Looking back at the year that was, 2010

As I look back at the outgoing year, I can say it was pretty decent. I mean, I had a lot of plans set up, I had so many action plans made... None were accomplished due to certain reasons and pity excuses, but still, I survived this year and it's good, I am still thankful for all the blessings I got and the things and people I have in my life.

I got diagnosed with HIV this year, and it was definitely an eye opener. Learning that I will someday struggle each day to live with caution beyond the ability of a normal human being was overwhelming. The idea grew on me, and I got used to it. Now, sometimes I forget that I have a condition, that is careless 'though. Learning I am living with HIV opened new doors for me. As some doors open, others closed. I did close my door to one person I greatly regret meeting and I only written once about him, I made poetry for him, one last poem for one last good-bye.

2010, was a struggle for me, financially. I never got depressed so much about money until this year. Thinking about the budget and learning new ways to stretch it from payday to payday is such an ordain that I don't want to experience anymore. Money is so important for me at this age, because I grew up having too little of it.

I met P this year, and he is just the sweetest man I have. He is the tickle of my sad soul.

My dad and I grew closer more than ever, since he knew about my condition. We really don't know each other that much, and for him to make up for the lost time is such a rush, because he knows that I will not be here longer than he expects. My mom, well, we grew closer too, in a good way, she changed in a good way too. I have not written about her in my blog, because we had issues. Hopefully the issues are flushed out from our system after our holiday shopping this season.

This year I started to finally blog continuously, hits were quite nice and I enjoyed writing about my life and my wanderings. I gained friends, and talked to a handful of interesting personalities, I also learned a lot from reading other people's blogs. A lot inspired me too! It is such a delight to view life from another person's perspective, somehow, you get to know that person and how his life is, I have my favorites. To everyone, I thank you for reading my blog and being there when I got sick, depressed, or having an "episodal" attack, or during the times that I am happy; as well as during times of just flat posts. I really appreciate everything, and I am thankful for all your support and for following the story of my life through blogosphere. I will continue to blog, I will continue to share my story and the stories that I have and will be learning along my journey. I might have been on hiatus from blogging this holiday season, but I am back, this is one of my few passions, and the flame will continue burning.

Happy new year, everyone!

"Remembering Sunday"

By All Time Low

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze remembering Sunday
He falls to his knees, they had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

And even though she doesn't believe in love
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

There's a neighbor said, she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense

Oh, I can see now
That all of these clouds are following me
In my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be

I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair

And out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world
So many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds
Towering over your head

Well I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...

I guess I'll go home.

"Lost"

I left the Planet of Romeo

I have been in the online dating scene for quite a long time, and I am very happy to admit that I have met very few good men. Because of my "non-commercial" taste in men and my aloofness in meeting strangers online, meet-ups were all worth my time. I can also say that in many years that I have been online, I only met quite a handful, they were carefully filtered, and I can still count them in one hand.

I have two profiles in Planetromeo.com, 1 have a normal one, that has my face pics and states how normal I am, and another one that says I have HIV and has a body pic with 6 pack abs, of course that was my real photo. The HIV profile was created a week ago and have received an overwhelmingly high number of views, the sad part is, almost nobody sent me a message. If there was any it was of pity, or questions like... "Why are you here?" "Why do you have HIV?" "Are you really sick?" "Why are you still in this site and spreading the virus?"

Some questions are really just annoying. Of course, because of my willingness to educate, I answered some, with detailed explanations. I have experienced stigmas. I have a great body pic and showed significant signs of intelligence in my profile statements, I got a lot of views, but as I said, only questions were mostly sent. I feel that they were afraid of me, I felt like an outcast of society, online at least. I felt nobody wanted me because I have HIV.

There were two guys, hot guys, who offered sex despite of me being HIV positive. They were hot, horny and not afraid of the virus. They know all about it and the needed precautions, which I admired. I refused the offer, I did not hesitate to tell them that sex is the least of my priorities. I always have great respect for my body, now that I have a new lease on life; that respect is greater than ever.

To the normal profile, same shit goes, the usual "hellos", the usual conversations, the usual cycle. It is just so tiring to find myself in great conversation with someone whose words are just like gravity to me. After a while, we text, then we talk on the phone; which is the last thing in my "pre-meet-up" process. I may sound shallow, but sometimes it all ends there. One phone call is all it takes for me to judge if the person I have been exchanging messages with online is someone I might like as a whole. Come on, I may say that I am looking for new friends, but my primary goal on why I am there in that website is to somehow get hooked up with someone that can be a possible boyfriend. So, if I don't like the way he sounds over the phone or if we don't have anything to talk about at all, that's it! Then the cycle begins once more. I send someone a message or someone sends me message and there it goes again... Blah, blah, blah, blah...

It's tiring.

I realized that if I want to meet new people, it will be in the more "socially-present" way. Where I can see them, they can see me, and there are actual eye contacts as well as actual verbal exchanges. Sure, I closed a big door of opportunities of meeting someone significant with tens of thousands of gay men online, but if the cycle of "his" and "hellos" continues, I might be a zombie someday. I don't want to be a slave to the monotony of the online dating scene, I don't want to be a part of the cycle anymore. I value eye to eye contact, that way, there are instances of proper observation, communication, attraction, gravitation. Unlike online, there are these abrupt feelings and thoughts that I often undergo and let go... "I like you"-> "I am thinking of you"->"I really like you"->"I think it's time for us to meet"->"I got turned off because you were wearing pointed leather shoes and has Lady Gaga shades and we have nothing in common to talk about anymore, because you love to listen to pop music and I like rock, because you love chick flicks and I don't, because you love shopping and I don't, because you adore Lady Gaga so much you are as Gaga as her and I just want to shoot you down with a Bullet with Butterfly Wings". Although I haven't met anyone like that, yet, through online dating. I can tell, through the conversations and seemingly endless discussions and phone calls and of course... Facebook! It feels like an emotional car crash. Undergoing that cycle several times in a year is fucking sick! So sick it makes me puke and go all berserk! I'm just so tired of it.

So without any second thoughts, I deleted the two profiles, with them are my angst in this crazy game of meet-ups, hang-ups, and break-ups!