Where to start ... in a little over an hour, I will be 17 weeks pregnant. I have been feeling small amounts of fluttering from Jurgen for several weeks now and this past week they have turned into definite movements - not regular yet but there.
I am completely in love. Any idea I had that I might remain detached was a falsehood. I adore this little one, just as I adored each of his or her brother and sisters. I have survived (am surviving - I don't know when it gets to be past tense) babyloss once, I don't know how I would do it again. I am just hoping and hoping that I don't have to.
I have never had a distressing ultrasound. Emma died 7 minutes (7 stupid, tiny minutes) before I pushed her into this world so the first we knew of our descent into hell was the paediatrician turning away from her and saying "I'm sorry". Those sickening words. So, I shouldn't fear ultrasounds, right? Except losing Emma has brought me into a world where babies die at every possible gestation - and beyond. And losing one child does not exempt you from the possibility of losing another to completely random and different circumstances. So, as my "big" scan approaches I can feel myself tensing. I try to shrug it off. I try to focus on now. I cannot change anything that is happening within me. I simply have to surrender to it happening and love my baby with everything I have ... and I do. Sometimes I dare to hope. As one of my fellow posters on MDC said of her own new pregnancy, "Being hopeful is brave. Be brave."
I do manage sometimes. I dreamed I was holding a little dark haired newborn boy with startlingly blue eyes. I try to hold onto that dream. I bought a pair of maternity jeans today and a journal with enough space to include not only my diary of the pregnancy but of milestones beyond. I looked at the newborn clothes too but didn't buy - I'm not there yet. We've discussed names - since D. is the one who christened Jurgen, you can see why we might need to start the conversation for "real" names somewhat early. We've debated whether to find out Jurgen's gender or have a surprise (still undecided). Yet, it all feels a little bit surreal and "naughty" as if I shouldn't be doing those things.
At 14 weeks, my Obstetrician asked me if I was feeling anymore reassured yet after three "good" first trimester scans. He seemed surprised when I said that I wasn't. I was surprised he expected me to feel reassurance at any point in this pregnancy. I will never reach a safe milestone. Emma died at 40 weeks, this baby will come at 38 weeks. He or she will need to be in my arms before I can tell my OB I feel reassured and even then ...
All I can do is love and hope and be brave.
13 comments:
Congratulations on the 17 week mark. How wonderful that you are feeling so much love for your little one. I hope the next few months go by so very very uneventfully until you have your little one in your arms. Being hopeful IS being brave. b
I hope the time goes by as fast as it has for me Jill! You are right.. the only safe point is when they are out and alive in our arms.. then I wonder if the worry will end there? I doubt it. All we can do is love our rainbows like this is all the time we have with them.. and yes, being hopeful is indeed being brave!! I'm glad we all get the chance to be brave again together!! :)
I'm glad things are going so well. Pregnancy after a loss is always scary. Every moment is scary. You're right ... all you can do is love and hope and be brave.
i saw that in the TTC thread too. what a beautiful thing to say.
i don't feel "qualified" to comment since i'm not pregnant after losing Matthew yet... but i have so much hope for you. i'm glad things are going so well with this baby. thinking lots of wonderful thoughts for you.
What a lovely dream. I'm sure that Jurgen already knows that (s)he is absolutely surrounded by love. In my mind, Jurgen is definitely a boy but I think that is just because of the name. And I also have a 100% wrong track record at guessing a baby's sex :(
I don't know but I suspect that I will feel the same if I ever fall pregnant again, that there is no reassurance to be had.
Keeping loving and hoping and being brave. That is all that any of us can do. And we are hoping with you. xx
Yes, brave indeed. You can do this tho, you will do this. Every step you take gets you closer, one step at a time.
17 weeks already! Wow!
I have no idea when I'm supposed to feel relaxed or safe, having lost Hope nearly a week past her due date. Like everyone says though, I just need to be positive. Yeah right. I wish being positive could guarantee me that happy ending. Here for you all the way. This is so hard, but you've come so far already.
xo
I think I will feel more relaxed at about a month pp, when feeding is estabilished and we are on a growth curve. Either that or when Django leaves home and starts his own family! I wish we hadn't lost our innocence that babies do die. Hope, bravery and strength are all we have left now. But imagine what strong parents we're going to be after going through this time.
We're also struggling to find a replacement for Django. Boys names are so hard.
You are so, so brave. Thise 'naughty' conversations... I think they're essential in some ways. I can only speak for myself, but I tried so hard to think of those moments as less 'counting your chickens' and more 'if Moe dies then I will have relished the time he was here'. Of course it didn't stop the sickening worry, but in principle...
xxx
I'm right there with you, how can any of us truly ever feel reassured? Until I hear that little cry, and see those little eyes looking back into mine, I will constantly hold my breath. Thinking of you and little "Jurgen" today. Praying that God will rest His hand on your shoulders, at least for a little bit, so you don't have to carry the weight of the world alone. *hugs*
17 weeks! They must crawl by for you, but I can't believe it's been 17 weeks, it was like, just yesterday, that you announced your BFP! :)
I've passed on an Honest Scrap Award to you because your writing is always so touching and honest. You can check it out on my blog.
Hi Jill, I came over from Lachlan's Mom to see your story.
I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. It just doesn't make sense that Emma Faith died just before her birth. That is so sad. I am excited about your new little one and will pray for your comfort during this pregnancy.
Take care & God bless.
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