Agents of A.P.E.

The Dungeon Dozen showed up early this morning. A 20-minute browse and a handful of dice gave me a pretty cool campaign pitch. Here are the pages and I results used.

Why The Ancient Empire Fell Pg 185

I rolled a 3: “Victims of first unexpected return of the dinosaurs.” The inclusion of the word “first” denotes a kind of cyclic cataclysm. Good.

Recent Edicts From The Usurper King Pg 131

I got a 2: “Based on horrifying reports, construction to begin on new giant anti-monster walls…” DINOSAUR SIZED WALLS?

Note: I almost cheated here and took a 12 - Miss Usurper Pageant to be held, entrants chosen by public beauty inspectors, because Public Beauty Inspectors is a great hook for an adventuring group but OH WELL. It’s definitely showing up as an adventure hook at least.

Enemies of the City-state currently at large pg. 55

An 11: “Ambassador from formerly secret subterranean kingdom: walked out of talks with human leadership in disgust, publicly declared human surface hegemony officially at an end.” Pretty good opening credits sequence right there.

Planets in the vicinity of the campaign world pg 121

A 6. “Fortress world: leftover death star from some ancient space war…” Not sure what it means yet but it sounds pretty groovy.

Gonzo class/race generator pg 71

A 1, which gives me “Badgermen: the anti-hobbit, vicious and relentless fighters.” Because that’s adorable and also fuck hobbits.

Campaign Pitch-elevating Amalgammator pg 18-19

(Roll on both tables and throw the results in the moshpit)

Table A: Appendix N

A 1: “REH’s Kull: Serpent men intrigue, campaign-ending catastrophe imminent.”

Table B: Pop Culture X Factor

Aaand another 1: “William Burroughs’ Naked Lunch: Interzone, disturbing creatures spewing hallucinogenic ichor.” Rolling a literal snake eyes here was pretty awesome and tied the whole thing together.

Shake it up in a cereal box and you get Dinosaurs Attack: the Medievaling ~ A breach of etiquette during a visit from a Serpent Man dignitary kicks off a cold war between the Underworld and the surface world. Rumors of sleeper agents infected by psychic serpent venom incite paranoia. The Overlord invests every resource in a literal Iron Curtain, unaware that the threat can rise up beneath his feet at any time. Or perhaps he is already one of them? Meanwhile a secret conspiracy within the government hopes to recapture the ancient orbital super weapon left over from a previous administration, just in case the cold war heats up. And there are Badgermen.

7 die rolls and I’m ready to run this shit. In my eyes that might make The Dungeon Dozen the most useable RPG book ever. It’s definitely one of the most entertaining— it’s packed with quality art and the writing is hilarious. It’s genuinely funny, as opposed to the sad kind of goofy you frequently get stuck with when game writers try to have an “irreverent” voice or whatever.

You could do a lot worse.

Here’s a quote for the back of the campaign guide I’m already planning.

"Again the apes outreach themselves. Never satisfied with the Eden that was our gift, they look to aspirations above their station with heresies of reading and ironwork. But no more my egg brothers! The sun has set on simian supremacy. The Great Herpetoid Crusade rides, to smack down the Ape as we did in the days or our great grandlizards! No more the world of Ape! To WAR!!!!"

-Brax Bloodscale, High Ectotherm of the Herpetoid Crusade.

JUST BUY THE BOOK ALREADY. JASON PUTS HIS BRAIN UP FOR FREE EVERY WEEK SO DON'T BE A CHEAPASS. GET THE HARDCOVER.