Epilogue

I think I've finally reached the part where I can say that I can put things down and move on. It's not because of another girl who had caught my interest, but rather a personal realization that my feelings for her had finally reached a point where they weren't consequential. The fact still remains that she was the person I had the strongest feelings for, perhaps even loved. When I see her now, I don't really feel anything anymore. The flutter of my heart has cooled to a state of mere vibration. How busy I had been this past week had only exacerbated this, and though I can't say I'm completely grateful, there is no ill-feeling either.

Returning to a state where there is no one I fancy does feel a little weird. But it still does mean that opportunities are now available to me. It's time to grab them, just as what she had told me before, "you think too much, don't let opportunities pass you by". It was a good lesson and a good experience, and I wouldn't regret having have met her, having have known her, having have fallen in love with her.

A secret power

I think most people have got a secret power. Sounds really dumb right, what am I blabbering about now? This power (deep breath) is the ability to tell if someone is attracted to you. Well, it's not 100% accurate but the gut feel is very strong. No, don't dismiss this notion yet. It actually does lead on to something else - the fundamentals of courtship.

When you know someone isn't attracted at all, you won't bother going after her. When you know someone is attracted, you also won't bother going after her. So who do you go after then? Yes, this is the interesting thing. It's the challenge of courtship, going after the right person. It's really profound but simple at the same time. Who do you go after? Okay, stop hurrying me. The people whom you go after are those who are in between attraction and non-attraction. That is where the challenge lies, to move the person from the fence to the attraction zone.

If you know Girl A will never be attracted to you, it's likely that you won't ever bother about her, since your effort would most likely go to waste. The people who go after Girl A would be those who don't have this power. Okay, now look at Girl B who is attracted to you. Isn't this a lack of challenge? All you need to do is pop the question and she's yours. No fun, totally. The only people who would go after Girl B are those who just want to be in a relationship, a lasting one or not totally doesn't matter. Now for Girl C, the girl who pays you minimal attention but at least there is attention. This is the point your heart races and your palm sweats. It's like when a tiger spots a 50-mph antelope. This is the challenge, irresistible and pasted and being waved at you on a large sign board.

Think about it. It makes a world of sense.*

*May or may not apply to girls (probably not)

A new beginning

I messaged her today, well not exactly today. Rather, I msned her yesterday and she replied today. We kind of talked a bit, how holidays were, what courses we were bidding for, until she had to go for dinner.

How things are? Cordial.

But it does represent a new beginning for me. For four months, I was languishing in my own sorrow, trying to bury the memories that I had with her. For four months, I was drowning in my own misery, trying to find a way out. For four months, I was on the wrong track. This point in time, this snapshot of history, represents my new beginning, represents the err of my four months and represents my decision henceforth.

What I should have done right from the beginning wasn't to find a way out, but rather, to find a way back in. This happiness, I should never have thought it beyond me. The future remains shrouded, but at least the path right in front is brightly lit by my hopes. Hope, is a torch running on batteries, the energy may hold the entire journey, or it may just leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but God-forsaken darkness. But at least, there is this driving force pushing me. I am grateful.

Right now, she's thinking of taking a 0.5 credit course. Maybe I can give a chance to man-created fate, and bid for the course with her. But first, right now, I just want to let her know that I've not given up. It may be a folly, but I wear my heart on my sleeves, and so be it.

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School is starting. This is another new beginning, and new resolutions call forth.

1. I shall compartmentalize my feelings, so that I can excel in my school work.
2. I shall polish up my presentation and speaking skills.
3. I shall take all opportunities as they come, and make the most of it (this was what she told me previously too)
4. I shall be more involved in activities unrelated to academic perfection.

For the first time in four months, I feel alive again, like a fire ignited within me.

(Next post reminder: I will need to talk about how similar Kelvin is to me, in terms of predicament.)

Back to the basics of consideration

What's up with everyone trying to pair me with Belinda? There are so many plain, obvious reasons why it's not going to work and I just can't see why people are missing them.

1. She's attached
2. We've been friends for so long, it's hard for anything to develop (I mean seriously, if you're a girl, what would you think if a normal guy friend for a long time just asked you out)
3. I'm still in limbo

I was playing some Christian songs just now on my computer while doing work in the interview room. Those were the same songs that I had been listening to while studying for the exams, while hoping that the pain would lessen. I felt sad listening to them again, which probably explains why I'm not listening to them anymore. It's easy to just give a blanket answer that God meant for this to happen, he has the right girl waiting in the future. But, is it the answer that I can accept? I've never believed a single word about anything to do with a pre-made destiny and I don't intend to start now. Though, honestly, I was quite tempted to think that way when the pain was excruciatingly unbearable.

Thinking a little deeper, I think I know why closure isn't forthcoming. The reason is that I just don't want the closure. I once told her that I wouldn't give up on us, that I'd take the chance, and that I'd always be there for her no matter what. That still holds true, irregardless of what has happened.

Anyway, I'd just like to remind everyone to comment. It's nice sometimes, to know that my there are people around somewhere who take an interest in my life.

Accomplishments

Today, is a good day. I was awarded the Deloitte Meritorious Award for being on the Dean's List of the School of Accountancy. It's my first ever medal for anything before, well not counting some lousy cup I won in primary school for a three-legged race. It's finally time to start building up my trophy cabinet.

But well, more personal achievements now. I finished my telephone database, in case I ever have my phone stolen. It's always the case of what's inside being more important than what's outside. And I completed my Secret Black Book of Human Resources (I mean I started doing it and have now like 40 entries). Feels like some Football Manager game where you rate people by what kind of characteristics they have. Fun but important.


Lay Khim said something last night that struck me. Some girls get attached just because they want the companionship. Always, I've only thought guys were the only ones who needed the company and that's why some of their relationships are fog creatures. But it's surprising, really. I always thought girls were the people who could be objective in a relationship and could do without one if it wasn't right. But I should have seen it coming nonetheless, with the entire episode with her already. There are girls who are confused sometimes. Well, actually most are most of the time.

Closure..not forthcoming..

I think I'm finally getting closure, but at what expense, or rather, whose expense. What I'm doing now is probably wrong and I'm probably doing what she was doing to me all along, the Slutsky substitution effect. Okay, not Slutsky, but still the substitution effect. In the end, I'm just being selfish and dishonorable. But I can't, it's just wrong and I shouldn't do it, much less think about it. So I just need to wallow in this pathetic state until I finally see the clouds part and sun come out again. I need to undo myself from this additional mess I've gotten myself into.

Lay Khim wrote a note today to everyone in the Dominoes of Dreams committee. She's a truly fantastic person and someone I can place explicit trust in. But what's more, she's a person with natural leadership abilities, someone who takes the initiative, and someone who doesn't shirk away from hard work. Admirable, indeed. What's more, she's a girl. (Not that I have anything against girls, but there are many girls who are just whiny and downright immature) And she ranks highly in my Secret Black Book of Human Resources.

Changes

I think I have changed slightly over the holidays, whether it's considered a good or a bad change, I can't really tell.

I think I have become less competitive. Not to say results don't matter, but I feel that I'm thinking less about the A+ or A from each class now. Mind you, this is at a point where school hasn't started. Who knows whether I'll revert to my old self in future.

I've also discovered that I love doing projects. Not school projects, but real-life ones like planning an event, etc. Taking part in Dominoes of Dreams also made me realize that one does not need an express position of power to lead. No, it's not of "made me realize" but "affirmed my belief", ever since JC. Another thing I've realized is that most people, probably over 80% of them in a leadership position lead incredibly poorly. Good leaders are really hard to come by and when they do, be sure to hold on to them. Then, there comes how leaders are classified. There are three types I think: people-oriented leaders, task-oriented leaders and all-rounded leaders. Then again, leaders aren't that important. It's the team that makes or breaks a project. A leader is just there to facilitate, to encourage, to inspire. I really can't wait for school to start, when I start working in small project groups again and the time when I really do start on SMUConnect (if it happens).

About her. After perhaps a month of being busy, I have thought about her less. But when the thoughts do come, they collapse through my mind like a tsunami over little houses at a coast. I feel numb for a second (just like now while I'm blogging about this). Maybe we were in a relationship, maybe we weren't. But the memories were unforgettable. Will I be able to take back that part of my heart that belongs to her now? Can I love wholeheartedly again?

So many questions, so few answers.