A little of fear

Admist all the anticipation, excitement and happiness of leaving in approximately 10 Saturdays, I harbour a tiny irrational fear in my gut and it is horrible despite the size.

Am I jeopardizing a life that could have worked out for me? Will I be returning to a place, to people I no longer can recognise not because they have changed but because I am different?

Ok, that makes up three tiny irrational fears, not one.

But any-oh-hows, I believe everything happened for a reason, and everything happens for a reason. Most importantly, everything You have planned out for me is flawless.

Working Life

This week was a truly exhausting, and frustrating week. I came close to tears so many times because of so many worthless policyholders. You all are in my book of people I don't wanna grow old into.

Sometimes I don't know if the money justifies the anger at all because I am angry 8 hours a day, Mondays to Fridays. And it feels feels horrible.

People give and credit themselves for their worst sides too much. If you really know how terrible you are, you won't just be paying us lip service.

Dear December, you have been missed♡

Pre-Departure Worry #1

I pray for the perfect house in Brisbane, QLD, that would suit ALL three of our needs to a T. In Jesus' name I pray, I ask, and I receive,

Amen.

If I can only see You as my perfect solution, then You are no doubt gonna bring me to The Answer. No worries.

Hello

I am alive!!! *waves*

15 weekends left to go!!! *nervous*

About money

Holding the bank draft my mom bought for me this afternoon and feeling...

Angry.

Angry because I haven't tried hard enough or performed as well as I am supposed to, and I am able to. Angry because education is so very important but it has never occurred to me like it is at this moment, that KNOWLEDGE SHOULD BE FREE OF CHARGE. (Not a $11k DEPOSIT) Angry because my country is not big enough to fit more Universities, angry because I deserve it, I really really do, I deserve a place in the local Us because I was groomed for it as long as I can remember.

Angry because I do not have a choice.

But on a much lighter note,

AUSTRALIA, HERE WE COME!

Post-driving thoughts

Where love exists, there isn't pride. When pride is apparent, there can't be love.

Therefore when you love, you love with no defences, with no fortified walls, with all your cards laid on the table. And you are not just coming face to face with your monsters, but also learning how to accept what's on the flipside of the coin.

Cos you are, by far my favourite. And I hope I am by far your favourite too. Dooodoooodooo~♪

25th August

It has been really long since the last time I have seen death hit so close. This time, it happened to a friend.

I always have such people in my life, the kinds you know by name, occasionally say hi/bye to. Our lives run on permanent parallel lines, but when people ask if I know so and so, I would say yeah, I do. You were such a person to me.

But you were also the person who surprised me with your tenderness and sensitivity when I was in one of my dullest periods. That single 2-hour conversation, how you pushed me to make a decision, how you told me all the truths that people around me haven't dared to say because it would break my heart. I might not have known you as well as the word 'friend' would suggest, but in that split second when my life went off-track and barreled into yours, you taught me the value of telling the truth, even when it hurts every single part of my existence. And I think I have thanked you for it, but I will do it once more, thank you.

This reminds me of a blog I read a long time ago, about a lady who was battling Stage 4 cancer. And in regards to the people who told her how much they were going to miss having her around, she told them,

You're only missing one of me. But I am missing ALL of you.

Rest in peace, Isaac.

skin deep

Yes, I am pro-PS. I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to change how you want to look and as long as you don't lie about it (but neither do you have to be open about it), you are fine, you get to keep your values and also earn some confidence. Just...don't be a scum bag when you are already gorgeous with the feature(s) I want, and yet you still choose to alter it. If there are 18 levels of superficiality like in hell, then you are in the 19th level. Very thin line right there, because everyone has different perceptions of beauty. But lets say, ahem, you've already almost won a beauty contest, but you choose to go for it all the same, then 20th level.

Secondly, if you have it, you won't understand it, therefore you cannot judge. I think I have blogged about this quite some time ago, but you are obviously, evidently, quite happy with yourself at some high levels that I am not at if you are against PS. It varies, others do it for values, some for beliefs. However, because you do not NOT have it, you will never understand the pains of not having it. Don't be self-righteous. Don't preach. Don't tell me what is right/wrong because there isn't any black/white here.  It's a mass of grey so don't turn it into something it isn't.

The world is, on the whole, unfair. But on some levels, I am able to make peace with myself. And I will.

Something touched a raw nerve tonight, I guess. I think it was the beauty queen's instagram. Or blog. Or whichever. 

Loss (Not really)

Today I wanna write about loss.

No, nothing dramatic is happening in my life, but just a while ago at 0130h, I found something that I have been looking around on/off/occasionally for the past x years. And at that moment as I stared at what I have been searching/googling for, I sincerely felt the sense of loss in my life, 5 years late, but yes, I feel it.
And I feel it even more so for the person who lost it. AND some more on top of that because the person is aware of what he/she had lost.

As I read through revelations and moments of what I have been looking for, I asked myself a few questions, which then turned into a train of thoughts. How do I know what I need in my life right now, would still be relevant in years to come? How come some people get the hang of it so fast, and how come there are late bloomers who just blindly walk into walls year after year after year. Does it mean it is better to be the latter because you will know what it means to HAVE, rather than just observe. But what is the point of running into dead ends when you can walk right into where everyone wants to end up to be? So does it mean I lose my ability to treasure what I have in my life as compared to someone who is going to take years and even more tears?

Right now in my life, I am assured and have been reassured that I have made the best choice despite taking an abnormal amount of time to decide. I am not apologetic for it because things might be different if I made a different decision at the same period in time. Okay, too many recurring words.

So the point is, this post isn't really about loss, just the first paragraph, and then it evolves into my insecurities that so often hides themselves so carefully between the moments of happiness I feel.



I recognise I do have abundance in my life at the moment, and I pray for the moments to come too, and thank God for His favour in my life, really superabounding everywhere I can set my eyes upon, and even more in places I dare not look at.

Goodnight, this post is a disaster but I really could care less tonight. Meh heh heh ^^

Certainty?

The thing I am most certain about right now is this bowl of soup in front of me. The familiarity it gives me makes me wanna hold on to it with my life because my life seems to be a huge question mark these days.

Heehee

After hot yoga, in the shower room.
Why are we so abnormal. Hahahahaha.

And then #YOLOREVERSEBUNGEE in the evening, (very big picture below because it is one of the craziest things I have done so far.)

 G-Swing then G-Max. All within 40 minutes. I left G-Max feeling hungover. T.T Worth every single cent of the $50 we paid, however. ...I STILL FEEL THE EXHILARATION IN MY BONES WHEN I RECALL THE EXPERIENCE. Never felt this way about any of the rides I have taken in my whole life before. When I told my 20 year old self to try everything I haven't had the guts to, I really wasn't expecting such a...my-life-is-hanging-on-a-string-experience. Literally. *phew*

Ending the day with desserts. Taken with my USD99c camera. Hehehe.

Back in April 2012, the morning I turned 20th and was walking the streets of Taipei with my family, clearly remembered telling myself that this year will be a year of difference. Of "I will try." Of completion. Of remembrance because I have stepped into the first year of my twenties.

And...so far so good. :)
Knowing that I will always want to return to church is also another comforting thought that keeps me going. That I am still there. That I will be okay because who will be against me, when He is for me.

Goodnight folks, my blog looks so much better with a few pictures. Shall attempt keeping it that way.

Mid 2012, I think I lost a friend.

If you read what was written here while struggling with another bout of insomnia or plain out of nosiness or concern, which I would very much prefer,

Then let's just pretend I never said it.

Mid 2012, I think I lost a friend. Over a hasty and almost hateful remark he made about a certain genre of music, don't impose hatred on something you do not even have understanding of. And because I retaliated. Indirectly. Would that make it my fault or yours for behaving like a girl.

Woes

I have no idea what is breaking out my complexion, but I haven't seen my forehead in such a bad condition in a long, long time.

And I am in distress because I have no idea what to do.

I even spy a spot sprouting at the side of my face that I haven't seen spots growing before, even throughout puberty. It must be one of the products I am using, I guess. Gonna stop using the Biore Perfect White Sunblock and the ZA Amino Mineral Gel and return to just solely toning and the applying of my the old sunblock which I thought was causing me skin trouble. -.- THIS, is complexion SOS. Seriously.

Sigh. Report back in a week's time. Cutting myself off all fried food, and on to 8 cups of water a day, at least, till I see significant improvement.

baby good night

my favourite TOP performance *u* I think there was even a time in the past where I could memorize the rap. Hahaha. Goodnight!

Insomnia

Having a sudden bout/onset of insomnia.

My life is going on, you can finally say, smoothly at the moment. I have received all three offers into the Australian Universities that I applied for, HKU probably used my application as scrap paper but its okay, I understand, coming from the best U in Asia, how could they accept any lesser than I am lacking in already? Hahaha.

So I guess you could say that even smooth-sailing doesn't mean you get to rest your head on the pillow and then expect to fall asleep.

Actually, you know what, I am feeling tired. Think I can expect to fall asleep now. Heh.

Goodnight.

This picture is gorgeous. Or maybe her legs are what made it gorgeous, otherwise it is still beautiful.

Snippets

This song makes me wanna dance *toothy grin*

(I just had a badly baked banana cake, therefore I shall end this post abruptly. BANANANGST.)

I'd go along with someone like you

My body clock has adjusted itself to a ~9am morning and it doesn't matter what time I sleep the night before.

Just thought I should write it down, this has never happened to me before, hahahaha.

Bum dee dee bum and we don't care about the young folks, talkin' 'bout the young style. and we don't care about the old folks, talkin' 'bout the old style too.
and we don't care about their own faults, talkin' 'bout our own style.
all we care 'bout is talking,

talking only me and you.

Mmhmm

Nowadays, I can never

1) Stay angry
2) Want my way
3) Be unreasonable
4) Throw bitch fits
5) Embrace insecurities and inferiority complexes

without feeling the weight of fear in my heart. And mannnnn, it weighs a ton. (´･_･`)

But I do it anyway, I do it because I naively want to know if you are gonna want me and need me and adore me all the same.

Also, a few random pictures~* (=^ェ^=)

Hair

“with short hair you begin to crave pearl necklaces, long earrings, and a variety of sunglasses. and you brush your teeth more often. short hair removes obvious femininity and replaces it with style. when it starts growing out a little and losing its style, you have to wear sunglasses until you can get it to the hairdresser. that’s why you need a variety. short hair makes you aware of subtraction as style. you can no longer wear puffed sleeves or ruffles; the neat is suddenly preferable to the fussy. you eye the tweezers instead of the blusher. what else can you take away? you can’t hide behind short hair… you may look a little androgynous, a little unfinished, a little bare… but your face is no longer a flat screen surrounded by a curtain: the world sees you in three dimensions.”

- joan juliet buck for american vogue, c.1988 (via the political quotidian)

Cause some days stay gold forever

You know when an old song sounds ever so new and good to your ears?

Love is Not a Saturated Image <- Not well-written like her blog is, the whole piece feels very detached...however...

"Do we have an inherent yearning for a death wish? Or is there a dark, twisted desire to get our hearts trampled on by people who keep us coming back for more, but never have anything to give?"

"We become so familiar with breaking our own heart that we subconsciously shut out any form of happiness that tries to mess with our comfort zone; we don’t know how to navigate the terrains of pure bliss because it is foreign territory; or we convince ourselves that we are satisfied in our perpetual morose state because pain is what we know, when what we really need to realise is that sometimes, it is the ones we know best that have the power to hurt us the worst."

And because I love ThoughtCatalog even though many people dub it as literacy trash, I LOVE LITERACY TRASH THEN-> Three Cheers for Boring Love

 "And yet, once we’ve been welcomed into the club and have found someone with whom we can be fully and utterly ourselves, with whom we share everything, with whom life is simply good — we take it for granted. ... It’s as though our brains can’t comprehend that something can simply work, and that happiness is not just a wisp of smoke we’re meant to perpetually chase and never attain."

" I want to hear about the thrill of the safe, the glowing feeling that consume us if we only stop to consider how magical and how precious it is — someone loves us for who we are, in all our forms, at every time of day. Someone wants to be there for us when it isn’t easy, when it isn’t convenient, and when the electricity of the new has worn off."

Used to bookmark HUNDREDS of articles that I loved reading over and over in my free time but ever since my laptop kinda crashed and died, and still doing so every 30 minutes when I switch it on, I think it might be a wiser choice to start posting this articles somewhere reliable, and where else is better than here.

Fell asleep around 8++pm just now and my sister woke me up at 12am because she thought something happened to me when she shook me hard and I didn't even stir. *-__-* Now I can't go back to sleep...and I am feeling bored. Wanted to start a movie by Natalie Portman but I think I really won't be able to sleep after because its supposed to be a 'heavy' movie, whatever that means.

Accidentally deleted my graduation photos from my SD Card while my mum was asking me something before I fell asleep. Zzzz. So for future references, you can download Pandora File Recovery. Got all my pictures back TuT

Haven't wrote so much without processing any of it in a long time. Hehe. Feels reaaaaaal good, therefore I shall go to bed now. Ciao~*

Graduation

Trying to sum 3 years up into words is a very difficult, very tedious, almost impossible task. So I will not try. But God, thank You for the three years, I wouldn't have it any other way, because I am who I am today, I met the people whom I have met, I have laughed, I have cried, I have made so much memories worth revisiting over and over because of these three precious, wonderful, God-sent years. Yes, it wasn't an easy route, it isn't easy even after it is over, but gosh, I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you, Temasek Polytechnic. You are always going to be a place I will call home.

Kinda lazy to upload the pictures onto FB since I didn't bring Russ out for grad, so I will just post a few up, the rest can be viewed on other people's albums hahahahaha. *lazy me*

Happy graduation, all :)
Tioman in 3 days!!!!!!

Growing up, again

知人知面不知心。
你究竟到底真正认识你周围的人吗？或许你究竟到底几十才让你身边的人疼爱最原始的你？

突然间觉得自己对某些事和某些人感到好陌生。

心都来不及疼。

making lemonade

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

Currently waiting for life to hand me another type of fruit. Preferably something sweet, saccharine sweet. Something that I will be thankful for, like a super duper tasty durian from some another mountain unheard of, even better than mao shan wang ice cream from udders which is not possible but now it has to be. Something I will not just take, but also learn how to grow so I will always have such a delicious fruit in my life so I can make tons of delicious ice cream and never grow weary because ice cream makes the world goes round. (while love makes the ride worthwhile.)

If you know what I mean.

Hi

Found neglected playlists lurking in my iTunes that I haven't touched in months. How did I end up so sad, so angry, so dejected and so unreasonably mean to myself? *deletes playlists*

Have been working quite a lot, work has been really easy too. $.$ Hehe.

Hate how my life is just hanging in limbo, but love watching it fall into place when you're around. So morbidly cheesy-_- But it is really so incredibly easy to be around someone who is supposed to be very different from me.

On Perfection cr:graceyeoh

(a) Find someone who helps you love yourself. So that when you look yourself in the eye, instead of your too-big too-small unloved parts, you see a goddess. So that when your shimmer fades, he is able to make you glow again with a simple tuck of stray hair behind your ear. So that you will never have to fill the gaping holes in your heart with company you seek in the shadows of the night.

(b) Find someone that does not insist on fixing you, but instead is comfortable with holding your hand as you navigate the rubble of your mind with nothing but a broken compass. So that he embraces your burning coals of sadness in ways too painful for you to handle. So that he fights for your right to feel your pain, even if he might not completely understand it. So that you never have to feel ashamed of your epaulet of battle wounds.

Creep

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

lalala

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. 

J. D. Salinger

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel particularly tired. Where I sat down at the bus stop to rest my feet before I walked home and ended up staring into space for a good 15 minutes. But I am always thankful to the people I can return home to.

And I am always thankful for you. 

You and I

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. 

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Have't been to church in a few weeks now because I couldn't get away from UQ, and then I went to TW, and today I was just plain lazy/tired. Next week. I am craving for Your reassurance and Your voice. I am craving for a peaceful state of mind to face whatever that is coming my way because I am so much on my own and it's not enough, I know it's not enough. My edges are raw, my temper is short, and I am constantly worried and weary. Last night I even completed the whole 'my-future-is-bleak' package with a crazy nightmare, which I can't differentiate from reality, but it felt a lot like someone was pulling me on my limbs and spinning me in circles. I swore I opened my eyes, or maybe not, and tried screaming for the spinning to stop, but no matter how I tried, I couldn't speak.

Or maybe I am just tired.


Caught Wicked the Musical on Wednesday, also Day 0 of my very last Week 0. My first broadway musical and I really really enjoyed it, can't say that enough.
Resigned on Tuesday.
Celebrated my birthday on Monday and snipped my hair off on impulse but I am totally in love with the new cut.
Returned to Singapore from my 8-day escapade to Taipei with my family on Sunday. I should totally post some pictures up because we took really pretty ones? And it's also the last set of pictures with my long hair, doubt I will be growing it out anytime soon.

Ciao.

Last Camp

Energizer bunny song even at 2am and you have had less than 2 hours of sleep the night before and spent the whole day running up down left right.
iamgonnamissgoingforcampssomucheventhoughweeatcrapandsleeplikewedon'tneedsleep.

Wow.
Fantastic Baby.
~*dance*~

This is a very beautiful picture and I am absolutely enchanted by the beauty of it.

Credits to LightedPixies

Best

How would you define a best friend. The person who knows you best, the person who knows you better than you know yourself, the person who would take all your shit without even thinking its shit, the person who will listen to you harp on the same topic a million times over and still come up with different advice each of these million times. Or the person who would sit in quiet simple silence with you, your actions in synch from the way you type on your phones, to the way you look up at each other in knowing that this comfortable silence doesn't come easy, and even though you might not have talked to each other out of spite, out of life, for more than half a year, its always so easy to fall back into their ways because they are the paths you can walk with your eyes closed and know for sure you will always be safe and sound. Or maybe they are the people who have spent the longest time in your life, 3 years, 8 years, your whole life, when so many others choose to leave.

我的公主病这次犯得太严重了吗?

20

Turned 20 rather happily in Taipei. And I am craving for a change.

Happy birthday, me. You are gonna be who you want to be.

and this feels like the very first time

Votre Couleur 2012

My last dinner and dance as a student of Temasek Polytechnic.

I don't know how to put it into words. How much I will miss the place, the people, the spirit, my friends. 

Is it even possible that three years have already came and left us in such a hurry?

just life

I don't know when I stopped being optimistic about what I already have, when I started reading too hard between the lines, over-analyzing every single situation I am in, but I know that its making me worry more than should.

Never was the one who wished I could grow up faster. When I turned 16 I wanted to remain 16 forever. When I approached 18, I wish I could stay 17. When I was 18, I had no intentions of wanting to be 19. And now that I am 19 and am less than 1 month to turning 20, I try so hard to freeze every single moment left of being a teenager. I try hard to keep those close, closer. I try not to let the future make me go crazy in the apprehension of changes, distance and especially the unknown. I try my best not to give up on my work because I have already learned immensely from them and it would be a waste to give up. I try my best I try my best I try my best balancing my whole 19+++ years of wisdom on the tip of my tongue so I will always be intelligent enough for certain people in my life. I try my best to be a better person for you because you are who you are for me, and at this moment I think it is very perfect and I wouldn't dare ask for more.

But it is so tiring when I try my best and things still don't go my way, people expect me to love them for who they are when they cannot accept me for who I am EVEN when I try to be a better person just for them but they never do seem to do the same for me because, lol the irony, I am supposed to love them for who they are.

I wish I could just sleep and wake up to a brand new slate tomorrow morning, every night. And relish in doing simple things like sitting at a bus stop after catching the last bus, watching the headlights of cars go past. Watching so hard I would be staring at the obs of lights. Staring so hard the circle of lights turn into a glow. And if I don't blink, these glows would stay in my eyes no matter where I turn my head to and making me very afraid till the next time I blink, I might never see them as anything else again. Simple things like this.

I have more than 600 photos to sieve and edit. Simple things like this too.

Should I put my photos up on my blog first because if you are still reading this, you deserve to see them first? Simple things like that.

Opening my inbox and finding some thing like this:

Simple things.

Closing

Thank You for these three very very very blessed years in TP. It wasn't smooth sailing all the time but I have with me encounters and memories with the best people, experiences and moments irreplaceable, and if I were given a chance again to choose, I am gonna walk this path still.

I think its appropriate to say this now even though I am still about 3 months from the official thing... 我毕业了！

You make me feel like

learning

I think I have really pretty friends :) 

Was looking through some old pictures the other day and...I used to be so skinny. Especially my legs, gosh would die to have those legs again. What happened :( I think the only thing that's keeping me from being obsessed is my final year exams. Really wanna swim. 30 laps, 40 laps, as long as it takes for me to walk out feeling better about myself. But just to clarify before someone thinks I am gonna develop an eating disorder again...I DO see the weight falling off my arms and shoulders, off my ass and legs, thank goodness my boobs have been spared MOST of the misery so far, I SEE IT.........

But it still isn't good enough.


Learning to love myself is tough :<

meow

Happiness is a fat white kitty sitting on your lap asking for tummy rubs and then falling asleep because your legs are suddenly the most comfortable place on earth.
I am breeding a farm of fat white kitties asking for a home on laps and tummy rubs on demand.

Guess that means I am very happy? ^_^

Ok seriously need to continue studying for Accounting and Law.
~*Deut 28:13*~

Mountain

Was standing in the middle of Business School's concourse today but I am positive (what an irony) all I had in front of my eyes was a mountain. A really really really really really tall mountain, so tall I can't tell where it ends.

I don't wanna try anymore. So sick of trying so hard, sleeping so little, making so much effort, but all I see is a C+ for my coursework. (Will not talk about Accounting) I shouldn't even get it in the first place, I deserve a B and I am gonna fight for it but honestly, I don't see how I am gonna be able to do it. Wanted to pull my GPA further by just 0.5 this semester but...

Rather than saying I can't do it, other than simply complaining about my efforts not being reflected on the results,... I am going to believe I can do ANYTHING I want. And even if it means getting miraculously excellent grades, I am going to get it. 

Phil 4:13 till Feb 27th 1630h. Godspeed.

And a little something I found. C: Hope you guys all had a fantastic Valentine's. 

good morning,monday

at around 12pm, I would be handing in my last project as a TP student.
so many lasts this year. so many firsts too.

was flipping through my organizer and it has dawned on me several several times that my life in the first 6 months will look drastically different from the bottom half of the year. everything is so...uncertain. yet i am gonna walk peacefully in my faith that it's gonna work out for me. good morning, monday.

Before the earth’s creation You knew me as I was and even then You chose me to be Yours. I am captivated by Your unending love, my heart’s surrendered to Your grace.

I am Your treasure, the apple of Your eye, forever I am precious in Your sight. Never will You leave me; I’m safe and secure. Forever in Your arms I will abide.

to have and to cherish

~*magical*~
Forever smitten with this wedding. Happy sigh.

Cheer

Can't remember why I stopped Cheerleading when it was one thing in my life I was accidentally excelling at, and I think with actual practice and time, I could have became a great cheerleader. Flying, basing, mid-tiering. This is ONE regret I will always hold close to my heart as I leave TP.

It was one thing that I was actually seriously passionate about even when it took up all my energy to make it to trainings after a whole day of school, THRICE a week, and all my tears when we do conditioning, the $^$&#*@ pain to be able to do splits.
I miss doing kicks, stunting, tumbling, dancing, and of course, standing one man's height above ground and then freefalling into the arms of people you have no idea why you trust,but you KNOW that they will catch when you're falling. And being able to be that sturdy 'ground' for others even when they bruise your shoulders and are forever not locking themselves tighter than tight.

Wrong place wrong time I guess?
But other than just blaming it on the kinda environment I was unfortunately placed in, I rather spend it wishing I have had another chance to live this dream again.

I miss cheerleading so so so so much, so much it's kinda hard to explain what it does to me when I think of not being able to do it ever again. Impossibly sad :(

despite it all

1130am - 1130pm on Wednesday 12h

1200pm - 0130am on Thursday 13.5h

0010am - 0300am on Friday 17h

0200pm - 0630am on Saturday 16.5h
0300pm - 1100am on Sunday 20h

I have the BEST group mates one can ever ask for. 

Last presentation of my whole 3 years done in 20minutes on the 6th of February 2012. Such an insignificant date but so important to me all the same because I am going through all the notions of being a TP student for the last time.

:(

Yeah, not so happy to leave though I can't be happier to graduate. Give me a second chance and I will not hesitate to choose this route again. But of course I will walk it better. Much better.

Have been noticing for a really long time now that some people have simply vanished from my life. I am not great at keeping up at relationships, but when I said I will be here for you, I meant it. And even if I am not the friend you expect a friend to be, it doesn't mean I don't be a friend to the best of my ability. *shrugs*

Wanna watch Wicked soooooooooooo bad. But everyone I asked aren't willing to pay for the better seats? :( Sigh. Artsy-person-wannabe fail.

W

I hate when I can't find pictures of you but when I do, something inside of me goes a little off track.

I have missed 27th Jan again, probably busy doing another pointless point in life that I have to go through.

How have you been this past 5 years, angel?

How old is your soul?

I remember who gave me my first Jason Mraz song. Wordplay.
I love this voice and I can't say it enough. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice. I love Jason Mraz's voice.

I love Jason Mraz's voice.
I love Jason Mraz.
 

Caffeine

I think I have had too much caffeine in the past...48hours. My stomach is feeling funny and my head feels...hungover. Mild hangover? Ah...something like that. Doesn't feel that great whatever this is.

Found the courage and the motivation to go search/apply for possible Universities this week and...my mother, who was the only supportive one suddenly decided to drop less than motivational, almost critical, demands on me.

On days like these, I feel like giving up and just settle for SIM/UOL/RMIT/whatever else there is left.

"Are you going to try local Us? You have to try, if you don't even try I am not going to let you go overseas blah blah blah blah blah."

But it isn't like you don't know how unqualified I am for local Us. And will those rejection letters make you feel better about me not living up to your expectations, nor will I feel good receiving them? Some days, or rather for the past 3 years, I don't feel like I am the girl who graduated with straight As and a single digit on her GCE OLevels' certificate. I admit, I didn't try hard enough for the first 3 semesters. And that was all it took to leave me struggling so hard even to stay above the surface of the water now. Or should I say I am still underwater, and I am fighting for that one gasp. So close, yet so far. I can't change it. I try, but the changes are really...insignificant right now to the bars you have set for me.

And after being bred and nurtured in environments that have opened so many doors to brighter higher places, I know where I stand right now and I don't feel good here. I see the universities I want to go to and there's no where I can get there because I am tied to the ground with my grades from the first three semesters. Growing up in a high-achieving, all-rounded, almost-elitist family also meant that no one could have taught me what to expect. Yes, talking about "staying discipline" is easy. Too easy.

So here I am, on my knees, with nothing to offer, not much more that I can do to change what's already been carved in stone, and I am asking You to lift me up, hold me up, carry me, I don't know just anywhere beats sitting fallen and beaten on the ground. I can't stand being a failure and a disappointment in my mother's eyes, in my family's eyes, anymore.

:'(((((((

Where is my light at the end of the tunnel right now? I have no idea.

Last 29 days of school. I have no time to weep about this. I have to face it. Only when I face it then am I able to make it better. You can do this, Zhijun. You're better than this setback. You can do this.
<<Phil 4:13>> I can do ALL things.

Just

having a bad day in general. I would like to believe that I am a happy person and nothing ever gets me too down for too long, but when you are back at home with your books and the silence...ok no silence my house is never silent even in the dead of the night because of the expressway...

Its just an uneasy weight on my shoulders. Its not easy to carry anything nowadays. I love the feeling of floating between the clouds.

Tomorrow will be okay.

Skin Deep

I realised that ALOT of girls put in ALOT of effort to making sure they look good before they leave the house. I am never a person to do that because 1. I'm lazy. 2. Removing make up is troublesome. 3. I'm just plain lazy.

世界上没有丑女人，只有懒女人。

Beauty is what's on the inside, yes. But I guess 爱美无罪?

I have a healthy excuse to buy makeup now teehee^_^

Email

I think everyone has a soft spot for someone. Someones. And that someone might not be the best someone in the world, incredibly flawed, knows you too well; inside out, but there's nothing you want more than this person to be happy.

V and I discussed this before and she said something really true. You can forget what a person is like, you can forget how their voices ring and make you laugh when they laugh, the jokes they crack, what they dislike in their burgers, what they like to go along with their popcorn, but you can never, ever, forget the way they make you feel. And that, you will always carry it in you.

Now sue me for saying this, I am a little emotional today from the studying I have been doing since 11am, but I miss being friends with you.

Just like her, I wanna be pretty

\
Starts from 1:01

Today was fine until I came home to my laptop soaked in water and various important things on my table were drenched/water-stained.
I don't know what is more tiring and frustrating? Life in general, why I am not getting the things I want, achieving the goals I want to, going places like I promised myself, dreaming big like that pastor told me to because it's all supposed to come true, getting straight As like I told my mother I would, whether or not any universities would want me, should I stay in Singapore or go overseas, will I ever stop flying so high in the clouds, can I ever grow up safely and see myself in 10 years as someone my age would YEARN to be,

or people.

5th last week of school. Bang.

-At 4:15am-
So gonna wake up with swollen eyes tomorrow. Crazy world.

walking on sunshine

I'm feeling sexy and free 

Like glitter's raining on me

I think I am about to be screwed through and through by MA2 this semester again. And as much as I know I will be okay at the end, the process really really really really sucks. It's just numbers, why make it so illogical. Like it will ever be like that in real life?

Just a few pictures from Bunny.

Finally got down to making V's CHRISTMAS gift. I know right.
But the point is....IT IS REALLY PRETTY AND I REALLY LIKE IT AND SHE LIKES IT AND EVERYONE LIKES IT!
YAYNESS!^-^

Tumbler: Starbucks
Materials: Papermarket

TEEHEEHEE.
This picture is amusing but its kinda embarrassing to blow it up as big as the rest so it shall remain tiny.

And yeah that's what I kinda did when I was alone at home in the afternoon. 

EROHWMAC HEEHEE.

Tomorrow is the day!!!!! I am really excited and at the same time, I don't know...Kinda apprehensive?

Update again about what it is. Soonish.
tata xx