i've always argued with some of my friends that being naturally pessimistic and slightly on the brink of depression are characteristics that i can't change about myself. i've never been convinced by anyone or any scenario that one can switch to being optimistic and generally happy just because one wants to. i can't seem to be able to control my thoughts, and even if i can stop myself from thinking of negative thoughts at some points in time, i can't help being generally unhappy and frustrated with life.
for me, life's challenges have always been mental. i'm seldom satisfied with whatever my life paths bring me to. in fact, this lack of satisfaction always makes me feel inferior about myself. its like, there is nothing much in my life that makes me feel proud of myself. there have been significant experiences that i take pride in, but nothing from the things that i treasure most in life.
i've never liked portraying myself as a strong woman who is work-oriented and independent. but to me, it is a mask that i put on because i dun ever want to be looked down upon. i've had my fair share of being ostracized just because i can't speak good english or because my family background is too humble for people's liking. and through my experiences when i was young, i slowly developed this fear of social experiences or public speaking. and i have to admit, i am a confused individual, cos on the one hand, i put on the mask of being strong and independent, but on the other hand, i always have this irrational fear of facing people and talking to them.
i am slowly learning, though my progress is too slow for my own liking. i still retreat into my own shell whenever i see that my confidence may be shattered by my own irrational fear. i immediately put on my protective gear when i am able to find an excuse to escape.
i do think i am improving. this blog is not half as emotional as my previous blog or even my entries a few years back. and i'm slowly trying to cope with the severe inferiority that hit me occasionally. i guess the lack of a love life is creating a lot of emotional roller coasters for me as well, but i'm slowly coping with it too. i guess if the time is not right, then so be it. it's not like my life's over because of that. in fact, i've been mentally preparing myself for being single and unwanted my whole life, and perhaps, that's how my life is meant to be. if it is, then i'm just making myself miserable by changing it, isn't it?
i guess time heals all wounds. the large gap you left when you decided to abandon our friendship is slowly closing up. i've never felt so hurt by someone's departure from my life, but that's just life. life brought me to a trough, and i'm hoping it will bring me up again. perhaps it is like sitting in a ferris wheel, when you're up there, you're too scared of heights to fully enjoy the scenery; but when you're rotated to the end of your ride, you blame yourself for not admiring the scenery when you were up there.
as i step into my next phase of life, which i will within the next few months, i know i will be judged by a separate yardstick altogether. it isn't a world i envy, but at least i know i have the capacity to fight for a better life myself. and to me, the best thing is that i can define the "better life" myself. i've been judged by my school results all my life because that's the "price" i have to pay for being dependent on my parents. now, i just want to be on my own, seeking my own life, making my own decisions without feeling accountable to anyone. it is perhaps tough, but definitely worth the try.
i guess i should stop complaining that my life is imperfect and stop envying the lives of other people. every single person should take our own unique path and reach our own destination, and in the process, admire and cherish the scenery that's right before your eyes. it's easier said than done, but i promise, i will try.