Showing off my MSI build for the MSI x AMD YEAR END LUCKY DRAW
MSI Gaming X Trio,
MSI X570 MAG Tomahawk Motherboard
Saturday, December 12, 2020
Thursday, May 19, 2016
#30
30 days.
The 30th day. The 30th Day snuck up on me without me realizing. Looked at my watch and realized the count had already begun. I have been waiting for this thirty days for 7 years. And yet , i need not wait. Deus Vult.
Colleague sitting next to me came back from sick leave, passing the germs to me.
Slight fever - i thought i broke it.
God Wills It.
-General Sam
The 30th day. The 30th Day snuck up on me without me realizing. Looked at my watch and realized the count had already begun. I have been waiting for this thirty days for 7 years. And yet , i need not wait. Deus Vult.
Colleague sitting next to me came back from sick leave, passing the germs to me.
Slight fever - i thought i broke it.
God Wills It.
-General Sam
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The day of infamy
Its been 4 years now since the detour in the path.
4 long years.
Lest i forget the strife.
Earned in blood.
-General Sam
4 long years.
Lest i forget the strife.
Earned in blood.
-General Sam
Monday, May 27, 2013
The Search For Freedom
The journey has been long and tough. I have tried my very best to buy time. At the start, pain was manageable, it was a reminder that i was still alive. The pain sharpened my mind, keeping it in focus. But that agreement was broken. Pain over-stepped its boundaries. Overwhelming my senses, not a day passed without pain. When i got up from bed, pain was there to greet me and when i lay on my bed at night, pain was there as well to wish me a "good night". Clarity of thought was a rarity, brought about only with daily dose(s) of painkillers. The long term high doses of painkillers are exposing me to organ damage and failure, not to mention the risk of heart failure each time i pop a pill.
A unique combination of choices, decisions and events have brought about the circumstances that i now face. I was actually supposed to do my surgery last December. However, a Christmas eve miracle, 2 days before i was supposed to see the doctor to book my surgery date threw a wrench into the scheme. I woke up with no pain in my legs at all. I walked with perfect balance. In addition, while i was walking to the doctor's clinic, when i was not more than 20 meters away, a nurse called a told me that the regular doctor had just left the clinic to celebrate Christmas. I'm not sure about you, but to me, the signs were too obvious to ignore.
I cancelled the surgery.
And to my surprise, during my subsequent doctor's appointment, some good news was in store for me. The doctor spoke of a new type of hip replacement. A hip made of a material known as Oxinium. This new hip had properties far superior to the previous generation of hips.
Previously i had 2 options for a hip replacement, either a metal alloy combination of Cobalt Chrome or a Ceramic for the head. Using a metal would result in metal poisoning over a long period of time as the transfer of metal ions from the head to the human tissue would cause tissue damage and health complications. The metal alloy has a high toughness but has a rather rough molecular surface, resulting in a rather high coefficient of friction which leads to higher rates of wear. Using a ceramic would eliminate this, as ceramics are one of the smoothest materials around. However ceramics are not as tough, they are extremely hard but they are brittle as well and are prone to cracking. It is a trade off between the 2 types of materials, until the new generation of Oxinium Hips were introduced. This will be the hip i am choosing to install and integrate into my system.
Oxinium is basically Zirconium Oxide/ Zirconium Dioxide (Zr02). This is derived from Zircon, a rare earth metal. Zirconium, Zr atomic number 40, atomic mass 91.224.
Zirconium alloys or Zircaloys are used in nuclear reactors as cladding for nuclear fuel rods and in the space industry in the manufacturing of space vehicle and aeronautic parts due to its high heat resistance, zirconium is also used in the manufacturing of ceramic knifes. However, Zirconium has low biotoxicity, meaning that there is no detectable ion transfer between the material and the human body, rendering it a good raw material for the fabrication of biological implants. I actually know a far more about the material, because, as fate has allowed it, i studied about the material for one of my modules i took this semester. I consulted the professor who had experience in the material , in his own words, "i have ten plus years researching this material." So i have that part covered, i understand the very foundation of my implant. But to spare all of you the boring and lengthy engineer talk, i shall get right to the point.
Perhaps what is so special with Oxinium is that is helps remove the dilemma of choosing between a metal and a ceramic for the implant, BY BEING BOTH. The metal zirconium is oxidised until a ceramicised surface is formed through thermal processing. The ceramicised surface is not a ceramic coating thus it cannot chip or flake off . Thus what results is an under lying metal core with a ceramic surface. This way, the benefits of both materials are harnessed to provide ceramic wear resistance performance together with the toughness of the metal substrate, eliminating the risk of fracture.
The Oxnium head is coupled with a titanium stem and is socketed on a cup fabricated out of high density cross-linked polyethylene (XLPE), this combination of materials is marketed as VERILAST technology by Smith and Nephew, which is touted as a hip with a 30 year lifespan (mode). In comparison, a normal previous generation hip has an average lifespan of 10 to 15 years. This great leap in material properties and life span is extremely promising.
The hip replacement is a rather major one. Conducted under general anaesthesia, the anaesthetist actually gave me a choice, either GA or local anaesthesia, in which they would inject drugs into my spine so i would not feel anything from the waist down. Well, HELL NO! I do not want to be awake as the surgeon cuts me open and saws off part of my leg, so yeah i opted for the GA. Of course all the normal operation risks are present, heart failure from the anaesthesia, severe blood lost from the cutting, or severing of the artery that runs in my groin/leg, deep vein thrombosis (DVT) resulting from blood clots, just to name a few.
I am particularly worried about DVT, i had one in my right arm last time, a result of medication taken. And i have begun to notice that my blood is very thick, and coagulates rather easily, not sure if this is a trait of my special AB+ blood. Doctors will put me on blood thinners after the operation, but of course they have to balance the risk of bleeding (on blood thinners) and the risk of blood clots.
I have no idea how my leg would feel after the operation, i am whole and have always been for the past, 23 years, to the day. I hope the material and hip lives up to the hype and name. I am looking forward to returning to the gym and running again. However, i am totally not looking forward to the immediate post operation period. The lingering effects of the GA. I remember every breathe smelt different, smelt of chemicals. The first time i went under GA, when i woke, for the longest time i wondered if i was still in dream land, if everything was still an illusion. The nausea, the cloudy blur in your mind, that pounding headache.
How are they going to replace my hip? The doctor will cut me open, use a power tool, an electric saw and saw off the top part of the femur (thigh bone), together with the hip joint, then the implant is fitted in, the adaman... i mean titanium stem is fitted into the remaining femur bone. There are 2 types of methods to secure the titanium stem to the bone. Either with cement or by natural growth. With cement , there would be a quick increase in weight support when the cement hardens and reaches its 28 day strength. However, for younger patients like myself, natural growth is preferred. The titanium stem is filled with microscopic pores and the bone will grow onto the stem, securing it naturally.
The oxnium head is highly polished and fitted atop the titanium stem. On the hip side, debris from the dead hip is removed and a hole is dug into the bone. A hollow hemisphere fashioned from high density cross lined polyethylene (XLPE) is then fitted onto and screwed into place on the hip. The oxninium head is socketed into this cup and the implant is complete! In case i lost you anywhere during the procedure, i have enclosed pictures to help with the understanding!
Concerns? Yes power tools. You read that right. They will use a power tool to cut part of my leg off. I know, i know, that was how my face looked like when i read that. I am imagining a chainsaw at this point in time... The doctor also told me that they might have to fit a urine catheter on me. WELL, I TOLD HIM NOT TO, OR TRY THEIR BEST TO AVOID IT. I had a catheter before, and IT IS NOT A FUN EXPERIENCE. Personally i prefer shoving my dick into things, not the other way round thank you very much.
Thanks to my friends studying medicine, they told me that i would have an IV drip installed into my arm. The usual stuff, i was not too worried until they told me that the needle would be the size of a Yakult Straw. ( A large bore needle to push blood in, in the event there is major blood loss) To my medicine friends, please don't do that next time. I have only heard about the size of a bone marrow aspiration needle, BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE. Because i never dared to turn around and look at it, that would increase the psychological effect by a few times too many.
And guess what, my medicine friends have excitedly told me that at least one of them will be with me in the Operating Theatre. YAY ! OH GOODIE! A good friend and classmate of mine whom i joked around with and cracked jokes at will be or has a high probability of presence in the theatre. To that friend, please don't do throw anything into my body before they sew me back up.
Good thing is there will be a morphine PCA kit after the operation. This is a patient administered morphine injector. Press a button and a dose of morphine will be injected into my blood stream. Since i had this before and have built up a significant tolerance to opiates, i will be requesting the doctors to increase the dose limit of the morphine. To my friends, if you receive wierd, or rather wierd-ER than usual texts from me, please just ignore them, it would mean i am probably high and out of my mind floating on drugs.
There is a slight possibility that the surgery will be postponed, i am having a slight headache and sore throat with that usual runny nose. My operation buddy who is having the exact same operation as me had his surgery postponed today, because he was ill and the anaesthetist did not clear him for surgery. Interesting fact, my operation buddy has the EXACT same problem(s) as me. Talk about two "one in a million" individuals! I hope our headache and stuff will clear up as soon as possible. I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible. The hard we do now, the impossible takes a little longer. It seems that i am the forerunner now my friend!
I originally wrote this on 20th may , 2 days before my scheduled surgery. On the 21st , I found out that the doctor had unilaterally delayed the operation to June 12, as he did not want me to go down and waste my time. He was under the impression that I was ill with flu as well. I spent 3 hours trying to call him and when I finally did get through to him, I told him it was just a normal sinus and that I was in the best shape I would ever be to do the operation. But by then, they had already given my slot to someone else. So after much talking, my doctor told he that he could still see me on the original operation date, just that the operation might be cancelled at the last minute, or he could reschedule the operation to the following Wednesday, 29th may. Seeing that it was just a week away, and I could use that extra time, I went for it! I do hope there will be no more delays!!
The usual worries bug me, where do you go during GA? Do you just sleep ? What if you don't wake up? WHAT IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP?? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!!! The same little problems i faced in the summer of 09.
The summer of 09, the dread that the memory brings. The consequences of my actions and decisions. I hope, no, I KNOW that i have been healed by GOD and have been given a second chance at life. I have often pondered, what if something bad or something worst than the previous time happened to be post operation ? What if it was my body's natural response to the surgery, what if that my body was adapting to the surgery, and began to reproduce cells, in turbo mode to repair, emergency repair in response to the surgery. What if it was my body adapting? What if it was the next step in evolution ? I was feeling perfect, i was feeling fine that night, that night which i remember every second of like it was yesterday. what if it was my body's emergency repair and regeneration function that got a little out of hand and went out of wack that took 2 years of my life? This was the main reason for me delaying and postponing the operation. Until i finally realised, this is another test of GOD. A trial to test my faith and trust. And until i read and fully understood the bible verse Proverbs 3 :5-6 " Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" I will and am submitting to GOD, and nothing bad will happen to be post surgery.
The surgeon doing the operation is one i think is fully capable. Being a professor in mechanical engineering and a doctor as well (can you believe that) , i think his credentials speak for themselves. However, i do not really like the surgeon, he lacks what i call a personal touch, there was once i had quite a number of questions to ask him, to clear my mind about the surgery and he seemed to be in a rush and wanted to "run away". After talking to my operation buddy, it seems that we shared the same view, and were not too fond of him, but oh well, i am here for his skill set and he seems to be well qualified.
I hope i will not be let down by technology and that the surgery will go ahead as planned, as i said earlier, i want this thing done with. No matter what the outcome, i am prepared. To make great strides in life, one must take the risks. Either i emerge from the flames anew or i return to the dust from which i came from. But deep down inside, i know i will be okay. I have to be, for there are so many new 1/6 toys that i am looking forward to buying :P
I have often prayed for strength to overcome the obstacles ahead of me and the courage, determination to do what is right when the time came. And now the hour is finally here.( at least i hope it is)
I would like to end off with a song which i would like to share with you guys, one i heard while watching a film with a good buddy of mine. The song is one that reached into my chest and touched my heart.
The title of the song was "Freedom" , by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zi8FrocaALg
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth, I discovered
No telling how, all this will work out
But I've come too far to go back now.
I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it cost me everything I have
Well I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
I know all too well it don’t come easy
The chains of the world they seem to move in tight
I try to walk around it but stumbling's so familiar
Try to get up but the doubt is so strong
There’s gotta be a win in my bones
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom,I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
Oh not giving up has always been hard, so hard
But if I do the things the easy way I won’t get far.
Mhm, life hasn't been very kind to me lately, (well)
But I suppose it’s a push for moving on (oh yeah)
In time the sun’s gonna shine on me nicely (one day yeah )
Something tells me good things are coming
And I ain’t gonna not believe
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it,cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom, I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
Earned in blood
-General Sam
A unique combination of choices, decisions and events have brought about the circumstances that i now face. I was actually supposed to do my surgery last December. However, a Christmas eve miracle, 2 days before i was supposed to see the doctor to book my surgery date threw a wrench into the scheme. I woke up with no pain in my legs at all. I walked with perfect balance. In addition, while i was walking to the doctor's clinic, when i was not more than 20 meters away, a nurse called a told me that the regular doctor had just left the clinic to celebrate Christmas. I'm not sure about you, but to me, the signs were too obvious to ignore.
I cancelled the surgery.
And to my surprise, during my subsequent doctor's appointment, some good news was in store for me. The doctor spoke of a new type of hip replacement. A hip made of a material known as Oxinium. This new hip had properties far superior to the previous generation of hips.
Previously i had 2 options for a hip replacement, either a metal alloy combination of Cobalt Chrome or a Ceramic for the head. Using a metal would result in metal poisoning over a long period of time as the transfer of metal ions from the head to the human tissue would cause tissue damage and health complications. The metal alloy has a high toughness but has a rather rough molecular surface, resulting in a rather high coefficient of friction which leads to higher rates of wear. Using a ceramic would eliminate this, as ceramics are one of the smoothest materials around. However ceramics are not as tough, they are extremely hard but they are brittle as well and are prone to cracking. It is a trade off between the 2 types of materials, until the new generation of Oxinium Hips were introduced. This will be the hip i am choosing to install and integrate into my system.
Oxinium is basically Zirconium Oxide/ Zirconium Dioxide (Zr02). This is derived from Zircon, a rare earth metal. Zirconium, Zr atomic number 40, atomic mass 91.224.
Zirconium alloys or Zircaloys are used in nuclear reactors as cladding for nuclear fuel rods and in the space industry in the manufacturing of space vehicle and aeronautic parts due to its high heat resistance, zirconium is also used in the manufacturing of ceramic knifes. However, Zirconium has low biotoxicity, meaning that there is no detectable ion transfer between the material and the human body, rendering it a good raw material for the fabrication of biological implants. I actually know a far more about the material, because, as fate has allowed it, i studied about the material for one of my modules i took this semester. I consulted the professor who had experience in the material , in his own words, "i have ten plus years researching this material." So i have that part covered, i understand the very foundation of my implant. But to spare all of you the boring and lengthy engineer talk, i shall get right to the point.
Perhaps what is so special with Oxinium is that is helps remove the dilemma of choosing between a metal and a ceramic for the implant, BY BEING BOTH. The metal zirconium is oxidised until a ceramicised surface is formed through thermal processing. The ceramicised surface is not a ceramic coating thus it cannot chip or flake off . Thus what results is an under lying metal core with a ceramic surface. This way, the benefits of both materials are harnessed to provide ceramic wear resistance performance together with the toughness of the metal substrate, eliminating the risk of fracture.
The Oxnium head is coupled with a titanium stem and is socketed on a cup fabricated out of high density cross-linked polyethylene (XLPE), this combination of materials is marketed as VERILAST technology by Smith and Nephew, which is touted as a hip with a 30 year lifespan (mode). In comparison, a normal previous generation hip has an average lifespan of 10 to 15 years. This great leap in material properties and life span is extremely promising.
The hip replacement is a rather major one. Conducted under general anaesthesia, the anaesthetist actually gave me a choice, either GA or local anaesthesia, in which they would inject drugs into my spine so i would not feel anything from the waist down. Well, HELL NO! I do not want to be awake as the surgeon cuts me open and saws off part of my leg, so yeah i opted for the GA. Of course all the normal operation risks are present, heart failure from the anaesthesia, severe blood lost from the cutting, or severing of the artery that runs in my groin/leg, deep vein thrombosis (DVT) resulting from blood clots, just to name a few.
I am particularly worried about DVT, i had one in my right arm last time, a result of medication taken. And i have begun to notice that my blood is very thick, and coagulates rather easily, not sure if this is a trait of my special AB+ blood. Doctors will put me on blood thinners after the operation, but of course they have to balance the risk of bleeding (on blood thinners) and the risk of blood clots.
I have no idea how my leg would feel after the operation, i am whole and have always been for the past, 23 years, to the day. I hope the material and hip lives up to the hype and name. I am looking forward to returning to the gym and running again. However, i am totally not looking forward to the immediate post operation period. The lingering effects of the GA. I remember every breathe smelt different, smelt of chemicals. The first time i went under GA, when i woke, for the longest time i wondered if i was still in dream land, if everything was still an illusion. The nausea, the cloudy blur in your mind, that pounding headache.
How are they going to replace my hip? The doctor will cut me open, use a power tool, an electric saw and saw off the top part of the femur (thigh bone), together with the hip joint, then the implant is fitted in, the adaman... i mean titanium stem is fitted into the remaining femur bone. There are 2 types of methods to secure the titanium stem to the bone. Either with cement or by natural growth. With cement , there would be a quick increase in weight support when the cement hardens and reaches its 28 day strength. However, for younger patients like myself, natural growth is preferred. The titanium stem is filled with microscopic pores and the bone will grow onto the stem, securing it naturally.
The oxnium head is highly polished and fitted atop the titanium stem. On the hip side, debris from the dead hip is removed and a hole is dug into the bone. A hollow hemisphere fashioned from high density cross lined polyethylene (XLPE) is then fitted onto and screwed into place on the hip. The oxninium head is socketed into this cup and the implant is complete! In case i lost you anywhere during the procedure, i have enclosed pictures to help with the understanding!
Concerns? Yes power tools. You read that right. They will use a power tool to cut part of my leg off. I know, i know, that was how my face looked like when i read that. I am imagining a chainsaw at this point in time... The doctor also told me that they might have to fit a urine catheter on me. WELL, I TOLD HIM NOT TO, OR TRY THEIR BEST TO AVOID IT. I had a catheter before, and IT IS NOT A FUN EXPERIENCE. Personally i prefer shoving my dick into things, not the other way round thank you very much.
Thanks to my friends studying medicine, they told me that i would have an IV drip installed into my arm. The usual stuff, i was not too worried until they told me that the needle would be the size of a Yakult Straw. ( A large bore needle to push blood in, in the event there is major blood loss) To my medicine friends, please don't do that next time. I have only heard about the size of a bone marrow aspiration needle, BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE. Because i never dared to turn around and look at it, that would increase the psychological effect by a few times too many.
And guess what, my medicine friends have excitedly told me that at least one of them will be with me in the Operating Theatre. YAY ! OH GOODIE! A good friend and classmate of mine whom i joked around with and cracked jokes at will be or has a high probability of presence in the theatre. To that friend, please don't do throw anything into my body before they sew me back up.
Good thing is there will be a morphine PCA kit after the operation. This is a patient administered morphine injector. Press a button and a dose of morphine will be injected into my blood stream. Since i had this before and have built up a significant tolerance to opiates, i will be requesting the doctors to increase the dose limit of the morphine. To my friends, if you receive wierd, or rather wierd-ER than usual texts from me, please just ignore them, it would mean i am probably high and out of my mind floating on drugs.
There is a slight possibility that the surgery will be postponed, i am having a slight headache and sore throat with that usual runny nose. My operation buddy who is having the exact same operation as me had his surgery postponed today, because he was ill and the anaesthetist did not clear him for surgery. Interesting fact, my operation buddy has the EXACT same problem(s) as me. Talk about two "one in a million" individuals! I hope our headache and stuff will clear up as soon as possible. I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible. The hard we do now, the impossible takes a little longer. It seems that i am the forerunner now my friend!
I originally wrote this on 20th may , 2 days before my scheduled surgery. On the 21st , I found out that the doctor had unilaterally delayed the operation to June 12, as he did not want me to go down and waste my time. He was under the impression that I was ill with flu as well. I spent 3 hours trying to call him and when I finally did get through to him, I told him it was just a normal sinus and that I was in the best shape I would ever be to do the operation. But by then, they had already given my slot to someone else. So after much talking, my doctor told he that he could still see me on the original operation date, just that the operation might be cancelled at the last minute, or he could reschedule the operation to the following Wednesday, 29th may. Seeing that it was just a week away, and I could use that extra time, I went for it! I do hope there will be no more delays!!
The usual worries bug me, where do you go during GA? Do you just sleep ? What if you don't wake up? WHAT IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP?? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!!! The same little problems i faced in the summer of 09.
The summer of 09, the dread that the memory brings. The consequences of my actions and decisions. I hope, no, I KNOW that i have been healed by GOD and have been given a second chance at life. I have often pondered, what if something bad or something worst than the previous time happened to be post operation ? What if it was my body's natural response to the surgery, what if that my body was adapting to the surgery, and began to reproduce cells, in turbo mode to repair, emergency repair in response to the surgery. What if it was my body adapting? What if it was the next step in evolution ? I was feeling perfect, i was feeling fine that night, that night which i remember every second of like it was yesterday. what if it was my body's emergency repair and regeneration function that got a little out of hand and went out of wack that took 2 years of my life? This was the main reason for me delaying and postponing the operation. Until i finally realised, this is another test of GOD. A trial to test my faith and trust. And until i read and fully understood the bible verse Proverbs 3 :5-6 " Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" I will and am submitting to GOD, and nothing bad will happen to be post surgery.
The surgeon doing the operation is one i think is fully capable. Being a professor in mechanical engineering and a doctor as well (can you believe that) , i think his credentials speak for themselves. However, i do not really like the surgeon, he lacks what i call a personal touch, there was once i had quite a number of questions to ask him, to clear my mind about the surgery and he seemed to be in a rush and wanted to "run away". After talking to my operation buddy, it seems that we shared the same view, and were not too fond of him, but oh well, i am here for his skill set and he seems to be well qualified.
I hope i will not be let down by technology and that the surgery will go ahead as planned, as i said earlier, i want this thing done with. No matter what the outcome, i am prepared. To make great strides in life, one must take the risks. Either i emerge from the flames anew or i return to the dust from which i came from. But deep down inside, i know i will be okay. I have to be, for there are so many new 1/6 toys that i am looking forward to buying :P
I have often prayed for strength to overcome the obstacles ahead of me and the courage, determination to do what is right when the time came. And now the hour is finally here.( at least i hope it is)
I would like to end off with a song which i would like to share with you guys, one i heard while watching a film with a good buddy of mine. The song is one that reached into my chest and touched my heart.
The title of the song was "Freedom" , by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zi8FrocaALg
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth, I discovered
No telling how, all this will work out
But I've come too far to go back now.
I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it cost me everything I have
Well I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
I know all too well it don’t come easy
The chains of the world they seem to move in tight
I try to walk around it but stumbling's so familiar
Try to get up but the doubt is so strong
There’s gotta be a win in my bones
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom,I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
Oh not giving up has always been hard, so hard
But if I do the things the easy way I won’t get far.
Mhm, life hasn't been very kind to me lately, (well)
But I suppose it’s a push for moving on (oh yeah)
In time the sun’s gonna shine on me nicely (one day yeah )
Something tells me good things are coming
And I ain’t gonna not believe
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it,cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom, I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
Earned in blood
-General Sam
Monday, May 20, 2013
Freedom
"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots, and tyrants" – Thomas Jefferson
Freedom is an ideal, which men chase all their lives and at some point lay down their lives in that search. At every moment of our journey, we are searching for freedom. Each time, it is just out of reach. Each time, we need and want a greater degree of freedom. When we were young, we were chasing after that later bedtime, as we grow older, it was a later curfew, or increased pocket money. In college it is the freedom of a room to call your own. When you have a job, the freedom of choosing your own working hours. It is a never ending chase for what you deem to be a greater measure of freedom.
While watching a film with a good buddy of mine, a song came on that reached into my chest and touched my heart. The title of the song was "Freedom", by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton.
"Freedom", by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton.
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth, I discovered
No telling how, all this will work out
But I've come too far to go back now.
I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it cost me everything I have
Well I am looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
I know all too well it don’t come easy
The chains of the world they seem to move in tight
I try to walk around it but stumbling's so familiar
Try to get up but the doubt is so strong
There’s gotta be a win in my bones
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom, I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
Oh not giving up has always been hard, so hard
But if I do the things the easy way I won’t get far.
Mhm, life hasn't been very kind to me lately, (well)
But I suppose it’s a push for moving on (oh yeah)
In time the sun’s gonna shine on me nicely (one day yeah )
Something tells me good things are coming
And I ain’t gonna not believe
I’m looking for freedom, looking for freedom
And to find it, cost me everything I have
Well I’m looking for freedom, I’m looking for freedom
And to find it, may take everything I have
The freedom that i am looking for now is the freedom of movement. I may not seem like the type, but in the past, i ran. Or rather, i jogged, every night. You see, at my void deck is this running track and i have been running there every day since primary school. My HDB is one of a kind, unique in a way, the HDB blocks built atop a three storey complex, with the first few floors filled with shops and eateries. The void deck is on the fourth floor. This design was a shift from the normal rectangle HDB block with a small void deck space at the ground floor. This design was meant to foster greater community interaction i suppose, having a larger open space for activities.
I ran every night, to clear my head, to get the blood running. But slowly, it was taken from me. A sacrifice i had to make in exchange for my life. If you were given a choice, your leg or your life, i think the choice would be pretty obvious. A friend once asked me how i felt , as it was akin to getting out of the frying pan and into the fire. My answer is, that is the last thing i feel. I felt like i had been given a new lease of life. As i have said time after time, it was a second chance. Knowing of this issue, that plagues my leg, ( technically, my joints), it is but just another trial to test my faith and will. To move me, no matter how slowly or painfully, in the right direction. But of course at times, i thought this was another "HA! FUCK YOU" from life, just one of the many that life has thrown in my face.
HISTORY
What is wrong with this young man's leg you may ask? His legs look perfectly fine. And they do, from the outside, the inside is a whole other story. The steroids i took previously as a part of my treatment had a very damaging effect on my body. Basically, the steroids constricted the tiny blood vessels and closed them. There is a high density of said blood vessels in your joints. So, with blood supply cut off from the joint, the joint gradually dies. Unable to regenerate and repair itself, it slowly succumbs to the daily grind of wear and tear. This is called Avascular Necrosis, or AVN for short. AVN mostly affects the hip joint, the part where your leg meets your hip, at times your shoulder and even your jaw. For me, both my hips and left shoulder are affected.
I tried my very best to stave away the operation. I made an agreement with my good buddy , PAIN, who accompanied me every second of the day. But that agreement was broken, Pain over stepped its boundaries. Overwhelming my senses, not a day passed without pain. When i got up from bed, pain was there to greet me and when i lie on my bed at night, pain was there as well to wish me a "good night". At the start, pain was manageable, it was a reminder that i was still alive. The pain sharpened my mind, keeping it in focus, but then it became over bearing.
PAINKILLERS
Clarity of thought was a rarity, brought about only with daily dose(s) of painkillers. Ahhhh, my little pills of joy. There was codeine, the opiate and its bigger brother, Tramadol. Painkillers are an art to me, just the right dose to keep you in balance and in the right frame of mind. Using panadol or other medication as a carrier and booster effect. Too little and the pain would cloud around at the edges, too much and you would overdose. Not a fun experience. I overdosed one too many times, there was once when i ODed in school. And i was wondering why i was so sleepy, i just wanted to lie down and sleep. And that i did, i found a nice wooden bench and slept for 6 hours in school with the world just passing around me. I remember it was a tad too risky because every time i closed my eyes to sleep, my breathing would slow dangerously and i would have to struggle not to drift too far deep into sleep and to command my lungs to breathe manually. Not an experience i want to go through again...
And another class of painkillers, Arcoxia, though this was more of a "lubricant", a little WD-40 to my joints. You cannot imagine how it felt like to wake up in the morning, with your entire body stiff and painful. Thats why i do push-ups daily in the morning to get the blood flowing, warm up the system. Arcoxia was not to be trifled with, it was a potent class of painkillers, running the risk of heart failure each time consumed and when taken over a long period of time would cause liver and kidney damage ( as with all long term painkiller prescriptions). I started to OD more and more often, as i tried to run away from reality, from the pain. I literally had a pill for everything.
FATE
It is funny how the circumstances i am in now were brought about by a unique combination of choices and events. I was actually supposed to do my surgery last December. However, a Christmas eve miracle, 2 days before i was supposed to see the doctor to book my surgery date threw a wrench into the scheme. I woke up with no pain in my legs at all. I walked with perfect balance. In addition, when i was walking to the doctor's clinic, when i was not more than 20 meters away, a nurse called a told me that the regular doctor had just left the clinic to celebrate Christmas. I'm not sure about you, but to me, the signs were too obvious to ignore. I cancelled the surgery. And to my surprise, during my subsequent doctor's appointment, some good news was in store for me. The doctor spoke of a new type of hip replacement. A hip made of a material known as Oxinium. This new hip had properties far superior to the previous generation of hips.
Previously i had 2 options for a hip replacement, either a metal alloy combination of Cobalt Chrome or a Ceramic for the head. Using a metal would result in metal poisoning over a long period of time as the transfer of metal ions from the head to the human tissue would cause tissue damage and health complications. The metal alloy has a high toughness but has a rather rough molecular surface, resulting in a rather high coefficient of friction which leads to higher rates of wear. Using a ceramic would eliminate this, as ceramics are one of the smoothest materials around. However ceramics are not as tough, they are extremely hard but they are brittle as well and are prone to cracking. It is a trade off between the 2 types of materials, until the new generation of Oxinium Hips were introduced.
VERILAST
This will be the hip i am choosing to install and integrate into my system. Oxinium is basically Zirconium Oxide/ Zirconium Dioxide (Zr02). This is derived from Zircon, a rare earth metal. Zirconium, Zr atomic number 40, atomic mass 91.224. Zirconium alloys or Zircaloys are used in nuclear reactors as cladding for nuclear fuel rods and in the space industry in the manufacturing of space vehicle and aeronautic parts due to its high heat resistance, zirconium is also used in the manufacturing of ceramic knifes. However, Zirconium has low biotoxicity, meaning that there is no detectable ion transfer between the material and the human body, rendering it a good raw material for the fabrication of biological implants.
Zirconium is often doped with Magnesium Oxide (MgO) to form a high toughness. Zirconium oxide exists in 3 different states, Monoclinic, Tetragonal and Cubic, with increasing temperature.
Under stress (impact) the Zirconium tetragonal structure will transform into a monoclinic one, with an accompanying increase in volume. This volume increase retards crack formation and propagation, resulting in an overall tougher material.
Perhaps what is so special with Oxinium is that is helps remove the dilemma of choosing between a metal and a ceramic for the implant, BY BEING BOTH. The metal zirconium is oxidised until a ceramicised surface is formed through thermal processing. The ceramicised surface is not a ceramic coating thus it cannot chip or flake off . Thus what results is an under lying metal core with a ceramic surface. This way, the benefits of both materials are harnessed to provide ceramic wear resistance performance together with the toughness of the metal substrate, eliminating the risk of fracture.
The Oxnium head is coupled with a titanium stem and is socketed on a cup fabricated out of high density cross-linked poluethylene (XLPE), this combination of materials is marketed as VERILAST technology by Smith and Nephew, which is touted as a hip with a 30 year lifespan (mode). In comparison, a normal previous generation hip has an average lifespan of 10 to 15 years. This great leap in material properties and life span is promising and has bolstered my confidence in this procedure.
Alright, enough engineer talk, let's get back on track with the reflection and review.
REVIEW
Looking back, i have to say that the past year has been fraught with mistakes and poor choices. Temptation that has lured me from my path. Mistakes that i would like to bury and forget about. I am determined to start over anew. Over the course of the year, i found out my inherent weakness and am starting to take measures to strengthen myself.
And in the third year in a roll, i foresee that the coming year will be one filled with many new challenges and odds. Is this even possible that every year seems harder than the previous? The coming year will see me getting a new hip. This is a do or die moment. No one knows what the near future holds. I have no idea how it will turn out. Will i be walking and running with a new hip, or will i return to dust ? This is an extremely high stakes play, full of risk. Its either all or nothing, this may take everything i have now. And i have made the choice to take the risk. I wrote previously that i seriously considered getting a new leg for my birthday and it seems that a whole year has passed, and i would be finally getting it.
Truly, i am boxed in on all sides, the pressure to fold and break is all around me. Waiting for me to fail and crumble. I know all too well that the coming days and weeks won't come easy and would be a test of my will and strength, i have often prayed for strength to overcome the obstacles ahead of me and the courage, determination to do what is right when the time came. And now the hour is finally here. This choice will open up a whole new chapter in my life. I have made decisions and choices that have put me on a path, there is no turning back now. The point of no return is coming up and bearing down fast. Just as the men in the landing ships peering out over the surf on June 6 1944 at Omaha Beach knew that there was no turning back, i too know full well that defeat is not an option, and the only way is forward. I know deep inside me that the sun is going to shine on me once more through the dark clouds that have gathered above. I believe it.
We do not go to war with the army we want, but the army we HAVE. I will never be in a better shape for the operation and the challenges ahead. The obstacles that lay in my path will be overcome one way or another, because i know there is a win in my bones. This freedom will be paid for in blood. So i can now declare with strength "THAT THE STATE OF THIS UNION IS STRONG"
Earned in blood
20 May 2013
-General Sam
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Switch
It has been a little custom of mine to spell out what i term the state of the union every May 20th. Here i would summarise the state of affairs, draw a roadmap out and do some of the mandatory soul searching, and reading what has been written the year before and reflect. It is extremely sobering to have an insight into what life was a year back, how my mind worked then and to see how things have changed.
It was just 365 days ago, when i was in the skies on the way to Australia right about now. But this year, it will be spent back home, some alone time. Truth be told, there really isn’t much to write about.
Some doubt has been creeping in, when my life commandments conflict with each other. I swore to live with no regrets, but often, that meant doing things without regard for the consequences. This is in direct contrast with learning from past mistakes and thinking before acting. So i take a look at the current chain of thought that i process when i decide whether or not to do something. It is really just a question that i ask myself.
THE QUESTION
The question being : Will i regret not doing this in the future? If the answer is yes, then i will go out and DO IT.
But often, the answer is not that clear, sometimes, it lies in shades of grey, and i just cant figure out what to do. For example, i deeply regret not giving her the flower when she was just sitting next to me, lets call her M for all purposes ( i mean there are no such things as coincidences, only fate and your actions, and she packed her stuff so slowly, almostly deliberately) that is one regret i have.
Ah, the good old ease and clarity of hindsight. When every decision seems so clear and distinct with it. With that, i developed the coin toss. It is the coin toss with a little twist. It helps me differentiate between the shades of grey. And i shall elaborate.
THE COIN TEST
Items Needed? Just a coin. I have my lucky coin for that. So you have 2 paths of action, assign them to the head and tail and toss! Catch and cover the coin. Now here is the interesting part, you never need to look at the coin to decide what to do. It is during the time when the coin is in the air when your heart tells you what you truly desire. When you have the coin covered, and you find yourself wishing that it were a particular side, YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER. Everything distilled down to a single decision, it speeds up the decision process, try it, it is surprisingly simple, between 2 choices, no matter how closely matched they are, THERE ALWAYS BE AN OPTION you are more inclined to subconsciously.
So there you have it, the 2 processes i use to ensure i live with no regrets, its not that foolproof, but i am trying to improve on it and i hope i am able to implement them effectively.
The past year has been hard. No doubt about that. But again as i said the year before that was hard, i got through, and i shall get through the next as well. I have had my moments of weakness, of doubts, but i am after all a man, all men are weak. And i am working on it.
THE VETERANS’ PLIGHT
I can relate to war veterans, the veterans of the Vietnam war, of the gulf war of all wars. For a period of time, fighting was all they knew, all i knew. The fight of their lives, the fight of mine. It was what they did day in day out. There was a singular overarching purpose that oversaw everything , a guiding principle, to WIN, to survive, for guts and glory. And just as victory was declared, it all disappeared. The singular guiding purpose suddenly taken away, they were lost, released back into the world, with the injuries of the fight. Released back into normality. It hurts when you don’t really have anything to show for the war, people talk about it, all you can do is nod, because it was your job to fight. You had to fight. You try to reintegrate, but it is hard, no one really cares, things changed so much when you were in the war. When you are out, it is like a whole new world, you have lost out so much, so many experiences. You are out dated, part of the old guard, made redundant. Your friends, all but gone, gone off, gone with the winds of life, and you and dumped back at the same spot you started off, none the better and worse for wear. Sometimes, it feels cold, feels so lonely, with no one that can fully understand the circumstances, the wear it has on the system is incredible. I have to say, the war has taken not only a physical toll, but a psychological one as well, i have become bitter, a little more selfish and more introverted. I can’t believe i am writing this, but it is as if, a whole new person was brought from the fire. I long for someone who can relate, who can really understand what i have do and what i have to do, the consequences and tell me that it will be all okay, that it will all work out. Somehow telling myself that does not work.
And then come the thoughts, the whispers in your ear to switch off the light. You want to reach for the switch every single day. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. It comes, urging you to flick the switch. And it is so damn tempting, but then you remember what you fought for. The effort, the blood you put in fighting the war, and you just can’t bring yourself to thumb the switch. But the call is there, unmistakable, taunting you, finding your weaknesses, it says you have no place in this world, flick the switch. I understand how the veterans feel, i understand how it is to survive. In fact, i might say, the fight of the survivor is maybe, just maybe a little greater than the fight of the warrior. I pray i have the strength to lay down my hand and stay away from the switch.
STRENGTH
Strength, after all, that is what i pray for. The strength, physical strength, mental strength, and spiritual strength to carry on, to face the new challenges ahead. It is what i need, not a simpler easier life, but the strength to carry on. Because damn it is getting hard. Real hard. Yes i have considered getting a pair of new legs for my birthday, but then again, i need to see how long my natural legs can carry me. Whatever the answer is, i know for sure, i am seriously considering a new pair for Christmas of 12. It is getting hard to walk, significantly hard, then i am sad to say that i failed in one of my goals. I told myself, i would bring him back, the man who walked with pride, who swaggered around, i failed. Really have to see how i survive through the next 6 months with these “legs” of mine.
It is an extremely dear and important concern of mine, one that will define who i am, and what is to come in the years beyond. I pray i have the strength to make the decisions that have to be made.
I have said it before, the year ahead will be filled again with doubts, obstacles, it will be hard, harder than ever, but i will GET THROUGH. I WILL. I know i will. One way or another. And so, although the road ahead has it’s fair share of challenges, i can and will declare without hesitation, ‘THAT THE STATE OF THIS UNION IS STRONG” See you all again soon....
Earned in blood
20 may 2012
-General Sam
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