Top Ten Cures for What Ails ye

(in no particular order)

1) Tenderness

2) Chocolate ice cream, preferably something of comparable potency with Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk or Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

3) A good comedy (I'm partial to Austin Powers I, Midnight Run and anything by Charlie Chaplin.)

4) Sea air

5) A walk around the block (or over to the barn, depending on your circumstances.)

6) Talking to a friend (with or without alcohol.)

7) Writing it all down in your journal

8) Music (sad, happy, loud, floatey, whatever you got)

9) Making something: a photograph, a cookie, a baby

10) Understanding

Ops Meeting Notes, November 24

The Deputy Assistant for Hair Whipping and Dairy Product Consumption begins the meeting by noting that she will require disbursement of additional funds (€ 1) for the upcoming Charismatic Transportation project (A.K.A the Field Trip.)

The Managing Director and Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee thanks the Deputy Assistant for her feedback and affirms that an R & D team will look into the matter. She then asks for updates from each unit.

The Vice Chair for Fried Foods and Belated Laundry Folding begins by noting some extant confusion in his department regarding use of the Cast Iron Pans. Is it the smaller one which is only for roasting, and if so, will the Managing Director please define "roasting"?
He also reports that Bed Sheet Replacement and Sanitation was completed at approximately 17:20 Sunday evening.

The Junior President in Charge of Kitty Litter and Chortling notes that, as the Deputy Assistant has yet to return her balloon, the Deputy Assistant will henceforth be referred to as "caca." Or possibly "lulu."

The Deputy Assistant registers an objection to this comment.

The Junior President continues, noting that the Second Undersecretary for Rodent Removal has been bathing in the toilet again.

The Second Undersecretary affirms this last, and adds that any and all household entities resembling mice--including shoestrings, wet sponges and the feet of the Junior President--have been warned to get out of town or face immediate Mexican drug cartel-style retribution.

Duly noted.

The Managing Director and Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee reports that the Holiday Celebration (i.e. Thanksgiving) will be downsized due to the absence of most of the usual suspects in the greater Vienna area.
She adds that "roasting" shall consist of, but not be limited to, preparation of onions, Grieskoch and pasta re-heats. She further notes all use of said pan is predicated on a mandatory and subsequent hydration process (i.e. "soaking.)
In addition, The Managing Director reports that immediate action is required on the Kitchen and Bathroom Sink Washer Replacement project, the Cellar Clearance and Moldy Furniture Destruction Initiative and the immanent Prague Visitation.

The Vice Chair inquires as to whether immediate action may be postponed until tonight after the Simpsons?

Meeting adjourns.

Subjects for Further Research: the Top Ten Community College Degrees I would attain If I were Stinking Rich

History
Research Question:
Why do we keep fucking up?

Film
Research Question:
Is it still possible to make a good film with both subtexts and blowjobs?

Economics
Research Question:
How do we stop the hurting?

Education
Research Question:
Why are teachers who can't listen to students allowed into the classroom?

International Relations
Research Question:
How can democracy defeat capitalism and save the world?

Graphic Design
Research Question:
In the age of iTunes and Pirate Bay, what will replace triple gatefold record album art?

Sociology
Research Question:
After Facebook, does anyone under 30 understand the concept of privacy?

Cultural Criticism
Research Question:
The Inuit have sixty words for snow-why do rock critics only know one way to say "knarly guitar solo"?

Social Work
Research Question:
In a world of rootless cosmopolitans, how can any of us remember who we are or where we came from?

Music Theory
Research Question:
What is the most ecstatic chord in existence?

sole freak

Looks like the financial system is still falling apart, and so is Sarah Palin. We've got a new President. But the big news around here is that Papa's got a brand new pair of shoes!

I told an Afghan colleague, and she smiled warmly. "I noticed--congratulations!" she said.

As a rule, I wear a pair of shoes until they fall off my feet. My Tommy Hilfigers are cleaved in the middle and look like coconuts about to crack. My other pair of sneakers have a cheese-shaped wedge worn out of the heels--they make me stand like a penguin.

Maybe I wear my shoes to death because my mom once told me my shoes were supposed to last me a full year? I dunno....

Anyway, as is always the case when I go shopping with Anette, I entered the premises wanting one new thing, and left with three. I even bought some shoe creme, and from now on, I'm going to take better care of all my shoes and boots. I will occasionally give that thirsty leather a nice cool drink.

Why do I avoid shopping for clothes? Is that a male thing? (Umm, yes.) I always feel very fancy indeed after I've made my multiple purchases. Once, when my wife was 'assisting' me in finding a winter coat, she pulled something off the rack and handed it to me. A long, gray polar bear pimp of a coat. I wrinkled up my nose and said, "Naaah, that'll make me look like a rock star." Twenty minutes later, after buying it, I was watching my new coat flap around my legs as I walked down the street, and I thought, 'Cool. This makes me look like a rock star!'

My new shoes just make me look gainfully employed. That's pretty exciting too.