i think it's pms time again.
it has been a rather long time since i got so upset, almost tearing on my bus journey back, thinking and reflecting about my own life, my friendships etc.
as much as i'd like to be fair, sometimes i just can't. i'm really very disappointed. i guess people have to realise that life doesn't just revolve around their own decisions - their decisions affect the lives of other people around them too. sometimes it feels like i'm trying too hard, and begging people to get a response.
why am i on the losing end again? in the first place, why the hell am i in this situation?
i guess to many others, it's just a freaking stupid little thing. i am angry, but what can i do. i have a feeling i'm creating a mountain out of a molehill again. and that's why i dun want to talk to people about this.
how did i become so hateful? how did i become so sick of the world? i feel like re-living my entire life again. i am perhaps not the most unfortunate person around, but there's really nothing to look forward to, i have nothing under my name, there's no one i want to spend my life with, what kind of life should i be leading then? i'm just stuck in the middle, muddling through life, following the tried and tested ways - living my life just like how others want and expect me to live it. why do i have to work so hard to obtain a life that i dun even want?
i'm so used to abandonement - even my own family can do that to me. how then can i expect so much of others? damn it, why is it so hard to get some true love and concern? even love from one's family seems to be conditional on some other yardstick - money. so, is there nothing more important than that in this world?
for the first time, i'm gonna say, FML.
所有的灯 早已经全都熄灭
Sunday, September 12, 2010
my first.
haven't updated in a while, i guess my dull and boring life doesn't warrant any entry, but i thought i should just attempt to keep this place alive, though probably nobody reads it now.
school started, the hectic lifestyle has started, considering that i'm taking 5 mods + CP = 6 mods this sem. it's not as xiong as i thought it would be FOR NOW, since all projects plus CP haven't exactly started. i think it'll just get worse after the recess week.
it's scary how everyone is looking for jobs now. i seriously dun feel any motivation to start applying, but i know if i still resist it, i will eventually end up not going for job interviews at all. i dunno how others actually find the motivation to go for all the career talks and apply for all the programs. =(
and of cos tuition is providing me with almost a full-time job pay - quite nice to see the numbers in my bank account increasing as the weeks go by. but the busy schedule - 15 hours per week for both dylan and chelsea - will haunt me as the sem progresses. ah well, i shouldn't be complaining cos ultimately, my aim is to earn enough to finance any overseas trip that i want! plus my lasik surgery and iphone.=)
my gastric's been giving me problems again, but i suppose i have nobody to blame cos i haven't been having regular meals. i just hope it doesn't worsen.
and i shall say thank you to jess cynli ja and marcus for insisting on making me drunk. i'm just glad i got drunk with people i trust and dun mind them seeing me get crazy. the night was really hilarious, i concussed first - knowing fully what was happening around me, i just couldn't control my limbs and my speech. and i totally remember the rest laughing at me and asking me stupid questions, and then i went to puke, which was essentially the worst part of the night. (didn't help that i already puked half my dinner before i went over to his house. i puked the other half over there and cynli said after that that it looked like mud.) i was totally puking everything that i consumed only 5 mins ago.
and so, after the puking, i refused to drink anymore. the rest continued and the next to die was ja, who was REALLY hilarious. we all know now that she totally hates RED WINE. hahahah. and by then, i was awake enough to see ja die. the rest didn't essentially die, until we decided to go sleep and cynli just collapsed.
i just love how i dun have to act like someone i'm not in front of them. even though i'm SOOO different from them, and sometimes i wonder how i got close to them in the first place, they still accept me for who i am. i guess the best part is that they really opened my mind to a lot of things that i never thought were important in the past.
and i like the feeling of being slightly incontrollable actually. it's like, i can be incoherent, i can start laughing and crying at the same time, i can be rebellious, and everything seems to be justified under the influence of alcohol. now i know why people like to drink - people just laugh off the stupid things you do when you're drunk and that's why you can dun bother to control yourself when you're actually zonked. at the very least, it's a temporary release of emotions.
school started, the hectic lifestyle has started, considering that i'm taking 5 mods + CP = 6 mods this sem. it's not as xiong as i thought it would be FOR NOW, since all projects plus CP haven't exactly started. i think it'll just get worse after the recess week.
it's scary how everyone is looking for jobs now. i seriously dun feel any motivation to start applying, but i know if i still resist it, i will eventually end up not going for job interviews at all. i dunno how others actually find the motivation to go for all the career talks and apply for all the programs. =(
and of cos tuition is providing me with almost a full-time job pay - quite nice to see the numbers in my bank account increasing as the weeks go by. but the busy schedule - 15 hours per week for both dylan and chelsea - will haunt me as the sem progresses. ah well, i shouldn't be complaining cos ultimately, my aim is to earn enough to finance any overseas trip that i want! plus my lasik surgery and iphone.=)
my gastric's been giving me problems again, but i suppose i have nobody to blame cos i haven't been having regular meals. i just hope it doesn't worsen.
and i shall say thank you to jess cynli ja and marcus for insisting on making me drunk. i'm just glad i got drunk with people i trust and dun mind them seeing me get crazy. the night was really hilarious, i concussed first - knowing fully what was happening around me, i just couldn't control my limbs and my speech. and i totally remember the rest laughing at me and asking me stupid questions, and then i went to puke, which was essentially the worst part of the night. (didn't help that i already puked half my dinner before i went over to his house. i puked the other half over there and cynli said after that that it looked like mud.) i was totally puking everything that i consumed only 5 mins ago.
and so, after the puking, i refused to drink anymore. the rest continued and the next to die was ja, who was REALLY hilarious. we all know now that she totally hates RED WINE. hahahah. and by then, i was awake enough to see ja die. the rest didn't essentially die, until we decided to go sleep and cynli just collapsed.
i just love how i dun have to act like someone i'm not in front of them. even though i'm SOOO different from them, and sometimes i wonder how i got close to them in the first place, they still accept me for who i am. i guess the best part is that they really opened my mind to a lot of things that i never thought were important in the past.
and i like the feeling of being slightly incontrollable actually. it's like, i can be incoherent, i can start laughing and crying at the same time, i can be rebellious, and everything seems to be justified under the influence of alcohol. now i know why people like to drink - people just laugh off the stupid things you do when you're drunk and that's why you can dun bother to control yourself when you're actually zonked. at the very least, it's a temporary release of emotions.
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