Follow-up Post: Bonds that Make us Free

Some of my personal thoughts, stream of consciousness style, on forgiveness, spurred by C. Terry Warner's book, Bonds that Make us Free.

Just because I know I should forgive doesn't make it easy.  There is a stark difference between a change of mind and a change of heart.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ declared:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  Matthew 5:38-44

I realized recently that I believe these words- with all that I am.  They resonate deeply within me.  And I think now I am beginning to understand why.  So long as my concern is in protecting myself, I cannot freely love.  This does not mean allowing myself to be abused, because that would be collusion.  What it does mean is that when I have the Spirit, and when I love others deeply, I will not act wrongly toward them.  I will desire their eternal joy, which will in turn be my greatest protection and facilitate their greatest opportunity to be kind and truthful- because kindness cleaveth unto kindness, and light unto light.

Truly loving others doesn't mean being a martyr, it means seeing and treating others as the children of God that they are.  It means frankly forgiving, and following the guidance of the Spirit to help set them up for eternal success.  When we live in constant fear that others will hurt us, we are almost asking them to.  But when we expect others to live up to their divine potential, they may actually do so- and because we are following the Savior, we will be placing ourselves in the best possible position to be warned of and protected from evil.

Don't count the cost of kindness- just do it.  In the long run it does make sense, and of course it does- it's a divine commandment, but don't wait for an apology or complete understanding of all the reasons.  Just Forgive.

Doctrine and Covenants 50:24

Sources of Light

Nigh upon the rocky coast, there lives a stalwart soul

beloved by so many for his quintessential role.

Few have ever seen his face, and yet they all still know:

If direction they are seeking, toward his residence to row.

Lustrous light he beams; for all to see in every hour.

To warn approaching seamen of the rocks that would devour.

Though ever bright and constant the keeper's flame doth shine

other lights, he knows, have fought to keep the boats in line.

Those lights he won't extinguish, as he beckons through the foam;

for he honors each and every source that helps to bring men home.

Note: text written at 6am...infer what you will. :-)

Ether 12:27

Minutes pass by, unencumbered

wishing, wasting, waiting.

certain that no deed of now

could be worth work of baiting

a humble jolt of realization

deadens all my senses;

understanding apathy

was under good pretenses

yet pretense doesn't mitigate

erosion of the soul

and realization can't reform

and make what's empty full

diligence and patience

contradict, yet must be married

silence isn't peace

for those who long have tarried

weakness; clarity of fault

can languish into shame

or, humbly, bow and be raised up

with joy in each refrain

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

A few years ago, I was introduced to this clip, Advice from Elder Busche.  It's been a constant favorite of mine, and something that brings me great strength and peace.

Until a few days ago, I had never actually looked up the talk that this came from.  Turns out it was from a BYU Devotional in 1996, Unleashing the Dormant Spirit.  I've been studying it over the past week, and wanted to share some of the thoughts I've learned.

First, "nothing really matters unless we take the Holy Spirit as our guide and avoid being deceived. "  This is, or ought to be, a guiding principle in our lives: unless we can discern between the Holy Ghost and Satan (Good and Evil), we really have no solid foundation for our actions.

So how do we make this judgement?  Elder Busche recommends that we apply Luke 14:33. (Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.)  In his own words, Elder Busche suggests that if we can reply according to the following, we know we are following the Holy Spirit: "Yes.  I am a disciple of Christ.  I'm willing to sacrifice my own will, my habits, attitudes, and selfish desires, and endure the hurt and pain that such reflections cause, and bring to him as a sacrifice a broken heart and meek spirit."

Once we have figured out how to discern the Spirit, Elder Busche reminds us of the importance of being under its influence.  "None of us has enough wisdom, enough intelligence, enough knowledge, enough skills, or enough courage, by ourselves, to master our lives and even to succeed in life unless we learn what it means to surrender ourselves into the arms of the Lord and be filled with the Spirit.  He wants to empower us with the gifts that he has promised to give to each of his disciples who has made sacred covenants with him."

One of the beautiful aspects of the Spirit is that is changes not only what we do, but how we do it.  "...under the influence of the Spirit we act in wisdom.  We see the complexity of a problem in its simple parts, and we see the possible solutions unfolding in front of our eyes- to our own surprise. ...Our creativity is developed and multiplied.  That which is a burden without it becomes a privilege when we are under the influence of the Holy Ghost."

A bit later on in the devotional, Elder Busche makes a connection between the Holy Spirit and humility that was especially striking to me.  He explains that, essentially, sin is any time that we are not acting under the complete influence of the Spirit- which is something that happens every day!  So, when we recognize our potential, our responsibility, as disciples of Christ to be under the constant guidance of the Spirit, and then recognize that we cannot possibly attain that on our own, we are able to cultivate humility: a recognition of our weaknesses and a beautiful and bright hope in the redeeming power of grace. As he says, "Seeing ourselves in our full responsibility means also seeing ourselves in our weakness, in our lost opportunities, in our failures- which makes us humble and meek.  We see the necessity to enter into a covenant with the author of life, to activate the atoning blood of Christ to wash us clean, and to embrace, gratefully, the gracious gifts of the Holy Ghost for our essential empowerment."

After we recognize the deep need we have for the influence of the Spirit in our lives, Elder Busche discusses why we don't always have it's companionship.  Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: desire.  "All of our life's actions are the result of our desires."  We must desire- more than anything, more than life itself -to be under the complete influence of the Spirit.  Elder Busche counsels that we must organize and categorize our desires in our prayers in order for the Spirit to take us seriously.  

I love his words near the end: "When the Light of Christ is able to penetrate our hearts, prompted by the enlightened testimony of truth by a focused teacher, it will cause in us an awakening, an awakening of the real me, the child of God, so that we can learn to channel our desires to focus on our true needs."

Our true needs.  Our innermost desires to return to and become like our Heavenly Father, and to feel of his constant peace and love.  When I am closest to my Heavenly Father, this is what I desire more than anything.  I don't always feel it as strongly as I would like, but I relish in the moments that I do.

It reminds me of when the Savior came to visit the Nephites.  The account tells that the people prayed for what they "most desired"- that the Holy Ghost should be given to them.  

Our physical wants and needs often get in the way of this- as does our laziness, apathy, and pride.  But when it comes down to it, I sincerely hope that I can be humble enough, aware enough of who I truly am, to counsel with my Heavenly Father, heed his Holy Spirit, and rejoice in the glory of the Atonement that allows me to become so much more perfect than I could ever be on my own.  

John 14:27

Before Christ left his disciples, he promised them the Gift of the Holy Ghost, a spirit that would reside with them to teach, comfort, and communicate in behalf of Jesus Christ.

After speaking of this gift, Christ tells them: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Today we are blessed with this same gift.  All of us are able to feel the promptings of the Spirit, and those who have been baptized and received the gift of the Holy Ghost are promised constant companionship (so long as our side of the bargain is upheld).  We can feel the peace left to us by the Savior.  Our hearts need not be troubled or afraid, because we place our trust in the one who knows us better than any other- because he has felt our sorrows and borne the burden of our sins.  And he, who knows better than anyone the weight of the world, promises us that it's going to be okay- we can be at peace.

I choose to believe that.

Agency and Happiness

2 Nephi 10: 23

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves-to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life."

I had an interesting realization this morning: Agency is often the greatest source of happiness in this life.  Why?  Because we can choose.  We can choose what lifestyle we want, and the blessings associated with living a healthy, active, and restful life.  We can choose how to react to the circumstances around us- we can choose to be cheerful.

Too often we consign ourselves to our bad circumstances, explaining that we had a bad day because we didn't do so well on a test, got in a fight with our roommate, or whatever.  What we're really saying, though, is that our reactions to those events made us unhappy.  It is important to allow ourselves to feel- even when that's sad, hurt, or angry.  Those feelings tell us that something is up- that we didn't like the way we were treated (and thus shouldn't treat others that way), that we are disappointed about an outcome (and might need to study harder or alter our expectations in the future), or something else.  But it's what we do next that matters.  If we allow ourselves to see the incident through the lens of the eternal plan of happiness, we can learn to approach our lives a little differently.  We can use experiences of hurt to learn, and thus to become more completely the divine sons and daughters that our Heavenly Father knows we can be.

Even though it is often the agency of others that hurts us deeply, it is that same agency that enables us to be wonderful, blessed people anyway.

On hoping for a Liahona

This morning in studying the Book of Mormon I came across a passage of scripture I've read dozens of times:

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord spake unto my father by night, and commanded him that on the morrow he should take his journey into the wilderness.

And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass.  And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 9-10 

For all the times I've read this, I never before made the connection between these two verses.  I recognize that this is my own interpretation, but here's what I realized:

The Liahona, the "ball of curious workmanship" that became so essential in leading Lehi's family to "the more fertile parts of the wilderness", only became available to Lehi after he had followed the divine counsel to begin their journey into the wilderness.

I'm fictionalizing a bit here, but this is sort of what I imagine it was like...

One night, as Lehi is preparing for bed, he receives a strong prompting that tomorrow the family needs to begin their journey.  As the night wears on, Lehi speaks with Sariah about it, and they make plans to prepare the family for the next day's journey.  They were likely uncertain where exactly they were going, but nonetheless knew that they needed to go.

The next morning, after Lehi and Sariah likely had to fight off many doubts and fears, they are blessed with a divine instrument that shows them each day where to go.  It is so clearly a direct reward for their faith and immediate action.  But even the Liahona works "after the manner of their faith".  The scriptures imply that they would wake up in the morning and look to see which way the arrow was pointing- never really knowing from one day to the next where they were to go.

Bottom line: We are blessed for acting on faith.  When Lehi chose to follow the Lord's counsel to journey into the wilderness, he had no idea that he would be blessed with the Liahona.  Often, we want to know everything about a decision before making it- we strive to be logical, rational creates.  But the truth is, often Father has incredible blessings in store that we can't even imagine, and we won't ever know about until we act and move forward in faith.  Think about how much easier it would have been for Lehi if he had known about the Liahona- "Oh, I'm going to have a magic compass to tell us where we should travel?  That sounds great!  Lets go!".  Or, more practically in modern times...imagine how much more willing we would be to act on faith if we knew the blessings associated with it... "Oh, going to this grad school will enable me to provide for my family and have more missionary opportunities?  Of course I'll go!" or "Picking up and moving in the middle of high school will enable me to meet my best friend?  That sounds great!"  or  "If I make time to have that hard discussion with _____, it will help them get back on the right path?  Perfect!"

Moving forward in faith is hard.  It just is.  But sometimes we have to remember that it's not that specific choice we need to have faith in- it's our Heavenly Father.  We need to trust that He does in fact know what is best for us, and He he loves us perfectly.  And, because of both His perfect love and perfect knowledge, He knows the best blessings to give us.  But we have to want them enough to trust Him, listen, and act.

the little things

Sometimes the simplest things make me happy.  Actually, it's almost always the simplest things.  And that's just the way it was intended.

"Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.  And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise bringeth about the salvation of many souls." Alma 37:6-7

And today, it was those simple things.

inspired church meetings of teaching and peace
those few warm hours before the snow hit
a beautiful world covered in white
grateful words
fun and successful cooking endeavors
roommates I love and feel comfortable around
crater cupcakes
visiting teachers that I actually like!
the vicarious joy of a distant friend who found love
learning to dream
hope for the future

Tomorrow, I hope I can remember to appreciate the little things.

Because even though I didn't get to stay up all night and watch movies, I'm grateful that I can laugh about it with those I love.

A Gratitude Experiment

I've learned a lot about gratitude lately,  most notably how to recognize and be grateful for the things that are really important.  Often, that comes in the form of recognizing the hand of God in my life.  True gratitude is born in the moments when I realize that those I surround myself with are really excellent people who love me deeply- whether that be friends, family, strangers, or deity.  It's never really things that provide the joy that leads to gratitude (or vice versa), but what those things mean or symbolize because of their connection with people.

So, for the next twenty-two days, I'm going to pay more attention to these meaningful experiences in my life, articulating and documenting how they have touched and changed my life.

Day 1:
Today I want to express my gratitude for scriptures that contain the Word of God.  I am so grateful for the Old and New Testaments, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrine and Covenants.  I've struggled with consistent scripture study off and on in my life, but I've noticed that I feel the most grounded, blessed, and loving when I make daily study in the holy scriptures a priority.  I know that in these sacred texts I can and do find eternal truths that help guide and direct me in my life.  Through the scriptures, I am reminded that I am eternally loved by my Heavenly Father (see John 15: 9-15).  I learn that service is the greatest sign of love, and that the best leaders teach through example (see Mosiah 2:12-18).  When I am out of sorts, I can remember through the scriptures that love, kindness, meekness, forgiveness, and childlike qualities are the basis of goodness- not anger, resentment, bitterness or harsh words (see Luke 6:31-35 and Mosiah 3:19).  The scriptures provide stories of great women and men whose examples I can emulate (Abish, Moroni, Jacob, Mary, Emma, Moses).  And most importantly, they teach of the merciful, just, and infinite Atonement of our Savior, through which we are forgiven, healed, and perfected (see Atonement).

Glimpses into the scriptures remind me that life is about more than our school, job, athletic achievements, and even intelligence.  Life is about learning, growing, and enduring challenges well.  Some of the most stalwart disciples and incredible people in this life have not accomplished much by the world's standards, but they have grown into the type of person a Heavenly Father can be proud of.  The scriptures tell the stories of these people.

I am grateful for the hundreds of generations of work and sacrifice that have gone into the writing, preservation, and translation of the scriptures I can now access through tangible books, on my computer and phone, and through various languages and printings (like the Arabic and 1860 versions on my bookshelf at home).  It is such a blessing that I can study these pages at will, and that I can be blessed by their divine spirit and content daily.

The Master Healer

Note: This post is highly personal. All are welcome to read it, I would just add a respectful reminder that I do not talk about my beliefs to preach or indoctrinate others, but rather to share some of what is most sacred to my heart.

"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

In Sunday School today we were discussing Christ's visit to the Americas in 3 Nephi. The teacher invited us to ponder on what we would do in that situation. It's a soul searching question.

In chapter 17, He heals all of the people, those that were afflicted in any manner. I know many that are hurting, that are wounded. Some of the pain is physical, but the more pervasive wounds that I know of are the emotional, mental, and spiritual ones. This is that pain that aches deep inside, the kind that we don't know a way out of.

There are a number of people in my life right now who are experiencing all sorts of pain. My heart aches for them. Possibly because I understand to some degree what it means to hurt. Or in part because I see a small part of their suffering, and know that there is so much more I can't see. I want to heal their wounds, to make them whole...but I can't. Not truly.

Which is how I know that, were the Savior to come to my home, my greatest desire would be to take him to those that are hurting, to have him administer to their needs in ways that I never could. I would want him to make them whole.

The Savior isn't physically here today, but that doesn't mean he isn't with us. Over the past year I have learned firsthand how deeply He cares for me, and how many of my wounds he can heal through faith and prayer. It isn't the same as having him physically with me, but it's also not as if he has abandoned me. It takes more faith, more patience, and more trust- but all of that is part of the experience of mortality. We are here to learn, but we are not here because we are intended to hurt forever. There is a way for us to have healing. There is a way to experience joy, love, and continual hope. He is the way.

And I am so, so grateful for it.

mid-week mind-shift

I have to admit, this week it's been hard to focus on the positive.  After a weekend of over a dozen hours of listening to Moby Dick, I faced a week of 3 papers to write, 2 midterms to take, and an entire class of papers to grade.  That, coupled with the fact that I'm flying home on Friday to spend the weekend in a whirlwind of wedding and family events- and thus no weekend time to catch up on school and work.

And when I get overwhelmed, the most important things drop out and I can't seem to do anything but find (and create) negative thoughts.  It's a terrible cycle.

So this morning, in the midst of a head full of negative thoughts and attitudes, I decided I'd better at least make an effort to "act, and not be acted upon" [See 2 Nephi 2:26].  On my way to class, I pulled out my phone and started reading where I'd left off in the Gospel of Mark.  I wasn't reading with the best intent, but I was at least making an effort.  

When I arrived at class, I soon found out that class was cancelled.  Initially, I was upset at my professor for not informing us ahead of time, but then checked myself and realized I was very grateful for the opportunity to spend that extra hour writing my paper.  So I packed up my bag and headed home.

On the walk home, I passed a lot of people.  One young man had a wonderful, sincere smile on his face.  I gave him a funny sort of look, to which he continued to return a smile.  Finally I smiled in return, and his face softened a bit, as if to say, "I know you're feeling down, so I want to show you some kindness".  It was such a little thing, but it softened my heart.

A few minutes later, my dear friend Hannah called me to say hi for just a few minutes.  She reminded me that I am loved, cared for, and thought about.  It was a lovely surprise and blessing.

And so, with all of these reminders and blessings, I want to conclude with a greater determination to notice the small and simple goodness in our lives every day.  Because, as Elder Carl B. Cook reminded us last October, "It's better to look up".

Today, I am grateful for:

-Brisk fall weather that leaves the trees an array of brilliant colors and the sky full of clouds

-Cancelled class that gives me more time to count my blessings and finish my homework

-Sweet roommates with cool ideas and gentle, kind words

-A call from Hannah to remind me that I am remembered

-The opportunity to go home and share important events with friends and family

-The technology that allows me to do research, both secular and spiritual, from virtually anywhere

-Music to calm my spirit and my nerves

-A gospel perspective that provides hope, truth, and light even (and especially) in the darkest of times

Optimism & Ethical Phenomenology

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have charity, what it means to be happy.  Two things I learned today have helped with that.

Optimism

Today a devotional was given in which the speaker outlined five ways to be positive in a negative world.  I was a little skeptical at first, but I loved his approach on what is most important.

1) Remember that righteousness does not mean perfection.  

He told a story of how once his daughter heard him say a "bad word".  She ran to mom and said, "I thought dad was perfect!".  The mother, in her wisdom, said, "Dad isn't perfect, but he is righteous."  And that is enough.

2) Life is really hard, but keep trying anyway.

Sometimes all we can do is get back up-even though we know how easily everything can be pulled out from under our feet again.  He quoted one of my favorite verses of scripture as well, Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

3) Keep your eyes on Heavenly Father.

He told a beautiful story about his daughter being put out for surgery, and how she looked into his eyes and listened to his calming voice as the anesthesiologist administered the drug and she eventually faded away.  This reminds us that our Heavenly Father is always nearby- we need only look into his eyes and hear his voice.

4) Heavenly Father's approval is the only approval that matters.

When others' thoughts are what matter to us, often we don't live up to our potential.  We forget that our eternal Father is our loudest and most enthusiastic cheerleader- and it is only His approval that will matter in the eternities.  Those who truly love you will seek to help you gain His approval by aligning their ideals with His, not by forcing their own upon you.

5) Look for and remember the true joy in our lives.

This was perhaps the most poignant point for me.  He talked about keeping a daily journal, and how daunting that can seem.  But then he noted that President Henry B. Eyring once talked about how he wrote just a few lines in his journal every night by answering this one question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”  It is in those moments- the moments when we recognize divine inspiration in the form of tender mercies, humor, or promptings to help others- that we experience true joy.  And looking back at those moments will help us to remember that we aren't left alone- there is always something in our lives that reminds us of our loving Father who watches over and cares for us.  It is so easy to forget, and so difficult to remember.

Ethical Phenomenology

A few hours later, in class, we discussed Ethical Phenomenology, a perspective championed by Emmanuel Levinas that holds that our values and ethics are the most important part of our existence.  From this perspective:

1) It is our nature to care for and be responsible for one another.
2) It is our infinite responsibility to care for one another, and we are reminded of this by the distinct and unique faces of those with whom we interact.
3) We can betray our inherent goodness, but it will always be a betrayal.

I love this idea, because I believe it is very true and fundamental.  We are responsible for how we interact with others, and when we follow the divine example of our Savior, we learn the importance of caring for each person around us, because they are our spirit brothers and sisters.  This is no small calling.  And I would propose that, through our world of distant relationships that occur over telephone, texting, and the internet, we so easily lose sight of the true humanity of those around us.  It is so much harder to deny the needs of a person when you are sitting face to face with them than over the phone or email.  It is so much easier to be self-centered, self-focused, and egoistic when real human interactions with others are rare.  I would purport that social interaction isn't just a fun part of the way we are wired as humans, but the way in which we connect with and meet the needs of others- for whom we have a fundamental responsibility.

Now, I don't mean to say that we should sacrifice our own health and sanity to do this.  In fact, as my sweet boyfriend reminded me this weekend, doing so is actually just as selfish as not helping in the first place, because we must be able to take care of ourselves to the extent that we aren't depending on someone else to come pick our neglected pieces and put us back together.  We all do the best we can with ourselves, while remembering that we are a universal human family with responsibilities to love and care for one another.  We do this first and foremost within our families, and then, as time and means permit, we reach out to those in our communities and around the world.  But we are deceiving ourselves if we think our sole responsibility is to ourselves.  We are here to love and serve one another, just as we have seen exemplified in the loving sacrifice and service of our Heavenly Father and our Elder Brother.

So those are my thoughts for today.  It's been a good day for pulling together ideas that have been in my head for ages, and it feels relieving to write them down.  I love learning things that help me develop my worldview in ways that are more and more consistent with the way things really are, and in ways that will help me to be a better sister, friend, girlfriend, daughter, and child of God.

Feedback confessional

One of the things that is really important to me is feedback- and I'd argue that it's important to all of us.  Whether it's feedback from things, ourselves, deity, or those around us, it's important.  In fact, in some aspects of the military, they break soldiers by just not giving them ANY feedback for a number of weeks.  No feedback ends up breaking people faster than even only negative feedback.

While negative feedback is important too, I strongly believe that reinforcement is much more effective than punishment.  And because giving negative feedback isn't usually what we struggle with, lately I've been working on the positive.  Silly things, it seems.  Calling a department store manager to let them know about a particularly helpful employee.  Filling out an online survey to point out someone who was doing a good job under pressure.  Letting those around me know I appreciate all the little things they do every day.  

It might seems silly- people tell me all the time that we shouldn't recognize people for normal things.  But I disagree.  If people are doing something good, even if it's normal for them, shouldn't it be recognized?  That's like saying we're only going to award good grades for students who were previously getting bad grades.  Improvement IS good, but it's not the only thing that deserves to be appreciated.  Those who have been working hard the whole time deserve recognition too.  

Yesterday, I was in Jamba Juice running an errand for my roommate.  It was CRAZY busy.  There was one girl who you could tell was new, and she was trying hard, but the pressure was getting to her.  She had a few minor slip-ups, and her boss was pretty condescending.  But she was working HARD and, despite the busyness, she delivered my order with a genuine smile.  And I really appreciated it.    

I strongly believe in feedback.  And I also believe in aiming to make our ratio of positive to negative feedback 5:1- in all aspects of life.  I don't want to be the person who only reports complaints.  I will report them when I have them, but until I do I'll focus on all of the good experiences.  I'm not saying we should make stuff up- I'm saying I want to notice the good more.  It's not that it's not there- I think I just take it for granted.  And happiness doesn't come from things getting better- it comes from realizing how great things really are.

Post Script: I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on this.  The more I think about it, though, the more the I realize that I want this to be one of the overriding philosophies of my life.  I want to show people that I appreciate them for all of the good things, and then deal with the bad when they come up- with kindness and a greater outpouring of love. [see Doctrine and Covenants 121: 41-45]

'of one accord'

This may be my new favorite scripture on things related to romantic and marital relationships.  Enjoy.

Philippians 2:2-3
"Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. "

If a real, loving relationship is ever going to be possible, you can't live in the 50/50 mindset.  Each person has to give their full 100%, and trust each other enough to believe that the other is doing the same.  As long as you're looking at the relationship in terms of  what you can get out of it, you're never putting enough in.  When your primary concern isn't your partner's needs, but your own, neither of you will ever have those needs fulfilled.  It's a type of the Prisoner's Dilemma, really: the only way for both parties to have the best possible outcome is if they put the other person first.

It's hard and scary, putting your heart in someone else's hands.  You can be brutally hurt, abused, neglected, and mistreated in many ways- and people very often are.  It's the sad truth of the world that we live in.  But when you engage in a relationship where you and your partner love God enough to put the needs of the other first, service becomes cyclical and happiness runs rampant.  It really is the only way.  Build trust, yes.  Be discerning.  Be careful whose hands you place your precious heart in.  But once you know they can be trusted, once you seem the glimmer of goodness that makes you believe in them- go all in.  It is the route that has the greatest cost, but also the only one that will reap the full possibility of benefits.

Trust

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11-12).  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain... This life is an experience in profound trust-trust in Jesus Christ."

-Elder Richard G. Scott