What moms really want for Mother's Day!

Things almost every mother wants for Mother's day but never asks :)

1) Catching Zs. I miss the days of lying in bed late with the sun streaming through my bedroom. Getting up and having lunch. IN order to do this - Kids need to be removed from house.

2) Breakfast in bed. - I'd love to not have to make someone's breakfast. Maybe lie in bed reading, awaiting coffee, eggs with cheese, strawberries and scones. Then more coffee with extra cream. I'd love to eat it in one sitting too. Like not having to stop and get up to get something for someone. To sit and eat in peace.

3) Spa Day. Massage, mani/pedi. Need I say more. If chocolate or cupcakes were involved - it would be awesome!

4) Shopping without kids. Hey I'm not picky. This could even be grocery shopping, running errands, browsing bookstores or hitting up Target without kids in tow asking for every item on every shelf.

5) Homemade Gifts. Not socks or underwear. Not even an organizer b/c that says I'm not organized. Maybe just homemade items. Those are the best. The kind that dad helps them do on a rainy day - in advance of course - not day of.

6) Night out. This can be with girls or a date night. But I'd love a night out on town. Babysitter planned, reservations made. For me to just show up and drink margaritas or martinis.

7) A Ban on Bickering. For the kids to start bickering about who's bossing who or how hit who. What belongs to who, what TV show to watch. Just happy kids with smiles and bells on.

8) Child Labor. A day of the kids and hubby completing the following tasks -
cleaning toilet seats
boxing up winter clothes and pack away in closet
organizing closet
laundry
dishes
going through old toys and cleaning out rooms/play room
cleaning out under seats in car

any will do!

9) Jewelry. Those earrings I've been eying but would never buy myself :) (by hubby or child)

10) Compliments galore - nothing short of:

"You're the best mom"
"Thanks for cleaning my underwear."
"I wouldn't trade you in for chocolate or toys."
"What would I do without you."


The top 5 things no mother wants to hear on Mother's Day

1) "I have tee time at noon."

2) "You look great for having 2 kids."

3) "We're out of coffee."

4) "I thought you'd want a new vacuum cleaner. And it was on sale."

5) "Lets just grab MacDonalds."



That's not too much to ask for - right? :)

Donut Days from Hell

Saturday was not a good mommy moment for me. Another #mommyfail to add to my long lists of #mommyfails.

So this past Saturday after my husband leaves for work (yes on a Saturday! But we wont get into that in this post) I decide to take kids for a donut run.

Donuts + kids = happy times. Right? WRONG! Donut + kids = Disaster waiting to happen.

Let me set it up for you

(main character tip: you must get the reader to sympathize with your Main Character so they care about the story and stick with them even when they do things the reader may not like)

Background/History
(Backstory tip - don't do it unless it is critical to the story - This is so it's appropriate)

Here's mine - My kids have been out of camp for a couple weeks. After an exhausting week at LA, my dad having major spinal surgery, and my daughter being out of camp the same week. We spent the week at the hospital and American Girl getting her ready for school. Then when she went back last week, my son was out ALLLLLLL last week. Meanwhile, I am fighting a nasty cold and my hubby had visiting clients, therefore was forced to work long hours. All of this = NO REPRIEVE.

Needless to say, after the intellectual drain of LA SCBWI, the emotional drain of watching my dad, the financial strain of American Girl store, I was weak. Tired. Tapped. And over the week, I started to feel like my kids were slowing chipping away at my mommy armor, complaint by complaint, need by need, want by want. My invisible force field was weakening.

Mommy Offense #1 - Lacking in necessary equipment
(creating conflict tip - its important to provide the conflict up front so the reader is pulled into caring how the conflict is resolved. )

For the record, I do not have the latest model in the huge line of Mommy Force Fields. I have a very (VERY) old model that has been banged on, torn at, and picked at for about 6 years. So there are hairline cracks, fractures, holes and yes! it is totally MY fault that I have not upgraded to the newest and latest model. (or is it my husband's for not buying it for Mothers Day instead of seeds for the garden. Again, a whole other post.)

I have seen some woman who have been blessed with the upgraded model. I envy the capabilities: The always look cute and pulled together button, The everyday shower lever, the 24/7 smile-no-matter-what- feature, The nothing-cracks-me bonus addition, the one that comes with "100% patience guarantee" and the "lifetime guarantee". The one that promises to lasts for over 5,000 meltdowns while doing a million chores or you get your money back (and probably even a makeover!)

Of what model do I speak of? The MFF 5000 (Mommy ForceField 5000)

Unfortunately, I was suckered into leasing the one that was on clearance a few years ago b/c I could not afford an upgraded one. I got the used model. With previous owners. The one with no frills. No special tricks. The mainframe of Force Fields.

The FF100. (in case you don't know the 100 is the number of meltdowns covered. The number I go through in - oh lets say - a month?)

You see where I am going. (Are you sympathizing with me - The MC - yet?)

Offense #2 - Giving 6 and 3 year old Choices they are clearly not equipped to handle

Yes, for some reason, I have it in my head that kids deserve to make their own choices (damn you Dr Sears!) I made the critical mistake of asking 2 innocent children the age old question that still causes controversy in some adults:

Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme?

character arc tip - It is important to show some kind of emotional growth in your character over the course of your book. They must have learned something from the conflict.

My lesson? I've realized that I give my kids waaaaaaaay to many choices in life. My 6 year old and 3 year old have somehow gotten it in their mind that since I let them choose which plate they wanted or which Dora episode to watch, that they now are in charge of telling me how to drive, suggesting (demanding) ways for me to spend my money, and implementing new rules in the house around bath/bed time without parental consent.

Scene of the Crime
rising action tip - It is the events leading up to the Climax. Confused - Just read on and you'll get a good example.

DISCLAIMER: BEWARE THIS IS A REENACTMENT THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE - ESPECIALLY FOR THE MOMS WHO PROUDLY OWN THE MFF 5000.

Setting: In the car, songs playing, all of us singing along with Elmo
setting tip - its important to set the stage so your reader feels as if they are there. As if they are experiencing everything the MC is - the car, the kids, the donuts.

Me (hereby known as Defendant): "Ok Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme?"

Daughter, Age 6 (hereby known as Perpetrator #1) - "Dunkin Donuts"

Son, Age 3 (hereby known as Perpetrator #2) yells "Kwispe Kweme"

Defendant: "Well, do you want little round donuts or big ones."

Perp1: "Big"

Perp2: "Little"

Setting: Mom drives to Dunkin Donuts. Reasoning: b/c its closer, has small AND large donuts as well as big coffees. Family pulls into DD.

dialogue tip - it is important that you create real characters and dialogue that the reader feels is real including the appropriate dialect and word choice.

Perp2: "I don't want dis pwace (he's 3). I want da pwace where donuts go like dis" as he mimicks the big donut machine with his hands. (I know cute right? Lets see how CUTE he is later)

Defendant -" This is our only option . Other place is closed." (misdemeanor: lying in hopes of avoiding meltdown from perp2)

Perp1 cheers with hands in the air - "Yay Dunkin Donuts!" (Again, don't her deceive you either.)

Setting: Inside at counter with poor lady serving donuts to loud family before 7 am.

Defendant: "A dozen donuts please. (proceeds to call out the 12 donuts. Lady fills in 5 of them .Defendant turns to Perp #1). What donut do you want sweetie?"

Perp #1:" I dont want a big donut now. I want a small donut."

Defendant: "You said you wanted a big donut. Are you sure you want small ones now? B/c once I get them, you can't change your mind."

Perp #1: "yes."

Defendant gets big donut.

Perp#2: "no, I want a big donut."

Defendant (starts sweating) -"Wait, I thought you wanted SMALL donuts. (turns to lady frowning at counter). "OK so instead of 12 donuts, knock me down to 6 and add 25 munkins."

Perp #2: (says "I want big donut" over and over and over and over and over again in my ear.)

Defendant pats his little head: "shhhh, I heard you. I got you a big donut."

Perp #1 - "How many little donuts do i get to eat?"

Defendant - "I don't know, probably about 5?"

Perp #1 raises voice: "5! that's it?Well then I want a big donut instead."

Perp #2 yells at sister - "No! you get small donuts. Me get big donuts!"

Defendant grits teeth as lady hands over 6 donuts and munchkins. Defendant grabs bags and whispers to Perps with "THE LOOK" on her face. "Both of you stop it now or you will get NO donuts." Defendant turns to frowning donut lady. "Can I also get a iced hazelnut coffee?"

Perp #2 - "No, I want an iced coffee."

Defendant - "You cant have coffee."

Perp #2 - "I never get anyfing."

Perp #1 teases Perp #2. "Yes you do. You got apple juice this morning."

Perp #1 hits Perp #2. kids proceed to argue....LOUDLY.

Defendant speaks through gritted teeth. "Both of you better stop it and get in the car. NOW!" Defendant smiles at frowning lady and the long, long line of frowning people that have gathered impatiently waiting for donuts. "Sorry."

Both Perps continue to argue all the way to the car.

Setting: Inside car, which is a SUV but now suddenly feels like a really, really smallish compact car - with no air or room to breathe.

Defendant does deep breaths and blasts high air conditioner to cool off from sweating. Uses happy voice. "Does anyone want a small donut for the ride home?"

Perp #2 starts to cry. "But I wanted a BIG donut"

Defendant breathes again.: "You'll get a big one when you get home. But do you want a small one now?"

Perp #2 "No! Only big one!" This dialogue exchange repeats a few times.

Finally, after almost hitting a car and running over a woman, frazzled Defendant ignores Perp #2 and speaks to Perp #1 "What about you honey, do you want one of your small donuts?"

Perp #1 "Is it 1 of my 5?"

Defendant: "Yes."

Perp #1 "Never mind, I want a big donut."

Defendant: "I told you if you chose small donuts, you'd have to live with your decision. I did not get you a big one."

Perp#1: Can I have your big donut and 2 small ones?"

Defendant starts to lose grip on reality. "No!"

Perp #2: Still crying. Only its getting louder.

Perp #1: starts crying too.

Pause for commentary.

OK so this all was much, much worse than this reenactment suggests but my fingers are getting tired of doing dialogue and my heart is starting to pump as I relive the trauma of that morning.

Anyway, you get the point.

So after days of exhaustion, sickness, hospital visits, no husband back up, and being beaten down by my little devils...I mean kids....I lose it in the car. Yelling at them. At. The. Top. Of. My. Lungs. (Now, I admit I do bark/yelp occasionally. But ever since Dr Phil said "Raising your kids does not mean raising your voice." I try hard not to yell....too much.)

Now, I know you all are saying "Thats OK. Every mom loses it sometimes."

But I'm here to tell you that, I REALLY LOST IT. I went from 0 - 100 in less than 5 seconds. To be honest, I don't even know where it came from. My kids are usually pretty good kids and Ive had days where they've done worse than this before I've simply hollered calmly or yelped loudly. But for some reason, this was the day, my FF100 decided to breakdown and meltdown with no battery backup. My FF100 shortcircuited for about 30 seconds. But enough time to do some damage.

Not only was my throat sore the rest of the day, casing me to be slightly hoarse (AKA a battle scar) I think I might have even spit on the windshield. I yelled at my kids sharing some of the following points of brilliance you can only get from a mom:

"do you know how many kids in Africa want donuts?"
"how can you be fighting over donut size? A donut is a donut."
There were also some mumbles about "how I do everything for them" and "how come they cant appreciate it when they get something" and "why cant we just get along".

Then I turned up the radio loud - so loud - loud enough to drown out the crying. I think I even blew out a speaker and I'm pretty sure Ill never want to hear California girls again. (I know bad right? I'm not proud of it I just couldn't take it anymore.)

As soon we get home, i practically fall out of the car, drop my coffee, and watch MY donut roll down the hill. Now I can't even be an Emotional Eater!? I stomp into the house with crying kids behind me (feeling like a complete failure and total loser, hungry with no caffeine in sight) and sentence my criminals for their offenses.

Good times....

Sentence: No donuts for 24 hrs, Solitary room confinement of 1 hour, total silence required until otherwise notified.

Both Perps are paddywagoned into their rooms. Doors slam. Crying conmenses. I go to my office and you got it - start crying. I call my husband who after listening patiently to my rant about ungrateful and spoiled kids calmly says "Honey, I don't blame you. I think you should talk to them but don't let them see you crack or they'll miss the whole point." Then I call my mom crying and tell her I'm sorry for all the times i complained about donuts (b/c I think I remember some. Or was it about cheese???). I try to call my best friend and my brother. But they are wise in not picking up. After I cool down (and sneak a few small donuts!), I go into each room with my strong, prepared "noncracking" speech.

"I am very dissappointed in how you two acted at the donut place and I'm also dissappointed in myself for yelling. I'm sorry for yelling. (Defendant starts to tear up and voice starts to shake.) Having a choice is a priviledge that you 2 no longer have that right today. You will listen to everything I say without a peep. If you argue, additional jail time will be required. If you groan, manual labor will be in order. And if you balk, lives may be lost. For now, you may come out of solitary confinement and play in your jails together until I am ready. If you are good and don't argue with each other, I will let you out on parole for "good behavior" and LET you accompany me to the bookstore. Where we will buy nothing - no toys, no food, no books. Today, you may do nothing but eat and breathe. Please nod if you understand the terms of which you are being granted."

2 slow nods and many apologies and hugs/kisses.

The rest of the day, they were angels.

When my husband gets home, he asks the kids. "I heard mommy got mad this morning."
Daughter: "Mommy lost it b/c we were fighting over donuts."
Me: "On a scale of 1-10 - how bad did I lose it?"
Daughter: "100"

Conclusion: I have already contributed 150$ to each of their therapy punch cards so that someday they can afford to discuss THE DONUT EPISODE with a licensed professional.

Oh yeah, and next time i get donuts, I go in alone.

MommyFail or Mommysuccess?

Update: I've donated a marketing pkg that includes a consultation plus a piece of swag (book marker, postcard etc). The proceeds go to the Do It Write For Nashville that benefits the Nashville flood victims.

If the bid gets to 300$, I'll add in custom twitter background. And if it gets to 500$, I'll add in a custom biz card design.

Also - check out my interview about how marketing helped me in the publishing business over at Writer Musing. Thanks Tabitha!

I have never been someone who thought I would be great at being a mom. And since I've had kids, I'm sure other would say my #mommyfails are off the charts.

1) Patience of a Saint? #mommyfail! I have no patience. I'm the person who pops the toast early.

2) Craft Mom? #mommyfail! I am soooooooo not crafty. To me, using a crayon is an art. This includes sewing buttons, hemming, making American Girl clothes. Nuttin honey!

3) Kids are the center of my world? #mommyfail! Yes, I can be a bit self-centered. It's just now, it's with a kid. I go to story time at B&N so I can look at books in the kid section while my kids listen to other people read. I'm still working on it.

4) Mommy Speak? #mommyfail! I don't enjoy talking about my kids all day, every day. Really I don't. And, when I go out with my friends, I don't want to hear about their friends kids even more. I dont' want to compare nap schedules, poop routines, and discipline techniques from Supernanny.

5) Mommy and Me? #mommyfail! I do not attend these classes. One because on a grammar level - its just plain wrong. Two - I do not like to sing in large groups. Three, they lie - it is not just Mommy and me - its 20 other mommies and their 20 kids. I prefer to conduct my own classes at home. Cheaper and quieter. I heard once that the class should be changed to: "Scared Sh*tless women who have kids and are going out of their freaking' minds so they need to get out of the house before they go certifiably nuts" class. Wait, maybe that's too long for a brochure.

7) Mommy clothes? #mommyfail! I've never bought into mommy jeans, mommy hair cuts, and mommy stores. Excuse me but I don't want to LOOK like I haven't had sex in a couple months. Whether I have or not.

8) Hot mamma? #mommyfail! I'd like to think I've "still got it" and maybe to my husband I still do. But at for drinks, going to concerts, I realize the phrases like MILF and "hot mama," do not apply to me. Being a mommy is only sexy to us and our husbands. And that might only be b/c we take care of their kids so they pretend we're as hot as we used to be.

Now don't go calling DFAX.

I feed my kids. Even if it is from a microwave.

I pack their lunch. Even if it is a lunchable.

I read them books. Even if it is the same one every night.

I bathe them. Even if it is every OTHER night.

I sacrifice writing, sleep, and exercise to make sure they are happy. Even though I may grumble about it sometimes.

But I love my kids more than my life. I mean, I've given it up, haven't I? ;)

Besides, if any of you tried to harm them, I would personally gouge your heart out with my son's Elmo knife and serve it on my daughter's Dora plate.

See? I'm a good mommy.

Who says these things are all #mommyfails??

So #mommyfail or not.

I have realized I cannot let others tells me what a #mommysuccess looks like.

Except my kids :)

What about you? Any #mommyfails you want to come clean on? Go ahead, set yourself free!

At the center of a busy life

As a mom, sometimes, I forget to stop and breathe.

Because there are so many thing to do as a mom.

doing the laundry, changing sheets, folding laundry, putting away laundry, stacking laundry in baskets and leaving in the bedroom until *someone* else puts it away.

unloading dishes, rinsing dishes (yeah right), reloading dishes, wishing I'd bought paper dishes, buying paper plates, feeling bad about environment and go back to dishes.

reorganizing kids closets, cleaning out old toys, reorganizing new toys, returning toys back where they belong, yelling at kids to return toys where they belong, threatening kids to return toys where they belong.

buying dog food, feeding dog, taking dog to vet after he eats a pound of chocolate, letting elderly dog outside in the middle of the night to pee - twice!

taking care of hubby, making hubby take care of me, managing an extended family, managing a British family (oi!:), getting together with family before family has withdrawals.

giving baths, forcing baths, taking a shower, skipping a shower, wishing for a shower, refusing to shower.

shifting kids from one place to another, carpooling, playdates, afternoon activities, planning family activities, allocating equal Mommy Time.

get an idea, write a book, rewrite a book, tear up a book, envying someone else's book, curse my book, love my book, cry over my book, get a rejection, get an agent, rewrite book, and rewrite book again.

preparing for school, packing lunches, giving money for lunches, forgetting lunches, forgetting homework, doing homework.

cleaning out old sizes of kids clothes, buying new kids clothes, attending kids school activities, volunteering at school activities.

planning menus (yeah right!), cooking...OK FINE!...microwaving, wishing I was organized enough to crockpot, grocery shopping, wine shopping, chocolate shopping, interim shopping, drug shopping (Oops, I mean drug store shopping!)

taking care of house stuff, bringing in the mail, sending out mail, recycling junk mail, taking out the trash, recycling, bagging recycling, paying bills, filing bills, hiding bills, forgetting bills, ignoring bills.

scheduling cleaners, calling yard people, calling car people, begging babysitters, begging mother to come down.

staying on top of holidays, moving shelf on an elf, filling advent calendars, buying presents, returning presents.

awarding stars for good behavior, awarding red stickers for bad behavior, keeping track of stickers on behavior, ignoring tantrums, having tantrums, yelling at tantrums,

going by the bank to take in a check, wishing I had a check to take in, spending money, balancing checkbook, wishing I hadn't spent money, wondering where money went.

going to the bathroom with bystanders, cleaning the bathroom accidents of bystanders, teaching kids to wipe, teaching kids to flush, stocking diapers, smelling diapers, running out of diapers.

scheduling dr appt, handling impromptu dr appt, tending to the sick, feeling sick, stroking hurt feeling, hurting happy feelings, attending to boo boos.

yelling at kids to ask for peace and quiet, wishing for peace and quiet, hiding in closets for a moment of peace and quiet (everyone does this right?)

With all that - there is little time to breath.

There are so many things to do as a wife

There are so many things to do as a daughter, sister and friend.

There are so many things to do as a writer, a critiquer, a blogger, a tweeter, a facebooker, a myspacer, and a goodreader.

There are so many things to do to change the world.

Then, there are those moments - that in reality probably come to us in every second of every day - but I miss them because I'm so busy I forgot to stop, grab it, and press it to my heart. I forget to hold it in my hand before kissing it back to the wind.

Sometimes I don't relish in the moments of joy that fly by me at the speed of light. I guess I don't open my eyes in time to see the drops of happiness wrapped in a picked leaf, a drawn picture, or a hug.

Sometimes I happen to get lucky and accidentally sit still in the small moment that I realize is perfect. Before, I mistakenly push it aside as the world blows another obligation or problem my way.

Sometimes I get tiny but memorable reminders, in the shape of a flower, or a note in crayon, a book, or a sappy song.

When the universe nudges me quietly, suddenly giving me the sense, the urge, the need, the ability...

To stop...

To breathe...

To love...

To laugh...

To live...

To just be...

And remember to cherish and be grateful for the things at the very center of my busy life.

Friday Round-Up (thoughts and marketing posts)

NYC Conference! Who's in?

Raise your hand if you are going to NYC SCBWI Conference. Me too! (hopefully:) Libba Bray is the keynote speaker - that alone is worth the cold, the money, and the taxi rides. Don't you think? OK so maybe you could buy all her books for much cheaper (evidently especially if you go to the devil stores of Walmart or Target) or watch her vlog for free.

But to see her in person and maybe steal/borrow/suck up some of her writing brilliance: priceless.


Mediocre Mom to the rescue! Halloween Drama Solved!

My daughter's costume was lost in mail this week. Talk about devastation! Try telling a 5 year old "I'm sorry but you may not be able to be Cheetah Cat Girl" Then I got "the look" - you know the one with a big puffed out lip and alligator tears clinging to the ledge of her eyelids. Broke my heart.

As if I dont' feel guilty enough, to drive the stake further into my heart - she mutters: "It's OK mom. I don't have to be Cheetah Cat Girl. I guess I can just go as a regular old Cat." (So sweet right?)

But just KILL me why don't yah!

So what did I do?

No!!! I did not make one! That would make me a Super Mom. I'm just Mediocre Mom. Not to mention, I am soooooo not crafty!

Besides, if I was so super - I WOULD NOT HAVE WAITED UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE. I would have bought it months ago and had it dry-cleaned and pressed.

My solution? I paid 50$ on overnight shipping for a 30$ cat costume. And lucky for me - it arrived today. Can't wait to see her face and the obvious words that will follow: You're the best mom in the world!

And she will be the best Cheetah Cat Girl - wrinkles and all.

PS: An update - after all that - the other one just came too - GRRRRRR! Anyone need a Cheetah costume, unfortunately its too small for me :)

Marketing Round Up

Here are some "spooktacular" marketing posts for the week. Happy Halloween!

Author Websites- What not to blog - You start blog and wonder what to write about. Here's are some tips on what NOT to do!

What's next in book promotion? - A man using airports as a book tour. All times are based on flight schedules! :)

Book Promotion Humor - A recent (and very funny) New Yorker piece by Ellis Weiner (wait don't laugh yet!) on book promotion has zoomed around the web.

15 places to start a group online - There's another aspect you can use to promote your book and your identity as an author. Instead of looking only for existing social hangouts, why not create one?

The Katy Challenge - My first school visit presentation was speaking to a group of 300 school kids—one of my biggest crowds ever. Here's the surprising thing: it was a piece of cake!

I am no Super Mom!

My kids were stuck home today from school - for the flooding - and we went to the bookstore.
So did a ton of other moms.

A lot of them were talking about what they do with their kids and what they dont' do. Some of them i thought "I do that.". Some i thought "What? I would never do that!"

I realized there is a difference between Good moms and Super moms.

• Super mom - helps her kids throw up when they are sick
  
• Good mom - helps her kids throw up but..... in reality is gagging and about to throw up herself

• Super mom - picks a paci (or food) off the floor and washes it off
• Good mom - picks up a paci (or food) blows on it and shoves it back in kids mouth to build up immune system
  

• Super mom - loves to play with her kids
  
• Good mom - loves to play with her kids but... only for so long before she feels like she just cant be the dog anymore.

• Super mom - never yells and is always calm
• Good mom - yells at least once a week and then apologizes for "losing it"

• Super mom - has kids who eat spinach and broccoli
• Good mom - gets excited when a bad eater loves spinach pretzels at B&N and then happily counts that as one of the daily vegetables.
  

• Super mom - is always dressed in super cute outfit (cape and all)
• Good mom - is lucky if she gets to take a shower and throws on what is clean (or not)
  

• Super mom - negotiate with kids in stores to avoid arguments and effectively uses time outs at the checkout
  
• Good mom - lets kid fall on the floor and then asks others around if they want to "watch the show" (while waiting for fit to be over)
  

• Super mom - packs a lunch for her kids everyday with love - keeping the four food groups in mind
  
• Good mom - packs a lunch for her kids everyday with love- but some days throws in a lunchable and tells herself its a treat

• Super mom - lays out the perfect outfit so her kid looks perfect for school
• Good mom - lets kids pick out clothes and as long as they are wearing pants - lets the unmatched socks and contrasting stripe patterns pass inspection
  

• Super mom - only gives kids TV if the American Pediatric Assoc recommends it
• Good mom - commands "movie day" and sticks her kid in front of TV to get a break.
  

• Super mom - volunteers to be the head of the PTA
• Good mom - wants to be on the PTA and knows when the meetings are, but somehow even with best intentions never gets there on time

• Super mom - loves to clean the grime in the toilets b/c "cleanliness is next to godliness".
• Good mom - love to pay someone else to reach those places.
  

• Super mom - loves to get up in the middle of the night with kids when they wake, go potty, or are in the bathroom
• Good mom - does rock paper scissors with hubby to see who wins and gets to sleep in

• Super mom - sings Elmo and Sesame Street songs in the car everyday, all day
  
• Good mom - gets her kids to like Justin Timberlake and sing "I'm bringing sexy back"

• Super mom - cooks homemade meals every night from scratch
• Good mom - cooks hot meals from the four food groups even if three of them are processed and heated in microwave

• Super mom - would rather be with their kids 24/7
• Good moms - loves time with kids but sighs a breath of relief when kids are finally tucked in bed and a bottle of wine is already open.

• Super mom - loves to share her food with her kids, giving them the last bite
• Good mom - resents giving away the last bite b/c she loves sweets
  

• Super mom - loves every bowel movement their child takes - 1 or 2
• Good mom - cringes when she hears the words "Booty check!!!" coming from the bathroom (that also happens to be flawed in its flushing ability)

• Super mom - loves being pregnant
• Good mom - doesn't like being pregnant (really through the first 3 months of babyhood) but loves her kids unconditionally

• Super mom - loves to talk about everything their kid does, all day, all the time
  
• Good mom - loves to talk about her kids but only for so long then she likes to talk about herself.
  

• Super mom - loves to play chase and run after her kids, up and down the playgyms
• Good mom - loves to play "hide and seek" so she can hide in a corner and get at least 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

I have a confession: I am a Good mom. I will never be a Super mom. I'm Ok with that.

Anyone looking to buy a "never before used" cape?

Wednesday's Wacko Watch - To Pick or Not to Pick

Marketing Muse

Check out these tips on how to market fiction!


To Pick or Not to Pick

O.K I have a bone to pick! (no this post is not about picking bones!)

Yesterday, am taking a walk with my daughter. Its gorgeous outside, my little boy is in the stroller.

Along the way, my daughter is skipping and singing.

At the end of our street, there is an apartment complex. It has windy sidewalks through it and we always go through there because it is a nicer walk than staying on the street. (Don't even get me started on the sidewalk issue here!)

As we are walking through the complex, we come to a ratty old bush. And growing in the bush, is one single pink rose. My thought goes to: it only takes one. Which seems to be my daily mantra as I sift through the query process.

My daughter is thrilled and says: "Look, mommy that's pollination!" (She loves the Bee Movie). She squeals and proceeds to tell me all about pollination and how seeds move from flower to flower.

Then she says with wide, hopeful eyes: "Can I pick it?"

I usually always say no because most of the flowers we come across are in people's yard and that would be rude, not to mention probably illegal trespassing. I certainly don't need a 5 year old fugitive.

This time, I give in and say: "Sure honey."

She squeals again and picks the long beautiful rose, which again is not from anyone's rose bush or garden. Keep in mind, this is an apartment complex with hedges around it that are in the common area.

So who would care right?

Wrong.

Just as her little fingers pluck the puffy, sweet smelling pink bloom, a lady screams (and I mean screams) out from across the court, "OH NO!!!"

Now, first of all I never see anyone in this apartment complex because we usually walk before people start getting home from work.

Second, we NEVER pick anything. We don't even roll over grass and we don't even try to sneak into the apartment pool.

So of course the ONE time I let my daughter sneak a sample from nature is the ONE time some crabby old lady decides to make a stand.

The lady yells at us again, "Why did you just do that? That's awful!"

My daughter's eyes grow wide, almost as if she is about to cry. She whispers, "Mommy, am I in trouble?" This is a little girl that ALWAYS follows the rules. The one who actually reminds me of the rules because I actually forget them.

I turn to the lady and say, "Hi, my daughter found this random flower and picked it from a this bush."

Lady: "Why would you do that? It wasn't yours."

Me: "Oh no. We didn't take it from anyone's garden or anything. It was just stuck in this random bush."

She shakes her long, wiry white hair and proceeds to ash her cigarette as her white cockatoo perches on her shoulder squawking "hello, how are you?" in his polite birdy manner (which was actually much more polite than the old lady)

I apologize and say, "I'm sorry, have a good day."

I walk away (OK so I Stomped away) steaming. For 1/2 the walk home, I kept telling my daughter "It's OK. We didn't do anything wrong. Some people are just grumpy. We apologized."

Was I trying to convince her or myself?

You see, I am someone who cries if the person next to me cries. I am someone whose feelings are made of some kind of really fragile stuff even though I may come across as tough. I cry at commercials, I cry in movies, I cry to songs. (Sounds like I cry all the time but I dont) I am also someone who gets stuck on certain things. Someone who gets appalled at other people's actions. Someone who feels awful and beats herself up for days if she does anything wrong or hurts anyones feelings. (obviously - b/c I am still bothered today)

But to imply I am disrespecting nature? I celebrate Earth Day. I recycle. I pick up trash when I see it. I pay money every month to plant trees to offset my family's carbon. I even give enough to offset my neighbors carbon. I never let my daughter kill bugs and teach her to respect nature. I spend some time every day appreciating this world we have. So I am slightly offended and annoyed that it was implied I disturbed something sacred.

Maybe we shouldn't have picked the flower. I get that.

So what is my beef???

1) Why did she care? Granted maybe we should not have picked it. But technically it was a weed right? I think people focus on these smallish things when there are huge things to care about. If we all focused our energy on something bigger - like war or plastic or criminals, we'd be better off than yelling at a small girl for a single flower.

2) Why did she have to yell? Didn't she see my little 5 year old cringing away in fright. Didn't she see the joy on my 5 year old daughter's face as she help the rose in her hand, proudly. Was it necessary to yell and disrespect us like she THINKS we disrepected a flower?

3) Was she really so "earth conscious" that she was bothered by the picking of a single rose that was not even hers to begin with? Or was she mad because she wanted to pick it?

I don't know but here is my take on Flower Lady?

If you are smoking and ashing on the lawn with a wild rarish bird confined as a pet that lives in your dingy little apartment whose wings you've clipped so he remains a prisoner while you make him learn dumb human phrases as he dreams of flying in blue skies......

....then my daughter can pick a flower.

Who's with me!

What do you think? Was it awful to pick the flower?

Milk baths? Not so great if you are a doll.

BEWARE: this is a mommy post.

So we had a huge DRAMA this weekend and are just recovering today.

The abuse of my daughter's American Girl (AG).

The one she fondly named Sarah Kate Magnificent Clara (SKMC for short - sounds like a rapper huh?) after weeks of tossing out several names.

The one that is over 100$.

The one she washed with milk.

yes, you heard me right, milk. And 2% makes no difference trust me.

Backstory
Now a couple of weeks ago, I walked into the room to find my daughter drenching her AG with water. Innocent mistake right? We had not covered the AG rules thorough enough. I calmly explained to her that she could do anything she wanted to to that doll EXCEPT get her wet. That if she wanted to wash her hair - she needed to call me (the hair dresser) and take her to the salon (bathroom) under my supervision so i could show her how to do it properly.

The high maintenance AG doll
For those of you who have not been brainwashed enough to get sucked into the AG's retail trap, the dolls cost over 100$ and are made so that you have to spend money even after you buy one. They have their own clothes and own rules of ownership. They are very sensitive.

• You cant get their body wet
• You have to use a special brush
• You have to take them to the AG salon if you need a hairstyle change.
  
• You can only dampen their hair
• And you can only wash it with Johnson's baby shampoo. (AG must obviously have some kind of contract with Johnson, right?)
• If something happens, the dolls have to go to the AG Hospital (where admission is at least 40$),

Saturday Drama
Yesterday, at quiet time, it was quiet.

First clue: I should have known something was up b/c my daughter usually comes out at least 5 times during the "quiet" time asking how long is "quiet" time.

So finally, I go in and anticipate some damage.

What kind of damage can a 5 year old do - you ask?

You'd be surprised at how much they can do and how fast. Its actually amazing what 5 year olds can do in such a short period of time of 30 minutes.

We have had our mishaps.

My daughter has rubbed glitter glue all over her wall. She has stuck about 1,011 stickers on her walls, bed, and her furniture. She has sprinkled/scattered jars of glitter all over her room and rug. She has colored the walls with glitter Tinkerbell crayons. She has taken ever hair clip and clipped the organza draps. And, she has tied her princess toole that hangs from her ceiling to her bed in triple knots.

All this in the name of fanciness! (Remind me to kill Fancy Nancy!)

I digress.

So, I walk into the room and look around. Doesn't seem so bad. Until I start picking stuff up. Everything seems kind of.......I don't know.....wetish (is that a word?) (Looking back now, i would say milky but hind sight is 20/20, isn't it).

Dramatic reenactment:

I pick up a dripping doll and whine. "Honey, I thought I asked you not to put water around your American Girl?"

With big innocent eyes and a large smile, my daughter says, "I know Mommy. I didn't use water."

I hold up the dripping doll and ask, "Then why is she wet?"

Keep in mind, my daughter has no idea she is about to incriminate herself so instead of saying "I plea the 5th." She happily and proudly says, "It's milk. I gave her a milk bath."

Now I knew the recognized the smell. Warm milk. She looked so innocent in front of me and so proud. How do you handle that? Her intentions were good but her actions were careless and she went ahead and did something after I'd already told her not to get her doll wet.

"Why did you do that? Didn't I asked you not to get your doll wet last week?"

Again, innocent eyes blink back at me, still unaware of the impending wrath of Mommy. "But mommy you said I could not use WATER on her hair. I didn't use water. I used milk for her milk bath."

She had a point.

And, I did not yell. But I did make her sit in timeout while I chatted with the American Girl hotline for about 15 minutes. A time-out house record.

Pathetic Reenactment

AG: His this is AG, can you tell me your doll's name?

Me: Ugh, Sara Kate Magnificent Clara.

AG: *pause* OK. What can I do for Sara Kate? What was the rest?"

Me: "Magnificent Clara."

AG: "Sara Kate Marvelous Claire?"(why cant my daughter just choose Suzie like the other kids?)

Me: "That's fine. My daughter put milk on her doll and i need to find out if i can clean it."

AG: "So your daughter wet Sara Kate's hair?"

Me: "And body."

AG: "Right. Well water isn't too bad for the hair, but the body could rust."

Me: "Uh yeah, except it was milk."

AG: *gasp* "Did you say milk?"

Me: "Yes, milk. My daughter gave her a milk bath."

*silence*

Me: "So can I clean it or does it have to go to the hospital?"

AG: "Well, I have heard of kids throwing up on their dolls. But I must say this is the first I have ever heard of a girl using milk. Hold on and let me ask my supervisor."

I must admit, part of me was almost proud. My daughter was the FIRST girl to think of giving her doll a milk bath? She is so smart. Cool right? So cool, we had to be escalated to the Milk supervisor. Whoa!

*hold*

Meanwhile, my daughter is wailing from her Timeout spot. "Please don't let them kill her, Mommy."

AG: "I'm back. We will probably have to replace the entire doll. Milk can stink."

Now I could have told you that. Can I be a supervisor? How much do they make?

Me: "Ok, I'll send it in. can it be fixed?"

AG: "You might as well buy a new doll."

Me: "But my daughter loves the one she has."

AG: "Ok Send it in. If we can't fix it (code word for get out your wallet) - you can purchase a new one as well as the hospital gown set. Then, when we send it back, she'll think it is the same one." Great now, $150. Ag lady gives me a list of "prepping and packing instructions" and I get off the phone.

Perturbed I just spent another 150$

I go to my daughter and tell her. "I just got off the phone with the Dr. Sara Kate has to go to the hospital and have an operation."

Daughter: "Sara Kate Magnificent Clara."

Me: "Today, its just Sara."

Daughter: "But will she die?"

The mean mad me says: "She might! And, if she does. I am not buying you a new one. That will be the consequence. We will just have to see what happens."

*tears follow* (from both of us. If anyone cried around me, I cry too. Not helpful I know but true.)

So what was my daughter's punishment?

I think she had had enough. She cried for about 30 minutes about her doll and is devastated that she has to give up Sara Kate Magnificent Clara for major surgery . Originally, we took away a show just to impress nanny 911 but after the the flood of tears, I buckled and ended up giving it back when my hubby left for the afternoon.

What can I say except - I am a sucker.

Not only am i paying for a new doll but now I have to pay for the stupid hospital gown too.

American girl - 100$

American girl replacement $150

Daughter's happiness - priceless. Though she is probably scarred for life.

All at my expense.

Me - I was upset that I upset her all afternoon. I wanted ot take a bath after she went to bed. But somehow a milk bath didn't sound so good anymore.

Just out of respect for the dead.

6 Things on a Saturday

1. Whooooo knows about Owl Medicine?
I woke up - once again - to an owl hooting. Of course my hubby did not hear it. But as soon as I looked out the window, the owl stopped. WTF is up with owls!!! Are they trying to tell me something? Read this if you want to know more about what Native Americans thought. (With this health stuff going on, I have to admit I'm freaked out a bit by them)

Owls come in all sizes, from a tiny miniature that actually lives inside the cactus in the desert, to the great horned owl, which is the only bird that can out fly the golden eagle. A fully grown great horned is an awe inspiring creature. Its talons are furry, and closely resemble the paws of a baby mountain lion with claws extended. It is a meat eater, which means it can be a fierce warrior if challenged, or if something dear to it is threatened. It is often referred to as Night Eagle. Owl is at home in the night. It has great awareness of all that is around it at all times. It has predator vision, which means it sees clearly what it looks at. It has great intuition: it is the totem of psychics and clairvoyants. It has the courage to follow its instincts. Owl's medicine includes seeing behind masks, silent and swift movement, keen sight, messenger of secrets and omens, shape-shifting, link between the dark, unseen world and the world of light, comfort with shadow self, moon power, freedom.

2. The Sleep Gods have Answered.
My hubby let me sleep until 10:30. AH! I have not done this in years. he even took the kids out of the house so it was quiet. Wasn't that nice. Of course after the owl incident, I had nightmares but at least I am a bit refreshed. Isn't he GREAT! Thx honey

3. Time for a trip to the Salon.

Going to get my hair done today. haven't had it done in a while. I was kind of thinking of going red. Don' t know why? I think its because I watched America' top Model this week. One of the girls (the plus size model and I use plus size term lightly because she is what a size 6??) had brown hair and blueish green eyes like me changed to red hair in her makeover. I thought she looked good. But is red really me? maybe we should ask the owls?

4. A 5 year old's Brilliance

• Mommy - How to policeman stop you when you are speeding? I bet they just shoot you.
• Mommy - Ms. Cheryl told me unicorns were not real. I told her that I can believe what I want to. She just can't see them like I can.
• Don't worry Mommy, you have to keep trying. I know you can get published just don't be a giver upper!
• What does instinct mean? that something stinks??

5. A man of few words (from a 20-month old)

Me: Did you poo poo?

Him: No! (he did!)

Me: Do you want to take a nap?

Him: No!

Me: Do you want to play trains?

Him: No!

Me: Give me a kiss.

Him: No!

*sigh*

6. Boy I could use me some of this!

NPR had an article today listed: Can fearful memories be erased? What I found funny is that one way was drugs! No S$%# Sherlock. Drugs can erase anything (not that I would know) Check out the article, it is interesting.)

Have a nice saturday!

Interview with a 5 year old Diva

Interview with a 5 year old Diva

This was fun. I grabbed this from Nice Mommy-Evil Editor's Blog (a great new find). Ask your kid the questions and write them down exactly how they respond.

1. What is something mommy/daddy always says to you?

Mom: No, but just sometimes

Dad: Good job (the dad's always get the credit :)

2. What makes mommy/daddy happy?

Mom: Me, when i listen to you

Dad: you (ahhhhhhh!)

3. What makes mommy/daddy sad?

Mom: when Gray hits you (my 18 month is going through a stage. hitting and everything is mine, no or stop

Dad: when Connor passed away (my hubby's dog dies last April :(

4. How do mommy/daddy do to make you laugh?

Mom: when you make your eyes big at me

Dad: when he tickles me

5. What were mommy/daddy like when they were little?

Mom: funny, but you still are.

Dad: a boy

6. How old are your mommy/daddy?

Mom: 37 (she gave a year back - thx honey :)

Dad: same as you. what are you again?

7. How tall are your mommy/daddy?

Mom: taller than me

Dad: taller than everyone!

8. What is your favorite thing to do?

cartwheels and running

9. What do mommy/daddy do when you’re not around?

Mom: work on computer

Dad: play with Gray (again, dad's get all the credit)

10. If mommy/daddy become famous, what will it be for?

Mom: skating (I have no idea where this came from. Scary!)

Dad: singing (Trust me, there is NO chance of this!)

11. What are mommy/daddy really good at?

Mom: scaring us and yelling when you're mad (so what - I am a scary yeller??)

Dad: chasing us

12. What are mommy/daddy not very good at?

Mom: cooking pizzas (she's right except I'm not good at cooking ANYTHING)

Dad: hiding

13. What do mommy/daddy do for their jobs?

Mom: type

Dad: go to work and bring home the bacon (you can see who's daughter she is :)

14. What is mommy/daddy’s favorite food?

Mom: salad (yeah right, I wish!)

Dad: what you made last night (I think it was burnt - I mean- baked potatoes??)

15. What makes you proud of mommy/daddy?

Mom: when you play the game where you place your face through the card. You are really good at that game. (she's talking about the new game - what am i? it's fun!)

Dad: he fixes things

16. If mommy/daddy were a cartoon character, what would they be?

Mom; Cinderella

Dad: Kung Fu Panda (my hubby is so smiling right now)

17. What do you do with mommy/daddy?

Mom: play games

Dad: i ride my bicycle and my daddy walks next to me

18. How are you and mommy/daddy the same?

Mom: we have long hair

Dad: we have same color hair (huh?)

19. How are you and mommy/daddy different?

Mom: our voice doesn't sound the same

Dad: he has short hair and I don't

20. How do you know mommy/daddy love you?

Mom: cuz you hug me - all the time (hopefully this makes up for my skill at yelling ;)

Dad: he tells you

22. Where is mommy’s/daddy's favorite place to go?

Mom: to see Tito and Tata's house (this is my brother and his wife. I would say the bookstore or the beach)

Dad: the park

23. Who is your favorite person in the whole world?

Tata's new baby (my new niece - she's a week old...whom she's never met :)

24. What is one thing you would change about mommy/daddy?

Mom: make your hair short

Dad: make him a girl like me

25. What do you like about Gray?

That he's my little brother

26. What don't you like about Gray?

That he hits me (do you see a pattern?)

27. What do you want to be when you grow up?

a doctor for kids (YES!)

28. why do you think writers should market their books?

so people wil buy them (she really said this :) It was not a plant.

29. lastly, what are your favorite books?

yours (confession - i almost cried. too bad she's not an agent :)

DONT FORGET: Monday, we have Laini Taylor, author of Blackbringer :)

A Slew of Friday Fives - A 5 year old's Word to the Wise

First Things First

I want to thank WOOF for the Premio Dardos award. This award is given to acknowledge blogs that have cultural, ethical, literary and personal values. (Really? I do that?) The award honors favorite blogs for reaching out to readers of all generations who encourage self-awareness, good will, and literacy throughout the world. (Me?)

The rules are:1) Accept the award by posting it on your blog with a link to the grantee. 2) Pass the award to other blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgement and let them know they've been selected.

School Library Journal Fuse 8 (Elizabeth Bird)

Young Adult Library Service Association (YALSA)

Galley Cat (Ron Hogan)

Alice Pope (CWIM)

Jane Friedman (Writers Digest/No Rules)

Marketing Tip: 5 ways to cause Blog Traffic Jams (BTW you want those!)

1. Comment on other blogs. Yes, that goes for all you lurkers. We can't visit you if you don't tell us who you are! :)
2. Create Blog rolls to your favorite blogs. Not only do people come to your blog to read about you, they can also use your bog as a resource "rest stop"
3. Post frequently. Keep it fresh. Don't let people come several times without an update. They will get bored.
4. Check your stats and see what is popular and where people come from. It helps you keep your blog topics on target with your readers.
5. Be courteous and respectful. Remember this is not a diary - people will read it. Does not mean you can't be honest. But be aware of your wording.

Don't forget: My Marvelous Marketer for Monday is Martha Mihalick from Greenwillow!

A 5 year old's Word to the Wise. (yes she is 5 now *sigh*)

Words she's trying to use:

1. Compromise (Mommy mommy, lets comprise. Ill have fruit And cookies)
2. Consequence (So if I don't take a bath, will there be a consequence?)
3. Distracting (Mommy! Gray is distract me! I cant think.)
4. Disgusting (Blah, that's gigusting)
5. Exhausted (It's been a long day. I'm just e-zausted)

Things she says that touch my heart:

1. "Mommy, I wrote a book for you!" (music to my ears)
2. "I hope you feel better. Can I get you some water?" (all at once now....aaahhhhhhhh!)
3. "Can I sell cookies and give money to the firemen? Not all of it, but like...a dollar?"
4. "When I go to sleep, I think of the beach."
5. "How come I never see a rainbow? Am I not magic enough?"

Naughty words she's found a word for:

1. Butt - bum bum
2. sucks - stinks
3. OMG - oh my giddy aunt (my hubby is British)
4. Damn - Crumbs (again British)
5. hate - don't like

Have a good weekend! ;)

Mommy-For-A-Day

My 5 year old got in trouble yesterday for a laundry list of things. It just was not her day.

One of those days where she decided to whine, hit her little brother, yell, throw fits, not eat her fruit, ignore us, and not do her normal 5 year old chores.

What really bothered me was that she was complaining about her life. After Christmas and right before her birthday. She tried to tell me how unfair her life is.

At 5!

"I never get to do that ....., How come I don't get this......, It isn't fair sometimes."

So in my brilliant Mommy ways - I cane up with a new idea to discipline her in stead of the "not really working anymore" time-out.

"Today - you are in boot camp. You are going to be mommy for a day and see how hard it is compared to what you do. You will do laundry, make my your brother's bottles, clean up house, and load dishwasher."

To my surprise, she yelled, "Awesome!"

My little girl stepped up to the plate and hit it out of the park.

She folded laundry without complaining, fed the dog, told me I couldn't have a snack until 10 am, made me take quiet time (aaahhhhhh!) put her brother in time out, and unloaded the dishwasher!

And all without one complaint. She actually enjoyed it.

I was amazed and started thinking "Am I missing out on all the Mommy fun?"

Needless to say at the end of the day, she asked "Mommy can I do it for a week?"

So yes, my plan backfired.

My daughter loved being Mommy-for-a-Day, she didn't mind doing things around the house, and now she wants to do it for a whole week!

Yikes!

Then again, maybe to my benefit.

Can I put my 5 year old to work in the house without DFAC calling? It is against any labor laws since she is WAY below 16.

I don't know and honestly don't care.

Not only have I realized that sometimes I forget the joy in being a mommy and taking care of my kids.

But now, I just realized I may not have to do laundry anymore. :)

I have a 5 year old Mommy that is willing to do it!

The Problem with Owning Your Own Elf

Marketing Tip of The Day: Know your Audience (published or pre-published)

• about 3/4s of juvenile books are bought by people ages 25-49 (don't forget to also market to adults)
• 41% of items purchased on Internet are books making them the most popular online purchase (yes you need to do Online marketing)
• 115 is the number of new, independent bookstores that opened in 2007. (utilize booksense.org)

I bought Elf on a Shelf for my kids last weekend (really my daughter, my son is only 18 months so what does he know right?).

The elf set comes with a book and a small elf. The premise?
Be good? Santa's Nice list.
Be bad? Santa's Naughty list.

No matter what - the ELF tells Santa all each night.

My daughter loves it.

Bonus #1 - The joy of bribery
Any bribe that gets kids to behave - is a great buy in my opinion. I can use it not only for my kids but for their friends at play dates. Excellent. It'll at least get me through the holidays. Hopefully, I'll get totally lucky and they'll come out with one for every month, every holiday. A groundhog, a heart, a bunny, anything to avoid the potential fits.

Bonus #2 - Secret Wishes
I get to hear my kid whisper wishes. Its amazing what she will ask for. yesterday I heard her ask for our dog back. he died last spring. broke my heart.

Bonus #3 - Magic of Christmas
I get to see the magic in her eyes every time she finds him. I love being a witness to her pure innocence. She really believes that the elf is there to report to Santa. It makes the holidays magical for her and me.

Now for the problems....

Problem #1 - You have to name it.

Why my daughter chose Winko is beyond me. What ever happened to Bob or fluffy. Winko? Now when she tells people, they look at me like I made the suggestion. I didn't - I wanted Herbie or Dopey.

Problem #2 - Unrealistic expectations
Since my daughter is telling him her wishes, she actually thinks she is going to get a treehouse, a trombone, and a car. Oh, the disappointment!

Problem #3 - The biggest problem of all!
You have to rehide it every night.

Actually - that is not the real problem.

The real problem? I have to remember. One more thing for me to remember besides lunches for the morning.

The first night - I (and my hubby-in-crime) failed miserably. We totally forgot. The elf is supposed to leave the house, report to Santa, and then return in a different place.

Why?

To be funny. To be cute. To make you find him. Because he is magical. Because he can fly.

All slightly annoying.

So what happened? My daughter wakes up to the "elf on the same shelf!" Disaster!

"Mommy, why didn't the Elf move?"

"Uh, maybe he was tired."

"Maybe he didn't go see Santa."

"No, I'm sure he did. Maybe he forgot."

"Maybe he is broken."

"He's not broken honey. We probably just up too early and he hadn't moved yet."

"Maybe he isn't magic and can't fly."

"I'm sure he can fly. Maybe he just likes that spot. Maybe he wants to stay there."

"Well, that stinks!"

Great, I've damaged my daughter once again.

Later, when she went into her room to get something.

I rush around to reverse the psychological damage. I grab the elf off his crummy shelf and try to stick him on the plant. But he falls off.

I jam him on the counter but he flops over.

I swing him up onto fan just as I hear my daughter coming down the hall.

I mean the stress of it all. The total anxiety.

As she rounds the corner, I slip into my room and pretend I am folding clothes (something I don't do often).

Mommy! Mommy! Winko moved! He is magic! He's just sneaky!

Whew! Another disaster contained.

What do Balls, Porcupines, Shiners, Santa, Spot the dog, A Sponge, and Aminals all have in common?

My daughter!

I don't write in journals anymore. Used to all the time. Now it is either play with kids, love on hubby, write my book, or blog. I don't even watch T/V. anymore (What?! My friends are having a heart-attack right now.)

A few things have happened to my daughter over the last few weeks that I want too record.

So I figured, why not share them with you all?

Of course they are mommy praises. Today is about my littlish girl who is getting biggish as we speak.

Her night-time fairy (attribute to new YA book "How to ditch your fairy) must be the "growing fairy" because I swear, each morning she wakes up smarter, taller, and funnier. What in the world happens during the night? Maybe that's why I seem to look older each morning. (Note to self: Ditch own growing fairy for new younger one)

1) What a ball-
My daughter just finished her soccer season. Total goals: 11, total fits: 1, total face plants: 3.
Last week, she had her awards ceremony. I cannot imagine how Michael Phelps mother felt when he won 8 gold metals. Because the minute they called her name at the award ceremony, I burst into tears. Got the whole thing on tape. You would have thought it was the Olympics. Of course, every kid gets a medal which I personally love. When the coach hung the sparkly medal around her neck, he actually said, "Now, here's one with natural talent." I was so proud I wanted to cheer but felt the need to be the star's humble mother. Then as she walked towards me she held up the metal just like Michael Phelps, beamed a huge sparkly smile, and actually said, 'Mommy, now I'm like Michael Phelps.

2) No Porcupines here
Last week, my daughter came home from school. "Mommy, Hannah told a Porcupine today" (my British hubby calls lies...porcupies). "She told me that her mommy has eyes in the back of her head. That's not true, wite mommy?" Now part of me wanted to say, "you're right sweetie. humans only have 2 eyes." But in that moment. I said. "I don't know, I think alot of moms have eyes in the back of their heads. They see everything." She just gave me her bulgy eyed stare and said, "That's amazing." I giggled as I left the room. It's funny how kids take everything so literal. At this age, they will believe anything. Which is why I tell her everyday I am "super mommy." It'll only be so long until she sees the real truth. I'm just a regular ole mom in a crappy disguise.

3) A Shiner of a day
My daughter came home with her first shiner. :( I gasped when she walked in the house. Her eye bruised and puffy. I ran to her side. "What happened!?" She was so calm, "I bonked my eye on the monkey bars when I was doing a trick." I realized in that moment, that you cannot protect your kid forever. It's scary to me that someday they are on their own with no one to stop a fall, protect their feelings, or tell them what to say. As I fussed over her eye and inspected it throughly for scarring, vision impairment, and permanet eye damage. Do you know what she said: "It's OK mommy. It's just a part of life." ugh :0O

4)Santa's got a big problem
Santa better get a move on this year because I am in trouble! A new bar has been set. Are you all ready for my daughter's humble list? A treehouse like Bindi the jungle girl (Steve Irwin's daughter), a trombone and drums, a real car, and a cupcake maker. What a list? Last year it was a trampoline. Try putting that thing together at midnight with a flashlight (thanks to hubby! who sucked it up after spinal surgery. What a man.) This is the first year,I realize that she can't be persuaded (manipulated or bribed) to pick out something convenient that I want to give her. Oi! Santa (hubby) better get busy on the treehouse. Lord knows what will happen with the trombone, a car is out of the question (even at 16) so I guess I'll just get the cupcake maker. Though I am not sure why we just cant use the oven.

5) Spot is in the house
My daughter is starting to rea! Granted she looks at the pictures and partially guesses the words. But hey, you gotta start somewhere. She is sounding out letters and forming words. She is trailing her finger along the page like the little red bouncy ball on Sesame Street pointing out every word. Her teacher told me she is actually reading See Spot Run. I am amazed at how fast she grows up. In addition, she knows all her months, days of the week, sings this little light of mine with motions, and can say "consequence"

6 My little sponge
My daughter picks up the darnest things. My babysitter comes over the other day. My daughter asks "who did you vote for?" babysitter laughs and says "I don't know if I should say". My daughter says: "Oh, then you must have voted for McCain." Where does she get this stuff? Oh yeah, from me! I love seeing myself thru her eyes. And I might add, I can be quiet funny and smart, accroding to her copycat phrasing. Anything I say, even if it is once, my daughter soaks it up and uses it within a few days, and uses it properly. One day, she passed a big dog and said "that dog is as big as a horse." My babysitter said, "Gee, that' s pretty big." My daughter says: "You know its' just an expression of speak." Hilarious. I wish I could carry (and have everyone else who comes in contact with her) a tape recorder. These things are classic.

7) Aminals on the loose
I love it when my daughter says words slightly incorrectly and I hate it when adults try and correct her. I used to do this to my best friend's little girl (who I now apologize to profusely) before I had kids. My daughter's classic words that I will forever cherish (just to name a few): aminal (Animal), hurted, wite (right?), posed so (suppose so), sketti (spaghetti). Her 1/2 English accent makes it all so much cuter.

That's it for now. Back to work. Busy week...

Would love to hear some of your stories? What words did your kids say when they were little?

TTFN!