Happiness

My sister, Amanda, just read The Happiness Project (I haven't read it but I like her insights). She says, "It's an encouraging little book with practical tips that really do work. One of the things I see myself constantly failing at is her practice of 'act the way you want to feel.' Apparently, if you feel irritated and then you express that irritation, it doesn't relieve your irritated-ness. Looking back over motherhood, I see how true that is. But, oh the strength one must have to push that irritated feeling down into yourself, just absorb it, and gush out some sweetness and exercise patience and love. The outcome is that you will feel more patience and love and your irritation will lessen. So that's my happiness project for the week. Not so much for the purpose of me being happier, but I see the gospel in it, and my goodness gracious, it would just be really nice of me to be Christ to my kids, absorb their stuff, swallow my angry words, and decide to act gently and graciously towards them. But the motivation of, "so I can feel happier" isn't the best motivation, but happiness is nice." :)

Well, I just love my sister and her precious, crazy girls. I relate so well to her experience with my own children. Amanda and I took turns having babies. We shared maternity clothes and after-pregnancy clothes and, between the two of us, my parents have eight grandchildren under the age of 7! We love and discipline and train our children, but every mother knows there are those moments. They usually happen when dinner is on the stove, I'm on the phone, Adelle is climbing on the table, Hudson is trying to get her down while she screams, Pierce is kung-fooing Alayna while she's trying to twirl and sing. I hang up the phone, scream for everyone to just stop, and turn on a movie. (But Amanda's kids play "cooking" and mix cereal with dominoes and beads. Ah, such creativity!). There are those moments.

I don't think this is a fake-it-til-you-make-it mentality. I think it's grace, self-control, living TRUTH, and being Christ for my kids. Don't worry, be happy :) Here's some happy things ...

Little bitty piggy-tails! She looks like such a big girl, and her cheeks look extra chubby with her hair back. What mommy doesn't love smoochin' on some chubby baby cheeks?!

A little sister love. Adelle calls Alayna, "Nuh," just the end of her name. It's cute.

Guitar banana, singing the states and capitals song as loud as possible. I believe this shot was, "Baton Rouge, LouisianAAAAAAAH!"

Hudson was drumming, Pierce was strumming - Homeschooling at it's best!

Let me tell you a story. I get up every morning at 4:30 to have a cup of coffee and do my Bible study before I go train at 5:15. This morning I was extra tired. I got the coffee maker ready and started. Got dressed and tied my shoes and came back in the kitchen to coffee grounds and brown water dripping off the counter and running everywhere. I didn't get the pot pushed back in all the way. So I cleaned up the mess and went out the door without any coffee. When I came back in at 6:20 I made a fresh pot and now I have a smile on my face - happy things. :)

One more happy thing. One of my other sisters, Amanda's twin - Angela, got engaged to Bob this week! We're so excited for her! I'm corny and love saying, Bob's your uncle. Anyway, Yea Ange!!!

Procrastination is the Thief of Dreams

"The assumption of time is one of humanity's greatest follies. We tell ourselves that there's always tomorrow, when we can no more predict tomorrow than we can the weather. Procrastination is the thief of dreams."

--The Walk by Richard Paul Evans.

One of my dear friends lost her mother yesterday. Her mother, of course, was my mother's age. Young, vibrant, loving her grandkids and the life she had been blessed with. Then she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer - "like the kind of event that blindsides you on a Friday afternoon when you're trying to plan your weekend."

Her journey through this battle is incredible. You can read about it here.

I have many vivid memories of Vicki Dees. She was my bible study teacher through middle school and highschool. She made a huge impact on my spiritual walk and my understanding of God. She was a the happiest, sweetest person I've probably ever met. All of that is a direct result of her love for Jesus.

I spent many days playing at her house with her daughter, Rissa, as a child. I grew up with their family as an almost daily part of my life. But my strongest and fondest memory of Vicki was one summer day when I was over at their house "helping" with a garage sale. I was probably 9 or 10. Vicki had us pricing things. She would strike up a conversation with every person who came to her garage sale. Most of the conversations ended up with this question, "Do you know Jesus?" Her boldness wasn't overbearing or judgmental. It was the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed. Like she truly loved and cared for every person who walked in that day.

If you read her blog you'll see her faith and you'll see one of her last profound statements, "I was created to be eternal." Her faith is now sight and mine is the stronger for it.

Peace Making

Do everything without arguing and complaining so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God.

Alayna is in a disagreeable stage. She loves to argue, especially with her brothers. This morning all was peaceful around the school table. Hudson and Pierce were having a discussion about Batman and Robin. Alayna joined in with, "Well, I like my pink Batman and Robin." Hudson countered, "Alayna, there are no pink super heroes." Yes there are. No there aren't. Yes there are. No there aren't. Until Hudson said, "Alayna, you don't own the world." She burst into tears, "Mom," she wailed, "Hudson said I don't own the world!"

Arguing, wailing, and me refereeing are all regular occurrences at this house. Sometimes I correct Hudson with this great bit of wisdom, "Hudson, she's two. Just tell her, 'okay' and go on." But most of the time I try to use scripture to correct the kids. They have the scripture at the top of this post memorized. We're still learning to put it into practice. :)

Fully recovered from the realization that she doesn't own the world.

Pierce and Alayna working on their letters.

Beautiful Blue Eyes and her pretty little fish face!

Stretching

Stretching is probably one of the most neglected parts of exercise but it's one of the best things for you. We're stretching in more ways than one around here. The last couple of months have been pretty lean due to several unexpected expenses - one being the air conditioner motor. When it's 105 degrees every day, you can't go without the AC.

Anyway, one of the first things on the budget to get cut is the food budget. There are those days when I'm so tired that I can't possibly make lunch (insert sarcastic tone) so we drive through Chick-fil-a (okay, so maybe I'm just craving that deluxe chicken sandwich with provolone and a little caffeine on the side!). The last couple of months we haven't been driving through and I've been forced to overcome a little mommy-laziness and get creative - sometimes you have to think outside the pb&j box. Yesterday the kiddos were thrilled with bananas, raisins, cracker and cheese. Creativity and no money inspire incredible resourcefulness and sometimes some pretty awesome recipes. You can do amazing things with lentils and beans! (It's a special blessing when Mom has an "extra" flank steak too!)

Tight financial months also open your eyes to the amazing faithfulness of God. His timing and precision is perfect. I can't tell you how many times we've been blessed with a grocery gift card or money in the mail, a package of diapers on the porch, even a thank you note from a friend with a little Sonic gift card inside ( You know who you are. Thank you!)! This kind of stretching also keeps us dependent on God and seeking Him.

My kids' faith is growing through this too. The other day we were driving out to a friend's house. I forgot the directions and my cell phone was dead. We drove around the neighborhood for awhile and I was about to give up when Hudson said, "Mom, you could pray." Right, good idea five-year-old! We prayed and, sure enough, we found it around the next turn! Hudson said, "I knew God would answer that prayer."

Last night I was saying goodnight to the boys. Hudson (no prompting from David or me) said, "I think I'm not going to play on the computer or my video games on Sundays anymore."

I said, "Really, what made you decide that?"

He said, "Oh I just thought it would be a good idea. I think I should just pray and do other things because my Bible says it's God's day and I think that's what He would want me to do." For real?! What mother who prays for the hearts of her children every day wouldn't be glowing, bursting, and weeping?! I'm amazed to see the Holy Spirit at work.

Then there's the stretching that occurs in me homeschooling three kids and nursing a baby. I'll share a little deeper look at that sometime. I'm glad there's not a camera on us most of the time! We have fun and we learn a lot and this mommy gets to practice just about every fruit of the Spirit or ask forgiveness later!

So, a little stretching is no big deal, especially when it's building such strong faith, not just in me, but in my children.

On a lighter note, David shaved the goatee and surprised me with this:

It's all shaved off now. Aren't we all glad!

The best advice I ever got on having a new baby ...

After I had my first-born and went through the traumatic experience that is bringing them home from the hospital (what? You're letting me take him home?! Somewhat comparable to the first time I drove by myself thinking, I can't believe they're letting me do this!), some of David's friends threw a baby shower for us. One of the wise mother's there (a link to her blog, Mrs. Troop, is at the bottom of the page) gave me some advice that has stayed with me through every baby.

Every morning, take a shower and put on some makeup.

Brilliant! When you're frumpy, post-baby-weight, sleep-deprived body meets real life, it makes all the difference in the world to look and smell presentable. There may be days you accomplish little else in those first couple of weeks home from the hospital, but your whole frame of mind is much more positive when you're clean and not embarrassed to be seen! Did I mention that Mrs. Troop has EIGHT children. She might know what she's talking about! :)

It's not so important that you look good while you're changing diapers and wiping bottoms and printing Batman coloring pages and disciplining the other children and feeding the baby and feeding the other kids and loading the dishwasher and folding the laundry and refereeing disagreements and finding Hans Solo in the pocket of the other shorts ... it just makes you feel better. No, I don't have it all together and never will - but I'm clean!

Deep Breaths

This morning I've had to stand up really straight and take several deep breaths. I have that feeling in my head like you get before you pass out. I get this way at the end with every baby. I CAN'T BREATHE!!! and obviously I don't stand up straight. I miss pilates.

Tuesday night in the middle of Zumba my YMCA aerobics coordinator boss found me in the midst of the 75 dancing women (I was easy to spot in my red tank top and massive belly). It's spring break and no one was available to teach the Basic Step class the next morning. So, Wednesday morning I shuttled us to the Y, checked the kids in and set up class in the gym. All the equipment for this class is on rolling carts in a closet across from the gym - roll the weights over, roll the steps over, roll the speaker system over, plug in, set up ... then two people showed up. No big deal.

Basic step is generally for people who are just getting started exercising or have illness/injuries that prevent them from working out really hard. I had one older lady who barely spoke a word, and a very talkative 40 year old lady. She asked about my pregnancy and my kids and my life and then shared about hers (all while I'm giving step cues and instructions on proper form :) ).

She shared that after two miscarriages she got pregnant with her son who is now 14 months old. When she finally got pregnant she was afraid to move. She barely did anything and gained quite a bit of weight. Now she's trying to lose the weight because she wants to have another baby. She runs a support group for women who have lost babies. I loved hearing her story and seeing how passionate she is for other women because of the pain she has experienced. All that to say, it's okay that I can't breathe. :)

Coffee please.

I have three small children and one huge belly. When bath time rolls around I line them up in the tub and scrub and rinse while they play and wiggle and splash. Then I pull out the boys, lotion and robe them and send them to their room. Next I wrap the giant baby in a towel while she gnaws on Diego's arm (teething is her full-time job). Then I finally stand up straight and fully inhale. The crowding out of my lung capacity is here. Lovely. The boys clothes are always laid out and ready for them, but who can resist a game of birthday-suit tag around the house before following directions and getting dressed! All clothed and combed, nails clipped, ears clean, and I collapse.
Yes, there are days when this task is such an exhausting chore. It's going to be great to add another to the mix - rub-a-dub-dub, four "men" in a tub might be pushing it though. We'll have to go to two bath times, but that's another story.

I talked to a couple of empty-nesters yesterday who were practically in tears missing the days when their kiddos were little. One of them was my mother. Here's to enjoying the exhausting, LONG days of mothering small children and soaking in and loving every moment!

And, this video is for my sister Shannon. My baby girl is obsessed with her dog. :)

Alayna talking about Milton

That it may impart grace.

"She's got three children and she's about to issue another!" Thought the entire crowd at Walmart as if I had seven children under the age of 4 and were about to give birth to triplets right there on the floor. Honestly, it's four children people, not a reality show! I've heard so many one-liners the past few months, now that the belly is out there. On the tame side: "Wow! You sure do have your hands full." One the bold, brazen and someone-put-a-muzzle-on-that-woman side: "Haven't you figured out what causes that?"

I'm a pretty laid back person. I'm not easily offended and don't get riled up about things. This subject has been pushed to the forefront of my mind due to a couple of things (other than the constant flow of comments from complete strangers who feel the need to pass judgement on me so freely and openly): as usual, I read another blogger mom-of-four who is dealing with this issue; and I saw a movie about motherhood (but I'll address those thoughts in another post).

To address the first point: why do people think they're opinions and their judgements should always be expressed? Obviously they think that those of us who don't share their opinions and don't posses such "good judgement" would benefit from their wisdom and that we are encouraged by their dirty looks and comments. Well, they're wrong. And, it's not like I was dragging three fit-throwing, snotty, ratty-haired, foul-mouthed children through the store. Baby girl, sat happily in the basket and the big boys were holding hands and walking beside me while they jabbered quietly to each other about super heroes or something. I wasn't sweating or breathing hard or struggling in any way to get my children and our purchases through the store. And even if I were, dirty looks and comments are less than helpful.

These tend to happen whether your a mother of one "It must be nice to have so much free time on your hands,"!?!? or unmarried at 31, or married for seven years with no children, or home schooling, or working or not working or long-haired or short-haired or ... the never-ending list goes on and on with reasons others can judge you because you're not like them.

My husband's funny answer to rude comments is, "I always say nice things about you." Ha ha. In truth, there's not a whole lot I can say. I generally smile and keep going if at all possible. I think of the witty retorts later and I'm glad I didn't come up with them in the moment - no need to incite violence - ha! But for myself I can strive to speak encouragement to others rather than judgement of their choices or the life that has been dealt them.

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Eph 4:29

Good Intentions

I love the New Year because it feels like a fresh start; a new mercy that brings with it new goals, refreshed priorities and good intentions. However, my ambitious endeavors are often side-lined because I have children!

This morning my alarm went off at 6 am. I hoisted my pregnant body out of bed and pulled on my tennis shoes. Mentally and physically prepared to hit the treadmill (not that it's doing me a whole lot of good - someday I'll post a belly shot). In the thirty minutes that I walk (uphill at 4 mph - be impressed!) I read my Bible and work on my memory verses and pray in the quiet of our little back room. It's the perfect start to my day. When I get done I make the coffee and the oatmeal and David's lunch. I feel like I've already accomplished so much. But, back to this morning, 6:08 to be exact, I hear that one word that drives all my plans into the ground. "Maaaaa-maaaaa!" I opened the door to Alayna's room and she holds her arms out to me from the crib. "I hold you," she says. I picked her up and she laid her head down on my shoulder. "Rocky," she says. So, instead of sweating it out on the treadmill and getting a jump start to my day, we rocked and sang and snuggled.

The truth is, man plans his ways, but God directs his steps. Good intentions are what they are even if they never amount to anything. Don't be like the guy who says, tomorrow we'll go to this town or that town and do business and make a profit (James, the Bible). You do not know what a day may bring forth.

I talked to a guy last night from my water aerobics class. He's always had back trouble and it had been bothering him a lot of late. When I asked him how he was feeling last night he said the MRI revealed a tumor on his spine and he was going into surgery the next day. This man just recovered from prostate cancer and has lost three family members in the last year to cancer. You never know what a day may bring forth.

From one extreme to another - God is still in complete control. Wherever you are, in whatever circumstances - whether frustrated because your morning plans were "messed up" by a toddler or something more extreme, rely on the One who is in control.

"It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness, that you learn to rely on Me. True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do. It's coming to Me with an open mind and heart, inviting me to plant My desires within you." --Jesus Calling, Sarah Young.

Christmas Grace

Lots of things on my brain this morning: Menu planning, what to get my dad for Christmas (the man who has everything or buys it himself on the internet Dec 15 - thanks dad), projects to finish before Christmas, must mail those Christmas cards today! grocery shopping by 9 or it won't happen, am I really only half way through this pregnancy?! I feel huge, probably baking some goodies this afternoon for friends and neighbors, and that little diaper bottom in pink sweatpants that just walked by sure is cute ...

I finally wrapped the presents yesterday during nap time. When Pierce woke up he said, "We really ARE getting presents!" Someone asked Hudson last night if Santa was coming to his house. He looked at them with this do-you-think-I'm-a-dumb-little-kid look and said, "Santa Clause is already in heaven and his real name is Saint Nick." We did supply the history of St, Nicholas, but not the attitude! Good grief! Pierce is a little scared of "Santa Claw" so it's just as well that we don't "do" Santa. When Hudson was about 3, he kept telling me these crazy things about Satan. It was several days before I realized he was trying to say Santa - much to my relief!

I do like the philosophy of giving gifts to my children because I love them and want to bless them rather than gifts magically appearing if they're good vs. bad. We're really celebrating the birth of Christ who came to us, not because we're good and deserving, but because He first loved us. His ultimate gift to us required the greatest sacrificial gift of all time - His life for ours. I have been blessed with grace and mercy and love having the opportunity to share that beautiful picture of grace with my children.

The Real on ONLY Reason for Happiness

Yesterday, I named ten things that make me happy. But somewhere in my pregnant, eardrumless fog I failed to mention that, while these things make me abundantly happy and I am so blessed, my JOY is in Jesus Christ. That is the One steadfast, immovable, unchangeable Foundation to joy and peace, even if something changes in my top ten list.

Since Monday, I've been laying low quite a bit. The minute I get up and get busy, I get dizzy and nauseous. Thankfully, the kids have been great and my husband has kept up the laundry and dishes and picked up the house and my mom has helped out with the kids when I really needed down time. Everything has gone smoothly, but I'm a busy person and it's only how many days until Christmas?! I really have so much to do but with my head swimming, I have to be still. Yesterday as I was fighting the need to set up the sewing machine and get to the grocery store and finish up the Christmas shopping, I read this:

"I am speaking in the depths of your being. Be still so that you can hear My voice. I speak in the language of love; My words fill you with life and peace, joy and hope. I desire to talk with all of my children, but many are too busy to listen. The "work ethic" has them tied up in knots. They submit wholeheartedly to this taskmaster, wondering why they feel so distant from Me.

"Living close to Me requires making Me your First Love--your highest priority. As you seek My Presence above all else, you experience Peace and Joy in full measure. I also am blessed when you make Me first in your life. While you journey through life in My presence, My Glory brightens the world around you."

Is 50:4; Rev 2:4; Is 60:2

Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

The first question in the shorter catechism is: Q - What is the chief aim of man? A - The chief aim of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

John Piper's deduction in his book, Desiring God is that we glorify God BY enjoying Him. Finding our joy in Christ is our purpose in life and fulfills our calling to glorify God. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." - JP

In every moment leading up to the celebration of the life and sacrifice of our Savior, find your delight - not in the hubbub and craziness of shopping and gifts and decorations (though all that can be fun too) - but in the deep, deep love of Jesus!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free! Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me - underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love; leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above.

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore! How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, never more. How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own; How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, Love of every love the best! 'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'tis a haven sweet of rest. O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'tis a heaven of heavens to me; and it lifts me up to glory for it lifts me up to Thee.

--Samuel Trevor Francis 1834-1925

Break Time

Saturday's are generally the same as any other day for us. David usually still has work appointments. The kids and I don't usually do any official school, but we may tackle a project and my hands on attention is always needed.

Today, David is staying home with the kids and I get to go out. Grant it, it is a meeting, but it's at Panera with a group of women that I adore, planning exciting things. So, I'm excited.

Here's the part where I jump on my soap box and proclaim deep truths: Mom's need a break every once in a while. Deep, isn't it?! But, seriously, it has taken me three children to really understand this. I always felt guilty leaving my kids with someone else so I could go grocery shopping alone or just get a cup of coffee and sit in quiet. But I would let myself get to the point of weariness and tears and overwhelming frustration, when all I really needed was a moment without someone on my hip, and someone pulling at my leg and someone else yelling "mom" across the house. When I felt like everything I did was mediocre or worse, I would get burned out.

I'm not a preacher of "me-time" by any means. I love my children and I want to invest time and energy and MYSELF into them. However, the truth stand that if my energy is sapped, the only investment my children will receive will be from the frustrated, over-tired mom who has grown to view her role as a mother as a burden instead of a joy.

Last week, a dear, trusted friend offered to keep the kids for the day while I did something fun. She's a mother of four nearly grown children herself, so she understands exactly where I am right now - she was there herself at one time. So, you don't have to depend on your husband and run out the door as soon as he gets home from work. You don't always have to pay a babysitter (though I have a time or two). Even other mommy friends don't mind giving you a break, because they understand too.

So, I'm off to shower and throw on something cute (no maternity sweats - ugh!!) and get ready for a couple of hours OUT! This afternoon holds plenty of lego building, baby rocking, book reading and game playing. For now - a short break that I shall ENJOY!!

Catechisms in real life

Well the kitchen got cleaned from top to bottom, the house got completely disinfected (I'll have to do it again today), and "it" is a GIRL! We couldn't be more thrilled ... except for the boys. Hudson said, "Are you kidding me? Don't you know we like boys around here." He and David had a long talk after that one. He came back and apologized for being disrespectful. This morning he said, "Mom, I really like just having us." To which I responded, "What if I told your daddy before you were born that I really liked just having us and we never had you, would you be sad? What if we went ahead and had you and after you were born we decided we really didn't want any more kids, so we never had Pierce or Alayna. Would you be sad?"

We've been doing our daily Bible study time through a devotional book of catechisms and we're on providence, so I asked, "Hudson, what is providence?" He rolled his eyes a little bit, but answered, "God's wise governing of every creature and every action." I smiled and said, "Do you think God knew I was going to have another baby? Do you think God decided our family would need another girl instead of a boy? Do you think God knows what's best, even if it's not what we want?" He nodded his head to all of that (and sadly it reminds me of the same conversation I had with myself when I first found out I was pregnant). "God has something very special for this little girl just like he does for you." I told him when I didn't like someone it always helped me to pray for them. So he prayed, "God help me to love this baby even though I don't like her"!! I guess we're moving in the right direction.

Alayna pays attention to all this baby talk. She said, "Ah, cute!" Which is what she says about every baby, animal, or clothes she likes. Who wouldn't want another one of those?!

Battle Ground

"Don't be distracted by future concerns. Leave them to Me! Each day of life is a glorious gift, but so few people know how to live within the confines of today. Much of their energy for abundant living spills over the time line into tomorrow's worries or past regrets. Their remaining energy is sufficient only for limping through the day, not for living it to the full." --Jesus Calling

2 Chronicles 20 has been my absolute favorite Bible story for a long time. I re-read it tonight and feel a renewed faith that the Lord is perpetually with me in this moment and this season of my life. Future concerns weigh so heavily on me at times that the joy is completely robbed from my TODAY. The story goes that armies are coming against Israel and they are afraid so they all come together to seek the Lord. "And all Judah was standing before the Lord, with their infants, their wives and their children." I love that picture. That's where I am. Look at me, Lord. Do you see me here, pregnant with three small children and a sick husband? Do you see how hard this is? What am I supposed to do?

The story continues that a prophet comes forward with a word from the Lord that Israel will not need to fight in this battle, "for the battle is not yours, but God's... put your trust in the Lord your God and you will be established." Then the king sends out the choir before the army to "give thanks to the Lord for His loving kindness is everlasting." And when they began singing and praising the Lord set ambushes against the other armies and they destroyed each other while Israel watched. It's an amazing story - you should read the whole thing.

The truth is I feel like I've been limping through my days, instead of trusting in the Lord and waiting for His deliverance that is promised to come. It may be a long time before life is "normal" again, but I know that my lot is maintained by my heavenly Father who knows exactly what I need and who is using every opportunity to draw me to Himself.

My Baby

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;

Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,

Your justice like the oceans depths...

How precious is Your unfailing love, O God!  

All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.

You feed them from the abundance of Your own house,

Letting them drink from the rivers of Your delight.

For You are the fountain of life, 

the Light by which we see."  Psalm 36:5-9

Isn't it incredible that when we see clouds, God's faithfulness reaches beyond them?  Isn't it amazing that when I don't know where I'm going to put another child or how we're going to feed another mouth or what in the world God was thinking when, through all our efforts to keep from this, the Fountain of Life granted us yet another life and gives us shelter in the shadow of His wings, and feeds us from the abundance of His own house, and lets us drink from the rivers of His delight?!  I am in awe of the unfailing love of my God.

I must say, I was initially in shock.  Not devastated, at the deepest level, but definitely reeling.  Another baby?  Are you serious?  Long ago, I thought it was a great plan to have all of my children before I turned 30 (I'll be 29 the end of this month).  Now, I realize, not only does that require extreme amounts of energy and who knows how many pots of coffee, but it will also require us to do something permanent after this baby comes to avoid our own reality TV show when I'm 42 and pregnant with our 19th child!  That's another big decision - not really thinking about that yet.  However, Suzanna Wesley and Mrs. Duggar are in a category of their own.  Not planning on joining them. :)  Beyond that crazy stream of thought, God is so good to grant us this baby, whom my sons are determined to name Deuteronomy, aka Dude.

In other news, Alayna is 15 months  old and so much fun.  She says new words every day, loves shoes and wants all 7 of her blankeys at the same time.  She loves talking on the phone and playing with her babies, and building spaceships and playing cars - we call that well-balanced.

She loves sitting in this chair.  She usually gets as many toys as she can hold in her arms and then sits down.  She's a hoarder.  :)  Now that she's walking she likes to kick the ball.  Hudson is playing soccer this year, so she's learning a lot from her big brother.  

The poor thing has been blessed with my cheeks, but we love them.  She may not love them so much when she's 14.  ;)

And this is the little guy we found playing on our playground in the back yard.  He makes a great science lesson/craft for this week!  We watched him for a really long time.  One of our favorite babysitters gave the boys bug-eye masks.  As soon as we saw the praying mantis outside they went and got their masks on.  More pictures to come!

They Brighten My Day

A real smile - I love it!

My gorgeous boy, but don't tell him I said so.  Cool and awesome are about the only adjectives we can use to describe Pierce ... and big, not little :)

The giant baby's on the loose.  Alayna with the Bubba-teeth pacifier was a terrifying thing for the boys!

They fell asleep holding hands.

They love each other. 

I drove David to the airport this week for a wedding in South Carolina.  I prayed for him on the way after he said to me, "I'm sorry sweetie.  I just want to be well.  I just want to be normal.  I'm tired of this too."  I prayed the truth that I believe.  But tonight, I'm tired and can't keep back tears.  I just want health and normal too, and I'm so tired.  Being tired makes life feel impossible.  Chronic Fatigue is the new "diagnosis" for David (don't all mom's have that too?).

So, truth check:  God's will is perfect.  He loves us and works EVERYTHING together for our good.

And this is what I read today:

"Trust me in the midst of a messy day.  Your inner calm--your Peace in My Presence--need not be shaken by what is going on around you.  Though you live in this temporal world, your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity.  When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you.  Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances can not touch My Peace.

"Seek My face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective.  Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid.  The Peace I give is sufficient for you." --Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

John 16:33; Psalm 105:4; John 14:27

The Prince of Peace gave His life for me, that I may have the kind of peace that circumstances cannot touch. 

Prayer

Men at work

Fresh haircuts
who doesn't love a juicy nectarine - and THOSE EYES!!!

As with most "trials", my prayer life has been strengthened.  I was rummaging through my sisters old closet one day in search of lost treasure when I came across The Papa Prayer by Larry Crabb.  I've been exposed to every formula and gimmick when it comes to prayer.  Pray this way, use this acrostic, say these magic words and all your dreams will come true.  Another book on prayer.  It took me a while to get into it, timing is everything when it comes to books.  For example: I read biographies on Holocaust survivors and islamic women - that straightened out my contentment issues ... for a while.  God uses books and stories of others' lives to impact our own.

Anyway, David and I have been praying constantly.  I know others have been praying for us.  And yet, the headaches and muscle aches and numbness and overall pain & discomfort continue for him.  Worse are the plagues of "what if" that sometimes overwhelm him.  We always go back to TRUTH - we know that fear is not of God, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind."  I'm exhausted with this situation.   I can't see the forest for the trees.  And prayer ... does God really answer prayer?  Then another wave of fatigue hits David just as the kids start fighting or someone needs their bottom wiped or someone falls and hurts themselves and I have to keep myself from getting angry.  I'm finding that I need to be cautious of placing my satisfaction as the measure of what is right, because if I'm not comfortable, well-rested and happy - look out!

Would I hope in His mercy if I had no needs?  Would my longing soul be satisfied in Him if there were no longing to begin with?  Would my hunger and thirst be filled with goodness if I had no hunger pangs or parched throat? Of course not.  But I want the formula for whatever prayer it takes to make these things go away.  I want something that puts me in control and gives me the power to make things happen.  I want to pray in the name of Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit and wah-la!  It's all better!  So the spotlight shines on my own pride and spirit of entitlement and I realize how strongly I don't want God's kingdom to come if it interferes with the arrival of my own.

Stepping back to look at the big picture:  I deserve nothing.  Every breath is a gift.  Then I see my emptiness ... and Christ's sufficiency.  I'm beginning to understand that it's more important to get God than to get things from God.

 "It pleased the Father to bruise Him."  Isaiah 53:10 

The Storm

A storm came through that blew my metal lawn furniture to the fence.  A good analogy for my life right now.  Things that are supposed to be intact and secure and stay put, have been blown to the fence.  Let me back track.

I took David to the emergency room Monday night with heart attack symptoms.  He's something of a hypochondriac that I rarely take to seriously (I don't get good-wife points for that).  But the pale sweaty face and hand on his chest made me a little nervous.  After a gamut of tests at Bailey Hospital with an abnormality in his stress test, he was transferred to Hilcrest for an angiogram that came back clear.   Over a three day period I shuttled my children around from my parents house to a friend's house and tried to keep things somewhat normal and fun, all the while waiting to see what was wrong with my husband.  The verdict came back:  You're stressed and you need to exercise.  However, since being home his blood pressure has remained elevated, he's had a constant migraine (those don't sit well with small children) and nausea.  I thought a man with a cold was a handful - this is a whole new ball game.  I'm having to work really hard on the compassion/patience part of this.  Fatigue is not my friend.

In other news, Alayna is not interested in weaning anytime soon and she will probably make a great ball player someday.  She's developing quite the arm throwing every sippy cup and bottle that comes her way.  I've never had a child like this.  Don't get me wrong, I'm  all about nursing.  I would just love to go out for more that 3 hours at a time.  I think that's reasonable :)

I taught my aerobics class last night on the BOSU.  I had people walk out!  That's never happened to me before.  I LOVE the BOSU - I must be one of the few.  It was hard - my muscles were burning.  But that's a GOOD thing.  If that doesn't happen I feel cheated out of a good workout.  

Last thought for this post - can you continue to live life in peace and joy despite your circumstances?  For example, with a truly sick husband that needs extra care, three small children that depend fully upon you, all responsibilities on your shoulders because the other adult in the house really can't handle it right now, and growing fatigue - with all that, can you maintain peace and joy and hope?  The answer is yes.  I realize my situation is minuscule compared to many.  My stress over the last four days has been another's life story.  I am in no way an expert on going through trials.  But, as I go through this one, when the lawn furniture is at the fence, my house still stands strong.  

Lord, I am so glad that You are in control, that You have orchestrated this day and it is beautiful in Your sight.  My heart is at peace because You are good, because Your purposes are good, and because when all is said and done Your glory will prevail and Your name will be praised.

There are many ways to get through a day.  One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet.  This will get you to the end of the day, eventually, but there is a better way.  Lean on the ONE whose strength never fails, Who never falters with fatigue, Whose way is easy and Whose burden is light.  HE LOVES US!  Oh how He loves us.  Purpose in the midst of the storm to "Give thanks in all things, for this is the will of God."  

It's just a formality

"What's a formality?"  Explain that one without using more big words!  

"Does Spiderman love God?"

"Did God make the Romans and Philistines special too?"  We were reading a story about how special and loved we are by God and our families - a Max Lucado special.  Why does a little brain immediately go too Romans and Philistines?!  I explained that God did make them and that every person is special and unique, but sometimes they reject God.  "What happens when they reject God?"  Do we really have to go there already?!  I went all the way back to Satan rejecting God and wanting to be God and explained pride in 4-year-old terms.  Pierce was listening intently too.  That's why when we brag or when we act selfishly we get in trouble.  I didn't think it was necessary quite yet to explain Hades in detail.  

So, this morning Hudson got the blue bowl and Pierce got the green one - we take turns.  Hudson starts bragging in his little sing-song way, "I got the blue bowl.  I got the blue bowl."  I put my hand on his head, "Hudson, you are bragging.  Do you think that makes Pierce feel good or bad?"  He answered, "Bad ... I'm sorry Pierce.  Will you please forgive me."  Pierce always asks forgiveness too.  He hasn't quite figured that one out yet.  Then Pierce said, "We don't bwag (brag), and we don't wegect (reject) God, and we do NOT say poopy." !!  And mommy kept a straight face and said, "That's right, now eat your breakfast!"

I pray for wisdom and seek wisdom from the Word every day.  I never know what questions my little ones are going to throw at me and I am responsible for shaping and training their little hearts.  That's HUGE.

Fruit

This is the bookshelf I put back together every day at least once.  The giant baby is also sneaky.

The boys and me watching Bolt.  I'm obviously way into this movie or just really tired - probably both.

This is what boys do - he thought he was pretty funny.  I did too, so I took a picture ;)

My green-eyed big boy.

Ah, the giant baby sleeps.

Went to a Gracia Burnham conference last Saturday that my Women's Ministry at Discovery sponsored.  For those who don't know her, she and her husband were missionaries in the Philippines.  They were kidnapped and held hostage for a year by a terrorist group connected to  Al Qaeda.  On the day she was rescued her husband was shot and killed.  

The whole talk was incredible, but one thing that stood out to me was the woman she became through her affliction.  She said she was married to a great man, had three great children, they were missionaries who daily ministered and gave of themselves to others - and she thought she was a pretty great person.  After they were captured, they were constantly on the run through the jungles, always hungry and exhausted.   She had cried every day for eight months and lived in absolute misery (and she really did have every right, as far as man is concerned, to cry every day and be miserable) when she asked her husband, "Where is all the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc that I'm supposed to have?"  She was not liking the woman she saw once she was put in the fire.  His response to her was that those were gifts of the Spirit and that they should ask the Lord for those things.  So they began to pray and experience a great transformation of their own hearts.  They were able to see their captors as the lost young men that they were, and they were able to show love and compassion toward them and begin serving and ministering to them.

I was recently in my own small jungle when David was in the hospital.  When the pressure was on and the future was uncertain, I didn't like the woman that I saw in myself.  As I prayed this morning I began really asking the Lord for EVIDENT fruits of the Spirit in my life.  I've heard at least 100 times, "Don't pray for patience"!  But here I am.  I don't want affliction, I don't want jungles in any way, shape or form.  However ...

"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your Word ... It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn your statutes."  Psalm 119:67, 71