8 Years!

Enchanted Garden Ball- June 17, 2005

 

  

Standing on the famous "Pedestal"

 

 

Out of the 170 pages I’ve typed as a want-to-be writer, I dedicated 27 pages to my six month courtship with Ross. In celebration of eight wonderful years of marriage, I have copied and pasted excerpts from my records. It was hard to decide what to add, but this is what I came up with: 

June 24, 2005 “...We were there for a couple of hours after the sun went down, we watched the lightning just outside his car, and we leaned back and just talked. Ross put his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. For the rest of the time, we always had our arms around each other; it felt nice…” was recorded in my journal, “...I see nothing but good in him... When I pray, I thank Heavenly Father for Ross' friendship… I'm not saying Ross and I will get married, (even if Mom and Michelle are already mentally planning the wedding.) ...I'm finding out if Ross is the type of person I want to spend eternity with... Whoever I marry, I am not looking for perfection. I want someone who is aware of the areas he needs to work on, and willing to change. I want an eternal companion who will inspire me to be a better person. Already, Ross makes me want to be a better person.  

June 25, 2005: “In the evening, Ross and I went to a Madison Lions semi-pro football game. It was the third night in a row we were together. I took advantage of the time we had together. It was Saturday night, and the second summer block starts Monday. In the middle of the football game, our hands were “like magnets” (as we later described it) when he held my hand for the first time. For the rest of the night our hands were interlocked.

“This is a really big deal to me,” Ross confessed, lifting our interlocked hands, referencing him holding my hand when we walked back to the car after the game. I was overwhelmed with joy. I had the best conversation with Ross… At the end of the day I wanted a duplicate night with Ross, sooner rather than later.”

August 21, 2005: “What is love?” Ross asked.

“Well, do you remember a few weeks ago, in sacrament meeting? All the talks were about 'love'. Someone asked, 'how do you know when you are in love?' Some of the things that were mentioned were: the relationship is not based on physical contact, but you just want to be with that person and cannot imagine being without him or her, it means caring and respecting the other person…”

Laie Hawaii temple, May 2006 (We went to Oahu with my family a week before we got married. My hometown made the family vacation possible through donations. A gift for my mom; when she was battling cancer.) 

  

May 19, 2006, Seattle Temple

September 11, 2005: Our good-bye lasted longer than normal. It took a half an hour for us to say our final good-bye. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and he did the same. My feelings for Ross went from interest, to like, liking a lot, beginning stages of love, falling in love, to fallen in love. I had to hold it all in; I was about to burst! Ross already knew I would never say “I love you” unless he said it first…

After the CES fireside tonight, Ross, and I [took a walk] …talking about love of all things… We found a place to stop, and I sat on a fence while Ross stood in front of me; with the David O. McKay 2005 Relief Society/Priesthood manual in hand.

“I want to read you something President McKay said about 'love'. 'Well, you may ask, “How may I know when I am in love?” That is a very important question… In the presence of the girl you truly love you do not feel to grovel; in her presence you do not attempt to take advantage of her; in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a [great man] should become, for she
will inspire you to that ideal.'

“You are unlike any girl on campus. There are plenty of pretty girls, but they do not have the characteristics that you have. I do not feel awkward holding your hand, hugging you the way I do, or even kissing you, and that is really unusual for me, so knowing that; I would say that I do love you.” I wrapped my arms around him,

“I love you too.” I whispered in his ear…

September 17, 2005: [In the past, Ross and I have pondered] “…To truly love someone: How do you feel when you are around the person you love? How do you feel when you are away from the person you love?

“How do you feel when you are away from me?” I asked.

“Well, it was like the weekend you were gone for Labor Day [I went to Utah] I missed you; I was so lonely without you. At first, when I started to tell you that I love you I had to warm up to the idea., but now I can say, without any question that I love you, Kammer.”

“I love you, too.”

[Ross replaced “Kimbo” for “Kammer” shortly after we started dating. He told me that Kimbo is too common for a nickname. Apparently, among Ross' roommates they always refer to me as Kammer. I left a message for Ross on the answering machine, “Hi Ross, this is Kim...” Ross and his roommates replayed the message… They couldn't tell if I said “Kim” or “Cami”. It was a consensus; they clearly heard “Kammer.”]

 

 

 

[December 2005:] I placed bets with two roommates on when Ross would propose, so far both roommates are wrong. On Thursday, Ross and I did an endowment session. One roommate was certain Ross would propose at the temple; she said “I’m never wrong”. I mentioned that Ross will be really busy Friday night with lots of homework, and our “hot” date is postponed until Saturday. My other roommate predicted Ross was fooling me and that he really had “something up his sleeve”, but I know that if Ross tells me he has a lot of homework, he truly means it.

“If anything he will propose on Saturday,” I said.

Saturday, December 10, 2005: During dinner, [at Wingers] I couldn’t help but to be curious ‘I wonder when Ross will propose to me?’ I didn’t want to think about it, for I knew I'd have a ring on my finger before Ross graduates. [Monday, we went to Dale’s Jewelers and I picked out the ring]. However, among my roommates I joke, “He'll probably toss the ring out the window when he drives out of town asking, 'Will you marry me?'”…

 “What do you want to do tonight?” Ross asked, driving out the parking lot [after dinner.]

“Well, we could always do the usual; watch a movie at your place.”

“Okay… But before we do, I thought we could walk by some frozen ponds at Nature Park.” A light bulb went on in my head, ‘is this is his plan to propose to me?' I didn’t want to read too much into it, just in case I was wrong. We walked around the ponds hand in hand, making small talk…  “Before we freeze to death, I want to tell you something.” He let go of my hand and grabbed for something in his jacket pocket. I expected it to be something small, but it was bigger then I imagined. I looked at the plastic bag he held. ‘What is in there?,’ I thought. He pulled the contents out, and I was surprised to see my right shoe, the Keds shoe I had given to Ross when I asked him out on our first date [a whole other story I won’t get into now or this post will be much longer]. Only this time I saw a ring attached instead of a fairytale story. He stood up, keeping his eyes locked on mine... He got on one knee with a pleading expression, “Will you marry me?” I wrapped my arms around him.

“Of course I will!” He untied the shoelace and took the ring off the shoe, placing it on my finger. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Kammer…” He put my glove back on, taking my hand as we ran to the car in the bitter cold air, anxious to warm up. Ironically, we stopped at a bridge. “Are you ready to ‘cross that bridge’?”

“Yes!” And we ‘crossed the bridge' of engagement.

 

San Diego Temple- June 2006 

 

June 7, 2006 (2 ½ weeks after Ross and I got married) “It is moments like this I wonder what Heavenly Father sees in me, what makes me so special... Ross told me we are a miracle in the fact that Heavenly Father brought us together. He told me that when we met he had been off his mission for three years and it wasn’t like he didn’t date at all, he went on a lot of dates, but it wasn’t the right time. He prayed about whom to marry… and he got the answer that he should marry me!” “…I’ve never felt this way in my entire life. I have never been so happy or feel so much love…”

  

Mother's Day Tribute

 

It has been 4 years and 4 months since my wonderful Mom left mortality. Countless times      I’ve wanted to talk to her so very much and tell her about things that are going on in my life and to get advice. I know she is still near (I've felt her spirit many times), but certainly it is not the same. There are many times I need her. I don’t know how she (and my grandma) battled cancer for so long. She was in her late forties into early fifties; way, way too young. Now I’m facing the same thing at 34 and have been for 3 years. I have been blessed, but like my oncologist said,   I’ll be going through a lot of chemo regiments in the future. No fun indeed. Did I sign up for this? It is said amongst my family members that we were too busy talking to each other in the pre-mortal existence when we seemed to accept this extremely rare gene mutation. Anyhow, I miss my Mom so very much, but so grateful I’ll be able to see her again.

            One of many ways I miss very much about my mom is the moments when we said goodnight to each other. From my youth, she would sing the chorus to “Goodnight Sweetheart” by the Spangles. Afterward, she always ended it by dipping me. it was a moment that only her and I had and I loved it and miss it so much. My mom and I are very much a like in a lot of ways. For example, when we were in a conversation with each other we’d always end up singing a line to a song we thought of, which was inspired by whatever we were talking about.

 

Excerpt from a want-to-be writer:

…When I was a young girl, my mom never referred to me as having cerebral palsy.  Instead, I always heard her say “She had a stroke before she was born,” which is true. (In actuality, I’m technically hemiplegic. But as a child and into my youth, I always heard “CP” and not “hemiplegia”.  My mom would tell me “If you don’t want to tell people you have cerebral palsy, you can tell them that you had a stroke before you were born.” Later I realized she repeatedly told me that because I do not look like a typical person with CP.)

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…I have always blamed my problems in life very harshly on my physical disability, though at a very young age I didn’t realize that there was anything wrong with me. When I was in kindergarten I came home from school and asked my mom if I was handicapped.

“No, who told you that?”, she asked, seemingly disturbed by my question.

“Someone at school.”

“Well, you’re not.”

  On another occasion I asked her, “Mom, do I have a limp?”

“No, who told you that?” Again, she seemed disturbed. As the protective mother she is she never brought to my attention that I, in fact, do have a minor limp.

“A boy at school...”At that moment my mom wanted to go right up to the boy and tell him not to say such things to her daughter. One day, when I was at school with my Mom I saw my classmate and said pointing to him “Mom that is the boy...” My Mother was shocked to see that the boy who told me I am handicapped has the same condition I do.

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One evening I was expressing my pain to my mother…

“Heavenly Father never makes mistakes,” My mom said. “He never gives you anything that you cannot handle.”

“I would like to look at it that way”, I hysterically cried, “but I just can’t see it in me. I am so stupid. I have no friends…”

“…All I can say, Kimberly, is that this is one of your trials in life and Satan is the one who is bringing you down.”

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“…I know everyone tells you constantly and marvel at how close to perfect someone’s sweet spirit could be on earth. But sometimes I don’t think you appreciate enough that you are who you are. I would change with you in a second and so would everyone that knows you, but I guess you would never want to change with anyone… you are so sweet and kind to everyone so patient and sensitive to everyone else’s feelings… Someone someday will hopefully be as wonderful as you that you pick for a husband.” Letter from Mom 1993

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 I also want to recognize my Grandma Tess, who passed away, December 2002. I am honored to be named after her, and Emeline Tess is able to carry on her name as well. No doubt I was so close to grandma. My grandma's journal is minimal, but the following is an excerpt she recorded in 1980:

 

"…Diane and I are back for the brain scan for Kimberly… The results were that Kimberly had a stroke and a cyst developed in her brain… It’s too early to tell what the outcome will be, but with the will and help of the Lord she will have a chance… When you see what she goes through you know she is a special gift from God.”

"She is such a special little spirit. Why does this have to be? She is so special; such a sweet little smile and oh, so good! They say I favor her, and yes I do. I'm not ashamed to admit it." :) She saw potential in me I never saw.

 

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...And then there is last year... I threw out the first pitch at the M's vs. A's game!!



A Birthday Tribute

 

 

 

My Mom would have been 57 today; 52 is too young to die, but we did have five wonderful years with her. After her diagnosis with non-smoking lung cancer, she was given six months to live, but she then lived 5 ½ years.  This was in spite of the fact that it was in her bones, and other places in her body. I live 1,000 miles away from my hometown, and so this was very hard for me. When Grandma Tess was experiencing all Mom did I, thankfully, only lived a mile way. I was spoiled to see Mom every few months. Each plane ticket was worth every single penny. I went there so often, friends wondered if I even left.  Mom went through so much, for so long, and hardly had a break from treatment. She was always in pain, but never complained. The day before Mom died was very hard. I hated to see her with so much anxiety.  I’d rather Mom join her mom and brother in the spirit world, than to see her suffer. I am grateful she no longer has physical pain and won’t have to experience it again. I know if she were alive now, it would be unbearable for her to watch me being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries I’ve had and other treatments.

When I was 15, my appendix ruptured and I had an appendectomy, after confirming I had appendicitis. My pediatrician had told me I had the flu (lasting a week). My parents took me to the ER, late at night, after having uncontrollable chills. Because I waited so long, my surgeon told me he had never seen a ruptured appendix in as many pieces as mine. When I was being prepped for surgery, my Mom literally threw up, knowing I had appendicitis. She was trying to convince the surgeon I didn’t have appendicitis.

“Look, I just threw up; she has the flu and I caught it.” As a consequence, for my appendix rupturing, I had to be in the hospital for a week. During that week, mom was admitted into the hospital due to adhesions from past surgeries, she became my hospital roommate. It has been almost 19 years since I had that appendectomy.  I don’t remember exactly what the onset of the adhesions was, but I remember we were attributing it to her constant concern for me. Since Mom responded the way she did when I had appendicitis, who knows how she would respond after I was diagnosed with cancer.  Of course, she is aware of all of this beyond the veil, but I’m certain she has a better perspective and understanding. We are all here to be tested, beyond what we think is possible. After her passing, I’m sure she knew about my breast cancer diagnosis and all the treatments thereafter. I know she was in the room when the breast surgeon told me I have breast cancer, during my initial visit with my oncologist, and appointments thereafter. I have felt her presence on multiple occasions. I know she was there by my side, when I was wheeled into the OR for my mastectomy in 2011, hysterectomy in 2012, and craniotomy in 2013, as well as my chemo and radiation appointments. I am abundantly grateful for the knowledge of the plan of salvation, and to know I will see her again. I have been blessed with so many tender mercies in the last three years. Mom is such a mother bear! She has been and will be at my side forever, especially with my current issues.          

 

 



 

 

 

4 Generations



by the "Minchey Temple" in Emery, UT