an empty shell.

i was just reminded of my inability to secure a scholarship, whether it's with my As results, or with my cap score. sometimes i really wonder why do i bother working so hard to prove myself to my parents if i can't even get a scholarship. cos that's all they want to see isn't it. no matter how well i do, that's not even important. the key is whether i can relieve them of their financial burden, like bro.

it's so tragic. up till now, my interview skills still suck like hell. i can't even convince the interviewers that i should be granted a scholarship. with my cap and my resume, it shouldn't even be a problem. but what the hell is wrong with me. as much as others may think otherwise, i really think i'm a useless person with no substance. or maybe i'm just putting on a mask to attempt to be someone i'm not.

my inferiority complex do come back to haunt me at times like these. and to think i'm actually quite an elitist, as much as i hate to admit it. what's the point of building up a resume, getting into all sorts of elitist programs like BGS when i can't even carry myself well enough. it's times like these that i wonder if i've really chosen the right course for myself. yes i do enjoy the modules, the content, but business is all about networking, and if i dun even possess this basic skill, what is the point of me taking up business?

ahhh why am i someone with no real ambition at all? sometimes i wish i didn't over-achieve when i was younger, so at least whatever i'm getting now is not disappointing my parents at all. i hate to disappoint people, especially my parents cos all they do from now on is to keep digging at this very fact that i didn't get a scholarship.

yes i should be aiming for the big firms, but to me, all these are not even important. it's only important cos my parents think it's important. and that's the only way to earn big bucks in future, or at least that's what they think.

sometimes i really wish i was just a normal person, going the normal route. there's no room to regret now, but i really feel i'm just an empty shell, a lonely tragic empty shell abandoned by the rest of the world.