BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

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Jack in the Box: Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal with a side of Panko Onion rings!

If there's one thing Jack in the Box knows about, it's that sometimes, late at night, people find one reason or another to need to chow down on junk food.  Sometimes it's due to late night cravings after following a strict diet for weeks. Other times it's because you're on the way back from a night of partying and need a belly full of fried to soak up all that beer. Or, you just plain have the munchies, and in this wonderful state of Washington where some things are more legal than in other places, that can happen quite often. 

Not to mention this is Microsoft ground zero, and gamers need late night junk food more than possibly anyone on the planet. What other fuel can carry them into that 14th hour straight of Rocket League?

Very often in these times, the people searching for this food have a hard time making up their minds, so Jack in the Box made it easy for them. Munchie Meals. One box, loaded with everything you could possibly need to put that late night hunger beast at bay. Today we check out the Jack in the Box Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal!

So I hit up a local Jack in the Box, rolled up to their drive through window and ordered this box of insanity, but then I spied those Panko Onion rings I have heard so much about, so I got an order of those too. All in a days work. But what exactly is in this Late Night Munchie Meal?

First up, you get your fountain drink. It's from one of those fancy new machines where you can add flavors to every kind of soda pop you can think of. I'll never complain about those machines because they are a fat mans vision of the future. I can pop some vanilla in root beer and make it instantly better? Or some strawberry flavor in my Sprite? DONE DEAL. Then, you also get two tacos.

I'm going to be honest with you. When I unwrapped this taco I tried to tell myself that there might be some way that it's at least passable. That a taco made at Jack in the Box might somehow at least be halfway decent. It's not. They are so bad on every level. I strolled into this wanting to give a glowing review but the first thing I take out is just...bad. The shell is like a soggy wad of cardboard that someone threw some strange meat, a few strips of lettuce and a third of a bottle of hot sauce into.

I finished this first one. It was my duty as a food blogger. However, I will let you know, one bite into the second one it met it's untimely end by plunging into the trash can But then I helped myself to a few curly fries, which were actually really good despite being thrown into this box without any sort of packaging at all. There are regular fries mixed in there too and they were also great. Cooked just right. They refer to this mix-up as "Halfsie Fries." I approve because I do often find myself having a hard time deciding between the two.

Then there's the main event. The Sriracha Curly Fry Burger. A cheeseburger topped with curly fries and a creamy Sriracha sauce. The picture of it on the display promoting it made it look like it was no less than eight inches thick, with at least as many fries pouring out of it as there are inside the box around it. Real life, it was a little different looking...

The tacos brought me down. The fries brought me back up. One look at this sad little burger and I felt like the Munchie Meal may have failed me. But then I took a bite...

And I was reminded that I should never judge a book by it's cover. This burger was actually really tasty! The bun was really fresh and chewy and the fries on the burger were still hot and crispy. The cheese made a nice creamy layer between the Sriracha sauce and the fries, keeping them fresh for longer. Someone up there in Jack in the Box HQ was really thinking when they put this together.

The burger ended up being a good time. There were lots of flavors and textures coming together that I really enjoyed. Curly fries on a burger should become a normal thing. If I had to deal out one piece of advice to the folks at Jack in the Box, it would be to abandon the tacos completely. Not just in this Munchie Meal, but everywhere. Just stop it. They aren't good! Replace them with literally anything and this meal would instantly be better. Think about it? Two Tacos worth of chicken nuggets? How about just more fries? Maybe some sort of desert item? Anything. But. The. Tacos.

But I also had to try these Panko Onion rings. We had a couple of readers write to us and ask us to give them a try so I was all about it. Especially when I realized that I could dip them into a Die Hard themed bbq sauce! The verdict? They are spectacular.

No lie. I was quite impressed with these! Panko breading is always so good and if you've ever had panko onion rings at restaurant, you realize that it's a flawless pairing, and Jack in the Box didn't cut any corners with these. Did I need them with the Munchie Meal? Probably not, but they definitely left me happy after the taco fiasco and left me wanting to go back and get more!

In the end I would say the Munchie Meal is a great deal no matter what. For the price you get a ton of food. The Tacos might have been god awful, but the rest was fun, quick and solid. Lots of enjoyable flavors and textures that a mind looking for a "Munchie Meal" should find quite enjoyable. I give the Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal a B-.

Panko Onion Rings get an A. So damn good. But be careful if you let them get cold and then decide not to chew them much, it's like swallowing a saw blade covered in broken glass.

For more information on these and other Jack in the Box offerings, check out their website!  https://www.jackinthebox.com/

Review by Rich Brunelle, who currently lives in Seattle but only for a very, very short amount of time.

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Burger King Classic Grilled & Whopper hot dogs!

A dog is a man’s best friend. A hot dog is a hot man’s best friend. By the transitive property, hot dogs must be my best friends. But if I am what I eat, am I my own best friend?! Clearly not, as you’re supposed to treat your friends with love, and I apparently treat myself with the latest new Burger King offerings on a periodic basis. Sorry, BK, but you simply haven’t been making the cut for me lately.
I’m sure you’re aware (because I’m both the laziest and slowest review writer of the whole Fat Guy Food bunch), Burger King has hot dogs now, which I resent MERELY ON PRINCIPLE!! How can one claim to be the Burger King yet sell hot dogs? It’s almost an admittance that the hot dogs will be inferior to the burger. Otherwise, they’d be the Hot Dog King, which is a title I’ve already assumed and will fight to the death for. I’ve spent far too many sad, lonely nights in gas stations earning that title! I am truly the King of Wieners, any gas station attendant will tell you so. I’ve mastered every wiener in the Northeast! Come and get me, Burger King! But you best not bring a knife to this sword fight!
Well, now that I’ve burned through those stupid dick jokes, I’ll be straight up with you, my dear reader: hot dogs were once my favorite food. My dad has a poster I made in kindergarten called “About Me” that’s still shockingly accurate- favorite movie: Nightmare Before Christmas. Favorite Kanye Album: Yeezus. Favorite color: purple. Wait, nope, that one’s changed, it is now gray. But listed as my favorite food? Hot dogs. So when I realized this was my only option for a review I could write on the fly, and the subject material was a hot dog, I knew right then that the Burger King better bring it. Or else, I’d write a scathing review of that dog more savage than my last BK one. But why write a review on the fly? Because I’ve very conveniently got a Burger King that’s only 5 mins from my apartment! So, I trotted off on a short jaunt to the BK in Allston with hopes high and expectations low!

Oh. Oh dear.

Well apparently the word of my first BK review made it to the powers at be. Perhaps directly to his so-called Royal Majesty’s ears because this BK is clearly SHUTTERED BY ROYAL DECREE! Or possibly just going through a renovation. Either way this is awesome for me, because now to write this review I’ve already foolishly committed to, I had to trek to a spot 35 minutes from my real life work (according to Google). Thankfully, I managed to get there in 25, possibly because I’ve spent the better part of my life getting from Point A to Point B on my own two feet. So without further adieu, my review of the BK Classic Grilled Dog and the Whopper Dog!

First thing I noticed about these dogs is that they’re red. OK, you’re starting out with bonus points, BK. Red hot dogs are the only game in town in Maine, a state that I do not hail from but spent 4 years loafing about in, and I enjoyed my hot dogs to the max while I was there. But the second thing I noticed is what’s really going to put points on the board- the Classic Grilled Dog comes loaded with condiments. Ketchup, grilled onions, relish. Couldn’t have dressed it better myself! The dog itself was reminiscent of the elongated meat ovals of yore, which all things considered, is good. I can only imagine the process it would take to improve on that model. But, just like a key mistake made by the chefs of Charlie’s Kitchen in Cambridge , this classic could have been much improved by a grilled bun. No grilled bun, nothing to rave about. This is a slightly above average hot dog that’s only true merit is I didn’t have to dress it myself.
So, the only reason I ordered the Classic Grilled Dog was to serve as a comparison to the real subject of my review: the Whopper Dog! WOW! A hot dog in Whopper form. How long did it take the Executive Chef of Burger King’s test kitchens to fart out this idea? Did it take the length span of an average fart? Or maybe one of the seconds longer ones I occasionally have in the shower? We may never know.

BUT, WITH ANY STORY WORTH TELLING, HERE COMES THE TWIST. I LOVED THE WHOPPER DOG. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS! To be 100% honest with you, I can’t wait for the next time I lay eyes on a BK to order this scrumptious treat. What made it so great? It actually tasted just like a Whopper. The toppings and condiment scheme were the same- lettuce, mayonnaise, and all! I never realized that the composition of the Whopper is what made it a burger worth sometimes ordering. The same carries true to this hot dog. It blew its control group out of the water. I, as a “professional”  fast food reviewer, recommend this hot dog. Go get one! If you’ve ever had a Whopper before and enjoyed it, I have no doubt this will satiate you.

So, finally, the report card:
BURGER KING CLASSIC DOG: B. Like I said, bonus points for being red. And truly, this is a well-dressed dog. Just a simple grilled bun could’ve made this one an easy A.
BURGER KING WHOPPER DOG: FUCKING A+. IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS YOU CAN SHOVE MY HOT DOG WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, PAL. I’m writing this in Allston actually considering walking to Somerville to get another. Writing this review is actually making me hungry! But if it’s hot dogs that I crave, the local gas station isn’t going to do the trick. It simply must be the Whopper Dog, or NO DOGS ALLOWED!
I leave you on this note: All dogs go to heaven. Peace! –sl33zy

Review by sl33zy!

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The Burger King Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger!

Oh, Burger King. How the mighty have fallen. Back in the day, I remember only being able to make it a few days before devouring another delicious Stacker. I still remember its crispy bacon and creamy sauce like it was yesterday! It was like six years ago! But nowadays, the King is Dead. Long live the Queen (Wendy’s, obviously, this is not up for discussion). So the other night, Rich had posted about what I had interpreted to be a cheeseburger sub dipped in butter, served up by the deceased regent himself. I love butter and I love cheeseburger subs, so  I jumped on it! Because honestly, I want to love Burger King, I really do. They had the best marketing campaign of all time for a little while- a creepy King who scares you with cheeseburgers. Haha! You got me, King. Thanks for the burger. I’m gonna need my house key back tho. So, I really tried to like the Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger at Burger King, but it just sucked.

Yeah. It sucked. I could’ve bought two regular cheeseburgers for cheaper and just put them right next to each other. If you cut this burger in half, I think Burger King technically owes you money. What about the butter? Take out the “about the”. This shameful marketing technique had absolutely no butter whatsoever. I could’ve chewed on an empty milk carton and tasted more butter than this. Hell, I could’ve licked a seat at my local movie theater and tasted more butter! I could have a jar of air sent to me from the butter factory and opened it on the opposite side of the room and tasted more butter than this.

What’s wrong with you BK! Your burgers are like seven bucks of “why did I buy this?” I’m calling you out, King. You guys need to get your sh*t together! I waited in line for like twenty minutes behind what I thought was a live Bobby Shmurda music video to eat this crap. And now I have to write about it? Oh, I’m pissed.

Burger King Extra Long Buttery Burger: D+. If I wasn’t super hungry I’d have taken one bite of this burger and dropped it on the spot right there. Literally I would have left it on the floor of my own apartment for a few days just to remind myself of my foolishness.

That being said, I’m still rooting for you, King. I love an underdog story, who doesn’t? I believe in you. Let’s stop ripping off the Big Mac, bring back the King making people shit their pants in the middle of the night, and get back to what any restaurant should be in it for. Food like an art, not like a source of revenue.  How about doing something off the wall that isn’t you guys 3-D printing your buns in a different shape. What about just literally putting every ingredient on your menu into one burger? I saw in  Japan you guys are doing all kinds of crazy stuff (the Kuro, Windows 7 Whopper, etc.) Bring that crazy Japanese stuff over here!! I’d probably like that! Idk, I’m just spitballin’. Just trying to help, BK. You guys need it right now.

Review By Sl33zy

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Nashville Hot Chicken from KFC!

The birth of Nashville Hot Chicken is a spicy and sordid tale. According to legend, a woman, fed up with her boyfriend’s philandering ways, liberally dosed a fried chicken breast teeming with extra hot peppers. She coyly fed it to him- I assume to see his face explode in red with cartoonish steam pouring from his ears. Instead, he fell in love with it and opened his own hot chicken restaurants. (Thanks Wikipedia.) 

Nashville Hot Chicken is no joke. It’s so hot and spicy you’ll need constant breaks, a clump of moist towelettes, and a partner to wipe the perspiration from your Steven Avery levels of sweat accumulating on your brow. It’s that good hurt. It’s a feat of strength. So how did KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken” compare against the legend?

Not well. I could’ve guessed because the masses aren’t ready for that level of heat. Nice try, KFC, but without lard as an ingredient, it will never compare. 

This is why I don't go to Yahoo for food reviews.

The hype was building. I perused the flyer and started salivating. KFC was telling me that I would soon be tasting some next-level heat. 

Not a legally binding warning label...

I went with the 3 piece chicken fingers meal that also included a biscuit and a side of slaw . At $5.49 the value ain’t bad. They’ll sub the slaw for another side but I kept it to battle the incoming heat that never materialized. I know I’ve been critical up to this point, but overall the meal was tasty and satisfying. The spices they used just weren’t strong enough on the Scoville test, but the chicken was perfectly done. The skin stayed crunchy even after being slathered in the sweet and spicy sauce. The chicken was tender. The biscuit was flaky and made a perfect vessel for ½ a finger. 

There was a moment there where I thought I was in trouble. Sweat started accumulating but quickly subsided after a gulp of water. 

Extreme close up!

Even though the KFC attempt at Nashville Hot Chicken couldn’t live up to the original, it was a valiant? attempt that resulted in something delicious. I dug the sweet/smoky/spicy flavor of the chicken. It elevated the chicken finger to something much better. The accompanying slaw, biscuit, and potato wedges (with ranch dressing, natch) were also enjoyable. 

This got me thinking, what’s the spiciest fast food item you’ve ever eaten? Comment below. Now. 

Review by Mark!

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Wendys Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger & Bacon Fondue Fries!

Well, folks, 2015 has hit the bricks and 2016 has arrived! So we're kicking off the year in style with a review that has more bacon than your average review. That's right, we're tackling two bacon behemoths today from that little ol' burger joint we all know as Wendys. Up first? The Bacon Fondue Fries! 

Over the past couple years Wendys has been trying out this thing where they usually just take a bunch of stuff they already have laying around and slap them on fries. While that usually sounds good on paper, what we're left with most times is a plastic tray filled with soggy fries that are drowning in some weird cheese sauce. I was expecting much of the same from these. But before we get started, take a look at the picture above this text...now take a look at the picture below...

The top one is what my Bacon Fondue fries looked like. The bottom one is the picture off of their website. The Wendys closest to me might be the worst Wendys of all time. They are VERY lazy about everything they do. Crumbled bacon? AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT, JUST TOSS WHOLE SLABS ON THEM FRIES! I like huge pieces of bacon as much as the next guy, but come on! In this situation the bacon is supposed to be evenly distributed so you can have some in every bite. Terrible. Why not just put a whole tomato on my burger next time instead of a tomato slice? RIDICULOUS!

Anyway, the Bacon Fondue Fries are basically Wendys fries covered in a Swiss-Gruyere fondue cheese sauce and then "crumbled" Applewood smoked bacon.  The fries were a bit soggy as expected, but the fondue sauce was actually really tasty. Very creamy and interesting and it played well with the bacon too, once I took the slices off and cut them up myself. The cheese sauce alone was enough to make these destroy the Baconator Fries we reviewed recently. I have to say, I kind of hope that this loaded fries fad goes away soon, but in the mean time, if your Wendys actually breaks up the bacon, these are pretty tasty.

Next up is the Wendys Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger! They boast that it's aged Gouda, the same Swiss-Gruyere fondue sauce and applewood smoked bacon. But also to note, it's one patty (Of course you can add more if you'd like) and what seems like an entire bushel of greens. Needless to say, mine didn't look much like their promo picture...

See what I'm saying? That promo picture makes it look like the greatest burger of all time! But you can't fault them too much for this. Fast food is never going to look as pretty as it does in their commercials and promotional pictures. We know this, it's just fun to point out sometimes.

After I got done picking half a dozen massive leaf stems out of my burger, I finally dove in. For not being too impressed with how it looked, I have to say the burger itself is damn good! You already know my positive thoughts on that fondue sauce and mixing that with a slab of aged Gouda? Genius! I think my only problem was ordering it how it was and not adding a second patty. Seeing how huge it looked in the picture, I honestly figured it had two. I figured wrong. The only real things I would change here would be way less greens and another beef slab.

But other than those two things, this burger is  force to be reckoned with. Extremely cheesy and juicy. Lots of different flavors playing off of each other too. I would have to say it's my favorite Wendys Burger since they came out with those Hot & Juicy burgers back in 2011. But this makes those look like dollar menu junk! Get to Wendys before these are gone!

In the end I give the Bacon Fondue Fries and C+, soggy fries are never great, even if the sauce that's making them soggy is. Plus? Break up that bacon!

The Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger gets a B+. I would easily give it an A rating if there were less greens and a second beef patty. Still, this is an awesome burger. Get one today! For more info on both of these and many more of their items, check out Wendys.com!

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Jack in the Box Peppermint & Oreo Milkshake!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of our readers!  Our gift to you? A special CHRISTMAS DAY REVIEW from our friends at Jack In The Box! Today we take a moment from our holiday cheer to tell you about the new Jack in the Box Peppermint & Oreo Milkshake! 

That whipped cream is beautiful!

I was looking for a ice cold tasty treat while finishing up my shopping, so I swung by my local Jack in the Box and picked up one of these. Oreo? Peppermint? I LIKE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS! So how could I go wrong? 

Since the winter in Seattle means non-stop rain, I waited to crack into this cup full of holiday cheer until I got home. Well, that and I tried to take a sip and couldn't get one. I figured the straw was probably clogged with Oreo. This is an okay problem to have. 

But when I got it home, (along with the other items I purchased) I found something to be amiss...the straw wasn't just clogged, the shake was too thick to drink! Now I know a lot of people prefer this and like to eat them with a spoon. Me? Not so much. 

Almost popped something in my brain trying to take a sip!

So I let it sit for twenty mins and then it was perfect. It's just what you expect. A lovely mix of ice cream, peppermint and tons of crushed up Oreo cookie. How much? So much that my creepy little Santa was quite impressed by it. 

Creep Santa approves!

They definitely didn't hold back on loading this thing up with Oreo. Every single sip flooded my mouth with a cookies worth of Oreo chunks! From the outside of the cup I was worried because the ice cream hides the amount of Oreo quite well. But fear not, my friends! Not only that, but the Peppermint flavor was quite nice and distributed throughout the shake perfectly. 

The Jack in the Box Peppermint & Oreo Milkshake is only around for a limited time, and with today being Christmas Day, I wouldn't expect it around TOO much longer, so get out there and get one while you can. Apart from some initial problems with the shake thickness, after it melted a little bit, I enjoyed it! It's a great holiday treat. Unless you're outside spending time in the cold. I'm giving this shake a B+!

For more info on this and other great Jack in the Box offerings, go here: http://www.jackinthebox.com/

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