits on my bedside table right next to the photo of my embies. What a beautiful sight!
We are stunned. We are thrilled. I wish DH didn't have to fly off this afternoon to go work. I wish he could stay here with me and bask in the glow of my pregnancy.
Keep sending the good thoughts ladies. We need another 36 weeks of healthy pregnancy! Thank you so, so much for the support that you're sending me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Not Feeling It
I am so not feeling pg. With my last two transfers I was right about: 1st time, not being pg and 2nd time, being pg. I hope I'm wrong this time, but I'm just not feeling it.
I went outside this evening to try to get the cat in and I could hear a neighbor child talking. I just started crying. It was such a sweet, sweet sound to my ears. It made me ache.
I went outside this evening to try to get the cat in and I could hear a neighbor child talking. I just started crying. It was such a sweet, sweet sound to my ears. It made me ache.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Going Home
Hallelujah! I'm going home to sleep in my own bed and snuggle up with my sweet kitties.
I'm not feeling much. In fact, for most of yesterday I was convinced that nothin's cookin'. Then during the night I had some pains that have me wondering. It feels like the pains I'm having are in my left ovary, but I wonder if it just seems that way. My boobs are a little sensitive, but that could just be the progesterone. I don't want to get my hopes up on that point. Aaah, the fun, fun two week wait.
Anyway, I'm so ready to go home. It hit me on Sunday and I've just been so homesick since then. I really miss my cats and can't wait to get there to hug on them. I was teasing DH last night that I'm glad I have 2 days alone with the cats before he comes home on Thurs. My little kitty won't sleep in our bed when he's in it.
I've decided that I will POAS on Sun morning before he heads out of town again. Telling your DH your pg on the telephone is not the most fun. Let's hope it's positive just for the sake of my sanity. A negative HPT could send me into a downward spiral. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't think too much about it. I'll change my mind.
Bring on the warmer weather of the beautiful South.....whoohoo!
I'm not feeling much. In fact, for most of yesterday I was convinced that nothin's cookin'. Then during the night I had some pains that have me wondering. It feels like the pains I'm having are in my left ovary, but I wonder if it just seems that way. My boobs are a little sensitive, but that could just be the progesterone. I don't want to get my hopes up on that point. Aaah, the fun, fun two week wait.
Anyway, I'm so ready to go home. It hit me on Sunday and I've just been so homesick since then. I really miss my cats and can't wait to get there to hug on them. I was teasing DH last night that I'm glad I have 2 days alone with the cats before he comes home on Thurs. My little kitty won't sleep in our bed when he's in it.
I've decided that I will POAS on Sun morning before he heads out of town again. Telling your DH your pg on the telephone is not the most fun. Let's hope it's positive just for the sake of my sanity. A negative HPT could send me into a downward spiral. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't think too much about it. I'll change my mind.
Bring on the warmer weather of the beautiful South.....whoohoo!
Friday, February 20, 2009
The Count is Final , the Deed is Done
Six! There was one embie that looked as if it was going to arrest. After a discussion with my dr wherein he assured me that the chances of HOM are less than 10% we settled on transferring all of the good looking embies. They were all grades one and two; described by the dr as "beautiful," "perfect," and, my personal favorite, "textbook."
I did have a little breakdown b/c DH wasn't there with me. It was early on during the waiting pd. I did much better during the actual event. I have to confess though, I did ask the nurse to hold my hand during the procedure.
I went for acupuncture after and DH met me in the city and we went for a really wonderful dinner. After that, I did a little walking in the cold and wind. Whacha gonna do?
Stay tuned......it's just now getting good.
I should warn you. I'm not a POAS girl. I used to be, but got to the point that I just absolutely cannot face another negative HPT so I stay away from them. I think I'd lose my mind if I saw another negative. If I break on that point, you'll be the first to know.
I did have a little breakdown b/c DH wasn't there with me. It was early on during the waiting pd. I did much better during the actual event. I have to confess though, I did ask the nurse to hold my hand during the procedure.
I went for acupuncture after and DH met me in the city and we went for a really wonderful dinner. After that, I did a little walking in the cold and wind. Whacha gonna do?
Stay tuned......it's just now getting good.
I should warn you. I'm not a POAS girl. I used to be, but got to the point that I just absolutely cannot face another negative HPT so I stay away from them. I think I'd lose my mind if I saw another negative. If I break on that point, you'll be the first to know.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
7 mature, 7 fertilized
Way to go little eggs and little sperm. Mommy's so proud of you already! Grow, grow, grow!
I did talk to the nurse today about my fear of multiples. She said that the dr will talk with me about it prior to the procedure on Thursday and only do what I'm comfortable with. Whew! Everything happens so fast at Cornell and it's such and assembly line that I was worried that there would be no room for negotiation the day of. What really sucks is that DH will not be able to be there with me and I'm going to have to make the final call on my own. That's okay, I'm a big girl. I can do it.
I did talk to the nurse today about my fear of multiples. She said that the dr will talk with me about it prior to the procedure on Thursday and only do what I'm comfortable with. Whew! Everything happens so fast at Cornell and it's such and assembly line that I was worried that there would be no room for negotiation the day of. What really sucks is that DH will not be able to be there with me and I'm going to have to make the final call on my own. That's okay, I'm a big girl. I can do it.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Oocyte News
Quick update. We got 7 eggs. It's such a change from before that I think my mouth fell open when the dr told me. We're really pleased with that number, but I was really expecting to hear something like 12 based on my history. I'd like to not have to freeze any. I suppose we may have to freeze a few. In my age group the recommended number for transfer is 5 or6. I about ran screaming out of the pre-op meeting when I read that. We transferred 4 last time and had one attach. You'd think it wouldn't scare me so much, but I just feel so healthy right now. With the lower doses and all of the exercise I've gotten over the last 2 weeks around NYC, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Also, the treatment is just so much better. I just expect success -- ergo, I'm scared shitless of more than 2 attaching.
I don't want to be naive. I know the implantation rate for a 43 yo is really low, but damn, 5 or 6! What if some split and I'm the next Octomom!!!! I'm going to have to look closely at some statistics on this. If I don't find a comfort level or make a plan to transfer fewer, I'm going to be the first woman in the history of IVF that refuses to open her legs for ET! I can see it now...the staff will have to grab onto my thighs and try to pull them apart and I'll be squeezing like a good girl that found herself in the backseat of a car on a Saturday night!
I get my fertilization results tomorrow b/t 10am and 1pm. Check back in. Thanks for the well wishes.
I don't want to be naive. I know the implantation rate for a 43 yo is really low, but damn, 5 or 6! What if some split and I'm the next Octomom!!!! I'm going to have to look closely at some statistics on this. If I don't find a comfort level or make a plan to transfer fewer, I'm going to be the first woman in the history of IVF that refuses to open her legs for ET! I can see it now...the staff will have to grab onto my thighs and try to pull them apart and I'll be squeezing like a good girl that found herself in the backseat of a car on a Saturday night!
I get my fertilization results tomorrow b/t 10am and 1pm. Check back in. Thanks for the well wishes.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Greetings from NYC
I triggered last night!!!! Whoohooooo! I'm feeling great. I cannot believe how easy this cycle has been on me. I have had enough energy to enjoy the city and I haven't been uncomfortable. With my other 2 stim cycles, I was exhausted and my ovaries were so big that I had difficulty walking. I'm not kidding. Both times, they grew to the size of grapefruit. Holy crap it was uncomfortable. And now I know, unnecessary This treatment has been so much more gentle. No wonder Cornell has such great success rates. I told DH a few nights ago, "this is not IVF as we know it!" No mood swings, no depression, no mandatory afternoon naps...what's going on here? When I made that comment, I was in the process of mixing my drugs and DANCING to music on the tv. WTF - I would have no more thought of dancing with my prior stim cycles than retrieving my own eggs!
So, back to the story of now... I've got lots of nice follies and my uterus is 6.8 mm. It's just all good all around. I go in tomorrow early am for ER. Wish me luck!
We're staying in the city tonight and tomorrow, but we've been staying in NJ b/c DH is working there. I've been commuting in daily for monitoring. I've been getting up at 5 am every morning to commute in to be here by the 8:30 cut off for b/w & u/s. It really hasn't been bad. I come in and then I have the whole day to explore Manhattan. I haven't spent too, too much on clothes shopping. :-) I get pretty cheap when it comes to spending money on clothes and shoes so that slows me down. If it's not marked down several times, I have to be totally in love with it to buy it.
Hmmm, it just occurred to me that I started this blog to bitch and right now I don't have a damn thing to bitch about. I'm happy, healthy, and head-over-heals in love with my DH. Here's hoping I'll soon be pg and I can maintain this happiness.
See you on the other side of egg retrieval.
So, back to the story of now... I've got lots of nice follies and my uterus is 6.8 mm. It's just all good all around. I go in tomorrow early am for ER. Wish me luck!
We're staying in the city tonight and tomorrow, but we've been staying in NJ b/c DH is working there. I've been commuting in daily for monitoring. I've been getting up at 5 am every morning to commute in to be here by the 8:30 cut off for b/w & u/s. It really hasn't been bad. I come in and then I have the whole day to explore Manhattan. I haven't spent too, too much on clothes shopping. :-) I get pretty cheap when it comes to spending money on clothes and shoes so that slows me down. If it's not marked down several times, I have to be totally in love with it to buy it.
Hmmm, it just occurred to me that I started this blog to bitch and right now I don't have a damn thing to bitch about. I'm happy, healthy, and head-over-heals in love with my DH. Here's hoping I'll soon be pg and I can maintain this happiness.
See you on the other side of egg retrieval.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I'm still here
So I'm in NYC. I went for my first monitoring appt this am and took my first shots tonight. I was a big girl and did it without hesitating or pitching a fit or anything. I squeaked into the cycle with an FSH of 11.
I've been in the city since Tuesday and I'm enjoying it so much that I haven't wanted to sit down and type. Even now, I'm just rushing through so that I can get a good night's sleep. I've got a big day tomorrow. I've signed up for a photography workshop that I'm really looking forward to.
So for now thanks for reading and for wishing me well. I have some fun stuff to tell, but I've just got to wind down and get some rest.
I've been in the city since Tuesday and I'm enjoying it so much that I haven't wanted to sit down and type. Even now, I'm just rushing through so that I can get a good night's sleep. I've got a big day tomorrow. I've signed up for a photography workshop that I'm really looking forward to.
So for now thanks for reading and for wishing me well. I have some fun stuff to tell, but I've just got to wind down and get some rest.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Feeling my way
Just wondering how much I want to reveal on this blog. I wanted to stay anonymous so that I would be able to bitch about my DH, family, DH's family (oh yeah) and friends IRL. However, I'm still feeling uncomfortable being nasty because I worry that I'll hurt somebody's feelings.
It made me a little crazy to put enough information out there that my birth date can be extrapolated. Having a D&C the day before my b'day was such an important part of my journey I didn't feel that I could skip over that little tidbit of information. Crap, did that birthday suck!
I'm amazed at the women that blog about their IF openly. You chicks are brave! I have told NO ONE about this blog. I don't want anyone I know looking for it. God forbid someone I actually know start following my blog. I'd feel so restrained.
I'd be interested to hear the thoughts of you veteran bloggers on this issue. I assume you become more comfortable and forthcoming as time goes by.
It made me a little crazy to put enough information out there that my birth date can be extrapolated. Having a D&C the day before my b'day was such an important part of my journey I didn't feel that I could skip over that little tidbit of information. Crap, did that birthday suck!
I'm amazed at the women that blog about their IF openly. You chicks are brave! I have told NO ONE about this blog. I don't want anyone I know looking for it. God forbid someone I actually know start following my blog. I'd feel so restrained.
I'd be interested to hear the thoughts of you veteran bloggers on this issue. I assume you become more comfortable and forthcoming as time goes by.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Fear
How can you simultaneously want something so much and be so terribly afraid to do what you have to do to get that thing that you want so much?
In this case, of course, "that thing" is a baby. What I have to do to get it is submit my body to the freakish science of IVF again. Logically, I know that this cycle will be easier on my body. Emotionally, I'm scared shitless. The fresh cycles with the OHSS were so hard on my body. The first FET the Lupron made me a crazy, psycho-bitch-shell of myself.
Deep breath. I'm suppressing with BCP's there will be no Lupron. My stimulation drugs will be a fraction of what they were before. Even so, I've been fighting depression for the last week. Is it the impending cycle or is it the BCP's? I don't know if BCP's have ever caused me to be depressed. I was blissfully clueless about what was going on with my body when I was on BCP's in the past. Isn't it a joke that we ever did anything to keep from getting pg? Anyhoo, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm trying to talk myself through this. There's a part of me that wants to yell uncle, but what will that get me. Years of what could have been.
Hmm, I didn't even touch on the fear of another loss. I'm going to go try to work and take my mind off of all of this for a little while. Fat chance!
In this case, of course, "that thing" is a baby. What I have to do to get it is submit my body to the freakish science of IVF again. Logically, I know that this cycle will be easier on my body. Emotionally, I'm scared shitless. The fresh cycles with the OHSS were so hard on my body. The first FET the Lupron made me a crazy, psycho-bitch-shell of myself.
Deep breath. I'm suppressing with BCP's there will be no Lupron. My stimulation drugs will be a fraction of what they were before. Even so, I've been fighting depression for the last week. Is it the impending cycle or is it the BCP's? I don't know if BCP's have ever caused me to be depressed. I was blissfully clueless about what was going on with my body when I was on BCP's in the past. Isn't it a joke that we ever did anything to keep from getting pg? Anyhoo, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm trying to talk myself through this. There's a part of me that wants to yell uncle, but what will that get me. Years of what could have been.
Hmm, I didn't even touch on the fear of another loss. I'm going to go try to work and take my mind off of all of this for a little while. Fat chance!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thanks Ladies
I'm so very touched by the warm welcome that I've received from you ladies in the Land of IF and Blogging. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And we're off...
Got my period today. Will start BCP's on Friday and then stimulation drugs with the next cycle. I'm pretty excited now that it's real and underway. The limbo of waiting for AF was just that: limbo.
My hopes are sky high. I'm feeling nothing but positive for the outcome of this cycle.
I go in for testing and training on Monday. This clinic requires that you take a class so that you can be indoctrinated into their way of doing things. I suppose it's especially important to them for women like me who've been at another clinic for a while.
Looks like we should be on for a transfer sometime around the 3rd week of February.
My hopes are sky high. I'm feeling nothing but positive for the outcome of this cycle.
I go in for testing and training on Monday. This clinic requires that you take a class so that you can be indoctrinated into their way of doing things. I suppose it's especially important to them for women like me who've been at another clinic for a while.
Looks like we should be on for a transfer sometime around the 3rd week of February.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Joy
As of today, I'm officially back to yoga. I haven't gone regularly in such a long time. I think about a year. I tried a new studio and it went really well. I had a strange and really moving experience. The yogi said that she likes to have theme for each class and that today's theme was joy. She asked us to think back to a time when we felt pure joy and to remember it; what we heard, saw, smelled, the feelings. Of course, the first thing that came to mind for me was finding out that I was pg. I can't think of a moment in my life that was more joyful than that. Sadly, it's just not really possible to only think about finding out that I was pg....that moved right on to thinking about losing the pg. I started crying right there in yoga. I didn't lose it full-on like I wanted to, but I just had a beautiful moment right there in that place. I took stock of the joy and the sadness. It's what I had intended to do on New Year's Eve, but I just never really felt it on New Year's.
The other thing that I want to say about joy is how I lost it for so long and I'm glad that it's back. For so much of the time that I've been dealing with IF, I was completely unable to experience joy in anything. It was just utterly absent from my life. The pg changed that. The amazing thing is that even with the m/c, the capacity for joy did not leave me. I think it's because as horrible as that loss was, for me, it was not as bad as all those stupid, hiddeous negatives. After having been pg, I suddenly was able to find hope where there had been none. Apparently, hope is the precurser to joy.
Joy. I intend to have a great deal more of it in this lifetime.
The other thing that I want to say about joy is how I lost it for so long and I'm glad that it's back. For so much of the time that I've been dealing with IF, I was completely unable to experience joy in anything. It was just utterly absent from my life. The pg changed that. The amazing thing is that even with the m/c, the capacity for joy did not leave me. I think it's because as horrible as that loss was, for me, it was not as bad as all those stupid, hiddeous negatives. After having been pg, I suddenly was able to find hope where there had been none. Apparently, hope is the precurser to joy.
Joy. I intend to have a great deal more of it in this lifetime.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Ramblings
Ugh! I've got too much crap rolling around in my head. How long will it take to purge some of the frustration and clutter to get to the girl I know is in there. I used to be clever and funny. That was before I met my new friend Lupron. Oh, what a good, good friend indeed. HA! Lupron is a traitor to my body. Thank goodness I get to cycle without it this time. It was too easy. My old RE always said that you couldn't do IVF without Lupron. My new one....I just mentioned what a horrifically difficult time I had on the drug and he says, "Okay, we'll just suppress BCP's!" It was so easy. I really credit Lupron with the failure of FET#1. I was such a complete mess. No living being was going to be attaching itself to that crazy woman's uterus.
I've been a lump on a log today. I had 3 glasses of wine last night and it gave me a bit of a hangover. Sad really, isn't it? When you go 3 years without alcohol, that's what happens. It actually doesn't even take 3 glasses. I get a headache after only 2 glasses of wine these days. The quest for baby had changed me in so many ways that I'll probably be realizing new ones for the next 30 years. So today I hung out on the couch with my cats. Not a bad way to spend a day.
I woke up at 4 am with the anxiety of a new cycle bouncing around in my head. I want to do it. I'm scared to do it. I'm scared not to do it. Hell, it appears that I'm just scared. Every time we get close I start getting really afraid of actually having a baby. Even while I was pregnant, I was terrified of the actuality of it. I suppose every pg woman is. You'd think that weeks of poking yourself with needles and loading your body full on hormones would prepare you. I mean really, you're doing all of this to get pg! Then you are and OH SHIT! It's the happiest, most wonderful, most terrifying thing that can ever happen to a human. Oh, my goodness! That phone call when I found out that I was pg. That's what I need to be thinking about now; while I'm nervous about cycling. The pure unadulterated happiness that I felt for the 4 weeks that I knew that my body was growing a sweet, precious baby. Oh, it ended too, too soon, but it was the sweetest time of my life. I wouldn't give up that experience for anything. Even though I miscarried, it made all of the pain and suffering worth it. And it shall be worth it again.
Ladies and gentlemen: I am going to do another fresh IVF cycle. And I will not fear (okay, I will, but I won't let it slow me down). Aunt Flow, please come for a visit so that I may get this show on the road!
I've been a lump on a log today. I had 3 glasses of wine last night and it gave me a bit of a hangover. Sad really, isn't it? When you go 3 years without alcohol, that's what happens. It actually doesn't even take 3 glasses. I get a headache after only 2 glasses of wine these days. The quest for baby had changed me in so many ways that I'll probably be realizing new ones for the next 30 years. So today I hung out on the couch with my cats. Not a bad way to spend a day.
I woke up at 4 am with the anxiety of a new cycle bouncing around in my head. I want to do it. I'm scared to do it. I'm scared not to do it. Hell, it appears that I'm just scared. Every time we get close I start getting really afraid of actually having a baby. Even while I was pregnant, I was terrified of the actuality of it. I suppose every pg woman is. You'd think that weeks of poking yourself with needles and loading your body full on hormones would prepare you. I mean really, you're doing all of this to get pg! Then you are and OH SHIT! It's the happiest, most wonderful, most terrifying thing that can ever happen to a human. Oh, my goodness! That phone call when I found out that I was pg. That's what I need to be thinking about now; while I'm nervous about cycling. The pure unadulterated happiness that I felt for the 4 weeks that I knew that my body was growing a sweet, precious baby. Oh, it ended too, too soon, but it was the sweetest time of my life. I wouldn't give up that experience for anything. Even though I miscarried, it made all of the pain and suffering worth it. And it shall be worth it again.
Ladies and gentlemen: I am going to do another fresh IVF cycle. And I will not fear (okay, I will, but I won't let it slow me down). Aunt Flow, please come for a visit so that I may get this show on the road!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Here I go....
If I don't get some of this pent up angst out, I'm going to blow. Hello blog world.
It's a new year and I should be hopeful, but I'm not. Not really. I'm trying to be. After 3 failed IVF attempts, our 4th led to a pregnancy in August '08. Sadly, it ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was devastated, but now it seems so incredibly distant. Almost like it happened so someone else. Now we're off to cycle again at Cornell. The doctor is hopeful, my husband is hopeful, everyone is expecting a positive outcome. Why can't I?
I think I'm numb to all things related to my fertility, or lack thereof, just now. What is going on? When I found out at Christmas that my nephew's wife is pg with their 2nd child, I was only mildly upset about it. What happened to the days of distress and gnashing of teeth that used to go along with a pg announcement. I had become so accustomed to being that woman that I feel disoriented now. I was comfortable in my bitter infertile woman role. Being infertile and non-violent feels very foreign and uncomfortable.
So here we go....I have to find out who I am....again.
A note about the blog title, Wombded. After a particulary dreadful hysteroscopy and D&C last spring, I was inconsolable. The news about my uterus was all bad and the RE gave us very little hope of future success. I was in a great amount of pain. My womb was wounded. As I was being wheeled to the car in my foggy state of recovery, the only thing that kept running through my mind was "I'm wombded." The pain was unbearable, the description incredibly apropo.
It's a new year and I should be hopeful, but I'm not. Not really. I'm trying to be. After 3 failed IVF attempts, our 4th led to a pregnancy in August '08. Sadly, it ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was devastated, but now it seems so incredibly distant. Almost like it happened so someone else. Now we're off to cycle again at Cornell. The doctor is hopeful, my husband is hopeful, everyone is expecting a positive outcome. Why can't I?
I think I'm numb to all things related to my fertility, or lack thereof, just now. What is going on? When I found out at Christmas that my nephew's wife is pg with their 2nd child, I was only mildly upset about it. What happened to the days of distress and gnashing of teeth that used to go along with a pg announcement. I had become so accustomed to being that woman that I feel disoriented now. I was comfortable in my bitter infertile woman role. Being infertile and non-violent feels very foreign and uncomfortable.
So here we go....I have to find out who I am....again.
A note about the blog title, Wombded. After a particulary dreadful hysteroscopy and D&C last spring, I was inconsolable. The news about my uterus was all bad and the RE gave us very little hope of future success. I was in a great amount of pain. My womb was wounded. As I was being wheeled to the car in my foggy state of recovery, the only thing that kept running through my mind was "I'm wombded." The pain was unbearable, the description incredibly apropo.
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