黑玫瑰

first day after ice breakers.

2nd day at sentosa

another one at sentosa

3rd day at the pool

3rd day at timbre

23rd-26th june: a journey for the black roses.

4 days of non-stop surprises, fun and excitement

retrospectif marked the start of bizad years for our juniors

i dun think i'm close to anyone of them, but they are really wonderful people

love all of them...

BEST OG OF RETROSPECTIF - BLACK ROSE!!!

hei ah hei ah hei ah hei
mei ah mei ah mei ah mei
gui ah gui ah gui ah gui
we are
we are
black rose!!

even though nobody activated this cheer, i suppose each one of us in the og will always remember how we ran to different random places, surrounding people or even ran up the stage to cheer our hearts out for our beloved og.

last four days have been amazing. everything just came and passed. we all knew 18 more people during the camp. now i know why foc people are always so exclusive, it's cos of the bond they all share.

i remember being so unwilling to go for foc, cos i was so shagged from my bangkok trip, so many things left unpacked. and everything at home was in a mess. and doesn't help that i dun even have my camera with me.

i remember my first two days being total craziness, cos i was still suffering from a severe sleep debt. i was lying all over the place cos i was simply too tired, especially at nights.

but like i told my og, it was cos of their spirit that made me want to give in my best for the entire four days. didn't get to interact with them much though. i guess i'm still myself - an introvert even during such camps. but just observing their bonding is good enough. i wish i could be like them, starting bizad years on a such a good note, but it's too late.

we dun have extremely loud people, we dun have people with extreme talents like breakdancing or beatboxing, we dun have very good sportspeople, but what made us shine was our team spirit (like what francine says). i'm really really damn proud of them.

i'll always remember our k-tramming, k-walking, k-busing, k-LTing, whatever. the t-shirts that they made for us. our skit. our cheers. our wins at station games. our THREE pairs of funny SPs (worst was hsien yao's i suppose. can never forget his shock when he found out about all the funny things we did while he was blindfolded). the shock on their faces when they knew there was a fright night and when they knew val wasn't a freshie.

and of cos, will never forget how they signed up for rag as 'BLACK ROSE FRESHIES'. (talking about rag, pls go to ragdezvous.blogspot.com for more info. my description was damn amusing:
Deputy Head of Welfare - Amelia
She got famous last sem along the corridor of Bizad Club - mugging, doing projects, chit-chatting and selling Captain Kim snacks all at the same time! And she even found time to do Stardust and iBiza. Oh wells, typical RJcian..... )

千言万语尽在不言中。

i can never describe the pride i feel to be the councillor for such an og. i might not be close to the individuals in the og, but i'll never forget this amazing og.

BEST OG. they were so shocked when they knew we got the best og award. everybody wanted it, but nobody expected it (cos we lost many of our games after the first day). everyone was SOOO happy when the results were released.

BEST FEMALE FRESHIE - SHERLYN. oh man. she said it was just for our og. i'm so proud of her, and luther. nobody saw those sides of them. but they went all the way out for our og. amazing.

i really do hope we would stay bonded. rag is a good avenue. i want to go for og outings, i want to experience the things that i missed out last year.

ogl - kian
aogl - vivien
fake freshie - val
councillors - mel, brent, emily
guys - hsien yao, daryk, kenneth, kenny, johnson, luther, desmond, dennis
girls - sherlyn, melissa, amelia, ming ming, kelly, sarah, li ting, yuan yi, esther, ellen

I LOVE HEI MEI GUI!=)

bangkok!

back from bangkok and foc! oh man it has been so tiring! 2 weeks of pure craziness, but i've survived it and really enjoyed myself in the process.

i guess i broke a record of buying the most tops in a single trip. guangzhou was more accessories i think. i bought an average of 6-7 tops a day! so i actually have 20+ tops plus ONE pair of shorts, and a few accessories left unpacked in my two luggage. tailored my blazer too! one blazer, two long pants, 1 skirt, 2 shirts, and a pair of shorts that they did wrongly and kindly 'donated' to us. haha!

i suppose it was a good trip (other than the fact that i spent WAY more than i should have) since i settled quite a lot of things that i wanted to do for a long time - blazer, contact lens and DYED MY HAIR! (jun says i look like an ah lian.=X which i dun deny cos there's this bright yellow strip of hair as my fringe!)

but i guess the most important thing was that jun and i managed to spend loads of time together (i really quite pity her cos she was just following my family around the whole trip. didnt even have time to walk around the other places.=X) she was really amazed at how i spent my money over there.

i had like 98 emails to check when i came back, and my nus mail, and since mostly was about foc, i have no choice but to check them. came back at like 1am, and checked till like 4am before i could go to sleep. and had rag meeting at 4pm, so woke up, packed my stuff in a rush and had to rush to school for 4 nights of camp.

camera is with bro now in korea so i forced him to send our photos to me via email. haha. uploaded everything onto facebook already, so shall just post a few here:





































haha i'm so lazy to type captions. i think you can tell that i'm obsessed with mirror shots now. haha!

ok foc entry on a different entry. maybe i shall take photos of my loot from bangkok and post up here to scare people. heh!

off!

heard something on radio today .

到底是依赖或是恋爱？ 可能当事人自己也不晓得吧。

it was so weird today cos when i went for tuition today, dylan's mum gave me $100 more than usual. i was like, 'eh how come?'

she said, 'just for you to spend at bangkok. i can't find my baht. $100 not much lar. not even enough for your food. dun need to buy things for us ah.' i was SUPER paiseh can. ah well. i'm quite lucky i must say.

ok i'm so excited. my bag is so empty i feel so weird. i'm SOOO prepared to buy loads of stuff.=P

anything urgent, sms/call me yeah? i activated my international roaming!

back in 6 days! after which it's foc till 26th june. xiong! but exciting!=)

pessimism

now i finally truly understand why girls like to go for rich husbands/bfs. or maybe i just like to stereotype against rich guys. or maybe it's just an infatuation. but too bad, rich guys get attached damn easily and what's more the nice rich ones.

what a weird topic. i really sound damn materialistic here.

feeling slightly better today. nv really got out of feeling horrible about myself, but i just need things to keep me occupied.

you know, i think i've been pessimistic all my life that nobody really bothers when i'm thinking on the 'dark' side yet again. or maybe it's just cos i dun want most people to bother. jr was saying how he thought i'm not the pessimistic sort cos the impression i give people is that i'm strong.

but no, the strongest people are those who appear to be weak, while those who appear to be strong are in fact those who are the weakest. it's a convenient mask that some people put on to avoid being in the centre of attention.

i'm scared of a lot of things, i'm paranoid in fact. i imagine things. i think of the worst things that could happen. i'm a coward. i escape. i hide.

or maybe i'm just afraid of losing the very few things that i possess.

i'm a really horrible person. i'm jealous of everyone else around me.

everything that i really really want seems to go further away from me as time passes.

i shouldn't be WANTING something, maybe that's when the things will come.

worthless

warning: dun read if you're in a good mood.

i just sank into another round of inconsolerable tears-fighting session.

trigger: nothing.

having an inferiority complex really sucks. your emotional state seems to be always on a roller-coaster.

i never ever realised the impact of all the physical/verbal abuse since young. now, i'm starting to realise it.

it's something to do with my personality also. i like to compare myself with others, and i like everything to be fair and just.

when comments you hear from outsiders are mostly positive, while nothing's positive when you're at home, sometimes you just wish you were never at home.

nothing's enough. and when efforts are not recognised, i dun see the point of proving anything anymore.

i feel like my worth at home is just the certificate that i get. without that, i'm worthless.

not that it's any better outside of home.

as a friend to anyone, i've never felt as if my absence would make any difference.

i've been happily thinking about what i should do for my 21st birthday next year, until a sudden realisation hit me just now. why am i making things difficult for others? if i'm gonna hold a party, it means that people have to buy presents. this is like forcing people to buy stuff. and in any case, i'm quite sure my family won't want to spend the unnecessary money, and that people won't want to spare that time and effort to celebrate MY birthday.

i feel like walking around aimlessly having all the time in the world to myself. along the beach, along a busy pavement, whatever.

my eyes are stinging from the tears.

pls dun scold me for being unappreciative. pls dun say things like people around me actually do care for me. i've heard such stuff millions of times, but they never ever sunk in, cos i never ever felt it.

photo entry

some overdue photos:

kbox session with kang, kayleigh and meiyu!








surprise!

us with all the food=)






it's been a long time since i went to jun's house, and everything seemed so familiar. her family members still as welcoming as ever, and her shower is still so refreshing. i love how we can just sit around and talk for so long, about everything. it's the simplicity that never fails to make me feel the warmth inside me.

as things are moving on and zooming past all of us, it's such friendships that allow us to keep our feet on the ground and realise that there are still people worth living a life for.

thanks for accepting me for who i am, cos i know there are only a very small handful of people who will do so.

when...

when you just dun feel enough strength and energy to project your voice and talk to others

when you shoot down comments as they come

when you feel irritated at every word that your friend says

when you just feel like throwing your hp away or putting it aside so that you won't have to answer calls or reply smses

when you wish that the bus journey home is longer than it is

when you alight one stop earlier than your bus stop just to walk slowly back home

when you're walking and taking such small steps that you take twice the amount of time you usually take to reach home

when you refuse to switch on your computer for fear of checking emails or replying others

when you're always appearing offline on msn

when you're lying on your bed but you're not even sleeping

when you do things that you normally dun do and regret it afterwards

you know it's not a good day.

i have no idea why i'm upset, but i just am.

i need a time machine to bring me to 17th june and stop time when i'm in bangkok.

you know it's always bad when even you yourself hate yourself

jun's back!=)

i'm so sian of stuff now. back from 2-days foc dry run, and have to try to settle so many stuff. it's like, yes i know we're dragging on and on, but still, work seems never-ending.

and if you think you have the authority, i'm sorry but i really don't think so.

was really quite pissed off. ah well.

less about the negative stuff, foc dry run was quite fun, less the at times not very exciting games, but yeah, at least got to know more people and had fun with them. felt a bit bad cos i knew i wasn't participating at a very high rate. i do hope i'll be more high when the time really comes. i've somehow lost the enthusiasm i had in jc.

quite sun-burnt, and body aching now. sigh.

highlight of the week: JUN'S BACK!!!

heh. kang and i went to her house on sunday night to surprise her, but it wasn't much of a surprise.=( but anyhow, it was a great time sitting down and catching up. been such a long time since we have done so together. phone and msn aren't even half as good as these conversations.

then stayed over at her house again on monday night after the first day dry run. talked about so many stuff. realised how my views of stuff have indeed changed quite a lot after the 9 months. i guess uni have also exposed me to quite a lot of stuff lar. and we have really fit into the roles of a 'psychologist' and a 'biz woman'.

photos will be up slightly later.

gastric has been disturbing me lately. not that i haven't been eating, but i really have no idea why the pain comes at times.

internet connection is REALLY bad these days.

kboxed again

went to kbox again today with kang, kayleigh and meiyu! haven seen the latter two for SOOO long. had quite a lot of fun cos i sang a lot of leng men songs (what's surprising actually). always had some form of 怀旧 everytime i go kbox. this time, we sang two 环珠格格's songs! HAHA! so funny. and then, the funniest thing was, we started halving our songs at around 6.20 onwards. then when we finished our songs, they still haven given us our bill. so we just dian more songs and continued singing. we left kbox at 840pm! heh.

pls go suntec kbox for staff who dun chase you away. heh.

this is prob the third time i kboxed after hols started. haha.

then we went to eat jap food after a unanimous decision. sushi was damn good! ate till we were all super full and left the place at around 10pm.

poor uncle leong and aunt. really hope he recovers soon.

下一个天亮 - 郭静

用起伏的背影 挡住哭泣的心
有些故事 不必说给 每个人
听许多眼睛 看的太浅太近
错过我没被看见 那个自己

用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘著雨还是眺望的眼光

用简单的言语 解开超载的心
有些情绪 是该说给 懂的人听
你的热泪 比我激动怜惜
我发誓要更努力 更有勇气

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘著雨还是眺望的眼光

时间可以磨去我的棱角
有些坚持却永远磨不掉
请容许我 小小的骄傲
因为有你这样的依靠

等下一个天亮
去上次牵手赏花那里散步好吗
有些积雪会自己融化
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

等下一个天亮
把偷拍我看海的照片送我好吗
我喜欢我飞舞的头发
和飘著雨还是眺望的眼光

love this song ever since i heard it on one of the variety shows that i watch.

空缺 - 伍家辉 [“变奏曲”主题曲]

当你关上了门离开 这个房间
关上了仅有的光线 只剩想念
我还感受到温柔的幻觉
月亮的背面 写满了我们的细节

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺
(没有人能完全填补的空缺）

就当作我们不熟练 不够周全
就当作我们追不上 彼此改变
我以为能完美写下句点
时间在后面 遥控了所有的情节

幸福需要的磨练 我们都误解成搁浅
活在想象的明天 忘了今天未完结 

i really quite like wu jia hui's voice.


傻孩子 - 阎韦伶

看着你无暇的表情
我猜不透真实你的心
我一直冷静
却还是走不出这秘密
好孤寂

我开始失去了勇气
而你却好像在游戏
我假装清醒 看清你的心
终于我选择了离去

你像个孩子一样的被我看穿
在你面前我试着隐瞒
所有过去全都变成伤害

我像个傻子一样的被你出卖
一字一句都要我承担
到了最后我选择分开

heard this on 933 once and immediately went to dl it. i dunno how to read her surname though. so she's a nameless singer in my itunes.=X

haven posted lyrics on my blog since quite long ago, so here they are.=)

escaping...

i'm sick of going on msn. it's so funny cos i've always liked coming online, waiting for people to talk to me, complaints, whinings, or just a simple 'how have you been'. but when almost every single window that pops up now is regarding work, i somehow became bored of coming online.

i'm definitely guilty of ignoring people online, or trying to end a convo cos i just didnt feel like talking. but on the whole, i liked msn for the very fact that you're hidden behind that screen. nobody sees your expressions, nobody sees what you're doing, nobody knows when you're lying (if someone ever knows when i'm lying online, i'd dare to say that person really knows me well). and of cos nobody knows when you're cursing at someone whom you're talking to behind that screen.

despite what i said above, i still think i'm a loner. msn windows and smses are filled with work. i dun even talk to many people to catch up. horrible friend i must be.

met up with cherry for dinner today! ate far east chicken rice and somehow i thought it tasted better now than when i ate a few years ago. then just sat around and starting chatting. complained soo much about the family issues, then of cos made myself happy by talking about studies (which i think i havent said before that i used TWO s/u in TWO sems! WELL DONE AMELIA). simple night out but well, a very relaxed night. wish to meet up with more friends before going bangkok cos that's when the craziness comes.


our very blur photos cos i refused to use flash.=X

anw as usual, bus journey home became a thinking time. was thinking of relationships (ironic since i haven't had any before, or any in the near future i think). a few types of relationships seem to exist:

(1) patriarchal relationship: meaning that guy has high control over girl. girl, in order to keep things going, will strive to do everything that guy wants. traditional couple?

(2) female-dominated relationship: guy gives whatever girl wants. the ultimate gentleman or the despo might appear here. but most of the time, the novelty wears off and somehow it becomes more tilted towards the above (am i being skeptical here?)

(3) mutual: both sides give in to each other and the perfect couple in everyone's eyes.

of cos the above are very raw observations of couples and may seem very DUHHHH (i'm not a psychologist so i dunno how to categorise all these thoughts properly!). last scenario is slightly more rare though.

i conclude though, that there can never be a relationship where both sides give equally to each other (scenario 3). one will prob love the other more than the other way round. but of cos not to the extreme of 90% to 10%. for a relationship to survive, maybe a 40-60 ratio would be optimal.

being in a relationship might make one irrational, but for now, i can't think of how it'll change me in that sense, though i have a feeling i'm quite weak mentally to resist such tendency. i've always been in a supporting role (to friends who are attached, or being chased, or chasing people) but i've never been the centre of attention. can always tell people what to do, but i doubt i can really persuade myself if the time comes.

口是心非 - that prob describes my way of doing things. maybe i dun like people to really know what i'm thinking, yet i can't deny that if someone can ever really understand me, i'll be damn touched for sure. i would like to believe that there is a certain somebody out there, but i'm really afraid there isn't. really afraid. it's really too boring to live a life alone. i'm scared of loneliness.

i'm an escapist. a horrible one in fact. always running away, finding excuses, refusing to face the music. i really want to be as perfect a person as everyone expects, but i can't, and so i run away. but yet, sometimes i feel like falling down, so at least i can get some care and concern along the way (but my fall was so terrible that even my family despise me). i'm so childish to be harbouring such thoughts huh?

i suppose when you feel like a second-class citizen even in your own family, you can't help but despise yourself too.

it's not that i dun appreciate my family, it's just that it gets tiring trying to please everyone else but it never went the other way.

or am i just greedy? not contented?

wow, it was supposed to be an entry about relationship, but somehow it turned out to be a complaining entry yet again.

i can't wait for bangkok to escape from everything.

unimportant

sigh parents going to taiwan next year starting of the year without us again. it's been on my wishlist for super damn long and i'm not even getting the chance to go. i was really quite angry when she said it's cos i wasnt at home on sat. but seriously, can always call to ask me wat.

somehow, i just feel as though what i want is always not important.