looking back..

so many people are being so emo these days that it has somehow gotten to me too.

firstly zl when he started telling me about his ex after 2 years of not keeping in contact.

last night i was talking to 2 emo people at the same time. sort of made me quite sad too.

inferiority complex. when will it stop haunting me. and others too.

when you have something that you dun wanna let people know, would you tell at least one close friend about it?

when things have come to a point when you really can't tahan anymore, would you explode on everyone or suffer a breakdown on your own?

jt asked me today, arent you sad you lost a good friend? that made me think through a lot of stuff once again.

i wonder if i was right in telling him about it. but i guess what's done cant be undone.

i'm looking back...

when i sat in the lt today, i thought of how 6h used to just sit there and talk non-stop, and for those not talking, some are sleeping. the rest are stoning. only the same few will keep taking notes.

when everyone was talking to each other before the lecture today, i remembered how in so many instances, i kept standing at the sides being such a loner.

when i was talking to some of my og mates today, i remember the times i kept suaning and making fun of people. somehow that made me happy. somehow that's the way i hide myself to avoid awkward convos.

when jt msged me, i kept thinking about whether it was right of me to distant myself. i wondered if my actions hurt her, that's why she's treating me like that now.

when i was jogging on monday night, i thought of how i could have made my uni life so much better, and also how i struggled physically to cope with the many things in jc.

when bro told me about the 'good news', i thought about how 'lonely' i felt and will feel once again. (good thing his lasik went well today.=))

when i was on my way home from tuition, i thought back on how things were like in the past. when there was a constant companion to go home with everyday, when someone would be waiting no matter how late trainings ended, when i could msg about totally random stuff without feeling like i'm disturbing someone, when someone would remind about medications when i was sick, when someone would remind someone else to make me eat, when..... the memories came haunting me.

i guess i shouldn't keep looking back. after all i've already entered a new phase of my life. and this phase will last for 5 years. i shud be glad at least i have those memories, whether good or bad, to teach me impt life lessons and in a way enrich my own life.

sometimes i hate myself for simply not trying hard enough, for being such a coward. i look at people around me and wonder why is it i cant be like them. i just want something i can really hold on to and treasure it.