welcoming 2009

i said i'd post photos up, so here they are! i'm so lag even though i've been at home the whole time. =X


i like this photo! haha too bad they forbid me to post on fb, so here it comes!=)


my display pic! haha.


our favourite spot for taking photos - jess' bed.=P gotta thank my camera's wide lens for this photo, and of cos jess' long hands.=)

as usual, i've been nuaing at home the entire day the last few days. except on sunday in which i met cherry for dinner at MOF - i really love the food there! - and then went with her bf and his friends for supper at simpang. ended up reaching home at 4am. was just playing the role of an accompanying friend, and i didn't even say a single word to all his friends there. i'm so unfriendly ah. haha.

it's the last day of 2008 now. i can't say i've achieved much this year. in fact, i think i'm really quite useless this year. the first half of the year started well i guess, with the numerous commitment - stardust, rag, ibiza - and of cos with the deans list which kinda made my parents happy. the second half was horrible. results deteriorated, failed to get a scholarship, everything wasn't going quite right. i lost my motivation i guess.

the world itself was in a mess also. mas selamat escaped and haven't been found till now, the milk scandal, the edison chen scandal, the collapse of banks in US, the mumbai bombings, the strikes in bangkok (i seriously wonder how they can get out of their mess. the supporters of the side which did not get into the governtment will always go on strike, so how do they expect the government to recover the economy and the mess in the country?), the sichuan earthquake which revealed china's usage of lousy materials to build their buildings (was it this year?=X), etc.

nonetheless, 2008 is coming to an end in a day, and i do hope all these mess will be cleared up soon and people will continue to move on.

as we welcome 2009, i wonder what is in store in our calendars. to be honest, i've lost faith in many many things, and life goes on only because life has to go on, and not because i want to live this life. it's a tragedy really, but i guess nothing that has happened so far had made me regain my faith in the things that i do, and the things and people around me.

one huge aspect is of cos my family. i can't deny that i've always had problems with them. last night i overheard my father talking to someone in hainanese (must be one of my aunties), and even though i dun understand hainanese, i could somehow make out that he was complaining about my bro. the story is that, a few days ago my mum and dad both bought the newpaper, my dad screamed at my mum saying that he already told her that he will buy it, and obviously my mum didn't hear that, and that was why she actually bought it too.

my bro got damn angry with my dad for raising his voice at my mum, and shouted, "why do you all have to argue over a newpaper?"and he continued by shouting, "has he ever treated you as a wife?" to my mum. my dad got so angry that he slammed the door. and my bro got even angrier and shouted, "want to fight come lar". luckily the fight didn't happen.

i couldn't decide who was in the fault actually. i mean, yes it was my dad's fault for shouting at my mum for no good reason. he has always been rude to my mum, but all she could do was to keep quiet. i guess she's used to it. but my bro doesn't like it this way. i just thought his approach was wrong. like by shouting such stuff to my dad, wasn't he being rude to my dad too?

the problem with the entire issue is that, neither would admit they are wrong. and i believe my dad would continue to keep this matter in his heart and bring it up one day when they quarrel. i haven't seen such a petty man actually. i guess him being my dad, we have already seen all the horrible sides. for one, he actually stopped talking to both his kids. i mean yes he has high expectations, but that certainly doesn't warrant such a long, and i believe perpetual, cold war with his kids. so we're only judged and measured by the results that we achieve?

and my bro's temper. i'm scared of even going on streets with him cos i really dunno when he'll throw his temper at strangers. i told him i'm even scared of doing projects with him cos i know we'll certainly conflict. but of cos i can't deny that he's a good bro.

and myself, i guess i'm really quite a horrible kid for always raising my voice at my mum. at this time and age, sometimes i wonder why parents still exhibit favouritism towards guys. i mean there are just too many examples which i can raise to back my view. yes one can say i'm being over-sensitive, but really, it feels horrible when all you can do is to play second-fiddle in your own family and feel inferior cos of that.

ah well, enough of those. sometimes i seriously wish i wasn't who i am. but i guess we all got to be contented with what we have.

had wanted to come up with some new year resolutions for the next year, but i figured that such stuff never ever did work for me. dreams never come true, wishes were never fulfilled, hopes were always dashed, expectations were always crushed. so what's the use of actually thinking about all those in the first place.

3 more days to taiwan...=)

simple fun

it was a rather simple but interesting christmas i must say. i didn't plan to do anything or specially meet anyone this festive season, but somehow, it was still quite enriching.

jess house on wednesday! we chatted, joked around, cam-whored, watched movies, played cards, did the usual stuff basically but it was really enjoyable. drank a bit too but i got damn red and slightly high after that. ah well, good way to wake me up actually. haha!

photos will be up soon! i'm so lazy to post them up now cos it's sooo late now.

and then christmas day!! woke up, went with mum to send dad to work, and then went to vivo. saw mr siva performing on stage! wondered if he actually saw me looking at his performance, but ah well. mum forced me to treat her to gloria jeans coffee (i've been often forced to treat ever since i started having excess cash from tuition.=X)

the main thing is, I DROVE TODAY!! haha i must say it's quite an achievement. i drove from tanjong pagar to home, and from home to the pasir ris courts/ikea/giant megastores. ok lar, the ride was rather smooth cos of three reasons:
(1) it was a public holiday so roads were extra empty
(2) i could park cos it was a head straight in kinda lot
(3) the car had a total of 3 drivers 'driving' at the same time, namely my bro, mum and myself

i'm still not confident of my driving though (i didn't want to say this, but even though i've passed for 1 year 3 months, i still put up the p-plates JUST IN CASE.=X). but anyhow, i haven't driven since september i think, and so i should think it was quite a breakthrough. my mum and bro should be glad i can't drive on my own yet so i won't fight with them for the car. i shall be contented with public transport at the moment. heh.

had quite a nice dinner too! home-made steak + sausage + campbell soup + (special for the day) red wine! i must say first that my family members, other than my bro and i who drink very occasionally for the fun of it, do not drink alcohol at home, so this was actually the first time we did so. somehow, i feel that it was a nice day spent with my family. we never really did celebrate christmas (or any other festivals or bdays or anniversaries for that matter), so even if it was just a simple meal at home, it still felt good. =)

then, i went to become a 'santa claus' by playing mahjong. those who had played money with me before would know that i NEVER EVER win money from mahjong before. i always lose money, and am always the biggest loser.=( played with ja marcus and bess for 1/4 round and i lost $3.80. so people love to play with me rite, cos i always finance their winnings. =X luckily it was a short game, if not i'd have lost A LOT more. haha!

two days of simple fun. time to really treasure my holidays and make better use of the time! special thanks to jocelin for planning our timetable! omg i was how lazy the entire holidays and she just did everything for us. and thank goodness she's helping me to bid when cors open. if not i really dunno what to do when i'm in taiwan.

and and...i must say dennis is really such a lovely freshie. he msged me from indo wishing me merry christmas and we ended up msging each other even though each sms is probably like 10 times more expensive than if he were to be in s'pore. somehow, his smses or the things he say will always brighten up my day.=) thank goodness for black rose. i really really REALLY appreciate having such a wonderful og.

i think this must have been the third or fourth time someone asked me this holidays, "why are you not getting a bf?" wow.

slight disappointment...

just received my results. my cap did drop by a fair bit, but somehow i dun feel that upset by it. it's hanging at the edge of a first-class honours now, but i suppose i'd be contented with a second upper when i graduate, so this seems fine at the moment.

i'm just disappointed with my three B+ for my three core modules cos i set out to score well in these modules! a surprising A+ for my level three module though, and an A- for finance which i did so badly for the mid-term. a rather good comeback i must say. ah well. at least i kept all my grades at B+ and above.

haven't heard a lot of good news from the results that i heard so far. hopefully everyone is fine with their results!

enough of results! went for dental ytd afternoon. i think my dentist wanted to remove my braces ytd, but couldn't in the end cos the top elastic broke and resulted in a rotation of one of my teeth.=( so now he's trying to rotate it back again, and that means at least another month of suffering..never did expect a full 2 years worth of braces treatment when i started off, but ah well, just hope it'll be removed before my 21st, or best, before cny!=)

before i went for dental, i saw buddy david on the train in the same carriage! omg that was so coincidental, and he was going for his dental appointment also!=) so nice to meet him on the train. caught up a bit but he got off 2 stops later, so didn't talk much. ahh i miss my buddies...

then after my dental decided to meet val at vivo and called dennis to come along cos he was asking about it. then vivien was with dennis so in the end 4 of us walked around! i miss black rose!!=( though it's always these small gatherings this hols, but i'll always have fun with them around. sorta surprised dennis a little cos he kept asking for his present. gave him jelly beans from candy empire but he said he doesn't eat sweets.=( at least he was appreciative!=) and i finally found people (or rather person) who want to take science gem next sem! dennis said he doesn't mind. haha. ah well see how first lar. still got slightly more than a week to decide.

actually, i dun have many things to look forward to now now that results are out. only taiwan!=)

turtle

i miss all my friends!=( have been cooping myself up at home these days that i really miss hanging out with friends, going shopping, chatting, kboxing, everything! sometimes i wonder why i've changed so much from young. i used to be an extroverted little girl, planning all sorts of outings and gatherings, and talking to everyone i know. but now, not only i'm becoming a 宅女, i'm also gradually losing contact with so many so many friends.

can still remember all the 'friends forever' notes during primary school. i guess friends were really almost everything to me in the past. not that friendships have lost their significance, it's just that others have also caught up in 'ranking' as time passed. such a pity, really. i guess i'm just really horrible at maintaining friendships. sigh...

and now that i'm sorta planning a 21st bday party, have been wondering who to invite and realised, hey maybe i dun have many friends to invite after all. ah well, shan't think of all these first.

i really feel quite horrible about myself for not sourcing for an internship hard enough. all the emails in my nus inbox (though i haven't been checking them often) regarding internships, i haven't even been tracking them at all. i'm so directionless about my future, i'm so unmotivated to boost my resume, or maybe i should say i'm so lazy and scared of taking up good jobs.

sometimes i hate myself for it. i feel like i'm a turtle, hiding my head in my shell and coming out only when food is here, just doing whatever is necessary to survive. i'm not even walking around to look for some adventures or whatever opportunities that may come my way.

and what's the use of hating myself for it when i dun even try to improve. and i have to admit that one reason why i insist so much in not going for exchange is that i'm scared. scared of stepping out of my comfort zone, scared of living by myself for 6 months. scared of a new environment. scared of making new friends. even though i may tell people otherwise. sigh WANG YUYOU AMELIA! WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP!!!

帶我走

帶我走-楊丞琳

詞曲:蘇打綠

每次我總一個人走
交叉路口　自己生活
這次你卻說帶我走
某個角落　就你和我

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑　
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後
計算的步伐每個背影每個場景
都有發過的夢

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走　就算我的愛　你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕　帶我走

每次我總獨自遠走
保持緘默　不皺眉頭
這次你卻說一起走
彼此溫柔　從此以後

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑　
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後　
計算的伐每個背影每個場景　
都有發過的夢

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走　就算我的愛　你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕　帶我走

白馬溜過 漆黑盡頭　
潮汐襲來 浪花顫動
凝在海岸 結成了墨

薔薇朝向 草原氣球　
郵差傳來 一地彩虹
刻在心中拍打著脈搏

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕 帶我走

帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由都將成為泡沫
帶我走~

the more i listen to this song, the more i like it. sometimes i really just want to escape from everything, and hoping someone will do so with me. ah well.

ahhh dun understand why they allocate the modules also anyhow allocate the classes. what's with the alum group if they dun even use it! val mel and i are allocated different bizcomm and apb classes, like wth! and for bizcomm, if we wanna change, still have to find mutual swap or drop it then bid for it again using cors.-_- AHHH then somemore during the entire cors perios, i'll be overseas in taiwan, how to bid!!! sigh...

time is passing so quickly. and can't believe results will be released in slightly less than a week now. pls dun let my cap drop so much!

new camera!

bought a new camera yesterday! casio exilim z150. was looking for canon ixus actually, then went to gain city, harvey norman and audio house and they kept recommending this casio model. apparently it has a lot more functions than canon ixus. so i decided to buy the casio instead. came home and googled about this model and realised that it has a problem of shutter speed lag.=X but so far i'm still quite happy with it.=) can't be slower than my current olympus rite. =P

watched bolt with luther dennis and daryk today. (cancelled tuition in the end and i really felt quite bad about it. somemore this week didn't even have any.=X ah well) but didn't regret it a single bit cos as usual, being with black roses, even if it's just four of us, make me a lot happier. we watched the 3D version and it was quite a different experience. i think this must be my first movie ever since quantum of solace during bizad night to the movies. gosh. i'm such a suaku.

some test shots with my camera.


a secret shot of my mum at ding tai fung during our dinner...


us posing with the 3d specs after watching bolt!


the three guys who were watching with me.=)

ah well lets hope my holidays get more exciting. still have quite a lot of things unsettled but somehow i'm really too lazy to get down to doing them. modules choosing, stardust accounts (!!!), clearing of wardrobe, planning of bday presents, etc.

and of cos, my own 21st birthday celebration. i still haven't decided where i want to hold my celebrations. mum said i got to pay for everything if i want to have one.=(

an empty shell.

i was just reminded of my inability to secure a scholarship, whether it's with my As results, or with my cap score. sometimes i really wonder why do i bother working so hard to prove myself to my parents if i can't even get a scholarship. cos that's all they want to see isn't it. no matter how well i do, that's not even important. the key is whether i can relieve them of their financial burden, like bro.

it's so tragic. up till now, my interview skills still suck like hell. i can't even convince the interviewers that i should be granted a scholarship. with my cap and my resume, it shouldn't even be a problem. but what the hell is wrong with me. as much as others may think otherwise, i really think i'm a useless person with no substance. or maybe i'm just putting on a mask to attempt to be someone i'm not.

my inferiority complex do come back to haunt me at times like these. and to think i'm actually quite an elitist, as much as i hate to admit it. what's the point of building up a resume, getting into all sorts of elitist programs like BGS when i can't even carry myself well enough. it's times like these that i wonder if i've really chosen the right course for myself. yes i do enjoy the modules, the content, but business is all about networking, and if i dun even possess this basic skill, what is the point of me taking up business?

ahhh why am i someone with no real ambition at all? sometimes i wish i didn't over-achieve when i was younger, so at least whatever i'm getting now is not disappointing my parents at all. i hate to disappoint people, especially my parents cos all they do from now on is to keep digging at this very fact that i didn't get a scholarship.

yes i should be aiming for the big firms, but to me, all these are not even important. it's only important cos my parents think it's important. and that's the only way to earn big bucks in future, or at least that's what they think.

sometimes i really wish i was just a normal person, going the normal route. there's no room to regret now, but i really feel i'm just an empty shell, a lonely tragic empty shell abandoned by the rest of the world.

outings

woohoo! my taiwan trip is extended two days!! so i'm going to taiwan for 8 days now. =D AHHHH really looking forward to it sia. only bad thing is CORS bidding period is around that period too, so gotta settle all these in taiwan...sian...

just had 6h outing and council outing on sat and today respectively. quite fun to meet up actually, haven't seen so many of them in such a long time! just that i guess for 6h, i'm really drifting apart from them already. dun think i'm in any position to arrange any more outings cos i really dun feel that close to them anymore. such a waste really, cos i really enjoyed my jc days cos of them. now, i dun even have any common conversation topics to talk to them about, sadly.

kbox with 25ths was quite fun! sang all my new songs that i wanted to try. it's a lot of english songs this time round though. heh. but anyhow, went for dinner with a much smaller group, and chatted quite a bit too. and while talking to them, i realised how different rj guys are from my guy friends in uni. the topics they talk about, the mannerisms, everything. ah well, not like it's the first time i noticed such stuff anw.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if i just disappear for a while. like, will anyone bother to look for me, to find out what has happened, or whatever. i dunno, it's just a random thought. and i realised i spend more time online during exam time as compared to hols. sometimes i dun even sign into msn for a few days in a row now.


kbox with 25ths!


6h!


girls who were at soup restaurant!


cynli!


mingjie and cynli!

boring holidays....

i'm still living the life of a mugger even after exams are over. have been staying at home the last few days, playing computer game, watching variety shows and watching tv. sometimes i wonder what difference does it make now that exams are over. it's just that there's no need to study, and i won't feel guilty for playing those games or watching the shows.

maybe i should have just looked for a job or an internship, rather than wasting my time at home. but ah well. i suppose staying at home kinda saves a lot of money for me too. good for me who wants to buy a new camera and shopping at taiwan!=)

this holiday will probably be a very unfruitful one, other than the much-awaited holiday in taiwan. heard it'll be super cold there. suppose that's a new experience too! can't wait to visit all the sites i've been hearing on those variety shows, just that i only have 6 days there.=( but nvm, it's better than nothing!

back to my tv show!=)