Tired

I hate living.

It's like, there's nothing on earth worth being miserable over. But there's nothing on earth worth being happy about too.

I've lost control over the things I used to hold on to so tightly. I can't even see the path I am heading towards.

People move on. And I hate the fact that I can't seem to digest that.

Everyone around me are so advanced in their life stage, I feel so damn freaking young and childish. I dunno what I hate myself for, or what I need to do to make myself happier, that's the worst part isn't it?

If I dunno what makes me happy, I'll never be able to make myself happier.

And if I know I'll never be happy, then there's honestly no meaning in life. I dunno what I'm working for, I dunno who I'm pleasing.

Maybe life's in my own hands. Then I'm just destroying myself. There's nothing much to destroy anyway, if in the first place, nothing was constructed.

when...

when there's no place for you even at your own house,

when you look back on your life and all you see are the unhappiness and frustration,

when there's no one you can wholly depend on,

when you can see no future,

maybe life is just not worth living.

Blogging on the go

Finally I can blog on the go, and with the convenience of attaching photos!

全家福！

叹

今天，以往那些莫名其妙的忧郁又回来了。也许，我还是受不了别人在我面前炫耀自己有多受欢迎， 也顺便衬托出我的狼狈。也许，我就是不甘寂寞。星期五晚上，当每个人都在狂欢，我却在家里对着电脑发牢骚。

活了23年，我连基本的存在感都没有。我是真的不知道我到底活在这世界上是为了什么。这世界就算少了我这个累赘，也没有什么不一样，反而可能会更好。我想我就算人间蒸发，也可能没有人会发现吧。

在和我的爱犬玩乐的时候，我竟然哭了。家，从我很小的时候，就不是一个我很向往的地方。回家，也只不过是每天的规则。我很清楚我在家里是一点地位也没有。 但自从买了一只狗，她每天就是等我回家，和我玩耍，也终于让我有了想回家的念头。而我，也从她眼里看到了开心和快乐原来可以那么的单纯。这些，也许是我永远也体会不了的。

从小到大，我所学到的，就是读书 = 钱， 钱 = 幸福。所以当我在A水准考到不懂什么狗屁成绩的时候，我在家里也渐渐抬不起头了。从那刻起，我的生命就像一堆烂泥，怎么踩，脚还是一样会脏， 怎样努力的往前跑，也始终跑不快。

说真的，我对生活还是有那么一点憧憬。只不过，我真的不知道我是为什么而活，或为谁而活。工作，就是为了赚钱。赚的钱，也不懂往哪儿花。

累了，我真的累了。也许，生活的多姿多彩，不是我活着的时候可以经历的。我就是注定孤独，注定盲目的追从别人对我的一点点期盼。生命，也不如一张黑白画。

work officially starts.

its been a while since i posted here. i guess with fb and twitter, maintaining a blog seems to be more of a hassle now. and maybe it's a good thing i'm not posting anything here! cos everytime i post, it's probably cos i'm emo-ing.

and so, US was great fun! i guess i wasn't such a good travel companion, but i never once regretted spending all my savings on that trip. it's not always that i could travel to such a faraway place given my family finances. absolutely love the shopping there! i dun think i have bought anything other than my work shoes after i came back from US cos everything seems so "bo hua" here! told myself that if i can afford it, i'd probably want to travel there once every few years!

it's probably unfair to summarise my 3-week US trip in a paragraph, but oh well.

came back to sg, slacked for a good few weeks, had my commencement, and then started work!

commencement was overated i guess. i still dun feel the same kind of attachment that i felt when i was in rj, and so never truly enjoyed myself or even felt a tinge of sadness that i'm leaving the uni.

and my bro and i bought a shetland sheepdog and i bombed my first few months of salary on her too. but she's such a dear. one can never describe the feeling of having a dog wagging her tail and getting hyperactive everytime she sees you, especially after i wake up or come back home from work. i'll definitely stop to play with her everytime. she's such a great addition to the family, cos i dun think i've ever been loved and treasured this much by anyone else in the world. it's like, her whole world revolves around waiting to see me, and just waiting for me to play with her. she actually reminds me that i do have my worth in this world.

and of cos, work has started. the first 3 weeks have just been training, and so i haven't felt the full blow of the workplace horrors yet. for now, i love the company, i love my fellow analysts, even though at times i dun think i can fit in that well, and i love how things seem so well paved out for us. i guess i still need to put in a lot of effort to manage my career, to make sure i get ahead and be sufficiently proactive. doesn't seem easy at all, but i do hope i will throw away all my irrational fears and start on a clean slate in my workplace.

i dun like the fact that i'm simply going thru the whole motion in my life just for the sake of it. maybe it's true everyone needs a purpose in life. i haven't found mine, and am probably not in a rush to find it. but i feel so superficial and shallow in front of everyone else in my company. i dun have a story to tell about myself, i dun have significant life experiences to take pride in, and i dun have the drive to push me forward. i dun think my family has been a great help in this as well, if anything, they seem to be more of a de-motivator for me. but maybe i should be thankful too. i'm a confused individual.

and i've always craved for people to understand me better than i do, it's sad when my colleagues describe me as "friendly", "cheerful", etc when i'm probably not even half of that. perhaps i'm just so two-faced about my portrayal to others that i'm closing myself up. it's probably not easy to be such an introvert in such a situation, but i guess, maybe it's still good to continue with the act and not revert to my reserved and introverted self, cos i know these characteristics won't get me anywhere.

i just hope i'll be happier.

off to the US!

came back from jakarta two days back and i'm flying to US soon. life is great for now!=)

got a scare cos i woke up this morning and felt so sick. had diarrhoea, body aches and a sore throat. when i went to see the doc, my fever was 38.2 degrees celsius. thank goodness i came back and slept and felt much better after having some medication. lets just hope my sickness doesnt come back to haunt me.

i really dunno if i've brought enough clothes, but oh well. it sounds easy enough to get clothes from there, so wth.

EXCITED OMG!!

TRULY MAD AND CRAZY

the last two weeks have been crazy. here's a record of what i did:

17-18th April: E50 case studies

19-20th April: edit CP part A

21-22nd April: chiong for intro to psych exam

23rd April: exam + edit CP part B

CHIONGING CP:

24th April

2pm to 1030pm (8.5hrs): marcus's house

11pm to 1am (3 hrs): continue chionging at home

25th April

5am to 12pm (7 hrs): chiong at home

1pm to 430am (15.5 hrs): marcus's house

26th April:

11am to 10am (23 hrs): marcus's house (FINALLY FINISH CP)

CHIONGING E50:

27th April

8pm to 11pm (3 hrs): joce's house

28th April

7am to 1230am (17.5 hrs): school

29th April

1am to 3am (2 hrs): continue chionging at home

5am to 7.30am (2.5 hrs): chiong at home

8am to 9.30am (1.5 hrs): chiong at xm's house

10am: PRESENTATION

nice huh... slept so little but i think adrenaline plus coffee kept me going for the entire week...

now, i need motivation to chiong my e50 reports...

network

went for something like a networking session at my future workplace ytd, and yes, i must say i didn't make the wrong choice. at least from whom i talked to and interacted with last night, everyone's really nice. of cos it's just ONE session, but at least they were very willing to share their experiences and totally understand the point of view of a graduating student.

we stood around networking for more than 3 hours, and seriously, my feet were SOOOO painful after the whole thing (i was so tempted to sit on the priority seat on the mrt omg). i managed to talk to my boss' boss, and she seems nice! of cos it was kinda awkward having to approach people to talk to when some of them are so much older than you, but still, we were forced to do it, and it wasn't half as weird as i've imagined it to be.

drinks were free flow, but i didn't drink much (or even finish my drink) cos i didn't eat much. didn't want to repeat my whole chijmes experience. but yep, great time! but err...now i need to make up for lost time.

CP IS A PAIN!!!

disgust

a thai girl fell onto the mrt track a few days back, got ran over by an oncoming train, and ended up losing both her legs.

yet, there are people saying she deserves it for standing so near the yellow line, that she caused the jam etc etc.

seriously, where's your sense of compassion?? where's the love??

seeing the world

i'm surprised i haven't talked much about my grad trip to US here. it's probably like the biggest thing that will happen to me after graduation and before i start working.

before i went to copenhagen for my summer program in june 2009, i was quite against the idea of travelling to the western part of the world because i thought i wouldn't like the places and also cos it'd have been unaffordable. but travelling to europe was such a good experience, didn't really actually mingle much with the locals there, but i got to see another side of the world, which was really an eye-opening experience for me. now, i really think it's important to explore more parts of the world and not be a 井底之蛙 here in singapore.

and so, we've booked our tickets to US and also settled the internal flights within the country for the 3 weeks we will be there. here's the itinerary:

19th may: fly to NY

24th may: fly to orlanda

1st june: fly to SF

10th june: fly back to singapore

just talking about it makes me so excited. i think having travelled in europe makes me feel that travelling in asia is so boring. no other place can make me so excited anymore i think.

and i'm going to fly to quite a number of places within the next few months. a "working" trip to guangzhou for 2 days next week, jakarta in early may, and then US. it's going to be hard on my finances, but oh well, there's always a chance to earn it all back when i start working! i shall give more tuition these few months. heh.

on another note, it's quite scary that i'm seeing so many problems from my body these few years. i think it's a warning that i haven't been taking good care of it and haven't been exercising.

it's going to be over really soon...

feels so surreal now that graduation is nearing.

16 years of education.

16 years of preparing for the workforce.

16 years of making sincere friends.

16 years of being judged by our results.

it's all going to be over in a matter of weeks.

to be honest, i'm not fully prepared yet.

but for the next couple of weeks, i'll still be rushing for deadlines, churning out reports after reports, and preparing for presentations to companies.

dun think it'll be the best end to school life, but i have no choice.

i wanna go around school to take photos, but i doubt i'll have friends who will be willing to do that with me. heh.

reflection

i dun usually blog so much in a day, but hmm i'm in a writing mode today so i guess i should do some reflections too.

i've always argued with some of my friends that being naturally pessimistic and slightly on the brink of depression are characteristics that i can't change about myself. i've never been convinced by anyone or any scenario that one can switch to being optimistic and generally happy just because one wants to. i can't seem to be able to control my thoughts, and even if i can stop myself from thinking of negative thoughts at some points in time, i can't help being generally unhappy and frustrated with life.

for me, life's challenges have always been mental. i'm seldom satisfied with whatever my life paths bring me to. in fact, this lack of satisfaction always makes me feel inferior about myself. its like, there is nothing much in my life that makes me feel proud of myself. there have been significant experiences that i take pride in, but nothing from the things that i treasure most in life.

i've never liked portraying myself as a strong woman who is work-oriented and independent. but to me, it is a mask that i put on because i dun ever want to be looked down upon. i've had my fair share of being ostracized just because i can't speak good english or because my family background is too humble for people's liking. and through my experiences when i was young, i slowly developed this fear of social experiences or public speaking. and i have to admit, i am a confused individual, cos on the one hand, i put on the mask of being strong and independent, but on the other hand, i always have this irrational fear of facing people and talking to them.

i am slowly learning, though my progress is too slow for my own liking. i still retreat into my own shell whenever i see that my confidence may be shattered by my own irrational fear. i immediately put on my protective gear when i am able to find an excuse to escape.

i do think i am improving. this blog is not half as emotional as my previous blog or even my entries a few years back. and i'm slowly trying to cope with the severe inferiority that hit me occasionally. i guess the lack of a love life is creating a lot of emotional roller coasters for me as well, but i'm slowly coping with it too. i guess if the time is not right, then so be it. it's not like my life's over because of that. in fact, i've been mentally preparing myself for being single and unwanted my whole life, and perhaps, that's how my life is meant to be. if it is, then i'm just making myself miserable by changing it, isn't it?

i guess time heals all wounds. the large gap you left when you decided to abandon our friendship is slowly closing up. i've never felt so hurt by someone's departure from my life, but that's just life. life brought me to a trough, and i'm hoping it will bring me up again. perhaps it is like sitting in a ferris wheel, when you're up there, you're too scared of heights to fully enjoy the scenery; but when you're rotated to the end of your ride, you blame yourself for not admiring the scenery when you were up there.

as i step into my next phase of life, which i will within the next few months, i know i will be judged by a separate yardstick altogether. it isn't a world i envy, but at least i know i have the capacity to fight for a better life myself. and to me, the best thing is that i can define the "better life" myself. i've been judged by my school results all my life because that's the "price" i have to pay for being dependent on my parents. now, i just want to be on my own, seeking my own life, making my own decisions without feeling accountable to anyone. it is perhaps tough, but definitely worth the try.

i guess i should stop complaining that my life is imperfect and stop envying the lives of other people. every single person should take our own unique path and reach our own destination, and in the process, admire and cherish the scenery that's right before your eyes. it's easier said than done, but i promise, i will try.