Sunday morning...

creator of this image unknown

Wednesday in the Word

I have no idea who to give credit for this beautiful image.
I wish I did as I would love to purchase it...

Trust in the Lord. OK? Jeez. Just do it. It's easy. What's the hold up?

Huh! I wish it was that easy. I mean, I do trust God. And I know He always has my best interest at heart. I know He does.

What gets in the way of me trusting Him without any hesitation is knowing that God's ways are not my ways. He might take longer to answer a prayer than I think I can bare. Or He might say no...or wait, not yet.

Unfortunately, I'm not patient. And I want what I want when I want it. (What a brat, eh? Like Veruca Salt. Blech.) No. I'm not proud of this trait. I'm just being honest. Patience is not one of my virtues. I'm getting better. But it's something I have to work at.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone...  :)

But the truth is...it should be simple because we can trust in the Lord. He is trustworthy...100%. He loves us and wants good things for us...just as we do for our own children. So when the answer is not now...or *gasp*...no...there's a good reason.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

Sunday morning...

Wednesday in the Word

Psalm 91:1-2, 14-16

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her;
    I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.

She will call on me, and I will answer her;
    I will be with her in trouble,
    I will deliver her and honor her.
 With long life I will satisfy her
    and show her my salvation.”

The bible says "him". I changed it to "her". Sometimes it's good, and OK, to personalize scripture...because sometimes God's word speaks to you so personally that you can't help but say, "this is just for me".

Last night at bible study we were praying for a sister who just needed to be surrounded by her sisters in Christ and covered in prayer. As we were praying, Psalm 91 popped into my head. Not the whole chapter. Just the address..."Psalm 91", clear as day.

After the prayer I wrote "Psalm 91" on a slip of paper and gave it to her. It was for her.

But this morning, as I'm getting ready for the day, getting ready to go to a friend's for brunch, getting ready to hit the road with Ian later to visit my aunt and uncle at their cabin, I realized that Psalm 91 was also for me. And for you, too. For everyone, should we choose to listen and believe.

Sunday morning...

Good morning. 

Challenging myself to call on Him, to cry for help before freaking 

out, or losing hope...or spiraling into anxiety.

I'm not doing too bad lately...

This was a good reminder

xo

one word.

Happy New Year! It's 2012. A few days ago I mentioned wanting to choose one word to represent this coming year. When I first thought of it there was a word that popped into my head...but I quickly dismissed it. For one thing, I thought it was kind of a boring word. It wasn't a word I'd want imprinted on a charm or tattooed on my ankle. (No...don't worry...I'm not considering a tattoo...been there, done that.)

For another thing...I was feeling a bit pessimistic about the coming year. I didn't have the excitement and hopeful attitude I did when 2011 rang in. So...as this word entered my mind I shrugged it off...and waited for another word...a better word...to come to mind.

In the meantime...the original word kept showing up. I would hear it. I would see it. I kept thinking about it. It was everywhere...and it was clear that it wasn't going away. So I gave in...and I prayed about it...and I realized that it was the perfect word for this coming year...

possible

Yep. That's it. That's the word. Possible.

"Everything is possible for one who believes.” - Mark 9:23.

“What is impossible with human beings is possible with God.” - Luke 18:27.

I can't wait to see where this leads...

complaining...or how to make people run the other way when they see you coming.



"I promise...if you let me out for just a few minutes, I will NOT
sneak into the garden, plop on your deck or stare you down
through the back door until you give me a treat. I promise!!"
Sweetie...looking demure...doing her best to "will" me into
letting her roam the yard. Not a chance sister!

 So the other day I was told by two people....one a friend, the other my favorite cashier at the local discount grocer...to "stop complaining". Just like that...those words were tossed in my direction. And they were tossed at me (but felt heavy as a medicine ball in the gut) right after I'd commented about the excruciating, horrible, suffocating, draining, incessant, obnoxious, heat.

Now I can understand someone telling me not to complain about my new shoes hurting my feet. At least I have new shoes, right?

Or maybe asking me not to complain about the steak being a bit undercooked. (What can I say, I'm a medium-well girl. Blame Noni.) Um...hello? At least I have food, right? And a steak, no less!

Or perhaps someone doesn't want to hear me complain about my humble abode...I'm not living under a bridge, now am I?

But to blurt out the words "stop complaining" when I'm merely making a very factual statement about the weather? Really? Everyone complains about the weather. There are summer people...and winter people...and the fair weather friends who prefer spring or autumn. And when it's not to their liking they complain.

People complain about too much rain...too much snow...too much wind. Why can't I complain about too much heat?

I was boggled. And I will admit...taken aback a bit. And maybe, possibly even a teensy bit offended and self-righteous.

Each time the statement was tossed my way I'm absolutely positive one of my eyebrows raised...and my chin tucked in a bit. I'm pretty sure my eyes bulged and then narrowed into questioning slits. And my lips pinched up, too...just a little.

I'm also quite sure my head cocked to one side and my chest puffed up a bit.

I even got defensive. And pointed out the pointers own complaints. (Of which, I was wrong about, apparently.)

But then...as I stood at the checkout counter baffled by the scolding of my favorite cashier, doing my best to conjure up a reasonable argument as to why it's totally fine and acceptable and within my constitutional rights for me to complain about the heat...about the weather in general, about the traffic, my dirty floors, the person in front of me, the news, the shirt I was wearing, my chippy toenail polish, the price of gas, the service at Starbucks, the audacity of my neighbor to park in MY spot, the fact that neither of my boys can ever "remember" to make their beds, the government, the church, the beggars on every corner, chronic pain, the whatever I want to complain about thankyouverymuch...

...I was convicted.
And a bit embarrassed.

As I loaded my bags and bags of groceries (that I had plenty of money to pay for) and headed home (in my luxury, gas-guzzling SUV with the a/c blasting) I got to thinking...

I don't know about you, but sometimes God uses people to get something across to me. And as I was driving home it began to set in to my thick, stubborn, prideful, opinionated, complaining skull that this is exactly what was happening.

God had something to say to me: "Stop complaining."

It took me a good 24 hours to really process what had happened.
It took me a good 24 hours to really get that it was God pointing out a personality trait that is not helpful to me or anyone within earshot of my incessant whining and complaining.
It took me a good 24 hours to realize that...God is right. I really do need to stop complaining.

So...because God said so, and if nothing else I do my best to be obedient to Him, I'm going to work on not complaining. I don't know that I'll stop complaining totally and completely. (Isn't that humanly impossible? No? Dangit...I guess it IS just me.) But I am going to work on it. Diligently. Pray for me, would ya?

This is gonna be a process...an interesting, challenging and I'm sure, at times, a very humorous process.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:14-16

whatever is lovely.

One of the best lattes I've ever enjoyed...mmmm.

My thoughts are a bit jumbled...I'm finding it a challenge to put words to paper the past couple of days. My mind is wandering...thinking of all the things I have to do...fighting myself again...one day at a time, one day at a time...

Summer...it takes some adjustment.

I had a weird dream last night...lots of stairs...they were narrow, as were the walkways...which were more like bridges...rope bridges with wooden planks to balance on. They led to small rooms...dark and hard to see where I was. Wherever we were required security clearance to enter. A base? A spaceship? I don't know. I was alone there. But then suddenly Chris joined me. And just like that we were at the house of an acquaintance...it was a mess...food on the floor, trash everywhere, laundry strewn all over the place...doors, doors, doors...more dim rooms.

Hmm...might have to bust out the dream book on this one.

In the meantime...I am reminded of this scripture...

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy
—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

I need to focus on whatever is true...and right...and lovely...

when all else fails...

...speak the Truth.

...so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11



Wednesday in the Word.

cantaloupe seedlings under a "cloche"..



You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

Can you imagine? God surrounding us with songs of deliverance? All day long...as we go about our lives...our work...our errands...our struggles...our thoughts...our temptations...all the while, God is surrounding us with songs of deliverance. If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

God is on your side...go to Him...trust Him...believe Him...He loves you.

through.



hydrangea and azalea...soon to be a part of our backyard border.

God and I are working on things. My mind is consumed with this process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. But...that's not how God does things. He doesn't allow us to go around things...or under...or over. He has us go through things. Going through things is the only way we can learn...and strengthen...and grow. And the best part? He walks through right along with us...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God.

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At times it feels as if we're wrestling this whole thing out, me and God...like He did with Jacob. (Genesis 32 if you want to read it.) Jacob was wrestling for a blessing...I'm wrestling for a different reason. And it's not the right reason. I need to think more like Jacob...I need to fight for that blessing...not to hang onto things I do not need in my life. I'm afraid If I don't get a grip on this situation...and lay this all down at His feet...He just might let me have my way. He just might let me hold onto it all.

I don't want to hold onto it all.

So I'm going through it. And He's going through it with me. We might stop to wrestle a bit here and there. I might come out with a limp. But we're going through it...me and God...together.

Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

Psalm 77:19

 

Maybe it doesn't feel like He's there.

Maybe I can't see His footprints.

Maybe I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him, sometimes.

But I know He's there. 

I know He is.

Always.

 

Thank you, God. Thank you for never leaving me, nor forsaking me.

Thank you for preparing my path...for keeping me from drowning.

Thank you for loving me...and getting me through.

I wouldn't want to do it without You.

keep your eye on the prize.

I wrote this post almost two years ago...and never hit "Publish".

And for the record...we still haven't found a new home church.

Nor have we tried very hard. 

I've got a lot of work to do...internal work, heart work, soul work. I've allowed myself to get to a place that I don't like very much. I was telling myself that I didn't mind being where I was at. But that's not true. That was an excuse. I don't like where I'm at...or how I'm thinking...or how I'm feeling. Or how I'm acting for that matter.

We haven't been to church in about 2 months. That's a long time for a family who rarely missed a Sunday for over 10 years. We are a church-going family. We go to church...we pray before meals...we tithe...we serve and do bible studies and play instruments on worship teams.

But for the last 2 months...nothing.

It's not for lack of wanting to...but circumstances. Things happened. People happened. Humanity happened. And suddenly...we found ourselves without a home church. It was a weird feeling.

We visited a church we thought we'd like to attend...but on both visits not one person said one word to us. Not a hello...not a get out of here...nothing. Weird.

We took that as a cue from God that it's not where He wanted us. And that was fine.

Instead of continuing to look for a new church home, we decided to take some time to get our house in order...specifically the backyard. And it's been good to have the time to do this. For the past 10 years every weekend has been full of church or baseball or wrestling or something other than taking care of things around here. Now our weekends are full of making our backyard habitable. It's been really good.

But eventually we need to get back into church.

The thing about church is that people are at church. And people are...people. Imperfect people. Messed up people...as Joyce Meyer literally just said on TV, "Hurting people hurt people." True dat. It's not an excuse...just a truth.

And I will say...I got hurt. Pretty bad. That's the thing I've been trapped by for the past...oh, year or so. Hurt. I like to fancy myself more Godly...above being hurt...above being trapped by self-pity...ha. Like everyone else...I'm part of that whole "people" thing. I am imperfect. And I'm sure I hurt people, too...not on purpose. Not anymore, anyway.

No excuse.

There comes a time when we know better. And when we know better...we are expected to do better.

To whom much is given...much is required. 

Can I just say...through all those years of hurt and confusion I learned a very valuable lesson. One morning I was praying...and I asked God why I was being treated in such a way by this person that I trusted.

"Why are you allowing this, Lord?"

And just like God always does...He answered quietly and simply and directly...

"Now you know how NOT to treat people."

Simple. And so HUGE. God allowed it so that I would learn from it. And so that I would never treat people the way that I was treated. And I pray...earnestly...that I NEVER inflict that hurt and that confusion and that pain on anyone else. If I fail...I pray for forgiveness. I ask the person I've hurt for their forgiveness...and I mean it. No sense in giving fake apologies...or empty forgiveness. Don't bother. Do it for them...not just to make yourself feel better.

No. I mean it. I don't want to hurt others. I want to encourage others. I want to build others up. I want to be a part of their success...not their stumbling. That is my desire...Lord I pray I do what my heart desires to do. I pray I am goodness and light to others...not a stumbling block...or a cork...or a hindrance. And if I am...SHOW ME so that I can STOP.

Yes...I've got some work to do. I need to get out of this rut. I need to get my focus back...keep my eye on the prize...and that prize is living my life for God. The prize is powering through my days here on Earth...being light in the darkness...so that one day, when I'm in heaven, I will see what it was all  about...what it was all for...Jesus.

Jesus is the prize. He is the way...and the truth...and the life. Keep my eye on the prize...on Jesus...and my paths will be straight, my feet will not stumble, I will not grow weary, I will not faint...I will not be burned, I will not drown...keep my eye on The Prize.

Jesus. He is the prize.

And if I can just keep my eye on HIM, nothing else will matter. No hurt. No anger. Nothing.

If I keep my eyes on Jesus...my Prize above all prizes...all other things will fall into place.

progress.

The beans are sprouting.

The lettuce is sprouting.

A sunflower is coming up. As are some cantaloupes.

Snap peas are growing and climbing...I love tendrils.

Tomatoes and peppers and squash are growing and blooming.

We installed the border for the lawn this weekend.

Now all we need is the sod and we're good to go.

This is incredibly exciting.

* * * * * * * *

I worked Friday night. I was going about my business of tidying shelves preparing for closing time when I stopped to answer a few questions for a nice couple shopping for some DVDs. It ended up, after a bit of conversation, that they asked if they could pray for me. I usually pray for customers. They don't pray for me.

But I said yes.

They prayed.

And God spoke to me so clearly...so very clearly. A sweet, loving whisper...

"It's time to forgive."

I have been holding on to some pain...to some wounds...to betrayals by someone I thought I could trust.

It's time to let them go.

I knew the hurts were there. But I didn't know I was allowing them so much power in my life.

I didn't know they were like a cork, stopping me in my tracks...paralyzing me...preventing me from moving forward...preventing me from being effective...preventing me from becoming the woman God created me to be. Preventing me from truly living and accomplishing my dreams.

There is progress in my life...on the outside.

Now I need to allow some progress on the inside.

It's time to let it go.

It's time to forgive.

This is not going to be easy.

I am really struggling with it.

But why would I hang onto something so ugly?

I don't need it. It's not doing me any good. At all.

My mind says to forgive but my heart still has a death grip on the hurt. A death grip...exactly. It's death to me. Hanging on to this crap is killing me. It's killing my soul...my life...my future.

It's time to forgive.

But maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I don't want to..?

Rebellion.

But I have to.

Obedience.

Forgiveness.

It's for me. Not for you.

It's time to live..on purpose...forgive...and move on.

I have to do it because my love for

God is bigger than the pain.

It's time to let go.

It's time to forgive.

Wednesday in the Word.

Jeremiah 12:10-11

10 “Many rulers have ravaged my vineyard,

trampling down the vines

and turning all its beauty into a barren wilderness.

11 They have made it an empty wasteland;

I hear its mournful cry.

The whole land is desolate,

and no one even cares.

Do you ever stop and look around at our world, like while you're driving down the highway for instance, and wonder what in the heck we're doing?
 
As I drive down the highway I see shopping centers one after the other after the other...giant concrete buildings...all looking the same....full of stuff, stuff, stuff...and lots of people trying to grab all the stuff.
 
I see huge expanses of concrete...covered with shiny, new cars guaranteed to make us feel better and bigger and more important. Bright lights...and balloons...and those weird moving air filled things to grab our attention.
 
Billboards...everywhere. Flashing messages to us...tantalizing...ice cold beverages, scantily clad women, promises of riches at the nearest casino...buy me, drink me, desire me.
 
Distraction. Selfishness. Me, me, me. Want, want, want. More, more, more.
 
I hear it's mournful cry. The whole land is desolate, and no one even cares.

It's so sad. It breaks my heart. It makes me sick.
 
And I am right in there...wanting, grabbing, more, more, more. I get caught up in it. I see it...and want it. And pout if I don't have it.
 
It's not what this is all about. There is more. He didn't intend it to be this way. We've done this...we've ravaged the vineyard...we're trampling the vines...we're turning all it's beauty into barren wilderness, and an empty wasteland.
 

Not all scripture is sunshine and roses. But it is all truth.

It's what I got this morning...so it's what I share.

 

xo

Time for a GIVEAWAY!!

GIVEAWAY TIME!

I have been wanting to have a GIVEAWAY for some time now...but wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to give away.

Until the other day when I came across this New Testament Women's Devotional Bible. I just knew it would be great to give away to one of YOU!

I would also like to add in a copy of the booklet I wrote for Belgium,

Desperation and Hope - A Journey Through Depression

This GIVEAWAY is open to everyone! E-VE-RY-ONE! Yes, that means YOU.

First time visiting Give a Girl a Fig? No problem.

Visit here every day? No problem!

"But I never win anything!"....there's a first time for everything!

My hope is that everyone who pops in and reads this post joins in the fun and enters to win.

So...what do you have to do? Simple. All you have to do is leave a comment here on this post. And you can tell me whatever you want...your favorite color, how many kids you have, the name of your childhood pet (hmmmm....sounds like I'm trying to get bank passwords!! lol I'm NOT...really!)

Anyway...leave a comment...tell me something about yourself...

and I will announce the winner on Saturday, April 2.

Thank you for stopping by!

Free...

"Bound"

Beautiful artwork I purchased several years

ago from Bound Staff Press on Etsy.com. 

"If you love something, set it free..."

I was sitting in bed doing my bible study last night (finally getting back on track...jeesh) and came across a little orange sticky note in my bedside table drawer (as I was rooting around for my Pez). On it I had scribbled,

"If you love something, set it free...God set us free."

I'd forgotten I'd written that down. And it was suddenly such a profound thought to me. We've all heard the saying, yeah, yeah, yeah....love something, set it free...blah blah. But I'd never thought of it in regard to God. It occurred to me that it is exactly what God does for us. Before God sends us to this earth, we are with Him. It says it right in the bible...in Jeremiah 1:5...

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

And how about Psalm 139?

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Before we were born...we were already meant to be. God already had us planned. He created us...He knew us...He formed us...for a purpose. This is so amazing to me...that He always knew that at this very time I would be here, on this earth. He sent me, and you...for such a time as this.Wow...

OK...so this is how my thoughts went:

He formed me in my mother's womb. He sent me to earth. Basically...He set me free. Because He loved me.

So I was born into the world...and I lived however I wanted for many, many years. I lived my life without any regard to Him. I never really gave God much thought. I had a knowledge of God...or "something bigger than myself" but I came to a point in my life that I wasn't sure I believed in GOD. Or at least I didn't want to call anything GOD. Did I believe in a higher power? Yes. I knew I didn't believe in the big bang "theory". Even in my unbelief I knew that was a crock. But I wasn't comfortable calling whatever it was God. But now I know that whether I believed it or not, God did send me here. He did create me. He loved me, He formed me and then He set me free. And off I flew.

We all have a God shaped hole in our hearts. And nothing else will ever fill it but Him. Not drugs. Not alcohol. Not sex. Not work. Not tarot cards. Not palm reading. Not "spirituality". The thing that we are always in search of...that longing we feel but can't quite fulfill...it's that little hole in our heart that only God can fill.

I accepted God into my heart when I was 32 years old. It was a rainy night...I was watching TV with my husband...and he came across a TV evangelist. And he listened. Now any other day, I would have made fun. But not this time. This time I listened. Intently. And I cried. And when this man on TV invited me to say a prayer inviting the Lord into my heart...I did. You can imagine my surprise when I found out this man with the powerful voice was Billy Graham. Imagine that. I just accepted God into my heart in the middle of my living room floor. Wonders never cease!

God came into my heart...He took His rightful place...He filled that black hole...and made ME whole. At that moment...this little bird that He set free 32 years earlier returned to Him...because I loved Him. And I knew it in an instant. An instant. This never ceases to amaze me...ever. I marvel at how God got a hold of me...how He got my attention, finally, and opened my eyes so that I could see...Truth. And Love. And Hope.

Let me tell you that life has NOT been the same since. I am not the same person I was 11 years ago. Thank you GOD. Walking with God is a process. It's a journey. And like any other journey there are ups and downs...hills and valleys...good and bad...highs and lows. But in the end...and through it all...God is good. And He wants good things for us. He loves us....and is waiting for us to fly back to Him.

"If you love something, set it free.

And if it yours, it will return to you."

Dear God,

I am yours...

Love,

Michelle

Belgium...on a personal note.

Yesterday I shared with you the day to day movement of the New Beginnings Ministry. I shared with you where we went...what we did...even what we ate. I shared with you the outer layer of my trip to Belgium. What you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall watching us buzz all over Belgium doing our best to obey God. But today I want to share with you about the inner layer...what happened behind the scenes in my mind and in my heart during the trip as well as the days and days and days leading up to it. God is not one-dimensional. He is a multi-tasker to the fullest. What may seem like a trip to Europe...a visit to a church...or a simple sharing of a testimony...becomes much, much more when placed in the hands of God.

This whole Belgium thing became a reality about a year ago. I had almost a whole year to prepare...mentally, spiritually, financially. Our team met regularly, making plans, working on fund-raising, reminding about Passports and airline tickets, talking about what to pack and what to wear and what to expect. We even met for a french lesson that turned out to be quite humorous! We met regularly to touch base with one another and to make sure we were all on the same page. And we were. We were all on the same mission...each of us bringing something unique to the table. We were a team. But we were also individuals. I was an individual. And God had big things in store for me, too. And as I look back over this last year I can see those things...clearly. And I am amazed...and grateful...and blown away by His goodness.

Fear. Most of my life I have operated on fear. I was a nervous little girl. My stomach always hurt whenever there was a situation I was uncomfortable with. And I was uncomfortable with a lot of situations. This fear carried on through to my adult years. And it got worse after I had kids. I was afraid of everything. You know, things like flying...and speaking in front of people..two of the main things God was calling me to do on this trip to Belgium. He was pulling me completely out of my comfort zone. Left to my own devices I would never leave my little house. I'd garden and craft and write and cook and take care of my family...I'd be perfectly content to live my little life under my little roof and call it good. I'm serious. But...God had other plans. He didn't allow me to walk through the battle of depression for nothing. He allowed me to walk through it...with Him right by my side even when I didn't even know He was there...so that I could learn from it, grow from it and then share it with others.

When this whole Belgium thing started and I came to the realization that I was going to have to fly and speak in front of people...two of my biggest fears...I was terrified. And every time I talked about it or thought about it I would feel sick. The nerves would flare up...the stomach would hurt...the jitters would settle in...fear. There it was, rearing its ugly head. And with that came anxiety...horrible bouts of anxiety. Heart pounding...ears ringing...hands shaking...sick...anxiety. Fear. Doubt. I was trying to be brave on the outside...but on the inside I was a mess. But over the course of this past year God did a work in me. A BIG work. HUGE in my book. By the time I got on that plane I was nervous...but not afraid. And when I stood up to tell my story on that Wednesday night in Belgium...into a microphone...with an interpreter!...I was calm. I was ready. I was prepared. I was one with God and following His lead. What was there to fear? Right? If God is for me, who can be against me? He sent me to Belgium for a purpose. And it was time to do what He'd called me to do. So I did it...confidently...with Him right by my side.

At first I thought something must be wrong with me...like pride had welled up or something because I wasn't nervous. But through prayer and asking God to take away any pride I might be feeling, I realized that I had been being prepared for such a time as this. It wasn't pride. It was preparation. It was God. I was completely in His will...and there was no room for fear. Fear is not of God. And at that time I was walking so closely beside Him that fear didn't stand a chance.

Fast forward...and I am home...and I am going to church. My pastor called me up to tell a bit about what God had done while Belgium. And when I got up to speak I didn't have an ounce of fear in me. I thought about being afraid...the devil tried to plant fear within me...but I refused it. I didn't play into the fear. I didn't agree with the fear. I thought about it....refused it...and moved on.

I make it sound really simple to just deny fear don't I? Well I have to say that at this point, it actually was. Thanks to Jesus. But learning to deny fear has been a process. A HUGE process...a hard process...a long process...years. A battle. It's not ever been easy for me to deny fear and anxiety. Caving in to it has always been my M.O. I caved because I didn't take hold of my power in Jesus to overcome it. We have such power in the name of Jesus. We have strength and peace and self-control. In Jesus we have grace and mercy and love. When we accept Jesus into our hearts we receive ALL of His goodness. It's in us. We just need to learn to tap into it. We need to learn to live in it...to live in Him.

Fear. It no longer controls me. Yes...I get fearful. And anxious. Terrified even. But these feelings no longer overtake me. They no longer control me or my actions or my thoughts. Fear tempts me...but I am aware of it now. And when this happens I tap into Jesus...I draw on the power and the gifts He's given me...and I conquer the fear. I conquer the enemy of my soul. And when I do this...I am victorious...in the name of Jesus. And the best part of all of this? YOU can be victorious, too! If you have Jesus in your heart, you have every bit of power that I have to overcome anything...fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders...you name it, you can conquer it with the help of Jesus.

On the other hand, if you do NOT have Jesus in your heart, maybe it's time to invite Him in. He's freedom and love and goodness. He's got good things in store for you, too.

putting things in perspective.

I wanted to share with you two blogs that I've come across over the past several months. They are written by women...young women...who are living their lives to the fullest. They are written by young women who are living their lives for others...for God...for the bigger picture. The first blog is The Journey. The second blog is Be the Hands and Feet. If you want to be inspired...moved...convicted...then take some time to visit these blogs. Maybe even take some time to give...an encouraging comment...a bit of money (Renee is currently in need of new transportation)...prayer.

The stories of these women and those that they are living for are amazing. And moving. And REAL. To read about what they see on a daily basis...the lives that have been forgotten about, cast aside...really puts things in perspective.

Sought After...

Isaiah 62:11-12

11 The LORD has made proclamation

to the ends of the earth:

"Say to the Daughter of Zion,

'See, your Savior comes!

See, his reward is with him,

and his recompense accompanies him.' "

12 They will be called the Holy People,

the Redeemed of the LORD;

and you will be called Sought After,

the City No Longer Deserted.

I got up in the quiet this morning. I opened the doors to the cool air and poured myself a cup of coffee. I sat down in my comfortable chair and opened up my bible. My sweet friend, Tina, reminded me yesterday of Isaiah 61...a verse that is dated and highlighted and dated again over the course of several years. Obviously God wants me to know it...and to believe it. And I do. But I think I needed a reminder.

After I read Isaiah 61 for the umpteenth time I moved on to Isaiah 62. And I read it once over. Then I read it again, more carefully. Then...as I got to the end for the second time these words really spoke to me. "...you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted."

To me, on this day, in this season, during this time of distance and loneliness, the words "Sought After" and "No Longer Deserted" whispered such hope to my soul. These are the words of the Lord...and they are telling me that He loves me, and wants me, and is WITH me...always. No matter how I may feel the TRUTH of the matter is that God is always with me. He never leaves me. He never forgets about me. Ever.

Trust Him in the quiet...have faith in Him even when it is dark...