Wednesday, September 12, 2018
#351 20s
First thing first, this won't be that continuation of Day6's review post I've always been talking about. I know this sounds like I'm making an excuse but my blogging mood has been very fluctuative to the extent I can't write about anything even if I want to. For some reasons I regret that I never shared stories about life lately, or thoughts, like I used to, but yeah... and that sucks.And this entry happens because I'm very intrigued by my own thoughts I have lately. This will be very personal and I don't know how far I'll be going but this might be long because my head is full and I just need to let everything out. It's a relief this page still exists. LOL.
Some people think when you reach 20 your life will get tiring. Slowly, but sure. You're getting old, "adulting", you need to stand on your feet alone, you have to face reality and shape your own future. Either you get job or continue pursuing higher degree in education, marry someone, have kids, or go with the flow while looking for your life goals. It's never an easy choice to make. I'm not trash-talking.
I'm in my middle 20s right now. It's unbelievable I overcame things I thought I couldn't in the past. I survived college, got my bachelor degree, even got a job in this area I've always been interested in. Sometimes I think how the hell I did everything. Most of the time I was unsure of myself and confused if I could do anything at all. I don't think I am a master of something. I'm not smart enough, not creative enough, not strong enough, basically I'm not enough. The only thing I have is a will to get better. My teen phase ended just like that, nothing special. I spent it being confused and angry because I didn't know what I'd do in the future, what I'd want to do. It was very hellish and I was disappointed at myself a lot. Imagine: you have to walk through the door of "adulting" with no purpose, no skills, not even confidence in yourself. That was the worst thing ever.
My expectations towards 20s life was bad, but then I realized later on that this is the start of everything. You ever heard people have their own pace and starting lines in their lives? Mine started at the age of 20. I had so many burdens in the past because I was never sure what I would do when I got older. As the time passes by and I get older, slowly but sure everything becomes clear in the palm of my hands. I just know what I'm gonna do. Things that worth the fight. People I can trust. People I look upon. People I cherish so much. Past to let go. Dreams. Place to go when I'm bored. Small things I can do to make my existence matter. My favorite music genre. Favorite movie directors. Books to read. Favorite writing-style. Things to say when I'm down. Songs I can play with my guitar. My favorite shades of lipstick. Slip-ons over flats. Sunset over sunrise. Bandung over everywhere else.
Every single thing. They all become very clear, and I don't know how to express how wonderful it is to know what you're after with those things in your head. It just feels like you've got that something you want to get, to pursue, and not just about how much you want to gain in your bank account every single month. It's absolutely more than that, a balance between how you see yourself and how you perceive the world you're living in. You Only Live Once, indeed. And I really want it to matter. Not only for me, but also for people around me. And I think that, is really one of the so-called Adulting Essentials.
P.S.: This quotations will live forever in me. Until then!
Labels: daily, daily life, rambling, random, rants
