welcoming 2009

i said i'd post photos up, so here they are! i'm so lag even though i've been at home the whole time. =X


i like this photo! haha too bad they forbid me to post on fb, so here it comes!=)


my display pic! haha.


our favourite spot for taking photos - jess' bed.=P gotta thank my camera's wide lens for this photo, and of cos jess' long hands.=)

as usual, i've been nuaing at home the entire day the last few days. except on sunday in which i met cherry for dinner at MOF - i really love the food there! - and then went with her bf and his friends for supper at simpang. ended up reaching home at 4am. was just playing the role of an accompanying friend, and i didn't even say a single word to all his friends there. i'm so unfriendly ah. haha.

it's the last day of 2008 now. i can't say i've achieved much this year. in fact, i think i'm really quite useless this year. the first half of the year started well i guess, with the numerous commitment - stardust, rag, ibiza - and of cos with the deans list which kinda made my parents happy. the second half was horrible. results deteriorated, failed to get a scholarship, everything wasn't going quite right. i lost my motivation i guess.

the world itself was in a mess also. mas selamat escaped and haven't been found till now, the milk scandal, the edison chen scandal, the collapse of banks in US, the mumbai bombings, the strikes in bangkok (i seriously wonder how they can get out of their mess. the supporters of the side which did not get into the governtment will always go on strike, so how do they expect the government to recover the economy and the mess in the country?), the sichuan earthquake which revealed china's usage of lousy materials to build their buildings (was it this year?=X), etc.

nonetheless, 2008 is coming to an end in a day, and i do hope all these mess will be cleared up soon and people will continue to move on.

as we welcome 2009, i wonder what is in store in our calendars. to be honest, i've lost faith in many many things, and life goes on only because life has to go on, and not because i want to live this life. it's a tragedy really, but i guess nothing that has happened so far had made me regain my faith in the things that i do, and the things and people around me.

one huge aspect is of cos my family. i can't deny that i've always had problems with them. last night i overheard my father talking to someone in hainanese (must be one of my aunties), and even though i dun understand hainanese, i could somehow make out that he was complaining about my bro. the story is that, a few days ago my mum and dad both bought the newpaper, my dad screamed at my mum saying that he already told her that he will buy it, and obviously my mum didn't hear that, and that was why she actually bought it too.

my bro got damn angry with my dad for raising his voice at my mum, and shouted, "why do you all have to argue over a newpaper?"and he continued by shouting, "has he ever treated you as a wife?" to my mum. my dad got so angry that he slammed the door. and my bro got even angrier and shouted, "want to fight come lar". luckily the fight didn't happen.

i couldn't decide who was in the fault actually. i mean, yes it was my dad's fault for shouting at my mum for no good reason. he has always been rude to my mum, but all she could do was to keep quiet. i guess she's used to it. but my bro doesn't like it this way. i just thought his approach was wrong. like by shouting such stuff to my dad, wasn't he being rude to my dad too?

the problem with the entire issue is that, neither would admit they are wrong. and i believe my dad would continue to keep this matter in his heart and bring it up one day when they quarrel. i haven't seen such a petty man actually. i guess him being my dad, we have already seen all the horrible sides. for one, he actually stopped talking to both his kids. i mean yes he has high expectations, but that certainly doesn't warrant such a long, and i believe perpetual, cold war with his kids. so we're only judged and measured by the results that we achieve?

and my bro's temper. i'm scared of even going on streets with him cos i really dunno when he'll throw his temper at strangers. i told him i'm even scared of doing projects with him cos i know we'll certainly conflict. but of cos i can't deny that he's a good bro.

and myself, i guess i'm really quite a horrible kid for always raising my voice at my mum. at this time and age, sometimes i wonder why parents still exhibit favouritism towards guys. i mean there are just too many examples which i can raise to back my view. yes one can say i'm being over-sensitive, but really, it feels horrible when all you can do is to play second-fiddle in your own family and feel inferior cos of that.

ah well, enough of those. sometimes i seriously wish i wasn't who i am. but i guess we all got to be contented with what we have.

had wanted to come up with some new year resolutions for the next year, but i figured that such stuff never ever did work for me. dreams never come true, wishes were never fulfilled, hopes were always dashed, expectations were always crushed. so what's the use of actually thinking about all those in the first place.

3 more days to taiwan...=)

simple fun

it was a rather simple but interesting christmas i must say. i didn't plan to do anything or specially meet anyone this festive season, but somehow, it was still quite enriching.

jess house on wednesday! we chatted, joked around, cam-whored, watched movies, played cards, did the usual stuff basically but it was really enjoyable. drank a bit too but i got damn red and slightly high after that. ah well, good way to wake me up actually. haha!

photos will be up soon! i'm so lazy to post them up now cos it's sooo late now.

and then christmas day!! woke up, went with mum to send dad to work, and then went to vivo. saw mr siva performing on stage! wondered if he actually saw me looking at his performance, but ah well. mum forced me to treat her to gloria jeans coffee (i've been often forced to treat ever since i started having excess cash from tuition.=X)

the main thing is, I DROVE TODAY!! haha i must say it's quite an achievement. i drove from tanjong pagar to home, and from home to the pasir ris courts/ikea/giant megastores. ok lar, the ride was rather smooth cos of three reasons:
(1) it was a public holiday so roads were extra empty
(2) i could park cos it was a head straight in kinda lot
(3) the car had a total of 3 drivers 'driving' at the same time, namely my bro, mum and myself

i'm still not confident of my driving though (i didn't want to say this, but even though i've passed for 1 year 3 months, i still put up the p-plates JUST IN CASE.=X). but anyhow, i haven't driven since september i think, and so i should think it was quite a breakthrough. my mum and bro should be glad i can't drive on my own yet so i won't fight with them for the car. i shall be contented with public transport at the moment. heh.

had quite a nice dinner too! home-made steak + sausage + campbell soup + (special for the day) red wine! i must say first that my family members, other than my bro and i who drink very occasionally for the fun of it, do not drink alcohol at home, so this was actually the first time we did so. somehow, i feel that it was a nice day spent with my family. we never really did celebrate christmas (or any other festivals or bdays or anniversaries for that matter), so even if it was just a simple meal at home, it still felt good. =)

then, i went to become a 'santa claus' by playing mahjong. those who had played money with me before would know that i NEVER EVER win money from mahjong before. i always lose money, and am always the biggest loser.=( played with ja marcus and bess for 1/4 round and i lost $3.80. so people love to play with me rite, cos i always finance their winnings. =X luckily it was a short game, if not i'd have lost A LOT more. haha!

two days of simple fun. time to really treasure my holidays and make better use of the time! special thanks to jocelin for planning our timetable! omg i was how lazy the entire holidays and she just did everything for us. and thank goodness she's helping me to bid when cors open. if not i really dunno what to do when i'm in taiwan.

and and...i must say dennis is really such a lovely freshie. he msged me from indo wishing me merry christmas and we ended up msging each other even though each sms is probably like 10 times more expensive than if he were to be in s'pore. somehow, his smses or the things he say will always brighten up my day.=) thank goodness for black rose. i really really REALLY appreciate having such a wonderful og.

i think this must have been the third or fourth time someone asked me this holidays, "why are you not getting a bf?" wow.

slight disappointment...

just received my results. my cap did drop by a fair bit, but somehow i dun feel that upset by it. it's hanging at the edge of a first-class honours now, but i suppose i'd be contented with a second upper when i graduate, so this seems fine at the moment.

i'm just disappointed with my three B+ for my three core modules cos i set out to score well in these modules! a surprising A+ for my level three module though, and an A- for finance which i did so badly for the mid-term. a rather good comeback i must say. ah well. at least i kept all my grades at B+ and above.

haven't heard a lot of good news from the results that i heard so far. hopefully everyone is fine with their results!

enough of results! went for dental ytd afternoon. i think my dentist wanted to remove my braces ytd, but couldn't in the end cos the top elastic broke and resulted in a rotation of one of my teeth.=( so now he's trying to rotate it back again, and that means at least another month of suffering..never did expect a full 2 years worth of braces treatment when i started off, but ah well, just hope it'll be removed before my 21st, or best, before cny!=)

before i went for dental, i saw buddy david on the train in the same carriage! omg that was so coincidental, and he was going for his dental appointment also!=) so nice to meet him on the train. caught up a bit but he got off 2 stops later, so didn't talk much. ahh i miss my buddies...

then after my dental decided to meet val at vivo and called dennis to come along cos he was asking about it. then vivien was with dennis so in the end 4 of us walked around! i miss black rose!!=( though it's always these small gatherings this hols, but i'll always have fun with them around. sorta surprised dennis a little cos he kept asking for his present. gave him jelly beans from candy empire but he said he doesn't eat sweets.=( at least he was appreciative!=) and i finally found people (or rather person) who want to take science gem next sem! dennis said he doesn't mind. haha. ah well see how first lar. still got slightly more than a week to decide.

actually, i dun have many things to look forward to now now that results are out. only taiwan!=)

turtle

i miss all my friends!=( have been cooping myself up at home these days that i really miss hanging out with friends, going shopping, chatting, kboxing, everything! sometimes i wonder why i've changed so much from young. i used to be an extroverted little girl, planning all sorts of outings and gatherings, and talking to everyone i know. but now, not only i'm becoming a 宅女, i'm also gradually losing contact with so many so many friends.

can still remember all the 'friends forever' notes during primary school. i guess friends were really almost everything to me in the past. not that friendships have lost their significance, it's just that others have also caught up in 'ranking' as time passed. such a pity, really. i guess i'm just really horrible at maintaining friendships. sigh...

and now that i'm sorta planning a 21st bday party, have been wondering who to invite and realised, hey maybe i dun have many friends to invite after all. ah well, shan't think of all these first.

i really feel quite horrible about myself for not sourcing for an internship hard enough. all the emails in my nus inbox (though i haven't been checking them often) regarding internships, i haven't even been tracking them at all. i'm so directionless about my future, i'm so unmotivated to boost my resume, or maybe i should say i'm so lazy and scared of taking up good jobs.

sometimes i hate myself for it. i feel like i'm a turtle, hiding my head in my shell and coming out only when food is here, just doing whatever is necessary to survive. i'm not even walking around to look for some adventures or whatever opportunities that may come my way.

and what's the use of hating myself for it when i dun even try to improve. and i have to admit that one reason why i insist so much in not going for exchange is that i'm scared. scared of stepping out of my comfort zone, scared of living by myself for 6 months. scared of a new environment. scared of making new friends. even though i may tell people otherwise. sigh WANG YUYOU AMELIA! WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP!!!

帶我走

帶我走-楊丞琳

詞曲:蘇打綠

每次我總一個人走
交叉路口　自己生活
這次你卻說帶我走
某個角落　就你和我

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑　
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後
計算的步伐每個背影每個場景
都有發過的夢

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走　就算我的愛　你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕　帶我走

每次我總獨自遠走
保持緘默　不皺眉頭
這次你卻說一起走
彼此溫柔　從此以後

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑　
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後　
計算的伐每個背影每個場景　
都有發過的夢

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走　就算我的愛　你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕　帶我走

白馬溜過 漆黑盡頭　
潮汐襲來 浪花顫動
凝在海岸 結成了墨

薔薇朝向 草原氣球　
郵差傳來 一地彩虹
刻在心中拍打著脈搏

帶我走　到遙遠的以後
帶走我　一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由都將成為泡沫
我不怕 帶我走

帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由都將成為泡沫
帶我走~

the more i listen to this song, the more i like it. sometimes i really just want to escape from everything, and hoping someone will do so with me. ah well.

ahhh dun understand why they allocate the modules also anyhow allocate the classes. what's with the alum group if they dun even use it! val mel and i are allocated different bizcomm and apb classes, like wth! and for bizcomm, if we wanna change, still have to find mutual swap or drop it then bid for it again using cors.-_- AHHH then somemore during the entire cors perios, i'll be overseas in taiwan, how to bid!!! sigh...

time is passing so quickly. and can't believe results will be released in slightly less than a week now. pls dun let my cap drop so much!

new camera!

bought a new camera yesterday! casio exilim z150. was looking for canon ixus actually, then went to gain city, harvey norman and audio house and they kept recommending this casio model. apparently it has a lot more functions than canon ixus. so i decided to buy the casio instead. came home and googled about this model and realised that it has a problem of shutter speed lag.=X but so far i'm still quite happy with it.=) can't be slower than my current olympus rite. =P

watched bolt with luther dennis and daryk today. (cancelled tuition in the end and i really felt quite bad about it. somemore this week didn't even have any.=X ah well) but didn't regret it a single bit cos as usual, being with black roses, even if it's just four of us, make me a lot happier. we watched the 3D version and it was quite a different experience. i think this must be my first movie ever since quantum of solace during bizad night to the movies. gosh. i'm such a suaku.

some test shots with my camera.


a secret shot of my mum at ding tai fung during our dinner...


us posing with the 3d specs after watching bolt!


the three guys who were watching with me.=)

ah well lets hope my holidays get more exciting. still have quite a lot of things unsettled but somehow i'm really too lazy to get down to doing them. modules choosing, stardust accounts (!!!), clearing of wardrobe, planning of bday presents, etc.

and of cos, my own 21st birthday celebration. i still haven't decided where i want to hold my celebrations. mum said i got to pay for everything if i want to have one.=(

an empty shell.

i was just reminded of my inability to secure a scholarship, whether it's with my As results, or with my cap score. sometimes i really wonder why do i bother working so hard to prove myself to my parents if i can't even get a scholarship. cos that's all they want to see isn't it. no matter how well i do, that's not even important. the key is whether i can relieve them of their financial burden, like bro.

it's so tragic. up till now, my interview skills still suck like hell. i can't even convince the interviewers that i should be granted a scholarship. with my cap and my resume, it shouldn't even be a problem. but what the hell is wrong with me. as much as others may think otherwise, i really think i'm a useless person with no substance. or maybe i'm just putting on a mask to attempt to be someone i'm not.

my inferiority complex do come back to haunt me at times like these. and to think i'm actually quite an elitist, as much as i hate to admit it. what's the point of building up a resume, getting into all sorts of elitist programs like BGS when i can't even carry myself well enough. it's times like these that i wonder if i've really chosen the right course for myself. yes i do enjoy the modules, the content, but business is all about networking, and if i dun even possess this basic skill, what is the point of me taking up business?

ahhh why am i someone with no real ambition at all? sometimes i wish i didn't over-achieve when i was younger, so at least whatever i'm getting now is not disappointing my parents at all. i hate to disappoint people, especially my parents cos all they do from now on is to keep digging at this very fact that i didn't get a scholarship.

yes i should be aiming for the big firms, but to me, all these are not even important. it's only important cos my parents think it's important. and that's the only way to earn big bucks in future, or at least that's what they think.

sometimes i really wish i was just a normal person, going the normal route. there's no room to regret now, but i really feel i'm just an empty shell, a lonely tragic empty shell abandoned by the rest of the world.

outings

woohoo! my taiwan trip is extended two days!! so i'm going to taiwan for 8 days now. =D AHHHH really looking forward to it sia. only bad thing is CORS bidding period is around that period too, so gotta settle all these in taiwan...sian...

just had 6h outing and council outing on sat and today respectively. quite fun to meet up actually, haven't seen so many of them in such a long time! just that i guess for 6h, i'm really drifting apart from them already. dun think i'm in any position to arrange any more outings cos i really dun feel that close to them anymore. such a waste really, cos i really enjoyed my jc days cos of them. now, i dun even have any common conversation topics to talk to them about, sadly.

kbox with 25ths was quite fun! sang all my new songs that i wanted to try. it's a lot of english songs this time round though. heh. but anyhow, went for dinner with a much smaller group, and chatted quite a bit too. and while talking to them, i realised how different rj guys are from my guy friends in uni. the topics they talk about, the mannerisms, everything. ah well, not like it's the first time i noticed such stuff anw.

sometimes i wonder what will happen if i just disappear for a while. like, will anyone bother to look for me, to find out what has happened, or whatever. i dunno, it's just a random thought. and i realised i spend more time online during exam time as compared to hols. sometimes i dun even sign into msn for a few days in a row now.


kbox with 25ths!


6h!


girls who were at soup restaurant!


cynli!


mingjie and cynli!

boring holidays....

i'm still living the life of a mugger even after exams are over. have been staying at home the last few days, playing computer game, watching variety shows and watching tv. sometimes i wonder what difference does it make now that exams are over. it's just that there's no need to study, and i won't feel guilty for playing those games or watching the shows.

maybe i should have just looked for a job or an internship, rather than wasting my time at home. but ah well. i suppose staying at home kinda saves a lot of money for me too. good for me who wants to buy a new camera and shopping at taiwan!=)

this holiday will probably be a very unfruitful one, other than the much-awaited holiday in taiwan. heard it'll be super cold there. suppose that's a new experience too! can't wait to visit all the sites i've been hearing on those variety shows, just that i only have 6 days there.=( but nvm, it's better than nothing!

back to my tv show!=)

human disasters

i dun usually blog about international events, but this time round, it really warrants a post from an otherwise apathetic individual.

just watched the channel 8 news about the death of the singaporean woman in india. it's not that it's a SINGAPOREAN woman that i'm emphasizing here, it's just that, more than 140 people have died in 36 hours of terrorist attacks, and i really wonder how many more will be added to the death toll.

it's not even a natural disaster that we can't control, it's a HUMAN disaster caused by people who can control themselves.

it must have been a really terrorising experience in the hotels there. i do imagine myself in those scenes, but the imaginations never lasted beyond seconds. it's just too scary.

and all these while thailand is experience such a chaotic situation too. poor people who are trapped in the airports. i suppose my family will not visit bangkok again in the near future.

and and all these PLUS the economic situation and financial breakdown in US and all the other countries in the world.

what is the world coming to man.

sometimes i do count myself lucky to be in s'pore. we're protected from natural disasters, and also less vulnerable to such human disasters. it's times like these when we start to cherish the stability. 麻雀虽小，五脏俱全.

such events really make exams seem like NOTHING compared to the trouble other people are facing. ah well.

that said, i'm still gonna complain about MA paper. i came back from service ops on wed afternoon and did nothing the whole day. so you think i'll panic on thurs? NOOOOO.... i started panicking on thurs LATE afternoon. and i haven't even DONE my MA tutorials can. (i realised i never touched all the tutorials for all my mods this sem.) so no time to do tutorials rite, i went straight to past year papers. CHIONGED thru 6 past year papers all the way to 2am, referring to textbook half the time. and at 2am, i still have not revised my content. but got to sleep mah, so i just decided to heck and went to sleep.

in the end, i woke up at 6am, scanned thru lecture notes, left home and continued with my notes when i reached school at 8am. wow. am i hardworking or not.-_-

but actually, it probably makes no difference since the paper was kinda undo-able in any case. i realised i always meet with all the wonderfully crafted undoable papers. amelia (lee) and ellen were complaining about fna apr 08 paper, and johnson luther daryk they all complained about my stats paper too. haha. maybe that's how i score huh.

mel said she's going for internship this december. sometimes i really envy people like her who has so much motivation to do these things that support her academic grades. i'm just too passive to do anything about all these. or should i say lazy?

one more paper to go. i wonder what kind of 'stunts' i have for macro this time round. i went shopping at bugis with mum today, tmr i'm going polyclinic, and sunday i'm going for tuition. wow i have (not) ended exams!

真希望这对你来说是种解脱，我不能对你说什么，也不能帮你做什么，这关你也许就得自己过。 我相信既然决定是两个人作的，就一定是经过深思熟虑。看开吧！

two more to go...

THREE papers down.=) somehow i dun quite possess any more motivation to continue mugging for the next two, but i shall TRY to study hard for both.

finance was fine i guess. missed out some parts of ruth tan's notes so ended up not knowing how to do some mcqs, plus quite uncertain for some answers. but overall it was fine i guess. though i think my poor result at mid-term will prob be a main reason for a lousy grade for finance.

service ops was surprisingly easy. ok not THAT easy, but better than i expected. good thing i attempted the past year papers. even without the answers, at least i have gone through some of his questions before, so i could do it in a shorter time. BUT I WANNA KILL MYSELF FOR BEING SO CARELESS!!! plug answer in also can put in the wrong value..%&^%&^$$%#$^&* and i was still so confident of the answer that i didn't go back to check.-_-. then write formula also write wrongly. VERY GOOD RITE.

ah well. at least the more content-intensive papers are over. now left with MA and macro econs, which i'm not confident of cos both papers are quite simple by nature.=X sigh.

sometimes i feel i'm both a guy and a girl in terms of thinking and actions and mannerisms and language (not referring to anything wrt sexual orientation=X). not like i JUST realised, but it just dawned on me that it IS a cause for concern.

i'm supposed to be studying

one module down, four more to go. which makes me wonder why i'm here in the first place. was supposed to be mugging for my service ops and finance. ah well.

pls go away headaches. i've had enough of you during mid-terms, and now you are pestering me during my finals too. i can't think properly with you around, so pls do me a favour and go away...

anw yes i've finally changed my template. kinda noob at html, so this is prob the best i can do thus far. and the ironic thing is, the trigger that made me want to change my template is studying the use of html for mis.=X and it led me to be so distracted cos all i can think of is how to change my blog template and what stuff to include in my blog.

it's kinda a tradition to take photos of my rabbits during exam time cos i'll be especially bored. so here are some photos of them!

so cute aren't they?

listened to this rather old song (since 6 years ago?) on the way to school today. heard this song a couple of times, but never knew who the singer was. then realised it was renee's. just feel that i could relate to the song lyrics in many ways. was watching xing guang da dao and one of the judges said that there's always one song that could represent you at each phase of your life. just thought it was so true. that's what i love about chinese songs. cos you can always find a song that matches what you feel at any point of time.

我等的人会是谁

歌手:陈嘉唯 词：林怡芬 曲：李偲菘

我的故事　也许比较特别　
走过的路　也许比较迂回
黑暗之中　全凭着直觉　
Keep my faith　watch my steps　
一步步　靠直觉

也许有天　生命中会出现　
那一个谁走进我的心里面
他不必是个Mr. Perfect　
只要他　善良体贴　
be my friend and my soul mate

我等的人会是谁　何时才出现　
Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人会是谁　不急在眼前　
I can wait I will Pray

也许有天　生命中会出现　
那一个谁走进我的心里面
他不必是个Mr. Perfect　
只要他　善良体贴　
be my friend and my soul mate

我等的人会是谁　何时才出现　
Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人会是谁　希望他了解　

不管迷惘或坚决　都是我的某一面
我并不追求完美　只要能　用心体会　
每一天　都是Better day

我等的人会是谁　何时才出现　
Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人会是谁　何时才出现　
陪着我　一天一点　
让生命　能变得更美

ok fine i shall not be distracted further and start reading thru my notes.

hopeless lack of self-discipline

sigh i'm really hopeless. exams are in slightly more than a day's time and i just watched 3 hrs worth of variety shows. what can i say about myself other than having no self-discipline!

then again, i've been rushing thru the content of all my modules, which isn't good for my brain at all. have been getting horrible bouts of headache since a few days ago.

doesn't help that my papers are all so close to each other.

mon 5pm - ais
tues 5pm - finance
wed 9am - service ops
fri 9am - ma
next tues 9am - macro

i can say i'm totally unprepared for ais. i'm 3/4 way thru mis, but haven't even TOUCHED ais can. have been focussing on completing the content for finance and service ops, which sadly, aren't as detailed as i'd like it to be.

can't wait for exams to end. then again, i haven't planned anything during the hols yet, except for the one week to taiwan, and twice-a-week tuition. not really time to think of all these yeah.

and i really can't stand planning for modules. got to clear science gem but can't seem to find anyone to take anything with. core mods are worse. only have apb and bizcomm in mind. sigh. and i guess i should decide if i want to continue with my mpp soon.

wish me luck for exams.=)

the long wait

"there's value in waiting"

thank you jun.=) am so glad we talked today....

mug

i'm FINALLY feeling the sense of urgency to mug hard for the upcoming exams. have been allowing myself too much slack the last few days that i haven't been achieving much. plus i'm getting easily bored from mugging due to my sub-conscious change in studying style - from reading each chapter and doing its tutorial together, to reading ALL the chapters and then doing all the tutorials and practice papers at one go. i wonder if this switch will have any adverse effect on my results.=X

the trigger of my sudden sense of urgency came from the need to edit the 20-page service ops report. i took 7 hrs of full concentration in the afternoon to complete the editing, and somehow that totally drained my energy for the day. coupled with waking up late in the morning, it resulted in a low productivity of only 2 mis chapters (the first two chapters only somemore) the entire day. felt quite bad for it, since i'm now officially left with only 4 days to finish 4 modules due to my horrible exam schedule.

didn't help that i was feeling so irritated with my specs which was giving me a headache that i switched to wearing contact lens. i dun usually wear contact lens at home lar, but somehow, it left me with no choice today.

went to school to mug ytd with bro, who totally pangseh-ed in the end which made me rather pissed the entire day. spent 1 1/2 hr photocopying finance and mis textbooks in the morning, which was the main aim of going to school actually. in the end mugged in the seminar room with dennis. seems weird that i'm mugging at home now especially since i was totally against it in the past. guess now that i can't really find mugging partners, and the fact that i'm broke and dun want to spend more money on food in school, i'd rather save on travelling time and mug at home instead. the trade-off of cos would be the wastage of time on the ultimate distractor - laptop.

ah well. time to rethink my strategy of mugging to accelerate my learning. if not, i think i'd end up unprepared for all my papers.

i really feel like screaming out loud

i just can't stand your inability to empathize with people. yes this society has a lot of people who are problematic, but what can we do? barge into their house, raise your voice and tell them that their thinking is wrong? come on lar, as much as we recognise that there are problems in the way society works, you have to empathize with people about why they think the way they do. it's not just a simple matter of they being stupid and unable to see what's wrong and right.

and yes, there are people like me who can sit down, acknowledge that these people are wrong, and yet still keep quiet about it and allow it to go on cos we dun want to find trouble. as you said, 我们"这种人"就是这样. but seriously, there are times that we shouldn't overstep our boundaries. different people have different ways of living a life, and what can we do about it? go to every single one of them and scold them off? tell them that the things they are doing are wrong and they should just die in an accident cos our society doesn't need people like them? how are we helping them like that man.

and furthermore, YOUR views are not necessarily right. i just can't stand it when you like, or should i say LOVE, to impose your views on others. different people think differently, and just because someone doesn't subscribe to your thinking means they are wrong? come on lar, the world doesn't revolve around you. and what YOU think might not be what people think. sometimes you really have to learn how to stand in people's shoes and think from their points of view. there's a reason why parents are overprotective of their kids, and i think that's just human nature. you said you'd slap your child if he or she does something wrong, but i'm sure by the time it comes when you have your own kid, you wouldn't even bear to.

sometimes, violence and taking the hard approach really doesn't work anymore. i dun understand why you think violence can solve everything. yes people are afraid of violence, but does that solve the root of the problem? does it mean that by using violence, everything would stop?

what i can't stand most is why mum is forever allowing you to show your temper like that. i can't stand it when we're in the middle of the argument and she signals to me to stop arguing with you. it's not as if i'm wrong, and by raising my point of view, it's wrong?! can't you tell that even your parents are overprotective of you? so protective that even i as a sister cannot raise my point of view to argue with you. everyone in the family must give in to you when you raise your voice. in fact, everyone gives in to you EVERYTIME. and for me, i'm EXPECTED to be independent.

you know why i become "这种人"? it's cos since young, i've been conditioned to give in to you in order to avoid trouble. because i know that arguing with you is useless. either it ends up with something getting broken, or i'll be stopped by someone else.

mum doesn't even dare to tell me that she sent bro ALL THE WAY to school when he was supposed to reach at 8am. the previous week when i was supposed to reach by 8am, she didn't even send me. you say i'm pampered, hell yes i am, but doesn't it occur to you WHY i am pampered? because what i want is just the same treatment that you receive. but i never even gotten that. mum said bro is more filial and more dong shi than me, yes i do admit that. i've never denied that. but has it ever occurred to her why? since young, i've always had to play second fiddle. and just because your temper is bad, everything you do always seem to be right and i've always been expected to give in to you. so what's my role in the family?!

and when i'm feeling inferior even in my own house, because i'm not treated as an equal, it's no wonder such inferiority complex is so inate in me.

yes i'm healthier physically, but i do believe i'm not mentally. sometimes i really do doubt my own existence in this world.

and i'm really a useless person. the only thing i do about all these is to rant about it in this blog, lock myself up in my room and cry to myself. no wonder i'm labelled as “这种人".

unpredictability of life

黎楚宁自杀死了？！？！本来有点不敢相信，现在只能感叹，人生无常啊！

原本还蛮期待她出专辑，但这不可能了吧。这么有才华的人，就这样为情而自杀，真的很可惜。

人生总比你想象中来得有意义，当你觉得你已一无所有，你一定是忽略了一些东西。当你觉得身边没有人在乎你时, 你一定是忘了珍惜某个人的存在. 我总觉得一个人的人生不可能山穷水尽, 重要的是你想不想的开, 珍不珍惜所拥有的一切, 就算是比别人少又怎样.

可笑的是, 我总是那个想不开的人.

突然想起你

got hooked on this song. love the way the emotions were sung out by ah xin, and of cos, the lyrics. it just have a way of tugging at your heartstrings.

突然想起你 - 五月天

最怕空气突然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛着 不平息
最怕突然 听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音 不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今 终于让自己属于 我自己
只剩眼泪 还骗不过自己

突然好想你 你会在哪里 过得快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆 突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影
为什么你 带我走过最难忘的旅行
然后留下 最痛的纪念品

我们 那么甜那么美那么相信 那么疯那么热烈的曾经
为何我们还是要奔向各算的幸福和遗憾中老去

突然好想你 你会在哪里 过得快乐或委屈
突然好想你 突然锋利的回忆 突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静 最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛着 不平息
最怕突然 听到你的消息
最怕此生 已经决心自己过 没有你 却又突然 听到你的消息

all presentations and projects are finally over! the only thing left now is the service ops 20-page report that we have not submitted. here comes the time to really mug and try not to let my cap drop that much.=X

time really flies...almost the end of my third semester in uni! omg...

congrats to the guys who have ord-ed!=)

camped in hss library for the last two days studying for finance quiz. i must say both days were quite productive. somehow i really dunno how and where to start for my mugging. ah well. first, to finish watching all the macro webcasts.

夏雨诗

nice song!

夏雨诗 - 潘裕文

等候在 骤来的 夏夜暴雨 时间突然静止
滂沱的 雨势中 停泊两段 迂回著的心事
忽然间 所有的 谈笑风生 瞬间戛然而止
靠著我 挡著你 风雨之中 不让你被淋湿

我们在这个城市 流浪多少日子
却从来没有想到 有人能分享 你倾覆的心事

没有了你叮咛的日子 耳朵总感觉怅然若失
生活上来了又去 得了又失 是你给我扶持
不断寻觅错过了几次 从来不知爱近在咫尺
回头发现 熬过这些日子 总有你的影子

孤独在 各自的 人生旅途 安静或是飞驰
遇见了 彼此后 两个灵魂 不再患得患失
有些话 想启齿 欲言又止 你耐心等我解释
微笑著 不说话 把我抱住 让我像个孩子

在光阴这趟车上 浪费了多少日子
遇见你却让过去 所有的痛楚 通通被稀释

没有了你叮咛的日子 耳朵总感觉怅然若失
生活上来了又去 得了又失 是你给我扶持
不断寻觅错过了几次 从来不知爱近在咫尺
回头发现 熬过这些日子 总有你的影子

没有了你倾诉的日子 耳朵就感觉怅然若失
生活上来了又去 得了又失 你是我的坚持
陪我同游余生的日子 就算走到了穷途末日
天涯咫尺 在人生的白纸 同愉快的写诗

nice lyrics and tune!=)

i'm actually quite looking forward to listening to the songs by xing guang bang. i think all of them have their own charisma which makes it quite exciting and interesting to see how they progress in the music industry.

had a weird dream in the morning. dreamt of me going for my finance quiz late and then chong telling me that i can't take it anymore since i was late. so no marks for that quiz.=( i was how shocked lar. HAHA!

why did you have to remind me of those painful memories of doing nothing and just waiting for a reply to come in? it's even more painful to pretend as if nothing happened.

parents went to KL in the morning. they are going overseas 3 times in 6 months lar! first KL then taiwan then guangzhou! haha but ok lar, time for them to relax too. just that bro and i have to end up eating instant noodles or canned food for 3 whole days!=X

time to mug! since bro is driving to school tmr, i shall follow him early in the morning even though my lessons start at 2pm. 2 weeks to chiong 13 weeks of syllabus! jiayou!!!=)

service operations is (almost) over!!

after today's 1 hr presentation, i really feel quite relieved! all major presentations are over.=)

presentation went fine i suppose. once again couldn't resist the temptation of my cue cards. sigh.

after that was quantum of solace with BR people for bizad night to the movies! it's always fun being with BR people. christmas and new year's eve parties!!!=D

shall leave with some photos and videos of my dsc 3203 module. enjoy!


HAHA! you'll see a lot of similar expressions in the photos that follow.


us after visiting g4 for the last time.


our group!


with one of g4's staff.


with two of g4's staff


yet another one...


girls with the pool table!


HAHA dun be frightened by me!=P

and the next two are short videos made by janny for our presentation!


our introduction video...


and our ending video!=)

why...?

i cried in the bus again...

maybe long late night journey home induce tears in me.

or maybe the stress from projects and exams is making me emotionally unstable.

whatever it is, i really hate myself.

why am i so short-tempered?

why am i so elitist?

why am i STILL so horrible at expressing myself?

you know sometimes i really feel like i have no true friends around me. i was so pissed off just now but i just couldn't find anyone to call, so i ended up thinking too much and bursting into tears.

sometimes what i want are not solutions to my problems when i confide in others, i just want a listening ear. it never works to rationalise my emotions with me, cos i do that hell lot within myself. it just happens that it never works for me.

一声“我懂”对我来说真得很重要。

but some friends just make me feel worse about myself.

at the end of the journey, i was thinking to myself, "what do i possess?"

and i concluded that i have nothing.

now i sorta get why people get depressed or even think of suicide.

and as always, something made me feel bad about thinking about all these again.

Stay the Same by Joey Mcintyre started playing in my ipod.

Don't you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself, you're better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same
Cuz there's nothin' 'bout you I would change.

I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don't be afraid if you've got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.

Believe in yourself.
Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You'll make it through.

牺牲小我， 完成大我

the day ended well. dinner with BR at munchie monkeys. kinda miss post-foc days when we can sit down for the longest times and talk about anything. everybody's just too busy now i guess. i hardly even see some of them now.

"and somehow i keep forgetting to thank amelia (i know u'll read this) cos without you i think BR wouldnt be that united too. thanks for all ur efforts every time okay! ((:"

from vivien's post! i think without your enthusiasm, i would be too paiseh to be enthu too! really glad we have BR. of cos with a great aogl (i wouldn't say the same for the ogl!=P) and i know you'll read this too!=D

slept super early (11pm) last night and woke up at 9am this morning. i really can't remember the last time i slept for so long already. but it felt really good. was just too tired last night lar.

the guys are ord-ing soon! it's quite amusing to hear them being so on about it. i think it's been a long time since something can make them so happy. HAHA!=)

nadjad sent us this link in the buckle-buckley yahoogroup (which has been dormant for about 2 years now) from TODAY online. quite an inspiring story i must say.

The Director Who Became Poor

Have you ever laid in bed distressed by this nagging question: “God, why am I rich?”

.

Thought not. Well, Dylan Wilk has. So disturbed was he that he gave up his high-flying lifestyle to build houses for the poor in the Philippines.

.

He started by selling his car. “I was depressed after doing it,” says Wilk, 33. It was a poignant move because Wilk, born to a poor family, had always wanted to be rich. At 20, he took a loan of about £2,500 ($5,955) from a foundation set up by Prince Charles and started Gameplay, a business selling computer games. In five years, it became Europe’s largest direct-selling computer games business.

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For the record, Wilk was, according to The Guardian, the ninth richest man in the United Kingdom under the age of 30, eight years ago. At 25, he listed his computer games business on the London Stock Exchange, and became the youngest director of a public-listed company then.

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With the cash from the sale of his car — one of several BMWs he owned alongside a Ferrari and a Porsche — he flew to the Philippines, and visited Gawad Kalinga (GK) sites there.

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Translated as “to give care”, GK positions itself as an alternative solution to poverty. Its vision for the Philippines is a slum-free, squatter-free nation through providing land for the landless, homes for the homeless, and food for the hungry.

.

The price of his car would have built 80 homes, but when he offered the money to GK’s founder Tony Meloto, it was suggested he return to the Philippines instead.

.

Wilk is in Singapore to speak to students at Halogen Foundation Singapore’s annual National Young Leaders’ Day and National Primary Young Leaders’Day. The foundation is a non-profit organisation.

.

These days, his home is Manila, where he is GK’s International Partnerships Coordinator. “I drive an eight-year-old car and live in a small house,” he said.

.

The transition was not all-smooth. The “depression” of losing his car was just the start of birth pangs. “The biggest obstacle ... was myself,” he said. “I had this romantic notion of what it was to help people. It was a great change in lifestyle and it was definitely painful to sacrifice.”

.

The second obstacle was his family. Wilk had sold his company and spent six months looking at different charities to work with, from South-east Asia to South America. “My family was very concerned andthought I was going crazy,” he recalled.

.

When he decided on GK, “my mum thought I was brainwashed by a cult. So she decided to follow me to the Philippines to spy on me,” he said. After his mum was assured, “my sister thought that my mum was being brainwashed, too!”

.

Crime syndicates are another problem he has to deal with. “They don’t want poverty to change because they benefit from it. For example, when we first arrived at a mangrove swamp to help revamp it, it was barricaded because there was someone illegally leasing out land to the poor,” he said.

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“We spent two years enlisting the help of many important people to help remove the guy.”

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Thus, he has become “more patient, more caring, and more focused on empowering others. Before, “the bottomline was everything”.

.

“I’ve found the joy in building relationships with people,” he said. He returned to the Philippines after the first time, intending to stay for six weeks. That was five years ago. He subsequently fell in love with the eldest daughter of GK’s founder and now is the father of two daughters, aged one and three.

.

“I am still amazed at my journey, and where we are going,” he said. “When I first joined GK, we were helping 80 villages. Now we’ve helped 1,700 villages and a quarter of a million people.” GK is now in Cambodia, Indonesia and Papua New Guinea. It will be in East Timor soon.

.

And it all started for Wilk after one night in a Beverly Hills hotel.

.

“I was thinking about how much I had, and how it was never going to be enough,” he said. “I used to change cars every six months ... While others ask God why they are poor, I started asking God why I was rich and what he wanted from me. I looked at all the rich people around me, and realised that most had family or alcohol problems, and few were satisfied.

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“I didn’t want to be like that in 20 years ... ”

tired...

two modules down! other than the final papers of cos. but at least dun have to go crazy for mis and macro anymore.=)

left with service ops presentation (this fri!!) and report (21 nov) as well as ma and finance tutorial presentation (both next week). JIAYOU!! i need to get down to mugging real soon.

weekend has been madness chionging all the work. wasn't as productive as i hoped to be though, but at least completed the mis presentation and individual assignment which were the more urgent ones. the major obstacle is dsc presentation this fri...hope everything goes on smoothly!!

sometimes i dunno if i should say that i'm lucky. when i was SOO not looking forward to the bus journey back home today, i saw daryk they all walking past! and of cos i got a lift home too.=) maybe i should start looking at the brighter side of life and be happy with such small things in life. maybe, just maybe, i'll be much happier and contented.

went for wang lee hom's concert on saturday night thanks to daniel's free tickets! and it was real good. he really is very shuai and charismatic, and the entire concert was filled with surprises. how he appeared on stage with 3 other look-alikes. totally couldn't tell which one was him. then the exciting part was, when he did a disappearing act, the next moment, he appeared right next to my seat! so i was just 2 seats away from him....too bad my camera's shutter speed too slow, he was actually looking at my direction and i could have snapped better photos! ah well, i shall be contented!=)


my best photo of the night.=)


isn't he really good-looking...=P


talented him on piano!


zhizhong and amy at the concert.


guanghao and amy! look at the crowd behind!

it was a rather good break from the craziness of the weekend. and of cos i got to listen to nice live songs. time to get back to my work....

project madness

it's amazing how projects can drive you crazy and make you reach home at the craziest timings.

francine asked me, "how come you're doing projects everytime i see you?" i also wonder why rite.

for the past week, i've been reaching home past 11pm.

Saturday: 11pm (rag welfare treat)
Sunday: 11pm (BR outing)
Monday: 1230am (clique outing)
Tuesday: 1230am (dsc makeup lecture + ding tai fung + B&Js)
Wednesday: 11pm (ais project)
Thursday: 1245am (macro assignment)
Friday: 1215am (dsc project)

it's no wonder that my mum actually suspects i have a bf. yeah my bf are all my modules, and his home is school rite.

luckily i have wonderful friends like farah, daryk and marcus who send me home sometimes. if not i really wonder how much more money i'm gonna spend on cab fare.

doesn't help that i still have one whole long list of things to do over the weekend:
- DSC presentation slides and script (by wed)
- MIS presentation (by mon)
- MIS individual assignment (by mon)
- Macro problem set 4 (by sun)
- MA tutorials 9&10 (by mon)
- Finance tutorial (by tues)

ahhh this is really quite a trying period. i was complaining about all my workload, and ja suddenly just reminded me that i'm taking 5 core modules this sem. wow, somehow it didn't really occur to me that the crazy workload might be due to the fact that i'm taking 5 core mods. i just conveniently forgot that fact.

my freshies are all so stressed i also dunno how to help them...

anw, i sorta recovered rather quickly from ytd's emo-ness. i guess maybe i just break down too easily without real reason for such times. and special thanks to b2 for listening to all my complaints. thanks for always lending a ear whenever i need it.=)

empty bus, empty heart

i broke down on the way home just now. luckily there wasn't anyone around me in the bus when that happened.

i was alone in the upper deck of bus 51. it was 11.30pm when i board the bus, and the whole upper deck was empty until the bus reached clarke quay.

mum called to ask where i was. the whole convo went like this:

mum: where are you?
me: in the bus lor. just after telok blangah
mum: how come so late? then you never call us let us know.
me: you were the one who asked me to go home on my own wat.
mum: i thought you were going home when you called me at 9plus wat.

right...a few hours ago, i was asked to go home on my own. then i was scolded for not telling them before i go home. wow. so what am i supposed to do.

i feel really tragic. i feel as if nobody cares what time i go home, nobody cares whether i've eaten, nobody cares what i'm doing at any point of time. all these are so small stuff, but people who know me well enough know that i'm concerned about the small stuff that people do to you, not those stuff that are obvious to everyone else. in the past, i still yearned for this kind of independence, when nobody nags at me. but now, when you come home and everyone else is asleep, when you're tired after one long day of projects and you still get screamed at on the phone, when the house blacks out and you're the only one who has to scramble for a torch to get to the circuit box, sometimes you wonder what kind of life you're leading.

sometimes i really wish for some concern that comes with initiative. i'm tired of always asking, most of the time unsuccessfully, for concern, like whining to bro to fetch me or something to that extent. i'm tired of hinting to people that i'm unhappy, be it thru msn nicks or whatsoever. maybe even thru this blog.

and i guess it's also cos of the crazily busy schedule i have. i mean my projects are not THAT intensive, but they're definitely time-consuming enough such that i dun even get time to rest properly. just that i can't believe how easily i succumbed to the stress of projects this sem.

and didn't help that my gastric came on the way home too.

somehow i also thought about how useless i am. i'm always too timid to venture out of my comfort zone, eg like learning to swim, roller-blate, or more recently, to drive properly. it's just too hard to think about what uses i have in the world. like my purpose for coming into this world.

everyone seems to like to assume that i'm strong and always fine, when in fact i really think i'm just the exact opposite.

but, as i was thinking about all the above stuff, everything just pales in comparison when tv mobile showed the experiences of a man who had his leg amputated, and another kid who suffered from cancer. maybe life just wanted to tell me that i must learn to be contented.

真正的快乐

BR at kbox!


mel amy and i at "class" outing. HAHA!


cynli and i!


i love this shot leh...very sad jess not inside!!!=X


all the photos in this series are blur...=(

你不是真正的快乐 - 五月天

人群中哭着 你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了 你已经决定了

你静静忍着 紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜就是越伤人
越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深切切淡掉了

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了 于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则不是你的选择
于是你含着眼泪飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞地走着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你坐着 却伤感着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了 然后再后悔着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你坐着 却伤感着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

你知道真正的快乐 你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了 还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让配角全部结束在此刻 重新开始活着

the lyrics to this new mayday song is sooooo sad! heard it once on tv during the jing qu jiang, and fell in love with it already.

lunch with amy and mel at 'class outing'. shopped AGAIN lar. then went for dinner with cynli jess and ja! SOOOO FUN CAN! non-stop laughter with them seriously. haven't met them for so long that i sorta forgot how nice it is to be with them, cos they really can make you forget all your troubles. first time playing wii and it was SOO fun! though i really suck at it cos i dunno how the whole sensor thing works. the other three just peng-ed laughing at me.

quite a relaxing long weekend for me. now that i'm well-rested, i shall chiong my stuff for the next few weeks until exams. good luck to me.=)