You know that saying about the path to hell being paved with good intentions? Well, clearly it's true. Which is my way of explaining my long absence. Life got in the way and then I would forget or get busy again and then forget again. Oops! But I've missed getting my thoughts out and am going to try and recommit to this ol' thing. Does anyone even still blog? I feel like everyone has left and is on social media. Makes me sad.
Anyway, nothing has really changed. Still engaged, still chugging away with my slow ass Etsy shop and even slower photography. I've temporarily given up on job hunting because it's depressing as hell. I'm tired of being poor though and pray things pick up. Or I win the lottery, which I don't play, or that I get inheritance from a long lost relative...you know, anything that is totally logical and realistic!
M and I were in a car accident about a month ago. We were rear-ended by a school bus, a legit yellow school bus, which did have a couple of high school kids on it. None of them were hurt, thankfully. I ended up with a concussion and M with a hurt back. I've never had a concussion before and it's been a challenge, to say the least. The memory problems scare me, calling items by the wrong name is also concerning, and the headaches are a real downer.
It so happened that the accident occurred on our four year anniversary. Terrific timing, yes? We were running errands before coming home to cook a romantic dinner. Ended up in an ambulance and falling into bed late that night exhausted and sore and hurting like crazy instead. We are very fortunate that it wasn't much worse. My car has already been repaired and I'm thankful for that as well.
It's been a hard Summer, y'all. A real ass kicker. I hope like crazy things turn around soon because I feel like I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind.
Showing posts with label my health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my health. Show all posts
July 8, 2017
September 29, 2014
Go Home, October
The calendar is about to turn to October and if you've been following me since the start, then you know how much I adore Autumn. I love everything about this season and October has long been my most favorite month. But, now, it's really lost a lot of it's appeal. You see, October is when XH and I became us, all those years ago. In fact, it would have been 15 years this month. Instead whatever use to be us is forever lost and frozen in time at thirteen years. The other thing that makes this month hard is the other significant date that coincidentally also happened in October. And that is the date XH called me and confessed his desire for a divorce. I have a thing about synchronicity and the fact that we both started and ended in October just resonates with me. Never-mind that we married in July and our divorce finalized in December. Even though those actual dates show synchronicity too, but I digress.
October is also the month my Dad had his massive bilateral stroke in 2008. That set us down the path of colon cancer and the slow realization that his time with us was very limited. We ended up starting hospice care for him three years later in October 2011 and he died five weeks later, in December.
It's the above reasons that make October and December so bittersweet, so emotionally taxing. I'm happily decorating the house in all it's Halloween splendor. I'm gleefully buying/drinking/eating all the pumpkin spiced goods. I'm thrilled to be planning trips to the corn maze, pumpkin patch, haunted houses, and the Renaissance Festival. I haven't yet pulled out the leggings, tights, light sweaters, and boots because Houston hasn't gotten the memo that Autumn has officially started, but I know it's only a matter of time! The coziness of the next three months is about to start and I do love it. But, fuck, it's bittersweet.
Things have been hard lately, I'm not going to lie. My health issues are a hard pill to swallow. Things are weird with a couple of my friends. I'm stressed about my continued non-luck with job hunting. And, this shit with XH is weighing on me too. Add to that some pregnancy announcements and me missing my Dad and it makes for one emotional Amanda.
::September 28th was my 6th blogoversary! Imagine me throwing confetti all over you and giving you a huge hug. If you are ever in my hood, I'm totally buying you a drink! Much love to all of you who have been here from the early days, if you in fact are still following along..lol::
October is also the month my Dad had his massive bilateral stroke in 2008. That set us down the path of colon cancer and the slow realization that his time with us was very limited. We ended up starting hospice care for him three years later in October 2011 and he died five weeks later, in December.
It's the above reasons that make October and December so bittersweet, so emotionally taxing. I'm happily decorating the house in all it's Halloween splendor. I'm gleefully buying/drinking/eating all the pumpkin spiced goods. I'm thrilled to be planning trips to the corn maze, pumpkin patch, haunted houses, and the Renaissance Festival. I haven't yet pulled out the leggings, tights, light sweaters, and boots because Houston hasn't gotten the memo that Autumn has officially started, but I know it's only a matter of time! The coziness of the next three months is about to start and I do love it. But, fuck, it's bittersweet.
Things have been hard lately, I'm not going to lie. My health issues are a hard pill to swallow. Things are weird with a couple of my friends. I'm stressed about my continued non-luck with job hunting. And, this shit with XH is weighing on me too. Add to that some pregnancy announcements and me missing my Dad and it makes for one emotional Amanda.
::September 28th was my 6th blogoversary! Imagine me throwing confetti all over you and giving you a huge hug. If you are ever in my hood, I'm totally buying you a drink! Much love to all of you who have been here from the early days, if you in fact are still following along..lol::
September 11, 2014
Things suck lately
Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
August 14, 2014
Weaning off
A month-long silence, what can I say? Life has been busy. Our vacation to New Orleans and Panama City Beach was amazing and very fun. We had a blast together. We spent most nights sitting on the beach, drinking a beer, and staring up at countless stars. Neither of us wanted to leave and we already want to go back. The day we left, one of my BFFs texted with the news that her Dad was in his final stages of his cancer. We rushed back and pretty much went straight to the hospital. I left town, briefly, to attend a wedding and he passed while I was there. We immediately returned after the wedding and I spent the week with her. It was very hard, and still is very hard, to watch her go through what I went through. I've known D since we were twelve and thirteen, we are so much alike it's weird and our dads were very similar in personality too. It's just heartbreaking to be unable to stop her pain. But, I must say, her strength and grace is beautiful. She's a tough lady.
I'm also in the process of a major step in the weaning off of my anti-depressants and it's not very pretty. My moods are all over the place and it's annoying. I'm so cranky because I'm not sleeping well and my anxiety attacks have returned. But, I'm still determined to get off them, so I'm just trying to cope and adjust. Poor M is being such a trooper, especially since my bad moods are fun to witness. He takes it in stride though and doesn't hesitate to gently tell me I'm being a beast when it's really bad.
I've been on them for three years and when I think about just how bad my depression was before the anti-depressants, I panic a little about going off them. But I really think it's for the best. I'm in a much better place now and coping with everything well. I can't explain why I'm so adamant about this, something inside is just telling me it's time. When I made the decision to stop them, I had a long talk with M about it. I told him what I was like before them and how my depression affected me. I've told him what to watch for and he asks nightly about how I'm doing. The first sign I'm getting depressed or suicidal, I'm getting back on them. But, so far, I'm ok. No dark thoughts. It's a relief!
My Dad would have turned 57 this weekend. I miss him so very much. Cancer is a bitch.
I'm also in the process of a major step in the weaning off of my anti-depressants and it's not very pretty. My moods are all over the place and it's annoying. I'm so cranky because I'm not sleeping well and my anxiety attacks have returned. But, I'm still determined to get off them, so I'm just trying to cope and adjust. Poor M is being such a trooper, especially since my bad moods are fun to witness. He takes it in stride though and doesn't hesitate to gently tell me I'm being a beast when it's really bad.
I've been on them for three years and when I think about just how bad my depression was before the anti-depressants, I panic a little about going off them. But I really think it's for the best. I'm in a much better place now and coping with everything well. I can't explain why I'm so adamant about this, something inside is just telling me it's time. When I made the decision to stop them, I had a long talk with M about it. I told him what I was like before them and how my depression affected me. I've told him what to watch for and he asks nightly about how I'm doing. The first sign I'm getting depressed or suicidal, I'm getting back on them. But, so far, I'm ok. No dark thoughts. It's a relief!
My Dad would have turned 57 this weekend. I miss him so very much. Cancer is a bitch.
May 9, 2013
Severe Depression
It's funny to me how I'm able to convince myself of the most insane lies. It takes a really low point before I can see the truth through the lies I fill my head with. I've been avoiding my blog because it's easier than explaining how complicated and confusing my feelings are. I've been ignoring my divorce, which still isn't final, because it's easier than admitting my marriage is over. I avoid C, I avoid praying, I avoid my feelings and cling to my lies. My lies comfort me and allow me to wake up in the morning and face another day but then, even my lies start to crack and the feelings start to creep in and it's just too much to process. I then start to hate facing another day, another day of boredom and sadness and living with the fact that C doesn't love me anymore. But, I do it, I go to work, interact with my family and drink myself silly on the weekends with my friends. Drinking helps me feel something other than darkness and it does worry me but since I only drink on the weekends, I feel like I have it under control.
I miss C more than I can fully admit and it's a struggle every day to not call him. I still have a hard time believing this is actually happening, which makes me question my sanity. I tell myself that it's hard to accept because he's all I've known for 13 years and that of course I miss him but that one day, I'll get over him. I tell myself I have to move on so I flirt with guys and makeout with them in random bars. I laugh and joke and go shopping but nothing touches the hole inside me, nothing. It's just there, every day, reminding me of what I don't have anymore. It use to be ok and I'd have several good days, even weeks, but then it started getting bad more and more until every day is just bleak now. I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water and it's the worst, most lonely feeling in the world.
I hate my depression and I ignore it for as long as I can because I just don't want to surrender to it, I don't want to feel the hopelessness or the emptiness or see just how dark the tunnel is becoming again. It's a terrible place to be in mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But ignoring it leads to me feeling like I'm sinking and like I'm barely staying afloat. So, it's back to the doctor to adjust medication and find a really great therapist. A huge part of my depression is the fact that Carlos fed my fantasy, the fantasy of lies I lived in to make my life bearable when the IF and my Dad was just too much reality for me to live in. It became exhausting for him to keep the fantasy alive and so our marriage failed. With the end of my marriage, came the end of my fantasy and living in reality is just too much for me. I see that and now I'm getting help because being severely depressed and just not wanting to exist anymore is no way to live.
I miss C more than I can fully admit and it's a struggle every day to not call him. I still have a hard time believing this is actually happening, which makes me question my sanity. I tell myself that it's hard to accept because he's all I've known for 13 years and that of course I miss him but that one day, I'll get over him. I tell myself I have to move on so I flirt with guys and makeout with them in random bars. I laugh and joke and go shopping but nothing touches the hole inside me, nothing. It's just there, every day, reminding me of what I don't have anymore. It use to be ok and I'd have several good days, even weeks, but then it started getting bad more and more until every day is just bleak now. I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water and it's the worst, most lonely feeling in the world.
I hate my depression and I ignore it for as long as I can because I just don't want to surrender to it, I don't want to feel the hopelessness or the emptiness or see just how dark the tunnel is becoming again. It's a terrible place to be in mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But ignoring it leads to me feeling like I'm sinking and like I'm barely staying afloat. So, it's back to the doctor to adjust medication and find a really great therapist. A huge part of my depression is the fact that Carlos fed my fantasy, the fantasy of lies I lived in to make my life bearable when the IF and my Dad was just too much reality for me to live in. It became exhausting for him to keep the fantasy alive and so our marriage failed. With the end of my marriage, came the end of my fantasy and living in reality is just too much for me. I see that and now I'm getting help because being severely depressed and just not wanting to exist anymore is no way to live.
September 15, 2011
my health is turning on me
Ignoring what your body is trying to tell you is never a good idea but apparently I am an idiot. It all started with my right shoulder hurting on Friday night and by Saturday evening, if I laid on my right side, my shoulder and my chest would hurt so bad I couldn't breath. Sunday afternoon I put a heating pad on my shoulder and realized my chest was hurting now too. I briefly worried about a heart attack but I popped some aspirin and when it that seemed to help, I dismissed it. Monday night I had C put some icy hot type stuff on my shoulder (thinking I had pulled something in my shoulder) and noticed my heart was racing but being the genius I am, I ignored that too. Tuesday morning, I was sitting on my bed folding laundry and suddenly couldn't breath, it was like I had ran 5 miles, that kind of out of breath. I was scared but left that afternoon to run some errands anyway, I noticed I was also really hot and sweating. When I got back home, my chest was hurting so bad and I was having such a hard time breathing, I decided to take my blood pressure with the little cuff we have here. It was 154/96 so I texted my midwife friend and told her what had been happening, she immediately called and said she was on her way to take me to the emergency room.
In the 10 minutes it took her to get here, my arms started going numb. 20 minutes later in the ER, my blood pressure was 194/118 and my pulse was 140. They immediately whisked me back and started running all kinds of tests and pushing bp meds into me. I didn't get scared until C walked in, then I started to cry a little. After my bp started going down, the doctors started lecturing me about how if I hadn't come in when I did, I could have passed out and went into cardiac arrest. About how important it is to take care of yourself and listen to your body. I know they are right but they were annoying the hell out of me. They also gave me a pregnancy test, which I loudly complained about because I told them repeatedly we were IF and had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. C griped at me for being so difficult about that but I hate that shit so much. Especially when my nurse told me, "Doctors are wrong all the time!!" STFU.
Anyway, I have bp meds now and an appt tomorrow with my doctor to followup on it. It's amazing how much better I feel now with the medicine in me. That makes me happy but it also makes me realize just how bad I was feeling before. I guess I had been feeling like crap for so long that I got used to it until it got really bad. I've been taking it easy the past couple of days and trying to eat better. I've also been thanking God that I have good friends who show up at the drop of a hat to take me to the hospital. I'm mad at myself for ignoring what my body was trying to tell me and I will never, ever do that again.
In the 10 minutes it took her to get here, my arms started going numb. 20 minutes later in the ER, my blood pressure was 194/118 and my pulse was 140. They immediately whisked me back and started running all kinds of tests and pushing bp meds into me. I didn't get scared until C walked in, then I started to cry a little. After my bp started going down, the doctors started lecturing me about how if I hadn't come in when I did, I could have passed out and went into cardiac arrest. About how important it is to take care of yourself and listen to your body. I know they are right but they were annoying the hell out of me. They also gave me a pregnancy test, which I loudly complained about because I told them repeatedly we were IF and had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. C griped at me for being so difficult about that but I hate that shit so much. Especially when my nurse told me, "Doctors are wrong all the time!!" STFU.
Anyway, I have bp meds now and an appt tomorrow with my doctor to followup on it. It's amazing how much better I feel now with the medicine in me. That makes me happy but it also makes me realize just how bad I was feeling before. I guess I had been feeling like crap for so long that I got used to it until it got really bad. I've been taking it easy the past couple of days and trying to eat better. I've also been thanking God that I have good friends who show up at the drop of a hat to take me to the hospital. I'm mad at myself for ignoring what my body was trying to tell me and I will never, ever do that again.
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