best of 2010

top two happenings in 2010:

1) found a job at a very reputable firm! to be able to graduate with a job, or rather, go thru my last sem with a job waiting for me is really something i have never dreamt about. what's more the job is kind of my dream job at the moment. feel so lucky to go thru only a rather short period of job hunting, which was painful, but at least it was short and reaped results. all the best for everyone else still looking or have not started their job hunt!

2) regained perfect eyesight! which i never had ever since i was 10. the feeling of not having to put on glasses or contact lenses is really great, though i'm still in the process of getting used to it! had delayed my surgery for at least a few years and feel so accomplished now that i've finally done it.

really really hope 2011 will be even better still! i'm only half looking forward to graduation, but the fact that i have a job makes graduation sound a lot better! and really hope my dream grad trip comes true!=))

midway through hols...

been a while since i was here, but i think quite a lot of stuff have happened!

1) FINALLY got the call and an offer for a job. i was SOOOOO happy cos it's my first choice (not that i have a lot of choices actually) in terms of culture. remuneration is not bad too. but the problem now is that i'm not getting a return call even though the hr person said she will. i'm still keeping my fingers crossed. i hope nothing will go wrong before and after i sign the contract! i'm just so damn relieved cos the other companies aren't calling me back...

2) CP: had our second meeting at the company's office and i think it went quite badly...=( like somehow their expectations of us seem REALLY high and they expect us to know everything! i mean it's also our fault that we didn't exactly prepare THAT much, but i think it's crazy to expect so much. i mean they are the experts at doing such research, and there are REALLY some info that we can't get online. and not helping that one of our group members just vanished into thin air! msged, called, emailed, fb-ed didn't help. i have absolutely no idea what happened. and it has never happened before. ah well, lets hope things get better in the next few phases.

3) i found more companions for grad trip!

4) ho chi minh: 6D5N there is really quite crazy. went for two day tours which brought us out of the city, and the rest of the days we just walked around the city area. had a lot of coffee which were all damn good, and met a local who introduced us to damn good food (we were having quite a lot of beef pho over there before we met him). the traffic is crazy! but we got the hang of crossing roads after a few days. but i'm slightly disappointed with the shopping. ben thanh market has a lot of stuff but all require bargaining, which i really dun like. so i ended up not buying anything from the market, which is really a miracle.

i guess the best thing about hcm is that everything is so cheap compared to s'pore. taxi rides, food (and we honestly ate at quite reputable restaurants), massages (one good one bad), manicure and pedicure (did it for the first time and i must say it's quite shiok!). but i love the company even more! just think the trip would have been A LOT more boring without them. and i like the fact that they are neither too budget nor too atas, so we spend money when we should!

5) lasik: going for lasik test and MAYBE the surgery tmr! it's quite amazing how efficient the clinic is. i called on monday, and since i cannot wear contacts for at least three days before the test, they gave me an appointment for sat and the surgery is pre-booked on that day itself! everything is like settled within a week. hopefully all goes well and i can do my surgery tmr. i'm quite sick of contacts and specs. i've been wearing specs out the last few days and i really hate it. but oh well, going to be over soon i hope!!

6) ear infection: my ear was blocked for the most of this week. thought it was too much ear wax, but i went to see a doctor the day before and he said it's ear infection. like it's swollen until it's blocking the ear canal. and the scarier thing is that when i woke up the next morning, i found a small pool of blood on my pillow and my ear was covered with dried blood!

hmm i think it's time i finish this post and restart my research. hope the rest of the holiday will be better....

freaking life

i seriously hate my life.

why the hell do i have to listen to your scoldings when i didn't even do anything wrong.

why the hell do i have to hear so many hokkien vulgarities just because we are setting up a goddamn modem.

how do you expect me to know exactly what you want me to do.

seriously wtf man.

i really really want to escape out of s'pore, out of this freaking stressful place where everyone expects me to be the perfect person. can't i just live my own life. there's just no warmth anymore.

EXPLODING

PLEASE LET ME CONCENTRATE ON MUGGING FOR MY LAST PAPER!! I DUN HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT MY POOR PERFORMANCE FOR THE ENTIRE SEMESTER AND DURING MY INTERVIEWS! LIKE THESE STUFF ARE TOTALLY TELLING ME THAT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING WELL.

MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE, LIKE SERIOUSLY. I WANT TO HECK CARE ABOUT TMR'S EXAM BUT I KNOW I CAN'T, COS MY S/U HAS TO BE USED ON A STUPID LEVEL 1000 MODULE.

F*CKING IRRITATING. I HATE MYSELF.

GONE

totally screwed up an interview i was complacent for. before i went for the interview, i thought i knew everything already, having prepared so much for my previous interview. never did i know that my mind will just go POOF during the interview itself.

"what do you know about our bank?"

"what do you know about ib ops?"

these two questions TOTALLY silenced me. you know, these questions have the most straightforward answers (which i can think of the answers even right after the interview), but yet, i couldn't even answer them properly. stammered thru most of my replies, and gave sooo sweeping statements that totally revealed my ill-preparation. the interviewers were definitely unimpressed. the rest of the interview, i was just mediocre.

basically i died. i wanted to kill myself so badly. i am desperately trying to nail a job, but yet, i soo totally screwed this interview up. it wasn't even a tough interview - my interviewers were nice, but a bit too sharp for my liking.

and the worst of all, i dunno why the overseas training stood out. i soo badly want to go for the overseas training, but totally for the wrong reasons. kept thinking about it after one of the interviewers mentioned it. this is bad, cos you know what, it just says one thing - i will never forget.

after i left the room, i kept imagining that the interviewers were mocking the fact that even someone of my calibre would DARE to apply. and i think there's a 90% chance that my name has already been struck off the list.

nice. so now i got to apply for even more jobs. go thru the torture a few more times.

totally insulted.

it's really quite insulting when i knew i failed my response paper for a level 1000 biz module. i took that module simply because i thought i could score, but yet when i got back the grading for my paper, i was stunned.

13/30. seriously wtf. i have NEVER failed anything in uni before, not even close to failure, and yet i failed a level 1000 paper?!

seriously i dun understand the grading. if this was a level 3000/4000 module, i'd fully understand. but wth, this is a level 1000!! you certainly dun expect your students to write so in depth, and seriously, there's a word limit! my paper definitely wasn't up to standard, but it definitely isn't a failing paper either!

if i'd gotten like 17 or 18 marks, i'd probably have felt sad that i didn't put in enough effort blah blah. but now i got 13, to me, it's disbelief >>>>>>>>>> sadness.

now, i got two modules fighting to be s/u-ed. congratulations man.

ytd was totally not my day. my family had a rather huge fight over our finances. on the one hand, i was hoping it wouldn't turn ugly. but on the other hand, it turned ugly and that's why we managed to thrash things out and made my parents understand the predicament that we are in. tempers flared and tears were shed, but i guess it's great to talk about things that i have been bottling up within myself over the last few years.

so anw, i have two exams to go before the semester is over. at the rate i am mugging, there's no way i can score any A or even A- in this semester - i already screwed up the 3 modules that are over, the two that are left are those that i feel least confident about. so in a nutshell, it's GG for me.

and to illustrate how things can go badly for me, i have an interview 1.5 hours after my first exam. hohoho. now i have 3 exams essentially. wonderful.

shall go watch webcasts now.

twittering eats up my life.

after i've been re-introduced to twitter, it has been eating up my life. it's actually quite good, cos i get first-hand updates on news and also few of my friends' lives. but i think i've been spending wayyyyy too much time reading everything that is listed.

and because of that, i've also subscribed to 微博，JUST to read up on what taiwan celebrities write. i'm quite a gossip follower i must say. heh.

i've also been sharing my boring life on twitter, it's actually quite addictive, knowing that my parents dun stalk me on twitter and it's a way to "talk" to people without actually talking (since all my friends are always so busy and most of the time i just dun find people to talk to or msg). so yep, it's a new way of life for me. hahahah!

and it's exam time already. i have a paper next tue and i haven't even formally started mugging for it, and the worst of all, i haven't been listening in class or doing his work. COOL HUH. i'm so prepared to do badly, just like how i screwed up my regression test on thurs. sighhh...

ok back to my options and futures tb. good luck to me!

the end.

i dun think you need my wishes, so from this year onwards, bye bye friend.

i need some luck...

it's going to be week 13 of school, and after that, 3.5 years of uni will have passed.

it's quite amazing, i could still remember the very first day i stepped in nus biz, and now, we're going to step out of it soon. it hasn't been the most memorable experience, but i must say i have truly learnt a lot from here. it's probably a great place to go before one steps into the workplace.

ah well. this sem hasn't been as hectic as i had imagined it to be, considering that i'm taking 5 mods + CP. but it might really be because i'm not putting in that much effort into my mods. and the most ironic thing of all, is that i spent most of the time doing a level 1000 mod project. now i'm left with a tutorial presentation, 1 in-class test on regression, 1 final quiz and two exams. the sem is really going to be over...

and i went for an interview a few weeks back, and that's the only one i've gone for, which is really too little considering that some of my friends have already gone for multiple rounds in other companies. well, a local bank rejected me, for a reason i still can't comprehend. i'm actually REALLY hoping and praying i'll get into the company i went for interview for. really like the culture and how they handled the entire recruitment process - seems to me they really care about their staff. everyone seems genuinely happy working for that organisation, which is really amazing. i thought i did well for the interview, but i guess based on past experience, the more confident i am, the more i will be hit by disappointment. and i guess the longer i wait for their response, the more un-confident i am...

ah well. hope this week will bring me some good news.

project woes

seriously, i dun understand how some people can be SOOO DAMN IRRITATING.

i can easily list 10 reasons why:

1) LOVE to make comments that totally have NO VALUE ADD to our project discussions

2) DAMN ACT CUTE but seriously, i dunno why you have that much confidence (i'm sorry i know i'm mean)

3) do your individual part DURING our discussion, taking up everybody's time, when it's supposed to be done BEFORE the meeting

4) makes it damn obvious that you are doing your research only during the meeting. why did we have to waste our time just because of you.

5) doesn't even care to apologise that she's taking up people's time, making the meeting so unproductive

6) TOTALLY have no sense that people are already pissed off and still continue making dumb comments

7) keeps adding new (and most likely unnecessary) points to our report when we are already reaching the word limit

8) comes unprepared for meetings and talks as if she knows everything but actually got no substance

9) the latest one that TOTALLY made me write this post was cos of this, "i have replied to amelia tt wed i can, but frm e email it seems like wed she cannot, so i oso dunno y she asked me" firstly, i didn't ask her ANYTHING cos i was and still am damn pissed with her so there's no way i'm gonna talk to her, and secondly, how can anyone be so damn rude to say "i also dunno why she asked me". HELLO WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU.

ok that's enough. omg i can't understand how someone can live in her own world and totally dun bother about others. seriously. i just want to get this project over and done with so i dun have to see you again.

WHAT?!

i really dun understand why i have to pay for even my own insurance when firstly, it wasn't bought with my knowledge, and secondly, i haven't even started work yet.

seriously, i'm already paying for most of my other personal expenses, travel, phone bills, transport, phone, laptop, meals, etc SINCE YOUNG. and you stopped giving me allowance since like one year back. so what, i'm supposed to survive on my own when i havent even graduated?!

WTF am i working so hard during my uni years to earn more money?! just to know that i have to use the money i earn to pay for everything that you said you all will pay until we start working?

i REALLY dun understand. seriously, it's not that i dun have the money to pay, i just DUN WANT to pay cos i know you'll take advantage and ask for more in future. and i really dun see this as a matter of fillial piety. you see, you jeopardized your own chances of me giving you all extra money WILLINGLY.

record.

i spent a record 6+ hours in my tutees' place last night, from 5pm to 1130pm.

i actually like going down for tuition nowadays. maybe it's cos i know that tuition with dylan is gonna stop soon (which means one less source of income), and that i have been spending too much, so i need more money to compensate for the amount i've been spending.

ah well. tuition for chelsea has stopped for the moment, i seriously hope she scores well, after spending 4 hours with her last night. and i've set tons of tuition with dylan before his O levels. well, i can only hope i wont be THAT busy with my school workload so that i can seriously bring him through to the end of his O levels. after all, the last paper he's gonna take is a bio paper.

and well, i do hope i can teach chelsea math next year cos it's after all my favourite subject in school! and i'm so much more confident in math than in any of the sciences.

i think i sound like a desperate money-grubber here...

the unnoticed...

cai sent me a link to this poem:

The Man In The Bowler Hat by A. S. J. Tessimond

I am the unnoticed, the unnoticable man:
The man who sat on your right in the morning train:
The man who looked through like a windowpane:
The man who was the colour of the carriage,
the colour of the mounting morning pipe smoke.
I am the man too busy with a living to live,
Too hurried and worried to see and smell and touch:
The man who is patient too long and obeys too much
And wishes too softly and seldom.

I am the man they call the nation's backbone,
Who am boneless - playable castgut, pliable clay:
The Man they label Little lest one day I dare to grow.
I am the rails on which the moment passes,
The megaphone for many words and voices:
I am the graph diagram,Composite face.
I am the led, the easily-fed,
The tool, the not-quite-fool,
The would-be-safe-and-sound,
The uncomplaining, bound,
The dust fine-ground,
Stone-for-a-statue waveworn pebble-round


so true isn't it. we're all so insignificant in this world, wanting to make a difference but end up disillusioned and jaded with everything in the world. sigh...

do i want to be just an ordinary person in this world? i really have no idea. i want to excel, but the drive and motivation is just not strong enough.

iphone4!!

i just got my iphone!!!=) with a rather huge price tag though, but still, i love it! have been playing with it ever since i got it. the battery life really sucks, but i dunno whether it's because i've been using the data too much. i just spammed whatsapp msges last night. hahha!

the photography apps are damn cool too. i shall try when i go out. =D

lets see if being so well-connected is a good or a bad thing. but the best thing of all, i have unlimited data to spare!!=))))

FML.

i think it's pms time again.

it has been a rather long time since i got so upset, almost tearing on my bus journey back, thinking and reflecting about my own life, my friendships etc.

as much as i'd like to be fair, sometimes i just can't. i'm really very disappointed. i guess people have to realise that life doesn't just revolve around their own decisions - their decisions affect the lives of other people around them too. sometimes it feels like i'm trying too hard, and begging people to get a response.

why am i on the losing end again? in the first place, why the hell am i in this situation?

i guess to many others, it's just a freaking stupid little thing. i am angry, but what can i do. i have a feeling i'm creating a mountain out of a molehill again. and that's why i dun want to talk to people about this.

how did i become so hateful? how did i become so sick of the world? i feel like re-living my entire life again. i am perhaps not the most unfortunate person around, but there's really nothing to look forward to, i have nothing under my name, there's no one i want to spend my life with, what kind of life should i be leading then? i'm just stuck in the middle, muddling through life, following the tried and tested ways - living my life just like how others want and expect me to live it. why do i have to work so hard to obtain a life that i dun even want?

i'm so used to abandonement - even my own family can do that to me. how then can i expect so much of others? damn it, why is it so hard to get some true love and concern? even love from one's family seems to be conditional on some other yardstick - money. so, is there nothing more important than that in this world?

for the first time, i'm gonna say, FML.

所有的灯 早已经全都熄灭

my first.

haven't updated in a while, i guess my dull and boring life doesn't warrant any entry, but i thought i should just attempt to keep this place alive, though probably nobody reads it now.

school started, the hectic lifestyle has started, considering that i'm taking 5 mods + CP = 6 mods this sem. it's not as xiong as i thought it would be FOR NOW, since all projects plus CP haven't exactly started. i think it'll just get worse after the recess week.

it's scary how everyone is looking for jobs now. i seriously dun feel any motivation to start applying, but i know if i still resist it, i will eventually end up not going for job interviews at all. i dunno how others actually find the motivation to go for all the career talks and apply for all the programs. =(

and of cos tuition is providing me with almost a full-time job pay - quite nice to see the numbers in my bank account increasing as the weeks go by. but the busy schedule - 15 hours per week for both dylan and chelsea - will haunt me as the sem progresses. ah well, i shouldn't be complaining cos ultimately, my aim is to earn enough to finance any overseas trip that i want! plus my lasik surgery and iphone.=)

my gastric's been giving me problems again, but i suppose i have nobody to blame cos i haven't been having regular meals. i just hope it doesn't worsen.

and i shall say thank you to jess cynli ja and marcus for insisting on making me drunk. i'm just glad i got drunk with people i trust and dun mind them seeing me get crazy. the night was really hilarious, i concussed first - knowing fully what was happening around me, i just couldn't control my limbs and my speech. and i totally remember the rest laughing at me and asking me stupid questions, and then i went to puke, which was essentially the worst part of the night. (didn't help that i already puked half my dinner before i went over to his house. i puked the other half over there and cynli said after that that it looked like mud.) i was totally puking everything that i consumed only 5 mins ago.

and so, after the puking, i refused to drink anymore. the rest continued and the next to die was ja, who was REALLY hilarious. we all know now that she totally hates RED WINE. hahahah. and by then, i was awake enough to see ja die. the rest didn't essentially die, until we decided to go sleep and cynli just collapsed.

i just love how i dun have to act like someone i'm not in front of them. even though i'm SOOO different from them, and sometimes i wonder how i got close to them in the first place, they still accept me for who i am. i guess the best part is that they really opened my mind to a lot of things that i never thought were important in the past.

and i like the feeling of being slightly incontrollable actually. it's like, i can be incoherent, i can start laughing and crying at the same time, i can be rebellious, and everything seems to be justified under the influence of alcohol. now i know why people like to drink - people just laugh off the stupid things you do when you're drunk and that's why you can dun bother to control yourself when you're actually zonked. at the very least, it's a temporary release of emotions.

perhaps i'm just not worthy of anything good in this world.

freedom

my cousin treated my family and my uncle to dinner today after coming back from hk for a short 'holiday'.

for this short vacation, they booked a suite at a hotel at resorts world for 3 nights, and thereafter another few nights at marina bay sands.

while they were chatting, my cousin said he went to watch the world cup final at south africa.

and he has 4 kids and 3 maids at his house in hk. he leaves home for work at 7am every morning, and goes home at 6pm every evening.

and knowing that my family has some financial issues, our angpows are sometimes bigger than the rest.

you know, who doesn't look towards such a lifestyle. having the finances to buy a luxury car, the money to employ multiple maids to look after the kids, to buy a big house at a prime area, to go holiday and stay in suites all the time, etc etc. i guess he has also gone through the tough times, but i really wonder if i will want to go through such a route.

when my bro was speaking about his job at his current company, i was thinking, when the same question is posed to me one year down the road, what will i say? will it be a disgrace to talk about a smaller company than my bro's? especially when my entire extended family seem to be rather successful in the finance industry. it's this stupid competitive feel in me that is nagging me not to lose out, but there's also another side that is telling me that this is not the lifestyle that i want.

and in the car on the way back, i was talking about my intended trip to korea. my bro scolded me for that, saying that, 'if you're like [my cousin], then i have nothing to say. but you really think you have that much money to spend ah.'

sadly, as much as i dun want to admit, money is really quite important. i want the work-life balance, but i also want the freedom to do things the way i want, to get the things i really want and to live a lifestyle that i'm comfortable with. it's not about being materialistic, but i really want the freedom, to get out of this restricted zone, a zone that is controlled by my family.

you know, after working so hard to earn more money over the last few years, i just want to enjoy a bit before i start work. i may be extravagant, but isn't it fine since i'm spending my own hard-earned money? i could have chosen not to give tuition, not to be a research assistant, or not to apply for scholarship, and ask for allowance instead. why should i put myself through all the pathetic attempts to multi-task and then end up collapsing on my bed every night?

it's really just for one word: freedom. because i know that as long as i do not have the means to support myself, i still have to rely on my parents and be restricted by them.

but now, i really wonder if i should be ambitious.

back to waking up at 10am. =)

friday was my last day as an OCBC intern.

i'm really grateful for the opportunity to work in such a wonderful department, with nice bosses and nice colleagues. and i've truly learnt a lot from all of them. and though i may not be very close to the other interns since we're so isolated in octagon, it still is nice getting to know more people.

i was supposed to be in bangkok now shopping. but there was a bomb that went off AGAIN on friday morning, and since the hotel and airline both agreed to give full refund, for the second time in my life, we decided to cancel our trip to bangkok at the last minute. ah well. this time, it wasn't such a painful decision i guess.

heading to batam for the whole of tmr anw. mel jasmine and i decided to JUST GO SOMEWHERE to compensate for the cancellation. heh.

you wished the whole wide world. wow thanks ah, thanks for excluding me in your world.

孤单

extracted from rene liu ruo ying's song, 一辈子的孤单, which i only really paid attention to it today cos of its lyrics.

当孤单已经变成一种习惯　
习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办
就算心烦意乱　就算没有人作伴
自由和落寞之间怎么换算　
我独自走在街上看着天空
找不到答案　我没有答案

and i hate cors bidding. i hate it how biz doesn't plan their numbers properly. we had a module indication exercise but yet so many of us are stranded with fewer than 3 mods. what's the point of a bidding system if it cannot allocate the mods properly!

my statuses on fb have all revolved around bidding for the last few days. quite sure people are sick of looking at my rants by now. but still, i'm REALLY frustrated!!

and bkk just got a bomb blast again?!?! wth. and now my travel plans may eventually be changed also. woah why is my life sooo damn exciting.

gastric.

my gastric is coming back again. and it loves to come when i'm having tuition, have to endure the pain for the entire lesson. sighhhh i kinda think my stomach will sooner or later have a hole. and it comes back even when i'm having VERY regular meals. i really have no explanation for all the pain. or maybe it's not gastric even. i dunno what it is then...

my memory is failing...

oh my i feel so bad now! a few weeks back i bumped into one of my super enthu buckle sec 1s, she asked me if i recognise her and i really couldn't! (after that i did recall who she is, but at that point of time i really couldn't!) and she just talked to me on msn and she said she was very sad i couldn't recognise her...=(((((

am never proud of my face-recognising skills, but yes i should try to remember people more readily.. esp when they were sooooo enthu about buckle and i was their captain!! sighhh what happened to my 22-year old brain....

kinda struck me during the council 30th anniversary dinner on sat too...i dun rmb a lot of people!! esp the juniors...look familiar but seriously i dun rmb a lot of them! (one of them i even asked to help me take photo without knowing she's my junior...) omg!!!

2 more weeks of internship left.... finally no more squeezing on the crowded train every morning. i seriously almost kissed the train door this morning. i'll prob miss the place actually. my dept people are soooo nice..

this is a weird post. i think i'm going cranky from being tired so i shall continue another time.

freaking pissed

i freaking hate my life.

maybe jess and cynli are really right about life - it seriously sucks. there's no damn good reason AT ALL for me to love my life. what a tragedy isn't it.

happy graduation bro!

you.

i'm getting tired and sick of everything.

i dun understand you anymore.

perhaps it is wiser to keep a distance from everyone. in this way, i will never be upset over the smallest of things.

you can call me an escapist. but if escaping can make me feel better, why not?

i want to be nonchalent.

if only life can be factorised into its simplest terms.

stop rubbing it in my face damn it.

sometimes i wish i can just scold or express my unhappiness openly like my bro. at least i think i'll be much happier that way.

and at other times, i feel like throwing away my phone and maybe even my comp and live my life in isolation. because getting along, or attempting to get along with people, is so freaking tiring.

but i just can't. there's always an obligation to do this and that, everything in the whole wide world that will be watched closely by everyone around. and if you refuse to give in because you have your own principles, you'll be called 不孝.

stop thinking you're giving me an easy life.

makes me feel that my life is seriously not worth living. but what to do. i can only watch as i try my hardest not to throw my horrible life away.

sometimes i really wonder who i am living my life for.

$$

sometimes i really wonder if it's such a good thing that i'm earning my own money for my personal expenses. just seems that i'm supposed to pay for just about everything. if you want me to pay, at least get my consent, or let me know that i need to do so. you dun pay for something for one year then come tell me i need to pay for it for the rest of the remaining years. there's just no logic in me forking out money for something that i didn't even choose to own.

i'm proud of my current financial independence, and it's not that i'm being petty about my money. but sometimes it's really a matter of fairness. there's just no reason to get angry when we mention we have been paying for a lot of things since young. if you have been splitting your bills so clearly ever since we were so young, you can't exactly expect a total sharing of funds now isnt it.

ok maybe i'm not that fillial, and maybe it's only right that we give back to our parents, and i am not going to deny that i am quite a 斤斤计较 person. but in any case, i've put in a lot of effort into expanding my bank reserves, and in view that i'm going to deplete it myself in the next few months, this amount may not even be enough.

you know, sometimes i just feel that the old traditional way of thinking views the kids as tools for exploitation. of cos i'm not saying i'm being exploited, cos after all my family still treat me well. it's just that the expectations are so high when there aren't really any role model for me to look up to. i guess the baseline is that, you should expect your kids to treat you only as well as you treat them. anything above that is a bonus.

(i think i will prob offend a lot of parents with this, but i just need to rant about it.)

女人心事

almost teared when i was listening to this song on my mp3 on my way to work...

陶晶莹 - 女人心事
作词：陶晶莹
作曲：陶晶莹/黄韵玲
专辑：走路去纽约

东区的咖啡座 幽暗的沙发里
总有几张熟悉的脸
那种聪明带点捍卫的旗帜
想放弃却又不甘心的样子

越过他的肩膀 空洞洞的视线
摩登女子背着心事
那种以为自己什麽都可以
喝了酒却又哭的像个孩子

我听见 渴望的泪
我看见 我的从前

曾经 我也痛过我也恨过怨过放弃过
在自己的房间里觉得幸福遗弃我
如果没有分离背叛的丑陋
怎麽算是真爱过

请你试着相信一爱再爱 不要低下头
别怕青春消失 就不信单纯的美梦
我在这岸看着你 又为你的坚持感动
你会的 有一天会幸福的

另一种温暖

he's definitely a talented singer, a voice that shouldn't go unnoticed. not only because he's a local singer, but in any case, i really like his voice. i remember he was actually one of the judges for stardust which i was part of the organising comm for, and nobody recognised him at all. a bit sad that he didn't release any other album after his first one, and this album only has three songs.

the lyrics is rather inspiring.

另一种温暖 - 石康钧
专辑：另一种温暖
作词：张乐声 作曲：林倛玉

天还没亮 回忆一直醒在身旁
向着月光 才能背对拉长的伤
绕过多少 用遗憾筑成的墙
才会义无反顾 飞翔

什麽眼神 会让你对上就不忘
哪种情感 会让你湿润了眼眶
爱一个人要多勇敢 谁不曾经历过失望
很多时候 我们都一样

路或许很艰难 相信就有方向
试着把脚步放慢 看看身旁
爱你的人的目光
梦或许未点亮 却总是能给人希望
失去让人成长 也更懂得珍惜对方
生命中总有些过往 会让人一直回头看
也是种温暖

什麽眼神 会让你对上就不忘
哪种情感 会让你湿润了眼眶
爱一个人要多勇敢 谁不曾经历过失望
很多时候 我们都一样

路或许很艰难 相信就有方向
试着把脚步放慢 看看身旁爱你的人的目光
梦或许未点亮 却总是能给人希望
失去让人成长 也更懂得珍惜对方
生命中总有些过往会让人一直回头看
也是种温暖

major update.

been a long time since i updated. somehow i always have a lot to blog about when i'm out. but when i sit in front of my comp, nothing just comes to mind, and i just dun feel like typing anything already.

half of my internship is over. been learning quite a lot, going for meetings and learning how to put into place mgmt accounting and operations theories. and i like it that my boss tells and teaches me a lot, like she truly wants me to learn. including giving me not-so-easy tasks that i need to sit in front of my comp and rack my brain for them.

and lunch time has been good gathering times too. been meeting quite a few friends during lunch time, whether planned or not. just that 1 hr is seriously short, but i dun really want to go back to office so late also. doesn't help that there are always limited seats during lunch time. the time spent looking for seats is usually longer than the eating time itself. haha.

anyway, my bro has found a better offer in another bank, and i'm seriously happy for him. better pay, more days of leave, better brand name, everything beats the previous offer. it's just that sometimes when i think about it, i think my parents will expect more from me cos there's already a benchmark set by him. so maybe i'm supposed to get a higher pay? i have no idea. but i guess it's still too early for me to think so hard about it.

the whole thing about stepping into the next phase of life is somehow making me a little apprehensive about it. i have friends who are just about to start their uni life, but yet, i'm already waiting to graduate. everyone is at different stages of their life and the things we talk about can be so different.

i met up with my buddy line today, with 1 24th, 2 25ths, 2 27ths and 1 28th. it's not that i can no longer relate to what they're saying, it's just that it's soooo different. my uni friends are talking about internship, pay, jobs, benefits, etc. here we were talking about council camp, army life and everything that already seems like the past to me.

and finally jun is back from uk! went to the airport with kang to receive her and i feel so 温暖 to see her run into the arms of her bf as she came out, then went on to hug the people who were there. and when she was waiting for her luggage and she already saw us waiting for her, she was bouncing up and there, waving frantically, and seemed like she couldn't wait to get out of that door. i just felt so happy to be there. felt like i was back to the good old days of staying over at her place, talking to her mum and sis. i think i haven't done that in 3+ years.

plus talking to kang. we havent sat down and talked for the longest time. haven't even met for like at least 1+ years. things have changed, but i guess there are other things that haven't, like how comfortable she makes you feel when talking to her. i felt that way when i was talking to jun over dinner too. it's been a long time when i can just sit down and talk about all the deep stuff and reflections that i had without making the other party bored. i just know that they'll be listening to me.=)

oh and yes, the last few weeks have been days of thinking about my future too. we got back our results on the last day of may, and i unexpectedly did rather well. even my mgmt mods which i didn't think i would do well when i first started the modules. and the dumbest thing was that i scored the worst in the very subject that i thought i would secure an A for it. -_-

and the point is that, i was really contemplating whether i should embark on a thesis. the good grades totally pulled up my cap to quite near the first class range, but in order to even pull it up to a first class, i need to score even better for the next two sems. after a while, i thought that was impossible and i shelved the idea of a thesis. i hope it doesn't come back to haunt me. after all, getting a first class isn't something that common.

another issue i was thinking about was whether i should continue taking my mpp, which i have already decided to drop, but they scheduled me for an interview with lkyspp, which kept me thinking about whether i should just continue. not that i'll be able to secure a place after i go for the interview actually, but i should at least give some serious thought about it rite. in any case, i decided to not go for the interview, and then someone from BBA office called me and said that the interview is postponed. weird rite. but i guess that gives me some time to reconsider my decision, which may not be a good thing also, cos to be very honest, i can't really make a stand about what i really want.

it's been a really long post i realised. oh and i forgot to mention that my auntie just went back to hk today and thus i finally got back my own room. finally some peace at night from now on. heh.

working life...

looking at my last post, i realised that another two weeks have passed by yet again.

this summer has and probably will continue to be eventful, cos of internship, tuition and meeting up with friends (esp with jun coming back in about two weeks' time!!), etc. never thought adjusting to working hours can be so tiring actually. maybe it's the awful combination of things that is making everything else even worse. sleeping in my bro's room cos my aunt is taking my room for 1+ month, and not being able to sleep well cos of snores, plus my tutee's exam period, which essentially means my night times during week days were also burnt.

but ah well, sometimes i just think of the money i'm earning and i'll feel quite comforted. cos this means that i can still spend without thinking THAT much. and i kinda like it when i can give money to my parents when i want to cos at least i know it'll make them happy.

and i think internship has been a good experience. been doing real stuff which i asked around and realised it's quite an anomaly for other companies. and my bosses and fellow colleagues are really nice too. can totally imagine working in such an environment next time.

but having worked for a total of three weeks, i still think student life is sooo good. it can get really busy, but at least you get the flexibility to arrange stuff. in a workplace, you're so restricted by the working hours, there's no way you can say, prioritise family vs work during weekdays.

on my way to tuition today, i was fighting back my tears cos i was soooo angry. shan't say what happened here, cos it'll just sound so trivial, but sometimes, i seriously dun want to be the one giving in all the time, with nobody even noticing that i'm not always obligated to do that all the time.

post busy week...

this week has been kind of eventful. it was a really packed and tiring week, which totally drained my energy.

exam week for my tutee will always be challenging for me, especially when i'm working now and can only go down to their house at night times. after going down on mon tue thurs fri sat and sun, i kinda really treasure my free days. of cos the money has been good, but i'm totally drained at the end of every day, and will just fall asleep after i bathe each day. good thing my bro had been sending me home from my tuition every weekday night, if not i seriously have no idea how i survive each day.

the worst thing is when you realise that your tutee doesn't even appreciate all the effort you have been putting in to get his results. when i went down on sat, i realised that he arranged for chinese tuition on tuesday night when his bio is on wed. so i told his sister to try to change his chinese tuition so that i can come down on tue instead.

and guess what? he actually told his chinese tutor that he doesn't need to study for bio. but the problem is that we haven't even started bio AT ALL! this is after telling him tons of time not to arrange any other tuition on tues night. and knowing him, he doesn't even study anything outside tuition, which essentially equates to him wanting to attempt not studying and just sitting for his exam! wth.

sometimes i wonder why i'm putting in so much effort when he doesn't even care. to put it bluntly, i may be going down because the money is good. but why make my life so miserable when he doesn't even care? i'm just courting misery for myself isn't it. sigh. i also want him to do well, cos that means i've fulfilled my responsibilities. but judging at his attitude, i seriously think everyone else is more anxious than he is, which is really sad.

ah well. i already complained to many people about this. and good thing i met up with charles and cedric after my tuition on sat. we had a mini food trail to explore the circle line. we first met at old airport rd and ate popiah, rojak and carrot cake. then we took mrt down to nicoll highway and ate waffles and ice cream, after which we went down to chinatown to drink koi bubble tea! not a lot of stops, but nevertheless, the catching up was good. i really love having such sessions and chatting to old friends and thinking back about all sorts of things.

the past few days, however, hadn't been too pleasant. had been having abdomen pain after dinner, and a bit of diarrhoea. went to polyclinic and was diagnosed with stomach upset, though i am not very convinced about it. but of cos i also dun have an alternative explanation. sometimes i just feel like changing my entire digestive system, but if life can be so easy, we all wouldn't be complaining.

and my dad has officially tendered his resignation, which means from july onwards, my family would have two retirees, and the breadwinner is....my bro, who essentially would only have started work for less than half a month. HAHAH! of cos the good thing is i'm earning my own money, so i dun think they are gonna give me any allowance anymore. ah well. it's time they retire anyway. i should think we're still able to finance our expenses, the only issue being the car. but for now, i think if my dad has already made the decision to retire, he prob would have made the necessary calculations to see if they can finance their own retirement.

time to prepare for the second week of internship!!

twelve weeks...

haven't been sooo tired in a long while.

came back from hk on sat.

mahjong on sunday.

internship orientation on mon.

work officially started today.

tuition on mon tues thurs fri 7.30pm to 9.30pm.

it's only tuesday now and i'm feeling drained already. i think i'm not used to waking up early and walking on heels all day.

i'm kinda shipped all the way to raffles place even though everyone else in my dept is in tamp. so sad. i was so excited when i knew i might be working at tamp. ah well. but so far the job seems fine, even though i was so overwhelmed by the terms that they used. guess it just takes a little while of getting used to.

i hope i get used to the working hours soon and that my tutees could give me a break after their exams. if not i'm just gonna drop dead really soon...

looking forward to...

dprm down 1 hour ago

14 hours to end of real estate paper

15.5 hours to ip man 2

19.5 hours to tuition

30 hours to flight to hong kong!!

and then 12 weeks of internship commences...

SO EXCITED!!

cooking..

cooked dinner with my bro last night. reminded me so much of the days i spent in cph, planning for my own meals, buying groceries, etc etc. sometimes i kinda wish i stay alone so that i can do all these myself and force myself to be more independent. of cos with my mum at home, there are a lot of things that we dun have to worry about, but sometimes being over-reliant is also not healthy. maybe it's better to go thru a bit of hardship to understand how tough things can get when you stay alone.

i had fun for more than a week already. and started watching another taiwan drama that kept me occupied for 2 full days. haha. always end up thinking too much when i watch all these dramas; sometimes i feel so sad for the leads that my stomach will feel the funny sour feeling. but ah well, idol dramas are filmed to make you feel that way lar. their plots are really too idealised already.

gonna have tuition on mon tues wed fri sat. wonderful rite. must compensate for the days i won't have tuition cos of my hong kong trip. just hope i'll spend the rest of my time studying for real estate and doing dprm report. JIAYOU!

insulted again...

ytd wasn't a very happy day. i woke up in the morning cos of a phone call, and it was the phone call i've been waiting for before i accepted the internship offer. ah well. i called cso and felt a little insulted when she said it's not like the other coy is offering a frontline job, BUT HELLO OPS IS MY INTEREST, NOT THE FRONTLINE. you are implying that i can't get the frontline job isn't it? i am deliberately looking for an ops job, and naturally i would like the job when i get it.

i dun understand why everybody, including the cso, thinks that EVERYONE wants the frontline job in a bank. and everything else, like ops, is the saigang job that NOBODY wants. it's seriously an insult when you think that i want a frontline job and i can't get it. WTF. you are supposed to be the professionals, mind you.

maybe i'm a little elitist when it comes to such stuff, but i hate it when everybody overgeneralise about what kind of job is superior to others. so people looking for ops jobs are inferior? perhaps YOU guys should learn to be less elitist, seriously.

looking for internship is already such a painful thing, can you imagine next year when we have to look for a full-time job? sigh...the world isn't a pretty place at all.

you know, after being insulted and humiliated by the stupid interviewer, i kinda have no qualms about applying for jobs and going for interviews already. if interviewers want us to conceal our weaknesses, fine i'll do it. i guess there's really no incentive to be so honest. interviewers will always discount your abilities when they judge you. and one is always better off presenting an inflated view so that they can get a realistic view of you after they discount.

so ironic, i become disillusioned even before i step into the workforce.

have been doing nothing ever since my parents went to taiwan. ktv with my bro, jiayan and gui liang on sat, mon went to watch monga, arcade, dinner and then joce's place with xumao, joce and andrew. tues had meeting, then interview again. wed met ja and marcus at orchard. ytd was just tuition. and i've also been clearing my HUGE backlog of variety shows. hahaha. i still have 2 modules left, but i act as if i got nothing left. heh.

and because my parents are not in s'pore, we've been either cooking instant noodles or going to ubi to dabao. meals are always a problem when my parents are overseas.

i can't wait for hongkong man. and going to macau with ja and marcus too. just want to enjoy before internship starts. =D just hope the money i earn from my tuition and internship are sufficient to cover all the trips i'm making. but bangkok is so dangerous now, maybe we should seriously consider changing location.

ok back to my variety shows. how slack can i get. lets just hope i won't screw up my real estate.

双鱼座(Pisces)

sorry a bit long, but i think it's really accurate. too many things that i know of myself that sometimes i just cannot put it down in words. wow. and so it's really possible to categorize people into 12 groups ah. haha!

看过很多关于双鱼的各种传说，分析，解释。似乎无一例外的把双鱼当作了一个女人的星座，动不动就是流眼泪，唉声叹气。可惜可叹，如果双鱼真的只是这样的一个星座，那么可以说没有一个人愿意去做双鱼，而历史上也不会有什么著名的双鱼人物了。　

最本质的部分：思考 　
双鱼座的最本质特点是什么？善良？懦弱？温柔？不是，我告诉你，是思考（在很多情况下，是过多的思考）。是的，双鱼座的一切特性，都来自于他过多的思考，或许世上没有第二个星座比双鱼座更能洞察别人的心理，更能分析事情的本质。你可以称之为敏感，但是一旦这种敏感能够正确的使用，那么没有人能比双鱼座更快的学会人情事故，在这一方面，有一个双鱼座的伟人做的尤其出色，他的名字是周恩来。因为思考的太多，所以双鱼座的人就算不是真正善良的，也至少是表面善良的。对于双鱼来说，善良与其说是本质，不如说是双鱼喜欢的一种生活方式，以善良的方式活着，是轻松而又受人尊敬的，一般的双鱼座很早就能洞察到这一点。再谈谈温柔，这一点，不管是哪篇文章，都不会忘了提双鱼座的温柔。是的，双鱼的确是温柔的。因为双鱼总能敏感的体会到对方的细微变化，时刻了解到对方心意的转变，表现在行动上，就是能尽快的知道，什么时候应该为女孩披上自己的外衣，什么时候应该停下手里的活，转过身去和女友好好的说话。 　　

与众不同的部分：信仰
双鱼的信仰就是没有信仰！在双鱼的世界里面，没有绝对的对和错，如果发生了一件事，他第一件做的事情是去理解这件事，去分析这件事，而不是去判断这件事是对的还是错的。 　　下面引用一段话说明双鱼的这个特点： 　　'鱼座男人没有偏见，没有亲自穿著鹿皮走几哩路，他不会评断印地安人；没有试试赤脚走路，他也不会评断裸体主义者。甚至这些做了，他还是会满心谅解而不会过于批评。他很少冷酷的指控，倒是每每温暖的忍耐，他甚至会试试了解他的岳母，天底下有几个男人能这样？海王子拥有罕见的同情精神，他的朋友向他吐露秘密而从不担忧会把他吓著，要吓到鱼起码需要两吨以上的炸弹。如果你和我以及你的鱼儿三人同坐一室，一个男人走进来告诉我们他有些担忧，因为他重婚，在四个州各有一个老婆，你可能眼睛瞪得大大瞧他，冒著火，心想监狱是最适合他的地方，我可能鄙夷的说他是个卑鄙的流氓，但你的鱼儿很可能问：'那四州？你爱不爱她们其中任何一个？'鱼很好奇，但防震。对他来说，这个家伙需要一缸子同情以及好得要命的律师。' 有一位伟人利用了这点特性，结果成就了科学史上的神话，他就是爱因斯坦。

双鱼的致命缺点：懦弱 　
现实中的双鱼座确实给人太多的失望，懦弱，多疑，自卑，优柔寡断，没有主见.....一个双鱼座或许没有上面全部的特点，但至少会有一，二个。就算是伟大如周恩来，有时候难免有些优柔寡断和没有主见，当然，这种时候不多。造成双鱼座优柔寡断的原因很简单。因为同样一个选择，在一个射手看来，只需要考虑2样东西，但是在双鱼看来，却需要考虑10样东西，因为他想的实在是太多了。简单的说一句话，双鱼都会想到它会给周围的人带来多少种不同的影响，它会让人对自己有怎么样的看法，会不会造成误解。（虽然很多时候，双鱼会冲动的把一些话脱口而出） 　　 　　至于多疑，这点和自卑联系的比较紧密。虽然双鱼座能轻易的了解对方的意图，看透事情的真相，但是却往往不能坚持住自己的观点，这种不能坚持大多数是因为双鱼座自己不愿接受这个事实，也有很多时候是因为双鱼对自己不够自信。关于前一点，比较突出的一个例子是，双鱼座的女孩不到男孩子直截了当的告诉她，他不爱她了，女孩就总是还抱有一线希望，虽然女孩心里明白的很。懦弱呢？关于这点，和信仰联系在一起。你一定觉得很奇怪，懦弱和信仰又有什么关系呢？信仰是种很可怕的力量，他可以让一个人做出平时不敢做的事情，拥有不该拥有的勇气，牺牲不该牺牲的东西。而双鱼恰恰是没有一丁点信仰的，就算有，也不过是为了给生活加一点调味剂，或是给自己找一个避难所。对于双鱼来说，自己能过舒适，安稳的日子，比什么都重要。富贵如浮云，最想的开这点的就是双鱼座了。至于爱国什么的，酒饱饭足的双鱼可以慷慨激昂，也会不惜重金施于，但是只是建立在自己有好日子过的前提下。接下来，可以解释下双鱼的懦弱了。只要能让自己和爱人平平安安，有什么不可以忍受的呢？什么尊严，什么气节，见鬼去吧。所以只要不把双鱼逼到绝境，你尽可以嘲弄双鱼的懦弱。每条鱼的忍受范围都不同，但一般都比正常人多那么一点点。但是如果你不小心让一条鱼觉得无路可走了，那么你真的要小心了。鱼可以践踏人间一切法律，无视所有道理，更不会考虑自己的尊严和人格。你务必要相信这一点，虽然这种时候很少，但那只不过是因为上帝不想让人们经常看到地狱的惨状。　　

双鱼的最大优点：感情
与其说双鱼是个为爱情而活的星座，不如说双鱼是个为感情而活的星座。对于双鱼来说，世界上最重要的东西是感情，一条精神上满足的鱼，可以没有其他东西，就已经是最幸福的人（当然，绝大多数情况下，没有其他东西，很难精神上满足）。任何感情对于双鱼来说都是重要的，爱情很重要，但不见得会比亲情更重要，在双鱼的眼中。对于鱼来说，感情是单纯的，是单独的。鱼可以原谅对方的一切，只要那个人是真心对他好的。你可以十恶不赦，可以吃喝嫖赌，可以之前是人尽可夫的妓女，可以是个卑鄙无耻的骗子，都可以原谅，只要鱼能确定你是真心的喜欢他，对他好。但是请注意一点，大部分的鱼都比你聪明，不要以为你的小伎俩可以骗到鱼，你是不是真心喜欢他，他比谁都清楚。对于一个男孩子来说，双鱼女孩能给你对于一个女孩子想要的一切，温柔，爱你不顾一切，可爱（很多时候是装的，鱼大多数是很聪明的)，体贴..... 对于一个女孩子来说，双鱼男孩....嗯..... 看你的运气了，如果你遇到的鱼是个没有志气，不想做事，玩玩乐乐的鱼，而且他已经25岁左右了，那么好心的提醒你，还是尽早离开他吧。除非你是个富婆，或者你只是找个情人（没有人比双鱼更适合做情人了：安全快乐而无副作用）。否则，你会经历世间最凄凉的婚姻和生活，阿门................ 那么如果你遇到的鱼是有事业心，能上进，肯做事的鱼，或者干脆就是事业有成的鱼，那么真的是恭喜你，你是千万少女中最幸运的一个，再挑剔的女人也无法对一个有上进心有事业的鱼有更多的要求了。你可以得到世界上一切的温柔和快乐，包括用钱买的到的和用钱买不到的，鱼很乐意把他的一切奉献给他爱的人，看到他爱的人开心，他会更开心。大部分的鱼的'一切'仅仅只有感情，而没有物质，但是我们现在讨论的是最优秀的那种鱼，那种能随时把名望和财富送给你的鱼，现在你知道你有多幸运了吧。　

提到感情不得不提的：公平
很奇怪吗？公平对于双鱼来说，是个很重要的单词。双鱼没有普遍意义上的价值观，是非观，你不能用这件事这样做是对的，那样做是错的来说服一个双鱼座。永远记住，鱼的世界里很少有对错。那么鱼又是怎么来处理他和别人（尤其是爱人的关系）呢？就是公平。如果鱼曾经有过十几，二十个女朋友，那么他就不会在意你以前有过多少个男朋友，如果鱼一个不小心跑出去玩了一夜情，那么你一夜情的时候，他也会选择无所谓好吧，就算你的鱼纯情的一塌糊涂，你是他（她）的第一次，他也可以原谅你的曾经花心，一时花心，可能会的花心，只要你能用足够的关心和真心的喜欢弥补。鱼大致兑换了下你的关心（兑换比例只有天知道了，呵呵），如果觉得双方大致公平的（相对于他对于你的感情付出），那么他就无所谓，就会原谅你。所以和鱼相处是件很简单的事情，只要你能保证你给他的和他为你付出的差不多多，就可以了。至于伦理道德嘛...嗯，讲真的，鱼从来不是教条主义者。反过来，如果你让鱼觉得你对他的关心不够多，对他的爱不够多（不够多是指没有他给你的多），那么鱼会在痛苦之后，也相应的减少对你的关心和爱，不要怀疑，这方面，鱼比谁都表现的现实和斤斤计较。

感情中的完美主义
鱼在意的东西很少，所以很不幸，鱼对于他在意的东西就是完美主义者的态度。对于鱼来说，完美的情人不是忠贞不二的情人，不是事业爱情兼顾的情人，也不是外形完美的情人。鱼要求的是'完美的爱'。你可以不经常说我爱你，但是你说的时候，一定要是真心实意。你可以很少陪他逛街，但是你陪的时候，一定要是真的开开心心。你也可以对他说很少的情话，但是你要保证，你对别人说的情话更少，而且你对他说的是真心的话。对于鱼来说，欺骗和做作是最不可原谅的。很多人以为简简单单的对鱼说几句我爱你，固定性的发些短信问候鱼，经常为鱼买些好东西就能让鱼觉得被爱了。真不幸，大部分鱼都聪明过了头，一般都能轻松辨别那些举动是真心的，那些不过是手段（如果你曾经用这些手段征服过双鱼女生，也别得意，只不过是双鱼女生比男生更难以拒绝别人而已）。所以，请诚实一点对待鱼，爱他多少就给他多少，他也会给你同样多。这至少比他生你的气好的多，不是吗？

双鱼真的浪漫吗？
所有的星座解释都会说双鱼是浪漫的，但是所有和双鱼（特别是双鱼男生，一般浪漫都是指男生做的事情）接触过的人，都往往感觉不到双鱼的浪漫，到底是为什么呢？难道双鱼并不浪漫？ 　　 　　我给你个肯定的答案，双鱼绝对浪漫，他脑子里面的浪漫点子不仅包含了所有好莱坞大片的经典场景，还有更多他自己的原创镜头，他时不时的都在幻想浪漫的场面，一个鱼可能在他18的时候就开始想他30岁结婚的布置。那么为什么现实中是两样呢？因为2点，自卑和善良。前一点很好理解，大部分的浪漫需要自信。很多时候，不是鱼不想浪漫，而是不好意思和没胆子那么做，你能理解是吧，呵呵。那么自信的鱼呢？为什么他也不浪漫？因为他没有遇到合适的人，因为他善良。双鱼的爱情大部分是有些被动的。鱼总是轻易的喜欢上一个女孩子（注意，我用的单词是喜欢），然后开始和这个女孩开始交往，然后十有八九，会发现这个女孩不是能给自己完美的爱的女孩（这是肯定的，遇到最合适自己的人哪有那么容易），鱼很现实的知道，他和这个女孩不可能有将来的，2个人能拥有只能是一段回忆。那么对鱼来说，绝大部分的情话都会说不出口，因为鱼自己知道这些话都是骗人的，很多浪漫的举动做不出来，因为鱼不敢让女孩陷的太深，怕分手的那一天女孩太伤心。很多人说处女，金牛的人想的多，其实鱼想的并不比他们少，只不过犹犹豫豫又舍不得的鱼，就算明了的知道和女孩没有将来，也不会点破，只会静静的维持，享受拥有的每一天。但是这样的情况下，鱼的善良就让鱼忍住了很多浪漫的情话和行动。我这么说是不是显的鱼很高尚？呵呵，没有什么真正高尚的人。鱼能如此的为女孩着想，是因为这么做能让鱼觉得自己很伟大，有一种悲剧式的美感，鱼愿意让自己沉浸在这种自我的意淫中。当然，这样至少比不顾别人的死活，只图自己开心要好的多是不是？所以还是应该为鱼们鼓鼓掌的。所以，如果有一天，你看到一条浪漫无比的鱼，不要怀疑，他已经认定你们有个美好的未来，他已经知道他不会给你太多的伤心了，那你还犹豫什么？上去拥抱你的幸福吧。

结语：什么样是好的双鱼？
双鱼有很多缺点，但是大多数都可以原谅。除了2条，懒惰和犹豫。而双鱼要成为一条好鱼，所需要的东西很简单，事业。其实不用去提醒鱼们其他的事情了，他们自己都能想明白。只需能保证鱼能稳步进行他们的事业就可以了。一旦鱼用心去赚钱了，那么他肯定能赚到钱。但是这一点很难，真的很难，如果有一天，你看到一条生龙活虎的鱼，千万不要放过，好好的捆住他，很有可能，他会带给你所有的梦想.

happy!

happy happy happy!=)

3 modules down - 1 final report and 1 exam left before i can officially conclude my third year of nus life.

the two interviews ytd went fine. but well, considering that both coys prob have many many candidates, i really dunno if i can secure an internship with either.

*keeping my fingers crossed and wishing*

i seriously dun want to go hk and feel so insecure without an internship waiting for me when i come back.

but the first one was good. the interview was scary, the person asked so many difficult qns, like, "you said you want to work in a bank, but why didn't you do any internship at banks before?", "how come you only applied here in april?", "there are so many jobs with numbers and fit your criteria, why banks?", "what did you do in 2008? how come i dun see anything here (on my resume)?", etc etc. i stammered thru some, i smoked thru some. but i still like this interviewer.

he made very fair assessments, saying i was too stern and this might jeopardize my chances at interview, but he told me to feel good about myself because i stuck with my tutee for 3+ years while others could have given up very easily. i mentioned that with a better job fit, i might be able to perform better, but he said, "i dun agree. from my assessment of you, you are those sort whom if i place you anywhere, you will still do well because you will never want to submit substandard work. the only difference is you won't be happy doing it."

so, he suggested to forward my resume to the ops dept cos his program doesn't have rotations in ops. he said again, "i think you're suitable to work in a bank. i rather retain you than let you go elsewhere, but i dun have any job that might fit you. so i'd rather you be referred to my ops side to have a better fit to your interests."

well, it's great to have an interviewer understand you. he wasn't an easy interviewer to smoke thru, but he was fair, and that's what i liked about him. even if i end up not getting a job in the coy, i would at least feel good that someone actually understands me.

luckily i applied for the program. cos the application deadline was so near all the assignments, but i still sent in my application, actually thinking that i dun stand a chance. well, at least the chance stands somewhere at 20-30% i think, which to me, is rather high already.

the second interviewer was a stark contrast. he was VERY nice. i asked him more questions than he asked me. and he really explained a lot of stuff. i can totally tell that if i work under him, he will definitely try to guide me and teach me a lot of things. but well, it sure doesnt seem like i will be able to secure any job at the coy after the 3-mth internship.

but anyhow, if i get any offer now, i'll be damn happy. seriously seriously happy. but yeah, wait till that day.

this is why i hate interviews

i'm traumatised.

nobody has ever been so brutally honest about how my lack of confidence is going to pull me down.

yes i know that i cannot score well during interviews, but i never expected it to be this bad.

in sharp contrast to my previous post, the second interview that i had was REALLY bad. i really weren't aware that i was portraying such a bad view of myself in front of them.

i freaking screwed it up. seriously wanted to cry when i was on the way back cos the person spent like 20 mins telling me how smu students are better, more polished, more business-ly conversational, etc etc. and well, he even said, "looking at your resume, i thought you were going to blow me over."

"i'd expected a much more confident individual, coming in to tell me how good you are. but now you're putting so many disclaimers, as if telling us NOT to hire you."

yeah yeah. that's precisely why i hate people who looks only at the surface of other people. i'm not saying i have much substance, but going by the looks of it, even though you expressed otherwise, i know that it's a BIG FAT NO for me in your head.

so, is it that only confident, polished individuals can apply for jobs? are they the only ones who can survive in this world? you know, you sounded as if everyone must be moulded the same way. business students MUST know how to present, we MUST know how to package everything nicely and portray only the good side, but hey, i'm being realistic here. how can i assume i know everything but actually i know nothing much?

i am fully aware of my weaknesses, and thanks for giving me such a lesson. maybe, perhaps, i'm really not cut out to be a smooth talker and i really dunno how to package myself, but pls give me the respect too. i am demoralised. i hate myself even more now.

internships?! HAH. impossible.

i want an internship!!

i'm at starbucks waiting for my second interview of the day. the first one went fine (i think!) but well i dun think i appeared outstanding. plus my language was really casual i feel. now it depends on what type of people they're looking for!

(wasn't as scary as i imagined it to be. maybe cos all the interviews we've been hearing are the crazy IB kind, and all the full-time ones. ah well. at least it's over now!)

next one's a little scary though. i wrote in my cover letter as if i know a lot about the industry, but i haven't been keeping up with the news about the industry. so now, it's time to cramp some info into my brain. just hope i'll appear more natural. the person sounded friendly over the phone, but you never know. he said there will be 2 interviewees. =X lets just hope things will go fine lar.

and i'm so dead for IA. totally screwed up the final quiz. hoping that my mid-term will help to pull my grades up a little since it's equal weightage.

the weather is so horrible that everytime i go into a lift with someone else, that person will definitely complain about the heat. quite funny, but yeah, what a way to strike up convos. haha.

ok i shall continue preparing for my next interview. one presentation each tmr and wed + 2 assignments on wed, and i'm (almost) done for the sem! 60 more hours!!!

i need all the luck i can get!

too many things going on, and i'm getting sick of everything that is killing us at such a fast pace.

1 final quiz, 1 final report, 2 interviews tmr. honestly, i rather focus on the internship interviews because those are the ones that will make me REALLY happy if i manage to grab hold of either one of the opportunity (much higher utility in the short run). but my final quiz is also scary. i've been doing well for IA for the whole semester, and i seriously dun want to screw up at the last moment.

these thoughts aside, at least my efforts in applying for internships are paying off. i might not be able to get the internships (cos well, my main obstacle is ALWAYS the interview), but at least i'm given the chance now. if i had gone for the interview and got rejected, at least i won't feel so inferior. there are just too many companies that are not getting back to me that are making me feel SOOOO bad about myself.

less than 4 days to the end of the craziness. i seriously hope these 4 days will go on smoothly.

i've also been feeling rather good these days cos i've been driving around. made myself overcome all the fears, and injecting confidence of my driving to my mum who's the deciding factor whether i can start driving out myself. well 2 1/2 years after getting my license, it does seem that my learning curve is too flat, but i'm feeling happy that i'm overcoming my fears and also less guilty about wasting money on the driving lessons a few years back.

and yes perhaps i'm really more suitable to be single, and i'm speaking objectively. there are too many things that i've been thinking about, and maybe it's just that i will never be able to find someone who's totally appreciative of who i am just because i have so many flaws that i cannot overcome on my own. i can feel bad for myself all the time, but nobody else is gonna take pity on me because of that.

i should learn to be more appreciative of the people around me instead.

i was just reminded of this phrase, "没有什么事能够让你怀疑你自己". perhaps i should just have more confidence in myself, and not keep focusing on what i can't do, but rather what i can. i'm so used to doubting myself that self-confidence seems like an unattainable task for me.

disgusted.

i hate it when plans change last minute. next time when you want to make changes, can you pls tell me earlier?!?! argh.

may the next 8 horrible days pass soon.

i dunno how one can stay sane and optimistic despite the multiple deadlines. 1 assignment, 1 report and 1 presentation down this week, still have so many next week. i dunno how i'll survive, but i guess i will.

today was rather encouraging though. received my second internship interview call this morning, so going for interview next monday. i seriously hope i get this one and i dun have to worry about it anymore. but i think that's going to be sooooo difficult. ah well can only hope rite...

and received an email from one of my prof saying that my essay is one out of many chosen to be uploaded onto ivle and prob sent to hdb also. prob quite insignificant, but ah well at least it's a recognition of my efforts.=)

jiayou jiayou jiayou! 8 more days!!!

project rant

today, i almost had a heart attack.

one of my projects was due 5pm. last night at 11pm, one of my group members told me she's writing her part (first and last draft btw).

at 4am, she sent all her files.

at 11am, my other group member called to ask me about the survey results i collated (aka she's still drafting her part)

at 1pm, i called one of them up to ask for the progress: just finished compiling, haven't edited and formatted.

at 4pm, one of them called me and asked me to check the entire report when i was giving tuition.

445pm, report finally uploaded.

goodness. what kind of timeline is this. we had wanted to finish everything by wed, but obviously it dragged on until HOURS before the due date.

but well, at least the report is well written in my eyes. not the perfect one, which i also dunno how it'll look like, but it seems reasonable enough for a mgmt mod (the first draft i wrote for this project was so like a stats report. i almost cried when my work was criticised to the max after i sent it out. almost felt like escaping from the group discussion we were having.)

ah well. lets just hope i won't score too badly for this module. i dun want to end up using s/u for a biz mod!

1 1/2 projects down. 6 assignments, 3 presentations, 3 reports, 1 final quiz and 1 exam to go.

(i realised i ONLY write bad things in this blog. i'm THAT pessimistic huh. i've been feeling extremely moody these days. stress from school work, stress from not finding internship, etc. argh)

i hate today.

today is seriously not my day.

when my to-do list is longer than the queue at any singapore pools store, and technology decides to fail, you know the day is F*CKING screwed up.

i'm sorry i dun mean to be vulgar, but i am really F*CKING irritated and angry and there are no better words to express my negative emotions.

and in the midst of the irritation and anger, someone just had to be sarcastic and COMPLETELY ruin my composure. my floor is now drowned in items that have been thrown around as venting outlet.

lastly, a word of caution to others and myself: next time when you open a file from a attachment and make changes to it, pls remember to click "Save As" instead of "Save" before you close the file. this will save you A LOT A LOT of time and effort from redoing all the changes you've made to the file.

so yeah you can guess what happened. i tried SOOO many ways to retrieve the file but failed totally. plus i think my comp is now screwed up after the 1001 operations that i ran in a bid to revive the stupid ghost file. time to stop relying so much on technology cos it can fail you. argh.

没那么简单

nice song. can seriously relate to the lyrics. ah well.

黄小琥 - 没那么简单
作词:姚若龙 作曲:萧煌奇

没那麽简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴
尤其是在 看过了那麽多的背叛
总是不安 只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那麽简单 就能去爱 别的全不看
变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心谁 也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听
自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机
舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麽容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易 才会特别让人著迷
什麽都不懂的年纪曾经最掏心
所以最开心 曾经

想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆

i need to exercise!

my brother just bought a treadmill for $2000 and i just bought a exercise bicycle (mainly for my dad's 60th birthday, but i also bought it for my own usage=P) for $750! happy about it, but a lot of money!

we're turning my house into a gym. hopefully we get to exercise much more with the two equipment at home.=)

projects, projects and more projects. so much to do, so little time. and all the heavy projects are due at almost the same time. good luck to all of us for the next month!

oh oh and i've been applying for internship positions the last few days. i realised i've been damn dumb:
1) i've been sending lousy cover letters with "in addition" in two consecutive sentences.
2) i forgot to change the name of the department in more than one cover letter.
3) i didn't write about how good the companies were
4) the portal asked to convert our file into pdf, i uploaded it in the word format

damn stupid. no wonder so few companies are calling. shall seriously hope some of these companies miss the mistakes. but i think that's unlikely. oh and anyway, i got rejected by 3 companies already: gia, shell, and as of last night, standard chartered, which i passed all the logical reasoning, verbal reasoning and numerical reasoning tests, only to fail the candidate disposition test (which was essentially a personality test).

i need to be more patient and careful in sending out my applications seriously. argh.

sucky service.

i seriously want to complain about kbox. charles and i went to k this afternoon. we reached at 2.30pm, and took up the $8 nett package. so one would expect to sing till at least 5.30pm (since they usually give you 3 hrs). BUT they said we're supposed to stop at 5pm. obviously 2 1/2 hours is not enough for us to finish our super long playlist, but anyhow we just stretched it as much as we can.

so we left 2 songs after the 'last song'. when i went to redeem my points, i asked the person, "不是3小时吗？” she replied, "我们是看有没有人的。还有看有没有bookings"

i got slightly irritated already. "可是你们的房间都是空的", i commented. she replied, "因为等一下还有bookings 的".

I'M SURE SOMEONE WOULD BOOK A ROOM AT 5PM AND ONLY SING TILL 7PM. WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID?

seriously, these people think customers are all idiots. you think by giving promotions, people will keep coming back? seriously, the way kbox is treating their customers, i'm quite sure they are going to lose a lot of customers to other karaoke operators. the timings used to be a 5-hr session, then they cut it down to 3 hours, and cut people off when they don't want to leave the room. then now they say we only have 2 1/2 hours, cos there are other bookings. yeah right.

yeah you may have the newest songs, but your top priority dun seem to be the customers. you think you're the monopoly in this market? far from it seriously. dun you know that by increasing customer satisfaction, you can have higher customer loyalty too? by coming up with all these stupid stunts, chasing people away when obviously the entire place is empty, is not going to help with your reputation and customer retention.

i'm quite a regular at kbox, but the place is seriously pissing me off already. there's never once when we can sing till we're really satisfied. and 2 1/2 hours is seriously ridiculous. and they never realised their drinks are OVERLY sweet. they trying to cause diabetes ah.-_-

while other places are dying to increase service and customer loyalty, kbox is going the opposite way. one day, you're going to have to close down your outlets one by one, and you prob won't even understand why.

luckily the company was good, if not this would have seriously spoiled my day. charles and i had a really great chat after the kbox session, emo-ing about stuff and confiding in each other. glad we met up amidst the craziness in school, cos it's stuff like these that are keeping me sane.

school week is over, but there are still SOOOO many project meetings. 3 coming up for the next two days, when supposedly thurs and fri are my free days. sigh...

原来。。。

我一直认为批评对我来说，是我进步的主要动力。但今天我发现，我没有那么伟大，我没有想象中坚强。我虽然没有很多知心朋友，但我总觉得我的人际关系应该算是不错的。那可是大错特错。无意间得罪的人，其实很多。我不是要让每个人喜欢我，但我是需要别人肯定的。

22岁了，连一点成就也没有。亲情，感情，友情，“事业”，交出来的，也不过白纸几张。

可是我还是对我未来一点憧憬也没有。我的眼前就好像一片空白，没有光，没有景色。我只知道人是要往前走的，可是我真的不知道我要走到哪里。我连基本的存在感都没有，又凭什么知道我人生的目标呢？

可笑的是，我心中总是有着一种“害怕”。我不知道它的由来，我只知道它已缠了我好久好久。我什么都怕，也许就是因为这样，我好像都在原地踏步。

我已经不知道自己是谁了。我不喜欢现在的自己，不喜欢这种莫名的害怕，不喜欢在众人的期待中生活。信心？我根本都不认识。

如果时光可以倒流，我也许根本都不应该来到这世界。我的生活不算苦，但如果连我自己都讨厌我自己，生存又有什么意义？

仿佛就像个竹子，外壳是硬的，还可以拿来晒衣服，但内心空虚的很。

criticisms vs encouragement

for a person who's constantly plagued with confidence issues, it's advisable not to keep criticising him/her for the mistakes they commit. encouragement would do a better job because at least it doesn't crush the already low level of confidence the individual has on himself/herself.

and the low-confidence individual will retaliate in the form of silent anger, which sometimes is even scarier than outright anger. this is a defensive action, because the individual has constructed an invisible fence around himself/herself so as not to appear hurt by the comments that he/she receives.

sometimes, what he/she wants is just encouragement, just saying things like, "you didn't do well in these aspects, but you did well in other aspects." it sounds really hypocritical here, but seriously, for a person in desperate need of some confidence boost, this is really the type of encouragement you should give.

one reason i haven't been driving (contrary to the many other reasons that i've told others) is that i'm afraid of being scolded again when i make a wrong judgment or when i step on the accelerator instead of the brakes. i just dun want to end up being the laughing stock of the family whenever similar situations occur.

yes i've made mistakes in the past, but can't you move on and stop bringing those stuff up? it's not only making me feel lousy about myself, it's stopping me from driving altogether. and it's not like i made severe mistakes. i haven't brought any harm to the car at least. and when you were learning, you hated someone beside you telling you what to do, and to scream everytime you made a mistake, so why do the same thing to me? it's not like i didn't notice the mistakes that i've made.

and however good or experienced a driver is, he or she will always make mistakes. you dun expect someone who's still learning to be an ideal driver. yes you can point out my mistakes, but pls, for goodness sake, move on and let me have the confidence of driving after the experience. people need time to learn, and if one's confidence is always being crushed, what makes you think the person will have the confidence to drive again?

after so long, i've finally made myself drive again, so please let me drive till i learn how to drive on my own, then at least i will not be laughed at.

when i have the means, i will seriously want to buy my own car and drive myself around. then i dun have to be subjected to all the criticisms and laughter at my driving.

and i hate it when people do not practise what they preach. seriously, if i can only be at the receiving end of all blames, and you're ALWAYS right, i really dunno how long i can stay quiet about all these.

so ironic that i've been feeling seriously shitty about stuff that has been going on these days since i've just done an assignment on "improving happiness level". maybe the 'h' word just doesn't work for me.

just got rejected by the only call and interview i got from my internship applications. back to more intensive submission of resumes and cover letters.

IA mid-term tmr evening, leadership peer evaluation due on sunday noon, wow, absolutely no break even during weekends. what a life. what an e-learning. e-torture maybe.

the week.

this week's rather busy, but i'm glad the (school) week is over. haven't been doing a lot of school work, but yeah at least i'm getting by rather smoothly.

had a IA presentation on monday morning. that was crazy. we didn't have any sense of urgency until sunday night, when we met at 7pm then chionged in school all the way till 11pm, and we weren't even 100% done. had to go home and come up with more stuff after that. didn't help that we are supposed to be the first group to present and it was a 9am class. so we decided to meet 8am in school. =X this was despite having two meetings before this meeting in school on sunday evening (which was 元宵 btw).

the first meeting was at a starbucks in town and we went there just to learn that everyone in the group didn't understand the entire article at all. the second meeting was at joce's place. we discussed and after two of our group members left, the other four of us decided to take a rest and started k-ing using joce's karaoke system. in the end, we sang till 3am. it was crazy, but i have to say i really enjoyed myself! of cos i warned them about my tone-deafness, but it was all good fun. kind of a stress reliever lar.

the rest of the lessons weren't too bad. as usual, i didn't read most of the readings we were supposed to. but luckily still managed to get by.

and my parents got a new desktop after my bro's 5 year-old desktop died on them. it's quite cool actually. it's just a monitor that has almost everything inbuilt (i think that's the new style of desktops?) and wireless mouse and keyboard. looks cool, and the speakers are great also. think my dad loves it now. and i benefitted from their purchase too! they could top up a little to get a canon printer, and i told them i'll buy the printer from them! (haven't paid them actually, wait for them to get from me. haha.) so now, i finally have a printer in my room. last time only my bro's room has a printer, and he's really anal about the usage, so now at least i dun need to go to his room everytime i need to print.

it's funny how even my parents are so obsessed with technology and can't seem to live without a computer already.

and i'm happy today cos i drove home today from school without much hiccups! had some judgment issues, but yeah it was generally ok i think. this is despite not driving for more than a year already. my bro has been forcing me to drive ever since the sem started, and today i finally got to do it. wasn't as bad as i expected. i should really drive more often to get the hang of it. and when i finally can drive the car without anyone beside me, i think that's great. i would one day want to buy my own car and drive it around anw.

oh and i applied for several internship positions. it's seriously a pain man. but anw shell rejected my internship application even before i reached interview stage. hmmm maybe i wasn't serious enough when i filled in the form, but ah well. i applied for 5-6, and only one got back to me so far, and it's gia. going for the interview on friday morning. i kinda dun expect anything much out of it, but at least it's a good interview practice session. hope it doesn't scare me too much!

seriously hope i can find a good internship, but i think i'm not proactive enough. maybe i'm still hoping that chances will come by themselves. how naive can i get. i'm also rather indecisive about the nature of job i want to go into. i still applied for positions in banks even though i've told myself and others i won't want to work in a bank. ah well. now, i should just explore my options and see what all these effort will bring me to.

刺猬

温岚 - 刺猬

最后一抹的微笑 在转身之后 我闭上眼哭了
仅存的一点点骄傲 华丽的外表终于丢掉
很彷徨很孤单 是寂寞或 悲惨 一个人该怎么办

像是刺猬般防范 伪装的勇敢 不轻易让你看穿
我以为可以很坦然 面对分开时不觉得伤感
然而将灯关上 一片无 声黑暗 心痛的大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强 每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强 不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻
刺猬的坚强全都是假象 哭吧

像是刺猬般防范 伪装的勇敢 不轻易让你看穿
我以为可以很坦然 面对分开时不觉得伤感
然而将灯关上 一片无 声黑暗 心痛的大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强 每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强 不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻
刺猬的坚强全都是假象

我想我没那么坚强 每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好 渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤
承认我没那么坚强 不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏 比傻瓜还傻
刺猬的坚强全都是假象 哭吧

i'm 22.

i wanted to blog on my birthday, but i was so tired that night plus i had to rush quite a lot of work, so had to postponed it till today. dun even know if anyone still reads this lousy blog, but yeah, it's for my own future reading too.=)

anyway, i really think my birthday was very well-spent. woke up early early in the morning to send johnson off at the airport who flew off at 930am so we had to reach there around 8am. my eyes weren't even open fully. but yeah, met kelly at the mrt station and went to the airport together. it's rather hilarious when he came up to shake my hand and wished me happy birthday when i saw him. feels damn weird lar basically. anw, he's like the last person to go off for exchange, but somehow school feels so much emptier without all the black rose freshies.

stayed at the airport and talked to very much a random group of people. 2 year threes with 4 year twos. but yeah, got a lift from a new friend home at least!=) (i seriously love people who stay in the east and have a car!=P)

and so, one hour later, i left home to get to sue jen's place. met ja and cynli for lunch, and totally enjoyed all the convos. i love how we can talk about almost everything under the sun. sue jen joined us after a while and we went to her house to bai nian, chat and play foosball. and they gave me a surprise! no present lar, but there was a cake.=) just a few hours, but i really felt so at ease. a lot has changed, and yet a lot still remained the same.

after that, took a lift from cynli and went down to tanjong pajar to have dinner with my family + aunt cat. and aunt cat not only treated the meal, she also gave me a bday present! she's like the closest auntie we have, and she and her family have always been soooo nice to us. ah well. i wish i will earn enough money in the future to reciprocate the kindness.

and after dinner was supper with yowie! charles and him (despite coming in different cars) waited at my void deck for me and gave me another surprise! a small cake with a candle. and they sang a super loud birthday song too. haha.

and then i came home to touch up on the elevator pitch for my leadership class.-_-

before my birthday was a surprise celebration for vivien and i at mof in bugis! love black rose!=)

and yeah, even till today, there have been people coming up to me and saying happy (belated)birthday. it's times like these when i know i cannot complain for the friends i have. most may not be people whom i can go to when i feel sad and horrible, but you know they'll be there for meals and make you happy when you request for one.

i agree that by not expecting anything, you will never be disappointed and hence getting upset over things that do not seem important to others. i should always remember that the things i value are different from the things others value.

(today i just screwed up a 5% assignment for dynamic pricing. thought we couldnt redo the assignment, but seemed like EVERYBODY redid it. what fairness is there.)

must be happy and cherish whatever i have!

and every year's wishes are more or less the same, and none have ever come true. then again, if wishes can come true, they wouldnt be known as wishes, there's a certain "impossibility" in it such that you have to wish for it. (ok i think nobody will understand this.=X)

and yeah, you disappointed again. i should have just let go earlier. no point hanging on to something that the other party doesnt believe in anymore.

22.

happy birthday to myself!

off i go to the airport to send johnson off, lunch with ja cynli jen, then dinner with aunt cat + family. and then after today, it's 8 crazy weeks of school.

shall be happy at least on my birthday!=)

getting older

as one grows older, i think the importance of birthdays diminishes. perhaps it's to do with not wanting to accept the fact that we're getting older by the day.

from young, i'd always looked forward to my birthdays, thinking that birthdays are the happiest days of the year. but that's not always true, i realised after 21 years.

this year, i almost forgot that my birthday was coming up. in any case, i wasn't planning to celebrate also. it's the day before school restarts, and 22nd feb is like the most horrible day cos there are just SOOO many things due. i dun understand why lecturers like to make things due on the week RIGHT after cny. argh.

but yeah, age is just a number. birthday is just another day. maybe in a few years time, i wouldn't even remember how old i am. haha ok i'm kidding.

this is a useless post i realised. ah well.

happy cny and v-day!

happy cny everyone!

and happy v-day to those who have someone to celebrate the day with!

another meaningless v-day for me, but i think getting used to it is a must! and i'm starting to think that, perhaps, it isn't such a bad thing after all.

and maybe cny is meaningless too. i didn't even have any exciting conversations with my cousins/aunties/uncles/nieces/nephews who i see once a year. it's just funny to know that i actually have a total of 25 nieces and nephews already (from my mum's side only). when they're all together, the house becomes so noisy. but it's hilarious the things they do and say.

ah well. cny visiting is kinda over for me, except a visit to my prof's house tmr, which is at the opposite end of singapore from my place. wow. after that, is a whole lot of projects and assignments to complete.

what a good idea nus has for combining recess week with cny break. argh.

ultimate tear-inducing song

五月天 - 突然好想你
词/曲：阿信

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚 绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音
不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今 终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你 你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什麽你 带我走过最难忘的旅行
然後留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜 那麽美 那麽相信
那麽疯 那麽热烈的曾经
为何我们 还是要奔向各自的幸福
和遗憾中老去

突然好想你 你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚 绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息
最怕此生已经决心自己过 没有你
却又突然 听到你的消息

i dunno how many times i've posted this song on my blog, but i got to say it must be one of the most tear-inducing songs i've ever heard. you just have to imagine what the lyrics is trying to say, and its really hard not to tear. at least the tears weren't for anyone this time.

reflections

i was doing some reflections, while reading the "how of happiness", and i realised that, although jc was a tough period of time, it was also the time when i was the happiest.

the times the 25ths stood in front of the crowd cheering for our school. the times when 6h played squash against the stairway, played floorball, frisbee, basketball, handball and thrashed the other classes. the times when 6h will laugh at ourselves for getting the worst average amongst the so6 classes. the times when i stood in front of BB and attempted to rah-rah them. the times when i went down for inter-house competitions and saw my house members fighting so hard to win. the times when 6h petitioned to get our gp tutor sacked. the council camp days. the softball training days. the times when we gossiped hell lot while studying for A levels. the times when i was busy smsing during class and knew NUTS about what was going on in class. the times we played bridge/spades at the 6th or 7th level to avoid getting caught. the times we spent at j8 after trainings, lessons, whatever. the times when jun and i would indulge in many many sessions of encouraging each other and stopping the tears for the other.

and of cos, good things always come to an end. there are mistakes i've made, there are friendships i'm dying to repair, but at the end of it, i think these are the things that really made me grow up and saw the best and worst sides of people.

and as i came into uni, my priorities changed. it wasn't about fun and happiness anymore. it wasn't even about character development anymore. it was about damage control, controlling the damage i've caused by having too much fun in jc. A levels was a disaster, and anyone who knows me well enough knows that it's probably one of the few things that had caused the worst hurt in me. it was irreparable, and the only thing i could do was to make sure i do well in uni.

but of cos, there are limited things i can repair, and honestly, i've been really unsuccessful. i wouldn't say i have tried my best, but sometimes, i wonder if all these things happen for a reason at all. i've always believed that things happen for good reasons, but this belief has been challenged ever since a levels. it even made me question if the parental relationship is conditional based on grades. i wouldn't deny the parental love that i've received over the last 22 years, especially the last year. but i just dun agree with the methods that were used.

perhaps, such a change in my family also led me to stand up for myself more than i did in the past. now, i dun have to ask for permission for things that i did. i started to dye/rebond/perm my hair, pierced two more ear holes, bought more expensive clothes, etc. these were things i was afraid to do in the past, cos i would be scolded. i feel more freedom at least.

it's just that when i look back at my uni days now, my memory is filled with things that i was "forced" to do, that even though i do not mind doing, i am not 100% enjoying them. there are no similar passion anymore, or maybe no one to share the passion. which is why i miss council days, when most people did things with a genuine passion and not really that of boosting their resumes (or so i hope!).

and more importantly, there's no one who truly understand the things you do the way you do them. explanations become such a chore. finding someone to talk is not as easy as making some expression and the other party will understand. wanting to hang out is not as easy as simply studying together then going for dinner after that. getting rid of emotions is not as easy as picking up my phone and smsing you, or you.

perhaps, this is part of growing up, and gradually entering into the cruel realities. the things that matter the most to me seem to be getting further from me, and i seem to have accepted the fact, to get accustomed to the life that i dun really fancy, but one in which i'm more familiar with.

ridiculous complaint

was at a hotel today to celebrate my mum's birthday, but some ridiculous comments spoiled my lunch.

we were eating happily when a waiter came up to me and whispered into my ear, "some guests complained that your dress is too short."

WTF @@##!#$%^^@@!@#$$

i didn't go find out who, and didn't say anything, but i was so damn angry inside.

seriously, even if my skirt was THAT short, is it YOUR business?!??! who are you to COMPLAIN that my dress is short??!?!? i dun see the point of COMPLAINING to a waiter.

and... i'm wearing a pair of shorts inside. if you are blind, then i feel SO sorry for you. would i be crazy to wear a dress that exposes my butt?! wtf. and even if i was, i'm the one who's degrading myself, YOU dun have to complain.

i'm DAMMMMN pissed off. i have never gotten complained before in my ENTIRE life. and what kind of stupid comment is that. you teaching me how to be decent?! seriously a joke man.

stupid comment that spoiled my entire day. i seriously dun understand people who like to mind other people's business. i didn't do anything wrong, and i dun see a reason to be sorry about it. i seldom get angry over such stuff cos i think people usually complain for a reason, but i just dun see any reason behind this. if you say you are CONCERNED over my short dress, FINE. but if you want to COMPLAIN about it, then i will NEVER understand your point of view.

reflected best self

i'm not someone who likes to ask people for favour. pride, ego, acting strong, whatever.

but for one of my modules, i had to get at least 10 people to write 3 stories of me at my best. i was excited over it, cos well i never had to go thru that ever since council, and i really think self-discovery is very fun.

i know it might be hard for most of my friends, considering they have their own school work and other commitments too, but somehow, the response that i got was really encouraging.

not all replied of cos (some i sent to email accounts that they dun check=X), but i actually got more than 10 in the end, which means close to 3/4 of the people i sent to actually replied, higher than i initially expected.

i was pleasantly surprised. and some of the things that they wrote, i didn't even think it'd be one of the top three things that i did with them. i guess people do observe the things that you've done and remember them.

the intention behind this exercise is to let people know their strengths and build on these strengths rather than the conventional working on their weaknesses. working on strengths is supposed to give them even more motivation to do better, because you're approaching improvement from the positive side of people, which they tend to prefer.

also builds confidence of cos, which i need i suppose. heh.

but anyhow, just wanted to reiterate that i seriously appreciate all my friends' efforts to write 3 stories for me, no matter how short the stories may be. really taught me to cherish the friendships that i have and try to make a difference in their lives too!=)

happiness?

after the third week of school, i'm still not in the mood for mugging. i'd intended to start work today after slacking ytd, but i just didn't feel like doing anything. and knowing that i have loads to complete before next week, perhaps i have to work extra hard the next few days.

i just have some thoughts after attending one of my lectures on interpersonal relations and effectiveness. the class is essentially about attaining happiness (with a tb called "the how of happiness"). it felt so ironic, getting me to discuss about happiness when most of the time, i dunno how happiness feels like.

but somehow it reminded me of some stuff. one of the comments went, "you have to experience the lows to understand how the highs feel like." sound exactly like what i told a friend a few years back. and we were told to email 15-20 friends to get 3 stories each to illustrate when i'm at my best. i felt paiseh, but looking at some of the replies, i actually feel rather glad that we were told to do so.

it felt so much like council evaluations. and i've always liked such self-discovery sessions. i just never expected to do all these in a module, when everyone is competing to get a good grade. it just feels so wrong to do all these with the hope of getting good grades for the module.

then again, i feel myself slightly happier these days. may be due to various small reasons, for example my parents coming back from bangkok, my family relations improving, some friendships renewed, etc. but still, i feel slightly more at ease with myself than the last few years. i dunno whether such a feeling is permanent, but at least i feel some improvement.

and i think talking to joce is quite therapeutic too. i'm so glad we're getting closer now, talking not just about school work, and everything else too, like what we did during the weekends, etc. but yeah, i think having a friend who is always willing to listen and whom i dun mind confiding in is a good thing for me. i do realise i have some mental barrier that i can't get over, but i will try. and i think i've been emotional only because i dun allow myself to be happy, to be contented. i only have myself to blame then.

perhaps my better mood also arose from the fact that i went back to rj, back to where all the happiest and saddest periods of my life happened. it's probably the only schooling period that i would want to return to and change some stuff about it. but then again, even though i didn't know anyone there, other than recognising some canteen uncles and aunties and some teachers, it still felt like a second home to me, a place where i spent two full years growing up at. everything's so different, but yet still felt the same.

now in uni, i really dun like this period of sourcing for internship. i hate boasting about how i can contribute to organisations and about my capabilities. it's not something that i'm good at, and bad things seem to always come out of it. perhaps it's really a matter of confidence, but when there's nothing to make you feel confident about yourself, there's no way you can feel confident. vicious cycle maybe?

life.

i just cried again, but this time was while i was watching 海派甜心. as usual, i'm crying while watching a show again.

maybe it's only on shows that i get to imagine myself in people's shoes and try to imagine a more interesting life.

two assignments due this week. WOW. second week of school only. at least tmr marks the end of the working week for me.

wanted to rant about how irritating it is to have a 10% assignment due on the 2nd week of school, but ah well, probably it's good to get me going for the week.

i was so pissed off with dylan, but i just couldn't bring myself to scold him. or maybe i should say, i just can't bring myself to scold anyone. but i haven't seen anyone else who's less concerned about his own stuff. i haven seen anyone so irresponsible. i haven't seen anyone so rude.

but somehow, beneath the person he portrays himself to be, i find someone who's similar to me in some sense. i asked him why he ignored his baby cousin when she said bye to him. he told me, "cos when i'm bad to her, then she will go 'wow' when i accomplish something."

lowering the expectations of others sounds just too familiar to me. i hate it when people are disappointed in me. i guess it's the same with him.

i think the best thing i learnt while giving him tuition is to try to appreciate the inner self of others than to purely look at the exterior.