Saturday, February 24, 2007
My parents are coming back to Singapore already, well hope they'll have a smooth journey back home. Wonder what they'll buy for us too, will I like what they buy for us? So school's quite the same as usual I guess, just that I don't know why I felt extremely tired today. I almost fell asleep quite a few times during assembly and in class. I must concentrate no matter what! Anyways, just want to say thanks to puifun for reminding me to bring my thermometer and my chinese storybook, I seriously forgotten to bring them before I left the house. I saw things which I didn't want to see, oh well I don't think I can avoid it right?
Thankfully cca ended earlier than usual today, I can go for decor! Did singing during cca, don't know why I had moodswings during cca time. They always spoil everyone's mood, is it so new to you? There isn't a need for you to get angry or upset over it, you're just wasting your time on them. I don't know how should I be treating you all too, you're just being a bunch of fickle-minded people. It's almost near, rest for it will soon be over. Sometimes I just wonder why am I always there at the wrong time, I don't wish to be there too. I looked at it, it just doesn't feels the same anymore. The more I look at you, the more sickening things get. Who asked for all this in the first place? I don't get why must this happen, I'm not angry or whatsoever. It just sickens me whenever I looked at it. It flashes before me, and I understand why I'm here. No one will ever know, as the pictures come clear. Seriously I was surprised when I see the number of secondary ones joining girl guides as their cca. Never had I seen so many girls join this cca, don't worry I'll shape your marching! Well, I heard something and I was shocked at what she had said, but I'm not going to say it out here.
I did detention for the first time in my secondary school life on thursday. At first I thought it was going to be quite slack, but detention really sucks. Ain and I went to wipe the floor in the hall using cloths, but we didn't do much I guess. And then went to meet jency and jolene with rui min, anyways rui min, hope you will grow in church. Anyways went to decor today, thanks to joyce tan for bringing me there. I met some people there, well they are nice and funny people. Jesline was very high, yongmei was lame as usual and joyce tan was friendly and funny at times. I don't want to worry about things nor do I want to make comments on things like this. It's ending and it'll end sooner or later. Heard that our group is going to change leaders, quite sad actually. So confused all of a sudden, should I go for it or should I just leave things the way it is? I don't want to keep worrying about it, running away from a problem isn't the way out too. I admit I messed it up in the first place, I'm only doing what is right. Memories carry me through the day, love will find you.
Dear Lord, thanks for making all this happen. This path I have chosen is hard but I'll make it with my saviours help. Everything was wrong, nothing was right, at least that is what I thought. No goals and I never thought of what should I do when I grow up, after I saw what You've given me, I realised You really mean it. In these trials I face, I pray that You will humble me, humble me to be more like You Jesus. I'm constantly hoping for the best, I believe in You, I believe You'll make the right choices for me. In Jesus's name I pray, amen. What should I do now?
Planned perfection sought in my dreams, hoping this would take you home.
it wasn't like this
1:49 AM
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I screwed up everything, I never expected this to happen. God please help me! I made the wrong move and it landed me in this state. I'm sick and tired of it, you're a victim of strangulation. I never did intend to show it out to you nor do I want to tell you how I feel. A place I can call home, I'm crying to you, Jesus. Mend me, break me, make me, you're all I've got now.
8:08 PM
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My God, first time ever in history, I didn't update my blog for a week. Happy chinese new year by the way, God bless! It's been a rough week and I know that things are going to get more hectic. Our school celebrated total defence day and our class is supposed to present our animation clip to the entire school. Anyways, woke up at the usual time and then that stupid bus came late. Went to school late by a few minutes and the principal told us to sit in the parade square. So i quickly pulled up my socks and took our my earrings, it's not my fault right? Can't believe I forgot to bring my tie to school again! Someone remind me can? Have to waste money to buy that piece of paper, after that i rushed up to the computer lab to finish up our animation clip.
Just want to say thanks to those who gave me presents! Oh yes, someone gave me my favourite chocolate which is Mars! Thanks a lot, you all know who you are right? I realised something after what I've heard, I realised that these things aren't important now. I don't want to waste my youth on you, somehow I can't be bothered anymore. During that time, you told me that this was coming and yes it did come. It's so stupid to think of it that way, that maybe things would turn out well just this time. You want to think of it that way, I have no choice but to agree with it. I guess yingzhen was right, our chinese teacher had really given up hope on us. At first I didn't agree with it, but after noticing her for some time I suddenly felt it. I don't know how should I feel, be glad that it's all gone? So all of us were so freaked out when we were in the backstage, heard that something fell on shakila's head, ouch. When I walked on the stage, just imagine the sight where the whole school's looking at you, so memorable.
My speech was the longest and adeline said that my expression was like I wanted to laugh, but I hide it one side. Anyways we got the third prize, and when our group's watching our animation clip, i kept laughing and laughing. I realised that I was laughing and tears were falling down at the same time. I'm proud of what our group has done, great job! I love you guys! After school, we went jurong entertainment to eat at KFC. I guess nothing much happened after that, sorry all my memory's very bad. But I did remembered that I went to meet cuizhen after that, and we saw jiahui and joyce tan. Keith and dinesh were so funny! So anyways, I was quite pissed off today all of a sudden, who's being a paranoid now? God create wonders! Tell you all why, we were supposed to run 2.4km on monday and I told yingzhen that I must get 10 and below. So we started to run, I kept running and praying at the same time. I asked God to give me strength to run on and on, and turns out that i got the 10th position and my timing was 12.51 minutes, thank God!
It's so weird, no cca are holding their trainings and yet we still got to hold a training. Quite sad actually, I wanted to go for service and I ended up reaching nexus at directly 5pm. Waited outside for my care group members and then a number with 6 in front was calling me. At first I thought it could be a wrong number, but there isn't any harm picking up the phone right? And guess what? There was a guy's voice over the other line and he said he was from youth.sg. I was like oh my God! He asked me for my NRIC number and my address, cool I just won a voucher. So lucky! Anyways, went to eat dinner and then we went to a place near Lot 1. Played basketball with cuizhen, jingting, jiahui, jia wan and grace. Went home after that, and I did had a lot of fun with those guys. Anyways, sad to see what's been sent to me. Maybe you're right, I shouldn't trust you, so stop bothering me. I told you not to go for it in the first place, then now what? You've gotten yourself into trouble and now you're blaming me just because I refuse to help you? I'm holding it back, I'll lose control someday.
Turned out wrong, I never expected things to be like this. I kept thinking back, is this how you treated me before? What if I agreed to what you said before? Would things be like that? Got to work harder for my chemistry, I scored a B4 for my physics but my chemistry pulled my entire combined science's results down. And that situation applies to my art too, now I guess my grade's a C4? It just came blurting out from my mouth, I don't usually say those kind of things. That only applies when I'm really mad, Lord, I tried to tolerate, please guide me along. You await your final hour with fear you loathe the end of days, i'm still awaiting. Everything I say to you comes from the bottom of my heart, and how did you repay me? What have you ever done for me? I'm here to show them love within, listen to Him speak so holy. Learn to love your enemies, tolerate no matter what. I'm not afraid to stand up, I'm not afraid to stand up for my beliefs. Always did it on my own then one day I realized the true meaning of it. Doesn't matter if you don't get what I say nor interested in what I write, I don't care do you?
I look up to feel the Almighty. Dear Lord, oh how I love You so much, with Your grace that take away the hurt and bruises inside me. Lord You kept me alive and life is never boring with You. The hands of Yours that were being nailed on the cross, You pulled me out of trouble and i'm in doubt. You touch my heart in such a way that all I can do is cry Your name Jesus Christ. My heart aches for Your love, I believe in You and I hope that You can really help me out here. I'm at a loss for words, everything I do now seems to be empty, what did I do and what can I do? Is that what I really want in life? What's my goal? Sudden thoughts coming in here and there. I tried to cry out from the inside, but I guess my soul did not pour itself out enough. Everything was wrong, nothing was right, at least that is what I thought. On the outside it looked fine but no one could tell what's on the inside. Forgive me God for all of these years of my transgressions, I know You can change me and I'm glad I heard you spoke to me. Guide me through all troubles, I need You! In Jesus's name I pray, amen.
No longer keeping quiet, no longer standing still. No longer giving in, no longer going back. I stand strong praying for love always to be in my heart.
someone set me free.
1:54 AM
Saturday, February 10, 2007
What's up with it now? I heard it and then I just wanted to recede back and leave things the way it is. Can things be sorted out? I know things shouldn't be handled this way, but how am I going to react to this? I want to treasure all those around me, I look at what has happened and I began to think of the consequences. What if all these were to be taken away? I don't want to pity others or have second thoughts about them. Walking paths I've never heard of, struggling in an endless battle, searching for a higher purpose. Left hidden inside, I don't wish for things to be like that. It's just that I don't want to give in too easily, as you said, play hard for it.
Anyways, our group still haven't completed this NE project thing. It's like we have to do stuffs related to filming and animation. Kind of a first time to me, hope I would be able to learn some things. I'm quite disappointed these few days, and it's just that I don't want to show my unhappiness out. Not really going to say what happened, I acted as if it wasn't such a big thing for me. Yet i know it deep within myself that this is not what I wanted, and that I had always expected more. So we had more secondary ones joining us, think I've lost count already. We did marching as usual, and I took some new secondary ones. They did improve, but when we were marching, I noticed something about this particular girl. And then I went to relate it to the other people, it's sad to hear what had happened. They all wanted to give up on her, actually I didn't really want to be in it, but why did you want to do it? I used to be a particular situation as before, now I realised how does it feel to be like that.
Now I know everything, could only look back and realise what I've done is wrong. Nothing really happened much in school, just that my group of friends are getting crazier and crazier day by day. But it's not a bad thing thou, I love those guys a lot. Compassion, where is it in me? I tried to overcome all these things and yet all I got was disbelief. Never expected it before, I'm just disappointed with what has happened to me. What was I thinking anyways? So high on believing and not seeing your changing, I carry the weight and I'm weary. I pretended to be alright all these while, but do anyone know how I feel and all? I doubt so, I was always the one worrying about this and that. But the bible says that we shouldn't worry about our tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. What's with this insecurity? Despite of your treason and a future I'm fearing, I try to run when the walls come down. Trying to hide from the feelings I'm fearing but still I can't respect your decision.
Had an art test on wednesday, that's when I got really pissed off. You think it's easy to draw my artpiece? It took me quite some time and effort you know? Did you even appreciate what I drew, I guess you were too busy nagging about me. Anyways, I'm guessing no one appreciates what you do, why should I respect you? Showing you attitude throughout the whole lesson, weird I don't know why I kept listening to sad music these few days. Maybe that is what caused me to constantly have moodswings, I think about it and got sad over it. It's nice to you all behave like that and I didn't want to say much. I don't want to spoil all the good mood, I'm crying alone and no one knows. I want to keep it all inside for the time being, I thought back and realised how wrong was I to think of it that way. Past is the past, I've done some things wrong, God please forgive me. I can't take it no more, a life in a lie where I scream and I cry. Here's the words I never said since your teary dismay, take a step back look at what we've become.
Those ex-commonwealthians came back to our school to get back their O level results. I was near the parade square there commanding the secondary ones, and I can practically hear her talk so loud. I saw some people jumping around and I saw people crying, and I thought of it myself. How I wished I could be the one crying, not because I did badly, but because my results is beyong my expectations. Hoping for this day to come, I don't want to ask for much, is that so much to ask for? I know it all depends on my hard work, I can't think of it like that now! I got to face it and tell myself to wake up and pay attention in class. When you all start to quarrel, why must you guys always pull us in it? Or are you all just treating us as your punching bags, do you know how we feel a not? I didn't want to say much, because what I say always put me in an awkward position. I'm tried to change myself, but do you all tried to change yourself too? I know I can't change people, so I'll start by changing myself.
Kind of a random post, I also don't know what am I thinking about. I'm so messed up! My mind's a complete mess, I don't want to always depend on others. I can only pray to You, hoping that You'll give me a second chance. Dear Lord, why am i feeling like that these past few days? It used to work when I asked You for it. And then now I'm feeling so down just because I forgot to remember. I know You can't do anything now, it's a fixed decision and no one can ever change that. I can only pray that things will get better each day and that You'll guide me through no matter what. I hope You can see what I've done for you, see my hard work. I'm trying my best but my best isn't enough at all, give me wisdom! I want to show my love, care and concern, but I'm guessing things are just going to be the same and not change. Lord, I'm asking for a miracle to happen these few days, I believe in You. Please, I'm so screwed up now, what was I thinking? I know You can make things right for me, in Jesus's name I pray, amen. All things do with love, it takes time.
I shatter all doubts surfacing, this is my rescue and salvation undivided and blessed vision.
I don't want to make it a big deal
12:22 AM
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
It's been some time since i last updated already, i guess i really don't have time to use the computer anymore, which is kind of sad. Oh well, i won't let my blog rot just because of my school right? Anyways, i guess i wasn't really prepared for my chemistry common test today. I don't even understand a single thing miss tian said, gone case already.
So i didn't studied much the day before, and i can say that i regretted it a lot. When the test started, i realised that there were people copying, but i won't name them out. And for no reason, i don't know why the teacher kept staring at yingzhen and me. Anyways, heard from mdm sri that our filming is finished and that our NE project is done. Can't believe it, wonder how it'll look when it's being presented during assembly on total defence day. Today's math remedial is quite slack, and i was quite disappointed at my marks for the elementary mathematics. Did a few questions and mdm chang let us off, she said something to me before she left. But i can't remember what she said! Something about my attitude, don't know whether it's a good or bad thing also. Nothing much after that i guess, went home and slept till dinnertime. Don't know which genius woke me up, why do i keep falling asleep so easily!
Having eating disorders? I guess so, kept stuffing myself with food these few days. Also don't know why i did that, and for sure, i'm going to gain weight! Kind of lazy to do running too, i got to refrain myself from eating too much already. Real sorry for what i did today, i didn't know what came over me during that time. I don't want my impression of you to go much worst, just an influence. It's acting up, i wanted to avoid it, i mean the things i say. I don't want to think back, i tried ways not to think back anymore. I even prayed to God not to let me see it again, but i guess you don't have faith in Him at all. Without faith, how is it possible to get close to Him? Think about it, i'm not the one who's complaining, look around you and see what you've done. I won't speak a word anymore, because whatever i say doesn't make sense to you at all. Both our mindsets are different and i doubt there's anyway others could even help you. It's all in you, no more are the days that i will fear. For i have found a strength that none can match and i'll push forward.
Why can't i just clear my mind, pray to God to give me wisdom to study well and listen to the teacher? Is it so hard? I can't concentrate in class anymore, and i cannot answer myself. Anyways still haven't do detention yet, hope those discipline people won't call out my name. Maybe i should just get straight to the point with you don't you think? I don't want to worry about this and that everytime, what am i thinking about? Having cca tomorrow, heard from mr vilau that he's going to transfer some new girls into this cca. Is it a good thing for us? We're going crazy! It's funny to see you all behave like this whenever i see things like this happen. It startled me once before and it lives in me, will it happen again? The lives that they once had were forever gone, a life that once dwells in shadows is now where they belong. Walking on an empty trail, you're walking on with silent steps. Don't want to stir what is in rest, legend told so many times, is it true or is it lie? I wasn't asking for the world and you know that i'm not one to follow through.
You won't find me here the place that you expected me to be. I'm closing in on you, when you wake up, it'll all be gone. You will find me here the place you least expected me to be breaking through your door, but there's never closure find your solace in what you could have been. Looking down on me through eyes that never stop crying looking down on me, will you ever look away? Find me something out there, that's making sense and it's just another trend hidden in you. I won't give up on you, not unless until you give up on yourself first. Dear Lord, i know humans make mistakes and they sin. I don't know what i did at that time, what even brought me to doing that in the first place? Would i be able to bear the consequences at the later stage? I'm not mentally prepared, so i guess that's why i'm feeling like this now. It's all in me, it's whether i want to do it a not. The way i feel about you can't be like that! Lord, let me have compassion, i'm begging you. I'm asking you, and i hope you'll help me out here, in jesus's name i pray, amen. Is it too much to ask for?
I'll look back, with honour and no regrets. I won't be mad, won't feel bad these memories will never leave me. Don't be sad cause life goes on, it's getting too late as tomorrow is here.
hopelsssly waiting
1:22 AM
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Well it's been some time since i last blogged, many things happened and i'm at a loss for words. I don't know where to start, and i've been thinking about this all along. Anyways, i got detention and i'm like so lazy to go. Plus the principal said that everyone must report to school at 7:20am, and that time i reached school at 8:05am. I was super shocked when the bus just closed the doors without me, anyways it's kind of a bad day for me that time. I don't want to remember anything on that day anymore.
Let's see, we had art during the first period. And as usual, we were slacking inside the art room, i don't even know what to draw. Miss ruth ng was talking non-stop as usual, seriously i don't really care what you say, no offence by the way. After that is PE lesson, mr lim wanted us to run around the whole school twice, which makes about 1.7km. It's been some time since i last ran, hope my stamina ain't that bad. The route was horrible, plus the wind is so big! It basically messed my fringe, i was holding my fringe and running at the same time. So my time is 9 minutes and 18 seconds, good or bad? I don't know, i only care about my fringe. Ain couldn't breath after she ran, hope she'll feeling better after that. During recess, my sis and puifun went to the student centre to collect the keys for our lockers. Luckily my locker wasn't at the bottom, it's at the top. Thanks haqim for lending me your i-pod during math lesson!
We thought of running away from guides, but i guess mrs loh's serious about us going to zhenghua secondary school. Before that, adeline, my sis and i went to look after the secondary ones. During that time i was really pissed off with a particular person, how dare she say the secondary fours are lousy? For goodness sake open your eyes can a not? Who's doing all the job? And yet who's getting all the credit in the end? Isn't there fairness anymore? I know you just want to keep quiet and do all your things, but can't you just stand up for yourself? I don't like the sight of you all being taken advantage of. I can't do much, nor can i say much. The secondary ones were quite easy to get along with, and i can't believe they were so interested in what i'm talking about. After that went off already, adeline and me tried to hide around, and was hoping mrs loh wouldn't see us. Anyways we did something, it's funny too. I wanted to keep quiet about it, something just made me blurt it out.
Went to play basketball with cuizhen and gina, both of them so funny. I love you guys! I saw it and i was utterly disappointed in it, i wanted to stay away from it. But something just brings all this back once more, running away isn't the way out anymore. The more i tried to escape from it, the more it's coming back. I ever tried to feel the same way as you, but what do i get in the end? No matter how hard i try to unwind, tears keep falling from my eyes. Lead me home to familiar places and back to crystalline skies. When should i react? When will it be a good time for me to relate it all out ot you? I'm all filled with questions, but who has the answers for me? Time for a breather let it all sink in. A pause from the deceiver and to reach deep within, i close my eyes if only for a second to let my courage rise. All i need is one more reason, the struggling of finding the truth behind the lies. I wept for my sins, i kept wondering why did i even bother doing that in the first place?
I was hoping you wouldn't care anymore, but yet you still refuse to give up. I don't want to say anything, because what i say always turns out wrong. Leave the lie you got to find a way, ask yourself why and give yourself a reason to stay. I'm receding back without you know, you got to stand firm without me. I won't always be there for you, don't ever rely on someone. Have faith in yourself, i have faith in you too. Why want to care about what they say to you? It's your life not theirs, you take control of it and live it the way you want. Sometimes i find it quite unreasonable of you to sort things out this way, isn't there any other way out? Left behind we are stranded not free, in silence i cry what went wrong was it me. Father please forgive me, falling out of what i know is true. Relentless i'm speechless, i'm fooled by my inner weakness. Enticing inspiring, your words were so convincing and delightful but soulless claimed harmless wishes seems less. Every morning's the beginning of a recreation day.
Small progess seems futile but is as valuable as life. Dear Lord, no one knows about it except you and me. Guide me through all this things, i don't know what to do now. I'm so caught up with my own personal stuffs and i really don't have time to think and settle this. Make my heart pure, stir in my heart, make me have compassion for all this people. Why do i constantly feel like that everytime i look into everyone of your eyes? I don't want the matter to get worst anymore, help me out here. I know what i'm doing now is not enough and it'll never be enough, but hope you'll see my efforts. In jesus's name i pray, amen. I won't give up, nor will i not have faith in you. You've done so many things for me, i just can't think of any other ways to thank you. Walking paths you never heard of, struggling in an endless battle, searching for a higher purpose. Why are you doing all this things in the first place? I hope nothing goes wrong..
you said it in the first place
12:02 AM
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