You shouldn't hang on, it's already gone.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Oh God, it has been some time since I last updated already. Guess what I had expected of myself has not been happening around this week. Kind of disappointed I guess, if I want to change someone, I need to change myself first. But which part of it do I not get it?

Well, many things happened this week and there were times when I were up and of course, there were times when I were down. Don't want to think of the moody times now, they do dampen my mood. Music can really change my mood, maybe I should stop listening to it for the time being. Can't remember much about what I did in this week, the only thing that I can remember now is on friday during cca. We were like supposed to organise a telematch for our juniors, approximately thirty of them i think. Firstly they had treasure hunt first, before the telematch. I practically ran around the whole school for hide all those clues. There were five groups and I ended up hiding three groups' clues. I was perspiring like mad when I hid finished, so you all better thank God for me. If not our games would not had started on time. When the game started, I continued to walk around the school and judging them. It is like so damn cool to walk around with the clipboard in your hands. Anyways some groups had trouble finding them, and I had to 'help' them a little. It is so nice to see them interacting with girls from different levels and races.

After that was the telematch, durga made me wet! And during that time I was wearing my uniform! Some of the secondary ones kept laughing at my back, because it was 'exposed.' Anyways I am glad the guides enjoyed themselves, and I went to talk to this new secondary one girl who just joined guides. I asked her whether she did had fun, she said it was really fun. Really had a sense of accomplishment during that time and felt happy. Well done the secondary fours and our 'laodua!' Went to meet jiahui and cuizhen for basketball after that, it's been some time since I last met them. Guess I really missed their faces and them a lot, one week never see them already! Anyways took the mrt to yew tee, seriously I felt like a sardine when I managed to squeeze in the mrt. Some singaporeans didn't even bothered to give way to people who wanted to get out of the train, and they have to squeeze through the incoming crowd. Played basketball for awhile and then it started to pour down. After that went to macdonalds for dinner, we laughed and talked. Really, really missed the times we spent together even thou there were some quarrels and conflicts back then, I still miss it! I just want to thank God for letting me get to know you guys.

Feel very blessed that God had given me a second chance to let me go church again. I just want to grab hold of this opportunity tightly, am I putting in the effort? Was a bit late for prayer meet because I woke up late. But it is better to be late than never right? Really felt God's prescence throughout the whole service, Lord You really do work wonders. I had fun praising the worshipping the Lord, I was really thankful that He had given me a second chance. If you all don't know, my dad actually banned my sister and I from going to church because of our results. I was utterly disappointed when he said that, I did made improvement. But why did he not see it? Is it the encouragement that is lacking? Or is it just me? Sometimes I just want all this things but I can't change my mindset at all. I promised You that I will get good grades and put in more effort in whatever I do, but what was I thinking? I told myself I wanted it and I do want to have more confidence in myself. But is my actions leading me to get the things I want? I doubt so, I just can't find out where the problem is. I did it and I ended up worrying about stuffs like that, I am defintely heading in the wrong direction. I wanted to ignore it and in the end, I just kept thinking about it.

It is not the same anymore, first I thought it was just a harmless act. Turns out the things that you did had hurt someone deeply. I don't want to say much, I want to be left out of it. Running away from it doesn't seem to help me anymore, why do I find it so hard? God, You know how I feel about it, let my heart have acceptance for people. I am taking things step-by-step, but something is pulling me away. Someone is keeping me off the track, just as things are going right you had to appear in the picture and ruin it all. God told me a million times this, don't force yourself to do the things you don't like. It just means that what I am doing now doesn't please God because that is not what He wants and expects from me. Now, I have to hide all my discontentment away from you. I am sick and tired of it, I don't want to keep receding back. It helps nobody nor does it help myself. Just that corner, where I can see those misery in your eyes. You are trying to tell me something, but at times I just acted as if I didn't get what you are saying. Lord, help me out here, what is my next step? I need some leverage, I can't seem to open up.

Anyways I just want to thank God for letting me know such wonderful people in this world. Thanks joyce for the things that you had given me, I was really touched by what you had done. May God bless you in whatever you do and wherever you go, I never regretted knowing you! And a particular 'kuku', you know who you are. Really enjoyed the times we spent together, we had joy and laughter. Am I regretting it all now? Life is like this, when something is being taken away from you, you start to regret. You would always tell yourself that you should have treasured it from the start. Isn't it all too late now? Now there is a scar in your heart, the feeling is permanent. Nothing is going to change the way I think now, I've never felt this before. Without a thought, without a reason, everything is making changes. I don't want any of it to change, tear down their disguise. They stood up and fought for nothing, and it will never be the same again. Tied to the testing of wills, where my heart breaks and spills. Fall forward to even the score, just a thought to you. Is there a difference in anything you had said and done? Or is it the way we had been pretending?

Dear Lord, I am on my knees begging of more from You. I know that at times, I am practically taking You for granted. Here I am to say I am sorry for what I had done, I don't even know what am I thinking at times. Lord, help me out here, stir in my heart. I know I am progressing statically, but You never gave up on me. Even when I sinned, You forgave me and guided me along the way. You sent people to help me and guide me along my race with You Lord, I truly appreciate it. But I don't know why am I feeling like this, why am I thinking like that all of a sudden? In the bible, You said do not worry, but why am I worrying? Why must I go against Your word? I don't want my way of thinking to be like that. Lord, I am so afraid that things are going to turn out the negative way. I am crying out to You, let the Holy Spirit guide me. I know You are a God that can create miracles. My life is Yours Lord, I give my heart to You. Stir in me and make my heart pure, I don't want things to be so contradicting. Lord, You are the greatest, my heart aches for Your love. In Jesus's name, amen. Anyone interested to come to service on saturday? Please come, God loves you! What is it that I want?

It will be a memory.
~~it started out unsteadingly~~

4:05 PM

Sunday, March 18, 2007

This one week holiday is coming to an end, how sad. Time past really quickly, hope this holiday won't end, wishful thinking right? Don't think I would be able to update too frequently, cause I got a feeling that school is going to take up a lot of my time, I think. Ignoring the truth, I can never seem to escape from it anymore.

Better make use of the time I have now, before it's all taken away from me! Let me see, I had a haircut on friday. The auntie cut away so much of my hair! Means she cut away some of my red hair, so sad. I told the auntie to cut away about two centimetres of my hair and then I think she cut away three centimetres of my hair. So shocked, but I'll pray that my hair would grow back fast. If not I won't have face to face people, Lord, I pray that my hair would grow back faster! The auntie there was quite friendly, and she said this to me,"xiao mei, you secondary what?" And then I said,"Guess?" She said,"secondary two?" I stared blankly at her and said,"No, secondary four." She was quite surprised thou and laughed, do I really look like a secondary two girl? I need to change, change change change! She's not the first person to say it anyways. I don't really care about what she says, but I care a lot for my hair. Nothing really much happened after that I guess, went home and tried to rush through my homework. Till now, I still got tons of homework left undone, oh no!

Have to wake up a bit early today, at around seven plus cause I'm meeting joyce tan and jiahui to go to church together! Actually I was having shepherding at nine and after that going for decor at ten. I woke up at around ten plus? Yes! Breakthrough for me! Everyone was a bit late, but it's okay. So saw jency in the mrt, and we went there together. I knew this was coming, and I had really thought about it all the time. Had shepherding and then went for decor after that. We climbed up and down, pulled the banners and did some other stuffs there. Joyce tan! Remember what you've done to my three fingers, joking joking. After that went for prayer's meet, so sad terence was sick and couldn't make it. Rest well okay? Service was fun because I'm there to worship the Lord! So went for lunch and then met most of the far northwest people, heard that they are going for house visitations. In the end, jiahui and I went to play basketball first. My God, I'm so tired out, why am I so weak? Still lost to joyce tan in arm wrestling, I won't give up okay!

After that went to fellowship with one another, jiahui and I kept taking joyce tan's pictures. Joyce tan is so cute! Anyways, went back home and here I am, still staring at my pile of homework. I'm practically worrying about stuffs which I'm not supposed to be worrying about, how ridiculous. So let's not even try, you're right. Let's ball it up and throw it out the window. It's becoming all so clear in my mind and that I've thought this thing through more than once or twice. I feel that this is my last request to you, relying on borrowed time. Sometimes I just want to shout it out and ask the Lord what have I done wrong. Is it me or is it just you? I can't seem to accept the fact, just which part of it you've done is wrong? I can't find any reason for me to carry on like that anymore. There are things left hidden inside me, Lord, only You know how I feel inside. Show me and guide me, tell me how should I be feeling now. How should I be treating people at this time, am I doing things right? I feel like this is going nowhere, and I'm misinforming you. I have faith that You can give me joy and life again.

Again I ask myself, why do I find it so hard to accept someone? I don't judge people, and the bible says in Matthew 7:1. Do not judge people or you too will be judged. I don't know why am I feeling like that at times. Having ambivalence, Lord help me out here. We often wish that we could be someone else, now I'm just looking for the exit. You did not cross the line, now the problem just lies within me. I pray for a safe place to hide, maybe it's not time yet. There's nothing left unused in here and there's nothing left to say. Acceptance is what holds us there, I want to get through it. I'm standing still waiting for this all to change. Now my hands are up, what do you expect of me? I don't know how to say this, my thoughts have just run out. In the end we tend to think of how it began. I could never explain the things I've said, and how it made me feel. I hope the Lord can feel this now, I can still feel your presence. I shouldn't be thinking about it anymore, at the same time I don't want to let go of it. Maybe it's all God's plan, He meant well for us. I was lost with vague direction until You came.

I do not know why I expect this from you in the first place. Is this going to benefit me at all? I did not do all this without a purpose, there are some things which are better left unsaid. If you want other to help you, help yourself first. There comes a time where things need to be separated, but I did not feel the same way as you. And Lord this is my prayer to You. Dear Lord, I want to thank You for bringing joy into my life. You definitely changed me a lot, and everything is possible with You. I may have encountered difficulties at different point of time, but You was always there for me. You lead me through problems and gave me solutions. Lord I pray that You will always be there for me no matter what. Because my love for You will remain as strong as ever. Thank You for everything You've done for me, I never regretted knowing You and accepting You in my life. I live life to serve and worship You, I will run a strong and faithful race which You have for me. Thank you for all You've done and in Jesus's name I pray, amen. At times like this, I realised that the best way to stay out of it is to ignore it. Random thoughts I guess, I don't know why am I feeling like this all of a sudden.

In a deep breath it all starts to change. Flip my world inside out, honestly I like it better this way. Find some comfort in this run down place, to bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in.
~~at times I do expect much from it~~

3:57 AM

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Joyce Tan! How dare you sabotage me? Now it's my turn to sabotage you back. Surprised to see your pictures up here? Anyways I won't say anything bad about you because I'm nice and I don't think there's bad points about you, so don't worry! Just want to say YOU'RE SO CUTE! Basically thanks for everything, I had fun hanging out with you in church and outside church. I'll still continue to spin the basketball in front of you, because I know you can't! But I still love you! :)

p.s. I'll win you in arm wrestling one day, beware. :)

9:30 PM

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Yes! I get to use touch my computer, really missed typing on the keyboard. Anyways a lot of events happened for me this past few days. And all I can think back is the Games Day. Still got to wake up super early in the morning just to go to jurong interchange to take the bus. I guess I fell asleep in the bus on my way to that place. So my event was the eco adventure race, something like that. Ain, my sister, pui fun, seri and ying zhen also participated in it. We were quite slack actually, so we ended up running around the whole place. I lost something there, but I'm not going to tell you! Anyways we won second in that event and we're like very shocked, who cares? We won! Had cheerleading competition, some classes' cheers were funny by the way.

I thought you'd come back at least I prayed, for years I've been too afraid to say it all out. Relief support never came and yet things aren't looking on the bright side anymore. Tears run down my face just like the last, no different from yesterday. After that I went to prayer meet with a few people. People like cuizhen, joyce tan, gina and some other people. Jolene said this prayer meet would be a life changing experience and I thought why not go this once? I was amazed by the number of people there, and then we sang praise and worship songs and of course, we prayed. I was so glad God spoke to me and I saw an image. Anyways thanks joyce, for the advice you gave me. But if she doesn't want to help herself, who can? O Lord, I just want her to feel the love you have for me. I want her to experience your love for her, I know you love her just like you love me. Lord, I pray for miracles to happen. In Jesus's name, amen. Saturday's service was fun, because we went there to praise and worship the Lord! Amen? So after service my sister and I went to Lot 1 to walk around, it's been some time since we enjoy each other's company. My sister better thank me because I brought more money than her. Things like this happen abruptly don't you think?

After that met up with cuizhen and jiahui because they wanted to play basketball. And then met up with choonhan, jingting and jiawan. I was practically perspiring like mad, because I wore jeans while I was playing. Oh well, that night made me realised something. I got to know much more stuffs about you guys. Do your prayers sound sincere at all? Are you disappointed just because God didn't answer your prayers? No, He gives us what we need and not what we want, don't dwell in your problems. I remembered seeing an image on friday during prayer's meet, I saw a dark corridor full of doors. Is He trying to tell me that there is still a long way for me and there are more upcoming things to happen? I would have to face this doors as time pass by. God told me not to dwell in my problems, and that the past is the past. Forgive and forget, that's what You have always been telling me to do. I need to sacriface somehow. Ran and screamed a lot, what have I done wrong? I don't want to be a pushover nor do I want people to think the other way. I reached home at around twelve? My dad nagged at me for a little while, but I guess I've gotten used to it. And my parents told me that they are bringing us out the next day. Woke up the next day and my whole body was aching like mad.

Anyways went to Sentosa with my family. I was glad they were understanding people, like I said, you win some, you lose some. It was an enjoyable day there, and guess what? I saw terence and it's such a coincidence. We played loads of stuffs there and I just want to say I love my family a lot. Maybe at home, I won't always be talking and spending time with you all. But I just want to let you know deep down how I feel about you all. At times I may be quite rough and fierce, and my attitude towards you all may be totally different to how I treat my friends. But no matter what, I just want to say I love you all! Anyways I've been going to decor this past two days, and I love the people there a lot too! My dad is constantly complaining about the time I'm reaching home, which is about eleven plus. But I guess that's okay, I did had loads of fun there. While having fun, we're also using our gifts to serve God too. Yesterday, there were many people at decor and I got to know more people of course. Also tau-pok people there, cool! It's a first time for me. I don't want to see it at first but I tend to look at it, what's wrong? Got cca meeting all of a sudden, I don't know what the heck is wrong with her. Everytime arrange this and that and informing us in such a short notice.

I missed out something which I've been looking forward to this week, which is metamorphosis. I don't know how am I going to survive it in my cca, be it this year or next year. You're not the one in-charge of events and stuffs this year, of course you'll be able to tell me all this things. I feel very frustrated when you don't even reply my messages and pick up my phone calls. I hate to have this kind of feelings, I hate last minute informations. I don't want you to be the one ruining me, I want to be the one controlling my own life. You can't control me, so stop making me feel like that. Right now I've gotten over it, I don't want to have a soft spot for you anymore. Sometimes I want to be somebody else, I'm still alive but I'm not okay. While by while I cross that line to change my aim inside for the tears I couldn't cry, for what I left behind. Just one step, another word, I'm living this again. Another breath and I will be so ready to change the way you think. It may not seem to be a big deal to you, but do you know how I feel? I wasn't prepared to face all this torments, now it's happening. And I'm hoping someone would help me out here, God give me what I need. Look into my heart, I know I make mistakes at times but I feel that I've really let someone down this time.

Back to the past, I saw a lifetime. I'm doing all this for myself and God, don't get any misconceptions. I can't erase what you've become this time, I'll do what I know is right and no failure shall befall me this time. Dear Lord, is this one of Your test for me? It's not that I don't want to please You, it's just that everything that is happening is just too much for me to take. Holy Spirit, guide me, let me have compassion for people around me. I don't want to face people with a hard heart, let me have a pure one. They don't know how am I feeling inside, I want to express them out so put words into my mouth. I know You can change me and that's why I've chosen to accept You into my life. Is this all part of your plan? Am I doing it right? Are all this people sent down by You to help me get through it? Lord I believe You can help me make the right decisions, my faith in You will continue to stay strong. In Jesus's name I pray, amen. All those things around me may influence and change me. But they won't change my core, so just accept it. I treat all the same, so stop worrying. I'm not someone who judge people, but somehow I don't know why I find it hard to accept it.

Depending on you, Christ carries me the rest of the walk.
~~it's strange, don't you think?~~

9:29 AM

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It's been quite some time since I updated already, guess I'm really too busy to update my blog. But I won't let it rot! Anyways, a lot of things happened to me and I'll blog about it more when I'm free I guess. Life is so unpredictable, I'm so disappointed with things going around me. I've disappointed everyone, God and even myself. What was I thinking? God help me out here!

1:11 AM

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Finally I got the chance to blog already, it's been quite some time since I last updated too. Maybe I'm quite busy with my time-table perhaps? I don't know, but I won't let my blog rot right? Who cares what I write anyways, that's just how I express my feelings out to this world. School life was as usual, I don't know why this week is particularly depressing to me. My ulcers are killing me, imagine if you have three ulcers in your mouth and my backache is killing me too.

Late for school and I got to serve detention, still got one more coming up on monday. I hate doing detentions! Also don't know why the bus always arrive late. It's like I usually walk to the bus-stop at around 7:05 to 7:10 and the bus would arrive shortly. Then my sister and puifun wanted to go to the bus-stop earlier on thursday, so we went to the bus-stop at 6:50. Guess what? The bus arrived at around 7:10 to 7:15, it's like crap you know? I rather wake up late, I don't see any point in waking up early anymore. Oh well, I'll pray for more bus drivers to drive the bus 176. Got called out of the hall on friday cause of a particular reason, that reason made us got so pissed off with a particular teacher. I don't think I would want to name that teacher, like what they say, the whole world is looking at your blog and you'll never know who is looking at yours. Anyways I got scolded cause I didn't do my art homework, she didn't even give us any warning at all! Which is like total crap, now I got to hand in ten pages of art work on tuesday. Lord please help me! Give me inspirations!

I don't even know how to start on my art homework at all. Lord I pray that you'll give me inspirations, please help me! I was disappointed at what she've said thou she did not say it to me right at my face. I heard it and I suddenly felt this disappointment inside me. So that's what and how you think of me, how can I face you in the future? What should I do to prove you wrong? It's like I know I was wrong in the first place, I told myself not to carry on with this attitude. But I don't know why I want to carry on with this wrong attitude. I want to change and I'm hoping that someone would help me out here. Holy spirit help me! Guide me, I'm begging you. I don't want to carry on like this anymore, from far it's obvious that I'm not concentrating at all, yet I did nothing to change myself. If I can't even help myself, who can? I can only pray to you Lord that You'll change this attitude of mine. I don't want to carry on like this anymore, it not only brings disappointment to myself, it also brings disappointment to those around me. I'm at a loss for words when you told me this news, what can I do?

Cca ended early on friday and I was so happy, because I can go to decor on time. Did some footdrills and I took over the seconday one squad. Here's what I want to say to you all, you all know who you are. Guys, I really hope that you all will say the timing together as a squad. I don't think that's too much to ask for right? Next time please say out the timing loud, and don't move in the squad. I don't like scolding you all nor do I want to raise my voice, I'm sure you all wouldn't like that right? This year's intake of secondary ones is more than I had imagined, no comments about them I guess. So after that I rushed down to jurong east mrt station. I was waiting at the traffic light and then an uncle and an auntie came to talk to me. Realised that they owe the western stall in our school, and they shared their umbrella with me! Thank God! Their first sentence to me was,"you're a christian?" And then I was like of course I am. They told me their church is lighthouse evangelism, and they're shocked when I told them I was going to somerset. They're basically nice people by the way, so met joyce tan and her friends. Sorry if I forgotten some of your names, my memory's bad.

Had fun at decor, made some new friends and talked to some new people. They're basically nice, funny and friendly people, right? Joyce tan was shocked because I don't seem to feel any pain when she was pressing my shoulders. Plus she's quite strong by the way, cause she won me in arm wrestling twice! Serious, I don't think it's painful, anyways thanks for massaging my shoulders! I prayed that my parents wouldn't scold me for going home late on friday, and when I reached home, they didn't say much. Praise the Lord! But they still nagged at me saying that if they see my grades falling, they'll ban me from going to decor. Hope I'll do well, I must have faith in my God that He'll give me wisdom to do well. After that went home and wanted to use the computer, but my mum came out of her room in the middle of the night and caught me using the computer. I practically freaked out at that time and I lied to her that I was taking some things. I better repent now, Lord I'm sorry I lied to my mum, I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't even had done it in the first place, I'm sorry and I promise you I will not do it again.

Anyways I received an sms while I was at decor, my reaction is like very big when I saw that sms. Ruimin told me she was hospitalised because she has got gastric problems. I pray that you'll get well soon okay? Take care of yourself too! Went to service today and I saw terence, finally you made it here already. Service was fun and it did touch my heart, after that went to play basketball with those "xiao-gua." Well, I'm not going to be a part of it, I tried but I guess everything doesn't seem to go my way. I'm still thinking about it, what you've said is right. I don't want to give all my attention away, that's not what God wants. Let's all leave it all to God, let God decide for me. My patience has got a limit, don't take me for granted. Lord, speak to me those my prayers, I'm glad You spoke to me today. You told me not to give up and have faith in You, it's whether I want to do it a not. Why should I listen to what others say? Do it for myself and for You. During that time, I cried a lot because I know that the direction I'm heading now is really leading me nowhere. It's a matter of time whether I'll realised my mistakes a not. Why do I find it so hard to accept someone?

Dear Lord, what Pastor Shirley said was right, I don't want to give you leftovers. I want to make it a point to spend quiet time with you every night. Not because I force myself, it's because I love You Lord. I doubt He gave us leftover things, it's because He love us too. I don't want to worry about my tomorrow. Because in Matthew 6:34, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself. I want to think that way, but what's holding me back? You've always amazed me with what You've done, I don't envy others because I know You love me as your child a lot. Hold me and bring me closer to You, in my mind You never left me. I have faith that You'll bless me in many ways. You are the one who can see through me, You gave me what I needed and not what I wanted. I never stopped believing in You, and I believe in Your powers. Why do I constantly have to break down and cry? Everything's possible with You Lord, I pray and I hope You'll speak to me through my prayers. In Jesus's name I pray, amen.

You left me there to fall by myself as the word love meant nothing to you. I was taken in with your lies and you knew I was too weak to leave but you were wrong. You mean nothing to me now, I have found someone even better. And that is my God, you can't ruin the way I live. Nothing's ever too late.

2:31 AM