It has been a little custom of mine to spell out what i term the state of the union every May 20th. Here i would summarise the state of affairs, draw a roadmap out and do some of the mandatory soul searching, and reading what has been written the year before and reflect. It is extremely sobering to have an insight into what life was a year back, how my mind worked then and to see how things have changed.
It was just 365 days ago, when i was in the skies on the way to Australia right about now. But this year, it will be spent back home, some alone time. Truth be told, there really isn’t much to write about.
Some doubt has been creeping in, when my life commandments conflict with each other. I swore to live with no regrets, but often, that meant doing things without regard for the consequences. This is in direct contrast with learning from past mistakes and thinking before acting. So i take a look at the current chain of thought that i process when i decide whether or not to do something. It is really just a question that i ask myself.
THE QUESTION
The question being : Will i regret not doing this in the future? If the answer is yes, then i will go out and DO IT.
But often, the answer is not that clear, sometimes, it lies in shades of grey, and i just cant figure out what to do. For example, i deeply regret not giving her the flower when she was just sitting next to me, lets call her M for all purposes ( i mean there are no such things as coincidences, only fate and your actions, and she packed her stuff so slowly, almostly deliberately) that is one regret i have.
Ah, the good old ease and clarity of hindsight. When every decision seems so clear and distinct with it. With that, i developed the coin toss. It is the coin toss with a little twist. It helps me differentiate between the shades of grey. And i shall elaborate.
THE COIN TEST
Items Needed? Just a coin. I have my lucky coin for that. So you have 2 paths of action, assign them to the head and tail and toss! Catch and cover the coin. Now here is the interesting part, you never need to look at the coin to decide what to do. It is during the time when the coin is in the air when your heart tells you what you truly desire. When you have the coin covered, and you find yourself wishing that it were a particular side, YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER. Everything distilled down to a single decision, it speeds up the decision process, try it, it is surprisingly simple, between 2 choices, no matter how closely matched they are, THERE ALWAYS BE AN OPTION you are more inclined to subconsciously.
So there you have it, the 2 processes i use to ensure i live with no regrets, its not that foolproof, but i am trying to improve on it and i hope i am able to implement them effectively.
The past year has been hard. No doubt about that. But again as i said the year before that was hard, i got through, and i shall get through the next as well. I have had my moments of weakness, of doubts, but i am after all a man, all men are weak. And i am working on it.
THE VETERANS’ PLIGHT
I can relate to war veterans, the veterans of the Vietnam war, of the gulf war of all wars. For a period of time, fighting was all they knew, all i knew. The fight of their lives, the fight of mine. It was what they did day in day out. There was a singular overarching purpose that oversaw everything , a guiding principle, to WIN, to survive, for guts and glory. And just as victory was declared, it all disappeared. The singular guiding purpose suddenly taken away, they were lost, released back into the world, with the injuries of the fight. Released back into normality. It hurts when you don’t really have anything to show for the war, people talk about it, all you can do is nod, because it was your job to fight. You had to fight. You try to reintegrate, but it is hard, no one really cares, things changed so much when you were in the war. When you are out, it is like a whole new world, you have lost out so much, so many experiences. You are out dated, part of the old guard, made redundant. Your friends, all but gone, gone off, gone with the winds of life, and you and dumped back at the same spot you started off, none the better and worse for wear. Sometimes, it feels cold, feels so lonely, with no one that can fully understand the circumstances, the wear it has on the system is incredible. I have to say, the war has taken not only a physical toll, but a psychological one as well, i have become bitter, a little more selfish and more introverted. I can’t believe i am writing this, but it is as if, a whole new person was brought from the fire. I long for someone who can relate, who can really understand what i have do and what i have to do, the consequences and tell me that it will be all okay, that it will all work out. Somehow telling myself that does not work.
And then come the thoughts, the whispers in your ear to switch off the light. You want to reach for the switch every single day. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. It comes, urging you to flick the switch. And it is so damn tempting, but then you remember what you fought for. The effort, the blood you put in fighting the war, and you just can’t bring yourself to thumb the switch. But the call is there, unmistakable, taunting you, finding your weaknesses, it says you have no place in this world, flick the switch. I understand how the veterans feel, i understand how it is to survive. In fact, i might say, the fight of the survivor is maybe, just maybe a little greater than the fight of the warrior. I pray i have the strength to lay down my hand and stay away from the switch.
STRENGTH
Strength, after all, that is what i pray for. The strength, physical strength, mental strength, and spiritual strength to carry on, to face the new challenges ahead. It is what i need, not a simpler easier life, but the strength to carry on. Because damn it is getting hard. Real hard. Yes i have considered getting a pair of new legs for my birthday, but then again, i need to see how long my natural legs can carry me. Whatever the answer is, i know for sure, i am seriously considering a new pair for Christmas of 12. It is getting hard to walk, significantly hard, then i am sad to say that i failed in one of my goals. I told myself, i would bring him back, the man who walked with pride, who swaggered around, i failed. Really have to see how i survive through the next 6 months with these “legs” of mine.
It is an extremely dear and important concern of mine, one that will define who i am, and what is to come in the years beyond. I pray i have the strength to make the decisions that have to be made.
I have said it before, the year ahead will be filled again with doubts, obstacles, it will be hard, harder than ever, but i will GET THROUGH. I WILL. I know i will. One way or another. And so, although the road ahead has it’s fair share of challenges, i can and will declare without hesitation, ‘THAT THE STATE OF THIS UNION IS STRONG” See you all again soon....
Earned in blood
20 may 2012
-General Sam
