Who, Where, Why?

If you can tell me who lived here, where this house is and why it's SOOOO famous, I will give you a dollar!

37 Weeks!

We are Full Term and ready to launch!

35 Weeks!!

The booty is getting bigger along with the belly. J. says I'm balanced! I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not?

33 Weeks

Up to Speed

For my 1 1/2 readers, here are some updates to get you up to speed on my life.

• I'm Married! J. and I got married in May. My grandfather walked me down the aisle!




• I'm Pregnant! It's a GIRL!! Our daughter, Nora Ashton, is due on 11/9/11. If I can push my knees together for two days she'll arrive on 11/11/11. Wouldn't that be an awesome birthday!?




• Our mastiff Ben died :,o( He was 11 years old and we buried him in the backyard. Random facts: He and I shared the same birthday. He as adopted by our cat, Minnie Mouse. Ben's mom was also named Minnie Mouse, but we didn't know that at the time we named the cat. We think the cat was Ben's mom, reincarnated to be with him in his last days.




• The cat, Minnie Mouse, whom we also call Momma Cat, is on her second set of kittens. J. brought her home after being abandonded at one of his rental properties, and she was pregnant immediately after arriving. I meant to get her fixed after her first litter, but everthing crazy happened with J. and before we knew it, she was fat again. As of today, we have 8 cats at our house. That is ridiculous. Want a cute grey and white kitten? I have plenty to share.




• J. is past his bout with MRSA, a terrifying and eye-opening experience I tell you. If you think something is bug bite, but it doesn't itch, please don't ignore it. It could put you in the hospital or worse.




• Strange pregnancy cravings: mustard, fried chicken, sliced tomatoes with rice vinegar, cookies at 3am, Golden Delicious apples, carbs of any kind, fruit of any kind.




• Got rear-ended by a teenage boy playing with his iPod. We are fine, car is the shop as I type.




• That's about it for now.

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Spoon Fed vs. Hunting

I was recently asked by someone to prove to them that God exists. It upset me and caused me to ponder. Not because they didn't believe in God, but because they were lazy. Emotionally and spiritually lazy. My relationship with God has been formed over many years, many searches and prayers, with much effort on my part. It is based on subtle and not so subtle experience after experience. I cannot give someone my proof that God exists, as I cannot hand my experience to another person. I also have experience in handling frustrated stock brokers and tantrum throwing 2-years olds (similar in their own ways but that is a different story). I cannot give that experience away either, so why would someone think that I can offer them my proof that God exists? It is arrogance and laziness that prompts such a demand. 'Show me a sign that I may believe", but I won't go searching for those signs and experiences myself. Just laziness and pride, in my opinion.

I heard on the radio that a man with an opinion will never convince a man with an experience. You can have the opinion that a bright red stove top is not hot, but my experience tells me that it is and you will never convince me otherwise. If I have learned something to be true for myself, your opinion will not change what I already know. Especially if it is not something you have experienced yourself, whether by choice or chance.

Now if two people go through the same experience side-by-side and come out with different viewpoints and memories from that experience, I can understand differing of opinions. In that case, they have both seen, felt or walked the same path and, because of our nature, would learn different lessons and see things differently. That makes sense to me. When someone chooses not have the experience then demands that I convince them that I actually had my experience, it bothers me. They are too lazy to try themselves, and want me to spoon feed what I learned to them. They are too lazy or scared or whatever to hunt for meat themselves. Makes me feel sorry for someone who doesn't search for knowledge and truth, but may very well believe whatever is told to them. If I can put it in their hand and convince them it is true, they will believe whatever I tell them, instead of finding out for themselves.

If there is one things that I've learned in this life, is that my senses can and will deceive me. What things appear to be on the outside, in not always what they truly are on the inside. I have to learn and search and find out the truth for myself. I'm grateful for my hungry spirit that seeks and will not be quenched. It is what drives me closer to my God and closer to myself.

Apricot Trees

Sweet blossoms filled with skittering bees cover the apricot trees in my grandfather’s backyard orchard. Many times have we played Pirates, Cops & Robbers, Hide & Seek, Tag or whatever game a young mind can create on the spur of the moment. What a fantastic world can be created and enjoyed running amongst nectar heavy air and deep green grass.

Looking back on those carefree days, I wonder where that free spirit has gone. Is she somewhere inside of me? Does she come out to play as I frolic with my dogs in my new backyard? I hope to renew that sweet spirit, so full of hope and ambition. Far away from the weary realities of this heavy life.

There is spectacular beauty in each day, from the simple perfect leaf to cotton candy clouds of an afternoon thunderstorm. May we each envelope the wondrous world around and seek to find that inner child inside us all.

What Home Means to Me

Past the paint and trim, beyond the appliances and countertops lies a peace and comfort that can only come from one little word, Home. That small word concocts whirling images of weeknight family dinners, crazy holiday gatherings, messy bedrooms and the smell of cookies baking. It's a word I never really understood, but desperately wanted. Home was something far away for me, not ever my current living situation.

Having moved a running total of 24 times in my lifetime, I have experience with living situations. From tiny apartments to converted basements and friends couches, I've been there and done that. I've learned that 'house' does not equal 'Home'. House is temporary, with no real emotion or comfort connected to it. Since I've only lived in few actual stick-built houses, I never had the chance to connect to any of them. I have that chance now.

For you Harry Potter fans, remember in the first book or movie when Harry stood before the mirror that showed the deepest desire of his heart? He saw his family that he had never known. Ron Weasley saw himself as the most successful of his brothers. I've pondered on that mirror many times. I've wondered what it would show me. What is the deepest desire of my heart? Certainly not fame or wealth as I disdain both, so what could it be? Did I want a large family, like Harry? Did I want success, as Ron did? What would I see if I looked at the deepest desire of my heart?

It wasn't until I knelt in the empty living room of our little white country home, asking God to bless our home, that I finally realized what that deep desire had been. A Home. A real home full of comfort, love and matching furniture. A place I could be proud to invite my friends over to and show off. A place I could put my feet up and relax. A place I looked forward to dusting and wiping, sweeping and mopping and enjoying the shine of clean. A place we could raise a family and grow together. A place I never had to leave, never had to pack up and drive away from. A place where I feel safe and secure and, finally, feel like I'm home.

As a child I would always draw pictures of my image of Home. A crayon drawing of a two story house with a steep pitched roof and three windows, 1 up & 2 down. A large tree with a swing and a hose extending into a kids pool in the yard. I live in that drawing now, I just need some kids in the pool! I understand why I always drew the same picture, it was the deepest desire of my heart, I just didn't know it yet. To have a real home and share it with my family. Loud and messy, or calm and quite, it doesn't matter as long as it's home.

Years ago, my mother had a keychain that read "Home is where you hang your keys." I now have a place for my keys. And yes, Mom, I kept that keychain. It has a special place in my heart, and in my home.

This Time Last Year...

This time last year I decided to give someone a try. My first impression of his uncapitalized name on that personality profile website left much to be desired. When I started looking forward to receiving emails from him, I knew there was more than just an odd name and a Harley. The first time we talked on the phone, we rambled on for 4 hours.

We talked every night for about two weeks, hours and hours on end. Our discussions ranged from likes and dislikes, spiritual and religious beliefs, aspirations and dreams, family and marriage desires, musts and wont's, goals and fears, funny stories and off-color jokes, all the way back to where we came from and how we got to where we are today. Our connection grew through those late night talks and I could feel our spirits reaching out to each other.

J. will be happy to tell you about our first date and how he was the back-up plan, which is not my version. His version of this story is so much more colorful than mine. He did introduce me to a dead terrorist and won my heart through laughter. We spent every day together that first weekend and I was made official by meeting his friends and going to the first race of the season. Two broken ribs, torn cartilage and a date with a cop later and I decided J. just might be the one.

Parked in front of a Jack in the Box with their deliciously artery clogging tacos of death, I asked J. if he would like to be my boyfriend. Yes, I really did! I can still hear his voice on the phone, laughing, "Be your boyfriend?! Yeah, I guess I could do that."

That was one year ago today. It's been a wild ride full of new love, adventures galore, mud and 'nanner pudding, last seat on roller coasters and more sushi than I know what to do with. We're about to buy a gorgeous house and make it a home. I can't wait to start this new chapter of our life together. I've never been happier and felt more like myself.

Thank you, Baby, for teaching me that it's OK to be me and it's OK to want what I want. For loving me despite myself and for being such an amazing example to me. I love you more than I know how to express and believe that every step of my life has led me to you. You truly are My Heart. Happy Anniversary! I love you!

Help Us Remember

Heavenly Father,
Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Matt 5:44

Happy Halloween

It's a White Trash day!

When...

When the world seems to be closing in and my cube walls suffocate all sense of freedom and energy, I close my eyes and picture a smooth green hillside to my left, a small creek running along the line of trees on my right. Sounds of cool running water, tickling over stones as it smooths the edges off my mind. Velvet breezes rustle leaves and creak high reaching branches above. Soft sunshine bathes my skin and warms my soul.

I do not know if this place is an actual recollection of some physical location, or a realm my imagination created to allow my escape from reality. Either way, I love coming here.

Phantom of the Opera

Saturday night J. and I had an amazing evening. Dinner Uptown at the romantic Monticello restaurant, then he took me to see Phantom of the Opera. I have been dying to see this show for many years. I had even once planned a trip to NYC to see it on Broadway. Now, I'm glad I didn't go. It was such a special night to spend with J. We had great conversation and enjoyed all the people watching. The show was astounding! What a wonderful experience it was to get all dressed up, spend the evening Uptown and see the longest running Broadway play.

J. especially liked the mechanics of the set and stage. How quickly they were able to change from one scene to another, smooth and unnoticable. The music was hypnotic and drew you in. There were laughs and thrills, excitement and sorrow. The story of the phantom still haunts me. How many of us wear a mask to hide our true selves? With J. I am finally removing my mask and revealing who I really am.

It's Been a Minute...

...or 7 since I've updated here. There are times when I wonder if I have anything to say. Other times I type nothing because I know someone will actually read it.

I went on my first Harley ride this weekend. We took two-lane roads to Lake Lure and Chimney Rock. Lake Lure is where Dirty Dancing was filmed. It was a beautiful day Saturday and I loved to feel the wind on my skin and the sun beat down on me. I could smell the fresh cut grass and especially the cow pastures we rode past. The last part did make me homesick for the ranch, as did stratling the iron horse for 200 miles.

I better get used to that again, since I'll be at the ranch for 2 weeks this summer. It's really less than a month away! Oh my gosh, I just got very excited!! Disneyland on my birthday, then horses and cows for two straight weeks. A little bit of heaven.

That's enough for now.

Material Girl in a Material World?

There are times when I am honestly astounded at the concerns and desires of others. I do not consider myself a materialistic person. Now, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy nice things and understand their worth. What irks me is when a person is continually driven by the bigger, better, best paradigm. I have been told by others that carrying a large amount of debt is not a concern as long as they have everything they want.

Perhaps I fall more into the 'saver' category, which may be why I have trouble accepting this type of mindset (though I do spend lavishly on my shoes). It also stems from my upbringing. I was taught to be very thrifty and not wasteful. Use it until it is unusable, then find another use for it. If an item is broken, marred or missing some cosmetic aspect it is certainly not unusable and does not need to be replaced with the newer, more expensive model. Just use the dang thing as it is and be happy you have one at all.

When I was younger and less knowledgeable of the effects of outlandish credit items, I did fall into the instant gratification trap. Years later, I am working hard to pay off those debts and have very little to show for that time of carefree spending.

That's another thing. I am doing my best not to be a pack rat. I strive to pare down my clutter as much as possible and donate all that I no longer have a use for. Also a nice help now that I have so few tax write-offs. Example: I have a fixed number of coat hangers. I will not buy new coat hangers. In order for me to buy a new item of clothing, I must donate or give away an existing item. Take something down in order to put something else back up. I seem to always have a bag of clothes and general household items being gathered for donation to the local Goodwill Store. This works for me.

I hope to be able to teach my future children these same ideals. I understand that some may not find my ideas to be ideal at all, yet I do. I believe that if something is earned it is more valuable. I believe that if you truly want something, you will work hard to attain it. I believe things that are easily gained are just as easily dismissed. I believe that rocks can sometimes be the best souvenir.

The Cry of the Meadowlark or Nightingale

Heavenletter # 2812 Published on: August 6, 2008

Whatever another does, no matter how it may seem to impact you, it is their privilege to do as they see to do. You may feel that someone has let you down. Beloveds, when you feel that way, you have let yourself down. Did you take on what someone else chooses to do as though it were your own responsibility? Did you make a portion of your life dependent upon what someone else chooses when all of your life is dependent upon you? Better to not make or allow anyone else to be the sayer of how you react in your life or any portion of it.

People like to accommodate you, yet they are not going to make their choices dependent upon what you want and feel is right, even when they may have said they would follow through. Brides and grooms have been left at the altar. You have been left waiting on the street corner by someone who did not show up, even when you were the one ready to do a favor. People are going to follow their own stars and also even their own whims.

Here is an opportunity for you to gain this famous equanimity you have so wanted, beloveds — to be at that place where you are not so bolstered or so desolate by what others choose to do or not to do at any given moment. Wholeheartedly accept the upliftment others may give you but never be deflated by what they do not give or change their minds about. Otherwise, you are a bouncing ball in someone else's hand. Beloveds, it is for you to make your own way in the world independent of what others choose to do. It is their right. Be your own star that shines and leads you to your destination.

When you ride a train, and the train should happen to break down, that is not the end of your travels. It is not a tragedy. So when a friend does not show up at an appointed time, it may be an inconvenience for you, yet it is not a tragedy. It is not really even an offense, even though you are sure it is.

Be glad to be with someone, and do not mind so when the person is no longer there. He heard his own distant cry of the meadowlark or nightingale, and he went his own way irrespective of you. He may respect you very much and yet not feel beholden to you or what he may have previously said or promised. He may have meant it. Once it was true for him, but now it is not. He cannot go back to the past, nor are you to make him. All contracts are dissolved. There are those who may resolve former contracts with what you call honor and some who will resolve without. Some do not even remember what the agreement was. In any case, the only agreement that matters is the one on your plate right now.

Do you see what I am asking you to do? I am asking you to not be dismayed by others' choices. Right or wrong, they are right to make their own choices however you may feel about them. You are not to lead your life according to others' views and desires, nor are they to live their lives according to your views and desires. Even when you are right by everything you know, it is still their right to choose. Do you see how, when you free others from bounds, you free yourself? Beloveds, no matter how seemingly innocent, bounds are a form of tyranny. You are not meant to be a tyrant. You are meant to be a pharaoh who lets his people go.

http://www.heavenletters.org/the-cry-of-the-meadowlark-or-nightingale.html

All Enemies, Foreign and Domestic – Part One

Or…the day I became a terrorist.

Fireworks. The mere word creates images in your mind of towering spires of multi-colored sparks, high pitched shrieks of spinning pinwheels and the acrid scent of gunpowder and burnt paper. Though J-Dam’s and Smart bombs could be viewed by some as grown up fireworks, one does not normally associate an innocent firework with their deadly counterpart.

In many states fireworks are illegal, California is one of those many. However, they are not illegal in Wyoming or Idaho, where I happened to be traveling at the time. The most direct and beautiful route from Ashton, Idaho to Cody, Wyoming is through the Park. What Park, you ask? THE Park, Yellowstone National Park. The crown jewel of all our National Parks, the original, the Grandfather, the reason we have national parks. If you have never been, I highly recommend you stop what you are doing, catch a plane or a train or a magic carpet and get your booty to Yellowstone. You will not regret it. But I digress…

One of the first landmarks of civilization that assault your senses upon exiting the Park at its eastern gate, Black Cat Fireworks Superstore! Picture a large grocery store, with shopping carts and all, each aisle piled high with explosives of all kind. After visiting with my cousin and her family, I stopped at this mecca of volatile bliss. Perusing up and down each aisle, overwhelmed at the firepower, I selected some small tokens of contraband to enjoy back home in my firework adverse state.

Back in my hotel I surveyed my new acquisitions, opening packages, reading directions, imaging the fun I will have on the Fourth of July. Not once was I ever concerned about trace elements, residue, fingerprints, cross-contamination, or other such CSI affairs. Why would I be? I’m not a criminal. At least not yet…

Little Lost Calf

Back in November 2006, I attended LPL's National Conference in San Diego. Tons of mutual fund and VA wholesalers were marketing their wares and passing out all kinds of free stuff! I have a variety of these grab-n-go's in my cuffice. By far, my most favorite five-finger toy is a noisemaker thingy that sounds like cow. It's a little cylander that you flip over and back, then it makes a moo-ing sound. Make sense? Oh good.

When I first got this little noise-maker, I didn't pay much attention to it. Then I went on a cattle drive, and my entire perspective changed. Upon returning from my cattle drive, I flipped my little mooing toy and realized it doesn't sound like a cow at all. It sounds like a calf, a sad lost little calf. Like the grey one that got separated from his mama. The one Turnip picked up and then changed his mind, and the calf ran back the opposite way. I cut the mama out from the rest of the herd and drove her back around the arena to reunite with her wayward calf. Eventually they found each other and all was well.

Sporadically I find that it is much too silent here among my fellow cube dwellers and I ignite my cowgirl flames with a flip of my wrist and the mournful mooing of a little lost calf. Memories of better days swirl through my mind and stoke a longing I didn't even know I had. I can't wait to get back to the ranch, saddle up my horse and ride the range, until the end of my days.

Cowgirl Up!

Another Day, Another $0.62

To all my faithful readers out there, I have not taken the last ship out of Saigon. I'm still around, and around, and around.

My recent life in a nutshell:

I like my new apartment

Journey's new lead singer is pretty dang awesome!! They still Rock!

I screamed myself hoarse on King's Dominion's stupendous roller coasters.

Never take directions from a cheap hotel's desk clerk at 1:30 in the morning. You'll end up in Baltimore. Not so fun.

Suspended registration is an arrestable offense in the District of Columbia. I found this out the hard way, but talked and girled my way out of it. A Thank You card is on it's way to a cute motorcycle cop with a good sense of humor.

The Lincoln Memorial is awe inspiring. Almost as powerful as the Vietnam Memorial. I am so grateful to be free.

Watermelon Spike is pretty good.

I got a new Flat panel LCD TV with a built in DVD player, a stereo tuner and 5.1 surround speakers, all for $80 bucks. Sweet!

I'm making my own curtains.

New ceiling fan in my bedroom!

I've learned that I'm a pretty impressive shot, even for a girl.

There is more artwork than walls. What to do, oh what to do?

I wonder if the kitties miss the backyard?

I have to go grocery shopping. My fridge looks like a poor bachelor's.

Tonite is pedicure night.

I have a very surprised look on my face in my new NC drivers license picture. It's a long story.

Back to work tomorrow. Yay?