Mid-year examinations had already started, guess I wouldn't spend too much time on the computer either. Anyways two papers down, about five more subjects and a english oral left to go. Oh man, it is killing me! I feel better after doing the english paper, rather than my mother tongue paper. At least my english composition was a bit interesting, rather than my mother tongue composition. I did not even have the time to do finish, hope the teacher marking my paper would be lenient I guess.
Been restricted from some things, but I guess that does not really matter much anymore. I tried my best to try to get along, but I just can't go on any further. I will not admit that I am at fault, being a paranoid? Things are like this and they will never change, now I know how you felt last time. Everyday, I kept thinking that things should not turn out this way. It looked better before, but now as I walked past you, the feeling seemed different from before. I never did intend to voice out my unhappiness, somehow I told myself that you would change for the better. I guess I was wrong, everything turned out worst, and was it all due to my fault? I too, don't even know it myself, let time tell I guess. The more I say makes me feel differently, why should I bother about this matter anymore? Why should I suffer because of you? You don't even have the rights to change the way I feel or think. I am frustrated and I can't believe you are not the one. Waited so long to see all this crash and fall through. So many times have I hidden all my disbelief, I will take it that they are all delusions.
Well, I will update if I have the chance, if not after the exams. All the best! Lord, You know that I had cried out to You countless times. Sometimes I feel your prescence and sometimes I do not, but I know You will always hear my prayers. I am really at a loss of words, I don't want to carry on like this. I can't disguise the look inside my eyes, Lord, answer my prayers! It seemed so clear to me now.
the more I try to talk things out, the more things tend to get out of hand. Nevertheless I had told myself this, if you want things to be like that then I would not have any choice left. I hate you, don't ever talk me again.
2:06 AM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Feel weird posting short posts, anyways I don't have the time to do all this sorts of things anymore. My posts will be getting shorter and shorter from now on, mid-year examinations is only a week away. Which is like a total crap, many stuffs happened too. I don't even know what to say for myself, just never did expect all my emotions to blurt out all of a sudden. Do I really regret what I had done? There is no retrieving, I have already given up on everything. It just seems to me that everything else matters more to you, it may not be such a big deal but what would others think of you? I can't bring myself to do it.
Let me see, had POP camp on the 13th of April, it was a friday. It was sad to see our batch people and chengyi passing out. Some of them cried too, first time see people who are passing out cried. Well, I had loads of fun there, bullying juniors by splashing water on them and stuffs. Luckily mrs loh didn't collect the consent forms, because I didn't even signed it at all. Heard from mrs loh too that the secretary would be super busy with CCA stuffs. And I was speechless I guess, don't think I can afford the time. Mrs neo even asked me whether I can take all the pressure, be it studies or CCA. I told her I had a solution, who am I kidding? Everything is practically screwed up! Anyways glad to see the juniors having fun, just imagine if they were to be in the ex-cos. Had a great time there thou it was hard to choreograph the fancy drill and training them. But I am still proud of you all! Just want to say to all my batch people and chengyi, all the best for your O levels. Cherish the times we spent together, be it the good or bad times. Bring the memories with you wherever you go.
Had tons of tests during the week, didn't think I studied for most of them. It dwells in me as I am thinking about it. People kept telling me not to think about it and move on. But I can't seem to bring myself to forgiving and forgetting stuffs. Can’t believe my eyes, how can you be so blind? Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside? Time keeps on slipping away and we haven’t learned, so in the end now what have we gained? Somehow, somewhere in time, we remember all of the suffering cause if we fail it will be in vain. I didn't want to tell you all my feelings that I had for you. How would you feel if I had told you how I felt about you? I looked at you from a far, I can sense all your lonliness and unsatisfaction. But what can I do to end this agony for you? Thing that really disappoint me are all those empty promises I made to myself and all those around. Lord, I am desperate for it. How can You help me? Are You always there to guide me? Why can't I just face the fact and move on with life? I may seem alright to You but can You sense all my unsatisfaction and needs? I really don't have the intention of drifting apart from You, I guess I really disappointed You this time round. What was I thinking?
Vague thoughts.
loves
12:01 AM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
It is a strange world out there isn't it? At times, I too, don't even know what am I doing nor saying. Now You know how I feel don't You?
7:54 PM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Just a quick post, nowadays I hardly have time to use the computer. Plus the mid-year examinations are coming! Doesn't time flies? I am not even sure whether I am prepared for it, better be prepared for the worst. Let's see, this week seriously pass damn quickly. Lots of things happened thou, your cries are all in vain.
Let's see, our school had X-country on thursday. And I had been telling myself that I must get into the top 30 no matter what. But I am not even sure of myself, of course I told myself that I must put in 100% effort! Haven't been training or whatsoever, I just prayed that God would give me the strength to run this race. It's like I finally got a chance to run, because I had been doing duties for the past 2 years and I haven't got a chance to run at all. We arrived there late, and we have to do squats in front of everyone. And we were practically laughing as we were doing squats. Anyways, before the race started, I told myself that I MUST win it for myself and God. I remembered my dad telling me to run at a constant pace, well I guess I did heed for his advice. I ran and I ran and I ran. Finally I saw the finish line, and I just sprint through it with my eyes closed. And all I could hear was Mr lim saying,"very good grace, get your card." And I was like, yes! I was in the top 30. I looked at my card and I saw the number 13. Super proud of myself at that time man, didn't know why I teared a bit thou. Thank God for giving me the strength to run, praise the Lord.
Our class girls won the first runner-up for the whole cohort, I love you 4/6! After that ain, adeline, my sister, seri, yingzhen, puifun and I went to eat lunch. And I guess I went home and slept. Nothing really much happened after that, I was glad that my dad was proud of me! Finally. Let's see, I had been playing basketball for the past 2 days with tons of people. Whenever I see you doing things that I expect you to do, I was speechless and disappointed at myself. Why do I feel like that? Thanks dad! Thanks for buying me a new i-Pod, and guess what? It is black in colour! Oh my goodness! I wanted to give you back what you had done, but I do not know what is pulling me back? Is it my guard feeling? Does it want to tell me that something bad is going to happen when I go forth with it? What is it that you are trying to tell me? I don't want you to be disappointed again, because no one likes it and I know that. Seems like you are always hoping that we could fulfil what you had wished for us. Is that the best that I can give it to you? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? I don't see why should I carry on like this anymore.
We had easter service on saturday and there were loads of people there. Brought adeline, yilian and puifun too, but they didn't convert. But I still had fun during the service! Because we were there to praise and worship our Lord right? Had a meeting after that and we were supposed to dress up in a costume. Some people said our caregroup looked like terrorists and pirates. Quite funny thou, and then after that went to play basketball with cuizhen, guna, jiahui and jiawan. Jiahui and I kept doing my trademark whenever we scored, and then cuizhen and jiawan thought we were out of our minds. Anyways I had to go home early, slept soon after that. It was a normal day for me thou, a day which I need to study and catch up on my homework. Did some notes for my mid-year examinations and I realised that I had forgotten to bring most of my books home. And I wondered how am I going to make notes when I don't have the textbook, stupid me. I don't want to disappoint you but my actions shows it out to everyone. Whenever I set my mind towards it, I am always procrastinating things and turns out that it never satisfies anyone at all. Why can't I just concentrate and get things right at one go?
Once more I say goodbye, to you. Things happen but we don't really know why. If it's supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss? Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears, I'm not feeling this situation. Run away try to find a safe place you can hide, it's the best place to be when you're feeling like this. I can't turn back time, and whenever I was given a second chance, I always screw things up. I just want to be given a second chance to set things right again. How would I know when is it right or wrong? I wasn't prepared for all those things and I am sorry for all that I had done. Maybe it is too late now, I don't see any reason for me to carry on like this. Lord, what have I done? Other people told me not to go for it and yet I was so stubborn and refused to listen to others and even You. Help me set things straight for me Lord, I am down on my knees. Can You hear me? Help me out here. I asked myself this, Why can't you just be straight up with honesty? Why do I always regret when things are gone? Run away try to find a safe place that I can hide, Lord I am crying out to You. Make my heart pure again, somehow this isn't going to lead me to my goals. Lord, give wisdom!
I don't want to be the past old me again, I hated it a lot. I looked back at the past and reflected on what I had done, everytime I did it. You pretended to look alright, but through those eyes, I can see disappointment in it. You had always expected more from me, but yet I took things for granted and you were constantly hoping that I would change for the better. When would that ever happen? After time had past and I had made new promises for you, it may sound fine but you never did look alright. You know what we had all done but you just kept your unsatisfaction deep inside you and you were hoping that we would change. I never did want to let you down, when you were not by my side. Insecurity starts to occur inside me, I just want to start things afresh now. Everytime I set new promises for myself and I let everyone down. Lord, I am tearing at times when no one is looking. Can you sense my disappointment?
I began to think back.
it is too late now, what's next?
8:33 AM
Sunday, April 01, 2007
I had never felt like this before, but I had made a goal in life. I want to work in an advertising company. I made this goal in my mind and I will work towards it, I promised myself that I will put in one hundred percent effort in it. I want to change for the better, I looked back and I realised that the direction that I am going isn't going to be bright. I am going in the wrong direction, that is not what I want. I am desperate for some changes, I know I can. God, I know that You can help me work towards my goals!
Anyways realised that I had been blogging once a week only. At least I still blog weekly right? Not much people would want to read the entire thing, so do as you wish I guess. Did some file packing and had cca on monday and tuesday. Really hate packing my file, because I would regret not sorting our my worksheets and notes. And I would constantly end up searching high and low for all my worksheets, really freaks me out when I realised that I have got tons of corrections left undone. But, somehow I managed to dig out some worksheets, thank God! Anyways on tuesday, we were supposed to do voting for the new ex-cos in 2007. Seriously the way mrs loh planned out the voting is completely different from what we had since I was secondary one. But just want to say congratulations to my sister for being the company leader, and I am the secretary! Puifun, quraisha and shafidah got the other posts, let's work hard and make girl guides proud! I know we can do it!
Went to this adam khoo's workshop on wednesday and it is supposed to be a three day workshop. Means I get to skip three days of lessons! We were a bit late on the first day, but as they all say. Better to be late than never. The first day was plainly filled with laughter and I love balaji! We may be losing some points in the first day, but we still won in the end! To ramesh: Thank you so much for motivating me to do well in my studies, I really learnt a lot from you. Danny: Really reflected a lot on the thursday afternoon's session. That explains the sign which says,"Do not enter from 4:30pm to 6:30pm" on the door. I really appreciate my parents and teachers more, thanks to you. Freddy: Thanks for all the joy and laughter that you had brought to me this past three days. Picked up a lot of skills too. This three days really gave me an opportunity to search deep inside me to find out what do I want in life. Well the most memorable moment is on friday's closing night. I did not know what gave me the courage to go up the stage but I still went in the end.
I am so sorry for not spending much time with you and I had been taking things for granted. At times I also gave you empty promises and I just regretted it now. I promised this to my dad in front of the whole crowd, that I must put in one hundred effort in my studies. I know I can, I will strive on! I feel so blessed to have such great friends in my life. So anyways, went for service and I told myself that I must bring visitors to service this week! Lord, help me! After that we had a whole west meeting, got to know some new people too. Then went to play basketball with cuizhen and jiawan they all. That night made me realised a lot of things, things occur all of a sudden. These are not things that I want, and like he said, I will encounter all this things. I injured my index finger! Means I won't be able to spin the ball for a few weeks I guess, how sad. Choices lead to consequences, and I guess you made your choice already. I would not stop you nor will I want to be an obstacle in your life. It just doesn't seem to be the same anymore.
By saying those words, do you know how much that means to me? All those comments that people made for you, I will just bear that in mind. That other people's opinions would not become my reality, at times I do wonder why. I am calling out onto you, what is it that doesn't makes it feels right anymore. Trying so hard to accept the fact that it will never be back, and yet it just comes back. You are behaving like a paranoid at times and your behaviours are eccentric, it is not me but you. No more are the days that I will fear for I have found a strength that none can match and I will push further. I won't say nor comment much, I need to change the situation somehow. I prayed to God I will not stumble again, and I was hoping that I could get an answer. What is it that is lacking behind? I am sorry for all the things that I had done, but I really did tried my best to put all these things in front. Something is missing, do I feel satisfied what the results do I get now? You are always hoping more from me, and when I heard what you had said, it never felt the same anymore.
Struggle and sacrifice.
3:04 PM
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