well, i think me and him are over
can't use my handphone,
we go online at different times
it's so hard to communicate
just want to say i'm sorry
shit! now i'm having mixed feelings
sometimes, i just think your nice
sometimes, i just hope you didn't exist
hate you to the core sometimes
what was i thinking?
fuck i can't even understand myself
what makes you think i can understand you?
now, more people are noticing that i have 3 scars on my arm
some even went and kept all those sharp things in my pencil box
what the..?
some even came and talked to me, regarding my hand
talk some sense into me
well, at least i'm trying.
keeping all those sharp things to refrain myself from cutting again
the urge,
anyways tomorrow is the first common test
which is english
suck at summary alot
so why can't you just be more supportive for a change?
don't you know art takes time?
support rather than complain
have the habit of sleeping at 4am in the morning the past 2~3 days
have the habit of drinking coffee to keep myself awake
is this a good lifestyle? am i going to keep it this way?
sleeping in class, which is a bad thing
i hate life.
shit, shitted, shitting
3:26 PM
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
oh my goodness
you can say that today, i'm at least ABIT happy
well firstly, we got back our physics common test
and during monday which we're doing our common test,
it's like i anyhow do the paper
so i don't expect myself to do that well either
cause i don't have the mood!
anyways, i got 85/100
which is 17/20
WOW! so happy
anyhow do also can get 80+ marks
and then, history common test
she is giving out our paper when our clique's in the toilet
well basically i faster rush back
oh my goodness! i got 11/12 for my history!
so happy so happy
actually i want to get full marks
but the guys infront me keep interrupting me when i'm reading aloud
you know who you are! =]
anyways, just want to tell you that what i said today outside the staffroom,
was a big mistake, didn't mean to say it
but don't know why it came out
after passing the guides donation card after school,
i went back to the classroom
saw some scene, obscene ones when i opened the door
kind of disgust me, don't want to say
then we sat there and talked
me and my mouth, said wrong things
then she came into the class
didn't really want to look after her and especially talk to her
then also never take notice of her
suddenly she told me to go out of the class as she want to talk to me
i was like shit, is it about my blog?
anyways she told me to go to the chemistry lab
don't know why, talked for half an hour
then i told her i need to go off already
seriously, it almost made me cry and her too
forgive and forget?
found this quite interesting
2:00 AM
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
it would really be great if you were afraid of me
if not, i wouldn't know how to put this.
i don't care
i promised myself that i wouldn't want to smile, talk or even look at you
don't think i can forget about this matter so easily
but hey, i'm not totally blaming you
remember, NOT TOTALLY
still a large percentage goes out to you
kind of pity you, but you made me so mad today
well not really, i'm just shocked
i walked past you, not wanting to see this fucking face
and you told me to tuck in my shirt
i don't blame you, because i never tuck in my uniform nowadays anymore
during common test today
don't know what happened,
the cut on my left hand suddenly bleed non-stop
i was so freaking shocked
and if i'm not wrong, you walked past me that time
no choice but to face my arm down
don't know whether you saw it or not
it doesn't matter,
because i don't want you poking into my life
mid year this fucking friday
second day is E math
do you think i'm ready?
NO.
really don't know what i'm going to do with my next life
gone case.
motherfucker; you son/daughter of a bitch
1:08 AM
Sunday, April 23, 2006
it's really getting on my nerves
everything is getting on my nerves
people are telling me not to slit my wrist
but to me, it doesn't hurt
so don't bother about me!
i do what i want
i don't want to have any bounderies
had been listening to this three songs everyday
well i kind of liked this band
they're called death cab for cutie
and i love this three songs alot
they're, soul meets body, summer skin and title and registration
really made me feel this feeling i can never describe
suffering soon,
suffering now and then
always suffering
they told us that if we did not do well
of course we're going to get it
stressing over this, over that
i'm so fucking depressed!
worrying over so many things
when will people understand me?
some fucking sicko
4:10 PM
Saturday, April 22, 2006
to me, i'm really suffering from depression
i don't care if you think i'm not suffering from anything
slited my wrist,
my friends all thought i was going to die
imagine, if i wanted to die? wouldn't i just rather slit my neck?
total till now, cut myself twice
first one was a few mm deep,
but the second one was definely deeper
shit, now it's swollen
childish? lame? i don't care what you think
people told me not to do all this things
some said to me, doesn't that hurt?
what i'm feeling now, is much more worst than the pain on my wrist
the pain on my wrist doesn't hurt much,
my feelings for what i have now, hurts more deeply
sometimes i just didn't know what i'm doing at times
anyways, faizal told my sister today during her F&N lesson,
that he had already passed the phone to rafeek
when my sister told me, i was like
what the fuck?
why did you want to give him?
realised that there's no chance of getting my phone back
i would have to wait for 10 weeks which is basically until the first few weeks of july
think about it, i'm desperate for my handphone, which only a day passed
imagine 70 days, what am i going to do?
imagine over my holidays without my handphone
i can't live without it
and yet many people asked me why didn't i reply their sms
are you guys fucking blind? it's confiscated alright?
don't remind me
i know i'm in the wrong
where's your heart?
i know it's too late to change everything
but all i can say is that my views for you had changed dramatically
today, me and lydiana were laughing
seriously she can make me laugh
laugh till my tears drop
won't tell you what i'm laughing
cause i wouldn't know who's reading this pile of shit
mid-year is on friday, this friday
and i'm so totally unprepared.
just want you guys to know that i only cut myself when i'm very depressed
linda told me not to cut,
if the teachers saw my hand, they would bring me for counselling
wouldn't want to give up my recess time just to talk to someone
she talked to me before, but it wasn't the time i wanted
that's i refused to talk to her.
people said that he likes her,
i don't care who he likes, but i will just like him regardless of him liking others anot
after seeing what had happened in maple just now
i knew how he felt when a guy told me he wanted to marry me
but seriously thou, i don't care about getting married or not
it's just a game, and i could sense jealousy
should i go on like this or should i just give up?
now, math really is a gone case subject for me
if i want to go polytechnic or junior college
my math must do well
everything depend on math
why can't i just change my mindset?
just for this time
i would really want things to work out
i really have to do well for this mid-year
or my life would totally be ruined.
my future, my possesion, my freedom
last time she used to talk to me
because i told her my problems in sms
now, i realised that you must never trust a teacher
never ever trust them
you may never know what they will do to you
just like what she did to me
felt disappointed, although i know it's my fault
no reason hating you, but i just want to
don't see the point in talking to you,
don't see the point in smiling at you
you showed me what you're capable of
and i'm not proud of it
don't see any reason to talk to you anymore, unless i'm being forced to
my scar is going up, up to my veins
fuck everything i have in life
nothing's ever good enough
plain fucked up
1:26 AM
Thursday, April 20, 2006
what the fuck?
today i'm really damn pissed off with her
can't you use your brain?
so what if i tell others to help me call you?
does it really matter?
do you need to say that i have poor manners?
let me tell you this,
my views towards you changed
and i mean changed alot
please bear that in mind
that i would never ever smile or talk to you ever again
as if i would die not doing that things to you.
it's like this, She went and sms my sister
i saw that sms and got really pissed off
why bother smsing her? you want then call
what for waste your bloody sms bills?
changed let me tell you, it really changed
i hate you to the core
i don't care if you didn't like me or like me
cause i don't freaking care
asshole
12:59 AM
fucking hell, my fucking handphone got confiscated by Her
anyways don't call or sms me,
actually i also didn't know what to say
kind of happened too suddenly, seriously it was.
i was outside the teacher's room, then jessie called
i pull my phone up to see who it was
then She walk past
then i was like shit
then She was like give me your phone
bloody hell, i can't live without my fucking phone
just like that *snap* and my phone is gone
if you dare to look inside especially my sms
you will die, fucking hell
linda they all told me not to rant my anger at Her,
they told me what had happened to a guy who happened to scold vulgarites at FZ
he was demoted, sort of.
well now i guess i won't be scolding Her here
don't care if you're looking at this pile of shit
called Her at around 10 plus
She told me that She haven't gave FZ my phone
i asked Her if She could forget about that whole incident
then She was like, you know the school rules? and you know you broke them.
fine anything, the most wait for next term
that's what She said, not even confident of what She's saying
what the fuck? and You know now?
i don't even have the heart to do Your homework, attend Your lessons, listen to You or even looking at You.
who cares? i don't care.
what can i do? plead? cry infront of You? wait long long
anyways, decided not to put the teacher's name
i don't want to get in trouble
instead i'll use Her, She, You, Your, FZ
if you don't know who i'm referring to, ask me.
this few days very, very unlucky
my chinese teacher called up my parents and wanted to complain that we're sleeping in class.
what the fuck?
your not even fucking teaching, and as if we were the only ones sleeping like that
sometimes i just can't get them
and i never will. :(
12:44 AM
Monday, April 17, 2006
i can see it coming
just didn't know what it was
was once a prisoner locked up in a cold, dark cell.
i was being framed, but no, no one cares
planning my escape, making my escape
absconded without being noticed
i was mortified for what I've done
forgive the unforgiven, expect the unexpected
crying for this few days
who's going to help me?
I'm the only one who can help myself
it is whether i want to accept help from others, or myself
all i said were bullshit, all talk no action
thought of my future
poor? suffer? misery? regrets? useless? will i fucking regret?
nothing's ever fair, nothing ever will
walking by this tall buildings at night
it gave me this sixth sense
the future is like my undiscovered misery
14 years past, realised that i not only disappoint myself but others too
cut myself to see how much it hurts or bleed, it gets adrenaline flowing
it doesn't hurt, but every cut makes me ask why to myself
why? what have i done to make myself suffer till now?
think about annihilate all day
adorn my life with blood, gore, killings, sufferings...
seeing everything pass by me
day by day, i thought of what has happened
and to regret it
guess my only remedy is to work hard
hope that everything goes well
life is unpredictable
I CAN'T FUCKING MAKE IT.
11:49 AM
Friday, April 14, 2006
realised that i had done alot of bad things in life
cheating everyone, even myself
cheating in test, just unprepared
cheating my parents, real heavy sin
cheating, lying
i didn't know what i was thinking
set my mind to set my goals
it was simple
but i couldn't even do the simplest things
what's the use of setting high goals?
i can't do it, i just can't
everything is so complex
feel there's something missing
i don't see the difference with me living in this world and not living
desperate for self-abuse
doing things behind their backs
getting atrocious results
hearing them speak their unhappiness to us
overjoyed? that we may have this done and over with
or just feel plain upset after what has happened?
nobody wants to remember this miserable incident
they were those whom we just had ambivalence for
no homage, don't know where i hid it
whisperings and murmerings behind me
i turned round, but all i saw was darkness behind
walking alone in this cold dark world
crouching at a corner; hoping someone would help me
it's a cold dark world out there
felt so eccentric inside
didn't know what i was feeling outside
these thoughts lingering through my mind
don't know what i was thinking at times
why do you overreact and why do i too?
i want to have the audacity to do things
was it just a wishful thinking?
feel so worried; grief-stricken
wake me up from this nightmare
didn't want this to happen
caught up in a imbroglio situation
end this life of mine
end this story of mine.
what shit is this?
about tat momo and her teletubbies friend, speaking dog language? leave me out will you? don't want to get my hands on this filty situation.
felt touched that my sister would worry so much about me sliting my wrist
mid-year exams coming, freaking stressed out.
don't think i can even pass half of it! no one can help me, i'm the only one who can help myself.
HELP ME!!
feel like sliting my wrist there again...
11:12 PM
Thursday, April 13, 2006
i'm not going to die
i just wished that i was dead.
do i wished for all this to happen?
do i want it to happen on me?
it's just a cut, what's the big deal.
the most it'll just leave a scar.
to remind me that i had been miserable for once in my life.
you may say that you are more depressing than me,
that's just how i feel when i'm depressed,
whether it's serious or not.
sometimes i just didn't know what i'm feeling too.
apocalypse
12:20 AM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
wrote some dumb old poem when i became sick of doing my A math...
should i post it?
think its lame but who cares? fuck it...
heard joelle said something about a teacher going to a student's blog... and in the end, that student suffered some real punishment... should i be worried after accidentally giving my url to a teacher? afraid that she would see i have wrote... but what i write in blog is my own opinion of what is happening around me...
took some sharp object and cut my arm which is somewhere a few cm below my wrist... don't know why i'm doing this... but i feel like ending my life... miraculously didn't know how i had survived through this years
sis said that i used all those hard-to-understand vocabulary words in my composition and why not use them in my blog? simple... it's either i'm too lazy or i just didn't want to let everyone know i know all this kind of words...
actually wanted to cut on my right hand... thought again cause i'm a right hander... that's why changed it to left hand... kind of swollen now... don't think anyone noticed yet...
sooner or later i guess...
loves me not
12:11 AM
Saturday, April 08, 2006
feel there's something inside... haiz nevermind pretend i never said that before... this day really made me find out alot of things inside of me... yah very tired leh... slept at 3am in de morning... thats why today go school so damn fucking tired... but before that... chatted with cleffy!! hahaha he say me retarded... let u go watch ur LOST bah... haha both of us like siao siao one... very funny... then go flood each other's friendster page... i win!! but his curse worked =x... yah siann morning wake up that time... feel like as if i had blinked my eye once only... so tired... as if i didnt sleep before... man never felt so tired before... yah so i slept a little awhile before irene come in the class... then she came in i also didnt know she came in... xia si wo... yah just do the test lor... all i want to say is that... sorry lydiana! because i didnt lend u my circular template then made u didnt finish your test paper... so sorry... really... yah boring... bored... can say that in art class... something happened... ms ker suddenly shouted at sam... forgot what she shouted... i think it's because she didnt bring her visual diary... first time... but i thought it's normal... then i saw sam crying... and was like O.O... den ms ker suddenly walk infront of my table then stopped... i looked up then she said... are u samantha's good friend? then i like... uhh yah... then she said go and console her or something... i go there... blur blur one... also don know what should i do also... then don know what happened... then she come and sit beside me... and asked a bunch of questions... don know what to say... but there's this one question... she asked me... was i very fierce just now? i said... yah of course... and she like stare stare... o.o... then cca... really zhou bo... we were like did practically NOTHING... well except for homework... told ade to teach me do my A maths... guess she was really damn pissed off me with me... realise that if i don buck up... no one can help me... im the only one who can help myself... A maths common test on monday... who doesnt want to do well? coordinate geometry... blah many more... hard..... sometimes just feel like losing it.......
dance all night to this dj
12:15 AM
Thursday, April 06, 2006
ahh... don know why... kept feeling very tired when its 10pm plus... too bad my parents just wont let me sleep... they say 12am then can sleep... don care then don care lor... i also don care... haa... yesterday did some art... then do my social studies homework... im soo lazy to write out the whole answer leh... so kinda like anyhow write out the longgg answers... erm... school was same old boring... but i love my boring life! heh them chemistry was the first period... tried listening to her... but hey at least i got a chop with the word -neat work- there... first time wor! but still have mistakes... erm... at least u can say that im smiling in art class =]... very funny... also don know why miss ker keep smiling and laughing... hmm... yeah after school went out of school for lunch... came back that time saw irene scolding assafiy... seriously i don care... but me kaypoh this kind... of course went back to class to ask what happened... they said that he was fighting with senen... or bi or bi... no more tie... LOL =x went back to school cause have chinese remedial... tweety bird say we're getting back our common test paper... seriously i was damn scared let me tell u... because i never study!! actually abit because my heart always not there de... xing bu zai yan =]... then went there see the paper blue blur one... all don know how to do... dieee... okies then went back to class... saw many prople crowding around the teacher... so i also rush there and quickly flip for my paper... anyways the paper is upon 50 marks... i search and search... i saw one paper... the last name was ting... which was me... it was 25/50... was quite happy but then i saw the paper again... it was samantha de... ROFL wrong paper... then i find find find again then i saw my paper le!!!!! OMG GUESS WHAT? i got 32 out of 50 marks... woohoo! i know that isnt a very good score... but im soo damn happy!!! because i never and i mean NEVER passed my chinese before!!! don tell anyone ah... i cried u know? tears of joy bah =] lol then did some corrections... talk to meng yee... hahaha had been talking to him in social studies lesson, chinese, before i go art and after school... hmm? lol don anyhow think...
28th o4 2oo6
4:30 PM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
[should have been posted on 2nd april... donno wad happened... so im posting here bah =]]
what can i say? this world is so unfair! im so disappointed at everything even myself... i donno wad am i gonna do next... i have no idea... talked on the phone yesterday... with adeline and wankee... yah we conference... talked mainly about guides... she asked me whether i was happy or satisfied with the new ex-cos... and DUH! of course not lar... go ask around... whose happy with the new ex-cos? not that im not happy with the new ex-cos... its just that it's not fair... u imagine lah... if there wasn't this problem... would the outcome be the same or different? teachers are unfair... ungrateful freaks... all they are looking for is the "full" package...
but can we do? people like me lor... we can't do much but to suffer right infront of them... nevermind... yah yesterday talked on the phone with the both of them... found out alot of things which i didnt know at all... i asked wankee what she thought about me... she said that i'm a nice person... but i have to really change that attitude of mine... realised that everyone had been telling me to change my attitude sorrie yah? seriously lor... alot of them... my sis, seniors, close friends and even my parents... adeline told me not to dragggg my words when i talked... cause it's like showing attitude bah... i'll try okay? and sorry wankee because yesterday... i said that if she didnt want to tell me who was the ex-cos chosen by her, i'll off the phone... i asked her but she told me that she cannot say it out... so i guess i off my phone at the moment of anger... sorry didnt mean to... i just have this temper de... i wanna change it... but irene oso say that changing my attitude will be very hard and will take some time... arghh what should i do? so after i off the phone which i didnt mean to...
adeline called me back again... we talked alot... but then she said some things which really made me felt very touched and made me cry too... she said... grace ar, u kept saying u want to do well in your studies, but are u helping yourself? u see, u kept playing maple, keep thinking about it, in class... and yes in class... why do u keep smsing in class? do you know that when u are smsing... you are not listening when you are touching your handphone...
april 5.... =x
donno why hor... feel soo damn tired when i wake up... then also don feel like waking up like that lor... but no choice or else.... =] umm all i can say is lessons that are before recess de are so damn boring... esp maths... haiz never bring alot of homework... then also owe cher alot ALOT of homework... what am i going to do?! hope im not the only one lar... *fingers crossed* hmm can remember that when pf and me were walking down to the ava there cause we were supposed to go there for our ss lessons... we walked down then suddenly i saw someone at the staircase there... i see again then gave me a shock... i saw irene there... then i see then just go walk past her... then don know what happened... she call me or what... think she called me to tuck in my shirt or something... i don tuck my uniform in =x... then i like or-or... then don know why she go and pull my sleeve... and i mean really pull so hard -.-"... nevermind... heck care bah... guides later on... ade and sp don feel like going... then yl, sis, pf and me have to go find them and please them to go guides... kinda funny thou... anyways sp!! im sorrie!! u shouldnt have gone and see that fucking gui lan face at all!! =/... then the sec 5s very funny... when it's almost time to dismiss guides... those idiots from ncc and from 1/3 if im not wrong came in their class and made alot of noise... then weiling, huizhen they all tell those 3 guys to shut up... at first din really notice... then don know why weiling suddenly shouted... fuck u!! waa xia si wo... then they started quarreling... then huizhen took the chair and walk towards them... i didnt thought she would go and throw it... but then she threw the chair at them... nice never seen them so angry before... hmm de sec 3s did some things... aiyah i know that i confirm be the PS de lor... because all the ex-cos took over the place of the PL... not fair lor... never give us chance... what can we do? small peanuts only... who cares one? she lah... it's like DOH can see that changed liao... fucking despo who cares lar... i don care just think that you're overreacting over this matter lor... repeat! what can we do?! =/
there's a feeling inside, i want you to know...
12:42 AM
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