I went to the gym today. I tend to go a few times a week. Today I decided I wanted to try out something new and join a class I have never participated in before. Going up to the instructor and asking what I needed was awkward, but alas I did it and am so grateful I did!
I tried a Step Class for the very first time! Total Jane Fonda style, but oh so much hotter. I was sweating like a cow in my new long sleeved moisture wiccing shirt and long tight @$$ leggings. Have I ever mentioned I have issues with anything that covers my knees or even quarter length sleeves? I was the poster child for sex appeal as I plie'd and pirouetted up and down off of that step. There was a moment when we were jumping across the top of the step that I may have put a bit too much jump into it. Landing with a slight umpf and extra funk in my step, I recovered beautifully.
(Yes... this is me... and no I'm not stepping... however I am running. So, you can picture it right?)
A slight butt cramp in my left cheek and a spasm in my right thigh I completed that class with grace. Perhaps not honor- but total grace.
The instructor came up to give me a sweaty elbow "high-five" and told me I did great. She had to tell me that since she's the instructor, but I soaked it up. I opened my mouth and I don't know why- but I spouted out word vomit all over her 5 foot thin and perfectly shaped body.
Have you ever done that?
Just started talking and all shots are off? Choking on word barf as you are actually turning shades of purple and yet... you still can't stop?
Yup. Apparently I have mastered this art. And said instructor has mastered slowly walking away while trying to run for her life.
Standing alone and feeling slightly stupid I started to feel sort of sorry for myself. And lonely. Isn't that interesting? I felt TOTALLY naked and lonely. Walking out of the exercise room staring down my reflection in the mirror that spans the entire width of the room, I tried to gather what was left of my sorry soppy pride. Scuttling down the hall I went to get a towel to help mop up my pit stains that were no longer isolated to my pits, I saw the chance to redeem myself!
A little old lady! In fact, THE little old lady that had saved me before Step had even started. I guess you are supposed to check to make sure your "stands" that raise the base of the bench are set into place so you don't die or break a leg. She saw that mine wasn't secured and rescued me as I was getting ready to heave my gigantic self onto it.
One.
Two.
"STOPPPPPP!!!!"
I was grateful for that little old lady. :) And quite impressed. She danced all around me and then was ready for more even after the class was finished!
So as I was passing her in the hallway I bent down to her level (first mistake) and said as loudly (second mistake) and as jovially as I could muster, "WOW. I SURE LOVED THAT CLASS!!!"
"WHAAAAAAT????" she said quite loudly herself as she squinted right back at me.
Again, starting another round of the purples I mumbled, "I really enjoyed that class!"
"GOOD. Now make sure you come back then."
And with that she walked off, leaving me alone and stupid all over again.
"What the heck!!! I must be all sorts of nasty right now" I thought to myself as I gathered that much needed towel. Entering the cardio/ weights room I found the quietest corner I could squeeze myself into to stretch out my assaulted muscles. Putting my hot pink child sized ear buds into my ears I turned on my purple IPOD shuffle. And I had a moment.
I had a eye-watering-throat-choking-moment. Bending over to stretch my back and hamstrings I tried to regain my composure. I didn't want anyone to look over and see me not only purple faced, but with a full on ugly cry going.
The most beautiful song came on that reminded me of my importance. I know it seems silly, but when you have a lot of weight to lose, you feel sort of invisible. I may be the size of a baby elephant- but I feel as small an ant sometimes. I have learned that in order for me to be successful I need to have a lot of emotional support. That includes feeling noticed. Feeling important. Feeling present. And when you go to a gym as a large woman- it's easy to not feel ANY of those things.
But here's the thing this song reminded me of. It isn't anyone else's problem if I don't feel those things. It's MY problem. It's MY perspective. I need to turn my own perspective around and know that the only person that is either hurting or benefiting from my feelings is me. Being present is what I was being when I went to the gym this morning. Being present and trying to be healthy is what I am aiming for every day as I continue to fight this awful disease of obesity.
So maybe I may feel inadequate and self-conscious... and maybe I was judged by a few young bippidy boppidy girls that haven't lived a full life yet, I know that I am important. I am WORTH IT. And I am a work in progress and always will be.
And that makes me... me. :)
So next time you're at the gym don't give the fat girl any pitying glances or smiles of encouragement. Get your sexy beast of a person out of your comfort zone and just go say "hi." Who knows. You may make a new friend- or get your trash kicked.
It's worth a shot right?
Song: Closer to You by Calee Reed.
Closer To You sample
