Thursday, November 30, 2006
Don't know what pushed me to post an entry. Oh well, i'm guessing there wouldn't be any harm to post an entry. Nobody bothers to read everything too, who cares by the way. Seriously i'm getting lazier and lazier by the minute. Sometimes i myself don't even know what i think is right for myself. Am i doing all these things for nothing?
Seriously, i don't know why i like neopets so much. Kind of childish right? But who cares! Nobody can stop me from being childish and all! But still, my favourite game in neopets' still meerca chase. Goodness! My highest score ever, nine hundred and fifty! Is that score high? Oh well, doesn't matter. The food being sold there, it's so damn delicious. Wished they were real food. Oh no, i'm drifting off already, i can't believe i'm addicted to neopets more than audition. Time for me to tune back. I've been thinking about what has happened before, what should be my answer to you. My current situation, nothing's helping much. I don't know how to take the next step..
I didn't know there's so much to do there. Until that word,"hi" was being sent to. From that moment onwards, i knew things would go terribly wrong. But why bother looking at it in the first place? If i know tragedy was going to strike, what for would i want to do that. I guess that happened in a moment of greed. But everyone continued doing for the sake of it, seriously i don't know myself. When things are gone, and never coming back. I guess maybe stuffs in it just wants to take it back no matter what. No matter how things may get much more worst than before, that's when people start getting persistant about it. It gets worst, i doubt i can get through this situation without getting hurt. Mentally prepared i guess..
After you told me all these things, from this moment onwards. I knew this world can come to me in different ways. But i'm still thinking of the past, where you used to do all this things to me. I was stupid to avoid it and walking away from all my problems. Something tells me that when i try to get close to it, my heart isn't even close to it at all. Everytime you tried to get close to me, those thoughts start to come back to me. I was thinking back and i realised what you've done to me. Nevertheless, i will escape from it again, run away and never come back. I don't want to live with this horror in my mind. During that period, it's a freaking traumatic experience for me. No one likes to remember all those times i spent there, why bother getting pissed off again?
All those things you've done, i guess some things are just too memorable for me. It's all bad impressions of you, as if said, nothing good comes from it. I don't want to remember anything, it's best i forget all about it. Oh yes, went back to the old school to pack some stuffs. Seriously i was rotting there like dead fish! It's like i'm waiting for my death like that. My sister and i went back to the old school to pack some stuffs. Anyways, thanks to miss kokila for her ten dollars treat. Can't believe she treat us to lunch, anyways, thanks again! Before that, marina told me that i was the only one who passed the elementary mathematics re-test. And i was like, you sure a not? Must be bluffing me, and then my sister and i met mdm chang in the staff room. She said i was the only one who passed my elementary mathematics re-test, cool!
So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road. Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home. At the end of the road, you'll find what you've been longer for. I know, cause my feet have the scars to show. I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home. It's time for you to press on, this is not your war, set your sights to north. And press on, this is not your escape. Wash way what they thought of you. Because in this place, we're all as good as dead, end cycle. Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone, It's not the end of road for you. I don't know how to face you..
i don't want to
11:37 AM
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I'm still tired, oh well, let me just let the photos do all the talking. Here are the photos, thailand here we come!
Leaving singapore, cries.
Cool, we're walking up the aeroplane!
Inside the aeroplane, it's a bit squeezy.
That woman don't know how to differentiate my current face and my passport face.
The view of thailand from the hotel.
Oh my gosh! So many puppies!
Went to watch a show, most of the "women" there are called ah guas.
We took a photo with two of them, seriously they look better than me.
Thailand, thailand!
Something's wrong with this sentence. O_o
Welcome to Dream World! I hate doing that peace sign!
I don't think you can see my sister and i playing this roller coaster.
Bumper boat with my dad, brother and sister.
After taking this ride, i seriously felt like vomitting.
Get seated, get seated!
Went to watch a hollywood action show? Nice layout!
Can you spot my sister and i? This ride also made me feel like vomitting!
Big chair, woah!
Strong prisoners.
Last day here, waiting for the bus to fetch us to the airport.
Finally get to see near the window in the aeroplane, the view so nice!
Alright, that's some of the photos we took in thailand. Seriously there are a lot more, but sadly i didn't manage to take some photos especially at night. It's either i forgot to take the camera, or i'm too busy shopping. I got so many things to say about the things in thailand, and i don't know where to start first. Let me just summarize it i guess.
Didn't do much on the first day, when we reached the hotel, it was quite late already. So we basically checked in, ate dinner and slept. The second day, we went to shop in the morning and in the afternoon! I think my legs are going to break soon, but who cares? I get to buy the things i want, plus everything is so cheap there! And during the night, my dad took my sister and i to the night bazaar. Let me tell you, the place is HUGE! I doubt we even walked half of the place. But anyways, we shopped there for about two hours plus, the things are so cheap! But i guess two hours isn't really enough for me, i still want to shop more thou. And then we took a taxi back, let me tell you, that taxi driver was practically speeding the whole way. So we reached the hotel at around one in the morning. Don't really feel that tired thou..
So the third day, we woke up and the first thing i can think of is to shop! All of us took the MRT to a market, which was VERY HUGE! I'm not kidding, that place is very very big. I think it's about four or five times a football field. Even if i have the whole day, i doubt i can walk finish the whole market. But somehow, i can't remember the market name, i'll find out from my parents i guess. Seeing my parents bargaining with the people there really made me laugh my socks off. The way they bargain is really damn funny, i've never seen them behave like this in my entire life. Oh well, we basically shop till we drop, the things there are also super cheap. You can buy a pair of slippers for two dollars and you can even buy a pair of shoes for four dollars. Cool ain't? Plus the materials isn't that bad at all..
After shopping till late afternoon, we had our dinner and we're going to watch a show. The tour guide said that it's an ah gua show. Which basically means that they are men, which went for a sex change to become women. Anyways, the show is really funny, and it made me laugh non-stop. Seriously i don't see any difference in them at all. Some really looked like a woman, whereas some did look a bit like a woman. But one thing for sure, their voices can never change. After the show, we walked down the staircase and we just took a photo with some of them. And my mum have to tip those people! I saw my mum handling about four dollars to each of them, oh well..
The fourth day had arrived, my dad told us that we're going to a theme park. So we took a bus there, the journey is very long! Turns out that everyone was sleeping except for me, i was too busy taking photos of the view outside. When we reached there, there were tons of people! I soon realised that it was a family day, and we should be expecting a lot of families and people there. Plus we have to wait quite long to take a ride, but who cares? I did had a lot of fun there! And at night, we'll be watching a cultural show. That place was so damn high class and guess what? During the show, the spotlight was pointing at my dad! And my dad was being called to the stage to perform in front of thousands of people, and our family was practically laughing throughout his performance. Turns out that our tour guide had arranged this, but anyways, the show was great! I'm not kidding, i want to watch it again!
And then, both my sister and i dyed our hair, the process was damn funny. Okay okay, last day didn't do much, drove to the airport and waited for our flight. The flight back home was a bit rough, full of ups and downs. After that when i came home, i got the shock of my life. My friends came over to our house to celebrate our birthday! I cried when i saw all of them, what a surprise! Thanks for celebrating with us, it's going to be memorable for me. :)
What are you two doing?!
Birthday girls!
Group photo!
Where are we looking at? Smiles!
A group photo of ASG!
p.s. Take care odelia! Hope you'll have fun in bintan! I'm going to miss you! :)
Well, just want to say thanks to everyone! I LOVE YOU ALL!
1:16 PM
Monday, November 27, 2006
i'm finally back in singapore! breathing singapore's air now. Anyways, i'll blog tomorrow i guess, seriously i got a lot to say. Landed at around 8pm, feel like sleeping now. The first thing i went to do is to on my hand phone! Five days without handphone, it's really torturing. Cool, i got more than forty messages! Anyways my hair's been dyed red. Plus i'm guessing the colour would wear off in a few days or week. What can you expect from a four dollars dye? I'll blog a lot more tomorrow. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER AND I!!!! :)
10:56 PM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I'm back from camp! Well, i came back a day earlier cause of my thailand trip tomorrow. This camp is absolutely, unexplainable. I don't know whether i should say this camp rocks or sucks. And it's not a bad thing at all, well not totally. I just have this feeling inside me, of course i'm not going to tell anyone right? Isn't that a little too obvious, plus eyes are all around you. You won't know who's looking at this, i don't want to get in trouble again. So anyways, went to school a bit earlier than others cause the patrol leaders should arrive first. And then just did some briefing, after everyone arrived, some mad woman was constantly shouting at us. What the hell, she got PMS is it? I guess so, or did she quarrelled with her husband? Many people thought it's such a bad way to start off our camp. I guess that's just the way she is..
And then we went to do some patrol things together. I love my patrol a lot! Yes, we rock we rock! Take care of yourself when zhibing and i are away from you guys! Let me see, after that we did some lessons. Which is so boring, we seriously feel like sleeping when we're at the classroom. No offence, but that's just what some of us also feel, so don't blame me. After that was dinner, oh my goodness, the chilli was so damn hot. I'm not kidding, it can make you go panting around. Luckily i didn't take so much, the rest of you, greedy! All i can say is that the secondary twos had did a great job, even thou it's weird not to have water games. Which we would never fail to have yearly. But it's okay, we had fun with the games and all. We did the banana dance! And we all look so riduculous, but we had to be enthusiastic right?
Many of us don't want to bathe that early, and many of us wanted to go out of the school. Some tried to climb over the gate, imagine if we had no mother's day. It'll be hilarious, but instead i'm stuck in the dnt block there. Seriously the place is damn scary, especially when it just rained cats and dogs, you can hear weird sounds too. Don't know why when we should be sleeping that time, many people don't really feel like sleeping. And was i one of the earlier ones who slept? I hope not, but when i woke up in the morning, i heard some news. Turns out that the secondary ones and the twos quarrelled, my reaction was, what the? I know what happened, but i don't want to type it out here, maybe it's just a waste of my time and energy. Can't believe adeline and me skipped physical training without being noticed by anyone. Seriously i'm not used to exercising so early in the morning.
What else, we made our patrol identity, which is weird. It should be done on the first day, don't know why it's on the second day. Anyways, insyirah is our designer! Shafidah tied our strings, zhibing is the out-liner, while renee, stella and i were colouring. Okay okay, i wrote down all of your names here already! Should be honoured okay? I just wonder what they're doing now. And we still played treasure hunt, seriously i don't mind getting wet in the rain! After that we just went to prepare our dinner. Adeline and i went to the staff room to de-frost the chicken plus do some other things with it. Seriously i've never done anything like this in my entire life. Both of us were so proud with ourselves! Plus my three fingers got cut and my ankle got sprained, guess what? It's the right hand and leg. Weird? And then i guess people are having a tough time with the fire, but we had to leave halfway..
Heard dinah said that guides wouldn't be so much fun without us. With us around, everything would be so fun, goodness. I feel so touched by what she had said to us, sad to see them get left behind too. Anyways have fun you guys! I finally saw your true self. Okay, things are seriously getting weirder and weirder each day. I can't believe i did that too, and i doubt i'll forget it for the rest of my life. Maybe it's just part of life or maybe it's an experience for me. But i'll try to forget about what has happened before, memories like this isn't worth my confusion. A side of me told me to go for it, and the other is telling me that everything will go wrong. But everytime i tried to go along with my thoughts, i feel that things would turn bad for me. As i thought back and i wonder..
I think i'm addicted to neopets again. What the, the child in me? Many thoughts came back to me as i began to appeal for my freedom. They told me that when i chose this road, i'm going to meet many rocky paths. I guess i was stupid enough to choose this path without any acknowledgement from people around me. Am i going to suffer the consequences now? I came and i began to thought back about the past, where i used to see care-free people walking around. Nothing seems to be bothering them at all, everything is just free. No stress, no worries, no nothing. Maybe things had changed due to them feeling mortified for things they've done. Is changing really a good thing? I guess feelings for each other do change real quickly, after hearing other people's comments for them. It shouldn't be the way..
Held captive, I'm a prisoner. In the back room where the water leaks and i'm oh, so cold. Command me on what to do, but we both know neither you or i are in control. There's nothing left for me here. I'm grabbing on to what's left of this hole. It's all too real this can't be happening. Never again, ever again, will i say i'm okay. I'm scared of the fate that will become mine. No time to talk you know the drill, under my desk this can't be it. I'm only dreaming, i've got to be dreaming. But i can't get up. No time to talk, not this time, this is my place. This is where i arrange. It's so funny how we see things so clear when we have no time left to live. So lay back now and take it is. I won't say a word, i won't say anything, i can't believe how it feels. To stand here in this room, and feel like it's going to blow. I think we're all going to blow. I've got to be dreaming, we've got to be dreaming. Please don't wake me up, this is the end.
But i guess that's just how they want things to be. Brain-wash me? Never! I shan't be influenced by you all, therefore i'll respect my own decision. There seems to be this worries within me, worries about not being all this and that. I guess i'll do some deep thoughts while i'm alone. I'm tired of everything, i shouldn't feel like that when i see the sight of it. Everything is yours and i shall stay away from it. Anyways going thailand tomorrow, hope there wouldn't be any quarrels within us. I've worked hard for this day, and i hope no one ruins it. I'm going to miss you guys a lot! Can't believe i'm leaving singapore for quite some time, will be back on the 27th, believe me i'll miss you all! :)
it started out wrong
11:46 PM
Monday, November 20, 2006
I don't get it, once i say the word "wait." You'll get all overreacted and all, i don't see the point for you to get all overreacted about it. But i guess that's the way you are, it takes time for you to change. Many of us had been waiting for so long for this to happen, maybe it'll be a miracle for this to happen..
Why must you leave us so early? I don't know what to do without you, you were there when i needed somebody. I guess there's a limit in everything, and time is limited. Hope you're having a good life. What else? Sad to say i'm leaving for camp tomorrow, and i don't know whether i'll have time to blog when i come back on the 22th. I doubt my parents would allow me to use the computer too. Anyways! Just want to take precaution, i'll try to blog more today. But on a second thought, nobody gives a damn on what i'm blogging about. Who bothers reading it? Comment all you want, because i can't be bothered with you people anymore. Learnt something today, you can get overreacted just by asking a question. What the hell, you're so damn freaking weird..
First time ever in history, the bag that i'm bringing for camp. It's the smallest! Hope i don't forget to bring anything thou. Seriously, the clothes and stuffs i bring is very limited. Anyways i guess i'll be bring my phone tomorrow, if you got anything then you can message me! I just can't live without my phone, that's just me right? I can't make a decision, and when i make a decision. You would constantly come barging into my life, you already left it long ago. So why bother stepping back in again? You're doing more harm than you can imagine, not you, but most importantly me. In short, i'm seriously much happier off without you. Why do i want to waste my time, i've made the mistake and i'm trying to re-pay it back. But in the end, you're not losing anything out. I'm the one who's taking all the blame and all these humiliations, when did you ever spare all this thoughts for me?
Just when things are looking bright, i never did mind how much all this consequences may do to me. But then all this feelings start to come back to me, all this sufferings i've suffered before. All this misery which made me miserable. Come to think of it, i feel that i've had enough of you. But sometimes you do stuffs which made me feel so guilty and all those things. You made me experience feelings i cannot explain, you made me feel so speechless. I don't know how am i going to face you when i meet you during the later parts of my life. I don't always have to tell you how i feel about what i'm doing. Neither should i listen to your comments that you have for me. Who do you think you are? You're not someone that i should totally respect. Firstly, you don't even spare a freaking thought for me. All you care is for yourself, and everything is always about you, you and you. You don't deserve anything nice i guess..
Sometimes you do stuffs that may make me happy, but at times. You're always commenting on whatever i do, and it turns out that you're always unhappy in whatever i do. I guess that's how you want things to be. I can't stop you, neither nor other people can. I guess i'll just leave you alone for the time being. Stop appearing infront of me at the wrong time, stop saying the wrong things to me. I don't want to have ambivalence for you, you're seriously someone important to me. And i don't want things to turn nasty in the end, i just don't wish for things like that. I don't know how should i feel when i meet you, what should i be doing when i'm spending time with you? Something just tells me that it isn't right, i have to get out of there..
Will things ever look bright for me someday, i was hoping for all this to end. Currently, i doubt things would look better, as i can say, it gets worser. And everytime you're complaining that you don't want to take sides and all those. For goodness sake, nobody is forcing you to do the things you don't like. It's all part of you, it's all in your head. Something people like you is so damn ridiculous, wonder how your parents stand you. I'm falling deeper and deeper into the well, i don't wish to come back up. When i come back up, everyone would always be demanding for homage, for their rights. Sometimes, i too, don't wish to be part of this anymore. Anymore of your problems, it's up to you to solve it yourself. I can't always be there to help you do all this things, what happens if i'm not able to? Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. So why can't you just admit you're wrong? You can learn from it and move on with your freaking life..
Seriously you're not always right, stop being so arrogant and all. You may not know this yourself, but sooner or later, you'll realise what you've done. And by that time, i'll make sure you'll regret and remember this incident for the rest of your life. Things happen for a reason, and i don't know why mine had turned into a disaster. Mine did not happen for a reason, it happened because i just feel like it. I myself don't even know why am i doing all this things at all, what's my purpose in life? It lies in the same place and i don't want things to be moved around anymore. Once i've moved it, i should take pride in putting things back in order. I don't want things to be like that anymore, it's seriously being flawed badly. I guess there's nothing i can do to make things happen like before. What have i done? Don't you think you're exagerrating a little too much?
I guess nobody gives a damn, it's too typical of you don't you think? People always end up saying the same things to you, and yet nobody cares about what other people feel. That's just the way it is, that's just the things they want us to think. Oh well, i should seriously go pack my bag now, i shan't procrastinate it any further! I think i've made up my decision, i choose my own path and do the things i think it's right. The results are mine and i won't heed advices from people, it just always turns out wrong. I won't be hurt ever again, anyways, i'm going to miss you all!Take care! Smiles :)
never wished to be separated
10:58 PM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Realised that i typed quite a lot of things yesterday, maybe i'll lessen my burden for today. Nobody's forcing me to blog anyways, well i'm just feel like blogging and i don't give a damn. See all you want and comment whatever you want, i'm too tired to talk back with you. Feel like an idiot at times, but i guess that's just what you want me to be right?
Anyways i seriously have this smell on me. It's a mixture of flour, eggs, butter and much more smells. Guess what? I baked my own cookies! Cool, first time ever in history, i baked my own set of chocolate cookies! And guess what? All my family members said that my cookies are nice! Not bad for a first timer, but i seriously smell like eggs now, something happened which i was cracking the eggs. Not going to say what happened! It's so shameful, and all of you will surely laugh at what had happened to me. Maybe i should bring it to let those guides try my cookies, hope i get compliment thou. I seriously almost screwed up my whole cookies, but hey! I didn't accept any help from anyone else okay! While my mum's constantly nagging about how dirty the kitchen was. Come on, i'm only a first timer, i will confirm make a mess, right?
So while i was baking and doing all that sort of things, my sister suddenly came over and showed me this big smile, while she's holding her phone. I thought some dumb guy messaged her, and that she'll be very happy. And then she suddenly asked me this question,"eh how many marks do you think you'll get for your re-test?" I just said the first number that came out of my mind, and i said 36. And then she suddenly said that mdm chang messaged her and i got 35/50! Goodness, means i got an A2 for my re-test! Yes, i'm going to 4/6 already! Wow so damn happy, but somehow i'm not all totally happy. Is he happy with my results? But seriously, something tells me that you're not quite satisfied. Oh well, nothing's ever good for you and i should know that.
All this while i had been studying and studying. And i could see all of them playing and playing. Stupid feeling i have inside, but as i said, i didn't blame anyone at all. So, just want to thank everyone who helped me with my math. And to odelia, thanks for staying back with me after school and making me smile whenever i'm feeling down. Seriously thanks a lot, and thanks terence for telling me that formula before i went up. That question asked me for that formula! Who else, and thanks to all that 26 people who wished me good luck. But seriously family is still my first priority, and that i appreciate what you've all done for me. Really woke my mind up, at least you woke most of it up. Oh my goodness, i'm talking as if i've just won an award like that. I'm so damn freaking lame..
Couldn't concentrate for a reason, and that reason is still you. I can't make a decision now, i'm so caught up with the consequences. What if i said yes? Would things get even more complicated for me? A relationship, i was afraid the same old things will happen again. And i don't wish to encounter all this sort of things again. But at the same time, i don't know how to answer myself. Maybe i should start to think of an answer, before things get worser. I should just let fate decide by itself, for the time being, i'll enjoy my life being single! Yes i know how you feel after what he said to you, isn't it obvious? He's just seeking attention i guess, ain't i right? Hope you two won't get into the same class next year. I'll interrogate you again, trust me, you'll find a solution very quickly. Nothing is worth getting upset for, move on! People like this shouldn't be cared for at all, nor being noticed. I just have this feeling being kept inside me for a long time, questions being left unanswered..
Tomorrow we'll be having some flea market at Lot 1! Come down to support us! Especially during 9:30am onwards, because that's the time i'll be at the stall. I don't see how our products are going to be sold away. Not that i have no faith in our stall, it's just that even if you give it to me for free. I wouldn't want all those products, uh-oh did i just said that out? Oh well, who cares? Hope things goes out well tomorrow, kind of excited i think? I'm just freaking mad that the other cca is not doing anything at all, last week. It seems like it's the only five of us staying back after school to do all this worthless things. And they even told me that she's not happy with our performance at all. Plus she practically screamed at them? In the first place, we're not even given the proper materials! You give us shit, we'll give you shit results..
Nowadays, they're getting so ridiculous, and they have no sense of shame at all. Can't you respect and be thankful for what we've done to you? Be more grateful can a not? You freaking bunch of irritating, useless people. During that time, i can admit that i was holding back all my anger. I seriously don't want to burst in front of you guys, and i guess it wasn't the right time too. I'm not kidding, i can scream at your face if it weren't for all of you to be there. I just held it back at that time, i too don't know why. Appreciate what we've done for you okay! If it weren't for us, you'll seriously be lacking before. And that's the time when you'll surely feel more depressed. I know you're not that kind of a person who can take stress at all, according to what they've told me. You're freaking spoilt ain't?
Next week's going to be so memorable for me! I'll be having cca camp during the 21st to the 23rd, but i'll only be spending one night there. So zhibing! Good luck with our patrol, don't let them push you around like last time, when i wasn't around to help you. Win the best patrol award! If they have one, oh well, it's sad to just leave halfway the camp. And on the 23rd till the 27th, i'll be in thailand! Seriously it's very disappointing for me, i missed out so many things! When i say many things, i seriously meant missing out on a lot of things. Plus it's also my birthday on the 27th, wonder how they'll be spending our birthday. On the aeroplane maybe? Goodness, i'm so damn lame, but they had plans. And they refuse to tell me! Oh well, it's for me to find out on that day right? I'm seriously going to miss you all, and i guess i won't be updating for quite some time. Don't miss me! Even thou i know you won't give a damn at all. Why am i talking like that all of a sudden..
I'll try to update before i go for my camp, or even maybe the day before my trip to thailand. It's so damn funny, all my clothes that i've packed for my trip. They're all black! And my parents thought i was crazy or something, my favourite colour's black, does it really matters? I doubt so, stop breathing my air! Did i type a lot? Oh well, guess i got caught up..
Maybe i haven't told anyone before, i don't know how to express my feelings out to anyone. Is my conscious clear? I feel bad for the things i've done to you before, i'm not even sure of myself. Things are complicated at this moment, plus i'm not sure of what i want to gain in the end. Am i satisfied with my current status? Ridiculous..
it's not right
7:31 PM
Friday, November 17, 2006
Finally! I've been waiting for this day for a very long time! Seriously i had, been suffering in my 'prison' for a very long time. Finally finally! I can press this keyboard and click on the mouse, okay okay, i'm getting lamer and lamer. It's been a hectic week for me again, i just don't know how to explain my situation to you all now. Sometimes it's a good thing for me, but i think i'm seriously getting sick of what i'm getting now. I just don't dare to express my feelings out infront of you people. Caught up in a situation, i don't know what to do now. Everytime i hear this song, i get this unexpected feeling suddenly. So that song is funeral for a friend- history. Seriously that song is very nice, don't know why. You guys should hear that song..
So anyways, finally it's the holidays for the secondary three! Been suffering in class and at home for three weeks, but it's sad to see them go thou. Missed the times we've been together, even thou i seriously hate the sight of you. Oh well, let me say about my re-test first. I've been preparing and studying all this while, even thou it may be weird. But i seriously have never studied so hard for a test before. Like my dad says,"it's a matter of life and death." So it's sort of a no choice thing. He went to appeal without me knowing and it scared the hell out of me. I guess that really woke me up, i need to really concentrate and not play all day. Concentrate damn you! Stop thinkig about other things are isn't related to this re-test. He make it seems as if this re-test is really important to him or what..
Maybe all his actions made my heart soft. When i see you do all this stuffs, i wanted to cry it out and apologise a million times. It's all my fault, it's always my fault. I shouldn't think of all those things in the first place, i shouldn't be distracted by all those kind of things. I don't blame anyone for my today, i know that i was the one who had brought this upon myself. Did i even blame you in the first place? It isn't my fault too, i didn't even said it's your fault at all. I've made up my mind, i'm going to put all this stuffs behind me. There's no use glaoting about it all day long, i'm not getting any better nor is the situation. I might as well give it up, that's what i want things to be. You're not going to change my way of thinking anymore, i'm sick of listening to you and looking at your dumb behaviour. I guess you're not that kind of person that is worthy of my time. fuck shit you..
Things are starting to look brighter for me, but something tells me it's going to look bad sooner or later. It isn't rally bright, it's just that all this feelings and things really came unexpectally. I don't know what i've done too, maybe i exaggerated a little bit. Or even maybe a lot, i should have shut my damn mouth up. I said all those things and then the house begin to turn upside down already. Now all your attitude changed towards me, i just merely made a passing remark, you need not take me seriously too. I don't want to point fingers at people, i don't know what should i do now. Every thoughts that i have in mind, you didn't even bother about how i feel at all. Where's your heart? Do you know what you've said had hurt a lot of people's feelings? I'm guessing you don't know that too yourself. Nobody gets you, neither i understand you at all, what are you thinking?
Anyways, i seriously hate that bitch a lot. You know i hold a grudge for you, and yet you still want to look, and even talk at me? Maybe i shouldn't went up at that time, it's a wrong time to that sort of things. Alright, some of you all may know who am i referring to, but i'm still not going to name that person. There's too many eyes around, you wouldn't know who's looking at this piece of shit. It's like i was walking my own path and you were walking yours. Nobody is even stepping on your tail for goodness sake, plus i seriously hate that face of yours. I just looked to the other side, as usual when i always walk pass you. Why did you even call me, and fucking hell, i have a name! Stupid face, i greet whoever i want to greet. You don't need to force me to greet you, stupid idiot. Till today, i seriously hate you even more, i never did like you a lot. You're just a wannabe..
After my re-test, mdm chang said she'll mark my paper when she reach home. And then after that she'll message my sister. A part of me wants to know the result, a part of me doesn't want to know. I'm so damn stuck right now. According to some people, they said it was a easy paper. But i don't want to admit that it's an easy paper. Never mind if you don't get what i mean, i know it myself can already. And then in the morning, she suddenly told us that she won't be setting trigonometry and circles. I spent most of my time on two of that topics! And then both of that topics isn't coming out? You wasted my bloody time studying it, while i can concentrate much more time on the other topics. While those important topics that are coming out, i merely flipped through those pages. I didn't even know they're important topics that are coming out for that freaking re-test.
I'm so sick of studying at that time, even broke down before. Come to think of it, it seems really silly of me to do that. I'm not like some other people who can't even take stress at all. And you kept telling others about our information. Who do you think you are? You're not someone who can spreads all my information around. Ridiculous, if it weren't for us, i bet you wouldn't be smiling at all. All you need is this trust and faith in us, but others told us that you don't believe us at all. Your point of view for us is that we're a bunch of crazy people doing crazy stuffs and never going to succeed. But at least we're not someone like you, who basically always think of the dull side of life. Your stares basically piss us all off and make everyone feel so bad for you, you're just sick..
I can't stand it anymore! I'm not a freaking rubbish bin, you can't always be dumping all your rubbish to me. I'm not a vacuum cleaner too, stop giving me all this junk food. I told you that i wouldn't eat anything after eight. And sometimes when you come back home, when i look at you. Sometimes i do pity you a lot, and sometimes i'll just get pissed off after looking at your face. What for do you want to so-called compete with me, why do you want to make it seems like you're languishing over at a corner? Nobody is forcing you to do the things you don't want to, why don't you just face the fact. Stop pushing all this blames to me or whoever you think you can push around. Things just doesn't and will never go your way anymore, stop escaping reality. Cause a fact's a fact, there's no use escaping from it, you'll have to face it sooner or later i guess..
I've heard many things from each party, well seriously. I don't give a damn too. Hopelessly waiting..
it's sad to see you leave
10:13 PM
Friday, November 10, 2006
I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but you seriously disgust me a lot with your behaviour. So just leave me alone because i can't be bothered with you too. I seriously don't give a damn about what you think and what you want me to do. I don't owe you anything at all..
Oh yes, mdm chang told me today that i'll need to take two papers instead of one. What for make me happy for nothing? What the hell, first paper no calculator, second paper can use. Oh well, i guess there's nothing i can really do now. Let's just hope for the best that i can do well and go to 4/6. Seriously i do feel freaking pressurized when you keep saying about how confident you are with my results. It's like there's some part of me which says i'm not confident with myself too. Sometimes i really just can't get what i'm thinking sometimes, it's just too complicated for me..
Anyways, we got to wear that girl guides uniform today, AGAIN! Plus it's like cca starts so damn early today, half an hour break? Who gives a damn, i only care about me and my hair. I don't want to tie two ponytails! It's so damn freaking acting cute! Oh my goodness, hope no one can remember me and that hairstyle. So everyone was basically damn freaked out about someone from the guide headquarters coming to check on us. Last minute, someone told me instead of alsagoff coming, someone else is coming. So i was damn freaked out about that, and then that lady appeared infront of out school gate. Somehow she looked very familiar, and then i realised it's miss j.!! Goodness, i'm very scared of her, she's not a person to be messed with.
And then, i don't know whether had we screwed up the whole thing anot. I don't know and i don't want to comment on it. You wouldn't know who would be looking at my freaking stinking blog. So nothing much i guess, did some boring art and craft which i hate a lot. Cca really spoil my holidays, my week and my day. Anyways i realised that i shouldn't be drinking too much coffee already. Someone told me it's bad for my health, seriously i realised that it's been doing a lot of harm to me. And my mind is a complete blank this few days, i can't think straight at all. All because of his policy. When someone is tired, no matter how much you force that person today, i'm sure it's no use at all. The information can't be digested in your brain. Don't force me study when i'm tired!
Sorry about this post, it's just random thoughts. Life's hectic for me, people are constantly giving me high expectations. It's never ending, nor will it be for the rest of my life. You're always unhappy with my results, nothing's ever good enough for you. You don't have the trust nor faith in me, so what's the use of making you proud of me? It's always going to be a never ending cycle. But i shan't let all this spoil my day, you won't make me feel dull always. Realised that i've been getting pissed off with you very easily nowadays. I seriously don't know what am i thinking sometimes and i seriously am sorry. But the other side is always "abusing" me, and i can't show all my unhappiness infront of you. Am i really giving you a cold shoulder?
Last time, it was going great as we were together and having fun. But now, the feeling seems to be fading away. I'm not doing this just because i feel like it or whatsoever. But do you ever spare a thought for me? You want all these things and i just gave in and do what you want. But when i'm not here, you kept blaming me for all the mistakes you've committed. In the first place, i didn't tell you to do all this sort of things. What if there's a day without me? You're going to have to survive without me, you don't need to count on me. I really, really hate that attitude of yours. You don't need to make decisions for me, i make mine by myself. I'm not your fucking puppet..
What's wrong with listening to heavy/ black/ death metal music and having black as my favourite colour? You don't need to comment on it right? I like this means i like this, you have no rights to do anything about it. Plus i'm seriously not evil or whatsoever. For goodness sake, do i really look like one of those anot? Stop getting all overreacted about it, i'm not going to do anything bad. Let me have my own style, let me have my final say for just this once? Sometimes i like you and sometimes i don't. That's what others feel about you too, don't you realise it? I guessed some of them already told you your flaws. But did you take the effort to change it? You took it as a joke, and i seriously don't know what else to say anymore..
Come to think of it, many of you all wouldn't know who am i referring to in each paragraphs right? I don't give a damn too. Everytime i see it, i think back and i would constantly be lost in my thoughts. What have i gained all this years? Did i get something good out of it, or did i gain some precious memories? There's so many questions left unasked, and i wouldn't want the know the answer anymore. Have you ever maligned me? I guessed not, but it's not the outer part, it's the inside of me. You won't be able to notice all my feelings, but do you understand how i feel when i see all this? I guess not right? You'll be too busy doing all your stupid shit stuffs. Somehow, i don't really miss the feeling anymore. And i learnt that some things should be better left off unsaid..
Stupid freaking re-test, it's seriously freaking me out. Every night i would be hearing you talking about the re-test. Seriously i can see that you do expect a lot from me, but are you asking too much already? I was hoping i wouldn't get sick of it so soon, and sometimes i have all this wild thoughts in my head. I realised that what you think of the past won't totally happen in the future. Your expectations, isn't it a little bit too high, plus i never get that grade in my entire life before. I kept thinking of the future, what if i failed to reach your expectations? What would be left of you..
so much more inside
11:12 PM
Monday, November 06, 2006
What the hell, my dad's somewhere near me. And i still have the cheek to use the computer secretly. I guess that's just me, i'm this sort of a person. Oh well, just want to say i hate people who create problems by themselves. And make it seems like it's my problem too. I don't care about what you did nor am i interested in it..
Weird, mdm chang changed my re-test date to the 17th. Oh great, additional one more day for me to prepare. Seriously i'm so damn freaked out about it. Plus i don't think i practiced much at all, i'm all to blame. Don't know why my mind keep drifting off whenever i'm studying, nevertheless i won't give up on it! I don't want to disappoint all those around me, i know you want me to work hard. But do you give me any break time at all anot? Sometimes i just don't know what to say about you. Hope tonight goes well for me? Am i really asking too much?
p.s. odelia! you'll soon get sick of my lameness! :)
all i want is a caring you
5:52 PM
Friday, November 03, 2006
Finally i can use the computer, had been a very hectic week thou. Saw some lame things when i'm out of from my "prison." What are adults up to these days?
Saw this two couples on saturday in the bus, yucks! Plus they're sitting right infront of us too.
Anyways this is haqim's history paper, i seriously laughed non-stop when i saw it. Mrs B Leong
Goodness, i saw a dead rat!! R.I.P
Okay, so anyways, many freaking nasty stuffs happened during this week. I can't believe what she did too. That's like so irresponsible of her, why did you do this to me? It can't be helped i guess, nobody can guess you except yourself. I hope that someday, it will soon be revealed and you can see your true self too. Let's not bother about this anymore, i was so damn disappointed with the way things had happened. It happened not once, not twice, i guess i lost count too..
So school is like so damn boring! Found out that studies is really damn lousy and all that, nevertheless i'll try. Forgot when did my father started scolding me too, but that's the day tragedy happened. Someone wasn't able to use the computer and then i had to ask him for some things. And then turns out i got scolded, this scolding really made me feel so broken up inside. I feel so stupid doing all this things all of a sudden. You guys want to know what he shouted at me? Something typical but complicated, i don't know how to describe the feeling out. I was mad, at the same time, i think you're right. But sometimes i really don't need your company you know? I'm someone who is better off alone..
You don't need to scream at me so damn loudly right? Don't know why but sometimes i just lose my cool damn easily. Can't believe i shouted back the truth at you, it isn't your business in the first place right? I seriously don't know what's up with me at that time, it's not moodswing. I kind of lose it, no matter how much i try to fight for myself, things won't turn out right anymore. All i can do is just to look down, can you just listen to my explanation just this once? If your answer is a no, then i'll just accept it as a no! No need to get angrier minute by minute. The thing you always say, the more i say the angrier i get. Then don't say already for goodness sake, if that's what you want me to think. Your closest relative told me about you, well of course unexpectally thou..
Many of them also know about you and your attitude, and they were quite surprised at my answer when they interrogated me. They all know about you a lot, well quite petty sometimes. One matter can be dragged on and on, seems like it can last forever too. And the other thing, i think both of you look funny together. Not in a rude way, but the things you guys say to us. I find it really funny, and the things you guys do. After what i heard from that time, i find it very very unexplainable. So anyways all this feelings did not just change with a blink of an eye. After what i saw yesterday, really made me feel like crying. I can't believe all this small things really can make me cry and all those. My heart really is soft at times, maybe i shouldn't be sitting there in the first place.
So i seriously feel like an extra when mdm chang is teaching the others A math. I feel like a freaking extra there! Maybe i should be blamed for all my todays, i'm to blame. One sentence which i learnt today, a habit takes time to change. Maybe you need time, yes i agree and i'll respect that. I'm seriously so confused this few days and everyday seems so unpredictable. I don't know what to expect nor am i satisfied with my tomorrow. So anyways, i was shocked when we're having cca today. Zhibing and me went to teach two secondary ones for marching today, i was seriously damn shocked, but i did most of the commanding. It's like they totally forgotten what they've been taught! Plus they don't even want to put in the effort to listen to what i say. Youths nowadays?
Oh yes, since odelia wrote something so nice to me, i'm going to write something nice for her too! Let's see, alright i know you'll be looking at this. So i just want to say that she's is a very nice person! Plus she knows much more than me, so you can always ask her for advices, just like me! I still don't know your "list!" You better tell me sooner or later, or else! Anyways this girl is supportive, and i'll always remember your phone is available 24/7! Thanks for making me smile whenever i'm having problems or feeling down. In short, you rock!
8:35 PM
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