The law condemns the best of us, Grace saves the worst of us...

My hunger ceases to know the truth of the Father's Love.

The Façade

Again may i stress do not jump to conclusions, what i may show to my friends be they wall post etc etc are all just a Façade. i am just putting on a show sometimes. Only close friends know how i am truly feeling. i know myself best and i won't say i feel terribly well and ok. In fact, i am one of the most loneliest beings now. Get well soon.

By Eternal Grace

I thank the Lord that i am being brought so far off from my comfort zone to learn what it means to be given grace. The grace of living, the grace of understanding, the grace of his love. To take me beyond my comfort zone of what i have learnt.

Destined To Reign by Joseph Prince is the book i am reading now.

To reign over one's life itself.

Grace is only grace when it is Undeserved, Unearned and Unmerited.

I have been a christian for most of my life and i have been taught that by my own efforts of faith and in believing - i will be blessed in return.

Is it not? You work for something, you want it, you work harder and then you acquire it. Like a monk in a cave? No pain, No gain.

It is too good to be true! That i want it all i have to do is ask for it. Wouldn't a person then resort to being lazy? That he does not have to put in effort to be given.

Give me, Give me, Give me....

This theory that grace has been given and will always be given because he has PERFECTED FOREVER those who are saved and believe. It is all too easy, too easy it almost sounds like a scam. I am a seasoned christian but this just flies in my face. It turns my world upside down. How is it that one can receive without giving? or putting in effort? Why does it not encourage one to be lazy like communism? If the next door neighbor asks for eg, $10k but doesn't work, why should i bother working? It slams conventional worldly theory down.

Wouldn't God only help those in need, that he stands with you guiding you along when you need it? Isn't it like, to put it in a very crude context, like wikipedia? Don't know something? Want to know something, look it up; then be guided by the information? God will only help those that seek to be helped?

The book also states that LAW and GRACE cannot be mixed!

Cannot be mixed? Does not the LAW define GRACE? To be given a pardon in my sin is GRACE itself if i sin? What are the ten commandments then? Laws? Divine Grace?

So many question, too many questions.

Morning

The morning starts. 6am and I still am unable to get some sleep. I decided to grab breakfast at macdonalds. You won't know how much I crave for human contact. As much as the birds that accompany for my meal I try to make them stay for as long as possible by feeding them pancake scraps - that is how much I yearn to be understood and to be accompanied. To take a smoke and to have someone come up to me to tell me to stop smoking would make my monotonous life different for once - it has never happened. How I see happy couples going by laughing as they tease each other. Let it be I thought to myself, let them be.

As the sun rises and clears what was once darkness that shrouded my surroundings. The hustle and bustle of sub city life begins. People going to work, children giggling with their friends, shop fronts that open once again to see the light of day. When will I see the light of day again. To lose all that you knew and to start again in what seems like a totally new environment. Many suicidal thoughts. Many, many countless ways that I can think of to easily end this miserable life of mine. You'll never know till you really get to the bottom of the well and look up to see the world passing you by. Pass you by.

The Listening Ear

Many times we take our senses for granted. But of all these senses the most important would be our sense of hearing and a listening heart.

I am just amazed that people in general do not think about themselves more. To find the deepest point within themselves, to understand themselves allows for one to understand others. Empathy stems from the maturity of one's heart. Transient lives that people live without having the love and compassion for others will eventually lead to them to a point where they will fall - pick themselves up and perhaps go on a slower path.

You never truly know someone else and this was the sad fact that i was faced with as i allowed others to find me, to define me.

I guess it has backfired, it was not in God's plan that i would rely on others to define me. I am humbled by his love to be able to understand who i am and to even take me back for who i am. I am glad that he has stepped into my life and placed key individuals to remind me of what life truly means. All the glitz and glam portrayed by the media is all but a fabrication to fill one's inner soul. One rises to the top of the social ladder and after that? When they fall, they fall hard.

The building of one's character and strength from within is like placing a very thick mattress beneath that ladder that we all climb. When you fall, you know that at least that you have you for you. To be contented with yourself, the world around you. To know when to reach out to the souls that are evaporating around you.

Without the events that have transpired i will not be here today, from the unfounded fears and doubts that i have longed so much to run away from citing that i was to young to think, to naive to understand. The real reason was because i chose to ignore. I am sure that God has placed it such that he knows how much each individual can take, i thank him for not placing so much upon me that i will be driven to suicide - every waking day a blessing in disguise. To learn about myself more.

I am changing my perspective in life, perhaps that is why it is such a radical change that my inner spirit and heart is fighting with my mind. To change from society's view to an inner viewing glass that no one else can see but perhaps understand and to go through this transformation themselves.

Maturity is a psycological term used to indicate how a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner. This response is generally learned rather than instinctive, and is not determined by one's age. (Wikipedia)

It is learned and not instinctive. Many mistake maturity with a set of rules or an application of formulas. Knowledge and experience are important in crafting the Jar of maturity, it is not the liquid that fills it. God has allowed me to thread on this path, he knew all along that i were to fall, he made me fall and i thank him for it for i would not learned if i had not. He KNEW and that was the beauty in it. Amen.

The world is so cold

For the girl i once knew

For only a foolish man knew

So cold

So Cold.

FUCK ME!

What actually denotes a vulgarity in various languages. Why to people swear? To release their pent up pressure and stress? Well other than that... it allows us to express ourselves in the most intimate fashion. To allow others to understand how we feel. Of course i would think that other hokkien vulgarities are the epitome of vulgar but i shall not mention them. Forgive me, if you find this offensive skip this post. Was just wondering... it's my blog afterall. Looking back through the years i have matured considerably. From being 16 to 22. 6 years! i'm amazed myself. I'm sorry i ''played'' with your feelings, i did not but i am not ready, i swear i am not... i rather not a divorce or a life of torment for you not knowing that your husband loves you fully, i am a man of DIGNITY and Uprightness. i Will not Cheat your feelings for my own benefit. Many live this LIE unknowingly that their partner does not love them but they love material means or another person. I am a man that will be true to his word.

Truth

The truth is, yes other than that i am drinking again.

I'm actually amazed that i can type properly, let me take another drink so that i can leave my inhibitions free for all to hear and read.

I do feel for you yes, but i am not together with you because... Because...

i don't want you to take the loan

i am jealous that you got the application (minor)

if you really wanna do it, do it, study even without me

I want to expand my social circle

i feel all alone (do not reassure me, you!)

I am not mature enough

if i am i wouldn't resort to drinking or any drugs

i hope i get a university soon

i want to expand my thinking and creativity

i should travel, shouldn't i?

the heart that beats within me doesn't lie

i wish you well

perhaps we'll be together in the future.

perhaps, i am not ready.

Czesława Kwoka

Czesława Kwoka (ches-WAH-vah) was a 14 year old polish girl who died in a concentration camp one of the many hundreds of thousands of children who died under the hands of Nazi Germany.

Many suffered fates that were excruciating as well as humiliating. The study of human tissue led scientist disemboweling their subjects while they were alive, severing muscle from bone without anesthetic. Injecting different chemicals into twins to see whether it would actually change their eye colour to actually sewing twins together in attempts to create conjoined twins, Vivisections on live patients, Constantly putting prisoners into freezing water to find out how they faired, decompressing them in a chamber in order to find out how they survived and if they do, were murdered to do autopsies on their brains. - all for research of the ''Master Race'' the Aryan Race.

You know it is ironic that without some of these records we wouldn't know at what temperature does the human body shut down and many others.

Without war there will be little to slow advances in technology. The irony of men when they try to play God, their intentions often go wry. Hard not to think that this was not less than a century ago.

Car Too Low?

Mom, "Your car is too low"

Me,"Rubbish! i didnt do anything to the suspension"

Mom,"It's the side skirting"

Me, "Doesn't make a difference, she still scratched the metal above the side skirting"

Mom, "It's just too low"

Me,"K, right"

I feel that it is ridiculous that a girl even when given the smallest car still is unable to drive it without scratching it terribly. Is there an inherent trend that girls cannot drive properly?

After studying the scratches i came to a conclusion that it happened when my sister reversed the car against a kerb. How hard can it be to just REVERSE in line with the kerb? You're driving one of the smallest cars in the world that can barely fit a family of hamsters in, renowned to be one of the better handling small cars that allows more "feel" through the wheel. If you hit something for God's sake, STOP! Don't continue and hope for the best.

I'll be truthful to everyone, i absolutely abhor girls who are unable to drive a car competently. I'm not saying that i am perfect, but if for every four times you take the car out and smash/scratch/damage it once out of the four times, don't you think that you'll just end up with a hole in your pocket or worse, in your spleen? They should make it mandatory for these type of people to take defensive driving and to intimately know their car.

"I don't know how to service the car!" Go do some research please, i'm not going to spoon feed everything to you. It already shows on the dashboard where i serviced it, when is the next servicing due and even has the company's name and number; just open your eyes.

But i guess to be fair, cars to us guys is like sewing is to girls, we all can learn a thing or two from one another. It's just that one hurts your fingers the other has the potential to loose your fingers. Anyway, i can't really be bothered about the car anymore, afterall it was always hers. Sometimes when such events occur i am tempted to say, "Any smaller and you'll be driving a coffin". But even i am not that mean. I've learnt to take things easier, perhaps for this on going reason, i am coping better and better with everyday surprises and not to be too caught up in them. A car is just a bunch of metal anyway, it's not worth the happiness nor the safety of your loved ones.

Often don't you think that in anger many people just blurt out whatever they want to say not knowing that it is irreversible. I know i would have a few months back. I've learnt to take a step back and since i am on this path to maturity i better be (i didn't say act for a reason) the part.

P.S. Please cover the scratches on the metal otherwise your door will eventually corrode.

Do you know how it feels like to be loved but not to love in return? More like, not to be able to love in return? It is heart wrenching.. . Yet you know it is better for the other party and yourself. Drink, drank, drunk.

Nightmares

I've been getting very bad nightmares about Death, how parasites are eating me from the inside out and how i got arrested by the police and placed in jail for all the rest of my life. Bad dreams. Better reflect upon them.

Falling Leaves Reaches To Their Roots

I may not be very good with my mandarin proverbs, but this proverb is one that often reminds me that problems can be solved when you reach their roots. Life goes in a full circle, a leaf that falls through life and goes back the path where it once originated from decomposes and provides nutrients to the others who have yet to be able to experience this path, in turn finding their own enlightenment of origin.

As i sat down on the park bench to light up, still feeling very angsty, it was hot, the cigarette was hot between my fingers and my lips - it didn't make anything better. i threw it away three quarters of the way through. Surely there must be something greater than turning to a man-made form of reprieve.

I shifted, moved myself to a shadier located. From which nothing but a wafting of anger washed over me, "Why can't anyone be smarter? Why are there stupid people in this world?" I knew that all these question which irked me had always been asked by me in such a current state that i was. To add to the already tense mood that i was in, a fly had to constantly pester my feet, begging for a morsel of sweat or some sort for sustenance.

"Fuck Off!" i said tersely.

Obviously it did not understand what i had said and continued padding my ankles and feet. After swatting and waving my hands around my ankles in what i can only describe as a failed attempt to use sign language to communicate with my feet, the fly knew better and left like a knight into the sunset, triumphant in his success of meeting his daily quota of irritating a human being.

Satisfied with the mitigation of such an onslaught, i sat there looking into space as cars whizzed past my vision, i thought to myself, "I've always been approaching situations that made me angry the wrong way all my life","There must be another way". Surely. The way cars are made, every manufacturer has a different approach to what makes a car a car and what makes their car unique. No two cars are the same, although quoted as a model, each individual car is marked by a set of tolerances that are acceptable. Such is the way of life as well, no two lives are the same nor will ever be. Each problem comes with a unique solution crafted by the individual to best cope with it.

I'll be honest with you, although i come from awell to do family that lives and provides for my mean. My parents as most traditional asian parents find it hard to express their emotions to their children. I've been brought up in such an atmosphere that i can literally say that i do not have parents, not physically but emotionally. Yes, they do provide for me and in turn that is their way of showing love. But i can show that kind of ''love'' to a dog as well. The difference between a dog and me? One shows uninhibited love and affection for his/her basic necessities whilst the other is naive not to learn from the latter.

I do not get to speak of my problems freely, even if i do i get silent assurance from my father, who is a man of few words, and i get a whole barrage of mostly emotionally driven comments from my mother. I don't really gain from anything, neither have i reached that level of maturity to fully comprehend their methods. All i want is for them to sit down and talk to me on a heart to heart basis, not a lung to lung basis. I know i cannot live without air, no doubt.


But what makes me human is my heart.


James 1:19-20; Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Quick to hear, Slow to speak, Slow to anger.

Maybe for these reasons mentioned above the quote, this is why i am slow to learn because i am learning on my own. True learning has to be desired for, it's flame kindled and treasured to burn an eternity. Maybe in my parents' place i place friends and role models as figure heads and the reason i divulge such intimate emotions with my closest of friends is because of my emotional deficiency.

Many times i wish for them to open up to me and to truly engage me in a proper proper Father-son/Mother-son conversation. It's not that they do not care or love me, it's just that they don't know how to properly express it to their child; don't get me wrong, to them they are expressing it to the best of their abilities. But to love someone, love can and only will be understood when they both meet on the same plain.

I'm Living With A Bunch Of Idiots

I shall come back to your questions once i've calmed down.

I'm living with a bunch of idiots who do not know what to do and what not to do in the garden and the biggest idiot will be the maid. Why does she have to cut the bamboo's foliage that the whole orchid collection worth a small fortune has to be uprooted because half of them are burnt? You will get it from me one day. Some day. i've never asked you for things in return for things that you've destroyed. You feel my subtle rage and i'm glad you do.

May the grace of God, coupled with patience and understanding calm me down.

Oh! Speaking of which, i actually had a thought last night, "How are you going to curb your anger?" Now that i'm faced with this situation, i reflect back about that thought and find it kind of amusing - which made me calm down a little and placed a wry smirk on my face.

Though, i still do not have the answer to the above question.

My Promise

Well it's 5.40 in the morning, watched a trailer on One Day, perhaps i will catch it alone someday. Went out with a friend to Arab street to Castania for a shisha and some tea. As we sat down and spoke, sometimes in quiet solitude, he explained to me how a circle was the root of ancient beliefs and how they came about. We spoke about memories that we had, common friends that we knew, moments we savored.

After a period of chit-chat the owner of the place came up to us and believe it or not through discussion he spoke about a circle as well, about how things will come full circle for the good, bad and evil.

As i drove home and passed through a drive by to order some very early breakfast, i sat in my garden thinking, "so is that what it means to feel lonely? to not have someone to care for you nor help you out in your daily life? Departure and separation truly allows one to learn."

Let me just say that i have read your blog and will not read it again. It pains me much to read on about your thoughts and how you battled through the days past only to turn around to snap at me. If you deem fit to condemn me then so be it. Without a doubt i think that you will agree that our relationship was not moving forwards because we gave too much of each other to love one another. I know myself the best and through this method that i am employing ( i understand that it does not work with you ) i am trying my very best to learn more, understand and embrace myself more. I have no urges to club or do anything promiscuous, i am honestly being me and battling my very own demon within me, to solve and resurrect the true me. I do not expect you to read this blog, nor do i snap at you when i feel pissed that you cannot think of things my way. So please i ask of your understanding - the understanding of yourself as well. Leave me dandelion, go find a more mature man who has gone already gone down this path that i am treading on. A path to maturity and self enlightenment. The painful truth is that the world waits for no one. I cannot keep a perfectly good soul like you just to drag you down with me. Many say that you are a keeper - that i can agree on. But i am not promoting the growth that is needed in a successful relationship. So what do you expect me to do when i am hurting a loved one? To become a better man without sitting in my comfort zone. You took on My battles that i was facing because you loved me - i now take them on with my own flesh and bone for only i can take on my own battles. I hope that we can meet in the future and that we can look back at those memories and that you will be proud of me for being able to go through the valley of the shadows within me to emerge on the other side to a brighter and more glorious me.

If you curse me with karma, so be it. If you hate me, hate me with all your might. If you want me dead, hunt me till i'm lifeless.

If i die, just know this - all i set out to be was to be a better man and that was my promise. I promise. I promise. I promise.

The matter of fact is that, i feel lonely in this world. Very very lonely. What is meaningful in this meaningless life? This is the worst feeling that one can feel. Is this why people commit suicide?

A Man Of Contradictions

So here i am, just woke up 2 hours ago and i am feeling tired again. I wake up everyday to the same cycle of food - yeah, don't complain... your maid cooks for you blah blah blah. Bunch of rubbish. Ironic thing is that i was sharing in my previous post about how i would like company, but when my family members try to talk to me, i get irritated. I get very irritated that they intrude into my private spaces when they need not be doing so, either that or they don't see it.

I want to live alone, yet do not want to be alone in this world.

A man of contradictions i am.

Loneliest Man In The World

Don't you think that in life itself, it is ironic that when we are bogged down with work we humans complain of too much work. Then when there is no work at all we complain of it as being too boring.

As we go through life, the bitter irony is that when we are young we get so caught up in life and society - the new world that we are exploring. We always want to explore. But when we grow older, have kids and settle down the cycle repeats itself through your children. There you are, left all alone again as your children get caught up in their lives and sometimes forget that you even exist. A lonely existence it is, old, cold and hungry for interaction, many old folks depart of this life in this manner. Maybe with this experience i'll know how it feels like to be left alone. i maybe suffering a bout of cabin fever i suppose, i'm the kind of person that needs to go out there. Needs social interaction, needs to do something. Anything.

''Cabin fever is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, paranoia, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark. ''

The rain of not having a close companion (of which i've declined - silly yes, but i must learn more about myself before committing) is one that cores you to the very bone, i guess it would be even worse if i were located in the arctic circle or some desolated island - is this how hell would feel like? Immeasurable loneliness. I wouldn't use the word solitude, solitude describes one being contented with one's self - you are just residing in your comfort zone, all confident and self dependent, still happy no doubt.

Is life a lie? That we rely solely so false pretenses that society gives us? How do i find this immeasurable solitude that i know that i will be happy with myself even as the seasons change? How do i love myself? Accepting the ''who am i'' for ''what it is'' that i was created as me and only me. It kind of brings me to the understanding of youths and elderly folks all at the same time. Both are bored and would like to do something. But what the youths lack is maturity to process what is right and what is wrong, which often lands them into trouble that is a constant abyss where some are condemned for life or sent to the gallows.

I feel young and old all at the same time, so much so that my irrational behavior often creeps into my mind, to just do things at a whim - like getting a tattoo or more piercings, driving to the airport and buying the first ticket i see out of this town or to just work at a random job. The only reason i hold back is because i know that all these are just numbing agents to get me away from the burning questions about life within me. Yet i know that i am not alone in this world that most probably a special someone is reading this. Well don't be surprise if i hang myself, i'm not at that stage yet, but i couldn't imagine living for decades in this rut. I really do wish to find my inner self. That inner sanctuary to solidify my character and understanding of myself, that i do not need society to become my crutch to aid me in my daily walk in life. My thanks goes out to my friends and strangers who have lent a listening ear to my silent plea for help.

Many ignore, even fewer listen. People who you care for but do not show due care. I will remember this moment, for those who are so caught up in life to not be able to stop and smell the roses, or just be there to listen. To those power hungry mongers who think that they are atop of the world.

To these people, Mark My Words - I will not be there to listen when your greatest time of need is at hand.

You shall be your own best enemy, you will learn that the world does not revolve around you for such transient experiences can be forgone at the whims of fate, woe to you for the days of reckoning shall be at hand.

May the grace of God let me get past this time of reckoning, for people of true hearts know when to stop, drop everything and to reach a hand out into an abyss to help someone. I thank you.

Is There A God In This Universe?

Essence:

a : the permanent as contrasted with the accidental element of beingb : the individual, real, or ultimate nature of a thing especially as opposed to its existence.

I was talking a stroll in my garden, stared at a pebble and wondered, how did a pebble develop? How did it Become a pebble? Is it by it's physical state, chemical state or by chance? For one if you broke it down, a pebble is made out of various cellular structures, molecules, molecules by atoms and atoms by vibrations that harmoniously created the atoms and up towards being a pebble. But where did those vibrating strings come from? Science has always taught us of the big bang theory and that by probability and chance that the universe came together. Who created those vibrating strings for it to be combined into a symphony and then into an orchestra of the universe? Therefore the essence of a pebble is from it's core vibrating strings that make up its atoms and molecular structure. An essence is an Ultimatum, it is the truth, it stops there.

Something cannot come out of nothing, if something could be designed, an intelligible mind is automatically associated with it's essence. Who, where, what, when? Did it come together to create a pebble? The seas/rivers eroded it into a smooth object, where did the seas/rivers come from? How does the sea/river move on its own, how does one physically define reality from what is real and not itself? How does one define an object for what it is? The human genome is made up of billions if not trillions of codes per cell that allows one to be a human being. Who defines being a human being a human being? If we take into consideration that a mind had to exist to design a human being, a cellular filled organism. What creates cells? Genes as we call them creates cells. Who created genes that specifically instructs a cell what to do? This instruction manual (gene) that is placed together came out of random? could it? would it?

My question is, how did one learn the alphabet or say the numbers itself? It came from the Greeks? Egyptians?

who would create such a system? A mind would be needed. A source. An intelligence of sorts. Does something really come out of nothing? In school, if a student would not know what is 1,2 or 3s, if he/she does not learn through instruction - it will just look like a bunch of scribbling to him/her. Who programmed the Iphone you hold in your hands? Who made a keyboard?

Who discovered electricity? Oh, you plug a plug into the wall and your heater boils. But tracing back the history of electricity, Thomas Edison discovered electricity - a mind had to give intrinsic worth to what was electricity, its properties and how it could be used. All these are probably too complex, lets break it down further. Who knew what was shelter? Still too complex, I shall break it down further. How do you know what is pain? Now we all KNOW how physical pain feels like, don't we? Isn't it a nasty feeling when a needle pricks you or when you cut yourself? What makes you recognize pain? - Your mind, an intelligible source. An instruction from one's mind that tells you to Recognize that doing something will result in a reaction. This works with everything that the physical human body can possibly know. That in experiences, we learn.

An Instruction Results In A Reaction.

I'll give you another broader example, How did you know about the colour black? By being able to identify the opposite of Black, which is White. Now if a person who has been blinded ever since birth, he would not know what is white and therefore would not know what and how black looks like, Unless is told that what he is seeing is called Black. An inexplicable connection is made with the word and to the object/emotion and anything related to what was described.

Now, for one to recognize what is Love, we have to know what is the opposite of Love - which is Hate. When a child is born and brought up in Hate, he shall not know what Love is unless shown through instruction through which a mind was behind this instruction. You would not know Love until it is shown to you neither Hate unless it is experienced before in which a Mind has to Create these emotions for you. So if the first man was on earth, who then to show him Love and Hate? Instincts? Who then created instincts? This flies in the face of evolution. Undying love is love that is unhindered and is even willing to sacrifice one's fit self for someone weaker than you in the face of danger. Isn't it survival of the fittest? Please do not ever get compassion and love mixed up, you can have compassion for someone but still pity them. But to love someone is to fully embrace them.

INSTINCT: b : behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level.

Let me ask again, who created this conscious level? That something came out of nothing? That it was by chance that this conscious level was created? That this ''Level'' was set?

What about accidental discoveries? That it just happened? That such and such came about by accident; like a discovery of a new drug for example. Question: "is there not a mind to recognize and process that that drug will be viable for usage or be harmful and that only through numerous tests would that conclude this?" Is there not a mind that recognizes a drug and says, "Ahh... this might be useful to cure so and so and so"

Could it be that life forms, emotions or as mentioned above, conscious levels are where they are now by a series of chances, the creation of something from nothing? Is there not an instruction from an intelligible source that places them there? What is the essence of Creation? Chance?

Now if you say that there is a probability that X meets Y with Z. Wouldn't there be a calculation to calculate various factors in which X may not meet Y or how Z may not meet either, or how X may meet Z and may not meet Y? etc etc? Now what if X,Y, Z and a couple Trillion other different alphabets were the building blocks of our universe? These joined up to create by Chance in an endless sea of strings that by Chance formed atoms; by Chance formed molecules which in turn by Chance formed cells; by Chance formed organisms and finally by chance formed life and objects (Animals, Sea Creatures, Objects like my pebble?) The reason why i said so many by Chances' was is complex issue of what the Essence of Chance is,

The Essence of Chance is a creation of calculations and calculations can be calculated and to be calculated requires a mind to calculate and to be able to create chance itself. (Read it over) Chance can be calculated in a calculation. A calculation can be calculated. A calculation requires a mind. A mind thus created chance.

To design, to create, to craft, to imagine, to DO anything requires a mind. To breath, to yawn, to scratch yourself, to run, to speak, to feel angry, to feel loved, sad, hatred, irritated, to FEEL requires your mind to recognize that emotion/action.

So i can deduce that EVEN A MIND is required in chance itself.

Therefore,

The Essence Of Creation (Even if by Chance) was from an Intelligible Source.

Have you ever dropped a ball of string and it rolled across the floor? Now lets imagine that this was the string of time. You are at the end of the string, but the ball fell around a corner so you cant see it. Now if the end you were holding were the present and you traced it back to the source, you would be able to see it's source, the sad fact is that throughout history this string has gotten longer and longer and even longer so much so that there are uncountable number of corners that you took as time stretched out into the millions if not trillions of years so much so that you are unable to see it's source. Now what if every discovery or anything that we knew hung from this string? It'll will still point you to the same source, the Essence Of Creation (Even if by Chance). Who created that string of time itself?

A Mind Had Created It And By The Essence of Chance That You Are Where You Are Today.

Discovery Of One's Self

I went to Arab street today, alone, to seek for answers that have yet to be answered. To come forth truthfully with myself - that i do not understand nor love myself as much as i think i do. I need questions to be answered and these answers cannot be rushed. Most of the time i find myself subduing a subtle ''rage'' that is held within me, a substance that cannot be grasped - my inner spirit man is not complete, it yearns to be understood by it's master. I never feel at ease, either that or i am distracted by work or school. What's wrong with me i wonder. I often need a stimulus to deviate me from the parallels that do not ever meet, a stimulus that allows the fusion of both lines. Sadly, this stimulus comes from external sources, be they people, nicotine or alcohol. Alcohol which works best because it lowers my defenses and allows me to get in touch with my inner self. The beat that rages in between the two is momentarily defeated (Yes i am on alcohol now). Question that perplexes me is, How does one find inner peace? That you know that the world around you and society in question will not affect you. Am i leveraging upon society and their norms so much so that i conform to what is considered the ''Norm''?

I find that the more i interact with the world the more answers will come in a steady stream. The interaction between humans is an unfathomable one that cannot be distinguished by realm nor barriers - it is an imperative in human behavior, insights that will in turn uncover the truth within one's self (be it experiences or interactions).

As i filled up my tiny shot glass with mint tea and poured sugar into it - it failed to dissolve. Will i see my cup as full already, but isn't it so tempting to just add that little bit of sugar to sugar coat one's life? Don't we all wish for a cushy life? The sad face is that not many stand back to smell the fresh air, the air that we so treasure. The air that demands one's attention, that gives life to one's soul. Sugar coated-ness can only be achieved through stirring of the glass, the invocation of one's inner self. A life without it's ups and downs would definitely be a mundane one. To savor one's glass whilst it's pure without sugar is what i am looking for and only then will i appreciate one's sugar as a blessing. Ravi Zacharias once said, "If you do not know love, then how would you not know what is hate", "If you do not know what is meaning then what will you know of being Meaningless...." the joys of unhindered love and how it embraces ones soul. To be loved is to know how it is not to be loved. The irony of it all is that one does not know death in order to know how to live.

Matthew 7:7; "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will open to you." I shall knock on the door of one's inner self to one day find inner answers, peace and sanctuary.