Conversation With Mom 7

You and I

Mom, I dreamed of you last night. I was crying and telling Along could we please visit you at the hospital since we haven't been to see you ever since you were admitted. I said how could we not go and visit Mom. We don't know what is happening with Mom at the hospital. It was like we have forgotten you at the hospital. I was really upset and then I woke up and realized you were already gone and that it's not that we have forgotten to visit you at the hospital, it's that you are gone and no longer in the hospital for us to visit you.

Mom, I miss you so much. I looked at the pictures that have you in it and I ache for things to be as they were. I ache to have you near me once more.

On the 24th of September, we went to Chenor to have your kalang (grave base) fixed. Your place of rest now is resplendent Mom. We finally managed to house your grave. Your grave looks wonderful now mom.

Abang, Me and Dad at your grave

Along took the picture above. We were reciting Al-Fatihah at your grave after your kalang was fixed.

Before the kalang was fixed, Abang and I talked with you. Telling you about what we have been up to - what we wished we could have shared with you.

Dad cried. He misses you just as much (if not more) as we do.

Mom, you were gone too soon.

I miss you every single day and sometimes it's even hard for me to breathe thinking of how on your last days on earth you had a machine breathing for you. I know you were in terrible pain at the end and it was Merciful of Allah to end your life for otherwise you would have only suffered further. But still, the ache in me wished you are still around.

It's hard going through daily routine when suddenly I would turn around and expect to see you only to be jarred by the reality that you are no longer there for mt eyes to see.

Mom, soon it'll be your one year anniversary. I don't know what that's supposed to mean other than that's how long you've been gone. Still feel just like yesterday when last I saw you alive. 

Pain is a constant companion ever since you went back to the Almighty Allah. All I can do now is send you a prayer that you are among the faithful and that your soul is at rest. I pray daily that me missing you so bad here does not affect your soul and make it restless.

Al-Fatihah Mom, till our next conversation - R.I.P Mom.

Conversation With Mom 6

Mommy, I was helping Abang with some Maths just now and I totally screw it up and it brought my recollection to the time I was in Standard 6 and you use to help me with my Maths problems.

I remember that you would usually get the answer right but the calculations you did were always wrong. It is still strange to me how you got the answers right when you always erred with your calculations.

Fond memories. That's all that is left of you now.

Tomorrow Abang, Along and I will have an outing with your younger sister. It'll be strange going on an outing to meet her without you when all previous outing before this were accompanied by you. I suppose we will do a lot of reminiscing when we meet her tomorrow. It is hard talking about you to those who barely knew you, but this wouldn't be the case. For what it's worth I do believe she loved you in her own ways and it'll be wonderful to talk about you to someone who also loved you.

Mom, this 24th of September will we go back to Pahang to get your kalang (grave base) fixed at your grave. I will see you then and will share with you all the happenings in our lives since I saw you last on Hari Raya (Eid).

But in the mean time, I'll share it with you here.

I went for an interview at NST on Wednesday. It went well I think Mom. I know you are looking out for me from wherever you are now and by the grace of Allah I hope I'll get into this training scheme. I want you to be proud of me Mom.

I know how you worried over your children's future while you were alive and I know if you are still cognizant you'd be worried still about us from where you are. I want you to know that I'm doing ok in life Mom. That my life is turning out all right.

Oh, I want to tell you about Grey. You know how she used to love to sleep by your feet, and how you would always try to get rid of her? She now sleep at Along's feet and Along too finds it irritating.

We took Grey to the vet yesterday. She has gingivitis. Her mouth is infected and she is in pain. I am giving her medicine that the vet has prescribed. She hates it and it is really hard to feed her the medicine.

I know you would feel really bad for Grey if you are here still. I just thought I'd share the story about her with you. I know you loved her despite you always complaining that she makes it uncomfortable for you to have a proper night's sleep.

Mom, it hasn't been bad for me in a while. I miss you yes, but the aching sorrow that would have me bawling in tears has not reared it's unhappy head in a while. I don't know if it means I'm getting used to not having you around or that it's just a lull until the next attack comes. But whatever it means, know that I still miss you - EVERYDAY.

I love you and I miss you.

Conversation With Mom 5

Hello Mommy,

I suffered a disappointment today and I want to share it with you. I entered a contest and the result came out today. I did not win. It is the nature of contest and competition that there's a chance to win and even greater chance of losing.

I remember how you had always encouraged me to enter contest as you were fond of them too.

I recall the one time when I was about nine and you send in a story to a magazine and your prize was RM100. I remember how you were so excited about the prize. You went to the bank everyday to check whether your winnings have cleared.

I still remember how I found your excitement contagious and endearing.

Today as I swallowed the feeling of being let down, I remember how you always faced the inevitable losses you suffer when you enter contest with calmness and a sense of acceptance.

And of course what I remember most is your exuberance when you did win something. Remember the crossword puzzle you entered and won and despite the fact you had to share your winnings with other entrants who got it right didn't diminish your joy one bit.

Oh Mom, how I miss how you look at the world. You were always seeing the best that life has too offer, even when times were bad and you had your worries. You always had faith that things will work out.

I miss that about you Mom... among other things. How I long to hear you say to me, "It's ok Adik, you'll win the next one."

Mom, now this one-sided conversation is all I have left off you. Never will I hear your responses again. Days like this, when I need to hear the quiet assurance in your voice that things will work out in the future, I feel the emptiness even more acutely.

Miss you Mom.

Forgive me if I trouble you with my aching heart. I just miss you too much mom.

Raya With Mom At Her Place Of Rest

It was the first Raya (Eid) without Mom. Last year two days before Raya Mom fell which set the course for her demise a month and a half later.

Last year I didn't know it was my last raya with Mom. It was like any other raya except that raya mom was in pain. For a change, for the first time ever last year I was in charge of cooking the raya meal. This year is the second time I had to cook the raya meal.

Along, Dad Abang and I at Mom's grave

This year we spend raya at Mom's grave. Dad told mom that Abang finished the 30 days fasting for the first time and that I am really great at cooking now and that Along has become an expert with doing up her hair.

Unlike most times when I visit Mom's grave, I did not break in to tears. I think my tears were already spent the previous couple of days before raya when I got a really bad attack of missing Mom.

A friend of the family told me today that Dad told her that he hated Doctor's especially now because they caused mom to die.

I don't know how I feel about doctors. I think they did the best they could. But there was this one doctor who treated Mom last year who keeps telling us that Mom didn't have a chance of surviving. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if they gave up on Mom long before it was her time to go.

But putting blame or being angry at the situation won't change anything. Whatever we say or do now will never bring Mommy back, although I kept dreaming of Mom coming back from the dead.

Just last night I dreamed that Mom came back to give me advice. She told me to try and stick to whatever I set my mind to do and not to give up halfway.

I miss mom's wisdom. You might not expect that mom has much to say, because Dad is more prominent in that he speaks out more and give directives more often than mom does, but I know some of the best advice about life I had received from Mom. She might seem unassuming and have little to say, but when Mom speaks her mind you know it's worth its weight in gold.

I miss Mom.

This raya, I cannot kneel at her feet and ask her forgiveness in person, but I did knelt at her grave and say a prayer for her and ask her forgiveness at her place of eternal rest.

R.I.P Mom.

I miss you and I love you.