Does anyone really know how I feel? The outer side doesn't really prove anything, what matters is inside. Do you know how I feel when all this privileges are being taken away from me? Maybe it doesn't really mean that much to you, but can't you just spare a thought for me? I know nothing really matters anymore, the word that you once used to describe it. That sounds so wrong, nothing like went out like that. But, the only person I can blame is myself, maybe I didn't take things seriously in the first place. Who knows what will happen next, God knows. When will the day ever come? Those looks and words that I saw and heard, I see those sadness and agony in your eyes. I can't help it, I just can't help but to lose it too myself. I don't want to look at it anymore, but just how long can I hold on to it? I am going to have to face the fact sooner or later, there was once I tried to talk things out. It turned out well but now, I just want to ask. Do they deserve more than this?
My whole body is like aching all over. Maybe it is cause of the physical training we had on friday, some more is having physical training with the entire uniform group in commonwealth secondary school. I was one of the physical training instructor and it is like so cool too. So did some warm-up and ran around the school, didn't know my stamina isn't really that bad. Anyways went for service today, according to him, it shall be my first and last time going there. Some particular reason thou, I can't believe this is happening again. Blame it on me for screwing up things, don't know how I feel about it? You looked at me, can't you just see those disappointment and regrets in my eyes? Whatever I say doesn't really matters anymore, maybe this is God's test for me. Once again, I failed You. You gave me a chance thinking that I can do it for You. But I guess I did not take things seriously, forgive me. This drowning regrets will die.
Oh crap, CCA is really killing me. We got to organise this and that, and I have to re-type that freaking proposal! It is only some minor errors in it and I have to re-type the whole thing! What the hell, I am seriously tired out already. I thought it was simple, but I was so wrong again. Everything I hold will pass away with a void of completion comfort will ever fade. Underneath there is still life, but just how long can I hold on to this? When you said this to me, that why didn't I just put in more effort to get things well done. I just couldn't answer you, I can't even answer myself. Who cares whether you see this a not, what can you do to me? You can't do anything to me anymore, this is my life and I only entrust my life in God's hands. You can't do anything to ruin this. On the outside it may seem to be over, but somewhere within my heart, there will always be You. You think that you had taken away my love for Him, but you are so wrong. You don't know how much He had done for me.
If I have the chance, why wouldn't I go for it again? But it is like everything is over and you start to tell it all to me again. Isn't it too late? I never did retailate or did anything, I regretted not going back for the last time and I chose the easy way out. Today's sermon said that unexpected things do happen to us, and that God has planned salvation in the midst of destruction. I shall let my sufferings end in joy, take it as a test from God, let God rescue me. He promised us final victory for His people, hope gives us endurance to carry on. Let me see a glimpse of light, a light of hope. Maybe I was fooled enough to not even notice anything at all before, I shall have faith in me no matter where I go. I don't want to doubt, why can't I just change my mindset? Everything I do, can't he just see those efforts that I have put in? Maybe things were not meant to be, is it really the right time for me to start working for it?
This world is just filled with people who have calloused hearts, who will be there to guide them? To differentiate them from right and wrong? At times I just don't get them, not even a little. Contented to live with unrest, what is that to them that matters the most? Right now, I feel so irritated by it already. I don't owe you anything in the first place, why must I be the one covering you at the end? They had been saving your butts ever since you were born, can't you just be grateful just this once? They were not the ones who did this to you in the first place, neither did they brought this upon you nor included themselves. If I were you, of course I would feel the same way. It is not you but it is me, I have been wrong all time. For so long I have been enduring with it, there will be a point where I will not be able to take it any longer. Just you wait, random thoughts I guess.
Being confine from freedom, it doesn't guides us to security.
1:29 AM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Blogger is finally back to normal! Had been very frustrated with it because of the post issue. Anyways, thank God! Looked through all my past entries, realised that majority of them are all words. I am not saying I don't like blogging with pictures or blogging on what had happened today. I just like expressing my feelings out in my entries, thou I do blog some on what had happened in my everyday stuffs. I don't know why am I saying this too, oh well don't mind me. I tend to spout out nonsense, I see who you are and who else can compare, I meant what I said.
So today has been a super, duper tiring day for me, even stayed back after school to clean up the girl guides room. And let me tell you, that place is like hell. Full of shit and insects inside there, maybe we shouldn't have ate in there in the first place. Now we are having so much difficulty cleaning up the place. I finally typed out the proposal for mrs loh, thank God she didn't say anything about it. Was going mad yesterday thinking of what to type out, didn't know being a secretary is so tough. The guides room is crawling with insects! I was stacking the books and a spider landed on my hands. Of course my first reaction was to jump up and scream non-stop, I even said that I am going to turn into a spiderwoman, how lame. It really freaked me out during that moment, so we mopped the floor and stuffs. Finished at around five plus and went to take a bus home, and I seriously felt like sleeping during the whole journey. Cool, I am beginning to like praise and worship songs more.
Well, I thought I could do better and stuffs but I guess I was so wrong. I know there is no use gloating about it but I don't even know how to face it in the future. I may be able to hide it for the time but I can't escape reality. I can't lie to myself, especially God, I got to face this problem soon. Before that, I told myself that I must do it for You, my parents and for myself. But now, everything seem so clear to me. Last time, I thought what you had said was just a saying and I did not take it too seriously. Until I came to this point of time where I start to break down, I never noticed anything in the first place. What you had said are all true, who am I lying? I can't lie through God, I know I am lacking behind. Can't I just take actions? What has meaning in life, some will ask how can this be but it doesn't seem to be the same anymore. You brought existence, to what I never thought could be. A world where eternity finds description, your eyes forever hold a memory.
The sound of silent voices surveying my thoughts, regularity defining perfection neither sorrow nor contentment. Some things never change, some things never go away. I wanted to bring You all that is in my heart, I wanted to give You my everything. But I have failed You, I have failed You so many times. How can I still stand here staring at your disbelief? All this had landed up me in this state, I never did want to say I regretted doing it. Once held undying devotion, now dead to your thoughts, undefined like your love. I heard all this things and on the outside, you may all think that it doesn't influence me or whatsoever. But deep down, do you really know how I feel? How I feel after listening and looking at those crap that you had all done, who is supposed to take over all this things after you are gone? Haven't you thought about the consequences? What would be the outcome? What is your purpose of doing this, maybe I was too harsh before. I don't know.
Whenever I thought about it, guiltiness starts to build up. Lord, won't You refresh me again? What is it that I had done wrong? I meant what I said and I promised to stand by Your side. Hearing all of them talk about it and stuffs, deep down I do care about it a lot. But on the other hand, you don't seem to care at all. I am praying for miracles to happen, maybe you just don't know me deep enough. I heard you talk about it and I don't feel good following you and stuffs. It was part of who you were and I am trying hard to accept the fact that it is all gone and never coming back. Enjoying yourself on the other side whereas I am still here finding it hard to control all these emotions. They don't get what am I feeling and I too don't get them. Anyways tuesday that time, mrs loh was so damn strange! She started to talk about Christ stuffs to me, scared the hell out of me. I can't carry on any longer, I am so tired of it.
I tried so hard to wake up from this dream, but instead I realised that I never fell asleep.
1:52 AM
Monday, May 14, 2007
Oh man, had this freaking headache plus neck pain plus shoulder pain all day. Someone please just do something, prayed to God to make the pain less painful. Thank God it stopped during the evening, Hallelujah! Anyways happy mother's day! My sister and I did bought something for our mother, seems like she liked it a lot. Thanks jackson for buying me my favourite chocolate too! Don't know why, I feel so irritated today, weird.
You left a deep impression, how can I ever forget what you did for me?
Woke up quite early today cause I was awaken by an sms, what the heck. So I walked around my house aimlessly for quite some time and finally, I settled down watching some cartoons. I watched and I watched, something in my mind kept bugging me. I was thinking of the past all of a sudden, just wondering why did time past so quickly? After that went swimming with my dad and brother, and it has been a very, very long time since I last went swimming. Had fun there and went for dinner at bukit timah, oh my goodness. I ate a lot! Don't dare to check my weight now, well anyways I am just glad that my mum enjoyed herself on mother's day. Before I slept yesterday, a lot of things went through my head. And I cried all of a sudden, it is like I don't even know why. I know what do I want, but, every obstacles that I encounter. I cannot carry on like this, there is this signs of life.
Come to think of it, that never fails to cross my mind.
Heard from my classmates that we are having elementary mathematics re-test tomorrow, and I was like what the hell? If mdm chang wants a re-test, isn't it obvious that our class did badly? Some more it is a re-test for paper one, oh no! I am so dead, can't find the confidence in me anymore. God! What am I suppose to do now? He expects so much from us, but to him, it is like an easy task. He doesn't know how much I yearn to do all those stuffs, I hope that You would make a way for me. It happened once before, and I was deeply affected by it. For a period of time, God refreshed me and I made a promise to Him. But now, I guess I was so wrong, I am sorry that I had let you down Lord. Am I really making empty promises again? My actions seems like I am, I don't want to disappoint anyone else especially to God. Even myself, I don't even know what am I thinking at times, left me desolated.
I never did find it irritating, but I don't want to sympathize it too.
Was thinking of what would happen when CCA resumes, going to be so damn stressed up, especially my sister. I guess majority of the teachers would want me to help her out, isn't that going to take up my time to go church? I would seriously rather go to my ministry or services, do they even seem to care? Anyways I will hope for the best that CCA wouldn't take up my church time, Lord help me out here! Had been listening to this song gloria by mercy me, oh my goodness. I have been like listening to this song non-stop for the whole day, maybe around thirty to forty times I guess. This song seriously will make me cry, cry out to Lord to lessen my burdens. To make me stop worrying about stuffs, Your word says that we should not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow for will worry for itself. When will I really have faith in God that He would really lead me out of my worries? I feel Your presence everywhere I go, refresh me Lord! Through this pain I refine, screaming to be released but held fast by Your love.
I am holding it back, I am frustrated but sad at the same time.
Oh man, I am like already in a holiday mood but school haven't even ended yet. I really need to rely more on You, I was too selfish and never spare a thought for all those around me. You spoke to me on saturday during service, You said that no matter how much trouble I face during this period of time. You will always be there for me, You wanted me to rely more on You and You said that I still have a long way in front of me. Lord, is this a test from you to me? Do You really want to test how strong my faith is for You? I had a vision, I saw a baby eagle standing on the edge of a cliff. The mother wants to push it off the cliff, it took some time for the baby eagle to have faith in its mother that she would not lead her child into danger. I guess God wants me to have faith and trust in Him. He wants me to know that He would not lead me into temptations, I would be held fast by Your love. Remind me of my need for You, remind me of who I am.
Teary eyes, tears can't bring back memories. Why can't it bring back?
Sadness I embrace, left with empty promises. I cried out to God every night to ask Him to forgive me for what I had done. Dear Lord, I am really sorry for going against people whom You wouldn't want me to go against with. But I did it over and over again, tears won't resolve matters. All I want is for things to be the same as usual, what is blocking my way? I just want to thank You for loving me and answering my prayers. I will continue to have faith in You, refresh my heart again, soften my heart. Thank You Lord, in Jesus's name, amen. I don't want to be reminded, a bunch of freaking nonsense. I am left alone to face You, now You know my heart and I am left only to speak what is true. No matter what happens I really love You a lot, I cannot carry on without You. I don't expect much from it too, but everything is happening too suddenly.
At times I feel like giving up, I cannot carry on with emotions like this.
Used to be without it.
Nevertheless I kept asking myself this question, what do I really want? I just want to do it for God, but he is just pulling me away from You. Can't he just feel the love You have for me?
12:28 AM
Friday, May 11, 2007
There is something very, very wrong with my speakers. And it is really getting on my nerves, it will stop operating all of a sudden. I can't even hear any freaking sound at all, damn it. Well it is a week piled with exams and I had been suffering many sleepless nights, especially for my art and design paper, will talk about it later. So all the papers are finally over! I cannot stand take this kind of torment! Anyways people out there looking at this sentence, please kindly go to http://www.vote.youth.sg/ to vote for B14. Support my sister, thanks a lot! Deadline is on the 24th May.
So, I had been sleeping late and suffering sleepless nights is because I have to rush through two preparatory studies and think of a composition to draw on the exam day. I began to thought back to last year, things were much easy-going and I even had time to play online games on the internet. But now, I guess I was so wrong, I took things too lightly. The exam question paper was given to us three weeks in advance for our preparation, but I guess I did not care about it. Oh no! I just handed up shit work to ruth ng, I was looking at the polytechnics criteria and I reflected on how I should put in more effort in my art. What is the matter with me? Can't I just concentrate on one particular thing and make sure I get things done on time? Lord, I can't even answer You at this point. You told me to ask myself on what do I really want from myself. I don't know, but Lord, can't You just refresh me again? I have been searching but there are no traces found, they wouldn't mind, but I just can't figure out why.
I thought 4/6 was supposed to have oral today, but turns out that oral is being postponed as we are having oral together with the express students. And when I first heard the news, I was like, what the hell? I could have been sleeping at home and yet, I have to run into the school cause we were late. Oh well, can't be bothered, so went to jurong east entertainment to have our breakfast plus lunch. After that clara, puifun, shakila, samantha and yingzhen went to my house and we watched a M18 show, it is not pornographic shows! We were a bit high when we were taking photos and talking craps, really missed the times. Kind of sad whenever I began to think back, we do spend some good quality time back then. After that went to play basketball and yes, I had fun of course! I was dying to touch the basketball, due to mid-year examinations. Everytime you ask us on how well will we do, I can't help but to somehow lie again. I don't wish to do this and I can't blame you all too, the problem seriously lies within me. Each smile and laughter breaks every corner of my heart. Can I get over this?
They all changed and things are looking bright for them, but I am just standing here with blank thoughts in my mind. I told myself I wanted to get things straight and ever since then, there is this little confidence I had inside of me. It tells me that I can and must do well for things like that, but my actions now proves me wrong. I can't lie to myself, I don't want to carry on like this anymore. Everytime I set my mind towards something, something is bound to get in my way and stop me once and for all. Ranting and venting my anger on something else doesn't really helps anymore, I got to face the same situation again. I don't want to escape reality anymore, it isn't that hard to tell a person how you feel about them. I can't disguise the look inside my eyes, your cries are in vain. Keep on pushing, if you hadn't gave me shitty attitude, I wouldn't have gave you shitty results. If you saw the world through my eyes, then you wouldn't feel so high rise. I can't understand them at all, those desires they had in their mind, who are they to judge us? What I would give to have a day back then when no one really cares?
Been feeling kind of down this few weeks, hope you all wouldn't mind, plus those things I type in my entries. I don't even get it, left alone myself. This life, I have encountered tons of things and felt many kinds of emotions. Close that time, the problem is that I don't get why must I listen to what others say? Does their opinions really matters? Tears pour down and I can't ignore all those sights, it hurts everytime I see it. It's anger takes control, there is no control of it, they brought this upon themselves. This is what I saw through your eyes and I understand every single thing that is being portrayed onto your mind. At times, you feel so helpless and at a loss of what to do. No one is there for you, no one appreciated what you did and you alone, told yourself that you must overcome this. You will never get why do they treat you like this in the first place, people nowadays are so contradicting. Used to treat them as if it was their one and only one, now everything is changed for good. Nobody gives a damn anymore. You said this was your way and it was the only way to be.
Random thoughts :/
2:02 AM
Friday, May 04, 2007
Had a crappy morning as some things happened before I went to school for E math remedial. Not going to say what happened to me, guess only some people know about it. What the heck, throw my face some more. Thank God for that auntie too! Anyways still left my combined science, elementary mathematics, art and design and my oral! After that I will slack like hell let me tell you. I haven't even started on my art, be it choosing the theme or not. Crap, I better get starting. Lord! Give me some inspiration please!
I hate you a lot, but at the same time, I love the way you do things, what am I feeling?
I can't possibly finish my preparatory studies during the weekends, my sciences and my math is like gone-case already. Oh well, better get starting too, can someone give me inspirations too? Anyways, heard from WXN that our entire chinese class passed their SA1 expect for a person. Wonder who could that be, what the heck, I got the lowest for my listening comprehension. And the teacher was like,"what were you doing last night? Too tired till you cannot pay attention?" What is over is over, I don't want to gloat about it. Nothing much happened this week I guess, it is just filled with exams. I realised that I forgotten tons of math topics, even forgotten most of the formulas. It's like mdm chang was going through with us trigonometry, and my mind went totally blank when she told me to work on a question. You told me some stuffs yesterday and I almost wanted to retaliate. I am holding myself back and you are just pushing your luck way too far. When I disagree on something, you just had to go against me. Is that what you really want from me? You are forever tranquilized.
Whenever you talk to me, I feel irritated, I don't know what the hell do you want from me!
Now it is back to what it should be, but am I doing it for the sake of other people? The end result will only influence me and not what others think. I got to stop pretending now, I really hate to force myself to do things which I don't like. Imagine me forsaking you, then you would know what pain means too. From far, many could have seen those unsatisfaction I have inside of me, when I walk past you. I wanted to pretend all these things never happened before and we go back to what we used to be. They say that all this would be revealed sooner or later, I wanted to be out of it but I just can't clear the conscious inside me. Many stuffs had happened way too fast, I don't want to be the past old me again. I never did want to say all those stuffs, but it made me felt that way and I just can't say no to how I feel. It may be hurting but I just got to face the fact that I cannot take this anymore. I don't want to lie to anyone, even God knows that somehow, there's this ignorant me inside.
Maybe you are just being a pathetic freak, desperate to get what you want.
I never did thought of it that way, I never did want to explode and blurt out nonsense in front of you. I am searching for answers and I feel so guilty doing things that would hurt you. Everything happens for a purpose, if you don't want me to know then why are you doing things that is so obvious to me? It leaves my heart into pieces and at times I am asking myself, what is your motive? I am always letting myself down, but my life in chaos always kills it in the end. My heart weeps in silence, and whenver I ask myself why did I choose to walk this path, I am always left unanswered. Nothing's ever being compared to you, you are being so uptight about it. I do wonder why you never intend to give up on me. On the path of exploitation, with many people waking up with regrets. To all those disillusioned, fake and insincere. Nobody cares about you cause we're still here. No matter who's giving up or selling out, their pointless apathy can't reach me now. My thoughts you always seem to keep, is it too late?
When I said I don't want it, please don't force me? I told you a lot of times, why?
Reality had been revealed, I don't want to be uptight about it. Lord please help me, You have answered me many times through my prayers. Is this what I really want? Is this what You expect of me? Something is telling me to do it for the sake of You, I tried to face reality and I find it so hard. Disappointed at myself not being able to satisfy You, will You be able to forgive me? I don't want to give You leftover time, I am sorry if I had been drifting away from You. Lord, refresh me again, I want to experience Your love. Thank God for the things that You had done for me, in Jesus's name, amen. I could not care less about all those who turned their backs
Why must you go against me? Why can't you just accept the fact that I am gone and never coming back for you? Didn't I make it very clear to you? I am not who you think I am, I am just a girl who is constantly waiting for my answers to be answered.
7:20 PM
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